JUSTYNA7's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=JUSTYNA7 JUSTYNA7's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Great start http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6189275 I've been sharing with some of my spark friends that I am good with exercise but worried about food. The scale says I am exactly where I was when I left.. which is just fine with me. I am doing a 3 mile walk each morning and there is lots to do in the house and garden so I have no concerns about getting my 10,000 steps in... still I put on my spark tracker this morning just to make me feel good about myself. <BR> <BR> Food. What do I want to be eating? Not eating? I need some real tho... Sat, 25 Jun 2016 09:13:15 EST I'm back and ready to go! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6188913 I am back. Back from a wonderful trip that was more like 4 holidays. I have so much to process in my mind about it... but of course it is nearly impossible because my main bathroom has been gutted while I was away and I have a wedding party arriving tomorrow to stay at the B&B. What I did do, because I MATTER, was get up early and go for a walk. I do appreciate living in a lovely town and having a neighbour to walk with. My garden survived in part despite terrible drought and really the ... Fri, 24 Jun 2016 15:00:36 EST Day 66 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6161467 It's a waltze... a box step. A few steps in the wrong direction then a few steps in the right direction. <em>350</em> <BR> <BR> Boy, at times I feel actually graceful because I can relax and know I am doing the right thing. Yesterday was LOVELY. I mowed lawn, pulled weeds and gathered leaves. All slowly and with intention. I walked the dog along the river. I sipped water. I nibbled on chicken and crunched vegetables. Oh... I was sore by the end of the day but in a good healthy w... Thu, 12 May 2016 11:27:23 EST Day 67 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6160222 Hi, my name is Justyna and I am a compulsive eater, addicted to food. <em>39</em> <BR> <BR> Yesterday was a terrible food day, constant grazing on unhealthy foods and on the go from the time I got up until I finally crawled into my easy chair and watched several shows in a row only getting up to fix myself another unhealthy snack. My DD middlest, observing this, tried her best "Mom, do you need some emotional support?" as she watched me combining pudding and cool whip and topping it wi... Tue, 10 May 2016 15:23:04 EST Day 68 Hurray DH has found a problem with my computer! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6158235 I was telling DH this morning how frustrated I am with "losing blogs" and how my computer seems to crash all the time so he spent some time this morning on it and it seems to be working so much better. Hurray! I lost another blog but will continue to count down from the last one posted. It is going to take a while to do 100 blogs! <BR> <BR> The lost blog though was good so let me see if I can remember the drift of it... <BR> <BR> We are perfect just as we are. I know, I know, a familiar... Sat, 7 May 2016 12:37:53 EST Day 69 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6154873 Yup, I am sure I posted this blog and yet... where is it? Hmm. <BR> <BR> I have been putting steps in - hurray! Lots of walks with the dog and my youngest DD. I was reflecting how lucky we are to have things we enjoy doing together. I am sure going to miss them when they move out even though I plan to drop in to check on the dog every afternoon the first week. <BR> <BR> Plans are all coming together for DH's and my trip to Ireland. I think we only have a couple of nights not "booked... Mon, 2 May 2016 14:49:22 EST Day 70 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6152983 You guys are the best... I wish I had the time to visit all your pages and I WILL when things settle down. <BR> <BR> I would not say today has been FUN. I have though spent time outside. I realized there is a hazardous waste drop off Sunday so I started bringing old paint tins and stuff from the back. It has become a little dump beside the shed. Many trips with the wheelbarrow humming and noting the buds and weeds coming up. Then I raked. So many branches down. It amazes me how over t... Fri, 29 Apr 2016 16:43:32 EST Day 71 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6152290 The countdown of blogging continues through difficult times. I am... grateful. On so many levels. I have learned so much about myself and built up a strong.. faith? I had a faith before but this is different. It is a spiritual core that is more grounded and less attached to things at the same time. <BR> <BR> I have continued to cook for ill family members, give advice, listen, cry and share and support. It has been an exhausting time and yet... a lot of connecting going on. A lot of ... Thu, 28 Apr 2016 17:29:53 EST Day 72 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6147946 I read a thread today