JORDANLHALL's SparkPeople Blog JORDANLHALL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Pointless Feels like my life has gone to pieces in the last week and a half. Since my last blog entry nothing has really changed much. My life still sucks. <BR> <BR> No idea how much I weigh or how I've been doing on the whole weight loss things. There are days where I eat nothing at all because I'm so depressed, then there are days that I binge on 3000+ calories because I'm so depressed. Maybe I'll be lucky and break even or something. <BR> <BR> All I can think about is how much I don't want to b... Mon, 9 Feb 2015 19:54:34 EST The Camel's Back Why is it every time I try to make positive changes in life, everything comes crashing down on me? <BR> <BR> Even though I have managed to lose six pounds in two weeks, it has mostly been due to not eating out of depression. I am getting demoted at work because I made a mistake on a report and a client got upset over it. Embarrassment aside, demotion means paycut. Paycut means I can't afford to eat and pay my bills. My lender also decided on the same day to quadruple the minimum payment on ... Sat, 31 Jan 2015 06:27:17 EST On The Right Track I'm not gonna lie - I'm surprised I'm still sticking to the dieting so far. It's been a stressful week! The worst part is that I found out that my crappy neighbor has been terrorizing my dogs with water balloons when I'm not home, and now I have to buy and set up a security camera to catch him and press charges. As an introvert I'm definitely not a big fan of confrontation - let alone with strangers. Hopefully it doesn't come to all that... <BR> <BR> But anyway! Yeah. The food part is going... Thu, 22 Jan 2015 21:27:01 EST Beginning Again Well. What is there to say? <BR> <BR> It's been a full year since I was last kind-of-active on Spark. It's also been about that long since my health aspirations have lapsed and I've been floundering pitifully. I've gained almost all of my weight back, and I'm only about 15 pounds below my all time highest weight. So it's pretty much like I'm starting from scratch all over again. Hooray. <BR> <BR> Not going to lie, it's been sort of a tough year for me. Last January is when I started with ... Mon, 19 Jan 2015 07:31:07 EST The Prodigal Return I have returned! <BR> <BR> It feels like forever. <BR> <BR> Anywho, a lot - and I mean A LOT - has happened since my last peetering blog in December. <BR> <BR> First off, my company made the official split right before Christmas and thanks to that my life kind of exploded and had to chaotically be rearranged. I'm working a new schedule, now, which is nice so far! Instead of the whole six days on, two days off nonsense pre-split, I'm now working 10 hour shifts Tues-Fri and I get every Sa... Wed, 22 Jan 2014 03:16:24 EST Welcome Back, Spark! It would seem that my Spark has returned to me! I will remain cautiously optimistic at this point, but optimistic nonetheless. Yay! <BR> <BR> Yesterday did wonders to my mood. I didn't realize how depressed I have been over the past few months. Even though I've only upgraded to a "pleasant" mood standing, the difference is vast. I might as well be giddy, haha. It was great getting to spend the day at home doing fun things like reading, writing, watching feel-good movies and wrapping Christm... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 02:49:58 EST Hobbling Along Today I finally mustered up the courage to get back on the scale for the first time since, like, October. I've been really struggling with staying on track calorie-wise and thought - if it wasn't totally soul-crushing - the exact numbers would be motivational. Unlike usual, I stepped on the scale fully-clothed, and got the reading of 201.8 lbs. <BR> <BR> Although I am disappointed I've backtracked past my halfway-to-goal mark and right out of Onederland, I'm feeling okay about it. Frankly I... Thu, 19 Dec 2013 17:10:33 EST Back In The Game - For Real This Time! So I'm back! <BR> <BR> I've been sliding off the wagon for a long time now, but the past month and half or so has seen me so far off, I can't even see the wagon anymore! No tracking, no portion control, lots of fried processed foods... it's bad! I can tell just by looking in the mirror that I have gained back at least twenty pounds (still too chicken to get on the scale to see the real damage. I know, I'm working on getting over that hurdle!). <BR> <BR> But I've had enough. I'm sick of fe... Tue, 10 Dec 2013 02:33:20 EST Still Here. Kind Of. I just wanted to touch base to verify that I'm still alive and whatnot, even though I currently