ILOVEROSES's SparkPeople Blog ILOVEROSES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Subject: 9 important facts to remember as we grow older! Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world. <BR> <BR> <BR> Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted. <BR> <BR> <BR> Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. <BR> <BR> <BR> Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. <BR> <BR> <BR> Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and th... Sun, 23 Oct 2016 05:20:08 EST Your Wife! When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. <BR> <BR> King David <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. <BR> <BR> <BR> Sasha Guitry <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. <BR> <BR> If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. <BR> <BR> <BR> Socrates <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Woman inspires u... Fri, 21 Oct 2016 08:24:54 EST Your Wife! When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. <BR> <BR> King David <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. <BR> <BR> <BR> Sasha Guitry <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. <BR> <BR> If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. <BR> <BR> Socrates <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Woman inspires us to ... Fri, 21 Oct 2016 08:24:52 EST SENIOR DRIVER <BR> My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. <BR> <BR> <BR> He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore." <BR>... Wed, 19 Oct 2016 19:15:39 EST A Glass of Wine <em>181</em> <BR> A Glass of Wine at Night before turning in! <BR> <BR> <BR> A single glass of this NEW Wine for Seniors each night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night’s sleep. <BR> <BR> <BR> Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will b... Tue, 18 Oct 2016 06:08:49 EST The Back Nine - And Then It Is Winter THE BACK NINE <BR> <BR> <BR> I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL & WAS READING FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER READING SLOWER AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD. THIS EMAIL IS VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK. <BR> READ SLOWLY! <BR> <BR> AND THEN IT IS WINTER <BR> <BR> You know ... time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new l... Mon, 17 Oct 2016 01:40:07 EST THE HAIRCUT <BR> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. <BR> <BR> <BR> After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I <BR> <BR> <BR> cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' <BR> <BR> <BR> The florist was pleased and left the shop. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a <BR> <BR> <BR> 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Wed, 12 Oct 2016 07:52:58 EST POLITICS. In every joke there is some truth--these are for our political season. <BR> <BR> <BR> If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno~ <BR> <BR> <BR> The problem with political jokes is they get elected. <BR> <BR> <BR> ~Henry Cate, VII~ (How true. Ed) <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. <BR> <BR> <BR> ~Aesop~ <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State ... Tue, 11 Oct 2016 02:58:51 EST Points to Ponder <BR> The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. <BR> <BR> <BR> My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. <BR> <BR> <BR> My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 lbs I've gained since then. <BR> <BR> <BR> I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just gi... Sun, 9 Oct 2016 20:39:57 EST PARAPROSDOKIANS Now if someone could just explain how to pronounce this new word! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected. <BR> <BR> Winston Churchill loved them. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Some examples: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. If I agre... Sat, 8 Oct 2016 20:43:51 EST Even God Enjoys a Good Laugh! There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: <BR> <BR> 1. He called everyone brother. <BR> <BR> 2. He liked Gospel. <BR> <BR> 3. He didn't get a fair trial. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: <BR> <BR> 1. He went into His Father's business. <BR> <BR> 2. He lived at home until he was 33. <BR> <BR> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> But then there were 3 ... Sat, 4 Jun 2016 07:19:55 EST Two more sleeps! It's again this time of the year when we make our pilgrimage to Scotland! <BR> Of course, we don't just fly there for a couple of weeks and then come home. We usually make it a 6-8 weeks holiday. <BR> <BR> This time we start with a 2 week <em>340</em> of Baltic Capitals on Celebrity Silhouette. It's a much larger ship than any of the previous ones we've done. <BR> <BR> We leave home on Sunday morning and after about 33 hours we touch down on Monday morning in Amsterdam! After spending ... Fri, 3 Jun 2016 09:18:31 EST It is best to whisper!! A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. <BR> He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? <BR> <BR> <BR> The girl replied, in a loud voice, <BR> <BR> <BR> "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" <BR> <BR> <BR> All the people in the library started staring at the man, <BR> <BR> <BR> now deeply embarrassed, who moved to another table. <BR> <BR> <BR> After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table <BR> <BR> <BR> and sa... Fri, 3 Jun 2016 06:00:12 EST What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in? Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................ <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" <BR> <BR> <BR> The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" <BR> <BR> <BR> The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. <BR> <BR> If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? <BR> <BR> Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? <BR> <BR> O... Wed, 1 Jun 2016 09:29:55 EST 50 years makes a big difference! 1966: Long hair <BR> <BR> 2016: Longing for hair <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: KEG <BR> <BR> 2016: EKG <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: Acid rock <BR> <BR> 2016: Acid reflux <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: Moving to California because it's cool <BR> <BR> 2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor <BR> <BR> 2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1966: Seeds and stems <BR> <B... Mon, 30 May 2016 11:33:44 EST Vitamin F ... a necessity of life!!! <BR> The following goes for family too... <BR> <BR> <BR> Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character? How is it possible that I can get along with them all? <BR> <BR> I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me. With one of them I am polite. With another I joke, with another I can be a bit naughty... I can sit down and talk about serious matters with one. <BR> With another I laugh a lot. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I li... Sat, 28 May 2016 10:04:33 EST Vet’s Nightmare A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbour was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, unable to disengage. Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called her vet, who answered... Thu, 26 May 2016 09:46:47 EST IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE <BR> <BR> IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE <BR> <BR> ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 23 May 2016 19:40:43 EST Delta Flight 15...The story you probably never heard about. It has been 15 years since 9/11 and here is a wonderful story about that terrible day. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Delta Flight 15... (true story) Even verified it. <BR> <BR> Here is an amazing story from a flight attendant on Delta Flight 15, written following 9-11: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> On the morning of Tuesday, September 11, we were about 5 hours out of Frankfurt, flying over the North Atlantic. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> All of a sudden the curtains parted and I was told to go to... Sat, 21 May 2016 06:25:11 EST AAADD - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS..... Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. <BR> <BR> Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! <BR> <BR> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. <BR> <BR> <BR> This is how it manifests itself: <BR> <BR> I decide to water my garden. <BR> <BR> As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. <BR> <BR> As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the po... Tue, 17 May 2016 11:13:19 EST The Lolly(Candy) With The Little Hole. This should make you smile. You have to love little kids. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The first grade children began to identify the flavors by their color: <BR> <BR> Red.................Cherry <BR> Yellow.............Lemon <BR> Green.... .........Lime <BR> Orange ..........Orange <BR> <BR> Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. <BR> <BR> None of the children could identify the taste. <BR> The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes... Sun, 15 May 2016 04:25:16 EST NEVER ASSUME ... ALWAYS ASK!! <BR> His request approved, the 'Bulletin' Newspaper Photographer quickly used his Mobile- phone to call the Townsville Airport to charter a flight. <BR> He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. <BR> <BR> Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. <BR> He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" <BR> <BR> The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. <BR> <BR> Once in th... Thu, 12 May 2016 18:52:53 EST Be careful what you wish for... An atheist was walking through the woods. <BR> <BR> 'What majestic trees! <BR> 'What powerful rivers! <BR> 'What beautiful animals! <BR> He said to himself. <BR> <BR> Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. <BR> <BR> He turned to look .... . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. <BR> He ran as fast as he could along the path. <BR> He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him .... <BR> <BR> He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear ... Mon, 9 May 2016 20:15:24 EST Psychiatrist vs. Bartender Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. <BR> So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think <BR> there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.” <BR> <BR> “Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three <BR> times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”; <BR> <BR> “How much do you charge?” <BR> <BR> “Eighty dollars per visit,” replied th... Fri, 6 May 2016 21:53:05 EST I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. <BR> <BR> I don’t have to go to school or work. <BR> <BR> I get an allowance every month. <BR> <BR> I have my own pad. <BR> <BR> I don’t have a curfew. <BR> <BR> I have a driver’s license and my own car. <BR> <BR> I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store. <BR> <BR> The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. <BR> <BR> And I don’t have acne. <BR> <BR> Life is great. <BR> I have more ... Fri, 6 May 2016 01:55:23 EST Engineers! <BR> Understanding Engineers 1 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" <BR> <BR> <BR> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choic... Sun, 1 May 2016 04:02:44 EST THE GINGHAM DRESS A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard, & probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. <BR> <BR> 'We'd like to see the president,' the man said softly. <BR> <BR> 'He'll be busy all day,' the secretary snapped. <BR>... Wed, 27 Apr 2016 09:30:40 EST Irony of Life! The Lawyer hopes - You get into trouble!! <BR> <BR> The Doctor hopes - You get sick!! <BR> <BR> The Police hope - You become a criminal!! <BR> <BR> The Teacher hopes - You are born stupid!! <BR> <BR> The Landlord hopes - You don't buy a house!! <BR> <BR> The Dentist hopes - Your tooth decays!! <BR> <BR> The Mechanic hopes - Your car breaks down!! <BR> <BR> The Coffin maker - wants You dead!! <BR> <BR> Only a Thief wish... Sat, 23 Apr 2016 07:31:42 EST We will never see this again. Thought you'd enjoy this. It's one you want your Children and Grandchildren <BR> to read. They won't believe this happened, but it DID! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Harry & Bess <BR> (This seems unreal.) <BR> <BR> Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House. <BR> <BR> ... Thu, 21 Apr 2016 02:28:59 EST Knowing about burns. <BR> A young man sprinkling his lawn and bushes with pesticides wanted to check the contents of the barrel to see how much pesticide remained in it. <BR> He raised the cover and lit his lighter; the vapors ignited and engulfed him. He jumped from his truck, screaming. <BR> His neighbour came out of her house with a dozen eggs and a bowl yelling: "bring me some more eggs!" <BR> She broke them, separating the whites from the yolks. <BR> The neighbour woman helped her to apply the whites onto ... Tue, 19 Apr 2016 12:39:56 EST 21 Inspiring Quotes By Albert Einstein 1. "Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value." <BR> <BR> 2. "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." <BR> <BR> 3. "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.'' <BR> <BR> 4. ''Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.'' <BR> <BR> 5. ''Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.'' <BR> <BR> 6. ''Imagination is more important than knowledge.'' <BR> <BR> 7. ''Weakness of attitude become... Sat, 16 Apr 2016 10:21:19 EST TEN THINGS THAT WILL DISAPPEAR IN OUR LIFETIMES 1. The Post Office <BR> <BR> Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. <BR> Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills. <BR> <BR> <BR> 2. The Cheque <BR> <BR> Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with cheque by 2018. It costs the financial system billion... Thu, 14 Apr 2016 10:27:24 EST Philosophers' Comments....Serious Stuff <BR> When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. <BR> <BR> King David <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. <BR> If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. <BR> <BR> Socrates <BR> <BR> <BR> Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. <BR> <BR> Anonymous <BR> <BR> <BR> The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, <BR> "What does a woman want?" <B... Mon, 11 Apr 2016 10:01:59 EST Psychiatrist and Proctologist <BR> Two best friends graduated from medical school and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. <BR> <BR> <BR> Dr. Smith was a psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was a proctologist so they put up a sign reading : <BR> <BR> Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones : Hysterias and Posteriors. <BR> <BR> The town council was livid and insisted they change it. <BR> <BR> <BR> The docs changed it to read: <BR> <BR> Schizoids and ... Fri, 8 Apr 2016 20:49:34 EST Murphy's Law At last, confirmation of Murphy's Law with a wonderful Irish explanation. <BR> <BR> Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. <BR> He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. <BR> So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. <BR> <BR> He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, <BR> but asks Fr. Flanagan to come an... Mon, 4 Apr 2016 09:08:30 EST Clever Jury. In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of. <BR> <BR> A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. <BR> <BR> In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. <BR> <BR> "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all", the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. ... Fri, 1 Apr 2016 22:56:18 EST An Oldie but a