HEALTHYNCGAL's SparkPeople Blog HEALTHYNCGAL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Life sucks...partially anyway. My FIL passed away a little over a week ago. He was one day shy of being a full month into his diagnosis when he died. I am still in a sort of shock over it. We had four (yes...FOUR) services last week. It was just sort of a relentless sadness; a continual ripping off of the scab. There is still so much "up in the air" with the family drama and stress. I'm doing the best I can with it, but it's hard. My therapist helped me learn about boundaries during my last session, as well as how to deal ... Tue, 5 May 2015 19:51:16 EST Stress Overload I'm unbelievably stressed, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even really know where to begin. <BR> <BR> To begin with, my FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer a couple of weeks ago. He's going downhill fast. I have certainly been at odds with the in-laws in recent years. We've been trying to work things out, and we've been getting there...but slowly. Things haven't always been moving in a positive direction. At any rate, this whole situation has really shaken the fam... Mon, 13 Apr 2015 21:00:14 EST OMG! I'VE LOST 10 POUNDS! As of this morning, I've lost 10.2 pounds!!! Only 82 more to go, LOL! <BR> <BR> <em>246</em> <em>224</em> <em>334</em> Sat, 4 Apr 2015 10:49:42 EST I actually lost weight. I lost another 1.2 pounds, bringing my total loss to 9.4 over the past three weeks. (I started back on March 15-16). That's ALMOST 10 pounds. I'm really surprised and impressed that I'm actually losing weight, even though I've been so incredibly stressed lately. My co-worker brought that up the other day. She said, "You know, things have been SO STRESSFUL, but we are STILL losing weight." I hadn't ever really thought about that. She's really got a good attitude about things. She says things l... Fri, 3 Apr 2015 09:43:06 EST So frustrated. I can't escape stress. I just can't. <BR> <BR> Last week, my FIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. We haven't really had much to do with Husband's family in recent years, because, they're...well...crazy. They're just crazy. But we certainly don't wish them any harm. I don't want anything but good things for them. We did go over and visit FIL (and the entire family) after learning of his diagnosis. <BR> <BR> I went on my Girls Night Out last Wednesday and it was great. I decide... Wed, 1 Apr 2015 19:12:48 EST I want to keep going...But HOW? <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I happened upon this quote the other day on Pinterest, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I can't even recall how many times I've failed (aka given up). I was talking about it with my SIL last night, and both of us want to stick to it this time. I mean, I've wanted to stick to it every time, of course. My other SIL is really struggling. She's struggling with some family crap. When we suggested the ... Tue, 24 Mar 2015 20:50:07 EST South Beach Diet, Phase One -- Week One BOOM. Week One is DONE. <BR> <BR> I did really well this week. I kept my promise to myself and worked out all but one day last week (during the work week). I worked out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I stayed on Phase One, but I did have some baby carrots. (They were in a bag of raw mixed veggies that I bought and I didn't think about carrots not being "allowed" but I don't care. I ate them anyway. It's baby carrots, not a bowl of ice cream). I also allowed myself to have a couple ... Sun, 22 Mar 2015 12:12:31 EST Pre Day ONE! I'm starting over again tomorrow! I'm going to do it. I weighed myself, took all my measurements, bought healthy food, purchased some new weight-lifting DVDs (I'm not comfortable lifting weights at the gym). My SIL and I are starting Phase One of South Beach Diet tomorrow. I will do Phase One for two weeks, and I will also incorporate high-quality veggie juice. I told Husband, Daughter, and both SILs that I want them to call me out if I'm making a mistake or a bad choice. I told them I would ... Sun, 15 Mar 2015 21:36:15 EST Hopeful. I used to be in such phenomenal shape. I was a gymnast. A swimmer. A bike rider. I was moving from the time I woke up until the time my head hit the pillow. I felt like my body could do anything. I was so strong. I really felt badass. <BR> <BR> I miss that. I miss it so much. <BR> <BR> For so many years, I've been struggling. I've gone up and down and have probably lost and gained a thousand pounds...not even kidding. My body can't do as much as it once could, but there are