ILOVEROSES's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=ILOVEROSES ILOVEROSES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Your Parking Officer's Funeral! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5938208 As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at your Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams . . . . .; <BR> <BR> "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" <BR> <BR> The Vicar smiles; leans forward, and sucking air through his teeth mutters . . . . . <BR> <BR> "Too bloody late pal, I've already done the paperwork" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> You're smiling . . . . . <BR> <BR> <BR> Good for You ! <BR> <em>334</em> Tue, 2 Jun 2015 00:31:25 EST Understanding unemployment http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5937203 Believe it or not, this gives you one of the best explanations of our current unemployment. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America . <BR> <BR> ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%. <BR> <BR> COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? <BR> <BR> ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%. <BR> <BR> COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%. <BR> <BR> ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed. <BR> <BR> COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work. <BR> <BR> ABBOTT:... Sun, 31 May 2015 10:11:31 EST Prostate Exam http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5936990 An old Jewish guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. <BR> <BR> <BR> When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. <BR> <BR> <BR> The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. <BR> <BR> <BR> I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, <B... Sat, 30 May 2015 22:09:10 EST Medical examination http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5936694 <BR> During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." <BR> <BR> <BR> The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!" <BR> <em>20</em> <em>100</em> <BR> Sat, 30 May 2015 09:50:08 EST Golf Lessons http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5936082 A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. <BR> <BR> <BR> The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. <BR> <BR> <BR> She goes over and whiffs it completely. <BR> Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. <BR> <BR> <BR> She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically," I guess all those fu**ing lessons I took over t... Fri, 29 May 2015 06:03:07 EST Grandma's Boyfriend http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5935501 <BR> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. <BR> Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' <BR> <BR> <BR> Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. <BR> I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. <BR> The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. <BR> I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' <BR> <BR> <BR>... Thu, 28 May 2015 02:04:48 EST SIMPLE TRUTH http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5933879 SIMPLE TRUTH #1 <BR> <BR> Lovers help each other undress before sex. <BR> <BR> However after sex, they always dress on their own. <BR> <BR> Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. <BR> <BR> <BR> SIMPLE TRUTH #2 <BR> <BR> When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, <BR> "Congrats". <BR> <BR> But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job". <BR> <BR> Moral of the story: "Hard work is rarely appreciated." <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 25 May 2015 09:20:27 EST Random Thoughts http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5933003 <BR> <BR> Life is like a roll of toilet paper, it goes really fast at the end. <BR> <BR> <BR> I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks! <BR> <BR> <BR> I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad! <BR> <BR> <BR> Old age is coming at a really bad time! <BR> <BR> <BR> When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... <BR> now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation! <BR> <BR> <BR> The biggest lie I tell myself is ... Sat, 23 May 2015 11:57:55 EST A Shaggy Dog Story. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5932743 <BR> <BR> <BR> As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his <BR> mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." <BR> Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and <BR> quickly closes the shop. <BR> He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, <BR> and trot across the road to a bus-stop. <BR> The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. <BR> <BR> ... Fri, 22 May 2015 21:42:14 EST The Pastor's Ass http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5931336 The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. <BR> <BR> The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. <BR> <BR> The local paper read: <BR> <BR> PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT <BR> <BR> The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. <BR> <BR> The next day the local paper headline read: <BR> <BR> BISHOP SC... Wed, 20 May 2015 10:37:28 EST Cardiologist's Funeral http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5930751 A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. <BR> A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. <BR> Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. <BR> <BR> At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When... Tue, 19 May 2015 10:57:34 EST As Good of an Explanation as I've Heard! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5930514 <BR> I feel better after reading this . . . <BR> <BR> Brains of older people are slow because they know so much . People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe . <BR> Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full. <BR> <BR> <BR> Researchers say this slowing down process is not the sa... Tue, 19 May 2015 00:23:47 EST A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5929581 <BR> Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. <BR> <BR> Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. <BR> <BR> This is how it manifests: <BR> <BR> I decide to water my garden. <BR> As I turn on the hose in the driveway, <BR> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. <BR> <BR> As I start toward the garage, <BR> I notice mail on the porch table that <BR> I brought up from the mail box earlier. <BR> <BR> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. ... Sun, 17 May 2015 11:47:09 EST A week of Chuckles. