HEALTHYNCGAL's SparkPeople Blog HEALTHYNCGAL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Fresh start in the new year. I'm preparing to begin the upcoming new year with a few changes; mainly eliminations; a few additions. I want to begin by asking for help, from anyone and anything who might be able to do so. I've reached out to The Universe, my family, and in time I will ask friends and others for help. I want to let go of fear. It's held me captive for far too long. I want to let go of comparisons. Bad habits. Negative thoughts. Everything that's prevented me from becoming healthy and well. <BR> <BR> I en... Mon, 28 Dec 2015 22:10:33 EST Improvement. I've really been enjoying my new job. I've been there almost three full weeks. Things are going so well. It's still sinking in that this is my new life. The stress is finally starting to dissipate. I haven't been exercising, but I have been cooking again, and making more of an effort to eat better. I haven't been eating convenience foods, takeout, etc. I really want to start exercising again, and I want to save alcohol for weekends and special occasions. I have to remind myself that I don't f... Wed, 18 Nov 2015 19:40:33 EST WONDERFUL first day! I had a wonderful first day at my new elementary school today. Everything about it was all I've hoped for and more. At one point today, I took a bathroom break, and I just stood there for a second, looking at myself in the mirror. I just couldn't help but smile because I'd DONE IT. I had a job in an elementary school! Finally! I am really proud of myself, for accomplishing a goal I've had for over 10 years now. Mon, 2 Nov 2015 20:12:58 EST New month, new job, new opportunities for change. Tomorrow I start my new job. I'm surprisingly not really nervous about it. I'm looking forward to this change for a number of reasons. I think by leaving my other job I've eliminated an enormous source of stress from my life, and by accepting this new position, I've accomplished a goal I've had for many, many years now. So these are both very good things. I'm also glad it's the beginning of a new month. One of my Facebook friends is a new BeachBody Coach (we went to high school together). Any... Sun, 1 Nov 2015 20:43:40 EST A new chapter in life. Yesterday I went out and spent the morning buying myself LOTS of new clothes for my new job. I bought all kinds of things to wear; even a new pair of shoes. Yesterday and today I did all my laundry, and this evening I reorganized my closet, made sure my drawers were nice and straight, etc. I have really been feeling like I'm beginning a new chapter in my life. I want to make this change a very good one, and I want to begin living my life the way I've always wanted to live it. This is the job ... Sun, 25 Oct 2015 21:55:14 EST Lots of BIG changes... It's been a while since I last wrote. I've had a lot going on in my life. Mainly a lot of stress. Mainly from my job. Two weeks ago today, I was given some frustrating news that I was going to be in charge of yet another classroom, I was yelled at for having a bad attitude (even though I wasn't), and I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed a change. <BR> <BR> As luck would have it, the public schools in my community were hiring teacher assistants. This is what I went to school for -- to wor... Mon, 19 Oct 2015 20:33:29 EST Starting over...again... Starting over again. Again. <BR> <BR> I have 100 pounds to lose. I don't think I can do it. My head isn't in a very good place right now and I am not feeling at all confident. I will try. I will go through the motions. But I just really doubt whether or not I can do this. <BR> <BR> But I'll try. Mon, 7 Sep 2015 21:51:37 EST What an AWFUL week! Last week was absolutely awful. Seriously, it was the worst week I've had in a very, very long time. I felt really crappy on Monday, and I had to deal with nasty people and bratty kids all day at work. Then my stomach started acting up Monday afternoon. I had to call in sick on Tuesday AND Wednesday, because my stomach was just so upset. The whole time I was out, I was worried about getting in trouble or something. In addition to my stomach bug, I was full of anxiety about that, and about who... Sat, 1 Aug 2015 11:39:23 EST A yucky, sucky Monday. I'm working the summer day program at my school. I'm a floater for the summer, and I give breaks to all the teachers. Some of them are such buttheads about their dang breaks! It makes me so mad. <BR> <BR> Also, when I woke up