Goodie! A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. <BR> <BR> The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" <BR> <BR> The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." <BR> <BR> The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or ca... Thu, 31 Mar 2016 08:48:25 EST King Arthur and the Ugly Old Woman. Young Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring <BR> kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's <BR> youth and ideals. <BR> So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. <BR> <BR> The question?...What do women really want? <BR> <BR> Such a question would perplex even ... Thu, 24 Mar 2016 09:12:21 EST Sense of Humour. An oldie but a goodie, I hope. <BR> <BR> A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ: <BR> <BR> *We will heel you <BR> <BR> *We will save your sole <BR> <BR> *We will even dye for you. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Sign over a Gynaecologist Office: <BR> <BR> *"Dr. Jones, at your cervix. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> In a Podiatrist's office: <BR> <BR> *"Time wounds all heels. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> On a Septic Tank Truck: <BR> <BR> *Yesterday's Meals on Wheels <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> At an O... Sat, 19 Mar 2016 01:15:46 EST Forgotten. Old ones but still good for a laugh! <BR> <BR> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember . <BR> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. <BR> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' <BR> 'Sure..' <BR> 'Don't you think you should write it down s... Wed, 9 Mar 2016 08:07:55 EST AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. <BR> <BR> There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death <BR> <BR> The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. A... Tue, 8 Mar 2016 07:15:50 EST 6 little stories with a message <BR> {1} Once villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella. <BR> <BR> That's FAITH <BR> ----------------- <BR> <BR> {2} When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her. <BR> That's TRUST <BR> ----------------- <BR> <BR> {3} Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up. <BR> That's HOPE <BR> ----------------... Sun, 6 Mar 2016 06:25:38 EST Assuming we’re all Seniors . . . Assuming we’re all Seniors . . . this is why you (a senior!) should listen very carefully to your doctor’s instructions. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I went to my nearby pharmacy, straight to the rear where the pharmacists’ high counter is located. <BR> I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. <BR> <BR> <BR> I said, “Yes . . . could you please taste this for me?” <BR> <BR> <BR> S... Sat, 5 Mar 2016 06:45:13 EST Elderly TV Watching Reminds me of that old saying “teach a man how to fish ,,, and he’ll watch football ....” <BR> <BR> <BR> The longer you've been together, the funnier this becomes. <BR> <BR> <BR> An elderly couple were at home watching TV. <BR> <BR> Phil had the remote and was switching back and <BR> forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. <BR> <BR> <BR> Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn chann... Sun, 28 Feb 2016 06:35:59 EST A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN - 2016 (for the people in the new colony of America) <BR> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. <BR> <BR> In light of your failure this year to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.) <BR> <BR> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all States, Commo... Wed, 24 Feb 2016 06:05:26 EST Terrorism has no bounds Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - held in isolation. <BR> <BR> A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator. <BR> <BR> At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been cha... Tue, 23 Feb 2016 05:54:20 EST Irish Centrelink. Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. <BR> <BR> <BR> When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knickers Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..' <BR> <BR> The clerk looked up Knickers Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay. <BR> <BR> Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' <BR> <BR> Since a diesel fitter was a skilled j... Mon, 22 Feb 2016 02:02:19 EST As I Age.....I realise that..... <BR> Old age is coming at a really bad time! <BR> <BR> I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks! <BR> <BR> I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off! <BR> <BR> My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work. <BR> <BR> <BR> The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." <BR> <BR> I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice. <BR> <BR> Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud?... Sat, 20 Feb 2016 08:01:29 EST A Token Payment! An oldie. <BR> <BR> <BR> A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially. And so it happened; when their father passed away, they remembered his w... Thu, 18 Feb 2016 22:23:27 EST When Insults Had Class. These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” "That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress. <BR> <BR> <BR> "He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "He has all the v... Wed, 17 Feb 2016 09:14:58 EST