ISAVEDME80's SparkPeople Blog ISAVEDME80's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community 5 months late i think? Well as many of you know my uncle killed himself last yr and my grandma lives with me and it hit her VERY hard to lose another child esp since it had been only 3 yrs since my mom died and grandma has been very depressed since mom died and my uncle killing himself made things worse for not knowing how to help her. things are better now but it hit hard because i had to deal with my own feelings of it and hers since i take care of her and be able to be a comfort to her and find hope. <BR> <BR>... Fri, 9 May 2014 16:11:47 EST Feeling empty Well things haven't been good here as you can tell from my past posts this last year has been very hard on our family. <BR> my uncles killing himself opened my eyes to a lot of stuff and a lot of anger toward the way he did things to lead to that way out. and lot sadness also because this is the first year since mom passed away that my dad actually has a girlfriend who is living with him. its really really hard for me seeing my dad with someone else. especially since the girl is 34 and im ... Mon, 23 Dec 2013 19:57:14 EST Got The Money Today....Yay I got the money today. took 5 grand off my home equity loan. I didn't really wanna do it this way....but my brother and my nephews safety is more important to me than anything i need in this entire world. and my brothers eyes seem to be open to this divorce needing to happen. please keep praying that he has the strength to see this thru. <BR> <BR> I am taking the check to him tomorrow after work and he says he is talking to a lawyer friday, please please pray that he sticks to this. he and h... Wed, 2 Oct 2013 22:46:15 EST Thank You And An Answered Prayer Thank you to everyone who message me about my uncle, and even more thanks to the lady who is sending grandma a prayer shawl, your all angels. it means a lot that you took the time to pray and send my grandma a token of love. she needs it very much right now. <BR> losing a 2nd child is hard for her, esp since he took his own life, but im taking care of her. she is not alone. <BR> --------- <BR> My bother that i had ask ya all to pray for two journals back told me today he is going to divorce h... Tue, 1 Oct 2013 22:13:13 EST My Uncle Killed Himself Today My moms brother killed himself Today(thursday) <BR> the one that had cancer and I guess he couldn't handle the pain anymore. <BR> IDK. <BR> I'm very angry right now. <BR> And very stressed. <BR> And my grandma lost another child. I don't know how to comfort her. IDK what to do. <BR> <BR> I'm just so angry at how selfish he was. <BR> I wanna cry because I'm just so angry that I'm stuck comforting my grandma because she lost another child. this one because he was so selfish :( <BR> It h... Fri, 27 Sep 2013 01:49:45 EST Please Pray for my brother Please Pray for my brother and his two boys they are going thru a rough time with some things and <BR> also please pray for his wife. she is the cause of the rough time.... <BR> pray that she grows up and gets the help she needs before her immaturity and mental problems. <BR> <BR> she is bi poloar and refusing to take her meds. you just cant do that. not when you have 3 kids around you. its not safe for the adults around let alone the poor innocent kids :( <BR> Tue, 24 Sep 2013 12:01:08 EST Men And Meatloaf boring day mostly <BR> but i did make a nice meatloaf for dinner used a huge purple onion in it. <BR> <BR> other than that my boyfriend and I kinda got into a little bicker over something reallly stupid. <BR> he is 23 and im 33 and so i guess its to be expected that he cant always be mature. <BR> i like him anyways. most days lol <BR> <BR> Wed, 18 Sep 2013 01:27:25 EST Finding My Friend Again Rain supposed to be coming for like all week, <BR> I'm glad. <BR> Got some reading done today. cleared my mind a lot. <BR> <BR> I had orange juice and i know once i get back to eating healthy again I will feel better, for my fibromyalgia and for my health. luckily i have only gained back a few of the 40 id lost but a few lbs is a lot to someone like me who tries so hard to battle with food. <BR> <BR> growing up i always got rewarded by a food after my dad would hit me or do something wors... Mon, 16 Sep 2013 17:32:22 EST Broken