JENNIEONFIRE's SparkPeople Blog JENNIEONFIRE's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community 364.4 364.4. That number will forever haunt me as I stare down at the scale to reveal the truth. I have no recollection as to how I have allowed my body to become this mass. Almost like a black hole has been swarming around my body in order to hide the reality of what has become of me. I don’t remember giving my body the permission to be like this. I did not sign up for some gimmick of obesity. I think back and vaguely remember my pants getting tighter, my chocolate addiction winning and soda be... Sun, 11 Jan 2015 19:30:43 EST Help! Return me to my body! I cant believe that I am sitting here posting this…I have lost touch with myself, my lifestyle changes, my good eating and exercise habits and life in general. The last time I weighed in was 12/7 and today almost three months later I am now officially 21 lbs heavier. That scares me how easy it is to gain compared to lose. I am still down 19 lbs from my highest weight but I really need to focus again. I cant keep dwelling on how bad I messed up and focus more on how to fix this. My best f... Thu, 6 Mar 2014 10:42:22 EST 2014 in words to me, Please read everyone! Caution Caution, Before reading this blog be aware that all that continues to read will endure my sappy version of 2013, my epiphanies and what 2014 could potentially have in store for me¡K.. <BR> <BR> You are still reading, I think that means you want to hear what I have to say ƒº I am very happy for all of my spark friends and that¡¦s where I want to begin this journey of New Year¡¦s resolutions and seeing myself for the first time. It all begins with the fact that people are obsessed wit... Mon, 30 Dec 2013 20:35:03 EST What is wrong with me? Hello spark friends, <BR> <BR> I really felt like I needed to blog so here I am enjoying my lunch break with my puppy. I haven't logged on here in awhile and honestly I haven't been very good to myself either. I have been so caught up with finishing grad school, starting a second night job and doing social things that today I realize I haven't been taking care of myself. I feel slow and sluggish and I realize I haven't had a good workout in about two weeks. <BR> <BR> Here's my problem. I g... Mon, 16 Dec 2013 12:30:11 EST It is most defenitely not my weekend. Long story short I had another best friend be deleted from my life and a six page paper I was unaware of that's due tomorrow. <BR> <BR> This guy is the best friend I have ever had, we are so much alike and everything we do is the best. He has always been there for me, has always helped me out and given me good advice. Long story short he told me that our mutual friend was saying mean things about me behind my back. I dealt with it and kept my distance from this mutual friend. Eventually th... Sat, 19 Oct 2013 16:32:22 EST Saying goodbye and saying hello So today was a very hard day for me. I had to say goodbye and cut all ties with my "best" friend of 14 years. It was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do but it was needed in order for my own personal happiness. This friend is getting married in Feb and asked me to be maid of honor but then things turned sour. I was expected to pay for a engagement, bridal and bachelorette party and unfortunately im a grad student with a basic job so I had to tell her that I couldn't afford... Thu, 17 Oct 2013 22:33:05 EST Only look good online So I have been thinking about my weight loss and the ups and downs of it...I just feel good about where I am headed right now. I have been working out every single day for about two weeks now (with the exception of yesterday because I had a stomach bug). I feel like this is exactly what I needed to feel more confident again. <BR> <BR> I have been pretty serious about trying to find that special someone and I realized that Im not being truthful about my dating profiles. I only put close up pi... Wed, 16 Oct 2013 12:39:04 EST yikes So I just wanted to clarify that I weighed myself for the first time in awhile and was totally blown away by what I saw on the scale. It freaks me out that in the matter of two months I had managed to gain back 12 pounds. I have been wigging out all day and am not sure what to do with myself. Normally I would make some lame excuse about how it was ok (in my head) to gain weight or not keep track but now I ultimately feel pissed at myself for not being more responsible with my life. <BR> <... Wed, 25 Sep 2013 16:29:28 EST Winter is coming.. Many people have asked me about the reference to "Winter is coming" which stands true because it definitely is changing seasons. I have been completely self absorbed with Game of Thrones lately which beats my own actual reality. <BR> <BR> I have a secret, here is my problem...I am obsessed with the concept of being beautiful. Who cares about being healthy or happy or losing weight to be fit. I want to lose weight to be beautiful. I think this stems from me wanting and needing attention ... Sun, 22 Sep 2013 11:17:43 EST Tell me your secrets I have been doing really well with being motivated and making the right