GRAYLADY13's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=GRAYLADY13 GRAYLADY13's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Cat bit my toe, that Woke! Me Up! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5726243 It's a cloudy day here in central Texas. We got rain yesterday!!! Hooray!!! Maybe more to come today. Our lawn is still green. Amazing. We are still in a dangerous drought but every bit helps. <BR> <BR> I have no idea why the cat bit me on my toe at 5:30 this morning. She usually sleeps just fine at my feet. I sure woke up fast! Now I'm awake with very little sleep and doubt I can fall back asleep. Do I stay up to watch soccer? Or take a nap? Decisions, decisions! Rain is caus... Thu, 26 Jun 2014 09:45:40 EST Gray energy form http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5718491 Last night my partner(BJ) and I had cross words with each other. Hurt feelings, ouchy discourse. It's not something we normally do. Now today I am left with a sense of sadness but unity. We are going through a lot with our grief processes. We are losing weight but the hurts of why we over ate all our lives still hang on us like shriveled but throbbing ornaments. <BR> <BR> I came up with the idea that when we discover one these hurts we take the "ornament" off us and write/draw it on a... Sun, 15 Jun 2014 14:14:01 EST Chomping for change http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5710541 What a year this has been! We have been home for only ten days since our speedy trip to Iowa for my mother in laws funeral. Yes, sadly. My partner and I have both lost our mothers this year. We are muddling through. <BR> <BR> Good news is I'm seeing a new therapist. I'm getting along with my pain doctor. I am back at SP because I can't do it on my own. <BR> <BR> In my head I scream a lot. I just scream in the confines of my head and it helps. I'm processing emotions as they come u... Wed, 4 Jun 2014 12:49:36 EST Does it serve me? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5657097 Yesterday was a rough day for me, emotionally, physically, mentally. I couldn't sleep so I was listening to guided meditations on YouTube. I found them very calming and useful. At one point I discovered the concept, new to me, to use the question "Does this serve me?" when I am having upsets. It will work for many things I think. <BR> <BR> My pain levels are high. My disabilities truly affect me dangerously. It is a constant battle to rise above depression, to combat suicidal thinking,... Wed, 26 Mar 2014 14:16:48 EST My Overeating Has To Stop! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5647790 Hi, I've been aowl due to sorrow, stress, and time constraints. My mother died and I've been coping with that. Sadly I've been Overeating I've gained 10 pounds. I'm hungry all the time. I am failing at everything. My house is a mess. I feel fatter than fat and down on my self, I'm behind on my paperwork, my chores, my self care, everything. Everything has been cast into a self pity pile of "How do I cope? Guess I can't, let's fall apart." <BR> <BR> Today I woke in pain in hands and le... Fri, 14 Mar 2014 14:27:42 EST Update Texas Devil http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5613177 The wind blowing around our little mobile home sounds like a howling devil. We had 77 degree weather Saturday and then it turned cold. I of course need to go to the store today, brrrrr! The rain went to the north of us unfortunately. <BR> <BR> I'm voting for the Seahawks to win tonight. Conspiracy nuts are saying there will be a false flag event during third quarter. Makes me feel sick in my stomach with fear. <BR> <BR> My dad called me Friday night sobbing to say mothers cancer is mor... Sun, 2 Feb 2014 15:51:17 EST Home Sweet Home http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5606693 I am home and so glad to beeeeeeee! <BR> <BR> My partner had gastric bypass surgery last week and survived well. I stayed in the hospital with her. I got 9 hours sleep in three days. I've had about 7 since we've been back. Been very busy but it feels good. <BR> <BR> My pain and nueropathy are horrible. I did a ton of walking at the hospital, loads, and sleep the bit I did in a recliner. Thanks Goddess for that recliner. I just did a lot of pretending that I didn't