HEALTHYNCGAL's SparkPeople Blog HEALTHYNCGAL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Still here :) I'm still here. Just haven't posted in a while. Spent last weekend (the long MLKJ weekend) in Georgia visiting my parents. Have been very busy. Last week was long and hard, even though it was short. I had another therapy session last week, and it went well (they all do). Still doing plant-based meals with a little vegetarian here and there (very little). Although I did eat meat when I went away for the long weekend. It was really nice, actually. I told myself that this time would be different... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 22:48:38 EST Day 11 -- PBM -- Strange Day I lost one pound this past week, bringing me to a total of 6.4 pounds lost. Woot. <BR> <BR> <em>224</em> <BR> <BR> I went back to work today. The girl who rides the bus with me was late getting there (although she texted me and told me she would be late). Somehow our route moved quickly and we weren't running late at all. Anyway, about this girl. She's really overweight. She was telling me about these diet pills she just started taking. I was asking her about them, not because I want to... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 22:43:37 EST Day 10 -- PBM -- another sick day I had to take another sick day today. Last night my back and neck were hurting sooo badly. Husband rubbed my back and neck with some Muscle Rub. It was hard to get comfortable. Every way I moved hurt. I think part of it was from having to lay around so much Sunday and Monday when my stomach was hurting. I called the chiropractor's office and left a message saying I could come in any time today. She called me first thing this morning. I was so glad I was home today and happened to catch her as... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 21:06:47 EST Day 9 -- PBM -- Sore back and neck! Grr! I went back to work today. My stomach was still feeling a little funny this morning, but I didn't have any more issues with it, so I was glad about that. I'm so ready for summer break! I know we just had Christmas vacation, but sheesh. This has been a rough year and I'm just ready for it to be over. I'm ready to go back to the beach and just RELAX. And we'll have a CONVERTIBLE to take to the beach this year! I just thought of that earlier when I was talking about it with my family. (Daughter ... Tue, 13 Jan 2015 20:54:32 EST Day 8 -- PBM -- Sick Day Today my stomach was better than yesterday, but still a bit messed up, so I took a Sick Day. I spent the day just relaxing and sipping on Pepto -- blech! I found some good programs on Netflix to watch. I watched a PBS show about North Korea, and then I watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2." I really enjoyed it. I saw "Hungry For Change" was on Netflix (again? still?) so I watched it. I saw it a couple of years ago, but it was almost as though I was watching it for the first time. It is just ... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 21:49:27 EST Day 7 -- Plant-based Meals I had a pretty wicked upset stomach today, so I didn't do much of anything. I just watched a lot of TV and goofed off online. I don't know why, but earlier today, just a little while ago in fact, I got a sudden SURGE of motivation. I've been doing well, and have made progress, but I just got SUPER driven. I spent some time looking at pictures of fit, healthy women, and I just got incredibly motivated. I only hope I can hang onto it. <BR> <BR> Haven't eaten much today. Haven't had much of an ... Sun, 11 Jan 2015 20:02:25 EST Day 6 -- Plant-based Meals *PROGRESS* I went to the gym today. I had planned to workout for my usual 45 minutes, but I had some extra energy and decided to capitalize on it. I worked out an extra 15 minutes, for a total of one hour. I came home, relaxed, ate lunch, took a shower, got dressed, fixed my hair, put on full makeup, and started working on dinner. Husband had football on all day. Daughter and I watched a movie together in my bedroom (Bruce Almighty). She really likes Jim Carrey, and that's one of his good ones. I actual... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 22:54:04 EST Day 5 -- Plant-based Meals (one day late) My computer was messing up last night, so I couldn't enter my run-down for Day 5. Also, I forgot my lunch bag at home yesterday...grr. Fortunately, we had to get gas for our school bus, so while we were doing that, I picked up some food for lunch. <BR> <BR> ----- <BR> <BR> Day 5 <BR> <BR> ----- <BR> <BR> Breakfast: Breakfast Pizza (chickpea flour crust, salsa, potato, green onion), almond milk. <BR> <BR> Lunch: Apple, fruit & nut trail mix (raisins, peanuts, sunflower seed kernels, alm... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 13:51:56 EST Day 4 -- Plant-based Meals We had a two-hour delay here, so I only had about 5 hours with my students today. Not to sound mean, but it was really nice. I love my job, but those kids can drive me crazy. By the end of the week I'm particularly frazzled. One more more more day... <BR> <BR> Diet wise, things went fine. After work I came home and got dinner in the oven. We relaxed and watched TV. After dinner, I cleaned the kitchen, swept and mopped all the hard floors, started a load of laundry, and st... Thu, 8 Jan 2015 20:54:41 EST Day 3 -- Plant-based Meals I brought the recipe for that pinto bean salad in to my co-worker today, along with a little sample of it to try. She loved it. We were talking about it and I was eating it again for lunch today and other people were intrigued. I ended up giving the recipe to two other people. It was kind of neat! <BR> <BR> I was already kind of thinking about it, and then Husband and my mom both suggested that I see my therapist on regular basis, but much more spaced out -- perhaps once a month. I think th... Wed, 7 Jan 2015 20:35:02 EST Day 2 -- Plant-based Meals I was really tired all day today. It was a good day, though. I had to run a couple of errands after work. I received my specialty license plate a couple days ago, so I returned my temporary license plate to the tag office today. Then I went by the Clinique counter and picked up two orders I'd placed before Christmas. Both came with their awesome "free gift," and I'm keeping one for myself and giving the other to Daughter to go along with her birthday surprises. I went to the grocery store and... Tue, 6 Jan 2015 21:22:55 EST Day 1 -- Plant-based Meals So yesterday was the day I wanted to do all the prep work for my plant-based meals. The whole process was supposed to take 2.5-3 hours. After two hours, I'd finally finished all my chopping and slicing and cooking of pastas, rice, lentils, etc. I hadn't even begun to put any meals together yet. I was getting pretty discouraged, but I trudged on. About another hour in, I was just over it. I still had SO much work to do. I was trying to make this soup. At first, my food processor overflowed som... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 20:57:57 EST Bought healthy foods for meal plan. This morning I watched an obesity documentary with Husband that I'd seen a few days ago. I wanted to watch it again anyway, but wanted him to see it as well. Afterwards, Husband and I went to the library to print off my new plant-based meal plans and shopping list (my stupid printer is out of ink and it will cost a ridiculous amount of money to replace the cartridges. Ugh.) Then we went to the grocery store and started getting everything on our shopping list (which comes with our meal plans).... Sat, 3 Jan 2015 00:02:11 EST Plant-based Meal Plans Well, I finally did it. I finally signed up for the plant-based meal plans. She was actually having a killer sale yesterday -- 75% off her regular price for the annual membership of weekly meal plans. It only cost me $3.44 per WEEK, instead of $20. I'm always excited to save money. I will have to multiply everything by 3 though, to accommodate my family into the plan, but I think I can do that. I got really scared and overwhelmed when I started looking at everything. I will have to learn an e... Fri, 2 Jan 2015 13:16:45 EST An all time high-low. + Before Pic How ironic. I'm at an all-time high, and therefore at an all-time low. <BR> <BR> I've seen recent pictures of myself, ones which were taken during the holidays. I knew I had gained, and new I wasn't looking that great...but to see these pictures REALLY hit me hard. So I weighed myself a few days ago. I was 225. That's the most I've ever weighed in my life, even more than when I was pregnant. So I was sort of shocked that my weight was as high as it actually is. <BR> <BR> So... <BR> <BR> ... Tue, 30 Dec 2014 15:26:08 EST Tomorrow: I'm ready to do this. I talked to my dad earlier. He was tired, but said he was feeling better. They're going to the cardiologist first thing Monday morning to get the results of the heart monitor. Nobody felt he needed to stay at the hospital today so he came on home. He's continuing to rest. My mom is a retired nurse so I'm glad he has someone who "has a clue" watching over him. I think I cried about ten times today. I was just so worried about him. I still am, but I feel a bit better knowing he feels better. <... Sat, 27 Dec 2014 20:45:54 EST Ready to start over. I joined the gym again this morning. Being a former member, I didn't have to pay the hefty