have zero activity on Spark right now. Sorry! <BR> <BR> I haven't been tracking my food at all this past week. I gave it a genuine effort with my last blog, but it seems like these days I don't have the energy or the time. I'm not going all out stuff-my-face and going through drive-thru's or anything, which is good. I just really don't have time to track and be meticulous. So I guess I'm not doin... Fri, 29 Nov 2013 14:07:15 EST Going Off Menu As expected, yesterday started out as a total stink fest. Just knowing I had to go into work (plus it's almost that week), I was just in a bad mood. Everything irritated me, and it took A LOT of tea and forced chatting to calm myself down a bit and just relax. I wish I knew that was so hard for me sometimes (haha I'm sure if I ever went to the doctor, I would be diagnosed social anxiety or mild autism or SOMETHING, but that costs money so no thanks to that). <BR> <BR> Anywho, my day's meal ... Thu, 21 Nov 2013 02:38:47 EST The Stage Is Set: Time To Get Back On Track! By the time I wrote my blog yesterday, I was pretty fed up. I was motivated. I went right to the store and blew my entire food budget for this pay period on groceries. For the first time in I don't know how long, the pantry and fridge are stuffed in a good way - broccoli, asparagus, jalapenos, bananas, apples, Greek yogurt, whole grain pasta and brown rice, chicken breasts, dates, herbal teas, almond butter. I feel healthy just opening up the fridge and looking at it all, haha. I feel a bit l... Wed, 20 Nov 2013 01:11:02 EST Mythical Quest First of all - I wanted to thank all of your for your amazing words of support and encouragement on my previous blog! You have no idea how much it means to me, really. Thank you. <BR> <BR> Unfortunately I cannot say that I've turned a corner and gotten back on the wagon yet. The bad habits and the over eating have been constant, and I feel terrible. I look in the mirror at my body, fell how my work clothes fit, and I know - I know! - I've gained at least another fifteen pounds on top of the... Tue, 19 Nov 2013 13:24:48 EST Today Could Be The Day Sometimes I can't help but wonder why life insists on being all crazy and chaotic. Things just never go the way I'd like, do they? Haha but I guess everyone can say that. <BR> <BR> Not going to lie, this month has not been spectacular for me in terms of weight loss goals... or in general, really. Things have just been out of whack since that trip to Austin at the end of October. Since then I haven't even bothered to track my food anymore, and I know all that progress (nearly four pounds!) I... Wed, 13 Nov 2013 16:44:00 EST Quick Update Well! It's hard for me to believe it's been so long since my last update! Time has really flown for me. <BR> <BR> The trip to Austin went well and was a welcome break, although I didn't do well on food at all. I ate what I imagine to be moderately at all my favorite places (instead of getting a whole short stack of Kerbey Lane's pumpkin pie pancakes, I split a single one with my friend), but I didn't bother to count and know I wasn't anywhere below maintenance range. <BR> <BR> Unfortunat... Wed, 6 Nov 2013 12:31:50 EST Boiled Over I wish I could say I've been doing fantastic since my last blog. But of course, in my usual fashion, it's exactly the opposite. <BR> <BR> I was really in freak out mode, if you couldn't tell by my last post. The stress was mounting, the work week was too much, and for some reason I just couldn't keep the anxiety and the pressure under wraps. I was dreading yesterday, because that was the day I was supposed to be officially leading the shift at work because both of the supervisors were going... Fri, 25 Oct 2013 00:33:35 EST Quick Update Within Another Crazy Work Week The past four days have been... crazy. I don't have the energy to think up a more appropriate word, haha. <BR> <BR> Friday was the first day in a six day work week for me. It was also a thirteen hour work day, because everything was so behind and crazy I ended up staying until past four in the morning trying to get everything caught up. Starting the week out like that, I don't quite feel like I've recovered. It's been one long string of work interspersed by brief periods of showering and s... Tue, 22 Oct 2013 04:45:54 EST My Saving Grace I went completely off track on food yesterday! My routine got all thrown out of whack because I didn't get home from work until about three-thirty in the morning, and when I forced myself to get up in the early afternoon the next day I was still exhausted beyond belief for some reason. It didn't help that I