this morning, I felt really weird. My head was kind of spinning, I was queasy...I just didn't feel right. For a second I thought maybe I was a bit hungover, because I'd had a few drinks last night...but there was something about it that just didn't feel the same. I don... Mon, 27 Jul 2015 19:05:22 EST Weight loss! Last week when I got on the scale, I hadn't lost anything. I was so bummed, but didn't let it derail me. I kept pushing and ate well and worked out for the following week. I just got on the scale a few minutes ago, and I'm down 6.8 pounds! YAY! I'm so excited! <BR> <BR> <em>334</em> Mon, 27 Jul 2015 08:02:06 EST Organizing and getting rid of excess. I've spent all weekend reorganizing my kitchen. I have been feeling frustrated with my space lately, and I've wanted to make it cleaner and more organized and efficient. So I started with my kitchen. I knew I had to make room for that new Ninja System my mom bought me (a TON of stuff came with it, and I didn't have any room for it). So I worked hard all weekend and got lots of stuff done. I split my kitchen table into a couple areas: some stuff I'm going to put aside for Daughter when she mov... Sun, 26 Jul 2015 22:40:09 EST Friday night and a drastic shift in emotions. I was so stressed when I left work this afternoon that I swear I could've hit someone. I've dealt with a thousand smart-mouthed little brats all week long and this afternoon was just DRAGGING so slowly. I was just so incredibly stressed. I'm always exhausted and burned out on Fridays, but today was just too much. I honestly don't think I could do one more day. So, thank goodness I don't have to! <BR> <BR> Anyway, I came straight home after work. I had a little snack and changed into my work... Fri, 24 Jul 2015 21:54:13 EST FATNESS......and being soooo incredibly aware of it. Within just the past few days, I've become so keenly, intensely, glaringly aware of how fat I really am. <BR> <BR> I've known for a while now that none of my clothes fit. I've also known what the number on the scale says. But it's almost like I still didn't notice the actual fat...if that even makes sense. I guess there's a word for that, right? Denial. <BR> <BR> I've noticed that I can barely cross my legs, and that in order to keep them crossed, I either have to push my legs together ha... Wed, 22 Jul 2015 21:48:25 EST Mixed emotions and wake-up calls. So last week I started paying more attention to what I ate. I was eating much more fruits and veggies. Husband and I went out on double date with his sister and her husband on Thursday, and I had two slices of pizza, but the only toppings I asked for were veggies...and feta. Even for our anniversary, we went on a long, difficult hike, and we ate really healthy. We grilled veggies and fish for dinner. I had planned to start going back to the gym on Monday. I felt like I was off to a really goo... Tue, 21 Jul 2015 21:15:33 EST The freedom of letting go. Several days ago, I realized that there were multiple things holding me back. I suppose the true realization was that everything holding me back was no longer a present issue in my life. For instance, past traumas, regrets, things I hadn't yet forgiven myself for, etc...all of these things were holding me back, and as a result of the stress these issues were causing, I was falling into the same bad habits year after year. <BR> <BR> I made a command decision to release all of those issues. N... Sun, 19 Jul 2015 13:41:57 EST Did what I could do TODAY. First of all, my SparkPeople commenters continue to amaze me with their unwavering support and positive encouragement. I would like to personally thank each one of you who have commented over the past couple of days. You guys make me feel like I really can do this, and I simply can't thank y'all enough for your kind words. <BR> <BR> Secondly, I had plans to wake up this morning and do one of my Jillian Michaels weight-training workouts. Last night, I had a pretty hard cry, so I woke up in th... Tue, 23 Jun 2015 20:17:32 EST Focus on the journey, not the destination. This morning, I actually got up and went to the gym. I can still hardly believe it. I ate pretty well today, too -- but could've done better. (I've been feeling guilty about eating two oatmeal raisin cookies at school today). But other than that one thing, I did a good job. <BR> <BR> I had an absolute breakdown tonight...just a little while ago in fact. I was texting with my mom, and we were talking about various things. I told her I went