HEALTHYNCGAL's SparkPeople Blog HEALTHYNCGAL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Christmas...and early resolutions. I had a very nice Christmas today with my family. I was thinking earlier about how FAT I've been feeling lately. Every single picture I see of myself, I'm obviously very overweight. I'm at the point where I can't even fake it in pictures, or in mirrors. You know how there are certain poses or angles where you don't look [quite] so heavy? Yeah. None of those work on me anymore. I've been wanting to sign up for the Happy Herbivore plant-based meal plans to begin on the New Year. Today as I was ... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 00:07:21 EST Contemplation. I've been thinking about former friends the past couple of days, ever since Husband told me that a former "friend" is recently separated and going through a divorce. It's one of those things I haven't thought about at all in months, but when someone mentions it, I tend to think about it for a few days. Last night, I went to my sister-in-law's house for a Christmas dessert party. My other sister-in-law was there, as well as their husbands, then my five nieces, Husband, Daughter, and me. We hav... Tue, 23 Dec 2014 09:11:49 EST Vindication. A few years ago, I had two girlfriends, and we were all very close. I will try to keep this as short as possible, but we had a falling out and haven't seen or spoken to each other in years. To begin with, they were/are heavy drinkers. I've certainly had my moments with that. I've also been activly trying to get healthy and well for several years (clearly not always successful with this), so there would be periods I'd go without drinking or be on a strict diet and turn down invitations to thin... Sun, 21 Dec 2014 13:52:41 EST My eighth session. I can hardly believe I've been going to therapy for so many weeks. I had my eighth session today. We started by discussing the very last thing we talked about during my last session: letting something go that I'd ordinarily be meticulous about. I worked on that actually later that night once I got home. It was HARD. I started noticing all these other things that were "wrong." We talked about what all that represented and she helped me learn more about why I am the way I am about myself and ab... Wed, 17 Dec 2014 21:36:57 EST Sick (again) and tired (again) Husband doesn't take very good care of me when I'm sick. He just doesn't. This is something that's gone on for years and years; something we've had countless conversations over. A couple of weekends ago, I was really sick. It came out of nowhere. He'd been out of town at a very stressful job for a week and wasn't sleeping well in his hotel room. I was as sick as a DOG, but when Saturday morning rolled around, he slept until 11:30 while I was the one who got up, took the dogs out, fed them the... Sat, 13 Dec 2014 15:35:02 EST My seventh session. I had my seventh therapy session this afternoon. The past two sessions have been challenging. We've been going over my irrational beliefs. Last time, I worked on identifying which irrational beliefs I have, and today we went through them, one by one, and broke them down into questions. (What is the belief? Why is it irrational? Is there any evidence to support it being irrational? What's the worst that could occur in regards to the belief? What positivity could come from letting it go?) So we... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 22:14:04 EST Blah. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I already feel so completely alone, even though I'm not. I feel like I'm an inevitable, consistent disappointment for the people around me. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, I mess things up. There's always someone pointing out what I could have done better, or pointing out what I did wrong. Sometimes that person is me; sometimes not. Sometimes I feel so taken advantage of and unappreciated, especially in comparison to how I treat others. <B... Sat, 6 Dec 2014 21:47:39 EST Sad News. A co-worker and dear young lady passed away today. She'd been in the hospital for a couple of weeks. She left behind a husband and a baby boy, a year and a half old. Everyone found out this afternoon and was just completely heartbroken. Everyone was crying at work. It was really sad. After work, I did some Christmas shopping. I called my parents and cried, telling them how much I love them. I did the same once I got home to Husband and Daughter. Things like these really make you think. It's f... Fri, 5 Dec 2014 23:22:58 EST My sixth session. I'm really tired, so I'll keep this short. I'll write more later when I have more time and energy. <BR> <BR> I had my sixth therapy session today. This one was quite different than the ones before. It was very productive, and I would certainly consider it "good," but it was pretty stimulating. After I left my head felt fuzzy and I had a little breakdown-crying session a little while ago. We began the Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy today, and I learned about the different irrational belie... Wed, 3 Dec 2014 22:18:48 EST Financial Progress. For the past several years, a huge source of my stress has been from money problems. My husband and I have struggled with money ever since we got married 14 years ago. In fact, we began our marriage on financially unstable ground. Husband came to our marriage with a car loan (and he was always one month exactly