Mirrors And Broken Dreams So last night we got a call from dad saying that his brother (the one with the cancer) was hospitalized and put into the ICU. <BR> <BR> So my brothers wife convinced me and my brother that we should be the bigger people and go be there for our dad because his brother is dying.... <BR> So we show up and they are releasing my uncle because his cancer has spread and he is refusing treatment and instead of staying with his brother and us after we drove half an hour to be there to support him...... Sat, 14 Sep 2013 10:40:38 EST Floored Eh,.. <BR> In other news I had court the for the bathroom floor again. won the case AGAIN. and the guy is ordered to pay it back but this time it says he only has to pay back half of what I paid him to fix my floor. Now have to see what is going on with that because I'm not going to agree to settle for only getting half my money back after he did wrong. id rather go to court again and fight it again because he is dirty and did wrong...I've won the case twice now so they should just make the ... Fri, 13 Sep 2013 17:51:34 EST God Saves Me Yet Again Welp my dad give me my moms promise ring for my birthday monday. He got it for her when she was 15. they got married when she was 16 and had me when she was 17. , they were married 31 yrs. She woulda turned 50 this yr <BR> She passed away 2.5 yrs ago today so having this material item of hers means more to me than anything in this world that I own. <BR> Including my home. <BR> <BR> I know God doesn't like me being materialistic and holding value in material items but this was my moms and I'... Tue, 10 Sep 2013 04:16:20 EST 34 Things To Do I turned 33 today and I figured since I'm here I'll start this year by making a list off 34 things I want to do before I'm 34. <BR> <BR> 0.Do not be so hard on myself. I have random bouts of depression because of my fibromyalgia. I am not weak. I take care of myself AND my grandma. I am strong even when I feel weak. <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. make a new friend( or 50) <BR> 2. pray more <BR> 3. do daily RAOK. random acts of kindness. AKA leaving a note for a stranger telling them how amazing they a... Mon, 9 Sep 2013 09:59:26 EST UnHappy Birthday To Me Tomorrow I will be 33. <BR> Starting Tuesday I'm cutting out all pop again and bad foods and going back to my fibromyalgia. you would think since i had it since i was 20 i would learn but when your stressed out and everyone's sick or dying its really hard not to turn to a box of chicken nuggets. <BR> <BR> It's really hard not to turn to a box of chicken nuggets on a day like today when my heart is aching and im feeling really low and sad because everyone in my family got invited to my cous... Sun, 8 Sep 2013 14:28:18 EST Lazy Day So I went to bed at 7pm last night. <BR> I woke up feeling good. I think that is the first time in my entire life i went to bed that early when I was not ill. <BR> It felt so amazing. <BR> And I have had the whole afternoon to myself. <BR> I have done nothing. and it feels incredible. <BR> <BR> Thank God for the wonderful day he gave to me, and everyday in the past and those to come. <BR> <BR> Tue, 3 Sep 2013 17:46:39 EST I'm Back Welp in 7 days I will be 33... <BR> <BR> I have had a LOT of stress lately and hadn't made the time to get online and blog which is bad because it was a help at my stress. <BR> <BR> I'll do my best to try to log into here daily and write. I need the relief. <BR> <BR> my biggest stresses are both my uncles moms bro and dads bro both have terminal cancer. <BR> dads bro has it in his lungs and his bones and im not sure what moms bro is but he is in stage 4. <BR> so neither are expected much ... Mon, 2 Sep 2013 15:42:15 EST Lost In Oklahoma Friday.. <BR> drove 5 hours away last night to visit my dads gf for an hour...then we left at 5pm..... <BR> the gps messed up and somehow we end up in Oklahoma....3 hours outta the way... <BR> and of course i get blamed for it...whatever... <BR> <BR> so 8 hour drive home....5 hour drive there... we didn't get home until almost 4am. <BR> <BR> im tired . irritated.... and feeling like slapping someone in the face right now. more sleep will help i hope :( <BR> <BR> In other news my brother g... Sat, 27 Jul 2013 18:07:28 EST Toto There's No Place Like Home Lemme tell ya all about