back to the gym this morning. Here's how our convers... Mon, 22 Jun 2015 21:38:05 EST The only one who can beat me is me. I've started a written weight loss journal. Today is "day one." I've set a couple of short-term weight loss goals, and a couple of personal goals. I've written down all of my measurements, weight, etc. I like having papers that I can just flip through when I want to look at my progress. I feel scared. I feel like I'm going to fail again. At the same time, I feel motivated. But I mostly feel scared. I know I've failed over and over again, but I just can't give up on myself. What am I going to ... Sun, 21 Jun 2015 19:18:37 EST Little changes, nice changes. I need some place to vent, so I use my journal. In my real life, I'm a very upbeat and happy person. In order to do that, I need to have some outlet to pour my frustrations into, so I don't end up taking it out on my loved ones, so I don't have poor performance at work, etc. That being said, I know I do vent a lot in here. That's the main reason I have this journal -- to put frustrations into. I also know I vent a lot about Husband. I guess sometimes I don't realize how badly things are reall... Thu, 18 Jun 2015 20:51:19 EST Cellophane. I feel so invisible. Husband just doesn't really notice me. I feel like we get along "fine" -- but I feel like we're more like roommates who sleep in the same bed. The past little while, I've even been feeling awkward about sleeping in the same bed, honestly. He just always (and I mean ALWAYS) has some kind of distraction. He'll get involved in a lengthy book series and do nothing but read it. Constantly. He'll binge watch a TV show on Netflix. He'll get absorbed in some video game, and do no... Mon, 15 Jun 2015 20:51:08 EST No sex. I basically have a sexless marriage. <BR> <BR> I don't remember the last time Husband and I had sex. It's been quite a few months now. I don't remember the last time, because I didn't write it down on the calendar or anything. I know it had also been quite a few months before that last time as well. So twice in the past 8-10 months? I honestly don't know the time period. I don't think it matters. I just know the gaps between times gets increasingly longer each go around. <BR> <BR> We've b... Sat, 6 Jun 2015 18:06:14 EST Ladies Night Out...and I still did well! I've recently mentioned the co-workers/new friends I've been spending time with. Well, tonight we had another Ladies Night out. We went out to dinner, where we had a lot of laughs...and a cocktail. Then we did a little shopping, and we ended the evening with a movie. We went to see Spy, and it was HILARIOUS! We had the best time, and my cheeks are still sore from laughing all night! One of the ladies even paid for all our movie tickets, so that was a sweet surprise. I still can't quite get ov... Fri, 5 Jun 2015 23:21:43 EST Premonition? Last night, I had a dream that I was thin again. Just like I used to be. <BR> <BR> I was in my bathroom, looking in my mirror, and all of a sudden in dawned on me that I was thin. My double chin was gone. My fat cheeks had changed into pretty cheekbones. I was stunned to see myself. <BR> <BR> I hope that dream becomes a reality. Thu, 4 Jun 2015 19:34:32 EST Things are still going well :) Day Three included more success. I ate well and maintained a positive attitude...which is fairly easy to do when your dad sends you a random text first thing in the morning: "I just wanted to send you a smile :)" It made my whole day. I'm taking Daughter down to visit them next month, and I can't wait! I love my parents so much, and I'm so excited to be able to spend time with them. They've just moved into a new condo only a couple of weeks ago, and we are so excited to go visit them. Their n... Wed, 3 Jun 2015 19:59:59 EST A non-scale victory on Day Two! Tonight was Daughter's very last musical performance with her middle school. I still can't believe the next performance we attend will be at the HIGH SCHOOL. Craziness. Anyway, Husband and I went, and two of his sisters came, all their girls, Husband's mom, and then two of his other sister's kids. So 11 of us came to watch Daughter. It was a great concert, as usual. We had made plans to take the kids to Dairy Queen for ice cream afterwards (of COURSE we would decide to get ice cream on Day Tw... Tue, 2 Jun 2015 22:55:03 EST New friends, new goals, a new life. I actually had a pretty good amount of motivation today. I stayed on my diet all day and even went to the gym for a little