ILOVEROSES's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=ILOVEROSES ILOVEROSES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Job prospects. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6364633 A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects. <BR> <BR> "Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop... maybe within the next couple of years." <BR> <BR> "Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?" <BR> <BR> "Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop... given luck and God's blessing." <BR> <BR> "Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?" <BR> <BR> "Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that,... Sun, 21 May 2017 08:21:12 EST Friendship? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6363811 Friendship among Women: <BR> <BR> A woman didn't come home one night. <BR> The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. <BR> The man called his wife's 10 best friends. <BR> None of them knew anything about it. <BR> <BR> Friendship among Men: <BR> <BR> A man didn't come home one night. <BR> The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. <BR> The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. <BR> Eight confirmed that h... Fri, 19 May 2017 04:52:01 EST Little Johnny http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6363473 While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find ... Thu, 18 May 2017 09:35:01 EST Eating Ice Cream Cones http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6362614 A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you ... Tue, 16 May 2017 09:24:28 EST A Great Dentist http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6361644 A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He then took off his socks and washed his hands. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing. How did you determine that?" <BR> <BR> ... Sun, 14 May 2017 02:39:08 EST Old Couple http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6360567 An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. <BR> He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. <BR> The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wif... Thu, 11 May 2017 10:13:03 EST Another Doctor please http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6359635 Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. “I feel that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. <BR> I don’t think you have much time left. <BR> Now, is there anyone you would like to see?” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> “Who is it?” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.” <BR> <... Tue, 9 May 2017 08:05:57 EST God Loves Drunk People Too http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6358383 A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. <BR> <BR> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. <BR> <BR> "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" <BR> <BR> He slams the door and returns to bed. <BR> <BR> "Who was that?" asked his wife... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. <BR> <BR> "Did you help him?" she asks <BR> <BR> "No, I did not, it's 3a... Sat, 6 May 2017 10:14:27 EST It hurts all over! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6357935 The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot. <BR> <BR> <BR> <... Fri, 5 May 2017 08:37:40 EST Pentecostal Dog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6356545 A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. <BR> Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. <BR> They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. <BR> Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. <BR> <BR> <BR> "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought i... Tue, 2 May 2017 08:36:55 EST Funnies http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6355537 <BR> (some not so funny, or maybe I’m just a bit thick!!) <BR> <BR> I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. <BR> <BR> My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. <BR> <BR> Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong." <BR> <BR> What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? <BR> Outlaws are wanted. <BR> <BR> I bought my friend an elephant for his room.... Sun, 30 Apr 2017 10:27:59 EST Chocolate Peanuts http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6354609 A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. <BR> As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. <BR> He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. <BR> Without my teeth, all I c... Fri, 28 Apr 2017 04:09:42 EST THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6353758 A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. <BR> <BR> The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated. <BR> <BR> "What does it look like?" she finally asked. <BR> The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." <BR> <BR> The driver finally found a square mirror in her handbag, looked at it an... Wed, 26 Apr 2017 10:52:29 EST My Rules. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6353202 Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: <BR> <BR> "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. <BR> I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. <BR> Those are my rules. Any comments?" <BR> ... Tue, 25 Apr 2017 07:49:29 EST Looking Back. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6352787 After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: "Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. <BR> Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I'm sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman. <BR> It seems that you're not pulling your weight." <BR> <BR> She replied calmly: "Then why don't you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year... Mon, 24 Apr 2017 10:05:21 EST Once upon a time... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6352333 A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. <BR> <BR> <BR> None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy, Hameed" . <BR> <BR> <BR> One day Hameed’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. <BR> The mo... Sun, 23 Apr 2017 09:18:46 EST Friday Funny! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6351479 Strangers on a train. <BR> <BR> Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. <BR> <BR> Two men and two women faced each other. <BR> <BR> One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. <BR> Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old - who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. <BR> <BR> Across from the older lady was a very mature looki... Fri, 21 Apr 2017 09:20:12 EST HOLY VACATION. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6351008 Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays. <BR> <BR> <BR> They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. <BR> As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals and sunglasses. <BR> <BR> <BR> The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. <BR> They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery wh... Thu, 20 Apr 2017 09:03:45 EST Joke of the Day. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6350630 Finding one of her students pulling faces at other kids in the playground, a teacher gently reprimanded the child. <BR> <BR> Smiling, the teacher said: "When I was a child, I was told that if I make ugly faces, the wind would change and I would stay like that forever." <BR> <BR> The child looked up and replied: "Well, you can't say you weren't warned." <BR> <em>100</em> <BR> <BR> Wed, 19 Apr 2017 10:48:32 EST Cup of Tea http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6350092 A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. <BR> <BR> He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. <BR> <BR> Eventually the mother returned home and the father c... Tue, 18 Apr 2017 08:44:40 EST Lie Detecting Robot http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6349602 John was a salesman's' delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. <BR> It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. <BR> <BR> It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. <BR> "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. ... Mon, 17 Apr 2017 08:28:46 EST How Can I Get To Heaven? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6349125 The Sunday School lesson for the first graders was on the plan of salvation. The teacher asked, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "No!" all the children answered. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Again, the answer was, "No!" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Well," she ... Sun, 16 Apr 2017 04:21:43 EST Children writing about the ocean http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6348699 The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared! <BR> <BR> <BR> 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 ) <BR> <BR> 2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) <BR> <BR> 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7) <BR> <BR> 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any ... Sat, 15 Apr 2017 02:08:47 EST A Children's Sermon. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6347928 Got an email today and just had to share with all of you! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> While the priest was presenting a children's sermon before the whole congregation. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was. <BR> <BR> <BR> Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. <BR> <BR> <BR> In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand. <BR> <BR> <B... Thu, 13 Apr 2017 10:10:45 EST What a way to get free drinks from a bartender! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6346325 a purloined blog.. <BR> <BR> A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. <BR> <BR> After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you g... Mon, 10 Apr 2017 03:53:54 EST Tech Support http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6342614 The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. <BR> Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius! <BR> <BR> The query: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Dear Tech Support, <BR> <BR> <BR> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jew... Sun, 2 Apr 2017 10:04:42 EST Dr. Geezer's clinic http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6338236 <BR> An old geezer became bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. <BR> <BR> <BR> He put a sign up outside that said: <BR> <BR> <BR> "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." <BR> <BR> <BR> Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about <BR> <BR> <BR> medicine,thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. <BR> <BR> <BR> So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. <BR> <BR> <BR> Dr. Youn... Fri, 24 Mar 2017 09:03:05 EST Joke of the Day. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6320186 In London long ago, a man got lost in a thick fog. Finally he came across a little door and knocked on it. <BR> <BR> A little boy answered, so the man asked, "Could I speak to your father please?" <BR> <BR> The kid said, "I am sorry, Father's just gone out, and Mother came in". <BR> <BR> The man asked to speak to the boy's mother, but he said, "No Mother's just gone out and my big brother came in". <BR> <BR> Frustrated, the man asked to speak to the brother but the boy said, "My brother'... Thu, 23 Feb 2017 05:53:25 EST One more sleep! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6318701 Well...we are off again <em>340</em> , this time celebrating my DH's 75th birthday in style! <BR> When I saw Radiance of the Seas commencing the cruise on 25th February I said to him we just have to go. It IS the date of his birthday! <BR> <BR> I know we just came back 9 weeks ago from cruising around South East Asia but this one is so special. <BR> <BR> We are leaving tomorrow for Perth which is on the other side of the country, about 4.5 hours flying time, just like NY to LA. We will ... Mon, 20 Feb 2017 08:35:50 EST Joke of the Day. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6315896 One cold morning in US, a couple was listening to the radio. <BR> <BR> The announcer said: "We're going to have 10 inches of snow today. Please park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, for the snow ploughs." <BR> <BR> So the wife went out and moved her car. <em>433</em> <BR> <BR> A week later at breakfast, the radio announcer said: "We're expecting 12 inches of snow. Please park on the odd-numbered side of the street for the snow ploughs." <BR> <BR> The wife moved her ca... Tue, 14 Feb 2017 09:10:43 EST Why Golf Is Better Than Sex... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6312165 #10... A below par performance is considered damn good. <BR> <BR> #09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. <BR> <BR> #08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot. <BR> <BR> #07... Foursomes are encouraged. <BR> <BR> #06... You can still make money doing it as a senior. <BR> <BR> #05... Three times a day is possible. <BR> <BR> #04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. <BR> <BR> #03... If you live in Florida... Tue, 7 Feb 2017 07:59:14 EST The Problem With Squirrels http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6309488 This will be my last blog for a week, because I am going on holiday till next Friday. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. <BR> After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God's divine will. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. <BR> The Elders met and decided to put a wate... Thu, 2 Feb 2017 07:57:31 EST Hilarious Downton Abbey quotes. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6308204 Downton Abbey has begun airing in 2010, but Dame Maggie Smith’s portrayal of the witty, snobby and downright sassy Dowager Countess has made her one of the most beloved TV characters of all time. <BR> <BR> Let's take a look back at some of Violet Crawley’s funniest, wisest and most cutting one-liners in the show’s six-season history. <BR> <BR> 1.“Don't be defeatist, dear. It's very middle class.” <BR> <BR> 2.