IDLETYME's SparkPeople Blog IDLETYME's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community A hello from Idletyme's daughter Hi everyone! I just wanted to let you know that my mom took some time off from the computer and has decided to pretty much retire from it. In spite of some memory issues (one of the many gifts that come with being a Seasoned Citizen, right?), she's doing well and is as snarky and funny as ever. We can't seem to get her to watch anything more than NCIS on tv but for some reason, she likes watching the same episodes over and over (and over!) again. She's doting on her two cats and also baby... Sun, 8 May 2016 13:10:51 EST A Riddle You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it????? <BR> Corn on the Cob Mon, 28 Sep 2015 13:25:06 EST Short Reading From The Bible From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth. Then... God made the earth round... and he laughed and laughed! Tue, 15 Sep 2015 13:12:43 EST Sunday Sermon One Sunday morning Pastor Bob advised his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. In preparation for my message, I want you all to read Mark 17". The following Sunday the reverend asked for a show of hands from those who had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. Pastor Bob smiled and announced, "Well, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." Tue, 8 Sep 2015 15:55:11 EST Tension If you have a lot of tension and headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle - "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children"! Fri, 4 Sep 2015 12:33:30 EST Fair Judge "Mr. Clark , I have reviewed this case very carefully" the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week". "That's very fair your honor" the husband said! "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself"!! Thu, 13 Aug 2015 10:53:48 EST Lady Driver A police officer saw a lady driving and knitting at the same time, so after driving next to her for a while, he yelled, "Pull over!" "No!" she called back. "It's a pair of socks"! Wed, 5 Aug 2015 18:15:30 EST His Mistake A husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called her Mom and said "He fought with me. I'm coming over to live with you." Mom said "No darling he needs to pay for his mistake. I'm coming to live with you!" Mon, 27 Jul 2015 12:07:17 EST Bachelor Party Referring to Prince Williams bachelor party - "It's got to be weird stuffing money into strippers thongs when every bill has a picture of your Grandmother on it!" Mon, 6 Jul 2015 08:21:39 EST Smart Hubby A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "Have you killed any?" she asked. "Yep", replies her husband. "Three male and two females". "How can you tell?" she asks. He replies, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone"! Mon, 29 Jun 2015 08:02:18 EST Home Security "Southern Style" Go to the second hand store and buy used men's work boots size 14-16. Place them on your front porch along with a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put four giant dog bowls next to the boots and magazines. Leave a note on your door that reads: BUBBA, Me and Bertha, Duke and Slim went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part but it was hard to tell with all ... Tue, 23 Jun 2015 09:11:43 EST Smile A smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness, a friend like me - well - that's a sign of your good taste! Fri, 19 Jun 2015 09:27:57 EST Near Death Experience A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?" "Yes sir" replied his employee. "I thought you did" said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your brothers funeral, he stopped by to see you"! Mon, 15 Jun 2015 11:00:16 EST I've Been Missing Spark People My daughter, Jeni, lives in an apartment complex and the unit next to hers burned out. Several units had damage but thank goodness she didn't! My other daughter and I have spent the last two days packing and moving boxes to storage. <BR> Jeni, her kitty and dog will live with me until another apartment is available the middle of the month. I appreciate the "Best Wishes" notes & goodies. I'm back to Spark!!! Hope you all have a safe and happy October! Wed, 1 Oct 2014 09:47:30 EST Safe Driving Award? <BR> A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" <BR> "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" <BR> He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." <BR> The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't ... Thu, 21 Nov 2013 15:47:13 EST Two Nuns and a Mini Dracula <BR> <BR> Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. <BR> <BR> "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?" <BR> <BR> "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent. <BR> <BR> Sister Mary Agnes swi... Fri, 25 Oct 2013 11:38:53 EST One Blonde To Another <BR> <BR> A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde". <BR> <BR> She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she... Thu, 12 Sep 2013 10:45:11 EST A Man Dining Alone <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. <BR> ******************** <BR> Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. <BR> 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said,... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 19:15:42 EST Baby's First Doctor Visit <BR> This made me laugh out loud. It may be a little saucy for some. <BR> I hope it will give you a smile! <BR> <BR> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. <BR> <BR> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. <BR> <BR> 'Breast-fed,' she replied. <BR> <BR> 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. ... Sat, 27 Jul 2013 15:05:38 EST The Perfect Husband <BR> Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone <BR> on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function <BR> and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. <BR> MAN: "Hello" <BR> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" <BR> MAN: "Yes" <BR> WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather <BR> coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" <BR> MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. <BR> "WOMAN: "I also stopped by... Mon, 24 Jun 2013 15:48:49 EST I Assure You... Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious. <BR> <BR> Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you... Tue, 18 Jun 2013 15:28:40 EST Know Your Ten Commandments <BR> Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying. <BR> <BR> When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.' <BR> After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vi... Tue, 4 Jun 2013 14:49:32 EST Genealogy ------------------------------------------<BR>-------------------------------------- <BR> <BR> A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' <BR> The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.' <BR> Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' <BR> The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possib... Sun, 26 May 2013 19:19:32 EST Goodbye Ugly Suit <BR> <BR> When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. <BR> <BR> "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" <BR> <BR> "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. <BR> <BR> "That's the one!" <BR> <BR> "That's great!" the m... Wed, 22 May 2013 14:51:01 EST The Leaf <BR> <BR> A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. <BR> <BR> "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. <BR> <BR> "What have you got there, dear"? <BR> <BR> With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" <BR> Wed, 15 May 2013 11:58:59 EST Little Johnny " <BR> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. <BR> Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. <BR> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" <BR> Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." Wed, 24 Apr 2013 13:09:43 EST The Doctor Visit <BR> A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical and the nurse starts with certain basic items. <BR> "How much do you weigh?" she asks. <BR> "115," she says. <BR> The nurse puts her on the scale and it turns out her weight is 140. <BR> The nurse asks, "Your height?" <BR> "5 foot 8," she says. <BR> The nurse checks and tells her that she only measures 5' 5". <BR> The nurse then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. <BR> "Of course it's high!" the woman screams, ... Fri, 19 Apr 2013 17:08:09 EST Flight Into Egypt <BR> ----------------------------------------<BR>---------------------------------------- <BR> <BR> Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. <BR> "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. <BR> "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" <BR> "Oh, that's Pontius-... Mon, 15 Apr 2013 15:12:57 EST Who's Perfect? <BR> There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. <BR> After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. <BR> Their life together was, of course, perfect. <BR> One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. <BR> Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. <BR> There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. <BR> Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfe... Sat, 13 Apr 2013 12:32:55 EST Doctors Advice Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied. "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mama and be cheerful". The doctor said "I didn't say that. I said, "You have a heart murmur, be careful". Tue, 2 Apr 2013 13:15:12 EST The Good Wife There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." <BR> <BR> So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. <BR> <B... Sat, 2 Mar 2013 12:55:22 EST Punctuation is Everything! An English Professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. <BR> All of the Males wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing". <BR> All of the Females wrote: " A woman: without her, man is nothing." <BR> Punctuation is Everything! Sat, 5 Jan 2013 12:26:41 EST 3 Fathers There were three fathers-to-be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. <BR> <BR> The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.” <BR> <BR> The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M." <BR> <BR> The third father opens the window and jumps out. <BR> <BR> The ... Sun, 9 Dec 2012 10:11:15 EST Good Neighbors Mom and Dad were getting started with Saturday chores when their child came out into the yard. "Why don't you go across the street and ask how old Mrs. Wells is this morning?" Dad suggested. <BR> The child dutifully crossed the street, greeted their neighbor three doors down, and asked the question, "Dad wants to know how old you are this morning". <BR> Back home, the child reported to his parents, "Mrs. Wells said to tell you to mind your own business"! Sun, 11 Nov 2012 07:15:02 EST Sketching Class Bartender: "It's getting late. Isn't your wife wondering where you are?" <BR> Barfly: "Not at all. She thinks I'm taking a sketching class." <BR> Bartender: "How'd you come up with that one?" <BR> Barfly: "It just happened. One night I phoned her from here, and she heard someone yell, "Draw one and put a head on it!" Thu, 8 Nov 2012 14:44:38 EST He Sent Me <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A young soldier was taking some college courses between assignments. <BR> He had completed 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan. <BR> One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the Canadian Civil Liberties Association (CCLA). <BR> <BR> One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. <BR> He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."