bit. I rode the bike for 15 minutes. I was happy about that. I had been talking to a co-worker, and she suggested setting a fitness goal that I "could actually do." So I knew I would be able to do 15 minutes of some kind of exercise, so I did. And in only 15 minutes, I rode 3.08 miles! So steps. I made it through my first day, and I'm proud of that. I'm glad I... Mon, 1 Jun 2015 21:41:05 EST It's a new dawn, it's a new day... I'm not even really sure where to start. I just know I want to try again. Tomorrow is a new month, a new week, and a new chance to make good choices. I had a[nother] big heart-to-heart with myself tonight as I was sitting in my bubble bath. I've done all the work. I've figured out WHY my weight is what it is. I understand what to do, what not to do, and the importance of it all. The only thing I can't seem to figure out is HOW to make myself stick to it over the long-term. But I guess right n... Sun, 31 May 2015 22:01:58 EST Life sucks...partially anyway. My FIL passed away a little over a week ago. He was one day shy of being a full month into his diagnosis when he died. I am still in a sort of shock over it. We had four (yes...FOUR) services last week. It was just sort of a relentless sadness; a continual ripping off of the scab. There is still so much "up in the air" with the family drama and stress. I'm doing the best I can with it, but it's hard. My therapist helped me learn about boundaries during my last session, as well as how to deal ... Tue, 5 May 2015 19:51:16 EST Stress Overload I'm unbelievably stressed, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even really know where to begin. <BR> <BR> To begin with, my FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer a couple of weeks ago. He's going downhill fast. I have certainly been at odds with the in-laws in recent years. We've been trying to work things out, and we've been getting there...but slowly. Things haven't always been moving in a positive direction. At any rate, this whole situation has really shaken the fam... Mon, 13 Apr 2015 21:00:14 EST OMG! I'VE LOST 10 POUNDS! As of this morning, I've lost 10.2 pounds!!! Only 82 more to go, LOL! <BR> <BR> <em>246</em> <em>224</em> <em>334</em> Sat, 4 Apr 2015 10:49:42 EST I actually lost weight. I lost another 1.2 pounds, bringing my total loss to 9.4 over the past three weeks. (I started back on March 15-16). That's ALMOST 10 pounds. I'm really surprised and impressed that I'm actually losing weight, even though I've been so incredibly stressed lately. My co-worker brought that up the other day. She said, "You know, things have been SO STRESSFUL, but we are STILL losing weight." I hadn't ever really thought about that. She's really got a good attitude about things. She says things l... Fri, 3 Apr 2015 09:43:06 EST So frustrated. I can't escape stress. I just can't. <BR> <BR> Last week, my FIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. We haven't really had much to do with Husband's family in recent years, because, they're...well...crazy. They're just crazy. But we certainly don't wish them any harm. I don't want anything but good things for them. We did go over and visit FIL (and the entire family) after learning of his diagnosis. <BR> <BR> I went on my Girls Night Out last Wednesday and it was great. I decide... Wed, 1 Apr 2015 19:12:48 EST I want to keep going...But HOW? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I happened upon this quote the other day on Pinterest, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I can't even recall how many times I've failed (aka given up). I was talking about it with my SIL last night, and both of us want to stick to it this time. I mean, I've wanted to stick to it every time, of course. My other SIL is really struggling. She's struggling with some family crap. When we suggested the ... Tue, 24 Mar 2015 20:50:07 EST South Beach Diet, Phase One -- Week One BOOM. Week One is DONE. <BR> <BR> I did really well this week. I kept my promise to myself and worked out all but one day last week (during the work week). I worked out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I stayed on Phase One, but I did have some baby carrots. (They were in a bag of raw mixed veggies that I bought and I didn't think about carrots not being "allowed" but I don't care. I ate them anyway. It's baby carrots, not a bowl of ice cream). I also allowed myself to have a couple ... Sun, 22 Mar 2015 12:12:31 EST Pre Day ONE! I'm starting over again tomorrow! I'm