started my day off with a business meeting at a Mexican cantina, where the boss of my new company came along and laid the table with margaritas for everyone, tamales, fajita nachos, and br... Thu, 17 Oct 2013 15:37:04 EST Mid-Month Evaluation So! Today marks 15 days since I seriously recommitted to my weight loss goals after two straight months of abandon and gaining back 11 of the 69 pounds I lost. I figured it would be a good time to recap and speculate on what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong in hopes that I can keep at it and increase the size and frequency of my successes. So yay! <BR> <BR> Due to another extremely stressful day at work I barely edged in 1000-1100 calories yesterday. So when I stepped on the scale t... Tue, 15 Oct 2013 13:06:37 EST Take On Me Haha I have been listening to 80's music all weekend, and I have that song stuck in my head. Plus I think I'm in love with the music video. Better than listening to Miley Cyrus or any if that kind of garbage, though! They definitely don't make music like they used to. <BR> <BR> Anywho, today would be perfect to have off from work! It's overcast and gloomy with a bit of rain here and there, and the 70-something degree weather feels positively cool to my Texan body. I have the house to myself... Mon, 14 Oct 2013 12:57:22 EST Up And Down, Up And Down I will start off with a positive and say that I am proud of myself: Since the first of the month I have committed to weighing myself everyday to make sure I keep an eye on my weight, and I've stuck to that, even on days I knew the news was going to be bad. It takes a lot to face your fears and your faults, even if they are little! <BR> <BR> With that said, I feel like I'm going nowhere! My weight is bouncing around like crazy, and it's impossible to feel like I've made any progress in the l... Fri, 11 Oct 2013 12:39:47 EST Flats and Fair Fails Well the past couple of days have been interesting, to say the least. <BR> <BR> I went to the Texas State Fair yesterday with some friends, which was really exciting because I've never officially been before. I had a really great time walking around the auto show, test driving cars, being the weird adult having more fun than the kids on bumper cars, and getting licked by a cow, haha. I'm not going to lie though; my food was out of control! I started out good with a protein shake in the mor... Wed, 9 Oct 2013 02:14:27 EST Good Sleep and Cooler Weather The only good thing about being super swamped at work and doing overtime is that the work week passes quickly. Usually the six straight days become a long, excruciating drag, but I just realized I only have today and tomorrow left in the week and I'm kind of wondering where the rest of the days went. <BR> <BR> Haha and thankfully I have more to look forward to besides the proximity of my days off! First of all, a cold front rolled in, bringing overcast rainy weather and cooler temperatures!... Sat, 5 Oct 2013 13:45:29 EST Exhausted My blog title pretty much sums everything up. <BR> <BR> The past few days at work have been crazy. On my first day back from weekend the upper management guys came in and put everything in an uproar. This company split thing is getting intense, and these guys installed a webcam to spy on us and sent people home for silly things like not doing their work fast enough and micromanaged everyone - it was stressful! Of course that compounding on the fact that we are shorthanded and the past two n... Fri, 4 Oct 2013 12:15:18 EST Doing Well So Far (It's Only Been a Day!) Whelp. It's my Monday. : | Haha there's only so much of a good mood that I can be in on that alone, considering I'm the furthest I can be from my next day off. But I can't think like that! More positive thoughts! <BR> <BR> I weighed in yesterday for the whole first of the month business, and I was right back to where I was on September first. :X Well, about .02 lbs down so I guess it's a victory, albeit microscopic. The good news is that I didn't gain any, and that's really what matters. H... Wed, 2 Oct 2013 14:08:37 EST When In Trouble, Drink Something Delicious Haha, that has become my mantra recently. Delicious drinks have definitely been a saving grace for me recently. <BR> <BR> For example, I've already mentioned the protein shake thing. I had another one late this morning when I got out and about to tackle my to-do list, and it kept me satiated well into late afternoon/early evening. When I did eat, though, I purchased a carnitas al carbon plate from a Mexican restaurant that had fajita steak, Spanish rice, borracho style pinto beans (stewed