ILOVEROSES's SparkPeople Blog ILOVEROSES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Feeling smarter yet? If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.. <BR> <BR> ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) <BR> <BR> Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? <BR> <BR> Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we canno... Sat, 6 Feb 2016 22:43:08 EST WHAT STARTS WITH 'F' & ENDS IN 'K' ? A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. <BR> <BR> The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. <BR> <BR> My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! <BR> <BR> I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Ms. Brooks had enough. <BR> <BR> She took Harry to the principal's office. <BR> <BR> While Harry waited in the outer off... Fri, 5 Feb 2016 07:13:27 EST Traffic Camera A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. <BR> <BR> <BR> He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. <BR> <BR> <BR> Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. <BR> <BR> <BR> Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He t... Wed, 3 Feb 2016 07:51:29 EST Should be in the dictionary. <BR> These fit so well they should be in a dictionary. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ADULT: <BR> A person who has stopped growing at both ends <BR> and is now growing in the middle. <BR> <BR> <BR> BEAUTY PARLOR: <BR> A place where women curl up and dye. <BR> <BR> <BR> CHICKENS: <BR> The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. <BR> <BR> <BR> COMMITTEE: <BR> A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. <BR> <BR> <BR> DUST: <BR> Mud with the juice squeezed... Sun, 31 Jan 2016 08:22:50 EST INTERESTING OBSERVATION .......... <BR> 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL. <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. <BR> <BR> <BR> And.... <BR> <BR> <BR> 6. The sport of choice for cor... Thu, 28 Jan 2016 05:55:26 EST They Walk Among Us! A guy bought a new fridge for his house. <BR> <BR> To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung aSign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' <BR> <BR> For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. <BR> <BR> He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal <BR> <BR> So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' <BR> <BR> <BR> The next day someone stole it! <BR> <BR> <BR> They wal... Tue, 26 Jan 2016 08:27:39 EST Greetings from Santiago Airport Just arrived in Santiago and have a 3 hours wait for our next flight to Lima. According to my watch its 1:30 am Monday but here it's 11:30 am Sunday! I am sleepy but won't get a chance for a shut eye until we arrive at our hotel in about 5-6 hours. <BR> <BR> The flight from Sydney was ok but am very disappointed with Qantas 747-400 plane, it should be retired! So many things didn't work for us, had to move seats twice just so I could have an overhead light and a personal screen that would wo... Sun, 6 Dec 2015 11:06:15 EST Two more sleeps! Part 2. Well....another day gone and in less than 7 hours I have to get up to go to the airport for our flight to Lima. According to Qantas Airlines it will be 23 hours from Melbourne to Lima! <em>40</em> <BR> <BR> It's been a very hot day today, 31 deg C or 90F. I am hoping we will get summer weather in Peru except of course in the higher areas. <BR> <BR> To answer Phebe, we arrive in Machu Picchu on 16th and return to Cusco afternoon of 17th. We are staying at El Mapi Hotel for the night. ... Sat, 5 Dec 2015 09:14:08 EST Two more sleeps! Part 1. It's time for our next overseas adventure. <BR> <BR> On Sunday morning we fly to Lima, Peru for a 2 week tour of the country. On Monday we take a 5 hour sightseeing tour exploring the most impressive sights of Lima. We are gonna stop at the historic Hotel Bolivar where the barman will show us how to mix Peru's national drink, the 'Pisco Sour'. Of course, we get a chance to taste it first <em>181</em> <BR> <BR> We then fly out to Arequipa and take a walking tour of the town known by th... Fri, 4 Dec 2015 08:06:31 EST Blood Transfusions alert MEDICAL UPDATE <BR> Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! <BR> This is good to know. <BR> <BR> MEDICAL ALERT! <BR> Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. <BR> <BR> It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. <BR> <BR> Just thought you'd like to know. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED, ... Tue, 1 Dec 2015 07:22:31 EST What LOVE Means to 4-8 Year Old Kids ... A group of professional people posed this question <BR> to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The answers they got were broader, deeper, <BR> and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined ! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> See what you think: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 'When my grandmother <BR> got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint <BR> her toenails anymore.. So my <BR> grandfather does it for her all the time , even <BR> when his hands ... Tue, 24 Nov 2015 01:40:22 EST Examples of wonderful English from around the world In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. <BR>... Sun, 15 Nov 2015 08:46:18 EST Some more humour QUOTE OF THE DECADE: <BR> <BR> <BR> A liberal's paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. <BR> <BR> <BR> And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called Prison." <BR> <BR> Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Phoenix <BR> <BR> *********************** <BR> <B... Thu, 12 Nov 2015 07:29:14 EST Anyone for humour??? I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. <BR> <BR> <BR> Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat. <BR> <BR> <BR> To top it off, it was raining so I couldn’t go for a walk, bike or run. <BR> <BR> <BR> The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn’t go anywhere in the car. <BR> <BR> <BR> I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needed pow... Wed, 11 Nov 2015 06:53:07 EST Murphy's Real Laws 1. Everyone has a photographic memory--some don't have film. <BR> <BR> 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. <BR> <BR> 3. A day without sunshine is like, well . . , night. <BR> <BR> 4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. <BR> <BR> 5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? <BR> <BR> 6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. <BR> <BR> 7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty. <BR> <BR> 8. Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember 2/3 ... Sun, 8 Nov 2015 07:12:02 EST Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. <BR> So, what do you do? <BR> <BR> You opt for Medicare Part G <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. <BR> You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. <BR> <BR> This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your h... Fri, 6 Nov 2015 07:56:39 EST British Pub……. The George and Dragon An oldie but a goodie. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a <BR> roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. <BR> The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some <BR> victuals?" He asked. <BR> The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. <BR> "Could I have a pint of ale?" <BR> "No!" she shouted. <BR> "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" <BR> "No!" she shou... Fri, 16 Oct 2015 09:16:22 EST Lovemaking Tips for Seniors. <BR> <BR> 1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually who you think they are and is really in the bed. <BR> <BR> 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. <BR> <BR> 3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!) <BR> <BR> 4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin. <BR> <BR> 5. Write partner’s name on your hand in big letters and permanent marker in case you can’t remember... <BR> <BR> 6. Use extra poly-grip so your teeth don'... Sun, 11 Oct 2015 05:22:09 EST This Is A Keeper I grew up with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed aluminium foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen before they had a name for it. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. <BR> <BR> <BR> Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in t... Sat, 10 Oct 2015 08:09:49 EST "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." <BR> <BR> IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA.............. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. <BR> <BR> HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, <BR> <BR> "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. <BR> <BR> BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE M... Thu, 8 Oct 2015 22:34:25 EST Behind every man there's a woman telling him what to do! Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. <BR> <BR> She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. <BR> <BR> She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. <BR> Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. <BR> <BR> Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, <BR>... Thu, 8 Oct 2015 07:36:10 EST Glasgow Copper. A smart ar*e London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. <BR> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. <BR> <BR> He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!! <BR> <BR> Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please." <BR> London Lawyer says, "What for?" <BR> Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to ... Tue, 6 Oct 2015 07:42:44 EST An Obituary Printed in the London 'Times' Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: <BR> <BR> - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; <BR> - Why the early bird gets the worm; <BR> - Life isn't always fair; <BR> - And maybe it was my fault. <BR> <BR> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financ... Sun, 4 Oct 2015 19:08:03 EST Weed Wacker. Two Rednecks, Jim and Dave, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. <BR> <BR> Jim turns to Dave and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. <BR> Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' <BR> <BR> Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. <BR> <BR> The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. ... Thu, 1 Oct 2015 08:41:18 EST PHILOSOPHERS OF THE 20TH CENTURY ~ John Glenn... <BR> As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ~ Desmond Tutu... <BR> When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. <BR> They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. <BR> When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ~ David Letterman... <BR> America is the only country where a significant propo... Sun, 27 Sep 2015 08:39:57 EST The $2.99 Special! I love it! If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet, <BR> God willing... someday you will be. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. <BR> <BR> 'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.' <BR> <BR> 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ord... Sat, 26 Sep 2015 01:07:14 EST One More Sleep! Well, it's Monday just after midnight and in about 11 hours we leave home for the airport on our next Scottish Pilgrimage <em>211</em> When you do it every July for the past 10 years you can call it a pilgrimage, right?! <BR> <BR> It is time to see our beautiful granddaughters for the next 3 weeks. That's the only time we can do it, when they have their summer holidays, if you could call it summer the weather they have up there. I spoke to my DD on Wednesday and she told me it was about ... Sun, 26 Jul 2015 10:33:33 EST Facebook explained <BR> For those of my generation who do not really comprehend Facebook . <BR> <BR> Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. <BR> <BR> Every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. <BR> <BR> Then I give them pictures of my family, my friends, my dog and of me gardening and spending time in my pool. <BR> <BR> I also listen t... Fri, 24 Jul 2015 23:43:27 EST TRUE STORY... At the prodding of my friends I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Honor. <BR> <BR> I am a former elementary school Music Teacher from Des Moines, Iowa. <BR> <BR> I have always supplemented my income by Teaching Piano Lessons... <BR> <BR> Something I have done for over 30 years. <BR> <BR> During those years I found that children have many levels of musical ability, and even though I have never had the prodigy, I have taught some very talented students. <BR> <BR> However, I have al... Wed, 22 Jul 2015 04:48:45 EST Joke of the Week. The mayor of the Greek town visited a Spanish town. <BR> <BR> When he saw the palatial mansion of the Spanish mayor, he asked how on earth he could afford such a house. <BR> <BR> The Spaniard replied: "You see that bridge over there? The European Union gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single-lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place." <BR> <BR> The following year, the mayor from Spain visited his Greek counterpart. He was sim... Sat, 18 Jul 2015 22:18:47 EST The Pickle Slicer Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. <BR> <BR> <BR> For many years he had a powerful desire to put his <BR> <BR> <BR> penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, <BR> <BR> <BR> he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. <BR> <BR> <BR> After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised <BR> <BR> <BR> Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never <BR> <BR> <BR> have any peace of mind. <BR> <BR> <BR> The next d... Fri, 17 Jul 2015 21:19:46 EST Wonderful English from Around the World In a Bangkok Temple <BR> IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. <BR> <BR> Cocktail lounge, Norway: <BR> LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. <BR> <BR> Doctor's office, Rome <BR> SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. <BR> <BR> Dry cleaners, Bangkok : <BR> DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. <BR> <BR> In a Nairobi restaurant: <BR> CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. <BR> <BR> On the main road to Mo... Thu, 16 Jul 2015 09:04:12 EST Random Thoughts Regarding Sex… <BR> <BR> "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. <BR> <BR> Rodney Dangerfield <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." <BR> Lynn Lavner <BR> <BR> <BR> "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” <BR> Camille Paglia <BR> <BR> <BR> "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimporta... Tue, 14 Jul 2015 20:24:16 EST LARRY. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. <BR> <BR> She began her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!’ <BR> <BR> After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. <BR> <BR> The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' <BR> <BR> 'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!' <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. <BR> 'Why do you do that, ... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 08:55:23 EST This is Brilliant!! A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, <BR> <BR> who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind. <BR> <BR> <BR> Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?" <BR> <BR> Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" <BR> <BR> Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, <BR> <BR> I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me th... Fri, 10 Jul 2015 09:53:12 EST Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls. Distinction Between Guts and Balls (As in “that guy really has guts” or “he really has balls”) <BR> <BR> There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. <BR> We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? <BR> In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: <BR> <BR> <BR> GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you... Thu, 9 Jul 2015 09:25:01 EST The Cat That Went To Heaven. A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, <BR> 'You have been a good cat all these years. <BR> Anything you want is yours for the asking.' <BR> <BR> The cat thought for a minute and then said 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.' <BR> <BR> God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. <BR> <BR> A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all... Wed, 1 Jul 2015 10:13:51 EST The Irish Furniture Dealer. Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. <BR> <BR> <BR> After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. <BR> <BR> To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. <em>181</em> <BR> <BR> <BR> As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small plac... Tue, 30 Jun 2015 09:15:44 EST Drunk Driver - True Story from Australia Only an Aussie could pull this one off! <BR> A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. <BR> <BR> Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. <BR> <BR> The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. <BR> <BR> The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. <BR> <BR> After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the m... Sun, 28 Jun 2015 09:13:39 EST What a nice story! A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. <BR> He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. <BR> As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. <BR> <BR> <BR> He looked down into the eyes of a little boy. <BR> <BR> "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." <BR> <BR> "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and co... Wed, 24 Jun 2015 07:26:47 EST Two Irishmen. <BR> <BR> Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill. <BR> <BR> <BR> One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. <BR> <BR> Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. <BR> <BR> Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". <BR> <BR> Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. <... Sat, 13 Jun 2015 23:57:51 EST Car Trouble A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.. She tells the mechanic it died. <BR> <BR> <BR> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. <BR> <BR> <BR> She says, 'What's the story?' <BR> <BR> <BR> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' <BR> <BR> <BR> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Editor's Note: Obviously an old joke. Fuel injection replaced carburetors years ago. <BR> <BR> <BR> But a blonde wouldn't know th... Tue, 9 Jun 2015 09:52:54 EST SIMPLE TRUTHS SIMPLE TRUTH #1 <BR> <BR> Lovers help each other undress before sex. <BR> <BR> However after sex, they always dress on their own. <BR> <BR> Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> SIMPLE TRUTH #2 <BR> <BR> When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats". <BR> <BR> But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job". <BR> <BR> Moral of the story: "Hard work is rarely appreciated." <BR> <BR>... Sat, 6 Jun 2015 10:09:50 EST Breakfast. <BR> I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, <BR> <BR> <BR> “What day is tomorrow?" <BR> <BR> <BR> Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" .. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" .. <BR> <BR> <BR> I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White Hous... Fri, 5 Jun 2015 10:51:52 EST The Gay Cowboy. A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. <BR> <BR> She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. <BR> <BR> Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. <BR> <BR> She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than... Thu, 4 Jun 2015 09:05:46 EST THE OLDER WOMAN Last night, at the club, I ended up chatting and having a few drinks with 'an older woman'. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> In fact, for a 61 year old, I thought she looked pretty well OK. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that if she had a daughter, she'd be pretty cool to know. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle … <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> … and that's when she asked if I'd ever experienced a 'Sportsman's Doubl... Wed, 3 Jun 2015 09:11:35 EST Your Parking Officer's Funeral! As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at your Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams . . . . .; <BR> <BR> "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" <BR> <BR> The Vicar smiles; leans forward, and sucking air through his teeth mutters . . . . . <BR> <BR> "Too bloody late pal, I've already done the paperwork" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> You're smiling . . . . . <BR> <BR> <BR> Good for You ! <BR> <em>334</em> Tue, 2 Jun 2015 00:31:25 EST Understanding unemployment Believe it or not, this gives you one of the best explanations of our current unemployment. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America . <BR> <BR> ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%. <BR> <BR> COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? <BR> <BR> ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%. <BR> <BR> COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%. <BR> <BR> ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed. <BR> <BR> COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work. <BR> <BR> ABBOTT:... Sun, 31 May 2015 10:11:31 EST Prostate Exam An old Jewish guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. <BR> <BR> <BR> When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. <BR> <BR> <BR> The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. <BR> <BR> <BR> I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, <B... Sat, 30 May 2015 22:09:10 EST Medical examination <BR> During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." <BR> <BR> <BR> The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!" <BR> <em>20</em> <em>100</em> <BR> Sat, 30 May 2015 09:50:08 EST