behind on his payments) and he'd financed a stereo and a TV through a rent-to-own place. I came to our marriage with a DVD player (this was back when nobody had one -- I was the only p... Sun, 30 Nov 2014 21:43:07 EST Kept a promise and exercised :) I've been wanting to participate in a 5K for quite some time now...probably about two or so years. I have been wanting to start a "Couch to 5K" program for the longest time, but I just haven't been pro-active enough to make it happen. <BR> <BR> I've been learning in therapy about how changing your BEHAVIOR is what changes your THOUGHTS -- not the other way around. So, I've decided to begin behaving like a person who is a healthy, active person, with plenty of good balance in her life. <BR>... Sat, 29 Nov 2014 20:04:54 EST A Big Decision. Earlier, Daughter asked if we could go to the track tomorrow. She wants to start running again because track season is coming up. I've been feeling extra fat lately, and I thought the exercising would do me good. I've been thinking a lot about starting up again with my "diet" and exercise, but I just keep putting it off and putting it off. So I'd decided to go walking at some point tomorrow, and I was happy about that. <BR> <BR> Later, I noticed my legs needed to be shaved again. For about t... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 22:18:10 EST Thanksgiving Vacation The rest of my week has gone fairly well. Husband said he was sorry. I know he was also feeling incredibly sick and I know part of my attitude was stemming from the awful day I'd had. My journal is definitely a place where I unload my burdens. The frustrations I write about are not how I feel about certain people or situations 100% of the time. It's just that this is where I can vent. Most of the time, Husband and I get along really well. I'm also freely admitting that I have been having a lo... Fri, 28 Nov 2014 15:18:17 EST The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Today was one of the worst days I've ever had. It was absolutely dreadful. I don't even want to rehash it all, but let's just say it included an accusation from a student's grandparent on my bus route that I tried to run them over with the bus the last time I drove it (Wednesday). She was SO ugly to me about it, and I didn't admit to anything, which didn't make her happy. (I'm not apologizing for, or admitting to something, that I didn't do!) So all I told her was I'd make sure they were fart... Mon, 24 Nov 2014 21:30:38 EST Change: It's Not as Bad as I Thought. Kept Daughter home from school on Thursday because she was sick. When I woke up on Friday morning, I felt like absolute garbage, so we both stayed home again. I felt really bad yesterday, too. Yesterday evening, I was feeling a bit better but I was incredibly weak. Today I feel much better though. I don't know what happened, but whatever this was hit me hard and fast. <BR> <BR> I've been feeling a change happening inside me. Ever since I started my therapy sessions, I've definitely been cha... Sun, 23 Nov 2014 20:08:24 EST My fifth session. It's been a long day and I'm incredibly tired, so this will be short and surely somewhat vague. I will devote more time to this when I can. <BR> <BR> I had my fifth therapy session today. We began by reviewing what we talked about last time, and went over my homework from last week -- which was to create a plan where I would make my health more of a priority, and steps to do that, and I also had to work on changing one thing. I actually changed two: I drank more water and was more mindful ... Tue, 18 Nov 2014 22:25:12 EST Weird Weekend. It's been a strange weekend. <BR> <BR> Husband worked for half the day on Saturday. I spent the entire weekend going through my attic. I basically took everything out, went through everything, sorted it all, organized it, and put it back. I have some things in heavy duty storage containers, but most everything is in garbage bags or cardboard boxes. Everything is at least sorted and organized now, but I do want to buy more storage boxes for everything, get it all labeled, etc. We need to put ... Sun, 16 Nov 2014 21:28:03 EST Same struggle, different decade. So a few weeks ago, I decided to begin cleaning out my house (and life) of excess. I've slowly been going through various rooms in my house, and today I started cleaning out my attic. Long story short, I stumbled upon some of my old journals -- one of which was from 2004. This was an old Livejournal that I'd printed off -- a big, three-inch binder completely full of that journal. So after I got a lot of work done, I read through some of that journal. So many entries were devoted to me griping... Sat, 15 Nov 2014 21:31:35 EST My fourth session. I had my fourth session today after work. I can't believe I've been going to therapy for four weeks now! I also can't believe how it's helping me. <BR> <BR> Last week, we talked about guilt -- more specifically, how doing things for myself makes me feel guilty. She also started some identity-building activities, and last week I was told to bring in a short list of hobbies/activities that I'm interested in making part of who I am. I chose reading, drawing/artwork, journaling, and refinishin... Wed, 12 Nov 2014 20:05:39 EST Learning to put myself first a little more. Friday I was feeling very stressed from the whole situation with Husband, but I did everything I could to just let it go and accept it. I went shopping and bought myself two new pairs of shoes, a new pair of jeans, and some new art supplies. I came home and had a good, hard cry. I took a long, hot shower and tried to relax. I thought of all the ways Husband is good to me and to Daughter and thought of all the ways he shows us that he loves us; which he does every single day. I stayed kind of ... Mon, 10 Nov 2014 23:07:37 EST Discouraged and hurt. Again. