ILOVEROSES's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=ILOVEROSES ILOVEROSES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Silent Convent. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5865604 Sister Mary joined a Convent of Silence. <BR> <BR> <BR> The Priest said; “Sister, this is a silent Convent. <BR> You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.” <BR> <BR> <BR> Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, <BR> <BR> “Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. <BR> <BR> You may speak two words.” <BR> <BR> <BR> Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.” <BR> <BR> “I'm sorry to hear that,” the Priest said. ... Thu, 29 Jan 2015 23:46:02 EST THE TOILET SEAT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5862014 My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. <BR> <BR> After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. <BR> <BR> Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her butt to the toilet seat. <BR> <BR> About that time, I got home and realized her pre... Sun, 25 Jan 2015 07:44:03 EST 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5860805 <BR> I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in. <BR> <BR> One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you are great drinkers. <BR> <BR> I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." <BR> <BR> The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet. <BR> <BR> 40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?" <BR> <BR> <BR> "S... Fri, 23 Jan 2015 07:57:24 EST Odd Spot 30. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5860032 Drugs suspect Jason Duval has convinced a US judge to take his Nike sneakers instead of cash for his bail. Judge Douglas Stoddart wanted him jailed for failing to pay $450 court costs but liked the sneakers-for-bail idea suggested by Duval. He will get his shoes back if he pays $100 over four weeks. <BR> <em>68</em> <BR> ____________________________ <BR> <BR> A civil servant in India has finally been sacked, 25 years after he stopped turning up for work. A.K. Verma, an executive engin... Thu, 22 Jan 2015 06:33:59 EST Gentlemen and Ladies! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5858483 As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, <BR> <BR> I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's as* anymore. <BR> <BR> .... If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. <BR> <BR> .... A whale swims all day, mainly eat fish, drinks water, but is still fat. <BR> <BR> .... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while <BR> <BR> .... A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. <BR> <BR> And you tell me... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 07:28:09 EST Seniors Under Attack! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5850551 <BR> THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! <BR> <BR> <BR> We Must Stop This Immediately ! <BR> <BR> Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. <BR> Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! <BR> <BR> <BR> And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. <BR> They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak... Fri, 9 Jan 2015 18:37:22 EST The Haircut... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5847287 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, <BR> <BR> 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' <BR> <BR> The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. <BR> <BR> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ... Tue, 6 Jan 2015 04:06:54 EST A Nice Lawyer Story. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5846397 <BR> If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none. <BR> <BR> <BR> The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. <BR> So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. <BR> <BR> <BR> The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like ... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 08:24:30 EST Murder at Coles Supermarket. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5844455 Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. <BR> <BR> A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. <BR> <BR> The husband said he was willin... Sat, 3 Jan 2015 04:59:51 EST The Postman. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5840961 One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. <BR> <BR> As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. <BR> <BR> His wonder was cut short by Wayne, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. <BR> <BR> <BR> 'Wow Wayne, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented. <BR> <BR> Wayne, in obvio... Tue, 30 Dec 2014 00:39:04 EST Slips of the tongue. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5840265 <BR> 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator – <BR> 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' <BR> <BR> 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – <BR> 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' <BR> <BR> 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – <BR> 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' <BR> <BR> 4. Harry Ca... Mon, 29 Dec 2014 00:37:49 EST Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5838953 Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. <BR> <BR> <BR> While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. <BR> <BR> <BR> Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. <BR> <BR> <BR> After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. <BR> <BR> <BR> One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" <BR> <BR> <BR> The woman shakes her head 'no'. <BR> <BR> <BR> Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 19:10:16 EST Merry Christmas Girl Friends and a Happy New Year! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5837831 <BR> Hi Ladies <BR> I received this from a girlfriend and enjoyed it so thought I would send it on. <BR> <BR> Merry Christmas To My Female Friends <BR> If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do <BR> I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you <BR> And deliver some things just inside your front door <BR> Things you have lost, but treasured before. <BR> <BR> I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, <BR> And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure. <BR> Then restore the old color that once g... Wed, 24 Dec 2014 07:20:41 EST Odd Spot #29. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5836061 An online survey in Britain by Netmums found one in five children between 5 and 12 believes Jesus plays soccer for Chelsea and the shepherds used Google Maps to find the infant Jesus. One in four think the Virgin Birth took place in a church and one in 10 think Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was there. <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> ________________________ <BR> <BR> What do you get the person who has everything this Christmas? A box of nothing. You Need Nothing is selling boxes containing "no... Sat, 20 Dec 2014 22:18:22 EST A Nun Grading Papers http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5834285 <BR> CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE! <BR> PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! <BR> IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. <BR> THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHE... Wed, 17 Dec 2014 07:42:34 EST As I (we) age. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5829435 When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, <BR> "Strip down, facing me." <BR> <BR> Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security <BR> rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. <BR> <BR> After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out <BR> that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. <BR> <BR> Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. <BR> <BR> They need to ma... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 04:01:53 EST One more sleep and then..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5820470 It's time for our next adventure! <em>340</em> <BR> <BR> In just over 12 hours we are off to the airport flying to Sydney so we can catch a <em>340</em> that will be taking us to Singapore. <BR> <BR> Just over a month ago I had a very bad fall in my backyard, don't they say that most accidents happen at home? <BR> Well...mine happened just outside the laundry door on a nice Saturday afternoon and I really damaged my left knee, tore my ACL and badly damaged my meniscus, and not even p... Fri, 21 Nov 2014 05:58:38 EST CONDOM FACTORY BURNS DOWN IN NEW ZEALAND (Spoken in a Kiwi Accent) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5819340 John Keys, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone. <BR> <BR> John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week." <BR> <BR> PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W'e will be ruined." <BR> <BR> ... Wed, 19 Nov 2014 07:41:06 EST I did not know this... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5818765 Grandson of slaves, a boy was born in a poor neighbourhood of New Orleans, known as the "Back of Town". <BR> <BR> His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother. <BR> <BR> Early in life, he proved to be gifted for music, and with three other kids, he sang in the streets of New Orleans and his first gains were the coins that were thrown to them. <BR> <BR> A Jewish family, Karnofsky, ... Tue, 18 Nov 2014 07:50:14 EST Broadband in the Australian bush. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5818133 Australia Computer Terminology - Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!! <BR> <BR> LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter. <BR> <BR> LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie. <BR> <BR> MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie. <BR> <BR> DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute. <BR> <BR> HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. <BR> <BR> KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys. <BR> <BR> WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold. <BR> <BR> SCREE... Mon, 17 Nov 2014 07:03:54 EST Odd Spot #28 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5817431 A Chinese computer programmer spent more than $92,000 - the equivalent of about 17 years of an average worker's salary - on iPhone 6s in a bid to convince is girlfriend to marry him. He bought 99 iPhones and laid them out in a <em>247</em> shape and proposed to her in front of colleagues and friends. She said no. <BR> <em>39</em> <em>46</em> <BR> _______________________ <BR> <BR> A Florida man tried to steal a chainsaw by stuffing it down the front of his shorts and draping his T-... Sat, 15 Nov 2014 20:46:29 EST HEAVEN OR HELL. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5817039 While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Politician (redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died. <BR> <BR> His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. <BR> <BR> "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." <BR> <BR> "No problem, just let me in," says the Politician. <BR> <BR> <BR> "Well, I'd like to, but I... Sat, 15 Nov 2014 00:49:09 EST Odd Spot #27 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5813446 Students at the University of Pennsylvania will be able to study a course called "Wasting time on the internet" at degree level from next year. Those who enrol will be required to stare at the screen for 3 hours at a time and turn what is perceived as aimless surfing into something productive. <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> _______________________ <BR> <BR> So much do dirty clothes and unwashed students go together that Birmingham City University, England has issued a how-to guide on how to do l... Sun, 9 Nov 2014 07:58:02 EST My Doctor. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5812903 Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you <BR> want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again. <BR> <BR> He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he <BR> realized she was Chinese. <BR> <BR> Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, <BR> the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. <BR> <BR> While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, ther... Sat, 8 Nov 2014 03:39:35 EST The Doctor’s Waiting Room http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5812286 <BR> They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there and you say in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it’s embarrassing. <BR> There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. <BR> I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. <BR> <BR> An 86-year old man walked into a crowded Doctor’s Waiting Room. As he approached the desk the receptionist said “yes... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 00:16:40 EST Odd Spot #26. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5807414 Dubai commuters are being given the chance to win spectacular prizes, including gold, if they travel by public transport. The emirate's transport authority will offer incentives totalling hundreds of thousands of dollars as part of Public Transport Day this week in a bid to cut traffic congestion. <BR> <em>434</em> <BR> ________________________ <BR> <BR> A flower pot, used for years as a goalpost in children's games of indoor soccer in Grimsby, England, was sold at auction for $1.2 mill... Thu, 30 Oct 2014 08:44:57 EST The Mail Order Catalogue http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5805490 <BR> Just love the Irish! <BR> <BR> <BR> Two IRISHMEN were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models. <BR> <BR> <BR> One said to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?' <BR> <BR> The second one replies, <BR> 'Yes, they are very beautiful. <BR> And look at the price!' <BR> <BR> The first one says, with wide eyes, <BR> 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. <BR> At this price, I'm buying one.' <BR> <BR> The second one smiles and pats him on... Mon, 27 Oct 2014 07:43:36 EST Sorry Boss, I'm a Bit Stuck http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5804888 The oddest excuses US workers have given for missing work include: <BR> getting stuck in a blood pressure machine <BR> and accidentally boarding a plane. <BR> <BR> CareerBuilder, a US-based job website, said its annual survey of workers and hiring managers found the strangest excuses given to bosses for missing work included: <BR> having just put a casserole in the oven, <BR> plastic surgery requiring extra "tweaking", <BR> a broken ankle resulting from a woman's legs falling asleep whi... Sun, 26 Oct 2014 07:34:35 EST Starting to Feel Useless. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5804131 WELCOME to 2014 <BR> <BR> Our Phones – Wireless <BR> <BR> • Cooking – Fireless <BR> <BR> • Cars – Keyless <BR> <BR> • Food – Fatless <BR> <BR> • Tires –Tubeless <BR> <BR> • Dress – Sleeveless <BR> <BR> • Youth – Jobless <BR> <BR> • Leaders – Shameless <BR> <BR> • Relationships – Meaningless <BR> <BR> • Attitudes – Careless <BR> <BR> • Babies – Fatherless <BR> <BR> • Feelings – Heartless <BR> <BR> • Education – Valueless <BR> <BR> • Children – Mannerless <BR> <BR> • Country – Go... Fri, 24 Oct 2014 18:42:12 EST Late Speech. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5802683 A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! <BR> <BR> "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned t... Wed, 22 Oct 2014 09:32:44 EST Odd Spot #25. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5802351 Springdale Cemetery, Illinois, is trying to get more customers with a 10-event marketing campaign that includes a 5 K race through it. "We know if we get people back into the cemetery, they're going to be amazed at its beauty." Springdale's chief Bob Manning said. "Then, hopefully, they'll think of us when the time comes." <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> ____________________________ <BR> <BR> Police in Illinois say a woman was shocked to receive a python in the post. Delores Gavin said a deliv... Tue, 21 Oct 2014 19:48:55 EST SIGNS! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5801381 Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: <BR> <BR> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." <BR> <BR> ************************** <BR> <BR> In a Podiatrist's office: <BR> <BR> "Time wounds all heels." <BR> <BR> ************************** <BR> <BR> On a Septic Tank Truck: <BR> <BR> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels <BR> <BR> ************************** <BR> <BR> At an Optometrist's Office: <BR> <BR> "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." <BR> <BR> ************************... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 09:22:18 EST A short journey along memory lane. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5799768 HEY,WASN'T THIS US? <BR> <BR> A little house with three bedrooms, <BR> one bathroom and one car on the street. <BR> A mower that you had to push <BR> to make the grass look neat. <BR> <BR> <BR> In the kitchen on the wall <BR> we only had one phone, <BR> And no need for recording things, <BR> someone was always home. <BR> <BR> <BR> We only had a living room <BR> where we would congregate, <BR> unless it was at mealtime <BR> in the kitchen where we ate. <BR> <BR> <BR> We had no need f... Fri, 17 Oct 2014 09:54:17 EST Have you seen my mind? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5799194 <BR> Dear Friends: <BR> <BR> <BR> Just a line to say I'm living ... <BR> That I'm not among the dead, <BR> <BR> <BR> Though I'm getting more forgetful <BR> And mixed up in the head. <BR> <BR> <BR> I got used to my arthritis, <BR> To my dentures I'm resigned, <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I can manage my bifocals, <BR> But Lord ... how I miss my mind!!! <BR> <BR> <BR> Sometimes I can't remember <BR> When I stand at the foot of the stairs, <BR> <BR> <BR> If I must go up for something ... Thu, 16 Oct 2014 09:41:45 EST Four Retirees Walk Into A Bar.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5798868 <BR> Four older retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. <BR> <BR> They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." <BR> <BR> They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. <BR> <BR> The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, <BR> <BR> "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" <BR> <BR> There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. <BR> <... Wed, 15 Oct 2014 18:55:44 EST MARRIAGE AND MARIJUANA http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5797992 <BR> For those who haven't heard, CALIFORNIA just passed two laws: <BR> <BR> 1.allowing gay marriage and <BR> <BR> 2.legalizing use of marijuana. <BR> <BR> <BR> The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, <BR> <BR> <BR> "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." <BR> <BR> <BR> We obviously just hadn't interpreted it correctly before. Tue, 14 Oct 2014 10:35:33 EST Two-Line Poetry Competition. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5797802 THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST <BR> COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE <BR> RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, <BR> AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: <BR> Marrying you has screwed up my life. <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. I see your face when I am dreaming. <BR> That's why I always wake up screaming. <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; <BR> This describes everything you are not... Tue, 14 Oct 2014 02:38:20 EST If you were in my shoes....... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5796630 Man returns home a few days early from a business trip because he suspects his wife is having an affair. <BR> <BR> It's after midnight and he asks the Cabby if he will come inside and be a witness. <BR> <BR> For $100, the Cabby agrees. <BR> <BR> They tip toe into the bedroom, the husband switches on the light, yanks back the blanket and sure enough....his wife's in bed with another man! <BR> <BR> The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. <BR> <BR> The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! D... Sun, 12 Oct 2014 02:14:07 EST Yes, this is US! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5796055 Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done <BR> and do not try to blame others. <BR> <BR> HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT senior citizens who took: <BR> <BR> The melody out of music, <BR> <BR> The pride out of appearance, <BR> <BR> The courtesy out of driving, <BR> <BR> The romance out of love, <BR> <BR> The commitment out... Fri, 10 Oct 2014 21:41:35 EST 101 year old Hattie MacDonald http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5795167 I love her way of thinking.... <BR> <BR> Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: <BR> <BR> Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? <BR> <BR> Hattie: For better digestion I drink Beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink White Wine. <BR> <BR> For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink Scotch. <BR> <BR> And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps. <BR> <BR> <BR> Reporter: Whe... Thu, 9 Oct 2014 09:56:29 EST Finally a blonde joke I haven't heard .. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5794555 A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. <BR> She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football. <BR> <BR> She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. <BR> 'You ok?' she asks. <BR> 'Yes,' he replies. <BR> 'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says. <BR> 'It's best I stay here,' he says. <BR> 'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.. <BR> The boy looks at her ... Wed, 8 Oct 2014 09:01:45 EST 7 Days of Laughter http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5793984 MONDAY <BR> <BR> The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... <BR> <BR> Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. <BR> <BR> The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. <BR> <BR> He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of... Tue, 7 Oct 2014 10:40:56 EST Never Argue with a Woman! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5793300 <BR> One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself. <BR> <BR> She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. <BR> <BR> Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, <BR> <BR> <BR> 'Good morning, Ma'am. Wh... Mon, 6 Oct 2014 09:52:42 EST Holy email. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5793158 <BR> One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally retirees' behavior that was going on. <BR> <BR> <BR> So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time. <BR> <BR> <BR> When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees are misbehaving and only 5% are not.' <BR> <BR> God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' <BR> <BR> So God called another angel and sent her to ... Mon, 6 Oct 2014 03:29:34 EST A man and a penguin. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5791611 A guy is walking down the street with penguin following him. <BR> Cop asks the guy why he's walking a penguin. Guy says the penguin just started following him. <BR> Cop says: "take him to the "ZOO". <BR> Next day, the cop sees the same guy and the penguin at a bus stop. <BR> The cop asks why the guy didn't take the penguin to the ZOO as he was told. <BR> The guy says, "I did take him to the ZOO, and today I'm taking him to the Museum of Natural History." <BR> <em>334</em> Fri, 3 Oct 2014 09:16:23 EST WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5791001 After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, <BR> <BR> 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!' <BR> <BR> 'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.' <BR> <BR> 'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. <BR> <BR> 'This can't be, our families on both sides ha... Thu, 2 Oct 2014 09:39:53 EST From American Association for Retired People (AARP) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5785337 <BR> Questions and Answers from AARP Forum <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? <BR> <BR> A: Try a bookstore, under fiction. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? <BR> <BR> A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned ... Tue, 23 Sep 2014 09:06:20 EST Odd Spot #24. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5784606 Italy's National Institute of Statistics has won the spoof Nobel prize (Harvard's IgNobel award) for economics by finding a way to increase its country's national economy. The institute suggested counting the value of illegal drug sales, smuggling, prostitution and other unlawful financial transactions. <BR> <em>250</em> <BR> ______________________ <BR> <BR> A man was jailed in Cameroon for "being a homosexual". His crime? He loves Bailey's Irish Cream, which the judge said was a woma... Mon, 22 Sep 2014 08:56:22 EST A twist on Government definitions... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5782693 <BR> In my many years I have come to a conclusion <BR> that one useless man is a shame, <BR> two is a law firm <BR> and three or more is a government. <BR> John Adams <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, <BR> if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. <BR> Mark Twain <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Suppose you were an idiot. <BR> And suppose you were a member of government. <BR> But then I repeat myself. <BR> Mark Twain <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR... Fri, 19 Sep 2014 01:39:16 EST Odd Spot #23. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5781533 Father-of-two Matthew Hearn, 30, of Fleetwood, England, has been sacked from his job as cleaning manager of shopping centre for taking the ice bucket challenge to raise money during work hours. He was told he 'did not meet requirements' for his role following the challenge. <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> ________________________ <BR> <BR> David Greenman, 34, ate 33 raw cloves of Iberian garlic in 60 seconds to win the world garlic-eating competition in Dorset, England. He beat the runner-up by ... Wed, 17 Sep 2014 09:47:10 EST