ILOVEROSES's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=ILOVEROSES ILOVEROSES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Human Resources http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6439149 One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. <BR> <BR> “Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an HR manager make it this far and we’re really not sure what to do with you.” <BR> <BR> “No problem, just let me in,” said the woman. <BR> <BR> “... Sun, 10 Dec 2017 18:38:21 EST Zoo Keeper http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6438897 A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. <BR> <BR> First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade. <BR> Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. <BR> <BR> Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He... Sat, 9 Dec 2017 21:24:17 EST The Fence Repair - Australian style !! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6438467 <BR> Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. <BR> <BR> One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove. <BR> <BR> All three go with an official to examine the fence. <BR> <BR> The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure does some measuring, then works some figure with a pencil. <BR> "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." <BR> <BR>... Fri, 8 Dec 2017 07:07:04 EST POTATOES http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6437195 POTATOES <BR> <BR> WELL, A GIRL POTATO AND BOY POTATO HAD EYES FOR EACH OTHER, AND FINALLY THEY GOT MARRIED, AND HAD A LITTLE SWEET POTATO, WHICH THEY CALLED 'YAM'. <BR> <BR> OF COURSE, THEY WANTED THE BEST FOR YAM. <BR> WHEN IT WAS TIME, THEY TOLD HER ABOUT THE FACTS OF LIFE. THEY WARNED HER ABOUT GOING OUT AND GETTING HALF-BAKED, SO SHE WOULDN'T GET ACCIDENTALLY MASHED, AND GET A BAD NAME FOR HERSELF LIKE 'HOT POTATO'. <BR> <BR> YAM SAID: " NOT TO WORRY, NO SPUD WOULD GET HER INTO THE S... Mon, 4 Dec 2017 01:01:02 EST God's Plan for Ageing http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6431910 <BR> Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. <BR> <BR> Then... Thu, 16 Nov 2017 08:27:53 EST My Goldfish http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6427444 Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, “What are you up to, Nancy?” <BR> <BR> “My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” <BR> <BR> The neighbor commented, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” <BR> <BR> Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied… “That’s because he’s inside your lou... Thu, 2 Nov 2017 09:55:50 EST A Halloween story a few days early http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6425433 A Dark and Stormy Night <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> This will Make Your Day <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania . <BR> They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning. <BR> Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. <BR> Suddenly, the car skids out of control! <BR> Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The... Fri, 27 Oct 2017 00:55:48 EST Engineers.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6424826 <BR> <BR> An Engineer dies, and goes to Hell. <BR> <BR> Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. <BR> <BR> After a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. <BR> The engineer is a pretty popular guy. <BR> <BR> <BR> One day God rings down and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" <BR> <BR> <BR> Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and t... Wed, 25 Oct 2017 06:03:28 EST THE PROPER WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BA*TARD . . . http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6422926 A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. <BR> <BR> The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. <BR> <BR> They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" <BR> <BR> <BR> The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. <BR> <BR> The second guy won the remaining sixteen... Thu, 19 Oct 2017 08:21:10 EST THE PREACHER AND THE KU KLUX KLAN http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6421224 <BR> <BR> An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. <BR> This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. <BR> I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. <BR> Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me a... Fri, 13 Oct 2017 22:04:41 EST A few Irish jokes. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6420614 It's been a couple of months since I posted my last blog before going on holidays. <BR> Seeing that I visited Dublin, besides Scotland, England, Holland, Isle of Man, Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland and lastly Boston I thought these will be appropriate. <BR> <BR> <BR> An Irishman's first drink with his son. <BR> <BR> While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only t... Thu, 12 Oct 2017 00:50:34 EST Short Stories http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6395906 These twelve short stories are all very good stories and make us think twice about the daily happenings in our lives as we deal with others!! <BR> <BR> 1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said; <BR> "Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile." <BR> -------------------------- <BR> 2. Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful b... Fri, 4 Aug 2017 10:28:59 EST A biker & God http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6394174 A man on his Harley was riding along a Victorian beach road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, <BR> <BR> God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." <BR> <BR> The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want." <BR> <BR> God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching th... Mon, 31 Jul 2017 09:37:00 EST Civilization in 2017- this is priceless!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6393271 � Our Phones - Wireless <BR> <BR> � Cooking - Fireless <BR> <BR> � Cars - Keyless <BR> <BR> � Food - Fatless <BR> <BR> � Tires -Tubeless <BR> <BR> � Dress - Sleeveless <BR> <BR> � Youth - Jobless <BR> <BR> � Leaders - Shameless <BR> <BR> � Relationships - Meaningless <BR> <BR> � Attitudes - Careless <BR> <BR> � Babies - Fatherless <BR> <BR> � Feelings - Heartless <BR> <BR> � Education - Valueless <BR> <BR> � Children – Mannerless <BR> <BR> � Bills - Paperless <BR> <BR> <BR... Fri, 28 Jul 2017 22:00:33 EST Need A New PC ? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6392237 You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. <BR> <BR> For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... <BR> <BR> If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ABBOTT: Super Duper com... Wed, 26 Jul 2017 09:49:39 EST Doctors. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6391395 True stories from Doctors... <BR> <BR> A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby <BR> in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the <BR> lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I <BR> noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. <BR> <BR> Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX <BR> _________________________ <BR> <BR> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly <BR> and slightly deaf ... Mon, 24 Jul 2017 10:09:52 EST WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN WHEN WE PRAY? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6389729 One of the nicest e-mails ever: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets... Thu, 20 Jul 2017 08:55:32 EST Short Story! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6387884 A college class was told they had to write a short story in a few words as possible. <BR> <BR> The instructions were: <BR> The short story had to contain the following three things: <BR> <BR> (1) Religion <BR> (2) Sexuality <BR> (3) Mystery <BR> <BR> Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class. <BR> <BR> "Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it." Sat, 15 Jul 2017 21:29:31 EST Fashion Advice for Over 50 Crowd http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6386852 Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering near 50) are quite confused <BR> about how we should present ourselves. <BR> <BR> We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world. <BR> <BR> So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. <BR> <BR> I don't want to burst your bubble, but despi... Thu, 13 Jul 2017 09:07:58 EST HOW TO STAY YOUNG! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6385124 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. <BR> <BR> Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them. <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. Keep only cheerful friends. <BR> <BR> The grouches pull you down. (keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches) <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. Keep learning: <BR> <BR> Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, <BR> <BR> whatever. Never let the brain get idle. <BR> <BR> "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." ... Sun, 9 Jul 2017 09:19:39 EST How To Achieve Inner Peace http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6384401 I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, <BR> and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. <BR> <BR> A renowned psycho-analyst on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. <BR> <BR> So I looked around my house to see the things I'd started and hadn't finished. <BR> <BR> As a result I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, <BR> a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, ... Fri, 7 Jul 2017 09:49:29 EST Question? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6382343 Are you as moral as you think you are? <BR> <BR> This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. <BR> By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. <BR> <BR> The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. <BR> Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest. <BR> <BR> THE SITUATION: <BR> You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. <BR> There is chaos all around... Sun, 2 Jul 2017 09:38:39 EST ARE YOU A BITCH? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6381075 <BR> Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. <BR> <BR> The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist" <BR> <BR> The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, No Kids." <BR> <BR> The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... <BR> Rich, Urban, Biker." <BR> <BR> They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?'" <BR> She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... <BR> Wash, Ir... Thu, 29 Jun 2017 03:27:34 EST Gordon's pizza http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6378985 - Hello! Gordon's pizza? <BR> - No sir it's Google's pizza. <BR> <BR> - So I dialed the wrong number? <BR> - No sir, Google bought it. <BR> <BR> - OK. Take my order please .. <BR> - Well sir, you want the usual? <BR> - The usual? You know me? <BR> - According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust <BR> <BR> - OK! That is fine <BR> - May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato? <BR> - No, I hate vegetables <BR> <BR> ... Sat, 24 Jun 2017 04:01:03 EST The golfer's daughter http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6377736 <BR> <BR> A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, <BR> told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God <BR> bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." <BR> <BR> The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" <BR> The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, <BR> it just seemed like the thing to do." <BR> <BR> The next day grandpa died. <BR> The father thought it was a strange coincidence. <BR> <BR> A few months later the... Wed, 21 Jun 2017 04:42:40 EST 1st Grader Answers http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6376996 A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class. <BR> <BR> <BR> She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. <BR> <BR> <BR> It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. <BR> <BR> <BR> While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic... although sad to see it said! <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 19 Jun 2017 09:54:02 EST Work or play? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6376214 A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play, so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. <BR> <BR> <BR> After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." <BR> The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" <BR> <BR> <BR> So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this ... Sat, 17 Jun 2017 09:04:41 EST FUNNIES http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6374999 The Mexicans were asked how they felt about Trump's wall. They replied that they were quite upset but they would get over it. <BR> <BR> -------------------- <BR> <BR> Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH! <BR> <BR> Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. <BR> <BR> When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safet... Wed, 14 Jun 2017 09:04:55 EST DEAR DOCTOR: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6374092 <BR> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; True? <BR> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. <BR> Want to live longer? Take a nap. <BR> <BR> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? <BR> A: You must grasp logistical efficien... Mon, 12 Jun 2017 08:52:39 EST New hearing aid http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6373190 <BR> Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. <BR> <BR> He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. <BR> <BR> The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." <BR> <BR> To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around ... Sat, 10 Jun 2017 03:30:35 EST Blonde Payment Plan. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6372471 Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. <BR> <BR> He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. <BR> <BR> <BR> Hellllloooooo…….just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. <BR> <BR> So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE ... Thu, 8 Jun 2017 09:15:07 EST Who Does What http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6371579 <BR> A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. <BR> <BR> The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. <BR> <BR> The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." <BR> <BR> Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."