registration fee. I went and bought myself a nice new pair of workout shoes. I'm going to get my iPod all charged up. My water bottle has been washed and is in the drying rack. I have healthy foods to eat while I wait to start the meal plans. I'm ready for this. <BR> <BR> My dad was in the hospital yesterday with high blood pressure and has been wearing a heart monitor. They are going back today to ha... Sat, 27 Dec 2014 12:50:04 EST Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to the gym I go. I talked to Husband tonight, and asked him if I could do something I've been thinking about for a couple weeks now. I asked him if I could join the gym again. He said yes, and was incredibly supportive. He just said he wants me to actually use it (there towards the end of my last membership, I didn't use it at all. I understand why he doesn't want me "wasting money" on it, and I don't want to do that either.) <BR> <BR> So, tomorrow, I'm rejoining the gym! Since I work for a place that has a ... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 20:33:54 EST Christmas...and early resolutions. I had a very nice Christmas today with my family. I was thinking earlier about how FAT I've been feeling lately. Every single picture I see of myself, I'm obviously very overweight. I'm at the point where I can't even fake it in pictures, or in mirrors. You know how there are certain poses or angles where you don't look [quite] so heavy? Yeah. None of those work on me anymore. I've been wanting to sign up for the Happy Herbivore plant-based meal plans to begin on the New Year. Today as I was ... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 00:07:21 EST Contemplation. I've been thinking about former friends the past couple of days, ever since Husband told me that a former "friend" is recently separated and going through a divorce. It's one of those things I haven't thought about at all in months, but when someone mentions it, I tend to think about it for a few days. Last night, I went to my sister-in-law's house for a Christmas dessert party. My other sister-in-law was there, as well as their husbands, then my five nieces, Husband, Daughter, and me. We hav... Tue, 23 Dec 2014 09:11:49 EST Vindication. A few years ago, I had two girlfriends, and we were all very close. I will try to keep this as short as possible, but we had a falling out and haven't seen or spoken to each other in years. To begin with, they were/are heavy drinkers. I've certainly had my moments with that. I've also been activly trying to get healthy and well for several years (clearly not always successful with this), so there would be periods I'd go without drinking or be on a strict diet and turn down invitations to thin... Sun, 21 Dec 2014 13:52:41 EST My eighth session. I can hardly believe I've been going to therapy for so many weeks. I had my eighth session today. We started by discussing the very last thing we talked about during my last session: letting something go that I'd ordinarily be meticulous about. I worked on that actually later that night once I got home. It was HARD. I started noticing all these other things that were "wrong." We talked about what all that represented and she helped me learn more about why I am the way I am about myself and ab... Wed, 17 Dec 2014 21:36:57 EST Sick (again) and tired (again) Husband doesn't take very good care of me when I'm sick. He just doesn't. This is something that's gone on for years and years; something we've had countless conversations over. A couple of weekends ago, I was really sick. It came out of nowhere. He'd been out of town at a very stressful job for a week and wasn't sleeping well in his hotel room. I was as sick as a DOG, but when Saturday morning rolled around, he slept until 11:30 while I was the one who got up, took the dogs out, fed them the... Sat, 13 Dec 2014 15:35:02 EST My seventh session. I had my seventh therapy session this afternoon. The past two sessions have been challenging. We've been going over my irrational beliefs. Last time, I worked on identifying which irrational beliefs I have, and today we went through them, one by one, and broke them down into questions. (What is the belief? Why is it irrational? Is there any evidence to support it being irrational? What's the worst that could occur in regards to the belief? What positivity could come from letting it go?) So we... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 22:14:04 EST Blah. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I already feel so completely alone, even though I'm not. I feel like I'm an inevitable, consistent disappointment for the people around me. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, I mess things up. There's always someone pointing out what I could have done better, or pointing out what I did wrong. Sometimes that person is me; sometimes not. Sometimes I feel so taken advantage of and unappreciated, especially in comparison to how I treat others. <B... Sat, 6 Dec 2014 21:47:39 EST Sad News. A co-worker and dear young lady passed away today. She'd been in the hospital for a couple of weeks. She left behind a husband and a baby boy, a year and a half old. Everyone found out this afternoon and was just completely heartbroken. Everyone was crying at work. It was really sad. After work, I did some Christmas shopping. I called my parents and cried, telling them how much I love them. I did the same once I got home to Husband and Daughter. Things like these really make you think. It's f... Fri, 5 Dec 2014 23:22:58 EST My sixth session. I'm really tired, so I'll keep this short. I'll write more later when I have more time and energy. <BR> <BR> I had my sixth therapy session today. This one was quite different than the ones before. It was very productive, and I would certainly consider it "good," but it was pretty stimulating. After I left my head felt fuzzy and I had a little breakdown-crying session a little while ago. We began the Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy today, and I learned about the different irrational belie... Wed, 3 Dec 2014 22:18:48 EST Financial Progress. For the past several years, a huge source of my stress has been from money problems. My husband and I have struggled with money ever since we got married 14 years ago. In fact, we began our marriage on financially unstable ground. Husband came to our marriage with a car loan (and he was always one month exactly behind on his payments) and he'd financed a stereo and a TV through a rent-to-own place. I came to our marriage with a DVD player (this was back when nobody had one -- I was the only p... Sun, 30 Nov 2014 21:43:07 EST Kept a promise and exercised :) I've been wanting to participate in a 5K for quite some time now...probably about two or so years. I have been wanting to start a "Couch to 5K" program for the longest time, but I just haven't been pro-active enough to make it happen. <BR> <BR> I've been learning in therapy about how changing your BEHAVIOR is what changes your THOUGHTS -- not the other way around. So, I've decided to begin behaving like a person who is a healthy, active person, with plenty of good balance in her life. <BR>... Sat, 29 Nov 2014 20:04:54 EST A Big Decision. Earlier, Daughter asked if we could go to the track tomorrow. She wants to start running again because track season is coming up. I've been feeling extra fat lately, and I thought the exercising would do me good. I've been thinking a lot about starting up again with my "diet" and exercise, but I just keep putting it off and putting it off. So I'd decided to go walking at some point tomorrow, and I was happy about that. <BR> <BR> Later, I noticed my legs needed to be shaved again. For about t... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 22:18:10 EST Thanksgiving Vacation The rest of my week has gone fairly well. Husband said he was sorry. I know he was also feeling incredibly sick and I know part of my attitude was stemming from the awful day I'd had. My journal is definitely a place where I unload my burdens. The frustrations I write about are not how I feel about certain people or situations 100% of the time. It's just that this is where I can vent. Most of the time, Husband and I get along really well. I'm also freely admitting that I have been having a lo... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 15:18:17 EST The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Today was one of the worst days I've ever had. It was absolutely dreadful. I don't even want to rehash it all, but let's just say it included an accusation from a student's grandparent on my bus route that I tried to run them over with the bus the last time I drove it (Wednesday). She was SO ugly to me about it, and I didn't admit to anything, which didn't make her happy. (I'm not apologizing for, or admitting to something, that I didn't do!) So all I told her was I'd make sure they were fart... Mon, 24 Nov 2014 21:30:38 EST Change: It's Not as Bad as I Thought. Kept Daughter home from school on Thursday because she was sick. When I woke up on Friday morning, I felt like absolute garbage, so we both stayed home again. I felt really bad yesterday, too. Yesterday evening, I was feeling a bit better but I was incredibly weak. Today I feel much better though. I don't know what happened, but whatever this was hit me hard and fast. <BR> <BR> I've