still things I c... Thu, 12 Mar 2015 21:10:21 EST Never felt like this before. I am in tears. I weigh 236 pounds. I've gained even more weight, and I am currently not only the heaviest I've ever been, I am almost exactly TWO TIMES heavier than I was when I met my husband. I just did a little math on my calculator -- when I moved back from GA in September 2011, I was 162. In 3.5 years, I've gained 74 pounds. If I continue, I will weigh 310 pounds by the end of 2018. And there was a time when I wouldn't even consider such a thing. It would be preposterous. But now, it see... Mon, 9 Mar 2015 18:30:47 EST Saturday I didn't go to the gym today, but I DID do something I haven't done in a long, long time: <BR> <BR> I WAS SOCIAL. <BR> <BR> I took Daughter to the animal shelter where she volunteers. My niece was also planning to volunteer today, so my SIL and I sat out in her van for an hour and a half and visited. We talked about how she had gone out to dinner on Thursday with my other SIL (the one who's been having all these major issues with the family). We talked about the dinner and about the whole ... Sat, 28 Feb 2015 17:40:28 EST Thinking about trying again (again). I think I may actually go to the gym tomorrow. I've been feeling so terribly depressed about my gains, and about my humongous weight in general, but I felt positive and optimistic this afternoon and evening for some reason. I know in my heart that my body won't look better if I keep doing what I'm doing. I probably need to suck it up and count calories, too. I hope I still have the motivation to go tomorrow. I have a little over 100 pounds to lose. If I can lose 2 pounds per week, I could mee... Fri, 27 Feb 2015 21:28:59 EST Gained again. I'm 235 now. I've gained 5 pounds in less than a week. I start getting my period yesterday evening (and got it big time today) so that may have something to do with it. But STILL. I'm 5 pounds heavier than I was the last time I weighed in. <BR> <BR> I was texting with my SIL earlier. Just to back up a little, half of my in-laws are fine, and the other half are absolutely CRAZY. It's a really long story that I'll save for another time. However... She and I have been talking a lot lately abou... Sun, 22 Feb 2015 20:40:17 EST I think I just might give up. I don't even know what to say. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life. 230 pounds now. I just keep gaining. I know all the tricks and tips and do's and don'ts. I know all about taking things "one day at a time" and I know all about "making just one positive change today." I know all the little pieces of advice. I know what to do and I know what not to do. Yet here I am. For some unknown reason, I can't seem to force myself to commit to any of it. Here I sit at 230 pounds. I'm about 110 po... Tue, 17 Feb 2015 19:49:41 EST Frustrated and Annoyed...mostly with myself. After we got out of school early today, Daughter and I just rested. We spent the day looking at old music on YouTube. I was sharing some 1990s dance hits with her (she's started DJing and is into all kinds of music). That got us watching/listening to No Diggity by Blackstreet...which reminded me of Pitch Perfect. Then we started watching Pitch Perfect videos on YouTube. Then Husband came home and Daughter said, "You know, really need to just get this movie. I think we should either do that or... Mon, 2 Feb 2015 20:50:06 EST So excited! School let out early today because of weather. Yay! I love getting paid and not having to work. That's a dream come true. <BR> <BR> I just reserved the pool at my fitness center for Daughter's birthday later this month. She's having a completely PRIVATE, after hours pool party. I am so excited. Then I remembered she will be 14 and I almost fell out of my chair. She'll be in high school this fall. When, exactly, did that happen? <BR> <BR> Now to find bathing suits...for Daughter, and mysel... Mon, 2 Feb 2015 15:14:50 EST Dreams: What's YOUR dream? I've had a dream for many years. My dream is to be free. Free from the burdens I've carried for so long. I dream for financial freedom. I dream to be a healthy person, inside and out. I've had this "vision" in my head for so long of what I want my life to be like -- also the kind of person I wish to be. I dream to be more self-sufficient. Like most things, I start looking for inspiration, and find people that are totally off-grid, almost completely self-sufficient, and I just start to doubt m... Thu, 29 Jan 2015 20:41:56 EST Still here :) I'm still here. Just haven't posted in a while. Spent last weekend (the long MLKJ weekend) in Georgia visiting my parents. Have been very busy. Last week was long and hard, even though it was short. I had another therapy session last week, and it went well (they all do). Still doing plant-based meals with a little vegetarian here and there (very little). Although I did eat meat when I went away for the long weekend. It was really nice, actually. I told myself that this time would be different... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 22:48:38 EST Day 11 -- PBM -- Strange Day I lost one pound this past week, bringing me to a total of 6.4 pounds lost. Woot. <BR> <BR> <em>224</em> <BR> <BR> I went back to work today. The girl who rides the bus with me was late getting there (although she texted me and told me she would be late). Somehow our route moved quickly and we weren't running late at all. Anyway, about this girl. She's really overweight. She was telling me about these diet pills she just started taking. I was asking her about them, not because I want to... Thu, 15 Jan 2015 22:43:37 EST Day 10 -- PBM -- another sick day I had to take another sick day today. Last night my back and neck were hurting sooo badly. Husband rubbed my back and neck with some Muscle Rub. It was hard to get comfortable. Every way I moved hurt. I think part of it was from having to lay around so much Sunday and Monday when my stomach was hurting. I called the chiropractor's office and left a message saying I could come in any time today. She called me first thing this morning. I was so glad I was home today and happened to catch her as... Wed, 14 Jan 2015 21:06:47 EST Day 9 -- PBM -- Sore back and neck! Grr! I went back to work today. My stomach was still feeling a little funny this morning, but I didn't have any more issues with it, so I was glad about that. I'm so ready for summer break! I know we just had Christmas vacation, but sheesh. This has been a rough year and I'm just ready for it to be over. I'm ready to go back to the beach and just RELAX. And we'll have a CONVERTIBLE to take to the beach this year! I just thought of that earlier when I was talking about it with my family. (Daughter ... Tue, 13 Jan 2015 20:54:32 EST Day 8 -- PBM -- Sick Day Today my stomach was better than yesterday, but still a bit messed up, so I took a Sick Day. I spent the day just relaxing and sipping on Pepto -- blech! I found some good programs on Netflix to watch. I watched a PBS show about North Korea, and then I watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2." I really enjoyed it. I saw "Hungry For Change" was on Netflix (again? still?) so I watched it. I saw it a couple of years ago, but it was almost as though I was watching it for the first time. It is just ... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 21:49:27 EST Day 7 -- Plant-based Meals I had a pretty wicked upset stomach today, so I didn't do much of anything. I just watched a lot of TV and goofed off online. I don't know why, but earlier today, just a little while ago in fact, I got a sudden SURGE of motivation. I've been doing well, and have made progress, but I just got SUPER driven. I spent some time looking at pictures of fit, healthy women, and I just got incredibly motivated. I only hope I can hang onto it. <BR> <BR> Haven't eaten much today. Haven't had much of an ... Sun, 11 Jan 2015 20:02:25 EST Day 6 -- Plant-based Meals *PROGRESS* I went to the gym today. I had planned to workout for my usual 45 minutes, but I had some extra energy and decided to capitalize on it. I worked out an extra 15 minutes, for a total of one hour. I came home, relaxed, ate lunch, took a shower, got dressed, fixed my hair, put on full makeup, and started working on dinner. Husband had football on all day. Daughter and I watched a movie together in my bedroom (Bruce Almighty). She really likes Jim Carrey, and that's one of his good ones. I actual... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 22:54:04 EST Day 5 -- Plant-based Meals (one day late) My computer was messing up last night, so I couldn't enter my run-down for Day 5. Also, I forgot my lunch bag at home yesterday...grr. Fortunately, we had to get gas for our school bus, so while we were doing that, I picked up some food for lunch. <BR> <BR> ----- <BR> <BR> Day 5 <BR> <BR> ----- <BR> <BR> Breakfast: Breakfast Pizza (chickpea flour crust, salsa, potato, green onion), almond milk. <BR> <BR> Lunch: Apple, fruit & nut trail mix (raisins, peanuts, sunflower seed kernels, alm... Sat, 10 Jan 2015 13:51:56 EST Day 4 -- Plant-based Meals We had a two-hour delay here, so I only had about 5 hours with my students today. Not to sound mean, but it was really nice. I love my job, but those kids