JENNGLENN527's SparkPeople Blog JENNGLENN527's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community walkin' on sunshine I went walking today and it felt fabulous. I found out I gained weight, which I suspected, but I'm not even stressing over that. The weather was great!! Crisp, here comes winter air, but the sun played peek a boo often. I was so proud of the fact that I accomplished all the plans I made last night, most of which involved being out of the house. I even managed to throw in an extra trip, which resulted in me finding a throwback gift for my oldest daughter, who I shall be visiting soon, along wi... Thu, 4 Dec 2014 17:19:05 EST sleep I slept in again. I don't know if I'm recovering from playing grandmama or what. I really want to change things around and get back on a schedule but it has honestly been very difficult for me to do. I am filled with all these good intentions but I can't seem to put them into practice. It's very cold in Erie, much too cold to go walking, and there really is no space in my apartment for exercising. I have 3 rooms, one of which is closed off to keep heat in the main room. My housemate is not in... Tue, 2 Dec 2014 15:46:48 EST keep on truckin As a result of staying up late to watch a programme, I slept rather late. Past noon in fact. I jumped up, rinsed my hair, washed my face and proceeded to greet the day. I braided my hair, no small feat lol, and even ate turkey sausage. Haven't gotten any exercise in but the day is not done yet. I just feel happy that I'm not sleeping the entire day away, so I'm good. Sat, 29 Nov 2014 16:48:29 EST baby girl, you're big!!!! Yesterday I looked at myself and finally saw what I had been trying not to. I have gotten big. There is no getting around it, I'm big. I would say it crept up on me, but I knew it was coming. I just tried real hard not to see it. So I guess there is no more game playing. I ate a taste of 3 things for lunch. I'm trying to drink more water, but I did just drink some lemonade, and I ate half a cheese stick for a snack. On the brighter side, I made myself get up and get moving. I cleaned out my ... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 19:41:12 EST starting over well, i am on my way back to the old homestead. first i will be going to celebrate my daughter's birthday, then i will return for thanksgiving. when i go home for thanksgiving i will be staying for quite some time. no more jaunts to buffalo. i will definitely miss my grandchildren, but i think the time has come for me to resume treating myself as good as i have been treating others. i used to be a very different person, more social and outgoing. i love playing grandmama, but i miss being the... Tue, 4 Nov 2014 18:59:18 EST i just don't know i am not sure why i seem to be having no success in this weight loss endeavour. i am trying my best to eat right. sure i slip up every now and again but who doesn't. i seem to be so busy playing grandmama that i have no time to do anything for myself except sleep when i can. i am trying to be the best person i can be and trying to make my family happy but i think i am suffering as a result. i love being around my grandchildren and watching them grow but i miss the life i had. i miss the few ... Mon, 3 Nov 2014 12:11:41 EST one day at a time after much thought, i have decided to change my approach to this whole weight loss thing. first off, i am going to focus more on healthy eating and less on weight loss. next, i will try to get as much exercise as i can, without promising myself that i will do a certain number of things in a certain amount of time. i believe that if i do both of those, weight loss will occur. besides, if i place time limits on exercising and don't complete them, i will just become frustrated and feel bad about... Wed, 15 Oct 2014 11:47:53 EST love what is there and do not compare i think one of my biggest problems in this weight loss game are the unfair comparisons i make between myself and other people. it's not just regular folk i compare my body to, oh n,o i aim much higher, and so much more unrealistically. a-list actresses, reality t.v stars, and pop singers, why do i do this to myself, you ask, after all i am a 51 year old grandmother to 6, who should know better. i think my inner teenage self, who by the way was anorexic and bulimic, is struggling to resurface.... Tue, 14 Oct 2014 14:15:19 EST pirate booty pirate booty. 4 small bags. in the middle of the night. enough said. today i am trying to move past endless snacking and see where i went wrong. i almost didn't note that i ate it but it's time to own up to what i do wrong. if i see it, i can correct it. i've also learned that it is not a good idea to have cheese and ranch dressing on my salad at the same time. dressing i can do without. even though i made a mistake last night i refuse to beat myself up about it. instead i'm going to dance li... Fri, 3 Oct 2014 17:00:08 EST time for me I love my daughter's. Immensely. That is why I semi moved to Buffalo to help care for my grandchildren while my eldest has the internship of her dreams and tries to finish school. It's why I walked all over Erie to find red hair and stood on my feet for 10 hours braiding my youngest daughter's hair even though I was dog tired. Lately I am starting to feel as though life is passing ME by while I am being super mom and grandma's. I am starting to miss me time. Does that make me a bad mom? Does ... Tue, 30 Sep 2014 17:57:30 EST hurray for me!! I finally did it!! Inhale, this awesome yoga