ILOVEROSES's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=ILOVEROSES ILOVEROSES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ The guys from the Commonwealth. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6298411 Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England, looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage. <BR> <BR> They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty. <BR> <BR> <BR> She says to them: "Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen." <BR> <BR> After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: "It is also important that... Sun, 15 Jan 2017 08:08:11 EST I'll be waiting on the front porch! .... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6296545 On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. <BR> For this I will give you a life span of twenty years. <BR> The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" <BR> <BR> And God said that it was good. <BR> <BR> On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twen... Thu, 12 Jan 2017 08:28:34 EST Please Miss can you help me on with my boots ! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6294923 The Winter Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.) <BR> <BR> Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. <BR> <BR> <BR> Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. <BR> By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, <BR> <BR> <BR> 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 9 Jan 2017 22:03:30 EST Mexican maid http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6292348 The Mexican maid asks for a raise. <BR> <BR> The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. <BR> <BR> She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" <BR> <BR> Maria: "Well, Seniora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." <BR> <BR> "The first is that I iron better than you." <BR> <BR> Wife: "Who said you iron better than me? <BR> <BR> Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." <BR> <BR> Wife: "Oh yeah?" <BR> <BR> Maria: "The ... Fri, 6 Jan 2017 04:53:51 EST Black Testicles http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6290130 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet". <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicle... Tue, 3 Jan 2017 07:09:58 EST Best Regards http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6288409 <BR> I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. <BR> So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on her advice I wish to say the following:............. <BR> <BR> <BR> Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice ho... Sun, 1 Jan 2017 07:22:29 EST WIFE EMAIL http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6287635 Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. <BR> I have a confession to make. <BR> I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck <BR> up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling <BR> you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you <BR> knowing. <BR> <BR> The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're <BR> not around. In fact, probably more than you. <BR> I haven't been getting it at home rec... Fri, 30 Dec 2016 20:28:11 EST Senior Discount! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6285841 An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. <BR> <BR> "I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model." <BR> <BR> "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how co... Tue, 27 Dec 2016 07:13:54 EST The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6284696 The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. <BR> <BR> <BR> Here are the winners: <BR> <BR> 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time <BR> <BR> 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. <BR> <BR> 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refu... Fri, 23 Dec 2016 23:52:19 EST Friends outside of Facebook http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6284332 <BR> For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: <BR> I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in t... Thu, 22 Dec 2016 22:13:29 EST Eye Test for Driver's Licence. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6283221 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters <BR> <BR> <BR> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. <BR> <BR> 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' <BR> <BR> ************************ <BR> <BR> <BR> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. <BR> <BR> We have a case of gon... Tue, 20 Dec 2016 07:24:10 EST GETTING OLDER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6282765 A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. <BR> <BR> There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, <BR> <BR> <BR> "I'm wondering, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.." <BR> <BR> *************... Mon, 19 Dec 2016 05:15:56 EST HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6282400 George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He said "No," but some people are breaking into my... Sun, 18 Dec 2016 08:55:53 EST Your Yearly Dementia Test! (only 4 questions this year) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6281886 Can you pass the test? Scroll down, read and answer each question, then scroll down some more for the correct answer. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test. <BR> <BR> Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. <BR> As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your las... Fri, 16 Dec 2016 22:52:39 EST Obama, Hillary and Trump at the gates of heaven. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6281571 <BR> Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the gates of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." <BR> <BR> <BR> God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen". <... Fri, 16 Dec 2016 06:39:32 EST Irish Hunting Trip http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6280762 Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week, hunting moose. <BR> <BR> They managed to bag 6. <BR> As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. <BR> The two lads objected strongly. <BR> "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." <BR> <BR> Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. <BR> <BR... Wed, 14 Dec 2016 08:02:08 EST Lee Trevino: Why I Mow My Own Lawn http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6269674 One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did. <BR> <BR> A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?" <BR> <BR> Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do." <BR> <BR> The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?" <BR> <BR> Lee said, "Well, the woman in t... Sun, 20 Nov 2016 07:38:12 EST Eye-Opening Predictions. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6269252 In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt. What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 years – and most people won't see it coming. <BR> <BR> <BR> Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on film again? <BR> <BR> <BR> Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed ... Sat, 19 Nov 2016 06:06:16 EST This is Priceless! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6268723 What is meant by the modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS'.. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum <BR> in Independence, Missouri. The following are copies of four telegrams between <BR> President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual <BR> signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received... Fri, 18 Nov 2016 00:09:08 EST A RUSSIAN MILITARY ACADEMY LECTURE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6267740 The commanding officer at the Russian Military Academy (the equivalent of a 4-star U.S. general) gave a lecture on 'Potential Problems and Military Strategy.' At the end of the lecture, he asked, are there any questions? <BR> <BR> An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?" <BR> <BR> The general answered both questions in the affirmative. <BR> <BR> Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?" <BR> <BR> The general replied, "... Wed, 16 Nov 2016 08:11:19 EST Joke of the Day. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6267018 Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local Town Hall where a flower show was in progress. <BR> <BR> One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" <BR> <BR> "You're on!" said her friend, holding up $5. <BR> <BR> As fast as she could, the first old lady stripped off her clothes and streaked through the front door of the flower show. <BR> <BR> Waiting outside, her... Mon, 14 Nov 2016 22:27:17 EST Pulled over at @ 2 a.m. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6264218 <BR> Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. <BR> <BR> and was asked where he was going at that time of night. <BR> <BR> <BR> Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and <BR> <BR> the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." <BR> <BR> The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" <BR> <BR> Ron replied, "That would be my wife." <BR> Wed, 9 Nov 2016 07:13:09 EST RULES AT THE SENIORS COMPLEX http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6262650 "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." <BR> <BR> She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" <BR> <BR> At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?” <BR> <em>100</em> Sun, 6 Nov 2016 07:24:20 EST I M i s s B i l l ? ? ? ? ? ? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6262146 It doesn’t matter what party you belong to, this is good-natured political humour from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> “Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> * He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> * He played the sax. <BR> <BR> <BR> * He smoked weed. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> * He had his way with ugly white women. <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Sat, 5 Nov 2016 04:39:07 EST NON-SMARTISMS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6258741 Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. <BR> <BR> A room temperature IQ. <BR> <BR> A photographic memory, but his lens cap is glued on. <BR> <BR> Fell out of the family tree. <BR> <BR> Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking. <BR> <BR> Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. <BR> <BR> Not the sharpest tool in the box. <BR> <BR> The lights are on but nobody is home. <BR> <BR> Not the brightest bulb on the tree. <BR> <BR> Two bricks shy... Sat, 29 Oct 2016 08:28:21 EST Best Camp Letter http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6257393 How to reassure parents . . . <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Dear Mum, <BR> <BR> Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. <BR> <BR> We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, <BR> <BR> none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. <BR> <BR> Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. <BR> <BR> ... Wed, 26 Oct 2016 10:37:17 EST Subject: 9 important facts to remember as we grow older! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6255703 Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world. <BR> <BR> <BR> Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted. <BR> <BR> <BR> Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. <BR> <BR> <BR> Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. <BR> <BR> <BR> Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and th... Sun, 23 Oct 2016 05:20:08 EST Your Wife! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6254858 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. <BR> <BR> King David <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. <BR> <BR> <BR> Sasha Guitry <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. <BR> <BR> If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. <BR> <BR> <BR> Socrates <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Woman inspires u... Fri, 21 Oct 2016 08:24:54 EST Your Wife! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6254856 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. <BR> <BR> King David <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. <BR> <BR> <BR> Sasha Guitry <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. <BR> <BR> If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. <BR> <BR> Socrates <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Woman inspires us to ... Fri, 21 Oct 2016 08:24:52 EST SENIOR DRIVER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6254152 <BR> My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. <BR> <BR> <BR> He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore." <BR>... Wed, 19 Oct 2016 19:15:39 EST A Glass of Wine <em>181</em> http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6253298 <BR> A Glass of Wine at Night before turning in! <BR> <BR> <BR> A single glass of this NEW Wine for Seniors each night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night’s sleep. <BR> <BR> <BR> Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will b... Tue, 18 Oct 2016 06:08:49 EST The Back Nine - And Then It Is Winter http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6252702 THE BACK NINE <BR> <BR> <BR> I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL & WAS READING FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER READING SLOWER AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD. THIS EMAIL IS VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK. <BR> READ SLOWLY! <BR> <BR> AND THEN IT IS WINTER <BR> <BR> You know ... time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new l... Mon, 17 Oct 2016 01:40:07 EST THE HAIRCUT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6250293 <BR> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. <BR> <BR> <BR> After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I <BR> <BR> <BR> cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' <BR> <BR> <BR> The florist was pleased and left the shop. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a <BR> <BR> <BR> 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Wed, 12 Oct 2016 07:52:58 EST POLITICS. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6249694 In every joke there is some truth--these are for our political season. <BR> <BR> <BR> If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno~ <BR> <BR> <BR> The problem with political jokes is they get elected. <BR> <BR> <BR> ~Henry Cate, VII~ (How true. Ed) <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. <BR> <BR> <BR> ~Aesop~ <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State ... Tue, 11 Oct 2016 02:58:51 EST Points to Ponder http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6249005 <BR> The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. <BR> <BR> <BR> My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. <BR> <BR> <BR> My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 lbs I've gained since then. <BR> <BR> <BR> I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just gi... Sun, 9 Oct 2016 20:39:57 EST PARAPROSDOKIANS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6248510 Now if someone could just explain how to pronounce this new word! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected. <BR> <BR> Winston Churchill loved them. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Some examples: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. If I agre... Sat, 8 Oct 2016 20:43:51 EST Even God Enjoys a Good Laugh! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6176190 There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: <BR> <BR> 1. He called everyone brother. <BR> <BR> 2. He liked Gospel. <BR> <BR> 3. He didn't get a fair trial. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: <BR> <BR> 1. He went into His Father's business. <BR> <BR> 2. He lived at home until he was 33. <BR> <BR> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> But then there were 3 ... Sat, 4 Jun 2016 07:19:55 EST Two more sleeps! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6175662 It's again this time of the year when we make our pilgrimage to Scotland! <BR> Of course, we don't just fly there for a couple of weeks and then come home. We usually make it a 6-8 weeks holiday. <BR> <BR> This time we start with a 2 week <em>340</em> of Baltic Capitals on Celebrity Silhouette. It's a much larger ship than any of the previous ones we've done. <BR> <BR> We leave home on Sunday morning and after about 33 hours we touch down on Monday morning in Amsterdam! After spending ... Fri, 3 Jun 2016 09:18:31 EST It is best to whisper!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6175565 A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. <BR> He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? <BR> <BR> <BR> The girl replied, in a loud voice, <BR> <BR> <BR> "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" <BR> <BR> <BR> All the people in the library started staring at the man, <BR> <BR> <BR> now deeply embarrassed, who moved to another table. <BR> <BR> <BR> After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table <BR> <BR> <BR> and sa... Fri, 3 Jun 2016 06:00:12 EST What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6174309 Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................ <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" <BR> <BR> <BR> The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" <BR> <BR> <BR> The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. <BR> <BR> If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? <BR> <BR> Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? <BR> <BR> O... Wed, 1 Jun 2016 09:29:55 EST 50 years makes a big difference! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6173026 1966: Long hair <BR> <BR> 2016: Longing for hair <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: KEG <BR> <BR> 2016: EKG <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: Acid rock <BR> <BR> 2016: Acid reflux <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: Moving to California because it's cool <BR> <BR> 2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor <BR> <BR> 2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: Seeds and stems <BR> <B... Mon, 30 May 2016 11:33:44 EST Vitamin F ... a necessity of life!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6171845 <BR> The following goes for family too... <BR> <BR> <BR> Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character? How is it possible that I can get along with them all? <BR> <BR> I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me. With one of them I am polite. With another I joke, with another I can be a bit naughty... I can sit down and talk about serious matters with one. <BR> With another I laugh a lot. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I li... Sat, 28 May 2016 10:04:33 EST Vet’s Nightmare http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6170668 A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbour was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, unable to disengage. Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called her vet, who answered... Thu, 26 May 2016 09:46:47 EST IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6169035 FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE <BR> <BR> IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE <BR> <BR> ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 23 May 2016 19:40:43 EST Delta Flight 15...The story you probably never heard about. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6167340 It has been 15 years since 9/11 and here is a wonderful story about that terrible day. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Delta Flight 15... (true story) Even Snopes.com verified it. <BR> <BR> Here is an amazing story from a flight attendant on Delta Flight 15, written following 9-11: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> On the morning of Tuesday, September 11, we were about 5 hours out of Frankfurt, flying over the North Atlantic. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> All of a sudden the curtains parted and I was told to go to... Sat, 21 May 2016 06:25:11 EST AAADD - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6164802 Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. <BR> <BR> Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! <BR> <BR> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. <BR> <BR> <BR> This is how it manifests itself: <BR> <BR> I decide to water my garden. <BR> <BR> As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. <BR> <BR> As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the po... Tue, 17 May 2016 11:13:19 EST The Lolly(Candy) With The Little Hole. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6163191 This should make you smile. You have to love little kids. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The first grade children began to identify the flavors by their color: <BR> <BR> Red.................Cherry <BR> Yellow.............Lemon <BR> Green.... .........Lime <BR> Orange ..........Orange <BR> <BR> Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. <BR> <BR> None of the children could identify the taste. <BR> The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes... Sun, 15 May 2016 04:25:16 EST NEVER ASSUME ... ALWAYS ASK!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6161678 <BR> His request approved, the 'Bulletin' Newspaper Photographer quickly used his Mobile- phone to call the Townsville Airport to charter a flight. <BR> He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. <BR> <BR> Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. <BR> He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" <BR> <BR> The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. <BR> <BR> Once in th... Thu, 12 May 2016 18:52:53 EST Be careful what you wish for... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6159646 An atheist was walking through the woods. <BR> <BR> 'What majestic trees! <BR> 'What powerful rivers! <BR> 'What beautiful animals! <BR> He said to himself. <BR> <BR> Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. <BR> <BR> He turned to look .... . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. <BR> He ran as fast as he could along the path. <BR> He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him .... <BR> <BR> He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear ... Mon, 9 May 2016 20:15:24 EST Psychiatrist vs. Bartender http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6157852 Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. <BR> So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think <BR> there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.” <BR> <BR> “Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three <BR> times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”; <BR> <BR> “How much do you charge?” <BR> <BR> “Eighty dollars per visit,” replied th... Fri, 6 May 2016 21:53:05 EST