GOTTASTITCH's SparkPeople Blog GOTTASTITCH's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Ramblings One Rambling is exactly what I will be doing-- but after rambling hope I will be able to take the ramblings and put them in some kind of sequence. It has been a month since I have posted a blog and what a month that was. So many things occurred -- some unbelievable and there will be skeptics but I know what I saw, heard and witnessed. This will probably take 3-4 sessions to tell all. Please bear with me and i hope that when you read this you will read something that can affect you positively in... Sun, 3 Mar 2013 09:55:38 EST Declining Quickly. I has been 3 months since we got a clear diagnosis and Nov 9th was the date we were told he had only 4 - 6 months. We are just shy of 3 months of that into that timeline. <BR> <BR> J is very close to the same condition he was in the night I took him to the ER. I was told that night he would have died within 3 hours if he had not gotten there. All the toxins from the body were removed with the 20 hours of throwing up, IVs, etc. There is nothing that can be done to keep these toxins/gastric... Fri, 1 Feb 2013 06:10:55 EST Watching J Decline J continues to decline. His blood pressure has begun to fluctuate greatly. It goes from low to high about every 15 minutes. If it stayed low or high the body could accommodate but the body can not adjust the the frequent swings. His feet and legs are swelling to 3+ to 4 edema-- 4 is the highest rating. He can not be given lasix as it would bottom out his blood pressure. <BR> <BR> He is now very jaundice - even the whites of the eyes are turning yellow. This is how is was when he was fi... Sun, 20 Jan 2013 08:01:35 EST Where We Are Now I am actually starting to feel a little relief and not as tired. Christmas is over and today worked on getting Christmas decorations put away. Will be through tomorrow. Did get all the errands done today except the grocery shopping. <BR> <BR> I am still working with the insurance companies and the one hospital to get all the bill stuff straightened out. Don't think I will have any more problems. One of the hospital staff broke the last straw with me today. She was rude and was not going... Fri, 4 Jan 2013 23:59:16 EST Upate and Thoughts of Christmas and Gratitude Was going to write this a couple of days ago but J's condition and time did not allow. So here I am awake for whatever reason in the wee hours of the morning on Christmas Eve. I slept a little and now wide awake. <BR> <BR> On Thursday 12/13 I came home and J annouced that he had had a really good day. Friday everything changed. For the first time he was not able to get out of bed all day. The nurse made her visit and could definitely see the decline. Friday and Sat he was much the same. <BR... Mon, 24 Dec 2012 03:10:39 EST Almost Recovered I think I have almost beat the respiratory stuff. Still a cough but not as bad. <BR> <BR> So far so good J did not catch it-- I sprayed enough Lysol to disenfact the county, stayed as far away from him as possible, and did not handle anything he was going to touch. <BR> <BR> I am now so far behind but nothing I can do about it. I take care of the have to do's and the rest just has to wait. <BR> <BR> J is holding his own right now-- more bad days than good days and no rhyme or reason f... Fri, 14 Dec 2012 08:40:52 EST Cardiologist update and Insurance Took J to the cardiologist yesterday afternoon- he cut his heart med in half. Hopefully this will inc his heart rate. Rght now his heart rate is stqaying between 44- 48. We need it to get up to 54-60. If this does not raise the heart rate then we will know it is the cancer and not the meds. Will take a couple of days to really tell what the results will be. <BR> <BR> In the meantime the insurance has denied the last hospital bill--- says it was not neccessary. How can they possible say ... Sat, 8 Dec 2012 07:46:32 EST Update But Nothing Much New Not a lot new-- This week the morphine had to be doubled. Therefore he is sleepinf more and in general is getting weaker. All expected, <BR> <BR> I am now very sick with the upper respiratory crud-- running a fever of about 101. Our poor daughter having to take care of both of us. Have things that have to be done today -- do not feel like and do not need to be out but have no choice. Staying as far as I can away from J, this is the last thing he needs. <BR> <BR> J has an appointment with... Fri, 7 Dec 2012 06:48:41 EST Update But Nothing Much New Not a lot new-- This week the morphine had to be