HEALTHYNCGAL's SparkPeople Blog HEALTHYNCGAL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Did what I could do TODAY. First of all, my SparkPeople commenters continue to amaze me with their unwavering support and positive encouragement. I would like to personally thank each one of you who have commented over the past couple of days. You guys make me feel like I really can do this, and I simply can't thank y'all enough for your kind words. <BR> <BR> Secondly, I had plans to wake up this morning and do one of my Jillian Michaels weight-training workouts. Last night, I had a pretty hard cry, so I woke up in th... Tue, 23 Jun 2015 20:17:32 EST Focus on the journey, not the destination. This morning, I actually got up and went to the gym. I can still hardly believe it. I ate pretty well today, too -- but could've done better. (I've been feeling guilty about eating two oatmeal raisin cookies at school today). But other than that one thing, I did a good job. <BR> <BR> I had an absolute breakdown tonight...just a little while ago in fact. I was texting with my mom, and we were talking about various things. I told her I went back to the gym this morning. Here's how our convers... Mon, 22 Jun 2015 21:38:05 EST The only one who can beat me is me. I've started a written weight loss journal. Today is "day one." I've set a couple of short-term weight loss goals, and a couple of personal goals. I've written down all of my measurements, weight, etc. I like having papers that I can just flip through when I want to look at my progress. I feel scared. I feel like I'm going to fail again. At the same time, I feel motivated. But I mostly feel scared. I know I've failed over and over again, but I just can't give up on myself. What am I going to ... Sun, 21 Jun 2015 19:18:37 EST Little changes, nice changes. I need some place to vent, so I use my journal. In my real life, I'm a very upbeat and happy person. In order to do that, I need to have some outlet to pour my frustrations into, so I don't end up taking it out on my loved ones, so I don't have poor performance at work, etc. That being said, I know I do vent a lot in here. That's the main reason I have this journal -- to put frustrations into. I also know I vent a lot about Husband. I guess sometimes I don't realize how badly things are reall... Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:51:19 EST Cellophane. I feel so invisible. Husband just doesn't really notice me. I feel like we get along "fine" -- but I feel like we're more like roommates who sleep in the same bed. The past little while, I've even been feeling awkward about sleeping in the same bed, honestly. He just always (and I mean ALWAYS) has some kind of distraction. He'll get involved in a lengthy book series and do nothing but read it. Constantly. He'll binge watch a TV show on Netflix. He'll get absorbed in some video game, and do no... Mon, 15 Jun 2015 20:51:08 EST No sex. I basically have a sexless marriage. <BR> <BR> I don't remember the last time Husband and I had sex. It's been quite a few months now. I don't remember the last time, because I didn't write it down on the calendar or anything. I know it had also been quite a few months before that last time as well. So twice in the past 8-10 months? I honestly don't know the time period. I don't think it matters. I just know the gaps between times gets increasingly longer each go around. <BR> <BR> We've b... Sat, 6 Jun 2015 18:06:14 EST Ladies Night Out...and I still did well! I've recently mentioned the co-workers/new friends I've been spending time with. Well, tonight we had another Ladies Night out. We went out to dinner, where we had a lot of laughs...and a cocktail. Then we did a little shopping, and we ended the evening with a movie. We went to see Spy, and it was HILARIOUS! We had the best time, and my cheeks are still sore from laughing all night! One of the ladies even paid for all our movie tickets, so that was a sweet surprise. I still can't quite get ov... Fri, 5 Jun 2015 23:21:43 EST Premonition? Last night, I had a dream that I was thin again. Just like I used to be. <BR> <BR> I was in my bathroom, looking in my mirror, and all of a sudden in dawned on me that I was thin. My double chin was gone. My fat cheeks had changed into pretty cheekbones. I was stunned to see myself. <BR> <BR> I hope that dream becomes a reality. Thu, 4 Jun 2015 19:34:32 EST Things are still going well :) Day Three included more success. I ate well and maintained a positive attitude...which is fairly easy to do when your dad sends you a random text first thing in the morning: "I just wanted to send