lifestyle changes's a process and it takes awhile..for once I want to give myself the credit I deserve for sticking with it even when it's hard <BR> <BR> Heres a quote I wrote up that I think pretty much sums up how I feel and how anyone should feel...listen to yourself, your body and be concerned with yourself because in the end you have to love yourself first. <BR> <BR> "Use every form of energy sent your ... Wed, 28 Aug 2013 22:45:27 EST Leaving it all behind So I was in the middle of a boring seminar class (I know I know I should of been paying attention) and words just started coming to me and I knew I had to go with it....I wanted to add more to it but for now this is what happened, which with my current state of mind goes perfectly with my life...enjoy :) <BR> <BR> Leaving it all behind, <BR> jumping ahead of the trail, <BR> fearing that old rewind <BR> facing the unveil <BR> <BR> you can only swallow pride <BR> by leaving it all behind <BR>... Mon, 22 Jul 2013 20:17:26 EST who is Jennieonfire? Who is Jennieonfire? <BR> That¡¦s a good question, I have been recently asking myself to call upon that answer. I haven¡¦t quite figured everything out but I like the direction I am headed in. I am a little bit of mystery, adventure and spontaneous laughter. I find myself most happy at enjoying the small simple things in life; walking/jogging with the puppy, going to cocktail parties, meeting new people, creating myself. This is what this journey is all about, creating yourself and findin... Tue, 28 May 2013 23:47:30 EST Enough is Enough. No more waiting. <BR> No more excuses. <BR> No more starting and stopping. <BR> No more half arsing everything. <BR> No more feeling sorry for yourself. <BR> No more feeling sad. <BR> No more using your weight as an excuse to not try new things. <BR> <BR> It's time to get up and live. <BR> <BR> <BR> I haven't wanted to do anything lately. Absolutely nothing. I really miss having friends that gave a crap about me, but they are all so busy in their daily mundane routine. I don't blame th... Wed, 3 Apr 2013 18:36:03 EST The sunlight hurts my eyes. I feel like I have become Taylor Swift. I wrote a poem and it has everything and anything to do with a guy that recently broke my pretty, beating heart. I can't escape the feeling that this could of been it. THis could of been the big deal, a glimpse of what true love is. The way he held my hand, kissed my forehead and made sure to tell me I am beautiful....than disappeared...unannounced...I couldn't explain to anyone how or why I was feeling because we were a new couple that "fell" so fas... Fri, 29 Mar 2013 23:55:17 EST "I am folded and unfolded and unfolding" Here I am writing in this very small box trying to think outside of the box! I wanted to sit down and write a sincere apology to all my BLC cougar teammates, I have been a terrible teammate and totally have been on the go for the past two weeks. Now that I think of it, my new transformation is really quite remarkable. I feel so happy, fulfilled and motivated (I sound like a person with serious bipolar disorder if you read my blogs). I am starting to finally bloom into myself, become who I ... Sun, 10 Mar 2013 15:14:19 EST Skip a beat to Saratoga I can't <img src=""> <img src=""> <img src=""> <img src=""> <img src=""> <img src=""> <img src=""> <img src="http://ph... Tue, 5 Mar 2013 21:36:00 EST Lying inside our quiet drama I don¡¦t know about anyone else but I often find myself starting to fall off the cracks per say and, having to pick myself back up and refocus and re-motivate myself. I am currently in one of those funks, I don¡¦t know why, couldn¡¦t tell you why and currently can¡¦t figure out how to get out of it. I have been eating decent, working out but, not working out to my full capacity. I think I realized there was other issues that I need to face before taking a full heads on diet and exercise ap... Sun, 24 Feb 2013 23:15:38 EST "Won't stop to surrender" Day 4 of BLC positive trait challenge! <BR> <BR> This was finally starting to get harder for me today to think of something positive about myself that I haven't mentioned in the passed three days....I guess for today I would have to pick that I am determined to not give up on myself so easily. I have always started and stopped and started all over again but this time has definetly been different for me...I have started, had some slip ups but have continued on, confidently and strong! I kno... Mon, 18 Feb 2013 21:04:25 EST Keep your head up! Ok so here is day 3 of my BLC weekend challenge of finding and writing something positive about yourself... <BR> <BR> I think confidence is one of the most important traits/characteristics a person can have...confidence is sexy, there is no getting around that factor. I find myself becoming/being a very confident person and it really reflects how I live my life (see previous two blogs). I love being able to dress up, look nice and hang out with friends or go out and do nice things....I lov... Sun, 17 Feb 2013 23:45:54 EST Happiness hit her like a train on a track :) Ok so today would be day 2 of posting something positive about myself for my Biggest Loser Challenge <BR> <BR> Today I would love to commend myself for always being open minded and spontaneous...I think so many people that have narrow views on life and set ways never really experience how great things in life can be. My friends definitely realize and come to me because of my open minded views and I honestly can say that I love my life because of it..I am a great listener and like to think ... Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:20:43 EST Reach for the stars! OK so for my BLC challenge I have to write one blog per day this weekend about something positive about myself (I am about an hour late for Friday but I am doing it anyways) <BR> <BR> <BR> Here's mine...Today I have become so proud of who I am and where I have gone in life...No one said any sort of weight loss journey would be easy (I wish it was) but I am proud of how far I have come and my determination to not give up...even with minor slip ups. I really have grown into a woman that I am... Sat, 16 Feb 2013 00:50:23 EST What the Water Gave Me I figured it was time to write and express how I have been feeling lately. I need this, it¡¦s almost a relief to sit here and write about where I have been, what I am thinking and what¡¦s going on. During this journey one of things that I have tried to change about myself is dwelling on the negatives of everyday life. I find myself keeping myself motivated and staying positive because if I don¡¦t love myself first how can anyone else be loved/love me? I have come out of a long relationshi... Tue, 12 Feb 2013 21:07:03 EST How to win a date with Jennieonfire Ok so I found myself to be on that path of “dating” again after about five years of not trying and being in a one-sided relationship. My friends mostly decided for me that I need to start dating and I really have not put much thought into it because I have been really happy with doing my own thing and really trying to improve my health in 2013. I haven’t thought much about dating and I can tell you that the reason I think I avoided it so much was because of my constant fear of rejection. I... Mon, 28 Jan 2013 00:43:06 EST Closing my eyes I can't honestly tell you how or why things come to me in my head but they do and I love playing with words..Sometimes what I write has nothing to do with what is going on with my life and sometimes it is spot on...This time I am not telling anyone which it will be but I will let the words speak for themselves ....I have also been in a funk and really am excited to be back on some sort of "normal" working out... <BR> <BR> <BR> Be kind :) <BR> <BR> <BR> "Between the closed eyelids <BR> The... Tue, 15 Jan 2013 17:00:52 EST Betrayal I feel like all of my blogs are super whiny and annoying but I also realize that this is what it is all about. Figuring out what makes you motivated, drives you and change what the problem is so that, you can learn to let go and change your body for the better. I would like to back track and say that I have been so good pre-Christmas week. I worked out for an hour plus a day, ate well and generally was super happy with the results I was seeing. Then Christmas came and I ate decently but I... Sun, 30 Dec 2012 10:35:24 EST Mr Ol' Habit. It's been about three weeks of me actually trying to move and workout and be healthy while on Spark People and I really just wanted to reflect on what it feels like. I have been on here for probably about a year now and have been so motivated by all the people that are on here and all the amazing success stories that they have. I found myself thinking that it was too hard or almost like I wasn't worth it. I decided to nix that out the window and really start doing it. I have been working ... Thu, 13 Dec 2012 14:03:15 EST For the love of words. I would like to say that I used to be an avid writer and poet but have been completely out of touch of writing my own written word. I got home from work and sat down to look over my spark (I am almost obsessive of viewing my friend feed to see all the happy news about my spark friends). As I was sitting here something little popped in my head and I figured I would share. <BR> <BR> I am not really sure where this came from and why nothing more came of it (like it usually does) but consideri... Wed, 5 Dec 2012 17:22:47 EST Just close your eyes I couldn’t decide how I wanted to start this blog or how it really would turn out. I feel like the past four days have been nothing but a blessing for me. I have been having a really hard work week and home life which constantly makes me want to shut down and lay on the couch or sleep. Instead of giving up, I still went to the gym every day this week and I feel so much happier, stronger, better and more motivated all in four short days..Is that possible? I really hope I don’t mess this up ... Thu, 29 Nov 2012 22:30:06 EST Tuesday! I just felt like blogging on my lunch break! It's getting close to final project time for my grad school and of course my computer breaks and is sitting at a computer repair place for right now. I am going crazy without a computer (hence me stealing my brothers while he is at work and i am on lunch