hurt. Very good at... Sun, 26 Jan 2014 23:37:55 EST Morning Mosey Posey http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5593592 Cedar HIGH, but I am coping with three natural remedies and three medicines and mind over matter and Kleenex. Ha ha, achoo. <BR> <BR> Well today I weighed 240.8, hooray! I have been having a number of problems with my numbers. Rising weight, high blood sugar, frustration was leading to despair. My formula got squed and I didn't know what I was doing wrong. <BR> <BR> My gut was in trouble. <BR> My sleep was troubled. <BR> My stress climbing. <BR> My well being crumbling. <BR> My weight l... Tue, 14 Jan 2014 13:04:47 EST Cedar fever http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5590276 Those who know about cedar fever probably suffer with it. You have my sympathies. Headache, sinus pressure, sneezing, congestion, maliaze, fever, coughing, wheezing, and runny eyes. All from the floating pollen of juniper trees. Sheer agony. Keeps me indoors and feeling horrible. Makes it hard to even do whats necessary because I feel that bad. We dont have the misery of snow here in Texas for the most part but cedar fever more than makes up for it. Gotta go back to bed, head is killi... Sat, 11 Jan 2014 12:56:13 EST An Answer to my prior blog titled Resentful http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5568372 The following is paraphrased from an article on www.tinybudda.com <BR> How to Release and Prevent Resentment in Your Relationships, By Sarah Louise Gess <BR> I am using it with my pain of my body rather than relationships (although valid for that too.) <BR> <BR> It takes huge strength and courage to express and communicate our emotions about our pain as we are exposing our vulnerable side—the very part that we want to protect and keep safe. <BR> <BR> But when we communicate emotions, we tak... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 00:16:59 EST Resentful http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5568362 My pain filled body can only take so much and I know this. I plan in times to rest, days that are for doing bare minimum. Today is one of those days and I slept like dead all day. I'm so tired it is hard to be sitting in my recliner with this iPad. I need to stay up awhile so I can sleep tonight. I need to stay awake long enough to drink my water and eat. <BR> <BR> Yesterday we went shopping for my niece's baby shower and grocery shopping. Ended up going to HEB, Pharmacy, Target, Bank,... Thu, 19 Dec 2013 23:43:30 EST Slipping into Cheese's danger-grasp http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5566594 I have not been losing weight for two-four weeks and I think it is because I've been caught by the false hunger of let's have some cheese. Grrr! Yes, one bite lead to more. I had started buying more, eating more, wanting more, consumed with that nagging eat me voice. Grrr! <BR> <BR> So I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow and today I took the cheeses of my list. I shall not buy the cheeses which grip me in the downward spiral of eat, eat, eat. <BR> <BR> Tue, 17 Dec 2013 14:21:48 EST Better Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5562558 Hooray! I had a better day today! <BR> <BR> Less pain, less eating, less hunger, less agony. <BR> <BR> The heating guy came and passed our heater. <BR> <BR> I registered on healthcare site today and as of Jan 1st will have insurance. I have rarely had insurance. Many of my prior jobs didn't offer it. Too many health issues to get it on my own. Many many years of no health care, no meds, and a whole lot of stress and fear. I don't fully trust this new healthcare program will pan out... Thu, 12 Dec 2013 00:46:29 EST Exhaustion Reins http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5560939 <em>333</em> Like being sucked bloodless by a vampire fibromyalgia has drained me of energy and left behind trails of bone crunching pain. <BR> <em>46</em> I hurt. <BR> <em>251</em> My spirit tells me, endure, nurture yourself. <BR> <em>446</em> I hurt too much to even be able to turn on my Solstice tree, its pretty anyway. Maybe I'll go for walk, no can't manage that. I'd like to see the neighborhood lights but it's after 11 so they are probably turned off. <BR> <em>542</em... Tue, 10 Dec 2013 00:16:03 EST Storms