by a spark friend who sabatoged herself and was asking WHY? <BR> <BR> <BR> It's a good question. When I think of my food dragon escaping and out of control I just think, wow, that is how it used to be ALL the time. The dragon ruled me and my life. My mind chose to stick to the path it knew which was trampled there by the dragon.. but it was clear and easy to follow even though it was the way to the dragon's mouth. <BR> <BR> When I look at my "I Matter" list, th... Fri, 22 Apr 2016 12:05:37 EST Day 73 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6145035 <em>40</em> There is definitely something going on with my blog posts. They are not making it onto my page. So... this is a repeat more or less of yesterday. <BR> <BR> I am very grateful. Good guests over the weekend who really used the facilities and had a super time. My sister is progressing. She has some swelling under her arm but is going to the doctor about it tomorrow. I was to take her son to swimming my our dad has miraculously stepped in and offered to do it. Sometimes bad ... Mon, 18 Apr 2016 14:57:05 EST Day 74 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6142356 Lalalala! I feel pretty good today. <BR> <BR> I sometimes am awed at how a small thing we do can make a big difference. I take no credit except to be open and willing. It has been a big theme of our meditations, of getting outside ourselves, being loving. That when we are doing the right thing, things fall into place. <BR> <BR> Our neighbour's little guy is in hospital and I made food. He is a single father whose wife died 2 years ago of diabetes complications. Having diabetes mys... Thu, 14 Apr 2016 17:23:34 EST Day 75 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6140847 I keep looking and thinking... I posted a blog since then, where did it go? <BR> <BR> Hello friends. I am just back from the Spa Nordik. I crashed yesterday when I finished cooking and dropping off the last of foods to my 2 sisters and their families who are in crisis right now. Yup, came home and could not stop wailing. I went and lay in the hot tub, ate dinner and went straight to bed. Longest I have slept and I could not sleep with DH... just too emotional to bear it. Could not talk... Tue, 12 Apr 2016 16:13:24 EST Day 76 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6139292 Ugh. My clothes feel tight and I feel very very unfit. <BR> <BR> I have been planning meals, shopping, cooking, delivering meals and eating it feels like for weeks. I know it has only been about 10 days. My sister is doing well. Out of bed and managed a walk. Mostly just waiting to hear about the type of cancer she has and the treatment plan which we should know by the end of the week. My sister in law has had worse news. Her brain tumor is inoperable. They will do a biopsy to dete... Sun, 10 Apr 2016 17:50:52 EST Day 77 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6137690 It is my birthday. It is also a very hard day. I shared in a thread and don't want to repeat it all. However people I love are in crisis and I am asking for prayers and love sent to my sisters Mari and Nancy and their families. Cancer is enough to say. Miracles welcome. <BR> <BR> I matter. And I have a role to play of strength and support. I can get through today and make a difference. To be the best I can be I need to eat regularly, eat clean, rest when I can, get exercise when I... Fri, 8 Apr 2016 08:26:53 EST Day 78 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6136591 I have to start with Gratitude today: My sister is home from her surgery. I'll see her tomorrow (walk the dog and check on her) and find out how it actually went. My sister -in-law is on her way home from hospital. They did a second MRI today to map out the surgery for her brain tumor next week and she is allowed to come home until that happens. Her kids are coming home and everyone can breath for a bit. My little neighbour who is in hospital has been weaned our of his coma and they a... Wed, 6 Apr 2016 19:35:33 EST Day 79 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6134598 Wow! Powerful meditation this morning. We start at 6:00 am and it was at my neighbour's house this morning. I woke up at 6:15 having the weirdest dream of having to wait in lineups to pee at some kind of a "fair" but in a closed Muslim country. Very very weird. And I rarely remember having dreams. I got NINE hours sleep last night and when I did bolt out of bed I was sore, exhausted and feeling very upset with myself for being late. Worried that she would be upset (I have slept through... Mon, 4 Apr 2016 09:36:23 EST Day 80 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6132686 A sugar slip... I changed the recipe for cookies and tasted the dough, made a change, retasted and was putting them in the oven as I thought "now what should I eat that is sugar free?" and realized my blunder. So simple a slip. I had after all never intended to eat the finished product. I wonder how many times I just "taste" something