JENS1974's SparkPeople Blog JENS1974's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community The negative voice in my head...and learning to drown it out! Our company is celebrating it's 30th Anniversary this week. I was putting some slides together with photos of employees, which required going through old photos from past events. I've been with the company for 11 years, ok almost 12, so there are some OLD pictures of me during some of my worst periods. <BR> <BR> The frustrating part is seeing them and having the negative talk start in my head. That initial reaction of disgust. And then there is fear...what if I still look that way and ... Wed, 11 May 2016 10:52:41 EST Weightloss has changed my life...some good...some bad...but all in all, I couldn't be happier. My weight and body issues have been a constant in my life since 3rd grade. I remember my Mom taking me to a nutritionist in 3rd grade to help with my eating and weight. What I didn't realize is that her attempt to help planted that little seed that let me know that something wasn't right about me and my body. From that point forward, I knew I wasn't like other people and that I should be ashamed of my body and my weight. <BR> <BR> My weight has gone up and down over the years, but my s... Thu, 5 May 2016 10:21:00 EST Fitting in I'm not talking about fitting in with the crowd...I'm talking about fitting into airplane seats! Took my daughter down to Disney last week. We took a flight down to Orlando, and then 2 flights to Pensacola...and each flight, the seats seemed to get smaller and smaller. But I was comfortable! My butt wasn't wedged in, and I didn't have to loosen the seat belt to the loosest setting. It was a FABULOUS feeling! <BR> <BR> I was also able to get in and out of the rides at Disney with ease!... Mon, 28 Sep 2015 14:16:36 EST Breaking through a plateau - FINALLY! For the past several weeks, I've hovered at the 30lb mark. The scale has fluctuated up and down, but never below 30lbs...UNTIL TODAY!! Finally! It took a little more consciousness on my part to break through. I'd gotten a little off track with my portions at dinner. So, started being more mindful again. I cranked up my cardio a little. Trying to get into running. Not there yet...but trying!! <BR> <BR> I'm officially down 31lbs...and I couldn't be happier! Yay!! Now on to my next g... Wed, 16 Sep 2015 10:21:59 EST Pride! So, I'm beaming today. Received this picture from a recent hike with my family and can't believe the difference in my body! I'm getting close to the 30lb mark! <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> On top of that, my physical capabilities have improved so much! Went for a walk with my family - ended up running most of the way with my daughter. I then decided to take my kids on a hike up a mountain near our house. ... Fri, 21 Aug 2015 12:28:05 EST The new me! Wow, it's amazing the difference a few months can make. I'm just kind of rock'n and roll'n. Seems that I've kicked my emotional eating habits. I wont' say I am 100% over it, but I definitely have more control. I'm officially down 25lbs! My muscles are defined and toned. I still have work to do, but I love my body! I love that I can now do arm dips, and even push ups. <BR> <BR> I worked out with a trainer a few weeks ago. He had me do a tabata workout - 20/10 interval workout - 20... Wed, 29 Jul 2015 09:31:28 EST Slow and Steady - 20 lbs down! There are days when I'm thrilled with my progress and feel like a I'm so different now...not only in appearance, but in my confidence and just how I eat and take care of myself. But then there are other times when I get frustrated with the slowness. I want the scale to move faster...I want my tummy to be flatter...I want the next size down in clothing. <BR> <BR> SO, during those times, I stop and take a breath. I take a moment to notice how strong the muscles are in my legs. I notice t... Tue, 23 Jun 2015 10:54:52 EST Pushing myself I've reached this point with my fitness where I really enjoy pushing myself a little harder each time. On Saturday night, it was pushing my yoga poses a little further. Today, it was speeding up the treadmill and sticking with it to the end. I could feel it in my legs and I considered slowing down...but I didn't. I kept on going and made it through! I feel awesome! <BR> <BR> These little moments are huge! My body is changing, but more importantly, my mind is changing. It's giving m... Wed, 20 May 2015 14:12:09 EST A new lifestyle We had the typical game, Girl Scouts, cleaning and shopping. As I tried to wrangle the kids into bed last