http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5559752 Storms travel across our lives with cold, wind, snow, rain and ice but storms also cross us with emotional upheaval from anger, worry, stress, loss, and even joy. As I drink my warm morning cup of tea and relish the scales being at 239.6 this morning I'm full of awe. <BR> <BR> A storm of awe travels the length and width of my body, mind, spirit and emotions. I am a storm of energy, as best as my ability can and this is improving! Middle of 2013 my despair was keen and ripe with fear and d... Sun, 8 Dec 2013 12:26:49 EST 3am, cold outside, not sleepy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5558823 <em>40</em> <BR> AWAKE <BR> Thinking. Listening to classic country. Memories of old friends, various lovers, sorrows and joys. <BR> <BR> My sweet partner cleaned up the tv cabinet day or so ago. Moved TV up, I can see it better. I put our two foot Solstice tree in the now empty space. I'm not finished decorating it but it is already bringing me joy. <BR> <BR> I follow Toltec beliefs along with my Dianic Wiccan beliefs. And got much support from them both today. My heart brother is ... Sat, 7 Dec 2013 05:03:15 EST It is cleaned off! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5553095 Hi, I am glad to report I have cleaned off the top of the tv cabinet! I moved the plants to the bar. The ivy and rubber tree need some tlc. My recently purchased mother's in law tongue plant is too big for the kitchen window now so it's going to the bar too. <BR> <BR> I bought myself a new plant, dill. I am nursing it, kinda weedily handing in there. I'm hopeful it makes it and I'll have fresh dill to cook with. Surprisingly here in Texas we had some freezing weather this week and I wa... Fri, 29 Nov 2013 23:15:17 EST Sacred Blessing http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5548807 Thanksgiving is bringing me so much this year. I am being blessed by being in the moment. Dozens of things are adding to my joy and thanksgiving. It's an attitude in me that has been developed over many years with much therapy, learning, mistake making, trial and error. It has developed from hundreds of people who have come and gone in my life giving me glimpses of their joy and leaving me embers with which to "spark" my own flame of joy and thanksgiving. <BR> <BR> I am so blessed, happy... Sun, 24 Nov 2013 03:17:38 EST Beets! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5541521 <em>369</em> My partner is so funny! The other day I bought a bunch of three big beets with tops. Her comment was uck! Honey you like beets! Canned ones! How do you cook them, she asked? I said I will bake them. Ok. <BR> <BR> They came out of the oven and I sliced them and she said I'll try one piece. I laughed, gave her one and she ate it and said not bad. Tonight for dinner she said do we have any beets? I laughed to myself and gave her three slices along with the other veggies... Thu, 14 Nov 2013 23:36:21 EST Question: what to eat if you're http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5539678 HELP! <BR> I'm not hungry. So odd saying that as a compulsive overeater. Can you say "Yes! I need OA!"? <BR> <BR> Lately, I've been unhungry. Yeah, hard to believe. I have been eating but not within my calorie range, 150-180 below. I'm eating fresh veggies, protein, dairy, whole grains, and fruit. But I'm not hungry all the time like i used to be and 3 days this week, I've not eaten at least 1,200. <BR> <BR> What to eat? How do you make yourself eat if you're not wanting to eat at ... Tue, 12 Nov 2013 23:36:38 EST Partnership Anniversary on horizon! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5526124 Friday is our 5th year handfasting anniversary and I am walking on cloud nine feeling better than I have in years. Crazy happy in love and losing weight, eating healthy, working on plans, getting ready for the coming holidays! Sweet! <BR> <BR> Sitting in my chair tonight I looked down at my big belly and it really looks a bit smaller. It felt nice, a inner smile moment. I am working on the idea of being smaller and okay with it. Rewriting my story so that being slim, fit and healthy i... Tue, 29 Oct 2013 02:15:08 EST Walking My Talk http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5509486 Alternate title: How I am a FlyBaby! <BR> <BR> Folks my act is coming together! It brings pain along with it but I am moving. It's been an interesting 10 days. <BR> <BR> Had a marvelous time going to Houston to see family and we did party! Great food, laughter, margaritas (not I didn't have one) and good conversations. I have a special family. <BR> <BR> Recovery took me a couple days. I had a good therapy session Saturday, then spent a few hours taking my heart grandson to the Y. Un... Thu, 10 Oct 2013 02:16:55 EST Cancer Free http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5503058 Hooray! <BR> Got my test results today from appointment with doctor and all tests showed no cancer!!! <BR> <BR> She has no clue why I bled (a little) but all inside me is good. I am greatly relieved. Oh yes! <BR> <BR> If I could I would like to hug my heart sister who died of cervical cancer. She helped me be strong these past couple weeks. I know she is glad I'm ok. <BR> <BR> She is the reason I started with OA. Started working on losing weight. <BR> <BR> I was so exhausted after dr... Thu, 3 Oct 2013 00:04:35 EST Poem: Walk with Me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5500919 Walk With Me <BR> By Graystar <BR> May 2013 <BR> <BR> The landscape is my body <BR> Pain is friend and foe <BR> Come walk with me. <BR> <BR> Toes curled with arthritis <BR> Dull and stabbing pain <BR> Begin the journey with one step. <BR> <BR> Ankles strong and stiff <BR> Bidding pain you come out <BR> Dancing once was carefree. <BR> <BR> Calves what did I ever do to you <BR> That you now ache and burn <BR> With a fire of sun fury tight? <BR> <BR> Knees throb my friends ahoy <BR> How to ... Tue, 1 Oct 2013 00:49:13 EST Poem: Ego Moment http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5499380 Ego Moment <BR> By Graystar <BR> 2013-09-29 01:22:38 <BR> <BR> Rushing waterfall of me and mine <BR> I did, I could. Enter my trap <BR> Spider witch full of herself. <BR> <BR> Beautiful web of can do <BR> Transform psyche, snap! <BR> (By words and feelings) <BR> <BR> Web glistens, oh disaster mind! <BR> Woven of beliefs so false <BR> Catastrophe falls: Crash! <BR> <BR> Reap and leap, beware, <BR> Entangled by the waltz <BR> Glitter ego goes dancing. <BR> <BR> Sorrow at years lost <BR> Mo... Sun, 29 Sep 2013 15:09:42 EST Doing something! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5496499 <em>250</em> the pix on the desktop of my iPad says: Do something today that your future self will thank you for! <em>381</em> <BR> <BR> I saw some one's post last night about FlyLady and I looked her up. She suggested cleaning and shining your kitchen sink as part of your getting ready for bed routine. Also there may be other things we need to add to the routine that will make your morning better like laying out your clothes, washing your face, moisturizing. <BR> <BR> Good suggest... Thu, 26 Sep 2013 02:37:09 EST Now a week of bliss http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5495436 I decided today that starting when I get home I am in my week of bliss. Ignorance is bliss they say. And seeing as I don't know about the test results and won't know until a week from tomorrow that I am in a state of bliss. Bliss is happy and carefree. Bliss is bubbles and rainbows. Bliss is feeling on top of the world. That's where I am now. Blissfully unaware of the outcome. <BR> <BR> Time enough to know next week! <em>30</em> <BR> <BR> I found it easy to drink the 32 oz of wa... Tue, 24 Sep 2013 23:25:35 EST Getting it done! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5494464 Many, many thanks to all who have been super warm, caring, kind and insightful on my last blog. It took me awhile to process everything I poured out. I really am healing on several levels. <BR> <BR> I went to see a GYN today because of the bleeding I had two weeks ago. She tried to do a biopsy of my cervix but my opening was closed shut and did not respond to the dilation medicine doc used. Yes, I am sore but no bleeding. Tomorrow I have to go get an ultrasound of my insides since the b... Tue, 24 Sep 2013 02:54:22 EST Is my weight loss genuine? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5487726 I am weighing under 250 lbs. This is scary. If I get thin men will bother me. That has been my life long fear since I was aware I didn't want men's attention. Even before that once I "got" boobs males have said terrible things to me often scaring me terribly and scarring me deeply. <BR> <BR> When I weighed 95-100 lbs. I was all boobs. I was uncomfortable in my body due to looks men gave me and things said to me and the ugliness of my psoriasis plaques when spread everywhere. I never ... Mon, 16 Sep 2013 22:10:22 EST Dr. Who are my ovaries ok? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5485871 Little black cubes. Don't play with them folks. Ha ha ha. I am totally enjoying the ones I am catching lately. The episodes. <BR> <BR> I saw my therapist today and talked about things really bothering me only to come around by the end feeling centered with myself and connected to my soul. <BR> <BR> A few days ago I was reading in bed late and suddenly there was blood between my legs. Folks I finished menopause 8 years ago. I was shocked and terrified. My heart sister, Fern, died of c... Sun, 15 Sep 2013 02:10:22 EST Trashy Tuesday http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5475113 Did some broom dancing today. If only I could mop too. Also cleaned much of the kitchen. Trying hard to not give the ants a reason to come in. They are attracted to avocado. So am I. Tee hee. <BR> <BR> I decided I wasn't going to be a victim today. I put clothes on. Put the oily lotion clothes in the washer. Psoriasis sucks. Had to sweep up nasty old skin flakes too. Psoriasis really sucks! I had a hard time getting food in me today. Finally at 3:30 pm I got some eggs and avocad... Tue, 3 Sep 2013 22:12:00 EST Pain: Round Three http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5474099 They don't know what causes psoriasis. It is hereditary and not contagious. Some who have it only get dry, itchy, flaky patches on their knees and elbows. I am one who gets it worse. Only I'm on a medicine that typically keeps it at bay. <BR> <BR> I'm in round three of agony. I have a spray medicine, a cream, and give myself a shot every week. My skin has been painful and itchy all day. I have not been hungry. I have been very tired. Very sensitive to cold. My sun dress drove me cr... Tue, 3 Sep 2013 00:07:11 EST Mixture of a blender and empty lotion bottles http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5472207 Mellow in my easy chair listening to Austin City Limits with joy. Mellow now I'm lotioned up and down with itching paid homage as the night relaxes in wee hours of a coming day. Calm and mellow from a day of journey to therapist and night of a journey to Walmart. <BR> <BR> Our blender burned up today. Had to buy a new one. Joyously got a red one to match the growing collection of red appliances and gadgets in my kitchen. Red brings me joy surprisingly. Started with a red kettle. A gif... Sun, 1 Sep 2013 02:47:35 EST Dry but Happy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5465401 <em>104</em> my skin is so dry, healing, and new breakouts (who knows) and lots of pretty new skin from all the peeling. You know how the Eskimos have a hundred words for snow I could make at least 20 for various types/levels of itching. Cussing here $&@?,!(;)&&€£%}~#*¥ Do I itch ? Holy mother of us all, DO I ITCH!!! <BR> <BR> It is summer here in Texas, about 85 outside at 1am and 77 here in the house. I am wrapped up in a heavy long night gown, a big flannel shirt and a warm blanket... Sun, 25 Aug 2013 02:25:14 EST High stepping Sunday http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5458954 Yes, today I will step high, move through the pain and care for my body, my sweet partner, my needs and my home. I have begun doing chores and the action feels good. I have been so sick, I am still very sick, but I feel like the worst is over. Time will tell this week. Many thanks go out to everyone who has uplifted me during this hard time. Thank you! <BR> <BR> Sun, 18 Aug 2013 14:44:54 EST Skin on Fire http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5455258 I am reporting on my dermatology appointment. The doctor was attentive and frank, so was I. She understood me not having insurance and therefore unable to pay for the standard treatment, which costs over $1,000. For a month. I am stuck with using OTC lotion and a prescription cream. Epsom baths if I am able to get in tub, in too much pain