as I am cooking? Oh well, it is what it is and I had kiwi and some old cheddar for my snack and will get on with my day. The irony is I have a full weekend... Fri, 1 Apr 2016 15:46:45 EST Day 81 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6131916 This is my 4th sugar free day - woo hoo! Strange but I am SURE I blogged about my 3rd sugar free day yesterday but perhaps it was a post on a thread somewhere. Or maybe once again I failed to hit the "post" button. Do other people have "lost" blogs? <BR> <BR> I have been happy to have my spark tracker again. Lots of walking - today in the rain. My neck bothers me on and off and I find as soon as I take pain medications I need a nap. Is it the medications or the pain? Not sure but it s... Thu, 31 Mar 2016 17:51:21 EST Day 82 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6129970 I wrote a blog yesterday... where is it? Hmm. Maybe I did not hit the post button. My days seem like that all the time right now. Interrupted and unfinished. I am going from one activity to the next. No crisis... just a lot to do and all the while mindful of my neck and trying to let it heal. <BR> <BR> We have had fantastic guests. I wrote about that... so I will not write again just because I have things to say today. <BR> <BR> I am ready for change. On so many levels. My meditati... Tue, 29 Mar 2016 09:00:45 EST Day 84 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6126511 How did I have so many days without a blog? Certainly I've been busy with the B&B. I've been offering aquafit in the mornings before breakfast so I'm up early so everything is ready for the last minute sautes and toastings while people are changing from their suits. I'm really fortunate because I have a "new" diabetic staying here and of course what happens when you are educating someone? "Oh, that's right... I should be doing that too!". So ten minutes of exercise before meals, more pro... Thu, 24 Mar 2016 08:40:28 EST Day 85 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6123412 You are all so wonderful. I came on and read yesterday's comments and I felt your hugs and caring. THANK YOU! I hope I am there for you too when you need it. Don't forget to drag me to your blogs to read them. Right now I'm not very good at checking all my spark friends' pages. Too busy to browse.. but never too busy to chat with you. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was wonderful. The girls brought 2 friends with us so we had 2 cars and we went to a sugar bush. I was disappointed as the only one... Sun, 20 Mar 2016 09:11:17 EST Day 86 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6122282 Maple syrup may prove to be relevant in Type 2 diabetes management, although the findings must be verified in clinical trials. “We discovered that the polyphenols in maple syrup inhibit enzymes that are involved in the conversion of carbohydrate to sugar,” said Seeram. “In fact, in preliminary studies maple syrup had a greater enzyme-inhibiting effect compared to several other healthy plant foods such as berries, when tested on a dry-weight basis.” <BR> <BR> Timely information although it is... Fri, 18 Mar 2016 14:00:02 EST Day 87 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6119836 I just ate fruit and pecans... with chocolate sauce.... on my cottage cheese. Hmm. <BR> <BR> Have I mentioned my problem with my food relationship? I had made crepes with chocolate sauce and fruit and fresh whip cream (as well as crepes with ham and cheese and red pepper Indian curry jelly) for my guests this morning. They did not eat any chocolate sauce!!? Was it bad? Something wrong with it? So I tasted it. Nope... devine. Creamy and dark and seductive. Still warm. And before I ... Tue, 15 Mar 2016 12:23:53 EST Day 88 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6117257 Such boring blog titles yet for me it says so much. The passage of time in Spark People is monumental. One day you are thinking you can never get through a single HOUR and the next you are realizing that years have passed with a particular behaviour now a habit. Yet I was dismayed to find my top yesterday fitting tightly and more of a muffin top than I have had for a while with my pants. Something is not "right" and I know it is my food that is the culprit. <BR> <BR> I am doing 24 hour... Sat, 12 Mar 2016 06:45:22 EST Day 89 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6116968 OK, if you can count you will see that I have NOT blogged every day. Ah, between going to emergency for my neck (the doctor decided I would not die immediately so I should see my family doctor... earliest apt. on Monday... to order an MRI...and now I have a soft neck collar and drugs and am trying to continue with my goals. Of course I am on nerve pain meds and my memory is not what it should be... goals? Ah... <BR> <BR> On the positive side I have had a wonderful guest who really filled ... Fri, 11 Mar 2016 17:47:26 EST Day 90 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6114423 