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but Husband has this incredibly annoying and hurtful habit of, oh...never doing what he says he's going to do. He'll tell me he will take the trash on Wednesday, and it won't happen. I'll ask him to go by somewhere and pick up something on Thursday after work, and he'll "forget." It's been going on for 17 years. I've told him approximately 10,000 times how I don't like this, don't appreciate it, don't understand; I tell him I wish he'd do SOMETHING to help h... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 22:25:04 EST Third session. I had my third session yesterday. We went over the things I'd written down; activities I'd like to either reincorporate into my life, or the ones I'd like to begin/learn more about eventually. We talked about how I often desire to be doing things (I want to be more active, have hobbies, etc) but then there is a disconnect and I can't seem to make myself do it. She had a simple explanation, that made SO MUCH SENSE. <BR> <BR> That's Depression. <BR> <BR> Depression takes away your motivation... Thu, 6 Nov 2014 22:38:05 EST My second session. This afternoon I had my second therapy session. <BR> <BR> We started off by talking about how things have been over the past week. I've felt better, although yesterday was particularly difficult for some reason. I had to take care of some things in the morning that I'd asked Husband to do, because I desperately need his help, and I was irritated that I was having to do these things, annoyed that he told me he needed MY help, and that this was an adjustment for him, etc. Also, Monday afterno... Wed, 29 Oct 2014 20:56:18 EST Weekend. Had a nice weekend. It felt good to have my parents up for a short visit. They brought us their "old" dryer, although it's essentially brand-new. And it's certainly brand-new to me. My washer is also not doing well, but I've learned how to get it to cooperate pretty well. Eventually I'd like to buy a matching set, but for now I'm grateful for what I have. <BR> <BR> Husband was gone all weekend, DJing at a music festival. He came home today. Saw some crazy pictures on Facebook. Glad I wasn't... Sun, 26 Oct 2014 20:45:03 EST Company. My dad was planning to come to town today. My mom came with him, but I didn't know she was coming until they were already on their way. When Dad comes, he stays with us. They were going to stay at a hotel though, because we have animals and my mom is allergic. Anyway, it was a nice surprise. They came over and we had lunch together. Then they went to check in at their hotel and rest for a bit. Daughter played with my hair and rubbed my head for me. It helped me feel better. Then my parents ca... Sat, 25 Oct 2014 22:16:30 EST Better? Work today was pretty good. I emailed my supervisor today to tell her I will be scheduling meetings with the mental health coordinator, but didn't go into any details. I told her of my next meeting, which takes place next week, so she can be aware that I will need to leave my classroom an hour early. Hopefully my supervisor and the person in charge of the substitutes will cooperate with me. I don't really have any reason to think they won't, but you never know. <BR> <BR> After work, I remem... Thu, 23 Oct 2014 21:36:58 EST My first session. Had my first therapy session today. It went well. We talked about my history a bit and what brought me in to see her. Just knowing I'm getting some help has made me feel better. She's got me doing a homework assignment where I write down all the jobs I do in a week. I'm going back in another week. She also said she wants to teach me some strategies for when I feel like I'm losing control of myself and my emotions. She also wants to do some identity-building activities with me, so I can redisc... Wed, 22 Oct 2014 20:20:46 EST Therapy. For many years (about 20), I've wanted therapy. I wish my parents had gotten me into therapy, or at least counseling through school. I've always wondered if I could've gotten the help I needed THEN, would things be different now. I moved out a few weeks after I graduated high school, and I've never had any kind of health insurance since being on my own (except when I had pregnancy Medicaid once). The other day I was feeling particularly low, as I often do these days, and wished, again, that I... Tue, 21 Oct 2014 19:48:25 EST Kept a promise. Yesterday I set a goal for this week. I wanted to walk at least three times this week, and for at least ten minutes each time. Today after work, I went to the health food store and picked up my herbs, and went on a 12 minute walk after I did that. I know it's not much, but I'm proud of it anyway. I'm so glad to be back on my herbs again, too. I know they will help me feel better. <BR> <BR> Work was pretty good. Not a bad day for a Monday. After my walk, I came home, took a relaxing shower a... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 20:05:55 EST Discovery. I've come to the realization that I need to change a rather large number of my personal attributes and habits. These are all things which have been part of my life for so long, that I truly do not know life without them. I'm scared to make these changes. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared to completely change who I am, even though I know the things going on in my life are not healthy. I don't know who I am without these things. <BR> <BR> Here's what I know I must do, and even though I kn... Sun, 19 Oct 2014 21:19:06 EST Improving? I've begun to feel a bit better. <BR> <BR> I woke up at 3am Friday morning with a migraine and had to call in to work. I've been so sick this year, so has Daughter, and I hope I don't get in trouble at work for missing so many days. <BR> <BR> I was incredibly tired and depressed all day yesterday. I felt bad because Daughter was super happy and very chatty and the weather was gorgeous. I enjoyed it as much as I least I was aware of it. Yesterday afternoon I took Daughter to a sl... Sat, 18 Oct 2014 22:57:56 EST Broken. I've decided to forgo the wedding this weekend. I've just felt awful, and in more ways than one. My mom was/is pretty ticked at me but I honestly don't even care. I've got to rest. <BR> <BR> Picked up my dog's ashes today. I started crying as I was leaving the office, cried the whole way home, and cried for an hour or so once I got home. My broken heart shattered all over again Tue, 14 Oct 2014 21:34:34 EST Pick-me-up. Let me just get this out of the way first. Husband and I talked off and on all day today and we're in a good place this evening. I'm too tired to get into it, but I understand better where he was coming from and he understands where I am/was coming from. More importantly, nobody is giving up just yet. We're determined to work things out, and that alone makes me feel better. So many people have literally given up on me in recent years; just completely and forever walked out of my life. He hasn... Mon, 13 Oct 2014 22:19:01 EST Heartbroken. It's been nearly three hours since my last entry, and that incident. Here's an update. <BR> <BR> A few minutes after he came into the bedroom and ignored me, I left the bedroom and called Daughter out to the kitchen for dinner. She and I sat at the island together and had dinner. I brushed my teeth and came into "my room" (the guest room) for a while. Then I realized it was 8:00 so I went into the living room with Daughter to watch The Simpsons. We laughed really hard a couple of times (such... Sun, 12 Oct 2014 21:56:14 EST Alone. I hurt my back earlier this morning. I spent some time on the heating pad a little while ago, and then I asked Husband to rub some Muscle Rub on my back. As he was rubbing my back, I just started crying a little bit. I just have this overwhelming sadness lately that I can't shake. He and I have been having some problems and he's home after being out of town on business for a few weeks. So anyway, he's rubbing this stuff into my back and I just started crying. When he was done, he asked me wha... Sun, 12 Oct 2014 19:19:54 EST Overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin. <BR> <BR> My dog died a week ago yesterday. It's been one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I've cried every single day. My mother, whom I called about an hour after she died, hasn't called, emailed, sent a card, nothing. When I called her the day my dog died, she cried, then texted me a few minutes later saying they'd booked a hotel room and were leaving in five minutes to come up here. I didn't want them to go to all that trouble and expense, b... Sun, 12 Oct 2014 17:05:49 EST Worst weekend ever. I have three dogs, one of which is elderly. She's always been really "funny" about going poop. She is really picky about where/when/how she goes. If the grass is wet, she doesn't want to go. You have to basically force her to get out there and poop. As she's gotten older, she just decides she doesn't like to poop on the grass, and often goes on the floor. Husband's been out of town for several weeks on business and I've been overwhelmed at home, having to deal with everything myself, includin... Sun, 5 Oct 2014 21:23:04 EST Good things, and a pretty good day :) So yesterday I emailed a couple of local Physical Therapy offices and of them responded! They were very enthusiastic about me wanting to volunteer, and even said it could potentially turn into something more permanent. As she put it, "a paid opportunity." So. I'm going to call the owner/main Physical Therapist and talk to him. I want to explain to him my goals and see what kind of arrangement we can work out. I'm really proud of myself. I haven't felt this motivated or excited abo... Wed, 1 Oct 2014 20:03:31 EST Beginning again. Today I submitted my application to go back to school. I plan to begin taking a few online courses, and as soon as our debts are paid off and we have some money saved, I'm going to get a part-time job or cut my hours at my current job and begin full-time classes. I have decided to get a degree in Physical Therapy. I've also emailed a couple of local PT offices, inquiring about volunteering, so I can get some experience while I'm in school. It's so hard to find a job without experience, and ce... Tue, 30 Sep 2014 22:46:30 EST I'm back. I'm decluttering my life, in every way I can possibly think of. Removing excess, toxicity, and unnecessary things of all kinds. <BR> <BR> I started over today, and in kind of a new way. I also decided to start journaling again. I'm currently