night, I realized I never had time to get any fitness in, and it was bothering me. Now, I did run around with the kids, playing chase with my daughter and dancing with them both. But I never took any time to focus on some fitness by myself. What did I do? Put on my yoga pants and headed straight into the living room for a little yoga before bed. It was awesome! S... Mon, 18 May 2015 11:08:18 EST Progressing! I felt confident enough to snap a progressing pic at the gym this week! It feels so great to be doing this! On Tuesday, I couldn't go to the gym because I had an appointment, and I seriously considered canceling my appointment just to go! A few months ago, I would have looked for any excuse to not go! Next week, when setting up lunch appointments, I made a point of working around my gym schedule! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> So, here ... Fri, 8 May 2015 11:55:43 EST 13 Pounds Gone! Healthy Body Here! I'm down 13lbs today! I can't believe it! One of these days I'll start taking my other measurements because I know my body is changing more than the scale is showing. Clothes are fitting better, and my belly just doesn't seem quite so bumpy. <BR> <BR> The best part? I'm happy. And it's not just because of the weight loss. It's because I'm making positive changes in my life. I haven't had a Diet Coke in a month! WHAT?!? I have my coffee in the morning, and then switch to water with ... Wed, 29 Apr 2015 09:19:40 EST It's being noticed! The scale and I have a love/hate relationship. Ok, mostly hate. I get on the scale and it's up or the same. So on days when I don't see the scale moving, it's really gratifying to hear..."Wow, you look great! How much have you lost?". <BR> <BR> Yesterday, one of my co-workers said something to me. I updated my Linked In Photo and one of my vendors sent me an email to say how great I looked and then asked me to lunch. (hmmm?) <img src=" Wed, 22 Apr 2015 10:19:48 EST It's not's you Dear Body, <BR> <BR> I love you. I love that I have strong legs that can jog up steps, walk in heels, and carry an armload of kids and their things up a flight of stairs. I love that my arms are getting stronger each week. My daughter just pointed out that she wants her biceps to show like mine do! I love that my clothes are fitting better and better each day. <BR> <BR> This is a good bye message. I'm saying goodbye to the old me. The one that always hated my body and thought that... Wed, 15 Apr 2015 09:25:08 EST I'm my Confidence showing??? Maybe it's turning 40, maybe it's recent success at work, maybe it's just because it's spring! But something has changed inside of me. It's amazing! I've gotten back into my gym routine, and love it. During soccer practice, I walk the track (and check out some of the cute soccer dads). I'm eating the right things and limiting the "less-right" things. At my daughter's soccer game, I ran around playing with my son. I wore my 3 year old out! He finally had to say..."Ok, Mommy...stop... Mon, 6 Apr 2015 09:52:46 EST One Day at a Time...November 6 One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm feeling good this week. What I've done: <BR> <BR> 1.) Tuesday I went back to the gym and worked out for an hour (cardio & weights) <BR> 2.) I have committed to drinking a bottle of water before drinking my daily Diet Coke. Today is day 3, and it's working out well! <BR> 3.) I'm making healthier choices in small increments. While I cooked dinner last night, I munched on carrots. I brought a pair to work yesterday and had that as a snack. I fo... Thu, 6 Nov 2014 10:42:51 EST Facing the Music It's November 4, 2014, and I'm forcing myself to face the music. I gave up. I quit. I have used lots of excuses to avoid dealing with my weight. Now, here I am, weighing 241lbs and feeling terrible. Not just emotionally terrible, but physically terrible. I am exhausted all the time. My stomach hurts from not feeding it the right stuff. I look terrible. My face is puffy from too much fat and sodium. My stomach is getting too big for Matthew to sit on my lap comfortably. My favorit... Tue, 4 Nov 2014 10:53:41 EST It's a Good Day Today There are many reasons why today is a good day. For one, it's my Husband's birthday. Yay! <BR> <BR> I have to brag on him for a minute because I think he's AWESOME. He's kind, loving, a great dad, and takes really good care of us all. He's my rock. I can get worked up and crazy at times, and he's the calm I sometimes need. So Happy Birthday Honey! <BR> <BR> Another good thing about today is that last night I planned and prepped my lunch for today. I have joined