show that used to come on Oxygen, is now on YouTube!! Instead of laying back down with my grandsons after a long and sleep deprived night, I did it! I almost made it to the end when I heard Hisham, who was clearly ready to rise. On top of that, there was no snacking during the night, which is something I've been fighting hard not to do. I even did my daily 64 sit-ups, which I have been doing for two weeks now. I feel so good about myself today. I h... Fri, 19 Sep 2014 11:23:11 EST a new beginning Today is the first day of Ramadan and I am feeling blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I have been obsessing over things that aren't worth obsessing over. I am alive, I have 2 wonderful daughters and 6 awesome grandchildren, all of whom love me unconditionally. They don't care how much I weigh or how many carbs I eat. They just love me. This precious gift is one I should treasure with all that I am, and I do. This is the perfect time for me to get my priorities in order, as th... Sun, 29 Jun 2014 16:31:33 EST contentment my day is going fantastic. i woke up this morning to see hisham, my 1 year old grandson sitting in his father's arms. i asked him if he wanted to come to grandmama, and lo and behold, he came, in that moment , i knew true happiness. i didn't think about how much weight i needed to lose, how many situps i had done, or how dissatisfied i was with my appearance. all i could think of was that this is the stuff dreams are made of. in that moment i realized that i really needed to practice liv... Tue, 17 Jun 2014 11:28:09 EST loving me i have been concentrating so hard on losing weight that i forgot something vital to success. somewhere along the way i forgot to love myself. i don't know when or why this happened. i think i began worrying so much about pleasing my children and family that i forgot about me. i have always been somewhat of a people pleaser, sometimes to my own detriment. getting myself in shape and embracing a healthier lifestyle is the first thing i've done solely for myself in a long time. maybe i fee... Mon, 16 Jun 2014 17:28:15 EST A different approach I just realized I have been approaching my situation in the wrong manner. When I first began sparkpeople my main focus was on eating healthier and pursuing a healthier lifestyle. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of that and my focus became the numbers on the scale. I found out that those numbers only measure the effects of gravity on my body. They don't say anything about how i drink more water than I used to or that I am more conscious of what I put into my body. I need to learn to... Fri, 13 Jun 2014 13:01:39 EST starting over sunday i am headed back to my daughter kelly's house to help out with my grandchildren. i must confess, i miss them so much. i also miss alana, my health coach and personal trainer. she motivates me so well. i do so much better with my health goals there than i do at home. it helps that i spend all day running after a one year old and a three year old. that is exercise, and plenty of it. i'm looking forward to my trip and to the fresh start it will give me. wish me luck Sat, 7 Jun 2014 17:56:40 EST the wrong approach after much soul searching, i have discovered that i am approaching this weight loss business all wrong. i am putting so much emphasis on losing weight, and beating myself up when i don't, that i have forgotten what's important. i have come such a long way since i have started. i am much more knowledgeable about what i put into my body, and i am eating a lot healthier. i don't know why i am not congratulating myself for the things i do well. even though i do slip up and sometimes spend da... Thu, 5 Jun 2014 17:47:19 EST a birthday lost my birthday just passed 3 days ago and i was so upset about not losing the weight i wanted to that i didn't even enjoy it. all i do anymore is sleep. i leave my house only when i have to. this is not good. in my heart i want to do so much more, but i feel so alone that i just don't. what is wrong with me. i miss the person i used to be, the person i was trying to become, but i don't know how to get her back. i have a long way to go. Fri, 30 May 2014 13:51:01 EST trying to maintain well i only lost one pound according to my doctor. that makes a total of four. i had hoped to lose at least 20 by my birthday but it doesn't look like that will happen. i keep trying to tell myself that it's not the numbers that matter, but how i look and feel, but years of scale watching have almost brainwashed me. i am so enjoying this journey to healthy living and i am trying really hard not to give up, but it is very hard. i know i am doing right, every now and again i slip up, but h... Thu, 22 May 2014 15:17:53 EST big girl shoes my daughter princess kelly is always telling me that sometimes you just have to put on your big girl shoes and just do it. well today i embraced that maxim. i wanted to spend another day in bed just doing nothing but that really gets tiring after a while. at least for me it does. so i put on my big girl shoes and washed a mountain of dishes, moved a couch, and sorted through another mountain, this time of mail. i have to admit it is a pretty good feeling getting something done. Sun, 18 May 2014 14:56:36 EST big girl shoes my daughter princess kelly is always telling me that sometimes you just have to put on your big girl shoes and just do it. well today i embraced that maxim. i wanted to spend another day in bed just doing nothing but that really gets tiring after a