break) I love this site but I wish they were mobile app friendly-That would be awesome! I am super excited to push myself tonight -I have been jogging-attempting to run and just quit but tonight I ... Tue, 20 Nov 2012 13:07:43 EST Getting There. I guess as anyone that diets or works out can conclude it really isn't the physical aspect of losing weight that is hard to do-it's the mental block that you have to overcome in order to allow yourself to progress instead of regression (skipping workouts, endulging in food and then feeling guilty afterwards). I have been really good at getting started and being motivated for like a week and then I somehow screw it all up. I realized today that my bigger problem was not that I don't want mys... Sat, 17 Nov 2012 15:21:49 EST Week 3-WUB Well I have stayed very motivated still with the BLC #15 but I find myself not putting in the effort I need to.....One of my set backs is weekend eating-it's not an excuse but I only see my friends on weekends and I have to figure out how to not eat places with them because that is really what is separating me from continuing to lose weight...We always go somewhere to eat and I try to get a salad but even then I know it's not as healthy as home food. I don't know why but I almost feel stupi... Sun, 15 Jul 2012 09:31:10 EST I like to move it move it!-BLC #15 After joining the BLC #15, I am motivated to get myself back on the right track. I am really excited to hear from other people that are working towards the same goals and are also about the same age. The fact that everyone is so close in age really makes it easier to be motivated and well it makes me feel almost competitive too… GO DUNE RIDERS! Last time during BLC #14, I had fallen off the tracks and got disqualified when my Master’s courses started because I was so consumed with getting s... Thu, 5 Jul 2012 16:39:34 EST Holy Randomness Batman! I realized that I needed to sit down and get some of my emotions/success/awesomeness jotted down for my own personal well being. The thing that I have concluded I love the most about Spark is that there are so many people out there that has been where you are, knows what you are going through and there are so many success stories. I have some friends on here that I log on to view their food blogs, their successful 5k runs and their status update from spark about how much weight they have l... Tue, 15 May 2012 22:10:40 EST BL Challenge-A letter to my future self. To my future self, <BR> <BR> I have been meaning to sit down and write you a letter about how proud I am of you. You are on a journey that will lead you to only beautiful things. It has taken a lot of courage, heart and soul to change what you used to know and feel about yourself and really transform into a person who beams with life. There has been moments when I doubted your ability to push farther, reach higher and shield off that negativity surrounding your life-but guess what you did ... Thu, 26 Apr 2012 11:31:31 EST On a better note!! Well I had this whole blog typed out in the box and then accidently hit back and it deleted the whole thing, so I started over in Word.. Here we go round 2! I have finally beaten the negative “monster” out of my body and my home. I have become so upset with how I fail at “dieting” and gain two pounds here lose two pounds there then gain it all back again. I finally feel like I am ready to take on the world now that I have become happy with myself the way I am currently (that is the ultimate... Mon, 5 Mar 2012 14:38:41 EST Regression Well it happened...I am having a really hard time keeping myself on track and then staying on track..It just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore-I have so much weight to lose that it doesn't even seem achievable. It's so hard to be social with friends without food being the center of attention and I hate feelling like i have to explain that I am "dieting" or "trying to be healthy" when all I really want is to eat a nice juicy burger without feeling terrible later..Of course that is too much t... Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:02:13 EST Realization I have used Weight Watchers before where you track your food but with WW I never really caught onto the idea of how much you eat relates to how easy it is to gain or lose weight. It sounds really silly but I felt like I wasn't eating that much food but the food I was eating was a lot of calories which in the end has made it hard for me to lose any weight..Maybe this will make it easier if I track my food and coordinate it with my daily workouts Tue, 3 Jan 2012 12:52:28 EST The New Year I think it is funny that every year people continue to make New Year's Eve resolutions and then the next day when they are faced with change more than 75% of people fail. It is really hard to become motivated when you know that you have failed and turning it around after failing is also a challenge. That is why this year I set a pretty vague resolution of "becoming healthier" so that way I have many options of how I can become healthier...I can work out an extra time at the gym a week, drin... Mon, 2 Jan 2012 11:22:58 EST