HEATHER109's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=HEATHER109 HEATHER109's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ January 22...just because http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5218833 it's been ages since I put a blog entry up here... <BR> <BR> Yesterday was a terrible self-image day for me. I'd had quite enough of seeing images of tiny little hard-bodied women getting loved and recognized for the gorgeousness that everyone seems to see in them. I let myself wallow in it for a while, then realized what I really wanted to do was get some new pictures taken, so that I could see myself in a more positive light, and present myself in that light as well. Hubs had been talking ... Tue, 22 Jan 2013 15:30:34 EST just moody http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5101268 I've been on top of the world for a long time now, and I knew that kind of high just doesn't last. Dating happily, family relationships harmonious, great weather, career progress, spiritually connected even. <BR> But now today I'm feeling low energy, easily frustrated, really tired, and lonely. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, for various reasons, and I've been busy with inside activities mostly. For at least a week, I didn't cook anything from scratch, which I usually love to do.... Tue, 16 Oct 2012 12:10:49 EST Shy sucks! (confessions of a reforming emotional eater) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4890165 I have always thought of myself as a shy person, but I keep having people tell me they can't believe it. This is an example of why I say that about myself... <BR> <BR> I sing in a wonderful, friendly, inclusive, LGBTS chorale group. I love it, and I've had lots of friendly interactions with my fellow singers during rehearsals. Today was the final concert of our Spring season, with a "cast" party afterwards. It was set up at a cute, fun 50's style diner that serves typical diner food...greasy... Sun, 20 May 2012 19:20:22 EST Eating in the Light of the Moon - Relationships http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4882614 It's been a while since I wrote anything about this book. A few chapters have gone by with more of the same theme of recognizing the true emotion behind the drive to eat. So I didn't want to focus on redundancy. This one branches into something a little new, but a little known. Finding balance in relationship. <BR> <BR> "Many women who struggle with disordered eating find themselves surrounded by others who do not share equally in the responsibility for nurturing a relationship. These women ... Tue, 15 May 2012 13:02:59 EST Fake it til you make it http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4832507 I had a thought today...It's a sound psych principle that when you're trying to learn new behavior, or overcome a mental health obstacle or challenge, it can be really helpful to "act as if". In the case of someone depressed, it can mean thinking about how a non-depressed person would act, move through their day, etc, and act like that yourself. <BR> <BR> In the case of eating habits, what would it be like to think about eating like the fit and healthy and magnificent person inside you woul... Thu, 12 Apr 2012 21:08:12 EST Eating by the Light of the Moon - The Red Herring and Addiction http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4826912 It's been a while since I read this book and wrote about it. Actually thought I'd lost the book, or it'd been borrowed without permission. But I found it where it had slid under the couch, and happily shut myself in my room for quiet time with it and my journal. After one chapter, I hadn't had enough, so went ahead and read another. Turns out the two go together really nicely. <BR> <BR> The Red Herring is about the fact that food is NOT the issue in disordered eating. It is the cover-up thr... Mon, 9 Apr 2012 11:34:05 EST Eating by the Light of the Moon - The Beginning http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4766677 This chapter is about re-visioning the start of our disordered eating patterns. The story/fairy tale associated with it is The Emperor's New Clothes. In that story, the only one who owned up to the fact that the Emperor was running around naked was a young girl. Those attending the Emperor, and the other townspeople were all pretending that everything was as it should be, to save themselves or the Emperor's dignity. The main message the author pulled out of this story is how crazy-making it i... Fri, 2 Mar 2012 08:11:27 EST Eating in the Light of the Moon - The Buried Moon http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4739669 Yesterday I started a re-read of Eating in the Light of the Moon, by Anita Johnston. It was at least a year ago that I bought it and read it the first time, as it turns out, with highlighter in hand even. But it got recommended to me again a couple weeks ago, so I'm taking that as a message to dig in again. This time, I thought I'd try to do a blog entry for each chapter about my thoughts and responses to it. So here goes. <BR> <BR> If disordered eating has roots in an inner imbalance betwe... Wed, 15 Feb 2012 08:20:24 EST eye-openers http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4667263 A couple random moments in the course of the last week or so that caught me off guard, and concern me more than I'd like... <BR> <BR> One day, while doing jumping jacks for my QFC, in the living room, in front of my daughter, she says to me after a set is done, "mom, I want to see the lines on you" only I think I hear her say "lights on me" because the christmas lights are on behind me. Turns out, she's spotted my stretch marks on my stomach, and wanted to see and touch them. Lovely, right??... Sun, 8 Jan 2012 21:58:35 EST Intentions for 2012 