a new Spark Tea... Thu, 4 Sep 2014 11:40:04 EST Out of Sight, Out of Mind One of my biggest obstacles with my weight loss plan is that as soon as I'm away from my computer, my goals and plans are "out of sight, out of mind". I've recently had someone suggest I get tested for ADD, as I do tend to do that with a lot of things. I sit in a meeting and take a bunch of notes, but as soon as I come back to my desk I can't seem to focus on what I need to do. <BR> <BR> I function at work by keeping a list in front of me. One that is hand-written and updated daily. E... Tue, 2 Sep 2014 10:05:09 EST Body Image - What my Daughter Sees I came home from a rough day at work and my 7 year old had drawn a beautiful picture of our family for me. She drew Daddy, Matthew, Herself, the dog, and Me. I noticed something in that picture - I wasn't fat. In fact, in every picture she draws, I'm the same size as all of the other adults. In that simple moment, I realized that my kids don't see me the same way that I see myself. <BR> <BR> A few years ago, my sister called to tell me that my niece (who was about 2 or 3 at the time) s... Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:36:19 EST Small Choices...Leading to Big Results? I'm trying to make one or two small changes to my eating each day. Just like working on my self image - it's WORK. Every day at lunch I have to go to battle with myself. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm having a rough day, I want to sit at lunch, vent and eat what I want. At lately, work has been a string of rough days. <BR> <BR> The stupid thing is that I feel great when I make good choice! I feel rotten when I don't. You'd think it'd be an easy choice! But, I'm doing it in smal... Tue, 26 Aug 2014 16:22:27 EST A Compliment Today, I received a compliment from a co-worker. She said that she didn't know what was going on with me, but lately, I just seemed to be carrying myself with more confidence. It was a lovely compliment! <BR> <BR> I guess I have been feeling better about myself lately. I think there are a few things I've done to help myself. First, getting back onto Sparkpeople and just paying attention to what I'm eating. I've also been paying more attention to my appearance - getting my hair cut in a... Fri, 22 Aug 2014 10:58:47 EST Body Image - Loving your Body no matter what size. This is something I've really struggled with. The idea of loving your body no matter your size. I have never tried to compare myself to the magazines or tv. But I do see the extra weight and the effect it has on my life. I think it stems from struggling with my weight at such a young age. <BR> <BR> In a recent discussion with someone, I pointed out that I remembered going to a nutritionist with my Mom to help me learn how to eat and lose weight. My mom had the best intentions, but th... Tue, 19 Aug 2014 10:27:15 EST Sunday Evening Time It's been a busy weekend and I'm feeling good! <BR> <BR> I'm happy to report that we have a new range and range hood in our kitchen. It's been a year in the making. Our 30+ year old range was referred to as "The Beast", as it blew out flames when lit. After discovering obstacle after obstacle, we FINALLY have a new range. It preheats, it turns on quietly, and no sign of flames shooting out of it when turning it on. I already cook a lot, but now I can do it more comfortably! <BR> <BR>... Sun, 13 Jul 2014 20:25:27 EST Was that a little glimmer? Well, I made it to day 2! That's something, right? I made better choices in my eating. I stopped myself when I wanted to munch before dinner was ready. I didn't scrounge around in the cabinet before bed looking for "something" to munch on. And I'm back today! <BR> <BR> I may be seeing a little glimmer of my spark...still dim...but it's there! <BR> <BR> I've discovered Quaker Popped Rice Snacks - Ranch flavor. All the crunch and saltiness I crave, but a healthier option. It's a sta... Thu, 10 Jul 2014 10:27:22 EST My own worst enemy I spend a lot of time thinking...and not acting. During my commute, I spend my time in my car thinking about all the great things I'm going to do, and then I don't. Every night before bed, I set out my workout clothes and plan to get up...and I don't. I look in the mirror in the morning and think about how puffy my face is and how unflattering my haircut is now...and do nothing. I see myself in a picture and get depressed...and still do nothing. <BR> <BR> I just don't seem to know how t... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 11:15:47 EST My own worst enemy I spend a lot of time thinking...and not acting. During my commute, I spend my time in my car thinking about all the great things I'm going to do, and then I don't. Every night before bed, I set out my workout clothes and plan to get up...and I don't. I look in the mirror in the morning and think about how puffy my face is and how unflattering my haircut is now...and do nothing. I see myself in a picture and get depressed...and still do nothing. <BR> <BR> I just don't seem to know how t... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 11:15:44 EST A work in progress... I heard a co-worker use this term - a work in progress - to describe an issue we are resolving at the office. Everyone is working on the solution, but it's not complete yet. That's me right now...and probably always! I'm a work in progress. This week, I'm definitely making some progress with my goals! I still have work to do, but those small steps make a difference! <BR> <BR> One of my biggest challenges is lunch during the week. I often choose to eat out with my co-workers instead o... Wed, 15 Jan 2014 10:29:45 EST Plan A should have been Plan B... When I started to write this blog, I started to describe ever incident that has occurred this week that kept me derailed from my program. I outlined in detail the weather forecast for ice and how I bought into it, thinking we'd be iced in. I talked about the 3 am wake-up call from my toddler the night before my regular day back to work. And I was about to go into detail about many other little hiccups to my week. Then I hit the backspace key....for a long time. <BR> <BR> Because in trut... Thu, 9 Jan 2014 12:21:59 EST Ready for back to "normal"... I love the holidays, don't get me wrong! I love having some extra time off from work, spending time with the family, decorating, etc. However, now I'm ready for my routine to go back to normal. Our normal may be hectic, but it's consistent! This lazy work schedule has lead to staying up too late and sleeping in. I've allowed myself to skip workouts and eat junk - because it's the holidays after all! <BR> <BR> Our normal schedule will begin on Tuesday, when Kate goes back to school. My... Fri, 3 Jan 2014 11:11:19 EST "Back in the Saddle Again" seems to be running through my head... Probably because that is how I feel today. The end of the year has been a whirlwind! Career changes, holidays, vacation time, and getting out of my routine has meant a slip in my commitment to my health. As the year comes to a close, it is time to recommit and regroup! Time to get back into the Saddle Again! <BR> <BR> A quick recap of the past month - my boss left, which opened the door to an opportunity for me to step up and shine! It's been incredible! I'm achieving one of my goals ... Tue, 31 Dec 2013 09:58:03 EST Time to Re-Group! I have to admit, over the past couple of weeks, I've let my goals and plans fall the wayside. I haven't been making good food choices. I haven't been pushing myself on my workouts. I haven't taken the time to really focus on my goals and achieve them. There has just been too much going on and I've had to just let go of a few things. But that is stopping NOW! <BR> <BR> Now, I will say the past, when I've gone through phases like this, I just give up completely. I throw up my ... Thu, 14 Nov 2013 10:43:21 EST I need about 2 more hours in a day, and an on-call therapist! As I've mentioned in a few recent blogs, we're going through a really tough phase with Matthew - my 21month old. He's entered the terrible 2's like a racehorse busting through the gate when the starting gun goes off. Add this to a full work schedule, a ton of new responsibilities, and trying to let my 6 year old know that we still love her and want to have time for her too - Mommy is going a little nutsy! <BR> <BR> As a Mom, you begin to blame it on yourself. "I don't have enough time fo... Tue, 12 Nov 2013 11:45:07 EST So much can happen in a short time! Halloween, a trip to the mountains, and some major changes at work! All good! All keeping me very busy! <BR> <BR> We had a great Halloween! Both kids got to trick or treat, and were terribly cute! I had a minor success while walking around our extremely hilly neighborhood. As my neighbor huffed and puffed up the big hills, I noticed that I was still talking and walking with no problem! All my exercising is paying off! <BR> <BR> <img src=" Wed, 6 Nov 2013 10:32:21 EST 229 That's my next magic number, that's my goal, that's my motivation. When I weighed in on Friday, I finally got to 232. Yay! So, now my small goal is to get below the 230's. I want to see 229. So that night, before bed, I pictured 229 in my