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5929079 <BR> MONDAY <BR> <BR> The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. <BR> <BR> Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. <BR> <BR> The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. <BR> He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of ... Sat, 16 May 2015 10:55:48 EST IRISH ALZHEIMERS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5928796 Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. <BR> After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" <BR> <BR> Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. <BR> I also knew that he had... Fri, 15 May 2015 19:31:52 EST Retiree Mental Fitness Evaluation http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5896179 This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counselling. <BR> <BR> (I'll meet you there.) <BR> <BR> <BR> There are 4 test questions. Don't miss one. <BR> <BR> <BR> Giraffe Test. <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Thu, 19 Mar 2015 22:52:28 EST Little Boy Lost. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5884502 A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, ‘Hello’. <BR> <BR> Lawyer: Is your mummy there? <BR> Boy (whisper): Yes <BR> <BR> Lawyer: Can I speak with her? <BR> Boy (whisper): She’s busy. <BR> <BR> Lawyer: Is your dad there? Can I speak with him? <BR> Boy (whisper): He’s busy. <BR> <BR> Lawyer: Is anyone else there? <BR> Boy (whisper): The fire department, the police department. <BR> <BR> Lawyer: Well, can I talk to one of th... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 22:27:48 EST One more sleep... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5882286 I've had a busy day today. In the morning I've done 2 loads of washing, hung them out and with the warm and sunny weather everything is dry now and off the line. No more dirty clothes in the laundry basket till we come back from the holiday in 5 weeks! <BR> <BR> Tonight I had the children and DH's sister for his birthday and farewell dinner. I had compliments for the chicken and a new Hazelnut Meringue cake I made for the first time <em>4</em> We also had some French bubbly <em>181</em>... Wed, 25 Feb 2015 07:32:40 EST The Therapist. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5880314 An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. <BR> The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' <BR> The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' <BR> The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. <BR> <BR> When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' <BR> <BR> He thanks them for coming, he wishes them ... Sun, 22 Feb 2015 06:56:53 EST THE MAN WHO GAVE UP SEX FOR GOLF http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5875404 A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. <BR> <BR> "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. <BR> <BR> Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, <BR> <BR> "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" <BR> <BR> Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, <BR> <BR> the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, <BR> <BR> "Sure," and sinks the p... Sat, 14 Feb 2015 00:34:29 EST For the Grandparents- it is just beautiful! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5873567 GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE: <BR> <BR> Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp .... <BR> <BR> <BR> If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth date" so we know who it is. <BR> <BR> If you need us to stay with the children, press 2 <BR> If you want to borrow the car, press 3 <BR> If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4 <BR> If you w... Wed, 11 Feb 2015 01:28:15 EST WHY GOD MADE MOMS? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5867042 Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Why did God make mothers? <BR> <BR> 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. To help us out of there when we were getting born. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> How did God make mothers? <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. <BR> <BR... Sun, 1 Feb 2015 09:49:02 EST Silent Convent. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5865604 Sister Mary joined a Convent of Silence. <BR> <BR> <BR> The Priest said; “Sister, this is a silent Convent. <BR> You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.” <BR> <BR> <BR> Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, <BR> <BR> “Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. <BR> <BR> You may speak two words.” <BR> <BR> <BR> Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.” <BR> <BR> “I'm sorry to hear that,” the Priest said. ... Thu, 29 Jan 2015 23:46:02 EST THE TOILET SEAT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5862014 My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. <BR> <BR> After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. <BR> <BR> Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her butt to the toilet seat. <BR> <BR> About that time, I got home and realized her pre... Sun, 25 Jan 2015 07:44:03 EST 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5860805 <BR> I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in. <BR> <BR> One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you are great drinkers. <BR> <BR> I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." <BR> <BR> The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet. <BR> <BR> 40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?" <BR> <BR> <BR> "S... Fri, 23 Jan 2015 07:57:24 EST Odd Spot 30. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5860032 Drugs suspect Jason Duval has convinced a US judge to take his Nike sneakers instead of cash for his bail. Judge Douglas Stoddart wanted him jailed for failing to pay $450 court costs but liked the sneakers-for-bail idea suggested by Duval. He will get his shoes back if he pays $100 over four weeks. <BR> <em>68</em> <BR> ____________________________ <BR> <BR> A civil servant in India has finally been sacked, 25 years after he stopped turning up for work. A.K. Verma, an executive engin... Thu, 22 Jan 2015 06:33:59 EST Gentlemen and Ladies! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5858483 As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, <BR> <BR> I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's as* anymore. <BR> <BR> .... If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. <BR> <BR> .... A whale swims all day, mainly eat fish, drinks water, but is still fat. <BR> <BR> .... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while <BR> <BR> .... A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. <BR> <BR> And you tell me... Tue, 20 Jan 2015 07:28:09 EST Seniors Under Attack! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5850551 <BR> THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! <BR> <BR> <BR> We Must Stop This Immediately ! <BR> <BR> Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. <BR> Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! <BR> <BR> <BR> And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. <BR> They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak... Fri, 9 Jan 2015 18:37:22 EST The Haircut... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5847287 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, <BR> <BR> 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' <BR> <BR> The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. <BR> <BR> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ... Tue, 6 Jan 2015 04:06:54 EST A Nice Lawyer Story. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5846397 <BR> If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none. <BR> <BR> <BR> The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. <BR> So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. <BR> <BR> <BR> The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like ... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 08:24:30 EST Murder at Coles Supermarket. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5844455 Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. <BR> <BR> A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. <BR> <BR> The husband said he was willin... Sat, 3 Jan 2015 04:59:51 EST The Postman. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5840961 One Monday morning Shane the postman was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. <BR> <BR> As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. <BR> <BR> His wonder was cut short by Wayne, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. <BR> <BR> <BR> 'Wow Wayne, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented. <BR> <BR> Wayne, in obvio... Tue, 30 Dec 2014 00:39:04 EST Slips of the tongue. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5840265 <BR> 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator – <BR> 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' <BR> <BR> 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – <BR> 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' <BR> <BR> 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – <BR> 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' <BR> <BR> 4. Harry Ca... Mon, 29 Dec 2014 00:37:49 EST Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5838953 Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. <BR> <BR> <BR> While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. <BR> <BR> <BR> Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. <BR> <BR> <BR> After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. <BR> <BR> <BR> One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" <BR> <BR> <BR> The woman shakes her head 'no'. <BR> <BR> <BR> Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 19:10:16 EST Merry Christmas Girl Friends and a Happy New Year! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5837831 <BR> Hi Ladies <BR> I received this from a girlfriend and enjoyed it so thought I would send it on. <BR> <BR> Merry Christmas To My Female Friends <BR> If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do <BR> I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you <BR> And deliver some things just inside your front door <BR> Things you have lost, but treasured before. <BR> <BR> I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, <BR> And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure. <BR> Then restore the old color that once g... Wed, 24 Dec 2014 07:20:41 EST Odd Spot #29. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5836061 An online survey in Britain by Netmums found one in five children between 5 and 12 believes Jesus plays soccer for Chelsea and the shepherds used Google Maps to find the infant Jesus. One in four think the Virgin Birth took place in a church and one in 10 think Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was there. <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> ________________________ <BR> <BR> What do you get the person who has everything this Christmas? A box of nothing. You Need Nothing is selling boxes containing "no... Sat, 20 Dec 2014 22:18:22 EST A Nun Grading Papers http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5834285 <BR> CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE! <BR> PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! <BR> IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. <BR> THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHE... Wed, 17 Dec 2014 07:42:34 EST As I (we) age. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5829435 When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, <BR> "Strip down, facing me." <BR> <BR> Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security <BR> rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. <BR> <BR> After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out <BR> that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. <BR> <BR> Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. <BR> <BR> They need to ma... Mon, 8 Dec 2014 04:01:53 EST One more sleep and then..