this weekend. We left home (KS) Friday afternoon and drove the 3 hours to Oklahoma where my dads moms new *man friend* lives. <BR> <BR> The highlight of the trip aka funniest moment for me was on the way back. We stopped at a rest area and my grandma, dads girlfriend and I went in to potty. My grandma starts chanting off in indian and singing and being a wacko and making farting noises <BR> to make jamie and i laugh so hard. she would do it again just to get a rise... Sun, 21 Jul 2013 23:25:21 EST Marinate Me And Call Me Dun Dun Dun Tomorrow we are taking my Dad's mom to Oklahoma to meet her new *man friend* <BR> She is 81 yrs old....She has a new boyfriend/*man friend* that she has met thru a christian newsletter or website and they are wanting to meet face to face... <BR> <BR> Hopefully her new boyfriend or whatever she wants to call him isn't an axe murderer who is going to cut us up into tiny chunks put our bodies in a cooler and add some bbq to marinate us before he cooks us up for dinner. haha <BR> <BR> Cheap e... Thu, 18 Jul 2013 18:02:27 EST Fork The Pork We are getting ready to go see my brother, the kids and his fiance, she is making us dinner. <BR> some junk and pork patties?? ive never had a pork pattie so what it is i have no clue but as long as i can eat it with a fork im happy. i love forks i use them to eat everything. i feel funny eating with a spoon. spoons are soup only. <BR> My family is complete opposite they all prefer spoons. <BR> <BR> <BR> So ready to see the kids and my brother. <BR> <BR> I feel so great today. <BR> I hop... Wed, 17 Jul 2013 16:11:22 EST God Uses Us When We Least Expect It You ever read something and it slaps you in the face, Like WOAH <BR> this person said everything I have been thru and your heart melts into a saddend puddle because you feel their hurts and you just wanna give them a hug? <BR> <BR> God sends that to you. <BR> On days like today when I'm feeling blah crappy and like no one cares and im all alone God sends me something to remind me that I'm not the only one who feels the things I feel and as morbid as it sounds it feels so good to know that ... Tue, 16 Jul 2013 17:28:59 EST Never Forget This Above all....Remember you are a STAR. <BR> your beautiful and you shine greater than you realize. <BR> If you don't have others around who can show you the worth you have inside of you, find them. <BR> there are people everywhere who will love you and care if you give them a chance. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Mon, 15 Jul 2013 00:42:37 EST Let Them Eat Cake <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Sun, 14 Jul 2013 18:46:06 EST Ding A Ling The Ring A Ling We went to my brothers and saw the kids today. <BR> today was super hot so we stayed in brothers house after we went to sonic for lemon berry slushiness. <BR> <BR> brothers wedding ring came today, its really pretty. <BR> They are getting married at the end of this month. He is happy with it so that is all that matters. I'm glad I made him happy by giving him my ring to propose to her with. <BR> <BR> the kids spend few hours acting like ding a lings running around spraying each other with... Fri, 12 Jul 2013 01:07:58 EST A Courtin We Will Go So I've lost 5lbs in two weeks. I'm not trying to I'm just so stressed I guess im not eating enough?? <BR> <BR> Had <BR> Court again for the bathroom floor that dude butchered in JANUARY and it got put off until SEPTEMBER...So tired of dealing with this. <BR> I gout enough stress from dealing with my own self and taking care of my grandma. <BR> <BR> I actually at one point felt sorry for the old man who messed up my floor and felt bad for suing him but forget him now...he is a dirty old do... Thu, 11 Jul 2013 03:33:14 EST Pop Rocks Note to self. <BR> Pop is a really bad idea at 11pm because im really hyper right now but my friend is happy because im on the phone with him meowing and mooin and hes laughing, I'm laughing. I feel...Happy...its a good day... <BR> <BR> We had a good dey today I got a few hours break from grandma and I feel better. <BR> <BR> I'm very grateful for the small break I had from my grandma today. it was not much but its a start. ill decide step by step of how im going to do this with her. <BR> ... Wed, 10 Jul 2013 02:55:19 EST Time To Let Go Time to let go. time to see