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4654037 I've been reading recently about the differences between setting intentions and making goals. I like the language of intention better. It feels less restrictive and less likely to end in disappointment and not living up to my expectations. So here it is... <BR> <BR> - Some sort of cardio-effective activity for 30 min 3X/wk <BR> - Daily meditation for at least 10 minutes <BR> - Journal at least 3X/wk <BR> - When the weather is appropriate, get out for a hike at least once a week <BR> <BR> Th... Tue, 3 Jan 2012 12:09:34 EST Rich experiences http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4648418 What is the non-food equivalent of the thick creaminess of cold stone ice cream? the smooth lubrication of good quality butter? the complex delights of stilton cheese? (can you tell I'm a dairy fan here?) <BR> <BR> What experiences can I sink my teeth into like a perfectly medium rare beef at a brazilian steakhouse? What will spark my internal fire like a burrito smothered in hot green chile? <BR> <BR> I fully admit to being a hedonist. I like to indulge in sensual things of all sorts. Par... Sun, 1 Jan 2012 13:06:34 EST my addiction http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4639948 Somehow, along the way, I've come to be able to comfortably admit the fact that I am addicted to food. I may still try to soft-pedal the language of it sometimes, but I know it to be true. <BR> <BR> When I think about the idea of cleaning out all unhealthy foods from my kitchen, from baking supplies to snacks, my reaction is anger and a bit of panic. I can identify that as the attitude of one whose access to their drug of choice is being taken away. The idea that the only options I could ha... Tue, 27 Dec 2011 11:10:25 EST Christmas contemplations http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4638235 It's another holiday season past us now. This one was somehow hard to get really in the spirit for this year. Oh well. It was a fun day, with family and friends contact, no stress, and very little drama. For the first time ever, I didn't do holiday food from scratch. We went with the package deal from our favorite local supermarket. It was good, definitely, iffy on the healthy factor at times. But at least I only had one plate full, and no dessert. Skipped it intentionally because of the nibb... Sun, 25 Dec 2011 23:03:02 EST maybe... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4635132 just maybe...I could be starting to realize how exercise could be good. I hesitate to even say anything, even to myself, about this, because so many times i've thought i was at a turning point and it just didn't last. I think i want it to. I keep thinking about how maybe increased energy really does happen. Maybe it really would feel good to feel my body in action of another type than sexual. Maybe it would be nice to feel firmer. Maybe it would be nice to be sexy and graceful. Maybe I could ... Thu, 22 Dec 2011 11:41:45 EST Post-workday urges http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4576677 It's the end of my pseudo-workweek today. Being a student, the entirety of my obligation at this point is Tues 12-6, and Wed 9-12. I've identified before that I tend to want to eat "treat" foods at the end of my Wed commitment. Today I think I'm seeing a potential explanation. I've been in my head and functioning at a higher level of engagement than has become usual. I'm "on", I'm in professional mode, I'm thinking about a lot of things, tossing ideas around. As much as I enjoy being in that ... Wed, 9 Nov 2011 16:13:32 EST So Damn Frustrated Today! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4414423 Warning! This will be a rant and a vent. I need it! <BR> <BR> I'm so sick and tired of working so hard all the time, never having time to do what I want to do instead of what other people expect me to do! People say, just make a point of carving out time for yourself. You deserve it. Take care of you so that you can take care of others. All that bs. When it comes right down to it, what can I really do?? Finances are tight enough that I have to watch where I go, to make sure I have gas in th... Mon, 8 Aug 2011 12:42:25 EST Interrupting the cycle http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4408934 What is it about 3-4 PM that makes me lose all my motivation? I'm finding out that I can do just fine staying on-track in the morning, even through lunch usually. But then about 3 I just hit some sort of a wall, and it's next to impossible to keep it up. Usually I want an indulgent snack then. It's been a long enough day, and I'm bored enough with life, that I just can't resist eating something exciting. This is especially true if I've spent the day in mommy mode, and haven't had enough me-ti... Fri, 5 Aug 2011 13:00:43 EST A solidly good day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4405668 Today I actually got everything done, as far as fitness and nutrition work goes anyway. <BR> I walked the dog at the nearby state park/lake for about 45 minutes this morning, did my core routine, and stretched afterwards. I swear I did my food logging as thoroughly and accurately as I could, and at this point my calories are safely within range, and still not enough carbs. I even had a cupcake after dinner! How the hell can you have dessert and still finish up with carbs to spare? I don't ge... Wed, 3 Aug 2011 22:11:52 EST Me and my support people http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4402790 It's so hard to watch what I eat, with a husband who doesn't have enough body fat to float, and a daughter who looks like a little pixie girl. He gets to eat whatever he wants, and it doesn't change a thing. Plus, he actually LIKES a good hard workout on a regular basis! How strange is that? He gets all happy and raring to go when he gets his workout time. I, on the other hand, get cranky and bitchy and down on myself when I put in the effort for a solid cardio workout. Then there's her. She ... Tue, 2 Aug 2011 16:35:32 EST fear of greatness?? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4371453 I am attempting a fresh start at this, yet again. I saw that it'd been 255 days, or something like that, since I was on this site. Shocking! But in the course of that almost year, I've done a lot of work on myself. I am not the person I was, and it's all for the good. <BR> <BR> But with my new self-awareness, I am coming to realize something about myself. There's a part of me that is afraid of being the stunning beauty that I can see underneath my padding sometimes. I'm just exploring what ... Mon, 18 Jul 2011 23:14:28 EST I'm back http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3470351 (swallowing my irritation that I wrote all of a blog entry only to have it erased when I tried to post. going to have to contact admin.) <BR> <BR> I took a couple months off from the effort of eating right and exercising. I've done that before, and I know I only postpone the end goal when I do that, so I should buckle down and push through those urges to relax about it. But I also don't want to accept the fact that if I want to stay at a healthy weight I'll have to work at it for the rest of... Mon, 26 Jul 2010 10:29:01 EST happily baffled http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3279586 So, I've had a hectic week, including several meals served via drive-thru. I've put effort into thinking about portion control and choices, but not really stressed myself over it. Then on a lark, I decided to weigh myself this morning. Sometimes I do that at the start of a weekend, even though my weigh-in day is Monday, just so I know how strict I have to be with myself over the weekend. Well, I lost 2 pounds this week! Don't know how that happened, but I'll take it. Happy birthday to me! Tha... Sat, 29 May 2010 11:23:12 EST changing mindset about thinness http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3263370 I'm on an interesting mental journey these days. I've identified that I have a block about being a thin person. Somehow, being thin got connected with being weak, or at least with people assuming you were weak. I realized that I had the idea (distorted) that people don't take a thin, beautiful woman seriously. She is either seen as someone who needs to be taken care of, or someone who's purpose in life is to entertain and arouse you. Her brain and her strength weren't acknowledged at all. I n... Mon, 24 May 2010 15:37:52 EST ready, set, go for Summer! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3217768 All the prep work we can think of has been done. The plans are in place to stay sane and on top of things. My desk is organized. My goals are posted on the fridge. My day planner is seeing good use already. I think we can do this. <BR> Last night was the beginning of Summer semester's classes. I have a drive of more than an hour to get to my Monday class, which works well for me really. I have time to ground and clear my head. The drive home can serve the same way. No hard subject matter, but... Tue, 11 May 2010 10:37:28 EST 4 days and counting http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3204719 The goals and rewards must be helping. I've had 4 100%days in a row now. Starting to see a little effort fatigue this morning, but I'm going to try to keep busy and plan for the rest of the day. A friend is coming over with her daughter tonight, and she loves Chick-fil-A, so we're going to have that. I went to their site and found out what I can eat with minimal splurging. Would you believe that 12 nuggets, breaded and fried, are less calories than a grilled chicken sandwich?? Only 400 calori... Fri, 7 May 2010 10:50:09 EST goals and rewards http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3189680 I'm thinking it's time to get personal about this process. What would I like to accomplish? and what would serve as a meaningful reward for steps taken toward those accomplishments? I'm going to take a little bit of time to sit with this entry before I post it, so that I can do a thorough job and find workable ideas. <BR> I like the idea of a reward for each 100% day. If I have a day where I eat sensibly (i still struggle not to say "eat good"), get some exercise in, and drink my water, then ... Mon, 3 May 2010 14:14:47 EST self-reflection again?!? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3163286 Never thought I'd say this, but I'm tired of reflecting on my inner world. I'm a nice strong Introvert, according to the Myers-Briggs, but I think I've had enough. It's time for action. It's time to focus on others. There's a paper on my computer waiting to be finished, but it's about me again, and I just don't want to spend anymore time on it. I'll do it. I always do. Then I'll find something fun to do instead. Mon, 26 Apr 2010 14:45:40 EST time for honesty http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3136634 I really didn't want to own up to the fact that my scale has told me about a weight gain for the past couple weeks. I kept hoping it was a mistake. Maybe it was water weight. I've been eating too much salty food (my biggest weakness). I was near my period. All that is true, but the simple truth is, I have been eating things I shouldn't eat for close to a month now, and it's caught up with me. I have to admit that I need help to stay motivated. I get bored too easily. I treat food like a treat... Mon, 19 Apr 2010 13:01:25 EST trying again http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3114140 ok, so it's time to give this another go. my stress factors have been lessened, meaning i've caught up on my school work, and the mortgage