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5820470 It's time for our next adventure! <em>340</em> <BR> <BR> In just over 12 hours we are off to the airport flying to Sydney so we can catch a <em>340</em> that will be taking us to Singapore. <BR> <BR> Just over a month ago I had a very bad fall in my backyard, don't they say that most accidents happen at home? <BR> Well...mine happened just outside the laundry door on a nice Saturday afternoon and I really damaged my left knee, tore my ACL and badly damaged my meniscus, and not even p... Fri, 21 Nov 2014 05:58:38 EST CONDOM FACTORY BURNS DOWN IN NEW ZEALAND (Spoken in a Kiwi Accent) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5819340 John Keys, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone. <BR> <BR> John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week." <BR> <BR> PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W'e will be ruined." <BR> <BR> ... Wed, 19 Nov 2014 07:41:06 EST I did not know this... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5818765 Grandson of slaves, a boy was born in a poor neighbourhood of New Orleans, known as the "Back of Town". <BR> <BR> His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother. <BR> <BR> Early in life, he proved to be gifted for music, and with three other kids, he sang in the streets of New Orleans and his first gains were the coins that were thrown to them. <BR> <BR> A Jewish family, Karnofsky, ... Tue, 18 Nov 2014 07:50:14 EST Broadband in the Australian bush. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5818133 Australia Computer Terminology - Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!! <BR> <BR> LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter. <BR> <BR> LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie. <BR> <BR> MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie. <BR> <BR> DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute. <BR> <BR> HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. <BR> <BR> KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys. <BR> <BR> WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold. <BR> <BR> SCREE... Mon, 17 Nov 2014 07:03:54 EST Odd Spot #28 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5817431 A Chinese computer programmer spent more than $92,000 - the equivalent of about 17 years of an average worker's salary - on iPhone 6s in a bid to convince is girlfriend to marry him. He bought 99 iPhones and laid them out in a <em>247</em> shape and proposed to her in front of colleagues and friends. She said no. <BR> <em>39</em> <em>46</em> <BR> _______________________ <BR> <BR> A Florida man tried to steal a chainsaw by stuffing it down the front of his shorts and draping his T-... Sat, 15 Nov 2014 20:46:29 EST HEAVEN OR HELL. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5817039 While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Politician (redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died. <BR> <BR> His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. <BR> <BR> "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." <BR> <BR> "No problem, just let me in," says the Politician. <BR> <BR> <BR> "Well, I'd like to, but I... Sat, 15 Nov 2014 00:49:09 EST Odd Spot #27 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5813446 Students at the University of Pennsylvania will be able to study a course called "Wasting time on the internet" at degree level from next year. Those who enrol will be required to stare at the screen for 3 hours at a time and turn what is perceived as aimless surfing into something productive. <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> _______________________ <BR> <BR> So much do dirty clothes and unwashed students go together that Birmingham City University, England has issued a how-to guide on how to do l... Sun, 9 Nov 2014 07:58:02 EST My Doctor. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5812903 Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you <BR> want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again. <BR> <BR> He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he <BR> realized she was Chinese. <BR> <BR> Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, <BR> the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. <BR> <BR> While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, ther... Sat, 8 Nov 2014 03:39:35 EST The Doctor’s Waiting Room http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5812286 <BR> They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there and you say in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it’s embarrassing. <BR> There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. <BR> I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. <BR> <BR> An 86-year old man walked into a crowded Doctor’s Waiting Room. As he approached the desk the receptionist said “yes... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 00:16:40 EST Odd Spot #26. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5807414 Dubai commuters are being given the chance to win spectacular prizes, including gold, if they travel by public transport. The emirate's transport authority will offer incentives totalling hundreds of thousands of dollars as part of Public Transport Day this week in a bid to cut traffic congestion. <BR> <em>434</em> <BR> ________________________ <BR> <BR> A flower pot, used for years as a goalpost in children's games of indoor soccer in Grimsby, England, was sold at auction for $1.2 mill... Thu, 30 Oct 2014 08:44:57 EST The Mail Order Catalogue http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5805490 <BR> Just love the Irish! <BR> <BR> <BR> Two IRISHMEN were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models. <BR> <BR> <BR> One said to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?' <BR> <BR> The second one replies, <BR> 'Yes, they are very beautiful. <BR> And look at the price!' <BR> <BR> The first one says, with wide eyes, <BR> 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. <BR> At this price, I'm buying one.' <BR> <BR> The second one smiles and pats him on... Mon, 27 Oct 2014 07:43:36 EST Sorry Boss, I'm a Bit Stuck http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5804888 The oddest excuses US workers have given for missing work include: <BR> getting stuck in a blood pressure machine <BR> and accidentally boarding a plane. <BR> <BR> CareerBuilder, a US-based job website, said its annual survey of workers and hiring managers found the strangest excuses given to bosses for missing work included: <BR> having just put a casserole in the oven, <BR> plastic surgery requiring extra "tweaking", <BR> a broken ankle resulting from a woman's legs falling asleep whi... Sun, 26 Oct 2014 07:34:35 EST