Woo hoo, 10 days done! <BR> <BR> Puppy and I went for an hour walk. SP does not account for variables like slush and puddles but it was sunny and a lovely 8 degrees so I did not even wear a winter coat. No sign still of my spark tracker. I think I must have left it at my friend's house when I stayed overnight. <BR> <BR> I have eaten some frogs today... (if you eat the largest frog in the pond each morning nothing worse will happen to you). Today it was getting an open mortgage and t... Tue, 8 Mar 2016 15:02:07 EST Day 91 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6113182 Another skipped day of blogging. I thought about that for a minute and decided that I will continue to just count down in my number of blogs. It is a progression. <BR> <BR> The theme this morning for meditation was aligning myself NOT with the world but with this moment and trying to stay connected with my spiritual side. It was sooo on target because my friend and I had been talking about ADD and not being able to stay on track, of making countless lists of "shoulds and musts" and then ... Mon, 7 Mar 2016 07:25:32 EST Day 92 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6111980 Argh! The dryer broke and do you think ANYWHERE has gas dryers in stock? Nope! Plus all the ones on sale are no longer available. DH and I just spend a couple of hours going from store to store and ended up doing an order by phone... they just called and said the "no interest for 12 months" by putting it on the store card... has a glitch because DH has not used his card in a year so they need us to call credit services... and if it is all not completed in the next half hour it won't be de... Sat, 5 Mar 2016 15:37:21 EST Day 93 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6111285 I missed a day blogging... but that is the wonderful thing about doing this countdown... that is OK! So yesterday was busy. I was taxi driver for my kids and put walking in the pool as a priority and then walked the dog too and then against orders did some shoveling and ended up having to rest my sore back. Thankfully it is better today. It was so cold out but today has turned lovely so I have had the door open despite the deck being snow covered still and the cat and dog have been laying... Fri, 4 Mar 2016 16:15:17 EST Day 94 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6109258 Woo hoo, my first week done! I am loving having some structure in my day. My friend and I were talking about ADHD as she suspects she has a number of the symptoms. It could be menopause. The cotton candy brain where you lose thoughts and panic and feel like you are losing it. ADHD are simply symptoms of something else. Honestly, I think many people who have addictions have ADHD which is what our "dragons" LOVE. It means we can't stick to goals, take on too many things, forget what we a... Wed, 2 Mar 2016 08:30:17 EST Day 95 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6108617 Wow, a break is just what I needed! I had such a good time yesterday. I got done all I had to before I left and the drive was easy. The harp workshop was wonderful and we all learned a Scottish tune to play by ear. I was amazed how the pressure came off when I did not have to sight read or manage my heavy music stand... just listen and play. I can do that! The band (The Outside Track) were great with celtic tunes, fiddle, guitar, accordian, flutes and of course harp. Young and enthusia... Tue, 1 Mar 2016 14:01:54 EST Day 96 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6107538 Tick tick tick... another day passing. <BR> <BR> Grateful: That I got to sleep in and snuggle with DH this morning instead of jumping out of bed to start work... and I had a restful day yesterday. That everyone figured out their own drives so I can have a car to go to my workshop. That the sun is shining with blue skies. <BR> <BR> I was given a book about addiction. It is a fiction but a lot I could relate to with my addiction to food. A few lines jumped out at me like "needing her p... Mon, 29 Feb 2016 11:24:18 EST Day 97 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6106626 Another day down... funny how they just do that when you are counting down, lol. <BR> <BR> Grateful: It is not blue skies and sunshine this morning but it is not snow. I have a glimmer of clarity in my mind that is balancing a desire to compulsively clean and declutter. I wonder if that is part of the hope that spring is coming. March is just around the corner but in our neck of the woods winter is still in full force and we could have a lot more snow ahead. Yesterday after art we were ... Sun, 28 Feb 2016 09:10:01 EST Day 98 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6105973 98 seems like a long long way to go... but I have done this before and am always amazed how time passes. <BR> <BR> Grateful - DD youngest asked me to go for a walk with her this morning when I first got up and she broke the path which made it easier for me... though a couple of