HEPKITTY's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=HEPKITTY HEPKITTY's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ I'm here! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5679552 Well I got frustrated after two weeks of eating 1200 calories a day and working out an hour a day six days a week, and gaining .5 pounds. So I took a break. I've gained two pounds back (including that .5 pounds) working out sporadically and eating whatever. <BR> <BR> So how is that for frustrating??? I didn't lose weight when I was trying so hard, and I didn't gain hardly anything when I gave up for more than a month. <BR> <BR> But regardless, I'm here, trying again. Sticking to around 150... Thu, 24 Apr 2014 14:07:13 EST I don't want just one brownie, I want ALL the brownies. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5641205 My husband is a former smoker who quit almost 20 years ago. A couple years ago, we were talking about it, and he said he never wanted to start smoking again because he knew he wouldn't just want one cigarette, he wanted all the cigarettes. He wanted to smoke and smoke and smoke. <BR> <BR> I laughed when I heard that because that's how I feel about food! When I make cookies, I don't want just one cookie, I want all the cookies and all the dough until I'm physically sick! I don't want just one... Thu, 6 Mar 2014 09:40:29 EST Lost another pound! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5641168 I needed that! Boy, did I need that. My lower calorie intake is paying off and it gives me the inspiration to keep it up! I'm 5 pounds from my usual maintenance range, 10 pounds from a weight I would be confident with, and 17 pounds from my goal weight! I'm thrilled. I know I can keep this up and I KNOW I'm going to actually have that sexy spring! Woo hoo! <BR> <BR> I also picked a reward for myself! Once I've lost 20 pounds (12 pounds from now), I'm going to sign up for Zumba classes! I've ... Thu, 6 Mar 2014 09:12:21 EST I'm determined to kick BUTT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5638587 Well I got frustrated and angry and WHATEVER when I weighed in on Thursday after a great week of tracking and measuring and adding in a sixth hour of cardio for the week and saw NOTHING good on the scale. <BR> <BR> But I'm here and determined not to let anything get me down. I'm lowering my calorie intake to 1200 a day and I'm keeping up my hour a day, six days a week workouts. I need to see changes, I need a great spring, I need to feel good and I need to make sure food does NOT have this ... Mon, 3 Mar 2014 12:49:08 EST Doing really good! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5626480 Hi all! Well I refocused on Thursday and have been doing what I set out to do, even with Valentine's Day and candy! I've been staying under 1550 calories a day, added in my Saturday workout, and have been tracking and measuring and weighing honestly. I've also been weighing myself every day. I decided I wanted to never put myself in a position where I would have to dread the weigh in. I never want a surprise - I want to know right where I am! <BR> <BR> Still, I'm not going to log my weight i... Mon, 17 Feb 2014 13:31:54 EST No loss. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5623137 Unsurprisingly, I didn't have a loss this week. I'd even mentally prepared for a gain, but THANKFULLY that didn't happen! I was tracking, but not honestly. I was picking at food and overeating, not measuring what I was actually eating and that always means eating more food than I want to admit. <BR> <BR> I'm feeling very emotionally weird today. My heart is beating fast, I've got some palpitations. I think it's anxiety but I can't pinpoint what I'd be anxious about! I cleaned up the house, d... Thu, 13 Feb 2014 13:05:19 EST This is going slooooooowwwww... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5620473 Ugh. One pound a week loss for three weeks. It is SO irritating and SO frustrating and it's really made me start thinking about giving up. Of course I'm NOT giving up. Thinking about the time it will take before I can feel good about myself... yuck. I want to feel good about myself now. <BR> <BR> I'm mad I let myself gain 15 pounds. I'm mad that I let myself get to the point AGAIN where I feel uncomfortable in my clothes. I hate looking at my clothes and choosing not to wear certain things ... Mon, 10 Feb 2014 13:43:17 EST Wanting to find my passion! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5617796 Besides my husband, of course. If I could lay around with him all day every day - problem solved! <BR> <BR> What I mean is, I want to feel passionate about work, or a hobby, or something! A few years ago it was political ideology. I read and read and studied. I loved it! But now I just find it frustrating and pointless. <BR> <BR> A friend of mine is an author and is passionate about writing and promoting her book. I admire it, and I'm jealous! I want to feel something like that. <BR> <BR>... Fri, 7 Feb 2014 11:36:00 EST Still hanging in there! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5614880 We got a ton of snow yesterday, and more is coming tonight! That really has nothing to do with why I'm writing a blog but it's just amazing to me! Everybody keeps telling me that this is the worst winter in decades, and that we moved here just in time for it. :) <BR> <BR> Anyway, I'm sparking it up! I've been working out, tracking my food. I'm still food addicted, have my compulsions, and struggle a lot. But I'm trying and working! I've had to come to the conclusion that maybe I'm only able ... Tue, 4 Feb 2014 10:50:43 EST A pound is a pound! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5609978 Third week at this and second week in a row only losing one pound. Sigh! It's frustrating but I'll take it! If I stay at the rate I've been going, I'll be at the bottom of my maintenance range by my goal date, instead of the ten pounds below that I wanted. I'll take it! Still looking forward to Sexy Spring, and if it means that I have to work longer to get to where I want to be, then we'll have Sexy Summer too! <BR> <BR> I'm going to rest for a bit (I've been getting kids ready for school an... Thu, 30 Jan 2014 08:52:54 EST I'm eating too much!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5607364 Dang. It's been a hard few days!!! I've been picking and snacking and I feel AWFUL about myself. I want to feel good. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to have a good weigh in on Thursday! <BR> <BR> We've been covered in brownies and cookies around here. My daughter is making peanut butter cookies right now. Like, she's right behind me in the kitchen and it smells SO good in here. I've got my calories all planned out for the day. I don't want to screw it up at 4pm. <BR> <BR> W... Mon, 27 Jan 2014 16:23:52 EST My 600 Pound Life http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5602865 My husband and I have been watching this show ("My 600lb Life") so far this year and I find it really really interesting. I believe that people with weight issues have a very difficult burden because their weakness and failures can be immediately apparent to anyone who looks at them. If someone overeats, everybody knows it. If you're a liar, or beat your spouse, or steal, or are addicted to alcohol, or suffer from depression, or have a learning disability - whatever! - nobody can tell by look... Wed, 22 Jan 2014 23:25:10 EST My daughter is making cookies http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5598201 I can have about one and a half of them in order to stay right at my personal limit for the day. I'm going to have some dough I think! Tonight my sweetie and I are going out on a date night. We decided to do sushi because it's healthy and not something you make at home. The idea of going to a restaurant and spending money on healthy food when I can just stay home and make it seems like a total waste! Hubby and I have always loved our restaurant dates and overeating together so this is a great... Sat, 18 Jan 2014 16:56:11 EST Weigh in success! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5595636 I am SO excited. So excited! My first week is down. I was worried about weighing in today. But I did it and it was so great! Three pounds down! Hooray!!! I love that feeling of knowing this is worth it and works. I can't wait to see more of these pounds melt off of me. I want to be RID of these bulges. <BR> <BR> I'm just so relieved. It works! :) <BR> <BR> To keep this up, I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. I'm going to work out five days a week for one hour, do 100 crunches eve... Thu, 16 Jan 2014 08:55:28 EST Family drama! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5593937 Yesterday SUCKED. It was really horrible. We had an issue with my 17 year old daughter which caused a meeting at the school and my husband coming home early, and basically an entire day of drama. Ugh. I got called down to the school in the morning so I didn't get my workout in early, then I was stressed and emotional and I just wanted to plant my face into a bag on M&Ms and order pizza for dinner and sleep. But I didn't. I stayed in my calorie range, got my workout in from 4:30 to 5:30 in the... Tue, 14 Jan 2014 19:54:34 EST Compulsively eating Chewy Sprees http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5591357 I'm waiting for dinner (pot roast). It's cooking in the crock pot. My daughters had a movie night last night and ate all kinds of junk including Chewy Sprees. I don't know what happened. I was hungry. I was standing there, and the open bag was RIGHT NEXT TO ME ON THE COUNTER. Next thing you know, bam, I'm eating chewy sprees. They're not super high in calories but I probably ate 100 calories worth for no good reason. No reason! Now tonight when I want to sit down and eat an end-of-the-day ban... Sun, 12 Jan 2014 15:47:49 EST If I wasn't already done, I'd be done now! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5589560 Today was Day Two down the path of my husband and me not eating ourselves to death. It was harder today than yesterday, but not as hard as it might have been! I made us a really good dinner, and Jim set the table with small plates (with a wink) and I ate until I was so full and it was only 356 calories! I was really relieved. I still have room to eat my chocolate chips, and maybe have a cup of hot chocolate! Or maybe a pear! <BR> <BR> Anyway, my oldest daughter went back to Arizona and compi... Fri, 10 Jan 2014 20:13:32 EST The honeymoon's over - literally! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5588496 It's been almost four months since the big day! It's been busy and exciting and the biggest adventure of my life so far! We were married on September 21st and two days later began our trip across the country from Arizona to New Jersey. It officially ended our long-distance relationship and officially started our new life together! <BR> <BR> We got here, unloaded and unpacked, and went on an AMAZING week-long cruise to Bermuda! Once we got back we got everything ready for five of my kids (my... Thu, 9 Jan 2014 20:01:19 EST Wow, motivation really makes a difference! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5462992 Hi again! I'm feeling so fantastic! I've been telling myself that a month before the wedding, I was going to get serious about eating less, but on Sunday, which was a month and 3 days before the wedding, I decided I just couldn't feel so icky anymore and I was going to get down to business. <BR> <BR> Last week I started the Coach Nicole's old-school NewYou Bootcamp Workout, which is basically cardio and strength training with a stability ball. I cut down my Nordic Track workout from an hour... Thu, 22 Aug 2013 11:31:05 EST I'm getting married!!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5456161 Yes, it's true! The best part is that I met this wonderful man here on Spark! Isn't that wonderful? He became my best supporter, then my best friend, then my best sweetheart. <BR> <BR> Getting married not only means that I'm packing up my life here in Arizona and moving me and my kids across the country to New Jersey and planning a wedding in 37 days, it also means that I need to do some slimming down! Even though my 90 day challenge wasn't the overwhelming success I was hoping for, I'm sta... Thu, 15 Aug 2013 12:50:36 EST It's over! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5405175 I made it my 90 days! Well sort of. There were a few off days there at the end but I basically proved my point to myself. Honestly, I didn't have the kind of success I hoped I would. To get any smaller, I need to either work out more (not gonna happen) or eat less. And I just don't think I'm going to eat less. I think there were probably a few days when I actually ate more than I would have if I wasn't so desperately conscious of my food. Ugh. Whatever. <BR> <BR> So the lesson learned is th... Sat, 29 Jun 2013 03:13:41 EST Day 82: Palpitations. Whatever! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5384507 Hi! So I'm still hanging in there. Still frustrated that I haven't seen more noticeable progress but hanging in there nonetheless. I know that next week I'm not going to decide hey, I can eat 2000 calories a day and stop working out. I always have and always will work out six times a week (maybe five if I have a bad day or something comes up). I know that this is the limit of calories I can really consume with my metabolism and lifestyle without gaining more weight. It's frustrating because I... Mon, 10 Jun 2013 12:06:46 EST Day 75: Home stretch! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5376776 Hi! So I had a three days where I probably went over my calories. Well, one where I know I did. I was upset with myself. I tried on those jeans that started it all and they were still tight. I was so mad, and frustrated, and freaking WHATEVER after all this work and all this attention to not have made a difference. I just said forget it and probably went 300 cals over my limit. <BR> <BR> That was probably last Wednesday. Then on Thursday was my oldest daughter's high school graduation (I kno... Mon, 3 Jun 2013 12:57:37 EST Day 61: I wore the dress! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5362420 I wore it to church yesterday, and then to a graduation ceremony for my daughter last night. I got called "gorgeous" and "stunning." I'll take it! My abs still hurt today from sucking it in so much but what's a girl to do. ;) <BR> <BR> I'm glad to be eating right and making good decisions. I'm glad I've got this challenge. I know I wouldn't have been in that dress without it! I'm not sure where I'll end up in 29 more days but I want to find out. <BR> <BR> I'm more tired than I should be, I ... Mon, 20 May 2013 14:52:39 EST Day 59: I'm here! I'm here! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5360432 I know it's been a while since I checked in! I had a visitor over mothers day and I didn't track my food. I still tried to make good choices and I'm sure I did ok. But as soon as Monday rolled around I was back on track. <BR> <BR> I'm really thinking that I am the way I am and nothing is really going to change or get better in 30 days. I think the way I'm eating now is just the way I'm going to have to eat forever, just to maintain this weight. And I guess that's ok. <BR> <BR> Anyway. That... Sat, 18 May 2013 18:21:44 EST Day 47: Still hanging in there! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5347465 It's been a tough little while. I've been wanting to eat and eat. To be completely honest, I've been picking at things here and there and not really tracking. Like, my daughter gave me a Werther's candy. I picked at some some cheese on the side of the lasagna. I know it adds up and I don't want to do it anymore. <BR> <BR> I wish I felt better about myself and the way I look after these 47 days. I know I'm halfway there, and we'll see how I'm doing in 43 days. I really want it to be worth it ... Mon, 6 May 2013 13:44:07 EST Day 44: Almost halfway there! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5344697 So tomorrow I'll be halfway done with my 90 days. It's kind of exciting! I've been working out six days a week. There are probably a couple days when I wouldn't have done it, but I dragged my butt out of bed because of this goal! But more than that, there have been days - actually, almost every day - when I would have eaten more than I have. And the emotional eating beast has always been my toughest foe! <BR> <BR> On the eve of this important day, I've also decided to do a little self-reflec... Fri, 3 May 2013 19:35:08 EST Anemia!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5343749 I put the three exclamation points there just for fun. I figured that with each one, the chance of somebody wanting to read a blog about my self-diagnosis would rise like 15%. So I just got me 45% more readers! Which makes like 4 people total, I bet. You do the math. <BR> <BR> Anyhoo, so a week ago I started to wonder if I had anemia. I've been borderline in the past and I was getting wicked tired. I decided that I would self-diagnose, self-treat and self-medicate. Which I did, and which I a... Thu, 2 May 2013 22:14:51 EST Day 43: Yup http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5343228 Hi! Just wanted to check in. Still here, still at this. It's being a good run. I tried on the dress I wore as my reward 4 years ago and it fits good! I'm probably a good 5 pounds more than I was when I wore it but I'll take that, especially considering I still have 47 days more to go on this challenge. <BR> <BR> Have a great Sparktastic day everybody! Thu, 2 May 2013 12:19:44 EST Day 39: Grrrrr so frustrated! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5337654 Still the same thing as last time - I want to eat everything. It's a little after 5pm and I only have 274 calories left for today. I'm obsessed with thinking about what I'll eat, how I can make the most of them. I'm also starting the, "What does it matter? I've been trying as hard as I can, eating good and working out so hard for 39 days and I don't look any better. I should just give up and eat whatever I want." <BR> <BR> And that's exactly why I set the 90 goal for myself. I knew I'd want ... Sat, 27 Apr 2013 20:31:45 EST Day 36: Hi! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5335211 I've been wanting to eat everything in the world over the past few days. It's been really, really hard. I want to eat and eat and eat. I end up eating too much during the day and then at night feeling stressed and anxious because I can't eat anymore. The emotional eating beast is chasing me down! <BR> <BR> I'm hoping today will be a better day. I've been staying under my calorie max, and that's the most important thing. Wish me luck! Thu, 25 Apr 2013 11:11:48 EST Day 32: Time to track progress? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5331145 Hi there! Well, I'm past my first 30 days and it feels good. I feel good about myself - much better. I don't feel bloated or huge. I still feel bigger than I would like to be, but the strangest thing I noticed today is how it feels to cross my legs. When I was at my smallest after I lost the original weight here on spark, I would cross my legs and then I would tuck the crossed leg back under the calf of the other leg. Know what I mean? Like a pretzel. Gaining some weight in my thighs meant I ... Sun, 21 Apr 2013 23:38:24 EST Day 28: Nothing new! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5326960 Everything is the same but I wanted to write and check in anyway! I've been eating under my calorie limit, working out every day. I wake up about a half hour before my alarm clock and lay in bed stressed out and finally get up literally trembling and shaking. What. The. Heck. I need to learn to relax. But I work out right away and that takes care of a lot of the tension. <BR> <BR> It's a gorgeous day and I want to take advantage of it but I don't want to put makeup on so I won't end up going... Wed, 17 Apr 2013 21:58:36 EST Day 24: Dealing with the unexpected! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5322347 So on Wednesday I talked about how I was going to go out with my friend and have ice cream. I had already gone online and picked what I was going to have and tracked it before I went out, so when we were there, I knew exactly what I was going to pick and I drank the whole root beer float and didn't have to feel guilty about a thing! <BR> <BR> The next night we had a church dinner for us ladies and I planned ahead for that too. I also didn't have any of the cake (I don't really like cake. It'... Sun, 14 Apr 2013 00:15:57 EST Day 21: Dreams and weighing in http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5318194 Well hi there! Yes, I am still going at this! I haven't written for a few days because I've been so busy. I'm actually working out right now - I have six minutes left and I need something to do so here we go. :) <BR> <BR> I had to go to the doctor after work yesterday to get a prescription renewed. The girl says, "Let's start by getting your weight," and I announced, "I do NOT want to know what it is!" And I stepped up and closed my eyes until she said she was done and then hopped down. I wa... Wed, 10 Apr 2013 10:05:33 EST Day 17: Clothes shopping http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5314061 I took my daughter to get her 8th grade promotion dress and decided to try on some clothes too. It was kind of depressing. I don't know how to look at myself. There are so many mirrors everywhere and I kept seeing myself walking around and I just didn't know what to make of it. I don't like the way I look, but I know I'm doing everything I can to look better. I'm worried it's not going to work and I'm going to do all this and in two and a half months I'll look exactly the same and it'll be pr... Sat, 6 Apr 2013 21:57:38 EST Day 15 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5311992 Apparently not every day can be a good day and I knew after feeling good and positive and peaceful for a few days, I would experience the inevitable break. It was a sad day. I feel sad and down. Actually, I felt much worse earlier and now that I've eaten some dinner and I'm settling down for the night I'm feeling better. I've been at such peace with what's going on in my life, I was almost shocked by it. It was like I could feel other people's prayers for me. And today, I don't know, I just k... Thu, 4 Apr 2013 22:31:10 EST Day 14: I rock! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5310589 I didn't write yesterday, not because I'm superstitious but because I ran out of time! It was a great day. Today has been great too! I'm so grateful for this challenge for myself. It is really keeping me on track, much more than I thought possible. <BR> <BR> A few weeks ago I got gel polish on my nails and it lasted two weeks and looked beautiful. I finally took it off only because my nails were growing and so there was a big gap at the base! I repainted them with regular polish and they are... Wed, 3 Apr 2013 20:08:28 EST Day 12: A beautiful evening! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5308196 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/1/l1165655725.jpg"> <BR> <BR> So this is the view from my backyard. I love Arizona! I especially love this backyard because I worked so hard on it today. I woke up at 4:30 (actually at 4:15 because my poor little guy was throwing up - maybe too much candy!) and once I got him back to bed, I worked out for an hour and clocked into work at 6. Worked until 2:30 and started on the yard work. Mowed and trimmed the grass, pruned the bushes, sprayed ... Mon, 1 Apr 2013 22:50:12 EST Day 11: I survived http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5306856 I did. Easter. I ate to my calorie limit but not over. I tracked everything. I had an emotionally difficult and draining day but I had support from people who love and care about me. I feel all weird and hollowed out. I'm glad I work the early shift tomorrow so I can get it over with. I'm going to wake up an hour early, at 4:30, to still get my workout done and not have it hanging over my head all day. <BR> <BR> The depression I've been slogging through ebbs and flows. It was bad earlier tod... Sun, 31 Mar 2013 23:45:10 EST Day Ten http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5305359 Yes, I'm still here and hanging in, even though I missed day nine! I brought my calorie count really close to the edge, like probably 5 calories to my max. But it was great to have my goal or I would have been eating my feelings all day. Instead, I took the kids to the pool and brought my water bottle and still had no Easter candy even though I found some of the good Cadbury eggs and let myself have one. :) <BR> <BR> I already had a sobbing breakdown this morning so hopefully that's over and... Sat, 30 Mar 2013 12:47:21 EST Day Eight: Easterrrrrr Candyyyyyyy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5303858 Ergh! I want to eat it all! And of course I could eat it all and then I would feel so bad about it and my hard work would be ruined so I won't. I ate a Cadbury egg. The store was out of the good kind, the regular kind, so I had the chocolate filled kind. Now, I know you want to say, "But Elyse! I thought you loved chocolate? I thought you wanted to swim in it, wash your hair in it, etc. etc. Why wouldn't the chocolate filled kind be the 'good kind'?" Well let me tell you. Because it ain't. Be... Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:01:33 EST Day Eight http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5302551 Foodwise, this has been a pretty easy one! No temptations to go crazy. I've been pretty down today, but trying to pull myself out of it. A fantastic lady from church brought me a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich the other day and it was really good, so when I was at the store I decided to get me a box. I'm going to eat one later when I come home from some visits I have to make. I already put it in my spark tracker so woohoo! <BR> <BR> I put on those too-tight pants and I've been wearing them al... Wed, 27 Mar 2013 22:03:24 EST I refuse! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5301076 I refuse to let my emotions now wreck my chances of looking awesome in June. Woohoo! I can't wait! <BR> <BR> <em>9</em> <BR> <BR> I'm working hard to keep my mind focused, not just like focused on my goal, but not having my thoughts zooming around overwhelmingly in my head. I'm controlling my breathing, relaxing, putting myself in the moment. It feels really good and it's important to me. It's going to be important to me in the end. <BR> <BR> But I REALLY like what I said up there and ... Tue, 26 Mar 2013 17:28:02 EST Day Seven http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5300867 I am stressed out at work. I really hate work. Mostly, I hate how I react to work and stress. Because I'm a perfectionist, I feel like I always have to be the best, do more than anybody else and do it better. And if I make any mistakes (and everybody makes mistakes) then I get so down on myself and almost panic. It's ridiculous and I'm working to retrain myself so I don't do it all the time. <BR> <BR> Anyway, sitting here at home, working, stressed, all I want to do is eat. Plus, I actually ... Tue, 26 Mar 2013 13:42:00 EST Day Six! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5300193 I ran again! It was much better this time. I was feeling down and worried and sad and I went out there and accomplished things and it felt fantastic. Eating was good too - tracked everything and stayed in my calorie range. I still have some calories left over so I might go have me a nighttime snack! Mon, 25 Mar 2013 23:33:19 EST Tricky Thoughts Day Five: Today was better http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5298720 Everybody at church knew something was wrong with me because I have this way of broadcasting every feeling I have by the look on my face. I can't, and have never been able to, hide what I'm feeling. This has been pointed out to me a few times over the years. Anyway, I ended up getting some really nice hugs, a blessing, cookies, and two (yes, two!) homemade dinners delivered to my door. I'd already had to grill hamburgers because they would have gone bad if I didn't but I'm still looking forwa... Sun, 24 Mar 2013 21:26:24 EST That was a mistake. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5297827 I don't think it really was a mistake, but it sure was pretty horrible. I got my new running shoes today (see blog below). I've been so terribly, awfully sad, hanging on by just a thread every moment. I was looking forward to running and feeling that old feeling. <BR> <BR> So I walked outside to stretch. I was listening to an awesome song and trying to get myself psyched up and ready to go. I was leaning up against the side of the car stretching in my driveway when a car starting coming down... Sun, 24 Mar 2013 01:03:30 EST New shoes! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5297614 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/5/l155820381.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Look at these crazy mothers! I'm so excited to have new running shoes after four and a half years, and I am so excited to get out and go running tonight! I'm not crazy about the orange but I'm crazy about how they feel and the pronation control they're going to give me. Yay! Sat, 23 Mar 2013 21:06:15 EST Tricky Thoughts Day Four: Well, this was unexpected http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5297225 I'm in a kind of state of shock, I think. I'm trying to keep moving and keep busy and not stop because then these terrible feelings just settle down on me and they're crushing. Writing in here is a little too much, so I'm going to keep it short. <BR> <BR> The thought of eating anything makes me physically sick. I suppose that I need to take that as a bonus right now! It's a whole lot better than if I was drowning myself in food! I ended with about 900 calories yesterday and that's not terri... Sat, 23 Mar 2013 13:20:50 EST