going to do it. I weighed myself, took all my measurements, bought healthy food, purchased some new weight-lifting DVDs (I'm not comfortable lifting weights at the gym). My SIL and I are starting Phase One of South Beach Diet tomorrow. I will do Phase One for two weeks, and I will also incorporate high-quality veggie juice. I told Husband, Daughter, and both SILs that I want them to call me out if I'm making a mistake or a bad choice. I told them I would ... Sun, 15 Mar 2015 21:36:15 EST Hopeful. I used to be in such phenomenal shape. I was a gymnast. A swimmer. A bike rider. I was moving from the time I woke up until the time my head hit the pillow. I felt like my body could do anything. I was so strong. I really felt badass. <BR> <BR> I miss that. I miss it so much. <BR> <BR> For so many years, I've been struggling. I've gone up and down and have probably lost and gained a thousand pounds...not even kidding. My body can't do as much as it once could, but there are still things I c... Thu, 12 Mar 2015 21:10:21 EST Never felt like this before. I am in tears. I weigh 236 pounds. I've gained even more weight, and I am currently not only the heaviest I've ever been, I am almost exactly TWO TIMES heavier than I was when I met my husband. I just did a little math on my calculator -- when I moved back from GA in September 2011, I was 162. In 3.5 years, I've gained 74 pounds. If I continue, I will weigh 310 pounds by the end of 2018. And there was a time when I wouldn't even consider such a thing. It would be preposterous. But now, it see... Mon, 9 Mar 2015 18:30:47 EST Saturday I didn't go to the gym today, but I DID do something I haven't done in a long, long time: <BR> <BR> I WAS SOCIAL. <BR> <BR> I took Daughter to the animal shelter where she volunteers. My niece was also planning to volunteer today, so my SIL and I sat out in her van for an hour and a half and visited. We talked about how she had gone out to dinner on Thursday with my other SIL (the one who's been having all these major issues with the family). We talked about the dinner and about the whole ... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 17:40:28 EST Thinking about trying again (again). I think I may actually go to the gym tomorrow. I've been feeling so terribly depressed about my gains, and about my humongous weight in general, but I felt positive and optimistic this afternoon and evening for some reason. I know in my heart that my body won't look better if I keep doing what I'm doing. I probably need to suck it up and count calories, too. I hope I still have the motivation to go tomorrow. I have a little over 100 pounds to lose. If I can lose 2 pounds per week, I could mee... Fri, 27 Feb 2015 21:28:59 EST Gained again. I'm 235 now. I've gained 5 pounds in less than a week. I start getting my period yesterday evening (and got it big time today) so that may have something to do with it. But STILL. I'm 5 pounds heavier than I was the last time I weighed in. <BR> <BR> I was texting with my SIL earlier. Just to back up a little, half of my in-laws are fine, and the other half are absolutely CRAZY. It's a really long story that I'll save for another time. However... She and I have been talking a lot lately abou... Sun, 22 Feb 2015 20:40:17 EST I think I just might give up. I don't even know what to say. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life. 230 pounds now. I just keep gaining. I know all the tricks and tips and do's and don'ts. I know all about taking things "one day at a time" and I know all about "making just one positive change today." I know all the little pieces of advice. I know what to do and I know what not to do. Yet here I am. For some unknown reason, I can't seem to force myself to commit to any of it. Here I sit at 230 pounds. I'm about 110 po... Tue, 17 Feb 2015 19:49:41 EST Frustrated and Annoyed...mostly with myself. After we got out of school early today, Daughter and I just rested. We spent the day looking at old music on YouTube. I was sharing some 1990s dance hits with her (she's started DJing and is into all kinds of music). That got us watching/listening to No Diggity by Blackstreet...which reminded me of Pitch Perfect. Then we started watching Pitch Perfect videos on YouTube. Then Husband came home and Daughter said, "You know, really need to just get this movie. I think we should either do that or... Mon, 2 Feb 2015 20:50:06 EST So excited! School let out early today because of weather. Yay! I love getting paid and