doubled. Therefore he is sleepinf more and in general is getting weaker. All expected, <BR> <BR> I am now very sick with the upper respiratory crud-- running a fever of about 101. Our poor daughter having to take care of both of us. Have things that have to be done today -- do not feel like and do not need to be out but have no choice. Staying as far as I can away from J, this is the last thing he needs. <BR> <BR> J has an appointment with... Fri, 7 Dec 2012 06:48:41 EST If One More Person Says I Need To Slow Down I Will Scream I know they mean well but if one more person tells me I need to slow down I will zcream. This is the situation. I am working full time. Taking care of the regular daily/weekly stuff. Taken over the duties of caregiver which includes taking care of or overseeing the physical care and the mountains of paperwork with insurance and bills, legals, etc. Taking care of legal business. And Christmas on top of that and trying to keep it as normal as possible as it will be the last Christmas if h... Sat, 1 Dec 2012 20:37:26 EST Declining Quickly. Yeterday was a difficult day. <BR> <BR> J has declined very rapidly the past 2 weeks. Color is not good, much weaker. and pain has significantly increased. <BR> <BR> The nurse was here yesterday and agrees the decline has been faster than she or the doctor expected. <BR> <BR> A mild dose of morphone was started last night as well as increasing and adding other meds. She says she likes to start at a low dose to see how they react to morphine and then gradually increase. She says the amou... Wed, 28 Nov 2012 05:54:27 EST Thanksgiving, Dragons, And Ramblings Let's first get the dragon out of the way. I really thought the dragon had been slayed ( you know what I am talking about if you have read my previous blogs) With the continued stress, emotions and stuff the dragon is trying to raise the ughly head. I will enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner and then I am going to have a little take with that dragon. It has to take it's ughly head elsewhere. I am stronger than the dragon. <BR> <BR> I will now give the update on J and then will ramble. J has had... Thu, 22 Nov 2012 10:00:29 EST Hospice Has Started Yesterday was another busy day. Started out with a doctors appointment with the urologist that did surgery on J. He had not gotten the report regarding the cancer but he was aware that oncology was in. When we told him the type of cancer he just dropped his head and said "hat one is a tough one" That was pretty much the end of the visit-- nothing else he could do and nothing really to say. He ended with try to enjoy the holidays and be with family. <BR> <BR> The next stop was to the tax... Sat, 17 Nov 2012 07:06:31 EST Final Decision Day Today is the deadline for J to decide whether to take treatment or not. Again a decision I am glad I am not having to make. <BR> <BR> There was a brief thought that he would try the treatment and stop if he thought it was too harsh. That thought did not last long. He then decided he was not going to take treatment. Reasons for him are that he feels he will be trading the symptoms of the cancer for the symptoms of the chemo. The chemo only calms the symptoms of cancer and does not cure. ... Wed, 14 Nov 2012 06:27:31 EST Thank You Thank you is so little to say to you following my blog. It helps to know you care and your words of support are so appreciated. <BR> <BR> Strong I am -- an angel I am not. You just do not know the petty thoughts in my head. <BR> <BR> J has spent the last two days here. It has been difficult to say the least. Yesterday his mother, brother, and sister visited. His mother is 89 on oxygen and very weak, his brother is the best of the lot but not saying a lot-- he has made it clear he can ... Sun, 11 Nov 2012 08:18:01 EST Decision Time I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have to decide how long I want to live. <BR> <BR> We went to the oncologist yesterday morning. According to the PET Scan the cancer has not yet spread to the lungs. This is surprising since he is already very short of breath with very little activity and sometimes even at rest. <BR> <BR> J has 4 to 6 months without treatment. 