head and repeated it to myself over and over. <BR> <BR> I've had a rough few weeks lately, so I've had to dig deep to keep my motivation up. Last week, and into this week, I missed a few workouts due to exhaustion and depression taking over. I saw ... Wed, 30 Oct 2013 13:49:44 EST Hmmm...a light at the end of the tunnel? I just got some interesting news today at work that may make my future here a little brighter! <BR> <BR> I've been in my job for over 9 years, and have worked under the VP of sales. He's a difficult person to work for, in fact, I'm the only one that has lasted under him for this long - and it wasn't easy! He's a terrible manager, he's moody, inconsistent, and can just be mean sometimes. We've been together for so long that I get him and have learned how to deal with him. I've also absor... Wed, 23 Oct 2013 13:32:57 EST Enjoying the cooler weather - but still struggling. Fall is my absolute favorite time of the year, but it just doesn't feel the same this year. The weather has turned cooler and the leaves are changing. Usually, I start feeling excited about the season and getting ready for Halloween, etc. This year, I'm going through the motions. <BR> <BR> I talked to my doctor on Friday and she's checking my thyroid levels and some other things. She's going to get back to me today or tomorrow. I guess her thoughts are the depression medication woul... Mon, 21 Oct 2013 11:25:09 EST Off to the doctor today...hoping for some help and maybe a nap! I decided to head back to see my doctor today to regulate my medications. Something just isn't right. I'm just barely holding it all together. Of course, lack of sleep doesn't help anything! <BR> <BR> Last night my sweet little boy woke up at 3:30am crying. I finally got him settled again around 4:20am. Which meant I laid in bed and fell asleep about 5 minutes before my alarm went off. To say the least, I didn't work out this morning. <BR> <BR> Ironically, I got to work about 10 m... Fri, 18 Oct 2013 11:29:36 EST Struggling with my Mood and Energy lately! Argh! I want to feel good again! Several weeks ago I met with my doctor regarding my depression symptoms and got put on a new medication regime. It was working great! I felt better, I was motivated, and just plain happier. <BR> <BR> Thursday of last week I started to notice a change. It started with just some stresses at work, but then I noticed it was extending to home after work. I had less patience with my kids, and found myself tearing up as I sat next to my toddler's crib waitin... Tue, 15 Oct 2013 10:12:16 EST Stress and eating - even the horse looked appetizing! As I sat in the motionless line of traffic, going less than 2 miles in 30 minutes last night, my shoulders were so tense, they touched my earlobes and everything I saw reminded me of something delicious to eat. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was just one of THOSE days. Traffic was horrible, which meant my commute was 1 hour to work and over an hour to get home again. In between traffic, I had those pesky work hours, and they weren't fun. Different bosses wanting different things...all at the same... Thu, 10 Oct 2013 10:16:34 EST "Wow! You look so thin!" I ran into a friend I haven't seen in a while, and the first words out of her mouth were..."Wow! You look so thin! Great job!". What a fantastic way to start the day! I felt so good about myself, I even decided to put some lipstick on! HA! <BR> <BR> Of course, those little voices in my head try to sabotage my feeling of success. You know the ones...the cynical, unhappy thoughts. "Well, she probably saw you post something on Facebook about losing weight or something - so she said som... Wed, 9 Oct 2013 10:45:51 EST What? What? 40 Minutes! As a special surprise, my husband loaded some new workout videos to my collection. I usually stick with 30 minute or 20 minute workouts, since my time is limited in the mornings. Today, since my daughter is out of school, and my mornings have a little more wiggle room, I went for the 40 minute workout, which equals a 3 mile walk. <BR> <BR> I have to admit, I was a little nervous when I started it, wondering if I'd make it through. Once I got going, I never looked back! I made it throug... Tue, 8 Oct 2013 10:14:30 EST What? No super sizing me? We had a crazy weekend - filled with soccer, birthday parties, and a last minute trip to visit grandparents. Which meant a crazy weekend of going with the flow and not carefully planning my meals and snacks. I'm happy to say, not only did I survive without going completely off the radar, but I learned something about