w... Mon, 30 Sep 2013 23:54:06 EST Secret Weapon (Sort Of) So yeah. I've pretty much been back to old habits since my last blog. :X They're so hard to break! I do great during the day at work, but soon as I get home, I consume like 800 calories instead of the two or three hundred, and I blow the whole day. I'm not going anywhere near the scale because I'm terrified, but that always seems to be my motivator, because I always have to face the cold hard truth. Well, I guess I'll get on the scale on the first whether I like it or not. <BR> <BR> But t... Sun, 29 Sep 2013 22:42:09 EST Tripping and Falling When I was a kid, and I managed to trip and fall, there was always one of two outcomes: First option you cry for a bit, then rub your nose clean and get back up. Second option is you cry indefinitely, allowing yourself to be overwhelmed by what's just happened, admitting defeat and crumbling apart until you either run out of tears or someone comes along and takes care of you. <BR> <BR> I'd like to think I'm of the first option persuasion. <BR> <BR> So yeah. Having the weekend off didn't w... Wed, 25 Sep 2013 14:24:17 EST Food And Work. Food And Work. Haha this work week has felt like it's lasted forever. Seems like all I do is work and think about food. Well, not think about food in terms of wishing I could be gorging, but different ideas for meals, counting calories, etc. It's kind of nice, actually, because it's made me feel successful and proactive and whatnot. <BR> <BR> Today is payday, and I'm hoping it will be my first week on track financially. Ever since before my vacation earlier this month, I've kind of been off the rails and ... Fri, 20 Sep 2013 02:21:35 EST Weird Appetite and Considering Supplements Well my birthday-themed emotional outburst was pretty embarrassing. But at the very least it is good that I got it out of my system and am able to move past it. <BR> <BR> Right now I have to steel myself against all the frustrations I've been feeling at work. I had lunch with my future department head when the company splits, and she said unfortunately since the other side is playing so dirty, there's not much we can do but grin and bear it until we're able to get up and out of there. I'm ... Wed, 18 Sep 2013 14:07:13 EST Unsatisfying. I don't know why I always get my hopes up when it comes to my birthday. I always set myself up for failure. <BR> <BR> I probably shouldn't start off being so dramatic. Sorry. <BR> <BR> My day was... okay, I suppose. There were a lot of letdowns. Last week a friend scheduled to have lunch with me on my birthday, and only an hour before we were to meet up cancelled on me saying she had to pick her daughter up from daycare (isn't that something someone would already know about before making... Tue, 17 Sep 2013 02:20:39 EST Birthday Blog Entry Oh my goodness! I just typed this big long blog entry and the website ate it! :X I guess I'll have to rewrite everything. <BR> <BR> Anywho, thanks for all the birthday wishes on my previous blog! Haha technically today is my birthday, but the sentiment is appreciated nonetheless. Thank you! <BR> <BR> Haha thankfully yesterday wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Work went by quickly, and I was able to spend the whole shift in a side room with me and one other co-worker who I like, and we we... Mon, 16 Sep 2013 02:32:09 EST Birthday Woes and Work Drama My title sounds so whiny! I'll try to dial the emotions back a bit on this one. <BR> <BR> If it isn't obvious I'm pretty bummed right now. My two days off were good; there were a lot of people that wanted to do something for my birthday, and it was nice to know they cared and whatnot. But man. Everything was food related! Friday night some friends cooked me dinner (macaroni and cheese homemade, sauteed zucchini in butter and garlic, and ground beef) with a side of cupcakes. I ate too much. ... Sun, 15 Sep 2013 14:35:53 EST Revamp (Mostly) Achieved (Disclaimer: It's like 1:30 am so even though the date is the 11th, I'm writing it like it's still the 10th!) <BR> <BR> If I have ever enjoyed anything in life, it's a good ole' revamp. I'm definitely that person who gets a little bit too giddy and excited when I get around to redecorating or just moving the furniture around, because it's something new and different and indicates one of nearly infinite possibilities of improvement. So why not use that to my advantage when it comes to weight ... Wed, 11 Sep 2013 02:41:47 EST Incoming Revamp I've decided that to help me get back on track for good, I'm going to revamp my spark page, my goals, etc and give my whole