... Tue, 6 Jun 2017 09:07:29 EST The Robins http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6370640 <BR> Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. <BR> <BR> <BR> "Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." <BR> <BR> <BR> They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. <BR> <BR> <BR> "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. <BR> <BR> <BR> "Me neither. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the s... Sun, 4 Jun 2017 09:33:00 EST Orientation Session http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6369691 <BR> After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The first guy responds: "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man". <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The second guy says: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful hu... Thu, 1 Jun 2017 23:21:01 EST The Emulation http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6368963 <BR> A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, ''You don't have long on this earth, Reverend. Better tell us why you asked us to come.'' <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said ''Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's the way I want to go too.'' <BR> <BR> da... Wed, 31 May 2017 09:13:54 EST The Deadliest Job in WWII http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6367994 My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. <BR> <BR> <BR> Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. <BR> After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.” <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> dailyjokes Mon, 29 May 2017 08:09:50 EST American Tourist versus Australian http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6367225 An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. <BR> The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The American blew a huge bu... Sat, 27 May 2017 09:21:33 EST The Two Penguins http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6366397 <BR> A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. <BR> He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat. <BR> <BR> He says to the man, “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car?” <BR> <BR> The man says, “I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up” <BR... Thu, 25 May 2017 09:25:24 EST Wrong Time http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6366008 Years ago when the Northern Lights were especially bright, a young man went out late one night, saw them, and thought it was the end of time. <BR> He rushed down through the community, trying to wake up people. <BR> <BR> <BR> He came to the house of an old man, started pounding on his door yelling, ''Get up! They day of Judgment has come!'' <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The old man yelled back, '' Go back to bed. Who ever heard of the Day of Judgment coming in the middle of the night?'' <BR> Wed, 24 May 2017 10:05:57 EST What’s In A Name? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6365539 <BR> Four retired ladies are playing bridge. <BR> <BR> One of them looks across at her partner and says, “I know we’ve been playing bridge every week for two years, but I can’t remember your name. Could you please tell me again?” <BR> <BR> Her partner looks at her for a long moment and finally replies, “How soon do you need to know?” <BR> <BR> DailyJokes. Tue, 23 May 2017 09:19:27 EST Job prospects. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6364633 A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects. <BR> <BR> "Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop... maybe within the next couple of years." <BR> <BR> "Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?" <BR> <BR> "Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop... given luck and God's blessing." <BR> <BR> "Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?" <BR> <BR> "Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that,... Sun, 21 May 2017 08:21:12 EST Friendship? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6363811 Friendship among Women: <BR> <BR> A woman didn't come home one night. <BR> The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. <BR> The man called his wife's 10 best friends. <BR> None of them knew anything about it. <BR> <BR> Friendship among Men: <BR> <BR> A man didn't come home one night. <BR> The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. <BR> The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. <BR> Eight confirmed that h... Fri, 19 May 2017 04:52:01 EST Little Johnny http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6363473 While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find ... Thu, 18 May 2017 09:35:01 EST Eating Ice Cream Cones http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6362614 A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you ... Tue, 16 May 2017 09:24:28 EST A Great Dentist http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6361644 A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He then took off his socks and washed his hands. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing. How did you determine that?" <BR> <BR> ... Sun, 14 May 2017 02:39:08 EST Old Couple http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6360567 An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. <BR> He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. <BR> The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wif... Thu, 11 May 2017 10:13:03 EST Another Doctor please http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6359635 Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. “I feel that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. <BR> I don’t think you have much time left. <BR> Now, is there anyone you would like to see?” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> “Who is it?” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.” <BR> <... Tue, 9 May 2017 08:05:57 EST God Loves Drunk People Too http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6358383 A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. <BR> <BR> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. <BR> <BR> "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" <BR> <BR> He slams the door and returns to bed. <BR> <BR> "Who was that?" asked his wife... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. <BR> <BR> "Did you help him?" she asks <BR> <BR> "No, I did not, it's 3a... Sat, 6 May 2017 10:14:27 EST It hurts all over! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6357935 The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot. <BR> <BR> <BR> <... Fri, 5 May 2017 08:37:40 EST Pentecostal Dog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6356545 A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. <BR> Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. <BR> They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. <BR> Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. <BR> <BR> <BR> "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought i... Tue, 2 May 2017 08:36:55 EST