I cant do everything alone. I'm going to be making some calls seeing if I cant see about getting help with my grandma. <BR> I cant handle this alone anymore. Its to hard emotionally and physically especailly with me having fibromyalgia which causes me physical pain and brain fog (AKA memory lapses aka brain farts) <BR> <BR> I just cant do it anymore. I love my grandma so much but i cant do this alone anymore.... <BR> I can only pray that God shows me the right t... Mon, 8 Jul 2013 20:56:10 EST We Are Family Today I am grateful for having family time with my nephews and brother :) <BR> <BR> My brother made grandma and I supper and we watched two episodes of river monsters and my nephew loved it. <BR> <BR> It was a very good evening and I am happy to have such a close relationship with my nephews and both of my brothers. I love them so much I'm very lucky that they live close by I cant imagine not living close to my nephews I would probably go insane. <BR> <BR> thank god for nephews and brothe... Mon, 8 Jul 2013 01:28:38 EST A Handful Today I am grateful for my hands because i can use them as a cup .. <BR> <BR> waking up in the middle of the night that i was thirsty and i cupped my hand for some water....its all about those simple little pleasures we take so for granted when they are attached to us even. <BR> Water never tasted so good to me as it did then in that moment. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> so ready for the weekend. time for resting for everyone i hope. its much needed here in this house <BR> Fri, 5 Jul 2013 01:19:19 EST Water For Elephants Happy 4th of July first of all. <BR> Today I'm grateful for the movie called <BR> Water For Elephants... <BR> <BR> We watched it and it made my grandma laugh so much I forgot how good it felt to hear and see her happy so much of her time is spent angry and taking it out/blaming me because of her dementia its just a great thing to see her smiling and laughing so I'm grateful for that today. <BR> <BR> It truly is the little things that mean the most. <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeop... Thu, 4 Jul 2013 02:20:11 EST Wind Beneath My Wings Yesterday I mentioned how I was grateful for the things God has given me right? And was probably one of the most smoothest happier days I've experienced since my mom died because with me being a caregiver for my sick grandma, me having fibromyalgia and a handful of problems with other stuff its not very often that we have an entirely good day and its sometimes very hard to remember the things i should be grateful for. <BR> <BR> So I really am going to start everyday that I blog with somet... Wed, 3 Jul 2013 16:29:02 EST I Can Only Imagine Today was just plain beautiful outside and inside. <BR> <BR> Its crazy the simple things we all take for granted when we get caught up in the midst of things in our lives... <BR> <BR> The simplest little things like getting to share moments with those we love under the roofs of our homes and feel safety and know that god has blessed us with so much <BR> <BR> seeing the squirrels running around in your front yard gatering nuts <BR> <BR> We are so much luckier than we realize. We take so m... Tue, 2 Jul 2013 19:20:00 EST OMG Did She Really Just Say That? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Tue, 2 Jul 2013 01:01:13 EST Creative Ice Cream Flavor July 1st is Creative Ice Cream flavor day <BR> so what would ya all make up to eat??? <BR> <BR> I would of course pick pizza because thats my favorite food :) <BR> <BR> <BR> July is also National Ice Cream month ya all so make sure you have an ice cream at least one day of the month. it wouldn't be right not to treat yourself. you deserve something sweet to treat every now and then <BR> <BR> My real favorite ice cream flavors are mint chocolate chip and peppermint and i intend to have a... Mon, 1 Jul 2013 03:37:20 EST Cheese With Dat Whine Oh man today is going to totally stink it's 3am and im still wide awake. <BR> totally not tired... <BR> got lots on my mind and no ones awake to talk well i gotta pray about somethings anyhow. <BR> <BR> good news is my nephews are coming home tomorrow instead of the 30th <BR> ....thank god i didn'tlike them with their mom. they were almost a month there. that is the longest she has ever kept them since 2006 when she