situation seems to be figuring itself out somehow. there are still things that suck, that tend to send me emotionally eating. But I'm ready to start tracking again, and exercising, at least the strength exercises. It's still hard to get any cardio, with kid and dog who think i want to play everytime i try to do that around the house. but i really do want t... Tue, 13 Apr 2010 11:30:02 EST too much http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3065816 The last straw has been placed. I can't handle anymore stress or responsibilities. It's just too hard for me to care about food and fitness right now. I seriously want to just give up and relax about one thing in my life, and since the other areas are not options, dieting may be the thing that slips. Being a mom is f-ing hard work, and it just doesn't let up. I can't decide one day that I don't want to do it. I just have to. Potty training and temper tantrums and tests of will are just par f... Wed, 31 Mar 2010 15:27:45 EST surprised http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3001908 So, today was weigh-in day. I was dreading it. Last week I gained 2 pounds back, for some reason. Likely because I am still having a terribly hard time feeling motivated. But I was surprised to find that I had lost them again this morning. Then, I realized it had been a month since I did the whole measurements thing, and reached for my tape measure with a touch of trepidation. Again, pleasantly surprised. Everything is down by at least another half inch. Shakes head....Not sure how, since I d... Mon, 15 Mar 2010 12:18:07 EST yogic lesson http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2965003 Last night, although I was stressed to the point where I almost decided to stay home and eat instead, I went to my restorative yoga class. Sometimes it's more challenging than I like to admit to find a place of relaxation and centering. The teacher said something that I carried with me into a meditative state and dwelled on for a while. "Sometimes the harder you try to accomplish something, the more it slips away from you. To achieve it, let go of grasping." <BR> I've been telling myself it's... Sat, 6 Mar 2010 09:18:51 EST Pleasure http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2948206 I've had next to no motivation to deny myself lately. Granted, I didn't indulge too terribly, and I'm not beating myself up over it, but I knew I needed to figure out what it was about and how to change it. <BR> This morning I realized that I'm bored with my lifestyle as it is right now. I feel trapped in the roles of suburban wife and mother. I used to be so much more than that, and I'm feeling the lack of those other things these days. I won't go into a ton of detail on this site, so I don... Tue, 2 Mar 2010 12:15:44 EST a stumble http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2904739 Yesterday was NOT a good day for me. I was tired of caring about what I put in my mouth. My girl was pushing my every button. I was bored out of my mind. This is a dangerous place for me to be in. My emotional eating tends to happen when I either need stimulation, something exciting, or when I'm so irritated or pissed off that I need to destroy something. Food is excellent for destroying! Something salty and crunchy is usually what I go for when that's the case. This time, instead of eating, ... Sat, 20 Feb 2010 09:17:12 EST You sexy thang! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2862521 My husband and I just got back from a weekend spent in Vegas for our 4th anniversary. We had a blast! I had always said that I just wasn't the Vegas type, and had no interest in going. After our time there, I know that I'm not interested in gambling, but that there's plenty to do there besides that. We saw an awesome show one night, and hung out in nightclubs in our hotel both nights we were there. I found myself eating fairly healthily without pushing myself to diet. I even had tuna grilled ... Tue, 9 Feb 2010 18:34:46 EST switch flipped? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2826894 I think my mental switch has flipped. This weekend my husband, daughter, and I stayed up in Breckenridge for a getaway. It was a reunification type thing for families who had a deployment for the military last year, so we had to sit through some presentations, but it mostly felt like family vacation time really. They provided childcare, which surprisingly, Em loved. So we got to have grownup time to ourselves too, which is so rare, and very appreciated! <BR> The thing that I'm really thrille... Mon, 1 Feb 2010 17:23:02 EST Time for me! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2776876 Ahhh, the dog is at doggy daycare, my daughter is at her daycare today, so it's just me and the cat at home. It's perfectly lovely so far. I'm on the computer, uninterrupted by little fingers wanting to type, a purring kitty laying on the desk in front of me. Now it's just time to figure out how I want to spend my day.... <BR> Chat online with no mommy guilt? <BR> Cross stitch in front of a grown-up movie? <BR> Yoga and meditation? <BR> Bubblebath with tea and candles? <BR> Plan meals for the... Thu, 21 Jan 2010 11:32:17 EST Turning point http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2764128 Well, I knew things were getting worse, clothes fitting tighter, feeling breathless and tired too easily, but I honestly didn't think I'd gained weight like this. I decided a few days ago that I maybe should think about doing something about it, and had a few thoughts about how to go about it. My husband, lovely man that he is, found this site and told me it looked like it would be helpful. So today we had a date day without the little girl, and among other things, bought a scale for the firs... Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:41:43 EST