can drive me crazy. By the end of the week I'm particularly frazzled. One more more more day... <BR> <BR> Diet wise, things went fine. After work I came home and got dinner in the oven. We relaxed and watched TV. After dinner, I cleaned the kitchen, swept and mopped all the hard floors, started a load of laundry, and st... Thu, 8 Jan 2015 20:54:41 EST Day 3 -- Plant-based Meals I brought the recipe for that pinto bean salad in to my co-worker today, along with a little sample of it to try. She loved it. We were talking about it and I was eating it again for lunch today and other people were intrigued. I ended up giving the recipe to two other people. It was kind of neat! <BR> <BR> I was already kind of thinking about it, and then Husband and my mom both suggested that I see my therapist on regular basis, but much more spaced out -- perhaps once a month. I think th... Wed, 7 Jan 2015 20:35:02 EST Day 2 -- Plant-based Meals I was really tired all day today. It was a good day, though. I had to run a couple of errands after work. I received my specialty license plate a couple days ago, so I returned my temporary license plate to the tag office today. Then I went by the Clinique counter and picked up two orders I'd placed before Christmas. Both came with their awesome "free gift," and I'm keeping one for myself and giving the other to Daughter to go along with her birthday surprises. I went to the grocery store and... Tue, 6 Jan 2015 21:22:55 EST Day 1 -- Plant-based Meals So yesterday was the day I wanted to do all the prep work for my plant-based meals. The whole process was supposed to take 2.5-3 hours. After two hours, I'd finally finished all my chopping and slicing and cooking of pastas, rice, lentils, etc. I hadn't even begun to put any meals together yet. I was getting pretty discouraged, but I trudged on. About another hour in, I was just over it. I still had SO much work to do. I was trying to make this soup. At first, my food processor overflowed som... Mon, 5 Jan 2015 20:57:57 EST Bought healthy foods for meal plan. This morning I watched an obesity documentary with Husband that I'd seen a few days ago. I wanted to watch it again anyway, but wanted him to see it as well. Afterwards, Husband and I went to the library to print off my new plant-based meal plans and shopping list (my stupid printer is out of ink and it will cost a ridiculous amount of money to replace the cartridges. Ugh.) Then we went to the grocery store and started getting everything on our shopping list (which comes with our meal plans).... Sat, 3 Jan 2015 00:02:11 EST Plant-based Meal Plans Well, I finally did it. I finally signed up for the plant-based meal plans. She was actually having a killer sale yesterday -- 75% off her regular price for the annual membership of weekly meal plans. It only cost me $3.44 per WEEK, instead of $20. I'm always excited to save money. I will have to multiply everything by 3 though, to accommodate my family into the plan, but I think I can do that. I got really scared and overwhelmed when I started looking at everything. I will have to learn an e... Fri, 2 Jan 2015 13:16:45 EST An all time high-low. + Before Pic How ironic. I'm at an all-time high, and therefore at an all-time low. <BR> <BR> I've seen recent pictures of myself, ones which were taken during the holidays. I knew I had gained, and new I wasn't looking that great...but to see these pictures REALLY hit me hard. So I weighed myself a few days ago. I was 225. That's the most I've ever weighed in my life, even more than when I was pregnant. So I was sort of shocked that my weight was as high as it actually is. <BR> <BR> So... <BR> <BR> ... Tue, 30 Dec 2014 15:26:08 EST Tomorrow: I'm ready to do this. I talked to my dad earlier. He was tired, but said he was feeling better. They're going to the cardiologist first thing Monday morning to get the results of the heart monitor. Nobody felt he needed to stay at the hospital today so he came on home. He's continuing to rest. My mom is a retired nurse so I'm glad he has someone who "has a clue" watching over him. I think I cried about ten times today. I was just so worried about him. I still am, but I feel a bit better knowing he feels better. <... Sat, 27 Dec 2014 20:45:54 EST Ready to start over. I joined the gym again this morning. Being a former member, I didn't have to pay the hefty registration fee. I went and bought myself a nice new pair of workout shoes. I'm going to get my iPod all charged up. My water bottle has been washed and is in the drying rack. I have healthy foods to eat while I wait to start the meal plans. I'm ready for this. <BR> <BR> My