been feeling a change happening inside me. Ever since I started my therapy sessions, I've definitely been cha... Sun, 23 Nov 2014 20:08:24 EST My fifth session. It's been a long day and I'm incredibly tired, so this will be short and surely somewhat vague. I will devote more time to this when I can. <BR> <BR> I had my fifth therapy session today. We began by reviewing what we talked about last time, and went over my homework from last week -- which was to create a plan where I would make my health more of a priority, and steps to do that, and I also had to work on changing one thing. I actually changed two: I drank more water and was more mindful ... Tue, 18 Nov 2014 22:25:12 EST Weird Weekend. It's been a strange weekend. <BR> <BR> Husband worked for half the day on Saturday. I spent the entire weekend going through my attic. I basically took everything out, went through everything, sorted it all, organized it, and put it back. I have some things in heavy duty storage containers, but most everything is in garbage bags or cardboard boxes. Everything is at least sorted and organized now, but I do want to buy more storage boxes for everything, get it all labeled, etc. We need to put ... Sun, 16 Nov 2014 21:28:03 EST Same struggle, different decade. So a few weeks ago, I decided to begin cleaning out my house (and life) of excess. I've slowly been going through various rooms in my house, and today I started cleaning out my attic. Long story short, I stumbled upon some of my old journals -- one of which was from 2004. This was an old Livejournal that I'd printed off -- a big, three-inch binder completely full of that journal. So after I got a lot of work done, I read through some of that journal. So many entries were devoted to me griping... Sat, 15 Nov 2014 21:31:35 EST My fourth session. I had my fourth session today after work. I can't believe I've been going to therapy for four weeks now! I also can't believe how it's helping me. <BR> <BR> Last week, we talked about guilt -- more specifically, how doing things for myself makes me feel guilty. She also started some identity-building activities, and last week I was told to bring in a short list of hobbies/activities that I'm interested in making part of who I am. I chose reading, drawing/artwork, journaling, and refinishin... Wed, 12 Nov 2014 20:05:39 EST Learning to put myself first a little more. Friday I was feeling very stressed from the whole situation with Husband, but I did everything I could to just let it go and accept it. I went shopping and bought myself two new pairs of shoes, a new pair of jeans, and some new art supplies. I came home and had a good, hard cry. I took a long, hot shower and tried to relax. I thought of all the ways Husband is good to me and to Daughter and thought of all the ways he shows us that he loves us; which he does every single day. I stayed kind of ... Mon, 10 Nov 2014 23:07:37 EST Discouraged and hurt. Again. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but Husband has this incredibly annoying and hurtful habit of, oh...never doing what he says he's going to do. He'll tell me he will take the trash on Wednesday, and it won't happen. I'll ask him to go by somewhere and pick up something on Thursday after work, and he'll "forget." It's been going on for 17 years. I've told him approximately 10,000 times how I don't like this, don't appreciate it, don't understand; I tell him I wish he'd do SOMETHING to help h... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 22:25:04 EST Third session. I had my third session yesterday. We went over the things I'd written down; activities I'd like to either reincorporate into my life, or the ones I'd like to begin/learn more about eventually. We talked about how I often desire to be doing things (I want to be more active, have hobbies, etc) but then there is a disconnect and I can't seem to make myself do it. She had a simple explanation, that made SO MUCH SENSE. <BR> <BR> That's Depression. <BR> <BR> Depression takes away your motivation... Thu, 6 Nov 2014 22:38:05 EST My second session. This afternoon I had my second therapy session. <BR> <BR> We started off by talking about how things have been over the past week. I've felt better, although yesterday was particularly difficult for some reason. I had to take care of some things in the morning that I'd asked Husband to do, because I desperately need his help, and I was irritated that I was having to do these things, annoyed that he told me he needed MY help, and that this was an adjustment for him, etc. Also, Monday afterno... Wed, 29 Oct 2014 20:56:18 EST Weekend. Had a nice weekend. It felt good to have my parents up for a short visit. They