ILOVEROSES's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=ILOVEROSES ILOVEROSES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Blonde joke. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5742730 A business man got on an elevator. <BR> <BR> When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, <BR> "T-G-I-F" <BR> <BR> He smiled at her and replied, <BR> "S-H-I-T" <BR> <BR> She looked puzzled and repeated, <BR> "T-G-I-F," more slowly. <BR> <BR> He again answered, <BR> "S-H-I-T." <BR> <BR> The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, <BR> "T-G-I-F." <BR> <BR> The man smiled back t... Sun, 20 Jul 2014 13:13:30 EST One more sleep! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5737180 I have finally packed my very big suitcase <em>198</em> In 12 hours I'll be at the airport waiting to board the plane taking me to my 2 gorgeous GD's <em>224</em> <BR> I have to travel 10,000 miles to babysit, but I don't mind at all. Their parents are going away to celebrate 20th anniversary so we are gonna look after the girls for the night. The accommodation, dinner, breakfast etc are our anniversary <em>144</em> for DD & SIL, with babysitting thrown in <em>211</em> <BR> <BR>... Sat, 12 Jul 2014 09:02:42 EST EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5736593 1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . ..... <BR> 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' <BR> I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. <BR> Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. <BR> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco <BR> <BR> 2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. <BR> ... Fri, 11 Jul 2014 09:25:30 EST Odd Spot #19. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5735898 A small-time criminal known as Biggie or Fatboy has been arrested for hiding drugs in his fat folds. Officers in Florida pulled over Christopher Mitchell, 42, because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt but his behaviour made them suspicious. A drugs dog found cocaine and marijuana packed into stomach folds of his 204-kilogram /449-lbs frame. <BR> <em>15</em> <BR> _____________________________ <BR> <BR> Pub owner Frances Cunningham of Congleton, Cheshire in England, has been sent a GBP100 ($1... Thu, 10 Jul 2014 08:56:15 EST Odd Spot #18. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5734903 The epitome of boredom is popularly thought to be watching paint dry. Dr Thomas Curwen, 34, has done just that in his job for a major paint company in Twyford, England, for the past four years. He says it is fascinating watching the changing colour of paint as it dries - both on walls and up close through a microscope. <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> ___________________________ <BR> <BR> Engineers Phillip Weicker and Duncan Forster hope to set a record by travelling at more than 160km/h / 100m/h... Tue, 8 Jul 2014 22:16:26 EST Don't mess with the Red-back spider. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5733010 An office receptionist got the shock of her life earlier last week when she found a 70cm long snake entangled in the web of a deadly spider. <BR> Tania Robertson, a receptionist at an electrical firm in Perth, came in to work on Tuesday and spotted the sight next to a desk in her office. <BR> The snake, which had obviously died from the spider's poisonous bite, was off the ground and caught up in the web. <BR> <BR> Leon Lotz of the Arachnology Department at the National Museum said it was... Sun, 6 Jul 2014 10:11:40 EST Budget cuts. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5732391 The AMA has weighed in on Joe Hockey’s proposed changes Australia’s health services: <BR> <BR> The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the <BR> <BR> Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. <BR> <BR> The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the <BR> <BR> Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve. <BR> <BR> The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception. <BR> <BR> Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted. <BR> <BR> Patholog... Sat, 5 Jul 2014 09:17:19 EST The Hypnotist's Therapy. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5731840 A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." <BR> <BR> "No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?" <BR> <BR> His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. <BR> He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat <BR> "I do not have a headache; <BR> I do not have a headache, <BR> I do not have a headache.." <BR> It worked! The headaches are all gone." <BR> <BR> The hu... Fri, 4 Jul 2014 09:48:30 EST Odd Spot #17. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5731152 A pit bull, normally known for its aggressive temperament, has been handed back to a dog's home because of flatulence. One-year-old Misty was adopted from a South Carolina shelter but was returned because it 'passed too much gas'. But in a happy ending, a doggy-lover prepared to put up with the gas adopted Misty a second time. <BR> ____________________________ <BR> <BR> A Norwegian artist boiled and ate his own deformed hip bone after he had to have it removed in an operation. Alexander S... Thu, 3 Jul 2014 08:56:17 EST Odd Spot #16. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5730421 Health researchers have blamed Shakespeare because language used in his plays has helped cause the social stigma linked to skin conditions. They say phrases such as "Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle" and a "pox upon him" have promoted negative attitudes towards imperfect skin. <BR> ____________________________ <BR> <BR> A Kansas woman charged with arson has told police she was trying to kill a spider. Ginny Griffith, 34, told officers she used a cigarette lighter to se... Wed, 2 Jul 2014 09:38:21 EST Odd Spot #15. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5728919 Chinese doctors have come up with a new ailment striking people across the country - World Cup syndrome. Symptoms are listlessness, tiredness and insomnia induced by the strange times that <em>131</em> games are broadcast from Brazil. In Chengdu city authorities have opened a World Cup syndrome clinic. <BR> <em>40</em> <BR> _________________________ <BR> <BR> Scratch-and-sniff cards carrying the smell of cannabis are to be sent to homes by 17 police forces in England and Wales. The i... Mon, 30 Jun 2014 09:25:14 EST Odd Spot #14. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5727644 A British crook was arrested after leaving his false teeth at the scene. Justin Stansfield helped himself to a crate of beer and ice lollies (sweets) after breaking into a garage in West Yorkshire, police said. But after taking out his false teeth to enjoy the goodies, he fled without his dentures. He has been jailed for a string of burglaries. <BR> <em>334</em> <BR> ___________________________ <BR> <BR> US Customs officers at Newark Liberty International Airport have confiscated a ba... Sat, 28 Jun 2014 10:01:44 EST Ramblings of a Retired Mind. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5727035 I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is the cell phone that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. <BR> <BR> I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think. <BR> <BR> You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. <BR> <BR> I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! <BR> <BR> ... Fri, 27 Jun 2014 10:23:30 EST INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2014 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5726186 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2014: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR... Thu, 26 Jun 2014 08:33:13 EST HOW THE FIGHT STARTED #3 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5725517 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. <BR> <BR> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. <BR> <BR> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. <BR> <BR> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. <BR> <BR> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest i... Wed, 25 Jun 2014 10:04:51 EST HOW THE FIGHT STARTED #2. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5724714 My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. <BR> <BR> I asked her, "Do you know him?" <BR> <BR> "Yes", she sighed, <BR> <BR> "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." <BR> <BR> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" <BR> <BR> And then t... Tue, 24 Jun 2014 08:55:52 EST HOW THE FIGHT STARTED. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5723303 One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... <BR> <BR> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. <BR> <BR> When she asked me why, I replied, <BR> <BR> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" <BR> <BR> And that's how the fight started... <BR> ________________________________ <BR> <BR> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. <BR> <BR> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' <... Sun, 22 Jun 2014 10:02:51 EST Calculate your age! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5722686 <BR> This is one for all you mathematicians. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Your Phone number will reveal your Age. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I do not know who discovered this? Really accurate. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> It will take about 15 seconds, read and do it at the same time so that you will not lose the fun. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> [1] Take a look at your last digit of your cell phone number <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> [2] Use this figure and multiply by 2 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> [3] Then add 5 <B... Sat, 21 Jun 2014 10:27:00 EST Jewish English. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5721092 <BR> The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Professor Shulman explains, <BR> "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated. <BR> <BR> <BR> Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' " <BR> <BR> Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scep... Thu, 19 Jun 2014 04:21:14 EST Fable of the Porcupine. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5720465 It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their <BR> compani... Wed, 18 Jun 2014 08:55:53 EST What is Politics? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5718970 Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, <BR> <BR> by promising to protect each from the other. <BR> <BR> ~Oscar Amringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. <BR> <BR> ~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, <BR> <BR> it might be better to change the ... Mon, 16 Jun 2014 09:28:19 EST HOW TO STAY YOUNG. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5718353 Stay Young My Friend <BR> <BR> We all need to read this one over and over - until it becomes part of who we are! <BR> <BR> 1. Try everything twice. <BR> On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: <BR> "Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!" <BR> <BR> 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. <BR> (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!) <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. Keep learning: <BR> Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, wha... Sun, 15 Jun 2014 10:16:21 EST Why Women Lie. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5717740 <BR> One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. <BR> When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. <BR> The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. <BR> <BR> 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked Th... Sat, 14 Jun 2014 10:00:18 EST Odd Spot #13. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5717137 A fox in Britain has stolen dozens of <em>295</em> and dumped them outside a woman's house. The problem has become so bad that Elaine Hewitt has put a shoe rack outside her home near Leeds so neighbours can reclaim their missing footwear. <BR> The fox is now leaving a shoe a day, ranging from sandals to work boots. <em>40</em> <BR> ___________________________ <BR> <BR> Jogging backwards has helped a Californian woman beat a rare neurological condition and continue her passion for runn... Fri, 13 Jun 2014 10:17:48 EST Odd Spot #12. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5716362 Crucial details in 30 New York trials went unrecorded because the court typist was writing "I hate my job. I hate my job" over and over instead, it has emerged. <BR> At least 10 convictions could be overturned after stenographer Daniel Kochanski failed to deliver the transcripts judges were expecting. <BR> _____________________________ <BR> <BR> Aaron Parfitt, 14, has been suspended from Bispham High School in Blackpool, England, for two days after leading 100 pupils in a walk-out - because... Thu, 12 Jun 2014 09:25:25 EST 'OLD' IS WHEN... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5715565 <BR> 'OLD' IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, <BR> 'Pick one; I can't do both!' <BR> <BR> <BR> 'OLD' IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. <BR> <BR> <BR> 'OLD' IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. <BR> <BR> <BR> 'OLD' IS WHEN....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. <BR> <BR> <BR> 'OLD' IS WHEN...You are cautioned to ... Wed, 11 Jun 2014 08:54:39 EST Today's Bible reading. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5714798 Today's Bible reading is from Genesis: <BR> <BR> And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the Earth. <BR> <BR> Then God made the Earth round. <BR> <BR> And she laughed. <BR> <BR> -------------------------------------- <BR> <BR> We women are angels but when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly..........on a broomstick. <BR> <BR> We are flexible like that. <BR> <BR> Tue, 10 Jun 2014 08:54:59 EST What a difference a Century makes! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5713856 <BR> The year is 1910, over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! <BR> <BR> <BR> Here are some statistics for the Year 1910: <BR> <BR> <BR> The average life expectancy for men was 47 years. <BR> <BR> <BR> Fuel for a car was sold in drug stores only. <BR> <BR> <BR> Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub. <BR> <BR> <BR> Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. <BR> <BR> <BR> There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads. <BR> <BR> <BR> T... Mon, 9 Jun 2014 02:36:16 EST Italian Funeral. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5713120 <BR> A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. <BR> A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. <BR> Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. <BR> <BR> <BR> The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached ... Sat, 7 Jun 2014 23:16:29 EST An Irishman on a diet. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5712477 An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. <BR> <BR> 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. <BR> And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. <BR> <BR> The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' <BR> <BR> When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds! <BR> <BR> <BR> 'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' ... Sat, 7 Jun 2014 01:41:36 EST Latex Gloves. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5710405 Next time you use a pair of latex gloves when you're painting or crafting, you're going to smile when you think of this: <BR> <BR> <BR> A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. <BR> <BR> <BR> 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. <BR> <BR> <BR> 'No, I don't,' she replied. <BR> <BR> <BR> 'Well, 'he spoofed', 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers o... Wed, 4 Jun 2014 09:54:40 EST Burqa Problem Solved. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5709450 How Attaturk of Turkey solved the Burqa problem. <BR> <BR> <BR> For those struggling to ban women from wearing Burqa in their countries, <BR> <BR> Mustafa Kamal, who has a nickname of "Attaturk" and who is the <BR> <BR> founder of modern Turkey resolved the problem in a very wise way. <BR> <BR> He issued the following decree: <BR> <BR> "With immediate effect, all Turkish women are privileged to wear <BR> <BR> whatever they choose, however, all prostitutes must wear a Burqa. <BR> <BR> ... Tue, 3 Jun 2014 04:00:02 EST A Camel Tale http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5708766 <BR> Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps. <BR> <BR> <BR> He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump. <BR> <BR> <BR> As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps. <BR> <BR> <BR> They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy. <BR> They finally decided on..... <BR> <BR> <BR> Are you ready for this? <BR> <BR> <BR> ' <BR> <BR... Mon, 2 Jun 2014 09:40:40 EST A new airport security device. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5707952 <BR> The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. <BR> <BR> <BR> It 's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. <BR> <BR> <BR> Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. <BR> <BR> <BR> You're in the air... Sun, 1 Jun 2014 08:55:46 EST My New Neighbour http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5707429 <BR> She's single... <BR> She lives right across the street. <BR> I can see her condo from my deck. <BR> I watched as she got home from work this evening. <BR> I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and <BR> knocked on my door. <BR> <BR> <BR> I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says, <BR> "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good <BR> time, get drunk, and make love all night long! <BR> Are you busy tonight?" <BR> <BR> <BR> I quickly r... Sat, 31 May 2014 11:19:32 EST Examples of Current British Humor ..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5706729 <BR> A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor!! <BR> <BR> <BR> A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "British National Party School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open. <BR> <BR> <BR> Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. <BR> When a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50/min (charges may vary). <BR>... Fri, 30 May 2014 10:56:25 EST Lovemaking Tips for Seniors. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5705472 <BR> 1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed. <BR> <BR> 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. <BR> <BR> 3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!) <BR> <BR> 4. Make sure you put 911or 000 (in Australia) on your speed dial before you begin. <BR> <BR> 5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.. <BR> <BR> 6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed. <BR> <BR> 7. Have Tylenol ready in ... Wed, 28 May 2014 19:44:14 EST Small deli. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5704862 <BR> <BR> The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. <BR> <BR> <BR> "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" <BR> <BR> "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for y... Wed, 28 May 2014 01:42:12 EST Baptising an Irishman …. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5703990 A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. <BR> <BR> He proceeds to walk into the water & subsequently bumps into the preacher. <BR> <BR> The preacher turns around & is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk: 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' <BR> <BR> The drunk shouts: 'Yes, oi am.' <BR> <BR> So the preacher grabs him & dunks him in the water. <BR> <BR> He then pulls him up & asks: 'Br... Tue, 27 May 2014 00:57:17 EST Lotto Win. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5668135 A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won Lotto?" <BR> <BR> She says, "I'd take half, then leave you." <BR> <BR> "Excellent," he replies. <BR> <BR> "I won $12.00, here's $6.00." Wed, 9 Apr 2014 10:32:09 EST My Next Big Adventure. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5667241 In less than 2 days we are off <em>535</em> on our next big holiday. We are flying first to Miami for 5 days but it will take almost 30 hours from home to Miami hotel, flying and waiting at LAX and Atlanta airports. We sure are a looong way from US and Europe! <BR> <BR> On Tue 15th we board the <em>340</em> for an 18 day cruise to Seattle. I've wanted to go to Panama Canal and I am going to be there on Sat 19th! The day before we stop at Cartagena in Colombia. <BR> <BR> After leavi... Tue, 8 Apr 2014 09:47:06 EST The Geography of a Woman. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5665477 Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful! <BR> <BR> <BR> Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. <BR> <BR> <BR> Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. <BR> <BR> <BR> Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. <BR> <BR> <BR> Between ... Sun, 6 Apr 2014 06:50:39 EST Best Living Will by Maxine. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5664043 I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Fri, 4 Apr 2014 07:24:56 EST Extreme weather. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5663266 <BR> I just had a 'phone call from an old friend, Christine, who lives in Alaska. <BR> <BR> <BR> She said that snow has been falling heavily all night and is nearly waist high. <BR> <BR> <BR> The temperature is 32 below zero and the wind is increasing near to gale force. <BR> <BR> <BR> Wind chill is -59. Her husband, Bob, has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare. <BR> <BR> <BR> She says that if it gets much worse she may have to let the drunken bastard in!! <BR>... Thu, 3 Apr 2014 08:30:03 EST Neat or..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5662437 Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! <BR> <BR> A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. <BR> <BR> I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. <BR> <BR> Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. <BR> <BR> England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. <BR> <BR> I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. <BR> <BR> <BR> They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. <BR> <BR> I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. <BR> <BR> Jokes... Wed, 2 Apr 2014 08:57:03 EST Zen Thinking. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5661499 No one is listening until you fart. <BR> <BR> Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. <BR> <BR> If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. <BR> <BR> If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. <BR> <BR> Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. <BR> <BR> If you lend someone $50 and never see that person again, it was probably w... Tue, 1 Apr 2014 08:28:03 EST HOT COFFEE http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5659865 Gotta love those grand-kids. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of ... Sun, 30 Mar 2014 09:08:37 EST Groaners for 2014 Funny. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5659160 <BR> "Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." <BR> <BR> A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> .. A thief who s... Sat, 29 Mar 2014 08:49:05 EST Odd Spot #11. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5658386 Carlisle City Council in England is spending more than $18,000 bulldozing swings, slides and other play equipment at 21 sites to save $730,000 in maintenance costs. Perhaps understandably, angry parents have pointed out that children are left with muddy wastelands and nowhere to play. <em>24</em> <BR> ________________________ <BR> <BR> Jamie Edwards, 13, stunned his headmaster in Pernwortham, England, with a plan to build a nuclear reactor in a classroom. After assuring him it wouldn't ... Fri, 28 Mar 2014 08:11:27 EST Female medical. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5656774 <BR> During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. <BR> <BR> <BR> Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." <BR> <BR> The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> No ! No ! <BR> <BR> <BR> Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!" <BR> <em>20</em> Wed, 26 Mar 2014 07:50:57 EST