working on decluttering my home. My house is always neat and organized, but I just have too many things. I want to rid my home of excess. I've also decided to lay off alcohol for a while. Once I feel I've made good progress with each of those things, I ... Mon, 29 Sep 2014 21:20:07 EST WHAT A GREAT DAY!! I have had THE BEST DAY in a very long time! <BR> <BR> My friends' daughter was coming over today. She usually spends her days at home by herself but we wanted to have her over at some point while it was still Summer Vacation, to let her and Daughter play together and hang out. Her stepmom (they actually haven't married yet) but she is more of a mom than her "bio" mom has ever been; much like my Daddy was to me. <BR> <BR> I will call her Friend. <BR> <BR> So Friend shows up on the porch t... Thu, 7 Aug 2014 22:33:41 EST Olive branch. So I wrote my SIL a short message. I can see that's she's read it, but she hasn't responded yet. Perhaps she won't at all. Maybe she will but it could be hostile. Maybe she will respond well. Who knows. I just know I'm going to put down this anger, once and for all. Wed, 6 Aug 2014 17:23:27 EST Letting go...tearing down walls. I've had a lot of anger in me for a long time. I've been angry at my parents for various mistakes they made in the past, ones that I felt hindered my progress and had a lasting impact on who I became as an adult. I've been angry at Husband for all kinds of things. I've been angry at former friends who turned out to not be the greatest friends in the world. I've been especially angry at Husband's family for the many years of abuse and ostracization they put me and my family through ("my family... Wed, 6 Aug 2014 13:36:26 EST Confusion. Husband and I talked last night. We actually talked a couple times. Halfway through our conversation, his mother called. He hasn't talked to her since he called her on Mother's Day, so he took her call. They talked for quite a while, and she ended the conversation by asking him if things were ok between them. He said he was disappointed by recent developments within the family, but was glad to find out they had been trying to make things right with his sisters. The conversation was a good one... Tue, 5 Aug 2014 21:52:35 EST Conversation. Husband and I are going to sit down with a bottle of wine and have a talk when he gets home from work today. I'm trying to be optimistic, but at the same time, I'm really hoping it's not just a repeat of the same old, same old. "I'm sorry. I'll try harder." Blah, blah, blah, etc. I want it to be the beginning of a positive step FORWARD, not just something that's said, basically to just dismiss it until it happens again next time. I'm just absolutely at the end of my rope, and I can't take cer... Mon, 4 Aug 2014 15:57:17 EST Precipice. I can't remember a time where I was this miserable. I'm really not happy at all, with any aspect of my life. I feel physically sick, not to mention emotionally unwell. I don't know what to do. At all. I can't afford any kind of therapy or anything like that, so I need to figure out what to do. My husband doesn't even seem to notice...much less care. I don't know where to start. I jut know that I need to make some changes. "THIS" just isn't working for me anymore. Sun, 3 Aug 2014 21:34:27 EST I give up. Last night, I spent about 20 minutes VERBALLY debating on whether or not I wanted to cook the dry beans I had planned for tonight's dinner. I was going to make beans and rice at some point. I spent a long time mulling things over, figuring out how long the beans had to soak, etc. I finally (VERBALLY) decided against it, since I was working today and didn't want to work and then have to come home and cook beans for two hours. <BR> <BR> This morning, I woke up and got out of bed around 9am. I... Sat, 2 Aug 2014 20:30:25 EST Worked today. I'm so tired! I worked really hard today. I cleaned a house from 8:30-10:30 and then I drove up the mountain and cleaned another, GIGANTIC house which took several hours. Good grief. Nobody, I don't care how much money you have, needs a house that huge. I mean...geez. My hands are sore from so much scrubbing and wiping, etc, my back is sore from all that sweeping and bending, my feet hurt from being on them all day. Sheesh. I feel like an old lady, LOL. <BR> <BR> <em>46</em> <BR> <BR> I ... Thu, 31 Jul 2014 16:36:54 EST Yesterday. Monday was such a hard day that I was both mentally and physically exhausted. I went to bed with swollen eyes and a headache. When I woke up yesterday morning, my eyes were still puffy and I was worn out. I wanted to stay in bed, but I had promised Daughter we'd do a few things. <BR> <BR> Yesterday morning right after I woke up, I found out I have several cleaning jobs in August. I also go back to school, too, so money will be considerably better next month. I'll be bringing in a bit more th... Wed, 30 Jul 2014 10:54:04 EST Getting there. Working on a plan. I've spent a good portion of today in front of my computer and on the phone. I started by reading a couple of articles about getting caught up on bills when you're behind. Then I sat down and wrote out all of the debts I have, and all of the other bills I have. I looked up every single one of them online, or called, to find out the balance, interest rate, etc. I made a little chart which includes the bill, its balance, the due date, the regular amount due, any past due amounts, and total amou... Mon, 28 Jul 2014 15:29:21 EST