brought us their "old" dryer, although it's essentially brand-new. And it's certainly brand-new to me. My washer is also not doing well, but I've learned how to get it to cooperate pretty well. Eventually I'd like to buy a matching set, but for now I'm grateful for what I have. <BR> <BR> Husband was gone all weekend, DJing at a music festival. He came home today. Saw some crazy pictures on Facebook. Glad I wasn't... Sun, 26 Oct 2014 20:45:03 EST Company. My dad was planning to come to town today. My mom came with him, but I didn't know she was coming until they were already on their way. When Dad comes, he stays with us. They were going to stay at a hotel though, because we have animals and my mom is allergic. Anyway, it was a nice surprise. They came over and we had lunch together. Then they went to check in at their hotel and rest for a bit. Daughter played with my hair and rubbed my head for me. It helped me feel better. Then my parents ca... Sat, 25 Oct 2014 22:16:30 EST Better? Work today was pretty good. I emailed my supervisor today to tell her I will be scheduling meetings with the mental health coordinator, but didn't go into any details. I told her of my next meeting, which takes place next week, so she can be aware that I will need to leave my classroom an hour early. Hopefully my supervisor and the person in charge of the substitutes will cooperate with me. I don't really have any reason to think they won't, but you never know. <BR> <BR> After work, I remem... Thu, 23 Oct 2014 21:36:58 EST My first session. Had my first therapy session today. It went well. We talked about my history a bit and what brought me in to see her. Just knowing I'm getting some help has made me feel better. She's got me doing a homework assignment where I write down all the jobs I do in a week. I'm going back in another week. She also said she wants to teach me some strategies for when I feel like I'm losing control of myself and my emotions. She also wants to do some identity-building activities with me, so I can redisc... Wed, 22 Oct 2014 20:20:46 EST Therapy. For many years (about 20), I've wanted therapy. I wish my parents had gotten me into therapy, or at least counseling through school. I've always wondered if I could've gotten the help I needed THEN, would things be different now. I moved out a few weeks after I graduated high school, and I've never had any kind of health insurance since being on my own (except when I had pregnancy Medicaid once). The other day I was feeling particularly low, as I often do these days, and wished, again, that I... Tue, 21 Oct 2014 19:48:25 EST Kept a promise. Yesterday I set a goal for this week. I wanted to walk at least three times this week, and for at least ten minutes each time. Today after work, I went to the health food store and picked up my herbs, and went on a 12 minute walk after I did that. I know it's not much, but I'm proud of it anyway. I'm so glad to be back on my herbs again, too. I know they will help me feel better. <BR> <BR> Work was pretty good. Not a bad day for a Monday. After my walk, I came home, took a relaxing shower a... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 20:05:55 EST Discovery. I've come to the realization that I need to change a rather large number of my personal attributes and habits. These are all things which have been part of my life for so long, that I truly do not know life without them. I'm scared to make these changes. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared to completely change who I am, even though I know the things going on in my life are not healthy. I don't know who I am without these things. <BR> <BR> Here's what I know I must do, and even though I kn... Sun, 19 Oct 2014 21:19:06 EST Improving? I've begun to feel a bit better. <BR> <BR> I woke up at 3am Friday morning with a migraine and had to call in to work. I've been so sick this year, so has Daughter, and I hope I don't get in trouble at work for missing so many days. <BR> <BR> I was incredibly tired and depressed all day yesterday. I felt bad because Daughter was super happy and very chatty and the weather was gorgeous. I enjoyed it as much as I least I was aware of it. Yesterday afternoon I took Daughter to a sl... Sat, 18 Oct 2014 22:57:56 EST Broken. I've decided to forgo the wedding this weekend. I've just felt awful, and in more ways than one. My mom was/is pretty ticked at me but I honestly don't even care. I've got to rest. <BR> <BR> Picked up my dog's ashes today. I started crying as I was leaving the office, cried the whole way home, and cried for an hour or so once I got home. My broken heart shattered all over again Tue, 14 Oct 2014 21:34:34 EST