while. at least for me it does. so i put on my big girl shoes and washed a mountain of dishes, moved a couch, and sorted through another mountain, this time of mail. i have to admit it is a pretty good feeling getting something done. Sun, 18 May 2014 14:56:30 EST take that scale today i put on a dress that two weeks ago i could barely breath in and it fit. just when i was feeling that i was doing all this for nothing i get a sweet surprise. i am always so hung up on what the scale says but now i have proof positive that it is not the numbers that count but how my clothes fit and how i look and feel. right now i feel pretty darn good. Wed, 14 May 2014 18:25:53 EST happy mother's day today is the best day ever. my eldest surprised me by having her younger sister come up for the day. i am so happy. she also gave me a bag full of bath treats, a new hijab, a healing stone, and the latest food network magazine. i couldn't be happier. i hope all the spark moms have a day as wonderful as i am having. Sun, 11 May 2014 13:31:03 EST acceptance i wish i could learn to accept myself the way i am. although i am working hard to better myself acceptance is an uphill battle. i don't understand why i can't understand and process the fact that it took a while to get out of shape so it will take almost as long to get back in shape. every time i see the roll around my middle i just want to cry. then i start to feel i will never be successful in my journey. self confidence is a precious thing. i wish i had more. Thu, 8 May 2014 19:26:20 EST bathtime it is amazing what a hot bath can do for your morale. i gave myself some pampering and some me time. i think a big part of my problem is that i am so busy taking care of everyone else that i forget to take care of me. i used to be so good about that. i don't even remember when i stopped. all i know i that i am going to start again, and soon. Tue, 6 May 2014 17:04:15 EST alana i love my granddaughter alana so much. she really is like a best friend to me. she is always there for me when i am feeling down and she is the voice of encouragement in my quest for good health. i don't know what i would do without her. i feel so much better about life in general when i am around her. she makes me feel so young and carefree, like i can accomplish anything i set my mind to. i am so lucky to have her in my life and i love her with all my heart. Sun, 4 May 2014 15:56:21 EST speaking up i saw an interesting note on my granddaughter's Tumblr page. it said i wish i was better at telling people how i feel. i think that is a big part of my problem. i am so busy trying to please everyone else that i neglect to speak up about what i want or need. then i get upset with myself and get depressed and usually overeat. that's no fun. i really do need to work on using my big girl voice. Sat, 3 May 2014 16:56:16 EST on the mend i am trying to be positive about my cancelled meeting. i won't look at it as a bad thing but a help to me. i mean, you can never be too prepared. i did my situps today, all 80. i am proud of me for that. soon i will be back with my grandchildren, that always cheers me up. hopefully, that will provide the motivating force i seem to be lacking. i think i am off too a good start. Thu, 1 May 2014 20:24:19 EST waiting i was all prepped for a meeting i had, anxious to get it over with, and it was cancelled. all of this waiting is not good for a person with anxiety, smile. i am still trying to make the best of things and look at derailments in a positive light. now i shall have more time to prepare. i think that is a good thing, isn't it. Wed, 30 Apr 2014 14:10:35 EST down but not out i missed doing sparkpeople activities because my computer had a virus and i couldn't log in. all my streaks were lost and i am so bummed, but i will look at it as a chance to do better than the last time. at least i fixed myself a meal instead of eating out of a bag or not eating at all. maybe i will even fix myself dinner, who knows. wish me luck. Tue, 29 Apr 2014 16:59:02 EST feeling better today is a new day and i am feeling a little better. i am more confident about things i have to do and i even did 80 situps before checking in today. that may seem like a small thing, but after these past few days, for me it is very major. i guess i am starting to realize that things will only be as bad as you allow them to be. Sat, 26 Apr 2014 13:13:24 EST on the mend i am feeling much better now. having a positive attitude helps. i refuse to let depression win. as far as what's stressing me the most, this court case, i will just tell my side and be done, it's all i can do. plus i got some good rest, which always helps. Fri, 25 Apr 2014 23:49:32 EST tired of swimming upstream i have decided that i am going to feel better, and so it is that i do. it is no fun laying around feeling depressed and sad all the time. on top of that it is counterproductive. besides i have gotten so much support and encouragement from my fellow members that i feel how could i not want to feel better. i want to celebrate success, and i want all my spark friends to celebrate with me. that is a lot more fun. thank you to any and all who sent good wishes and warm thoughts my way. they ... Thu, 24 Apr 2014 21:35:40 EST a missed opportunity i slept so long today i missed a chance to see my baby girl. the good news is i will have another chance soon as i have to remain here for a few days. i was just so exhausted mentally. i feel bad about not seeing her. i also seem to have lost my appetite as well. nothing