left my brother and scares me to think of the emotional damage i... Fri, 28 Jun 2013 04:36:36 EST Chocolatey Delight Something I've found in place of pop tarts, bc I love pop tarts.... <BR> <BR> Special K brand Pastry the flavor chocolatey delight.. <BR> <BR> totally kill my pop tart craving... <BR> <BR> comes with 2 pastrys in a pack. 100 calories per pack. <BR> <BR> 5 packs in box i think, cant remember aat the second but i enjoy them :) <BR> If you like stuff like that and can have sugar, ya all should try it. <BR> --- <BR> <BR> I need new snack ideas the stuff im eating is getting ol... Thu, 27 Jun 2013 02:17:12 EST Sweet And Nutty “Life is like a sandwich! <BR> <BR> Birth as one slice, <BR> and death as the other. <BR> What you put in-between <BR> the slices is up to you. <BR> <BR> Is your sandwich tasty or sour? <BR> <BR> --------------------------------- <BR> Thought this was worth sharing, I enjoyed it...especially since I love sandwiches. my in-between is nutty and sweet, like honey roasted peanut butter mmmmmmmm. <BR> --- <BR> What is your favorite sandwich? <BR> i think mine is cucumber tomato with cream chee... Wed, 26 Jun 2013 00:52:06 EST Cowabunga Dudes And Dudeettes Well when I was little I wanted to be a writer cause I used to be funny and creative and in school I had some poems published but then life stole my dreams and yesterday my brother informed me that him and I are TMNT.... AKA <BR> Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...Because we love pizza, water, and talking to animals and being totally awesome.. <BR> <BR> I guess I can totally see myself as being a turtle...soft on the inside hard on the outside... I wish I had some cool nunchucks like Michelange... Tue, 25 Jun 2013 01:41:03 EST Forgiving And Letting Go Welp I didn't have to help my Dads girlfriend...someone else did...prob for the best.. <BR> bc i dont really speak to my Dad much... being around him hurts me more than helps and I've been happier. <BR> <BR> It also made me realize how strong of a person I am. Not many people can forgive the person who abused them for 15yrs and allow them back into their life.... I did that...I gave him many chances because I loved him...he is my can you love someone who has hurt you...yet someti... Mon, 24 Jun 2013 18:19:35 EST I'm To Good Of A Person Gotta take my Dads girlfriend to court tomorrowI. <BR> <BR> She asked my brothers girlfriend to do it but instead of being decent and doing it she said my brother is taking the car to work, this is after her ranting on for half an hour about how she is going to go apply for jobs tomorrow.... <BR> <BR> So i volunteered because i think its cruel of my brothers girlfriend to not do it when she sits at home all day doing nothing but Facebook , so gotta get up early drive 20 minutes into town ... Mon, 24 Jun 2013 01:02:58 EST I Think Were Alone Now :) Yaaaaaay I got the whole house to myself for a few hours at least.... <BR> <BR> I'm going to have a long hot shower and sing my butt off and then lounge around and do a whole lotta nothing....maybe do my nails and toes and then have some strawberries dipped in light whipped cream for a treat... <BR> <BR> Off to have a treat filled much needed break :) <BR> <BR> What do ya all do to relax? <BR> Fri, 21 Jun 2013 16:00:00 EST Lions And Tigers And Bears, Oh My Here in Kansas it's hot, sweaty and well tomorrow is said to be even worse...So woohoo... <BR> <BR> I'm not sure what we will do this weekend, i kinda want to go see my brother but on the other hand being around his fiance is annoying because all she ever does is yell at him and try to start a fight.... <BR> probably just stay at home, least its quiet.. <BR> <BR> I need to get more of a life...I have someone who kinda seeing but its not anything much and I never see them so I need to find n... Fri, 21 Jun 2013 02:10:02 EST Best Present Ever Give Myself <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Today I needed this. Because I am my own worst enemy at times... <BR> <BR> Today I forgave myself. I will forgive again tomorrow and continue to do so.. <BR> <BR> This is really the best present you can ever give anyone or yourself. <BR> <BR> Wed, 19 Jun 2013 01:02:42 EST Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Am I The Silliest Of Them All? What do you see when you look into a