Sparkpage presence a whole revamp. Hopefully by the time I make my next blog entry, I'll have it all figured out and executed. <BR> <BR> I ended yesterday at about 1500-1550 calories, which is the very tippy top of my calorie range, but it's still within the calorie range. I knew planning my meals so low on calories yesterday wasn't going to be the true outcome, but I ... Tue, 10 Sep 2013 14:20:41 EST Failure There is no sugar-coating it. I have been a complete failure the past 2-3 months, and really a partial failure for the past year. Slowly but surely I've slid off the wagon and down the slope until I can't even see the wagon anymore. <BR> <BR> I. Have. Failed. <BR> <BR> This morning I forced myself to get on the scale and face the music: 197.8 pounds. I have gained ten freaking pounds. I'm almost back to 200! That's... unacceptable. Despicable. Infuriating. How could I have let myself go t... Mon, 9 Sep 2013 14:55:32 EST Returning to "Normal" The worst part about coming back from vacation and only working one day before a weekend is that my mind is still on vacation mode. I have zero motivation to go back to work today, and the idea of working six straight days seems straight up unbearable. But then again how often to I go a whole weekend without thinking that? I just hope the work week that starts today isn't as hard and difficult as I'm expecting it to be. <BR> <BR> Well at the very least thanks to a very good night's sleep I ... Sat, 7 Sep 2013 11:32:37 EST Back Home Well! Even though I've been gone for five or six days, it feels like it's been weeks or even a month! Like with any vacation that totally throws off all my routines, I feel like a different person, and I'm having a pretty wicked time adjusting back to the usual, you know? <BR> <BR> Anywho, WorldCon was fun! Like I said in previous blogs I was totally worried about things being awkward with these people who I considered pre-divorce friends and that we had drifted apart. Well that didn't seem... Tue, 3 Sep 2013 20:53:46 EST Wiped Out Whew. Oh man. <BR> <BR> The past few days at work have been crazy. We've been short due to people calling in sick and vacation time, so I have been doing triple duty since the weekend started. Today I did so much work I didn't even leave my computer to use the restroom, and at the end of the day I felt completely and utterly wiped out. It's kind of good, because my calories are just under 1200 for the day. But it's bad because I don't believe I'm going to get much rest in the coming days. ... Tue, 27 Aug 2013 03:16:51 EST Doing Good So Far Despite the date on this blog, it's still technically Saturday night for me. That means that I'm still fighting the urge to eat something! Today I thought I would indulge a bit and got my favorite lunch special from my favorite sushi place. All and all it's a pretty healthy meal! It consists of a California roll (calorie estimates vary from 255 to as far as 540 calories! I stuck with the median amount of about 320 calories for a roll), five pieces of nigiri sushi including salmon, shrimp, whi... Sun, 25 Aug 2013 02:28:07 EST Whine Machine Surprise! Two blogs in a row. Shocking, I know. But I think the key to getting back on the wagon and staying on is interacting on Spark as much as possible. It worked before, right? <BR> <BR> Anywho, I can't help but feel like I've been nothing buy a big fat whining machine. Boohoo, I can't get back on the wagon. My job is stressful. Boohoo I'm going on vacation... wait what? I'm kind of embarrassed actually. I blame the hormones. Anywho. If I'm that upset about so many things then what's go... Fri, 23 Aug 2013 13:43:59 EST Needing A Change Haha I am typing this with one hand while blow drying my hair so I'm sorry in advance for any errors I might make. <BR> <BR> I really want today to be a fresh start in more ways than just getting back to eating healthy and losing weight. August has been a really hard month for me and I know my eating habits are a symptom of frustration and exhaustion. Work has nearly become a toxic environment for me. On top of the usual stresses of being behind and overloaded with work other people decided... Thu, 22 Aug 2013 13:57:24 EST Le Sigh I never mean for it to be so long between blog posts! I'm trying to be more active on Spark and it always seems like I'm doing the opposite. <BR> <BR> So yeah. I'll say straight up, once again, that I have been a big huge failure with food. In the past week I have fallen completely off the wagon, not tracking, not even making healthy food choices. Yesterday a bunch of friends and I went to the movies because the