tastes as it should. i need to get it together, i just am not sure how. Wed, 23 Apr 2014 19:37:09 EST trying times well i am home but i have not seen my baby. on top of that a court case i am involved in is really causing me stress and anxiety. everyone tells me i have the truth on my side but i am fragile now and a severe cross examination might just do me in. i think this is the reason i am so down. i try to think positive but deep down i am afraid because i know that what is good and right does not always win. Tue, 22 Apr 2014 19:08:29 EST home again well i am on my way home and i am in much better spirits. i hope i get to spend time with my baby girl. i also hope i get to truly relax. Mon, 21 Apr 2014 17:27:24 EST easter birthday today is my grand daughter nikki's birthday and she is turning 11. the family went to the in-laws for the day but i remained at home. i just did not feel like celebrating . i did do 80 situps though. maybe i will feel better after my trip home if i get to see my baby girl. Sun, 20 Apr 2014 19:28:59 EST sleeping in well i have had a two day nap and i feel no better than when it began. i am not sure why the blues are hanging on so tight, i an usually spring back, but this time it is harder. well, at least i don't want to miss my main sparks activities, so maybe there is hope for me yet. Sat, 19 Apr 2014 19:07:43 EST how to get back on track i am having a REALLY hard time getting back on track. i can't seem to stop thinking about the fact that my baby girl has moved out and moved on, and this has created a wave of depression that seem to be hard to get away from. the enthusiasm that i felt for, well almost everything seems to be gone, and i do the tasks that i promised i would do just because i promised. how can i get the feeling back, and when will i stop missing my baby. Thu, 17 Apr 2014 14:53:01 EST reaching out even though i am sad about my baby i am reaching out to those i think can help me get back on track. i talked to my mum who is my healthy lifestyle buddy, and we made plans to get together when i am back home. we are going to walk and make healthy food together. i just don't know what i am going to do in the meantime. Wed, 16 Apr 2014 20:12:41 EST back to the grind well i am back in buffalo, still VERY sad i didn't get to see my baby girl. she has her own life, work, a new apartment, and friends, i miss when it was just the two of us Tue, 15 Apr 2014 14:45:41 EST i missed buddha i was home for 3 days and did not get to see my baby girl. it was not a good trip. i can't believe how bad and all alone i feel now. is it always going to feel this bad Mon, 14 Apr 2014 22:36:21 EST home i am home and all i am doing is resting. i have not seen my baby girl and that makes me very sad. i guess she has her own life now, which is as it should be. i just didn't think it would make me feel so bad. Sun, 13 Apr 2014 14:17:32 EST homeward bound i am on my way home. hopefully i will get some much needed rest. perhaps i will find some of the spark that seems to be missing. i miss having that get up and go energy. i want it back. Sat, 12 Apr 2014 11:58:27 EST tired i don't know what is wrong. i can't seem to get back in the groove. i am going home for a couple dayd to rest, maybe that will help. well i just did my 80 crunches with my personal trainer, the fgg, my grand daughter alana. i guess that's a good thing. alana motivates me, plus i'm paying her so i don't want to waste the money lol. i hope this slump is over fast. someone suggested writing down what i, not everyone else in my life, want. for the life of me, i couldn't think of what i wa... Fri, 11 Apr 2014 22:17:45 EST slowly but surely i am working really hard to keep my spark going. i think being sick worked against me. i also seem to be feeling my age. i refuse to let gloom and doom, or age lol stop me. i can do this. it's a good thing and i deserve good, don't i. Thu, 10 Apr 2014 17:04:32 EST recovering, or trying to well i have done situps, climbed stairs, and eaten healthy food, but i still feel bad. those few days of mishaps really knocked my self-confidence for a loop. i can not figure out why, if i know the end result, do i keep slipping up. now i also have to contend with my friends, anxiety and depression, wish me luck friends. Wed, 9 Apr 2014 23:37:09 EST on the road again i am on my way back to kelly and the khatib household. i do miss all the kids, just not all the work, lol. it seems as though i just got home. this was not a very productive trip. maybe the next one will yield better results. Tue, 8 Apr 2014 11:44:07 EST struggling today was my doctors appointment. i thought i would get weighed and be able to check my progress. MY DOCTOR CALLED OFF. this is the second appointment of mine that got cancelled. i'm beginning to feel some type of way. if i didn't know better i would think people are out to get me. as if i didn't have enough to think about with taylor leaving me. i really just want to know if i lost any weight, but i guess that is not what's really important. Mon, 7 Apr 2014 10:24:28 EST and found i know why i am so depressed. i am devastated by the fact that my baby is moving out. also i have been here four days and have seen her exactly twice. i know it is a natural progression, that your kids move on, but i am still sad. on top of that i spent all last night and most of today over a toilet. but i just made myself do 64 crunches, smile. i am trying to come back to my old self but so much is going on. i need some help. Sun, 6 Apr 2014 19:30:35 EST