mirror? <BR> <BR> Do you see yourself for the beauty God has given you and accept the things he thought were most grand about you?? <BR> <BR> Or do you see the lies someone planted in your mind with their small words?? <BR> <img src=""> <BR> I have had a love hate relationship with my mirror most my life....I have always known I was a pretty person and that is why I ate myself into a food mess thinki... Tue, 18 Jun 2013 02:01:25 EST Angry Cheese Balls Nothing good can come over being angry it just keeps you in prison and only you have the keys...yet you have swallowed them and then ate 10 gallons of cheese so your super constipated and it will take years for the keys to pass...everyone else will see the anger outside thru your poor actions and mouth but not know that the keys are sticking inside there poking at you.. <BR> <BR> If you have anger in your heart over something, find the source face it and forgive so you can be anger and chee... Mon, 17 Jun 2013 01:09:06 EST I'll Take Fries And A Swift Kick For 100 Alex I cant wait for tomorrow because today was HIGH stress because of my dr appt and also got a letter in the mail....the dude who jacked up my floor in JAN and I sued him and won, <BR> well he had 15 days to pay back the money paid to him for the floors he didnt fix right <BR> <BR> and the 15 days ended day before yesterday and well somehow he got to where he is going to get another court date and try a different judge... <BR> <BR> so he didn't pay me and if he wins the 2nd time then well h... Fri, 14 Jun 2013 01:50:44 EST Meow Not Growl Today was purrfect...I'm a very happy kitty. We had pizza for dinner and my little brother come over and visited until almost 10pm... <BR> <BR> I got a dr appt tomorrow (THURS) at 2, so please pray for me, wish me luck. <BR> <BR> My life is not purrfection nor am I but I'm a happy kitty because My God is purrfect and he fills my bowl of cream every time its in need of filling it might not always be my favorite flavor but it's always what is best to make me put my best MEOW out to the world.... Thu, 13 Jun 2013 00:28:01 EST Sweatin In All The Wrong Places Hot day again tomorrow and heat index will be 105. <BR> so lots more water in and def wont be leaving the house. <BR> <BR> Hello Sunshine. Your killing me but your making me sweat so maybe you will do me a favor and let me sweat in places other than my boobs because I really dont want one to be super tiny and the other to the normal sized. I mean that would be a super duper conversation starter:) <BR> <BR> Yuck I dislike sweating which is prob why God thought it would be awesome to make me ... Wed, 12 Jun 2013 01:27:55 EST Feeling Hot Hot Hot Headed It's still 85 degrees out and like 90 in my house and it's 10pm... <BR> <BR> I'm hot, tired and sweated all day cause it was like 100 outside and prob 105 in here and my grandma threw a fit cause I tried to turn on the air.. <BR> <BR> She is just going to have to suck it up and deal with it...This is my dang house...I cook for her, I clean up her messes I do everything to take care of her <BR> ....I'm not going to be miserable in my own house..... <BR> <BR> Oh well it's hott hot hot and i... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 23:32:40 EST Aliens And Cow Nuts Whatdya know the first thing my nephews notice is my eyebrows being gone, oldest tells me Aunti why you all pale with black eyes are you trying to be an alien? <BR> <BR> I guess my black circles from my being sick and the neon green eye-shadow helped my cause. I wanted them to not be scared to see me different. So we laughed it off...I'm such an awesome aunt :) <BR> Going to miss them so much they going to be with their real mom 3 weeks, that is the longest I have ever went without seeing... Fri, 7 Jun 2013 01:14:24 EST Missing Them Already So my brother text me tonight telling me the kids Mom is going to be taking them for 2-3 weeks and I gotta come over tomorrow and see them before they leave on Friday... <BR> <BR> Oh my gosh I am just wondering what the reactions will be when they see Auntie without eyebrows, i hope it doesn't scare them with my being sick in the past they might assume :( <BR> <BR> I'm going to miss them so much...Do not like them going to the Moms for that long since the most Mom she is a five minute pho... Thu, 6 Jun 2013 01:33:55 EST