the new me - I don't like McDonald's anymore. <BR> <BR> Yup, I said. I don't like the food I used to crave! Me - the one that used to crave a Quarter Pounder with Cheese an... Mon, 7 Oct 2013 09:59:10 EST Fridays...oh how I LOVE Friday! This has been a weird week and I'm just looking forward to the weekend, and hoping for a little rest. <BR> <BR> My birthday was great! It was a nice day with family and friends, and just getting a little spoiled. I'm also happy to report that I exercised all 5 days this week! 3 morning workouts, and 2 walks at the soccer field. Last night, I finally had time to do 2 miles! <BR> <BR> On the flip side, we've had some struggles that are just adding stress to the week. I've committed... Fri, 4 Oct 2013 11:05:23 EST Happy Birthday to ME! I woke up today and the little voice inside my head said..."You don't have to workout this morning - it's your birthday"! But then my Spark voice took over and said..."Nope, you need to workout. You're having a lunch out with friends, your Mom made your FAVORITE cheesecake, and there's no telling what the hubby has planned for dinner". Yup, that's how I roll now! <BR> <BR> As a surprise this morning, when I went to turn on my workout, my husband had added 3 new workout videos for me! ... Wed, 2 Oct 2013 10:37:13 EST Hello Gorgeous! That's me in 10 years, looking in the mirror! HA! My action step for today is to visualize myself in 10 years and how I would encourage my current self. <BR> <BR> I actually think about this a lot. I like to visualize myself in my beautiful home, decorated just the way I like. The kids would be teenagers and into their own friends and activities, leaving a little more time for my husband and I to have time to do the things we enjoy. I'd be into my career, and making enough money to li... Tue, 1 Oct 2013 11:04:19 EST Forgive me Father...for I have sinned HA! That's how I feel after I've had a slump in my plan. I can't explain what happened this weekend, or last week! I just had a hard time controlling my urges and sticking to my proper ranges. I'm going to put some of the blame on hormones. The rest is just on me. <BR> <BR> Now, time to move on...and forward! I started the Fit Food challenge today. I've had to modify it a little to fit into our life and budget. I picked a few options for lunches and breakfasts from the meal plan th... Mon, 30 Sep 2013 13:27:58 EST Committing myself... Not to the insane asylum, which is probably where I belong, but to the Fit Food Challenge! My fitness is on track, it's my eating that I need to work on. SO, I'm committing to the 30 day Fit Food Challenge! I've asked my husband to do it with me, not only for his health, but to make things simpler with meals, etc. I even sent the link to a few girls around the office. <BR> <BR> On a completely separate note...regarding the trials and tribulations of staying sane while raising a toddle... Thu, 26 Sep 2013 10:48:22 EST It all started with a phone call... I had a plan in place. We needed a few things from the store and it was soccer practice. So, my plan - run to the store directly after work, pick up a sub at Subway, go to soccer practice, walk the track, go home.... No problem! But then the phone rang...My husband can't pick up Matthew from the sitter, he's stuck at work. OK, no problem! I'll just run to the store, get my sub, pick up Matthew, go to soccer practice, walk the track... Silly me! <BR> <BR> I go to the store and pick up t... Wed, 25 Sep 2013 11:04:46 EST A fun weekend...and now time to rein it in a little... Saturday started out a little slow with a rainy, yucky day and a missed soccer game, but Sunday made up for it with a full day at the State Fair! I know I overindulged a little, but semi-carefully. And now I have to rein it in a little for the rest of the week! <BR> <BR> As I said, Saturday was a little slow. It was a rainy morning, and no one seemed motivated to get moving. Then my husband went to check my daughter's soccer schedule to see which uniform she was supposed to wear, and r... Tue, 24 Sep 2013 10:40:42 EST Cake for Breakfast! Yup, you read that correctly, I just had cake for breakfast! We celebrated our CEO's birthday this morning, and since I hadn't had my breakfast yet, I had a piece of cake! <BR> <BR> Cake for breakfast? It has eggs, wheat, milk...all the important food groups! HA! Seriously though, I realize it's not a healthy breakfast. But in the past, I would have eaten my normal breakfast, had the cake for "Dessert", gone out for a fattening lunch with the girls, and then ordered take-out for dinne... Fri, 20 Sep 2013 11:45:16 EST