dad was in the hospital yesterday with high blood pressure and has been wearing a heart monitor. They are going back today to ha... Sat, 27 Dec 2014 12:50:04 EST Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to the gym I go. I talked to Husband tonight, and asked him if I could do something I've been thinking about for a couple weeks now. I asked him if I could join the gym again. He said yes, and was incredibly supportive. He just said he wants me to actually use it (there towards the end of my last membership, I didn't use it at all. I understand why he doesn't want me "wasting money" on it, and I don't want to do that either.) <BR> <BR> So, tomorrow, I'm rejoining the gym! Since I work for a place that has a ... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 20:33:54 EST Christmas...and early resolutions. I had a very nice Christmas today with my family. I was thinking earlier about how FAT I've been feeling lately. Every single picture I see of myself, I'm obviously very overweight. I'm at the point where I can't even fake it in pictures, or in mirrors. You know how there are certain poses or angles where you don't look [quite] so heavy? Yeah. None of those work on me anymore. I've been wanting to sign up for the Happy Herbivore plant-based meal plans to begin on the New Year. Today as I was ... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 00:07:21 EST Contemplation. I've been thinking about former friends the past couple of days, ever since Husband told me that a former "friend" is recently separated and going through a divorce. It's one of those things I haven't thought about at all in months, but when someone mentions it, I tend to think about it for a few days. Last night, I went to my sister-in-law's house for a Christmas dessert party. My other sister-in-law was there, as well as their husbands, then my five nieces, Husband, Daughter, and me. We hav... Tue, 23 Dec 2014 09:11:49 EST Vindication. A few years ago, I had two girlfriends, and we were all very close. I will try to keep this as short as possible, but we had a falling out and haven't seen or spoken to each other in years. To begin with, they were/are heavy drinkers. I've certainly had my moments with that. I've also been activly trying to get healthy and well for several years (clearly not always successful with this), so there would be periods I'd go without drinking or be on a strict diet and turn down invitations to thin... Sun, 21 Dec 2014 13:52:41 EST My eighth session. I can hardly believe I've been going to therapy for so many weeks. I had my eighth session today. We started by discussing the very last thing we talked about during my last session: letting something go that I'd ordinarily be meticulous about. I worked on that actually later that night once I got home. It was HARD. I started noticing all these other things that were "wrong." We talked about what all that represented and she helped me learn more about why I am the way I am about myself and ab... Wed, 17 Dec 2014 21:36:57 EST Sick (again) and tired (again) Husband doesn't take very good care of me when I'm sick. He just doesn't. This is something that's gone on for years and years; something we've had countless conversations over. A couple of weekends ago, I was really sick. It came out of nowhere. He'd been out of town at a very stressful job for a week and wasn't sleeping well in his hotel room. I was as sick as a DOG, but when Saturday morning rolled around, he slept until 11:30 while I was the one who got up, took the dogs out, fed them the... Sat, 13 Dec 2014 15:35:02 EST My seventh session. I had my seventh therapy session this afternoon. The past two sessions have been challenging. We've been going over my irrational beliefs. Last time, I worked on identifying which irrational beliefs I have, and today we went through them, one by one, and broke them down into questions. (What is the belief? Why is it irrational? Is there any evidence to support it being irrational? What's the worst that could occur in regards to the belief? What positivity could come from letting it go?) So we... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 22:14:04 EST Blah. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I already feel so completely alone, even though I'm not. I feel like I'm an inevitable, consistent disappointment for the people around me. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, I mess things up. There's always someone pointing out what I could have done better, or pointing out what I did wrong. Sometimes that person is me; sometimes not. Sometimes I feel so taken advantage of and unappreciated, especially in comparison to how I treat others. <B... Sat, 6 Dec 2014 21:47:39 EST Sad News. A co-worker and dear young lady passed away today. She'd been in the hospital for a couple of weeks. She left behind a husband and a baby boy, a year and a half old. Everyone found out this afternoon and was just completely heartbroken. Everyone was crying at work. It was really sad. After work, I did some Christmas shopping. I called my parents and cried, telling them how much I love them. I did the same once I got home to Husband and Daughter. Things like these really make you think. It's f... Fri, 5 Dec 2014 23:22:58 EST My sixth session. I'm really tired, so I'll keep this short. I'll write more later when I have more time and energy. <BR> <BR> I had my sixth therapy session today. This one was quite different than the ones before. It was very productive, and I would certainly consider it "good," but it was pretty stimulating. After I left my head felt fuzzy and I had a little breakdown-crying session a little while ago. We began the Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy today, and I learned about the different irrational belie... Wed, 3 Dec 2014 22:18:48 EST Financial Progress. For the past several years, a huge source of my stress has been from money problems. My husband and I have struggled with money ever since we got married 14 years ago. In fact, we began our marriage on financially unstable ground. Husband came to our marriage with a car loan (and he was always one month exactly behind on his payments) and he'd financed a stereo and a TV through a rent-to-own place. I came to our marriage with a DVD player (this was back when nobody had one -- I was the only p... Sun, 30 Nov 2014 21:43:07 EST Kept a promise and exercised :) I've been wanting to participate in a 5K for quite some time now...probably about two or so years. I have been wanting to start a "Couch to 5K" program for the longest time, but I just haven't been pro-active enough to make it happen. <BR> <BR> I've been learning in therapy about how changing your BEHAVIOR is what changes your THOUGHTS -- not the other way around. So, I've decided to begin behaving like a person who is a healthy, active person, with plenty of good balance in her life. <BR>... Sat, 29 Nov 2014 20:04:54 EST A Big Decision. Earlier, Daughter asked if we could go to the track tomorrow. She wants to start running again because track season is coming up. I've been feeling extra fat lately, and I thought the exercising would do me good. I've been thinking a lot about starting up again with my "diet" and exercise, but I just keep putting it off and putting it off. So I'd decided to go walking at some point tomorrow, and I was happy about that. <BR> <BR> Later, I noticed my legs needed to be shaved again. For about t... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 22:18:10 EST Thanksgiving Vacation The rest of my week has gone fairly well. Husband said he was sorry. I know he was also feeling incredibly sick and I know part of my attitude was stemming from the awful day I'd had. My journal is definitely a place where I unload my burdens. The frustrations I write about are not how I feel about certain people or situations 100% of the time. It's just that this is where I can vent. Most of the time, Husband and I get along really well. I'm also freely admitting that I have been having a lo... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 15:18:17 EST The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Today was one of the worst days I've ever had. It was absolutely dreadful. I don't even want to rehash it all, but let's just say it included an accusation from a student's grandparent on my bus route that I tried to run them over with the bus the last time I drove it (Wednesday). She was SO ugly to me about it, and I didn't admit to anything, which didn't make her happy. (I'm not apologizing for, or admitting to something, that I didn't do!) So all I told her was I'd make sure they were fart... Mon, 24 Nov 2014 21:30:38 EST Change: It's Not as Bad as I Thought. Kept Daughter home from school on Thursday because she was sick. When I woke up on Friday morning, I felt like absolute garbage, so we both stayed home again. I felt really bad yesterday, too. Yesterday evening, I was feeling a bit better but I was incredibly weak. Today I feel much better though. I don't know what happened, but whatever this was hit me hard and fast. <BR> <BR> I've been feeling a change happening inside me. Ever since I started my therapy sessions, I've definitely been cha... Sun, 23 Nov 2014 20:08:24 EST