right now. My pain is off the charts. It was a lengthy hard appointment and I am still exhausted from it. <BR> <BR> My appetite is poor. But I am ea... Wed, 14 Aug 2013 16:29:23 EST Made it through http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5453161 I made it through this day. I took my partner to her doctor appointment. Then we got iced teas at Whataburger. I got food too: grilled chicken and peppers taco. Because I am coping with pain beyond belief I also got onion rings. I rarely treat myself so it's ok. <BR> <BR> Then I Drove us to Walmart and got the eye drops I desperately needed. Some veggie, fruit and fish. I also splurged and got BJ two water bottles, insulated and some glue sticks and penguin decorated duct tape. She d... Mon, 12 Aug 2013 17:59:11 EST Great meeting...Horrible pain http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5452320 Made it to my OA meeting and it was so good to see everybody. So good to be doing something social with people in person after months of being isolated by illness. Not that I am well yet. <BR> <BR> That's is the horrible pain part. My skin is on fire with pain, screaming pain, itching and burning agony. I have a dermatologist appointment on Tuesday, not soon enough. I can't express how bad it hurts. I have to be strong. This won't kill me. I have endured this before. I am very ill. ... Mon, 12 Aug 2013 00:09:54 EST Telling myself a story http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5451396 <em>104</em> after my last blog I did research on spark people about depression. I was feeling really bad about my crazy self. While the SP info on depression was good I did not find an answer that gave me help or so I thought. <BR> <BR> Finally my partner and I had a talk. It was a great talk and during it my answer came. It really is just like my therapist told me. Telling myself stories. Like the(my) life long story: Debbie does Dumb I was telling myself a story about feeling craz... Sun, 11 Aug 2013 01:36:03 EST On a trail of thought http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5451268 <em>45</em> with the taste of sweet strawberries still on my tongue I start writing and pouring out my heart. I had another therapy session today and it was very helpful. <em>45</em> <BR> <BR> I talked about the nightmares I had this week and made more sense out of them. Screaming and dreaming of screaming, waking frightened and dreaming of being frightened is a little weird. <em>10</em> <BR> <BR> <em>198</em> There is a major change in my life. My partner is going through ... Sat, 10 Aug 2013 23:03:48 EST Hungries http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5447080 <em>46</em> HELP!! The hungries have me in their grip. "Save me!" screams my inner child. Is it the new med I'm taking? Is it the sugar I had last week? Is it a worm in my gut? <BR> <BR> HELP, SAVE ME!!! <BR> <BR> The med seems to be helping and I am loath to stop it. Today I'm off sugar, again, geez it's so addictive. Alas, I don't have worms. <BR> <BR> I've been super hungry, super super hungry. Can't stop eating. Want more, more, more. <BR> <BR> Sick! Addicted! <em>46</em... Wed, 7 Aug 2013 00:03:37 EST Happy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5445406 <em>4</em> eating makes me happy. Food addict, yeppers. <BR> <BR> What is happy to me? <BR> <BR> Smiling at myself, seeing the silly, sweet, loving, likable aspects of myself and appreciating all the beauty and bounty in my life. <em>426</em> Living with magic and mystery, being a good witch, crazy and naughty too! <em>90</em> Laughing with my partner. <em>31</em> Having a good cup of tea. Having an icy glass of good tea. Giving our doggies a treat. <em>338</em> Being ... Mon, 5 Aug 2013 14:54:00 EST Debbie does Dumb http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5443767 Now just cuz I am using my birth name in the title does NOT give anyone permission to use it. My chosen and in use name is Graystar. PLEASE call me that or Gray. <BR> <BR> I went to therapy today and benefited greatly. I am learning mindfulness and moving beyond pain (mental, emotional and physical) of which y'all know I have plenty. We talked about negative self talk today and I have a wonderful list of some of my doozies. On the other side of my list is a title "Debbie