not having to work. That's a dream come true. <BR> <BR> I just reserved the pool at my fitness center for Daughter's birthday later this month. She's having a completely PRIVATE, after hours pool party. I am so excited. Then I remembered she will be 14 and I almost fell out of my chair. She'll be in high school this fall. When, exactly, did that happen? <BR> <BR> Now to find bathing suits...for Daughter, and mysel... Mon, 2 Feb 2015 15:14:50 EST Dreams: What's YOUR dream? I've had a dream for many years. My dream is to be free. Free from the burdens I've carried for so long. I dream for financial freedom. I dream to be a healthy person, inside and out. I've had this "vision" in my head for so long of what I want my life to be like -- also the kind of person I wish to be. I dream to be more self-sufficient. Like most things, I start looking for inspiration, and find people that are totally off-grid, almost completely self-sufficient, and I just start to doubt m... Thu, 29 Jan 2015 20:41:56 EST Still here :) I'm still here. Just haven't posted in a while. Spent last weekend (the long MLKJ weekend) in Georgia visiting my parents. Have been very busy. Last week was long and hard, even though it was short. I had another therapy session last week, and it went well (they all do). Still doing plant-based meals with a little vegetarian here and there (very little). Although I did eat meat when I went away for the long weekend. It was really nice, actually. I told myself that this time would be different... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 22:48:38 EST Day 11 -- PBM -- Strange Day I lost one pound this past week, bringing me to a total of 6.4 pounds lost. Woot. <BR> <BR> <em>224</em> <BR> <BR> I went back to work today. The girl who rides the bus with me was late getting there (although she texted me and told me she would be late). Somehow our route moved quickly and we weren't running late at all. Anyway, about this girl. She's really overweight. She was telling me about these diet pills she just started taking. I was asking her about them, not because I want to... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 22:43:37 EST Day 10 -- PBM -- another sick day I had to take another sick day today. Last night my back and neck were hurting sooo badly. Husband rubbed my back and neck with some Muscle Rub. It was hard to get comfortable. Every way I moved hurt. I think part of it was from having to lay around so much Sunday and Monday when my stomach was hurting. I called the chiropractor's office and left a message saying I could come in any time today. She called me first thing this morning. I was so glad I was home today and happened to catch her as... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 21:06:47 EST Day 9 -- PBM -- Sore back and neck! Grr! I went back to work today. My stomach was still feeling a little funny this morning, but I didn't have any more issues with it, so I was glad about that. I'm so ready for summer break! I know we just had Christmas vacation, but sheesh. This has been a rough year and I'm just ready for it to be over. I'm ready to go back to the beach and just RELAX. And we'll have a CONVERTIBLE to take to the beach this year! I just thought of that earlier when I was talking about it with my family. (Daughter ... Tue, 13 Jan 2015 20:54:32 EST Day 8 -- PBM -- Sick Day Today my stomach was better than yesterday, but still a bit messed up, so I took a Sick Day. I spent the day just relaxing and sipping on Pepto -- blech! I found some good programs on Netflix to watch. I watched a PBS show about North Korea, and then I watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2." I really enjoyed it. I saw "Hungry For Change" was on Netflix (again? still?) so I watched it. I saw it a couple of years ago, but it was almost as though I was watching it for the first time. It is just ... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 21:49:27 EST Day 7 -- Plant-based Meals I had a pretty wicked upset stomach today, so I didn't do much of anything. I just watched a lot of TV and goofed off online. I don't know why, but earlier today, just a little while ago in fact, I got a sudden SURGE of motivation. I've been doing well, and have made progress, but I just got SUPER driven. I spent some time looking at pictures of fit, healthy women, and I just got incredibly motivated. I only hope I can hang onto it. <BR> <BR> Haven't eaten much today. Haven't had much of an ... Sun, 11 Jan 2015 20:02:25 EST