12 to 18 with treatment. Treatment would be 6 cycles of chemo – 5 days of treatment and 5 weeks off. <BR> <BR> The ... Sat, 10 Nov 2012 11:00:27 EST Totally Selfish, Totally Honest Just a few hours and my sentence will be revealed. <BR> <BR> Yes MY sentence. <BR> <BR> I know how selfish this sounds and I know how selfish it is. <BR> <BR> I have a thousand plus-- what if's running through my mind. <BR> <BR> I am trapped. <BR> <BR> I have no feelings for this man that I can not call husband and I can not call ex. Yet I will have to be the caregiver for the rest of what life he has. Will that be months or will it turn into years. <BR> <BR> Last night the fears set i... Fri, 9 Nov 2012 06:28:17 EST One More Day Yesterday was another morning at the hospital. Spouse had a PET Scan. <BR> <BR> While he was busy with that I went to the administration and was talk to the Director of Risk Management regarding all the problems that occurred while he was in the hospital. I had reported everything to the charge nurse and the Director of the Unit but felt they only half listened and were only saying things to try to appease me. <BR> <BR> Not at all what the lady I spoke with yesterday did. She listened... Thu, 8 Nov 2012 06:25:44 EST Unsettled And Need To Concentrate I did not accomplish a thing yesterday. I could not concentrate or focus on any one thing. <BR> <BR> I guess there are too many emotions to deal with-- yes even the selfish ones. <BR> <BR> In the past year I have created spaces in my home the way I always wanted them. I selfishly walked through yesterday and thought of all the changes that will again have to be made. <BR> <BR> I am not feeling guilty about my feelings as I think they are natural after being so happy and at peace. I am a... Sun, 4 Nov 2012 05:27:36 EST The Verdict Is In Yesterday was the day to hopefully have questions answered and yes we got the answers -- at least most of them. <BR> <BR> I must first say how blessed we were to have this particular doctor to be the one that arrived when the oncology consult was ordered. He is special beyond words. <BR> <BR> Entering his office was a wonderful experience. The whole center of the building was a beautiful garden. The exam rooms were the outside perimeter surrounding the garden. There was brick laid just ... Sat, 3 Nov 2012 07:49:20 EST The Verdict Is In We are so blessed to have a special oncologist on call at the hospital when the consult was ordered. <BR> <BR> Yesterday we went to his office to get results of test and biopsy. First this doctor's office was like none I have ever entered before. The waiting room was like any typical waiting room. Once you went through the door to the exam rooms it was amazing. The exam rooms were around the outside perimeter of the wall. Now typically every square foot in the doctors office is utilized... Sat, 3 Nov 2012 07:07:16 EST Answers Today -- Maybe???? I was up and at hospital early yesterday morning to sit at hospital -- waiting for answers. <BR> <BR> I had an eye appointment also and fortunately there was no change and I did not have to have expensive new glasses this year. <BR> <BR> Back to the hospital to wait. I knew the urologist was coming in around noon. A friend came by to visit and was appalled to find me sitting in the lobby and more appalled when he saw how my ex and son were treating me. I have learned to just shrug it off... Fri, 2 Nov 2012 06:42:40 EST No News Yet I worked a very full day yesterday and did not get to the hospital till close to 8:00 and left before 9:00. I was pleased to see the night nurse was very knowledgeable and very informed. I could tell she had actually reviewed the chart. She was very concerned about his "fragile" condition. <BR> <BR> He had a CT guided scan yesterday. I knew about what they were doing and she confirmed and further explained the procedure. While a scan was running a needle was inserted through his low back ... Thu, 1 Nov 2012 04:37:36 EST Some News, More Frustration, More Test Yesterday I got to the hospital a little after 6:00 AM. The night nurse was still on duty and showed me incompetency. He was giving me lab results of my ex-- but happened to be getting the results from the another patients info. Talked to the night charge nurse and then again to the day charge nurse and then to the nurse managers. <BR> <BR> I do not like the hospitalist at all. They come in and have no clue what is going on and I am having to tell them what they are and are not going to... Wed, 31 Oct 2012 06:26:09 EST Surgery and Outcome Surgery and outcome was as expected but I am really not happy with the hospital at all. <BR> <BR> Ex was taken into surgery at 12:00 as scheduled and lasted 1.5 hours. The urologist said there was blood in the back of the left kidney-- he was not sure if it was from irritation of the catheter or from something else. He looked concerned and he removed 6 samples of tissue for