you a smile :)" It made my whole day. I'm taking Daughter down to visit them next month, and I can't wait! I love my parents so much, and I'm so excited to be able to spend time with them. They've just moved into a new condo only a couple of weeks ago, and we are so excited to go visit them. Their n... Wed, 3 Jun 2015 19:59:59 EST A non-scale victory on Day Two! Tonight was Daughter's very last musical performance with her middle school. I still can't believe the next performance we attend will be at the HIGH SCHOOL. Craziness. Anyway, Husband and I went, and two of his sisters came, all their girls, Husband's mom, and then two of his other sister's kids. So 11 of us came to watch Daughter. It was a great concert, as usual. We had made plans to take the kids to Dairy Queen for ice cream afterwards (of COURSE we would decide to get ice cream on Day Tw... Tue, 2 Jun 2015 22:55:03 EST New friends, new goals, a new life. I actually had a pretty good amount of motivation today. I stayed on my diet all day and even went to the gym for a little bit. I rode the bike for 15 minutes. I was happy about that. I had been talking to a co-worker, and she suggested setting a fitness goal that I "could actually do." So I knew I would be able to do 15 minutes of some kind of exercise, so I did. And in only 15 minutes, I rode 3.08 miles! So steps. I made it through my first day, and I'm proud of that. I'm glad I... Mon, 1 Jun 2015 21:41:05 EST It's a new dawn, it's a new day... I'm not even really sure where to start. I just know I want to try again. Tomorrow is a new month, a new week, and a new chance to make good choices. I had a[nother] big heart-to-heart with myself tonight as I was sitting in my bubble bath. I've done all the work. I've figured out WHY my weight is what it is. I understand what to do, what not to do, and the importance of it all. The only thing I can't seem to figure out is HOW to make myself stick to it over the long-term. But I guess right n... Sun, 31 May 2015 22:01:58 EST Life sucks...partially anyway. My FIL passed away a little over a week ago. He was one day shy of being a full month into his diagnosis when he died. I am still in a sort of shock over it. We had four (yes...FOUR) services last week. It was just sort of a relentless sadness; a continual ripping off of the scab. There is still so much "up in the air" with the family drama and stress. I'm doing the best I can with it, but it's hard. My therapist helped me learn about boundaries during my last session, as well as how to deal ... Tue, 5 May 2015 19:51:16 EST Stress Overload I'm unbelievably stressed, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even really know where to begin. <BR> <BR> To begin with, my FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer a couple of weeks ago. He's going downhill fast. I have certainly been at odds with the in-laws in recent years. We've been trying to work things out, and we've been getting there...but slowly. Things haven't always been moving in a positive direction. At any rate, this whole situation has really shaken the fam... Mon, 13 Apr 2015 21:00:14 EST OMG! I'VE LOST 10 POUNDS! As of this morning, I've lost 10.2 pounds!!! Only 82 more to go, LOL! <BR> <BR> <em>246</em> <em>224</em> <em>334</em> Sat, 4 Apr 2015 10:49:42 EST I actually lost weight. I lost another 1.2 pounds, bringing my total loss to 9.4 over the past three weeks. (I started back on March 15-16). That's ALMOST 10 pounds. I'm really surprised and impressed that I'm actually losing weight, even though I've been so incredibly stressed lately. My co-worker brought that up the other day. She said, "You know, things have been SO STRESSFUL, but we are STILL losing weight." I hadn't ever really thought about that. She's really got a good attitude about things. She says things l... Fri, 3 Apr 2015 09:43:06 EST So frustrated. I can't escape stress. I just can't. <BR> <BR> Last week, my FIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. We haven't really had much to do with Husband's family in recent years, because, they're...well...crazy. They're just crazy. But we certainly don't wish them any harm. I don't want anything but good things for them. We did go over and visit FIL (and the entire family) after learning of his diagnosis. <BR> <BR> I went on my Girls Night Out last Wednesday and it was great. I decide... Wed, 1 Apr 2015 19:12:48 EST I want to keep going...But HOW? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I happened upon this quote the other day on Pinterest, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I can't even recall how many times I've failed (aka given up). I was talking about it with my SIL last night, and both of us want to stick to it this time. I mean, I've wanted to stick to it every time, of course. My other SIL is really struggling. She's struggling with some family crap. When we suggested the ... Tue, 24 Mar 2015 20:50:07 EST South Beach Diet, Phase One -- Week One BOOM. Week One is DONE. <BR> <BR> I did really well this week. I kept my promise to myself and worked out all but one day last week (during the work week). I worked out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I stayed on Phase One, but I did have some baby carrots. (They were in a bag of raw mixed veggies that I bought and I didn't think about carrots not being "allowed" but I don't care. I ate them anyway. It's baby carrots, not a bowl of ice cream). I also allowed myself to have a couple ... Sun, 22 Mar 2015 12:12:31 EST Pre Day ONE! I'm starting over again tomorrow! I'm going to do it. I weighed myself, took all my measurements, bought healthy food, purchased some new weight-lifting DVDs (I'm not comfortable lifting weights at the gym). My SIL and I are starting Phase One of South Beach Diet tomorrow. I will do Phase One for two weeks, and I will also incorporate high-quality veggie juice. I told Husband, Daughter, and both SILs that I want them to call me out if I'm making a mistake or a bad choice. I told them I would ... Sun, 15 Mar 2015 21:36:15 EST Hopeful. I used to be in such phenomenal shape. I was a gymnast. A swimmer. A bike rider. I was moving from the time I woke up until the time my head hit the pillow. I felt like my body could do anything. I was so strong. I really felt badass. <BR> <BR> I miss that. I miss it so much. <BR> <BR> For so many years, I've been struggling. I've gone up and down and have probably lost and gained a thousand pounds...not even kidding. My body can't do as much as it once could, but there are still things I c... Thu, 12 Mar 2015 21:10:21 EST Never felt like this before. I am in tears. I weigh 236 pounds. I've gained even more weight, and I am currently not only the heaviest I've ever been, I am almost exactly TWO TIMES heavier than I was when I met my husband. I just did a little math on my calculator -- when I moved back from GA in September 2011, I was 162. In 3.5 years, I've gained 74 pounds. If I continue, I will weigh 310 pounds by the end of 2018. And there was a time when I wouldn't even consider such a thing. It would be preposterous. But now, it see... Mon, 9 Mar 2015 18:30:47 EST Saturday I didn't go to the gym today, but I DID do something I haven't done in a long, long time: <BR> <BR> I WAS SOCIAL. <BR> <BR> I took Daughter to the animal shelter where she volunteers. My niece was also planning to volunteer today, so my SIL and I sat out in her van for an hour and a half and visited. We talked about how she had gone out to dinner on Thursday with my other SIL (the one who's been having all these major issues with the family). We talked about the dinner and about the whole ... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 17:40:28 EST Thinking about trying again (again). I think I may actually go to the gym tomorrow. I've been feeling so terribly depressed about my gains, and about my humongous weight in general, but I felt positive and optimistic this afternoon and evening for some reason. I know in my heart that my body won't look better if I keep doing what I'm doing. I probably need to suck it up and count calories, too. I hope I still have the motivation to go tomorrow. I have a little over 100 pounds to lose. If I can lose 2 pounds per week, I could mee... Fri, 27 Feb 2015 21:28:59 EST Gained again. I'm 235 now. I've gained 5 pounds in less than a week. I start getting my period yesterday evening (and got it big time today) so that may have something to do with it. But STILL. I'm 5 pounds heavier than I was the last time I weighed in. <BR> <BR> I was texting with my SIL earlier. Just to back up a little, half of my in-laws are fine, and the other half are absolutely CRAZY. It's a really long story that I'll save for another time. However... She and I have been talking a lot lately abou... Sun, 22 Feb 2015 20:40:17 EST I think I just might give up. I don't even know what to say. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life. 230 pounds now. I just keep gaining. I know all the tricks and tips and do's and don'ts. I know all about taking things "one day at a time" and I know all about "making just one positive change today." I know all the little pieces of advice. I know what to do and I know what not to do. Yet here I am. For some unknown reason, I can't seem to force myself to commit to any of it. Here I sit at 230 pounds. I'm about 110 po... Tue, 17 Feb 2015 19:49:41 EST Frustrated and Annoyed...mostly with myself. After we got out of school early today, Daughter and I just rested. We spent the day looking at old music on YouTube. I was sharing some 1990s dance hits with her (she's started DJing and is into all kinds of music). That got us watching/listening to No Diggity by Blackstreet...which reminded me of Pitch Perfect. Then we started watching Pitch Perfect videos on YouTube. Then Husband came home and Daughter said, "You know, really need to just get this movie. I think we should either do that or... Mon, 2 Feb 2015 20:50:06 EST So excited! School let out early today because of weather. Yay! I love getting paid and not having to work. That's a dream come true. <BR> <BR> I just reserved the pool at my fitness center for Daughter's birthday later this month. She's having a completely PRIVATE, after hours pool party. I am so excited. Then I remembered she will be 14 and I almost fell out of my chair. She'll be in high school this fall. When, exactly, did that happen? <BR> <BR> Now to find bathing suits...for Daughter, and mysel... Mon, 2 Feb 2015 15:14:50 EST Dreams: What's YOUR dream? I've had a dream for many years. My dream is to be free. Free from the burdens I've carried for so long. I dream for financial freedom. I dream to be a healthy person, inside and out. I've had this "vision" in my head for so long of what I want my life to be like -- also the kind of person I wish to be. I dream to be more self-sufficient. Like most things, I start looking for inspiration, and find people that are totally off-grid, almost completely self-sufficient, and I just start to doubt m... Thu, 29 Jan 2015 20:41:56 EST Still here :) I'm still here. Just haven't posted in a while. Spent last weekend (the long MLKJ weekend) in Georgia visiting my parents. Have been very busy. Last week was long and hard, even though it was short. I had another therapy session last week, and it went well (they all do). Still doing plant-based meals with a little vegetarian here and there (very little). Although I did eat meat when I went away for the long weekend. It was really nice, actually. I told myself that this time would be different... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 22:48:38 EST Day 11 -- PBM -- Strange Day I lost one pound this past week, bringing me to a total of 6.4 pounds lost. Woot. <BR> <BR> <em>224</em> <BR> <BR> I went back to work today. The girl who rides the bus with me was late getting there (although she texted me and told me she would be late). Somehow our route moved quickly and we weren't running late at all. Anyway, about this girl. She's really overweight. She was telling me about these diet pills she just started taking. I was asking her about them, not because I want to... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 22:43:37 EST Day 10 -- PBM -- another sick day I had to take another sick day today. Last night my back and neck were hurting sooo badly. Husband rubbed my back and neck with some Muscle Rub. It was hard to get comfortable. Every way I moved hurt. I think part of it was from having to lay around so much Sunday and Monday when my stomach was hurting. I called the chiropractor's office and left a message saying I could come in any time today. She called me first thing this morning. I was so glad I was home today and happened to catch her as... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 21:06:47 EST Day 9 -- PBM -- Sore back and neck! Grr! I went back to work today. My stomach was still feeling a little funny this morning, but I didn't have any more issues with it, so I was glad about that. I'm so ready for summer break! I know we just had Christmas vacation, but sheesh. This has been a rough year and I'm just ready for it to be over. I'm ready to go back to the beach and just RELAX. And we'll have a CONVERTIBLE to take to the beach this year! I just thought of that earlier when I was talking about it with my family. (Daughter ... Tue, 13 Jan 2015 20:54:32 EST Day 8 -- PBM -- Sick Day Today my stomach was better than yesterday, but still a bit messed up, so I took a Sick Day. I spent the day just relaxing and sipping on Pepto -- blech! I found some good programs on Netflix to watch. I watched a PBS show about North Korea, and then I watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2." I really enjoyed it. I saw "Hungry For Change" was on Netflix (again? still?) so I watched it. I saw it a couple of years ago, but it was almost as though I was watching it for the first time. It is just ... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 21:49:27 EST Day 7 -- Plant-based Meals I had a pretty wicked upset stomach today, so I didn't do much of anything. I just watched a lot of TV and goofed off online. I don't know why, but earlier today, just a little while ago in fact, I got a sudden SURGE of motivation. I've been doing well, and have made progress, but I just got SUPER driven. I spent some time looking at pictures of fit, healthy women, and I just got incredibly motivated. I only hope I can hang onto it. <BR> <BR> Haven't eaten much today. Haven't had much of an ... Sun, 11 Jan 2015 20:02:25 EST Day 6 -- Plant-based Meals *PROGRESS* I went to the gym today. I had planned to workout for my usual 45 minutes, but I had some extra energy and decided to capitalize on it. I worked out an extra 15 minutes, for a total of one hour. I came home, relaxed, ate lunch, took a shower, got dressed, fixed my hair, put on full makeup, and started working on dinner. Husband had football on all day. Daughter and I watched a movie together in my bedroom (Bruce Almighty). She really likes Jim Carrey, and that's one of his good ones. I actual... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 22:54:04 EST Day 5 -- Plant-based Meals (one day late) My computer was messing up last night, so I couldn't enter my run-down for Day 5. Also, I forgot my lunch bag at home yesterday...grr. Fortunately, we had to get gas for our school bus, so while we were doing that, I picked up some food for lunch. <BR> <BR> ----- <BR> <BR> Day 5 <BR> <BR> ----- <BR> <BR> Breakfast: Breakfast Pizza (chickpea flour crust, salsa, potato, green onion), almond milk. <BR> <BR> Lunch: Apple, fruit & nut trail mix (raisins, peanuts, sunflower seed kernels, alm... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 13:51:56 EST Day 4 -- Plant-based Meals We had a two-hour delay here, so I only had about 5 hours with my students today. Not to sound mean, but it was really nice. I love my job, but those kids can drive me crazy. By the end of the week I'm particularly frazzled. One more more more day... <BR> <BR> Diet wise, things went fine. After work I came home and got dinner in the oven. We relaxed and watched TV. After dinner, I cleaned the kitchen, swept and mopped all the hard floors, started a load of laundry, and st... Thu, 8 Jan 2015 20:54:41 EST Day 3 -- Plant-based Meals I brought the recipe for that pinto bean salad in to my co-worker today, along with a little sample of it to try. She loved it. We were talking about it and I was eating it again for lunch today and other people were intrigued. I ended up giving the recipe to two other people. It was kind of neat! <BR> <BR> I was already kind of thinking about it, and then Husband and my mom both suggested that I see my therapist on regular basis, but much more spaced out -- perhaps once a month. I think th... Wed, 7 Jan 2015 20:35:02 EST Day 2 -- Plant-based Meals I was really tired all day today. It was a good day, though. I had to run a couple of errands after work. I received my specialty license plate a couple days ago, so I returned my temporary license plate to the tag office today. Then I went by the Clinique counter and picked up two orders I'd placed before Christmas. Both came with their awesome "free gift," and I'm keeping one for myself and giving the other to Daughter to go along with her birthday surprises. I went to the grocery store and... Tue, 6 Jan 2015 21:22:55 EST Day 1 -- Plant-based Meals So yesterday was the day I wanted to do all the prep work for my plant-based meals. The whole process was supposed to take 2.5-3 hours. After two hours, I'd finally finished all my chopping and slicing and cooking of pastas, rice, lentils, etc. I hadn't even begun to put any meals together yet. I was getting pretty discouraged, but I trudged on. About another hour in, I was just over it. I still had SO much work to do. I was trying to make this soup. At first, my food processor overflowed som... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 20:57:57 EST Bought healthy foods for meal plan. This morning I watched an obesity documentary with Husband that I'd seen a few days ago. I wanted to watch it again anyway, but wanted him to see it as well. Afterwards, Husband and I went to the library to print off my new plant-based meal plans and shopping list (my stupid printer is out of ink and it will cost a ridiculous amount of money to replace the cartridges. Ugh.) Then we went to the grocery store and started getting everything on our shopping list (which comes with our meal plans).... Sat, 3 Jan 2015 00:02:11 EST Plant-based Meal Plans Well, I finally did it. I finally signed up for the plant-based meal plans. She was actually having a killer sale yesterday -- 75% off her regular price for the annual membership of weekly meal plans. It only cost me $3.44 per WEEK, instead of $20. I'm always excited to save money. I will have to multiply everything by 3 though, to accommodate my family into the plan, but I think I can do that. I got really scared and overwhelmed when I started looking at everything. I will have to learn an e... Fri, 2 Jan 2015 13:16:45 EST An all time high-low. + Before Pic How ironic. I'm at an all-time high, and therefore at an all-time low. <BR> <BR> I've seen recent pictures of myself, ones which were taken during the holidays. I knew I had gained, and new I wasn't looking that great...but to see these pictures REALLY hit me hard. So I weighed myself a few days ago. I was 225. That's the most I've ever weighed in my life, even more than when I was pregnant. So I was sort of shocked that my weight was as high as it actually is. <BR> <BR> So... <BR> <BR> ... Tue, 30 Dec 2014 15:26:08 EST Tomorrow: I'm ready to do this. I talked to my dad earlier. He was tired, but said he was feeling better. They're going to the cardiologist first thing Monday morning to get the results of the heart monitor. Nobody felt he needed to stay at the hospital today so he came on home. He's continuing to rest. My mom is a retired nurse so I'm glad he has someone who "has a clue" watching over him. I think I cried about ten times today. I was just so worried about him. I still am, but I feel a bit better knowing he feels better. <... Sat, 27 Dec 2014 20:45:54 EST Ready to start over. I joined the gym again this morning. Being a former member, I didn't have to pay the hefty registration fee. I went and bought myself a nice new pair of workout shoes. I'm going to get my iPod all charged up. My water bottle has been washed and is in the drying rack. I have healthy foods to eat while I wait to start the meal plans. I'm ready for this. <BR> <BR> My dad was in the hospital yesterday with high blood pressure and has been wearing a heart monitor. They are going back today to ha... Sat, 27 Dec 2014 12:50:04 EST Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to the gym I go. I talked to Husband tonight, and asked him if I could do something I've been thinking about for a couple weeks now. I asked him if I could join the gym again. He said yes, and was incredibly supportive. He just said he wants me to actually use it (there towards the end of my last membership, I didn't use it at all. I understand why he doesn't want me "wasting money" on it, and I don't want to do that either.) <BR> <BR> So, tomorrow, I'm rejoining the gym! Since I work for a place that has a ... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 20:33:54 EST Christmas...and early resolutions. I had a very nice Christmas today with my family. I was thinking earlier about how FAT I've been feeling lately. Every single picture I see of myself, I'm obviously very overweight. I'm at the point where I can't even fake it in pictures, or in mirrors. You know how there are certain poses or angles where you don't look [quite] so heavy? Yeah. None of those work on me anymore. I've been wanting to sign up for the Happy Herbivore plant-based meal plans to begin on the New Year. Today as I was ... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 00:07:21 EST Contemplation. I've been thinking about former friends the past couple of days, ever since Husband told me that a former "friend" is recently separated and going through a divorce. It's one of those things I haven't thought about at all in months, but when someone mentions it, I tend to think about it for a few days. Last night, I went to my sister-in-law's house for a Christmas dessert party. My other sister-in-law was there, as well as their husbands, then my five nieces, Husband, Daughter, and me. We hav... Tue, 23 Dec 2014 09:11:49 EST Vindication. A few years ago, I had two girlfriends, and we were all very close. I will try to keep this as short as possible, but we had a falling out and haven't seen or spoken to each other in years. To begin with, they were/are heavy drinkers. I've certainly had my moments with that. I've also been activly trying to get healthy and well for several years (clearly not always successful with this), so there would be periods I'd go without drinking or be on a strict diet and turn down invitations to thin... Sun, 21 Dec 2014 13:52:41 EST