does Dumb" whi... Sun, 4 Aug 2013 00:45:22 EST Being Disabled, a Daily Battle http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5438594 Being disabled is a battle daily for simple things. Add to this my battle with obesity. My pain wracked body so often will not allow me to do things. Emotionally and mentally the struggle to think and feel in a range that eliminates self destruction and doesn't slide into manic grandiose actions is also a battle. <BR> <BR> Like a solider weary from war fatigue and PTSD I have a heartache to "just be normal". Alas it's not to be and daily I must admit that I don't want to bow down to de... Tue, 30 Jul 2013 12:36:46 EST Doubting? Why? Rejoice! Yes! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5436276 <em>192</em> Sunday is weigh in day. I was anxious to weigh in when I woke up. I looked at the scale and my first thought was "it can't be true!". I felt disbelief. But wait! <em>345</em> I lost weight! Maybe the scale is off! <BR> <BR> Oh my even as I write this hours later I am still frightened that something is wrong with the scale. It's electronic. It was zero when I stepped on. No one uses it but me. It really must be true! <BR> <BR> I have been logging my food here on... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 14:04:26 EST Confusion or Confession http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5425857 <em>234</em> <BR> The past three day have been full, swift and rough as well as sweet. Tuesday night I had a battle with myself because of pain. Pain which had climbed to the point that lead me to think death was the only answer. <BR> <BR> I took a walk out to the mailbox and found a beautiful moon shining down on me. I remembered the moon teaches us everything changes. Therefore the pain will change. I came back inside and stayed awake all night feeling lost but determined. With th... Thu, 18 Jul 2013 22:57:53 EST Poem: Summer Days http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5416302 Original poetry by me. Writing gives me great pleasure. <BR> <BR> 30 May 2013 at 2:12pm lins likes this. QuoteEditPost by graylady on 30 May 2013 at 2:12pm <BR> Summer Days <BR> By Graystar <BR> May 30, 2013 <BR> <BR> Time sifts grains of sand <BR> And brings me to rest <BR> Among the dunes <BR> <BR> Sunlight warms aching bones <BR> And dances with butterflies <BR> Singing a song <BR> <BR> Dry my sweaty skin <BR> O' breezes of delight <BR> Let kites fly high <BR> <BR> A cool drink of ic... Wed, 10 Jul 2013 05:47:24 EST New Ritual (Habit) is Joy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5413735 Without realizing what I was doing I created a new ritual (habit) for myself and tonight it dawned on me what I was doing AND how it is helping me. <BR> <BR> After dinner I carry plates to kitchen and fill the kettle and turn it on. I then start unloading the dishwasher (or load it if it's empty) while the kettle is heating. It's become a game how many dishes can I put away before the kettle boils?! Then I make a cup of tea and go sit in my favorite chair and drink my "cuppa". Mine is P... Sun, 7 Jul 2013 23:14:04 EST Adjusting http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5409292 Adjusting to my life and the waves of stress and achievement that have washed over me. I am being affected by the fight going on in my state of Texas for women's freedom of choice and control of their own bodies. I ache with despair over the mysogymy taking place. Many of my able bodied friends are at the capital and involved with protesting. I want to be there too but am too disabled to do so. My health is precarious. <BR> <BR> I slept six hours from Tuesday into Wednesday which is f... Wed, 3 Jul 2013 06:43:12 EST Fresh mint in my tea! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5407217 My oh my! I have two outdoor plants: spearmint and rosemary. It is all I can do to look after them. The Texas heat, it was 108 here recently, will fry plants not watered every day. Some days when I am ill or in severe pain it is very hard to fill my watering can and go out to water them. I have an alarm on my phone to remind me. Girl, is that alarm needed! <BR> <BR> This morning I cut 8 big, long stems of mint. So fragrant, ummm! I washed them and rubbed them and put them in my tea p... Mon, 1 Jul 2013 10:06:22 EST