biopsy. The pressure that is causing the kidney failure is not from the prostate but from above. Which means a tumo... Tue, 30 Oct 2012 05:16:09 EST Rough Weekend and Surgery Today The weekend was a very rough. I told you of the long day Friday getting him and he was so very weak and now having pain. We were able to get pain meds-- pain relieved but dropping the already low blood pressure way too low. <BR> <BR> Sat his sister came to visit-- Not a welcomed visit by him or me -- therefore I had to stay close. He was much weaker and had to have help with all walking. Twice he went out on me and I had to catch him and hold him up. At 6ft 4 a good thing I was able to ... Mon, 29 Oct 2012 06:21:15 EST Love You For Your Concern - Need To Clarify Love you all for your caring and concern. Just need to clarify where I am with this process and this time of my life and answer some questions and let you know where my heart is. <BR> <BR> First unfortunately there is NO ONE else that can help with his care at this time. Our two grown children have their own disabilities and require some help and guidance. A lot of my stress is because I am being pulled between two houses, a job, my time, and making sure my daughter is getting her needs met.... Sat, 27 Oct 2012 07:43:54 EST Feeling Down and Out but I KNOW I AM NOT That is the best I know how to describe my feelings. <BR> <BR> Today will be interesting. <BR> <BR> Today I have to take Ex to hospital for pre op and then to take care of some business. At least he is being cooperative with that. <BR> <BR> Down and out because I feel like my life has been turned upside down. I have been separated for 11 months now--- in SC you have to wait a year to get a divorce. If he spends one night in this house and does get better the year has to start over. Th... Fri, 26 Oct 2012 05:50:53 EST Maybe A Little Closer To Answers Spent yesterday morning at Doctor offices with ex. Let me recap just a little. Ex was admitted to hospital 3 weeks ago and was there for 6 days. The admitting Doctor did a scope and said he was sure it was lymphoma, it was just a matter of what kind. He talked about oncology referral also. His partner came in on the 6th day said he was sure it was not cancer and sent him home and scheduled for a test at another hospital that was done last Tuesday, <BR> <BR> So yesterday we saw the doct... Wed, 24 Oct 2012 06:02:44 EST Nothing New Thank you all for caring and following news-- I do not expect to know anything else before Tuesday. I will blog then to let you know the latest. For a few days going to try to relax if possible. Thu, 18 Oct 2012 06:11:56 EST What I Learned From Hospital Test What I learned-- <BR> 1.Our medical system is a wreck -- automated check in at the hospital was crazy-- have to slide patient's drivers license for identification-- oh but the new license doesn't work with the system, so slide a credit card--not putting my credit information in anything. Insurance information wrong but no way to correct it. After about 15 minutes of this it tells you the estimated balance you owe and wants credit card again-- no way -- especially since the insurance info... Wed, 17 Oct 2012 05:57:48 EST The Dragon IS Gone Forever Yesterday was a very long work day. I left home at 7:00 and got home around 8:00 last night. Exhausted. BUT I went into office for maybe 20 minutes did what I had to do-- spoke to only two people and left. That is the way it will be from now on. Say only what I have to say and leave. <BR> <BR> I take the ex for test this morning. I am sure we will not get any results today and since he has not bothered to set up any follow up appointments don't know when we will get test results. I wi... Tue, 16 Oct 2012 06:28:37 EST Sunday No News Day Sunday was another good day. After feeding the dogs, having breakfast and reading the paper decided I would stretch out for another hour of sleep -- that lasted 3 hours. Then I got up and my daughter and I went for a ride. <BR> <BR> Still no news except rough a mutual friend of ex that had seen him and said he was looking really bad again. Not surprised as the same thing is wrong with him now that was wrong with him the day he went into the hospital. Not one thing has changed. <BR> <B... Mon, 15 Oct 2012 05:17:31 EST Saturday Was A Perfect Day Saturday was normal. I got some really good rest Friday night which helped. Saturday morning I got in a good exercise session and the did the usual errands. Came home and had lunch then took my daughter out just to get her out of the house. <BR> <BR> When we