times I lost my balance in the deep snow and that's always scary with my knee replacements. I can DO it! Yesterday was a great day. Lunch with Mom and sisters was mostly full of good news and the bad news was sobe... Sat, 27 Feb 2016 09:49:11 EST Day 99 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6105345 Grateful - that sometimes... I am listened to. Long story but I feel validated. Guests checked out a little early so I have time to blog. I was able to make breakfast for DD youngests' boyfriend as it is his birthday today and that felt good to spoil him before he left for work. My goodness they are all getting old! We are just waiting for the inspection to happen on a house offer by DD and her boyfriend so.... not too excited yet. 3 previous offers have failed the inspections. This on... Fri, 26 Feb 2016 11:23:31 EST Countdown - day 100 2016 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6104422 Good Morning! It is the first day of my 100 day countdown and I am ready to go! <BR> <BR> Grateful - nice guests, the ice storm was not as bad as predicted (for us), good night sleep. I am trusting that the right people are being put in my path today. A spark friend suggested I try making "cloud bread" which I did and DH just came in and asked if he can have a piece with his ham and cheese. That's good! I'm glad he likes it. It has dairy in it and he avoids dairy but it is gluten free ... Thu, 25 Feb 2016 08:32:52 EST Accountability blogs http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6103858 Long ago... and not so far away... <BR> <BR> I used to blog every morning and plan my day's food and exercise. It was a great way to be accountable. When I started doing the writing diet I tended to write my day's plan and goals in my journal as part of the day's morning pages. A funny thing happened when I stopped doing those pages... I stopped being accountable and as a result I lost sight of my goals. This morning I was reading a blog by a spark member asking for help being accountab... Wed, 24 Feb 2016 14:35:31 EST A shift http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6092754 Some days I feel like I am battling my demons. Healthy foods look boring and Unhealthy foods look comforting. Overeating just is easy because it tastes soooo good. I was reading this morning that that those "cross messages" might be neurological. Actually embedded in my body's makeup.... but the good news is it can change. <BR> <BR> I've read this book before but sometimes a second look can reveal what we need the second time around... or are ready for. 21 spiritual lessons for surrend... Wed, 10 Feb 2016 13:42:25 EST The Deep Fear of Needing to Diet http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6084571 Wow, I just read a blog that was very powerful to me. There was a line about having a "deep fear that I will need to diet again, that this healthy life thing is just a phase i am going through". <BR> <BR> Healthy eating is for sure becoming more routine and emotional eating is becoming something I see for what it is. I am not rid of it yet but am more able to recognize it and either distract myself before it happens, stop it when I have succumbed, or pick myself up and go to my "I Matte... Mon, 1 Feb 2016 07:35:47 EST Agent Ruby Luscious Reporting http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6077477 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/a2a32cb3-b759-40bf-b312-dd016b6d97bc.jpg"> <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/f5c5550a-ea69-4cd7-ac20-d8cb6a190edb.jpg"> <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/050776d5-73e3-424c-9317-3221322f1316.jpg"> <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/38ccd99b-ab88-42a9-a8b1-86de7229128d.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Bond night was fun. I got to flash my gun and DH got to show off his cufflinks he made from bullets. These pictures are... Sat, 23 Jan 2016 23:47:58 EST Bond Night is Here! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6077057 Well ladies, this is it! Tonight is my James Bond Casino Night! I just got my hair done and I not only found matching red nail polish but a friend dropped in last night with paint on glossy red lip polish that is a perfect match too. I have some great jewelry.... I am so psyched! Hubby is putting studs on his tuxedo as we speak. Hahahahha! Life is not perfect but I feel perfect today. I even got some healthy snacks to bring because they are serving cupcakes and alcoholic sweet drinks so I'm g... Sat, 23 Jan 2016 13:20:00 EST Success? Repeat! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6074378 Yesterday was a good day. I had a spark friend, Seawave over to chat, swim and lunch. I love her goal of walking the Camino trail, even though right now she is using a walker for any distance. Never say never and take it one step at a time. I know because I was in her "shoes" once. I can be her cheerleader! And it means starting slowly, like walking in the pool, so we did. <BR> <BR> It is amazing what we can do for others what we cannot do for ourselves. I have such a hard time slowin... Wed, 20 Jan 2016 09:32:21 EST Operation "Bond Girl" http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6062937 As you know from my last blog, my short term goal is to be a Bond Girl. The James Bond themed Casino Party "date" is January 23 so the countdown is on. <BR> <BR> Mission One: The dress <BR> Yesterday I got my dress finished. I had to adjust it to fit as it fits my middlest DAUGHTER! I had not realized I am closer to her size. For years I have felt like an elephant in a room of people but I guess I am a people now too! <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/d60726fa-bd77-4cc1-... Thu, 7 Jan 2016 09:24:54 EST Bond, James Bond http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6056783 Sometimes I think how nice it would be to pop by and share a cup of tea together, my spark friends... or meet somewhere to talk over how things are going. Ah well... I have not spent as much time on line this month but I've been having those cups of tea with local friends and family and doing some really good things for myself. If you are having a cup of tea soon, think of me being there with you! <BR> <BR> My weight is up but I've been walking and today will start a week of Paleo meals j... Fri, 1 Jan 2016 10:45:22 EST My engine is red! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6053091 Chugga chugga chugga chugga... not the chugging of anything alcoholic but the little engine that could! I think I CAN and I WILL. <BR> <BR> It took a lot of self talk today to get myself in the pool. The water was cold and I just wanted to go find some cozy pajamas and a hot beverage and read a book. It's the holidays, right? But if I don't make the effort I won't live to my potential. I love that slogan "you can only coast downhill". So tonight I can enjoy that book and snuggle into ... Sat, 26 Dec 2015 21:22:11 EST Back to feeling like myself! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6051137 The roller coaster has finally leveled out and this morning I feel good. Ah... it has been so long since I have had depression and I had forgotten how awful it is. My kids are the best. "Mom, want to come for a walk?" "Mom, want to go for a night time geocache?" "Mom, I'll go get eggs for you". With my post partum depression and then the depression I had after my car accident there was very little support. The kids were young, hubby was working as hard as he could to make ends meet. ... Tue, 22 Dec 2015 09:20:36 EST The cone of shame... and friends http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6043686 Friends! I NEED them. I was reflecting early this morning that I am envious of one of my friends because she has 4 "grandmothers" in her life. Not biological grandmothers, they are women who have "adopted" her to share their wisdom, stories and guide her. <BR> <BR> I was thinking that I never had that. The "adults" in my life growing up were not to be trusted, inconsistent, made promises that were never kept, and encouraged me in behaviours that were not healthy. I can think of some i... Mon, 7 Dec 2015 09:20:48 EST Finding Humility http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6038506 Our meditation yesterday has stayed in my mind. I have habit of having self deprecating statements balanced with believing somehow I am better than others. Humility is somewhere in the middle and when I pray or meditate humility is the result of seeing that those extremes do me harm. Yet the meditation was about accepting those extremes as essential for finding humility. It is our motivation. I think both feelings are born of fear which breeds judgement. Unconditional love for myself an... Fri, 27 Nov 2015 08:39:20 EST What do I want? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6034165 What do I want? In the shower this morning that was my question to myself, forehead against the tiles and letting the water leak where tears should fall. I'm cried out. My cousin and then my dog. These things come in threes and my daughter had a hard night with vertigo and throwing up so I woke up exhausted but glad to hear the creek of the recliner as she re-positioned herself. I want my daughter's misery to be over... but not like that. No, be careful what you ask for. There may be s... Wed, 18 Nov 2015 10:29:36 EST Marry My Soul http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6033696 Wonderful reading the other day and it has stayed with me so I thought I'd share. <BR> <BR> "Being true to who we are means carrying our spirit like a candle in the center of our darkness" <BR> <BR> "If we are to live without silencing or numbing essential parts of who we are, a vow must be invoked and upheld within oneself. The same commitments we pronounce when embarking on a marriage can be understood internally as a devotion to the care of one's soul: to have and to hold... for better... Tue, 17 Nov 2015 13:05:46 EST