... Tue, 23 Oct 2012 17:07:42 EST Ain't It The Truth <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> These are thoughts by our favorite friend - MAXINE! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Ain't it the truth... <BR> As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Towards 2013 -- Remember: <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' <BR> <BR> 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. <BR> <BR> 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to ... Thu, 18 Oct 2012 07:12:02 EST The Hereafter The minister came to see me the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the Hereafter. <BR> I told him, "Oh I do .. all the time! No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or downstairs in the basement. I ask myself "Now, what am I here <BR> after???" Sun, 7 Oct 2012 08:35:52 EST Smart Pills A blonde signs up for a research project testing "Smart Pills". Amazingly the pills work and she becomes smarter. She dyes her hair and becomes a brunette. One day, she was driving in the country and spots a farmer in his field with his sheep. She decides to test her new found smartness, so she stops and walks up to the farmer. She says, "If I can correctly guess how many sheep you have in the field, can I have one of them"? Thinking it a sure bet he says "Sure". She says "578". The fa... Sat, 6 Oct 2012 08:29:31 EST In The News A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. <BR> The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" <BR> <BR> Sure enough, the man jumped and the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. <BR> The redhead said "I can't take your money, you're my friend". The blonde said "No, a bet is a bet". <BR> "Listen, I have to admit I saw ... Fri, 5 Oct 2012 08:56:07 EST The Sad Lad An elderly gentleman was walking down the street when he saw a young lad about 8 or 9 who was crying so hard that he shook. Taking compassion, the elderly gentleman bent over and patted the boy on his head saying "There there. What seems to be the problem?" The little lad raised his tear streaked face and blurted out, "I can't do the things the big guys do!" And the elderly gentleman sat down on the curb next to him and he cried too! Thu, 4 Oct 2012 08:56:55 EST The Celebrity The Celebrity : " It's is so good to be with you wonderful people here at Shady Rest Nursing Home. Does anyone here know who I am?" <BR> A Resident: " No, but don't worry. If you go down to the front desk, they'll tell you." Wed, 3 Oct 2012 06:54:55 EST He's My Brother Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked up a box of Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you used these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either of those. Tue, 2 Oct 2012 07:30:24 EST Oops Mother asked her young son what he learned in Sunday School. He replied, "We learned all about Gladly The Bear". She said, "I never heard of Gladly The Bear"."Of course you have", he said. "You sing about him in church all the time... <BR> "Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear! Mon, 1 Oct 2012 07:50:44 EST Identity Crisis A. Just looking at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is that a boy or a girl? <BR> B. It's a girl. She's my daughter. <BR> A. Oh, I'm sorry sir. I didn't know that you were her father. <BR> B. I'm not. I'm her mother. Tue, 18 Sep 2012 18:18:04 EST Mirror Problems A middle school was faced with a problem. After putting on their lipstick, some girls would pucker up and press their lips against the bathroom mirrors, leaving many lip prints. <BR> One day, the principal thought of a way to put an end to this problem. She called all the girls to the bathroom and had the custodian meet them there. She explained to the girls that the lip prints were causing extra work for the custodian because he had to clean the mirrors every day. <BR> To prove ... Wed, 5 Sep 2012 11:06:10 EST Nudist Colony At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: <BR> Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says. "I say old boy, have you read Marx?" The other man says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs!" Mon, 27 Aug 2012 10:01:00 EST Getting Social Security An old man went to the Social Security office to sign up. He stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter asked him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his pocket and realized he had left it at home. The lady told him that it was alright, he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for Social Security. <BR> <BR> After everything was done there, he went home and told his wife... Tue, 14 Aug 2012 13:39:14 EST Birthday Present Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it, she said, "Hi! I'm your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" She said, "I am yours for super sex"". "Well", he replied, "I am over 90 years old - so -I will take the soup". Mon, 6 Aug 2012 07:11:26 EST 911 Call There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue. She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept her gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. <BR> In a panic, she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "YES, MY SHED IS ON FIRE!! Joe said, "Don't panic, help is on the way....where do you live?" The blonde said," IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!" Joe responded back, "H... Tue, 31 Jul 2012 08:26:41 EST