“I was right about my maid. She’s leaving – to get married! How could she be so s... Tue, 31 Jan 2017 00:49:01 EST Wedding Anniversary http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6306871 <BR> A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. <BR> Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour. <BR> <BR> "Happy Anniversary Mum & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. <BR> I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to <BR> get you a gift." <BR> "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today." <BR> <BR> Son number tw... Sat, 28 Jan 2017 19:19:37 EST Grandmas don't know everything.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6305219 Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. <BR> He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her : <BR> <BR> 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' <BR> She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.' <BR> <BR> Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. ... Wed, 25 Jan 2017 18:49:47 EST Jewish Joke of the Week. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6304226 An airplane was about to crash, there were 4 famous passengers on board but only 3 parachutes left. <BR> <BR> The first passenger said, "I'm LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player there is. My fans need me. I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane. <BR> <BR> The second passenger, Donald Trump said "Out of my way. I'm the new President of the USA and I'm going to be the greatest and cleverest President in American history." So he quickly grabbed the pack ne... Tue, 24 Jan 2017 06:33:25 EST A German woman married to an American man. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6302230 A German woman married an American gentleman from Virginia and they lived happily in his home town. <BR> <BR> The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> However, a real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> One day, she went to the butcher counter wishing to buy chicken legs. <BR> She didn't know how to put forward her request, so in desperation she clucked like a chicken a... Fri, 20 Jan 2017 22:58:41 EST The guys from the Commonwealth. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6298411 Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England, looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage. <BR> <BR> They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty. <BR> <BR> <BR> She says to them: "Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen." <BR> <BR> After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: "It is also important that... Sun, 15 Jan 2017 08:08:11 EST I'll be waiting on the front porch! .... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6296545 On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. <BR> For this I will give you a life span of twenty years. <BR> The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" <BR> <BR> And God said that it was good. <BR> <BR> On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twen... Thu, 12 Jan 2017 08:28:34 EST Please Miss can you help me on with my boots ! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6294923 The Winter Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.) <BR> <BR> Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. <BR> <BR> <BR> Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. <BR> By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, <BR> <BR> <BR> 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 9 Jan 2017 22:03:30 EST Mexican maid http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6292348 The Mexican maid asks for a raise. <BR> <BR> The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. <BR> <BR> She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" <BR> <BR> Maria: "Well, Seniora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." <BR> <BR> "The first is that I iron better than you." <BR> <BR> Wife: "Who said you iron better than me? <BR> <BR> Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." <BR> <BR> Wife: "Oh yeah?" <BR> <BR> Maria: "The ... Fri, 6 Jan 2017 04:53:51 EST Black Testicles http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6290130 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet". <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicle... Tue, 3 Jan 2017 07:09:58 EST Best Regards http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6288409 <BR> I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. <BR> So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on her advice I wish to say the following:............. <BR> <BR> <BR> Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice ho... Sun, 1 Jan 2017 07:22:29 EST WIFE EMAIL http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6287635 Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. <BR> I have a confession to make. <BR> I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck <BR> up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling <BR> you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you <BR> knowing. <BR> <BR> The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're <BR> not around. In fact, probably more than you. <BR> I haven't been getting it at home rec... Fri, 30 Dec 2016 20:28:11 EST Senior Discount! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6285841 An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. <BR> <BR> "I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model." <BR> <BR> "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how co... Tue, 27 Dec 2016 07:13:54 EST The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6284696 The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. <BR> <BR> <BR> Here are the winners: <BR> <BR> 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time <BR> <BR> 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. <BR> <BR> 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refu... Fri, 23 Dec 2016 23:52:19 EST Friends outside of Facebook http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6284332 <BR> For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: <BR> I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in t... Thu, 22 Dec 2016 22:13:29 EST Eye Test for Driver's Licence. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6283221 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters <BR> <BR> <BR> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. <BR> <BR> 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' <BR> <BR> ************************ <BR> <BR> <BR> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. <BR> <BR> We have a case of gon... Tue, 20 Dec 2016 07:24:10 EST GETTING OLDER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6282765 A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. <BR> <BR> There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, <BR> <BR> <BR> "I'm wondering, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.." <BR> <BR> *************... Mon, 19 Dec 2016 05:15:56 EST HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6282400 George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> He said "No," but some people are breaking into my... Sun, 18 Dec 2016 08:55:53 EST