returned home I did the straightening up and cleaning that had been ignored. I also got in the closet and got my few -- very few -- Halloween decorations out. <BR> <BR> Ahhhh so much better. Boiled shrimp and fixed a nice salad fo... Sun, 14 Oct 2012 07:50:21 EST No News Is Good News I Guess Nothing new to tell on the health scene now. I tried to take a break from it all yesterday. <BR> <BR> Work was horrible and will not go into all the details except to say that no one up there has there act together. <BR> <BR> I was so disgusted I worked a few hours finishing up some things I needed to do-- saw one patient I needed to see and left. There was no doubt with anyone that I was disgusted and that I had more than enough reason to be. <BR> <BR> So I came home earlier than expec... Sat, 13 Oct 2012 06:53:44 EST I Think I SPLAINED Some Things At Work Yesterday A friend tells me that sometimes people don't understand till I SPLAIN it to them -- which is a lot different than explaining it. Also says nobody will want to be SPLAINED to but one time. <BR> <BR> The work week has been horrible - some of the issues are old but everyone chooses to ignore them. So now things are going to be looked at differently. I will not go into the all the aggravating details but there basically everyone is not held to the same standard in that office. Different exp... Sat, 13 Oct 2012 06:46:25 EST Does Anyone Know What IS Going On It is a shame when I am telling the Doctor what is going on!!! <BR> <BR> Still trying to set up the procedure that needs to be done to find out what the blockage of the pancreas is. <BR> <BR> The Doctor's office called yesterday to say the Ins would not pay for the procedure until a scan with the IV dye contrast was done. I wanted to scream-- they did not and can not do that scan because the left kidney is not functioning properly and will not flush the dye. Do the doctors not read thei... Fri, 12 Oct 2012 05:41:51 EST Almost A Normal Day First and most important each of you that are checking on me means so much. Just proof of how awesome you all are. It means so much to know people really care. I will get around to responding to each of you personally. For now just know how much you are appreciated. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was almost a normal day. No news from the doctors yet as to when the procedure will be done. <BR> <BR> I have not seen my ex but talked to him once regarding some insurance issues and he sounds horrible.... Thu, 11 Oct 2012 06:36:52 EST It Is All Insane I tried to work a normal day yesterday but of course that could not be done. First I had to have a serious talk with the director regarding things that were not handled while I was out with a life and death situation-- and they all know in five years I have been out a total of 3 days sick. Long story short they were suppose to see my patients or at least call them to say why no one was there. We are required to call in by 7:30 if we are not coming in--I called three people-- one chose not... Wed, 10 Oct 2012 05:47:32 EST I want to scream After all the waiting and waiting we still know nothing. The gastro Dr came in yesterday afternoon and said he did not think it was cancer at all-- now this is after 3 doctors have said it is there. <BR> <BR> The pancreas is so swollen that they can not get the scope down to where they need to see and biopsy. They can not do this procedure at the hospital he is in now. So they discharged him last night and he goes for an outpatient procedure Wednesday. <BR> <BR> Until Sunday he had been... Tue, 9 Oct 2012 05:41:02 EST Waiting and Waiting The weekend has been a time of waiting and more waiting. Waiting for doctors who never came, waiting for partners of the regular doctors who came but were not as informed. <BR> <BR> What I do know now that is there are multiple problems. There is obstruction of the bile duct, a mass on the pancreas with the pancreas so swollen they are not able to get the scope down to the obstructed bile duct, the left kidney is not functioning and there is very low urine output. His heart rate is all ... Mon, 8 Oct 2012 08:00:51 EST MAKING CHANGES I have been stuck in a 5 pound range for way to long. I am determined I am going to get below that range by the end of May. In the past there seems to be a point that I get to and just can't get past it. I do not know if there is a psychological block or if I just get to feeling I am doing so good and get slack. <BR> <BR> I am stepping up the exercise and tracking my food. I have done this for so long I know when I am and am not eating healthy and I feel I am pretty much on track most of... Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:31:13 EST WHAT GETS BETWEEN ME AND MY GOALS??? There are two things that seem to be standing in my way. The first and biggest is Me. The second is time -- more like the lack of time. <BR> <BR> There is nothing I can do to change time. I can not add hours to my day. I can not cut back on work hours. I try to balance the list of things I have to do, need to do and want to do. Not easy and I do not think I am very good at it. I keep trying. <BR> <BR> The second thing is ME. There are lots of things that can be done with me. <BR> On... Tue, 20 Mar 2012 20:45:30 EST Routine And Consistency Pays Off Have really been working on getting back to routine this past week -- wading in the water instead of diving in. <BR> <BR> My main focus was consistency with the morning aerobics. The healthy eating is much easier-- who wants to exercise and then eat away the benefits--- NOT ME. <BR> <BR> The results - A 4.2 lb weight loss!!!! <BR> <BR> I now will work on easing back into the evening strengthening exercises-- a day for upper body, one for lower body and one for core. In addition did 10... Mon, 12 Mar 2012 21:33:45 EST Small Changes Can Lead To Big Results I belong to a team (50's/60's Savvy,Sexy and Sensational) started a Personal Challenge the middle of February. Each member states their personal challenge, reports their progress, ask for support and celebrate success. There is no start or finish date other than those determined by the member. Other members can watch the progress, be inspired, offer support/suggestions and celebrate with their team members. <BR> <BR> I made no progress in February. <em>24</em> I do know why. Life got v... Fri, 2 Mar 2012 12:30:05 EST THE INTERMISSION IS OVER I have not been fully on tract and routine since the first of Devember since the first of December. <BR> <BR> The holiday activity, separation from ex Dec. 3rd, A January vacation away from home for a week. Back home a week and then another more than a week vacation away from home. A new charting system at work with extra long working hours and on and on. <BR> <BR> IT Stops here and today <em>227</em> . <BR> <BR> Today I will finish catching up with all the have to do list that has been... Sun, 26 Feb 2012 08:17:28 EST Independence Day Posting this today in blog as I want to save this. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> July 4th 2010 <BR> <BR> INDEPENDENCE DAY <BR> <BR> Up very early as usual and logged into Spark -- let me say that now I log in most days -- not active on any teams right now. <BR> <BR> I looked at my SparkPage Introduction and realized I had not updated anything since Jan 2009! <BR> <BR> Thought about our Independence and all the freedom and independence we enjoy in the USA. All after attending a beautiful outdoor... Sat, 31 Dec 2011 07:46:35 EST Independence Day This was the opening on my page and reposting it under blogs as I want to save it as a reminder. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> July 4th 2010 <BR> <BR> INDEPENDENCE DAY <BR> <BR> Up very early as usual and logged into Spark -- let me say that now I log in most days -- not active on any teams right now. <BR> <BR> I looked at my SparkPage Introduction and realized I had not updated anything since Jan 2009! <BR> <BR> Thought about our Independence and all the freedom and independence we enjoy in ... Sat, 31 Dec 2011 07:40:51 EST Getting Back On Track It has been a while since I updated my blog. <BR> <BR> Yes I still believe in the importance of self and independence I wrote about in my last blog, <BR> <BR> With that said, everything has ifs, ands, and buts. <BR> <BR> Life circumstances got me way off track in February. However I would not trade the events of that time for anything. I was traveling 2 hours from home several times a week and spending weekends helping care for a friends father during the last days of his life. I witness... Mon, 25 Apr 2011 21:17:40 EST All About The Numbers Have now lost 42.9 lbs! <BR> <BR> Got the lab results back today from my yearly physical. <BR> <BR> All Labs were perfectly within range norms except Vitamin D which was a tad on the low side-- they are going to put me on a supplement for 3 months just to give me a boost and then monitor. <BR> <BR> Blood Sugars 93 -- yeahhhhh <BR> <BR> So we may pretend it does not matter but it is a lot about the numbers! Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:47:07 EST