power went out after a huge storm and I gorged ceaselessly on things like choco... Wed, 14 Aug 2013 14:28:46 EST Jumbled Mess, Add Cupcakes and Car Washes Whew! I can't believe it has been so long since my last blog! Time flies when things get crazy. <BR> <BR> Frankly I don't know how I have been doing food wise since I stopped tracking almost a week ago. I can say, though, that since my last blog that binge monster has completely disappeared. There was actually a day last weekend where I was so stressed at work that I ended up eating over 2000 calories by the end of the day - but the very next day (my first day off) I hardly ate anything be... Thu, 8 Aug 2013 14:14:24 EST Putting A Stressful Day In The Rear View Man, was yesterday stressful! But first a quick recap of the day before that: <BR> <BR> The night before last I had a huge problem struggling with the binge monster. I'm still not quite sure if I was genuinely hungry or was seeking psychological release by eating, but I couldn't help but eat SOMETHING even though I was already at my target calorie range when I got home from work. I kept it at about 1469 that day instead of my desired 1200-1300, but that's still within my Spark range, so I'll... Thu, 1 Aug 2013 03:15:57 EST Making Up Ground Well. Today I finally made myself get back on the scale, something I haven't done in over a month. The news was bitter but not surprising - 188.0. That means I've gained a little less than three pounds since the end of June. As expected I'm a bit upset with myself, but hopefully I can gain some ground this time and make that final push towards goal weight (and maybe even get out of the 180's, like, finally). <BR> <BR> Yesterdays calories ended at 1608, which is 58 calories higher than my ma... Tue, 30 Jul 2013 14:46:22 EST Lazy-athon Yesterday was the biggest day of lazy I have had in a good long while. I totally called in sick to work (with minimal guilt) and all I've done today was lie around and watch movie after movie after movie. To be honest it's been absolutely fabulous. So many of my days off lately have been spent taking crazy-stressful certification tests or taking my mom to the VA for spinal surgery at like five in the morning. Or other such stuff. And it's only been recently that I've started to notice how wor... Mon, 29 Jul 2013 01:46:03 EST An Ounce In the Right Direction GAH! I wrote this big whole long blog post and the website ate it! T.T Oh well. Here goes again I suppose: <BR> <BR> Yesterday was really, really tough! I had all my chores and cleaning and whatnot done by early afternoon, which left me with a majority of the day full of nothing to do! Boredom has always been one of my greatest enemies. When I'm bored I end up going crazy! Haha but that usually happens to me. The tough part had to do with the food! <BR> <BR> The day started out pretty w... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 03:18:00 EST A Step In the Right Direction The weather was absolutely weird yesterday! It rained on and off in the most episodic fashion I've ever seen, leaving the temperature and humidity wobbling miserably and the barometric shifts making my knees ache. I'm hoping a long, hot shower will cure my aches as much as crawling into bed with the sweet realization that I have tomorrow off and do not have to be up by a certain time. <BR> <BR> Food today was really, really hard to calculate. A friend wanted to meet up and hang out, which u... Sat, 27 Jul 2013 02:38:32 EST Trying To Get A Foothold Well! Even though the date of this blog says Friday, I'm still considering it Thursday night, because I just got off work and what not. Haha thought the blog would make more sense if I put that out there. <BR> <BR> Wednesday night was a real low point for me. I had done really well with food during the day and only had eaten about 1300 when I got home from work. But then I binged. I ate 325 calories of lasagna Hamburger Helper, plus 300 calories of brown rice, plus God knows how many hundre... Fri, 26 Jul 2013 02:34:04 EST Success Everywhere But Food! First of all I want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU to all the encouraging comments on my previous blog! They are always so uplifting and sometimes that's what gets me through the day! <BR> <BR> So updates! I passed that test like it was nothing! Haha. I was super nervous the whole time, and it didn't help that the first two questions were completely out of left field on things I hadn't even thought to study, but I soldiered through it and finished the two our exam in 42 minutes. Haha I got an 8... Mon, 22 Jul 2013 13:39:26 EST