GINGERRA1980's SparkPeople Blog GINGERRA1980's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community I no longer feel good I now live on south beach on one of the most infamous cross streets and I'm depressed as hell! I went through a lot this year and I mean so much it's exhausting just to even write it down. But I want out of this fat suit! Clearly not bad enough! I see gorgeous people daily! I tried clothes shopping and that made me feel worse! Nothing is making me smile. Nothing. And I wish I could wave a magic wand and get this going. But I've lost my spark the little bit I had left its gone. I don't know ho... Sun, 18 Dec 2016 18:18:24 EST Training the Mind Sitting here with my back pain trying to think this had to happen for a reason. After about 2 months of no work, boredom and very obvious horrible food intake for at least a month, I realized I’m here to learn about me. Being in solitude has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I never in my life looked inside myself so much as I have now. <BR> <BR> This spiritual journey is a very unique one I will say that. I'm reading more, learning things that I never knew and revisiting th... Wed, 27 Apr 2016 17:59:23 EST I can fit a triangle in a square! Perspective? I laughed reading my blogs from my past. At that very moment in my life I had no clue at all. Not an ounce of perspective. I thought I had a glimpse of it, but nope! I have never been so naive about what I was going through. I will be 36 June 3rd, with that fast approaching I have made a choice to come back to spark because I need support. I need to vent whether or not any one is reading or listening. I need to be around motivation however it comes. <BR> I have now reached a cli... Mon, 18 Apr 2016 18:22:39 EST I let myself go It's been a year since I last blogged a single moment in my life. In one year I lost things that had nothing to do with my weight. I lost friendships due to lack of understanding on their part. Lost self respect. Lost motivation. Lost self love. Lost my vision (goals). Lost my patience. My financial stability. Over worked, extra tired. All the while not seeing I was gaining weight because of all these stresses. Now here is the crazy part of this whole thing. I also gained perspective. I was... Wed, 3 Dec 2014 10:03:21 EST I need to blame myself.... i wont be writing this perfectly because i suppose i am in no mood to be perfect.... i have had some hard lessons in my life and have blamed so many for that pain... but i am seeing now that i can not control people and what they feel inside or how they react to their own pain. i have caused pain to others because i am hurt. what is nuts to me right now is that i always apologize for those hurtful moments i have caused...then i see i am the only one apologizing. how many sorry's are needed fr... Mon, 2 Dec 2013 13:36:54 EST Losing My Way I woke up with many things on my mind many hours of hurt. And this song rang through my heart loud and clear... <BR> <BR> Justin Timberlake: Losing my way <BR> <BR> Chorus: <BR> Can anybody out there hear me? <BR> 'Cause I can't seem to hear myself <BR> Can anybody out there see me? <BR> 'Cause I can't seem to see myself... <BR> There's gotta be a heaven somewhere <BR> Can you save me from this hell? <BR> Can anybody out there feel me? <BR> 'Cause I can't seem to feel myself <BR> <BR> Lo... Fri, 1 Nov 2013 15:08:43 EST Insecurities equals Jealousy I want to talk about jealousy and insecurities. For one to have jealousy is a very ugly monster to carry around daily and I mean all day daily! Then mix that with insecurity forget it it’s a tornado affect inside your soul. Where in the world does this feeling come from! I think I can remember when I first felt weird about myself as a child. I always wished I had a person to tell me different. I always wanted to be blonde and blue eyed. Never could embrace my brown eyes and dark hair. Crazy h... Sat, 26 Oct 2013 14:26:34 EST I am going to let go I have no clue what I feel right now. I know I am tired of feeling how I do. I am tired of clinging on to hope for my relationship. I shrug my shoulders. ‘Cause there is nothing I can do and I don’t want to any more. I am tired of caring about a person that never thinks about me. Who tells me that I should stop caring and sacrificing myself or things for him. I thought that was what a relationship was about? To make each other happy and go above and beyond. I have to stop trying to fit this i... Thu, 24 Oct 2013 01:38:31 EST A Light Bulb Went Off... Several (part 1) I had a light bulb moment a few actually. Now I don't like to talk about my spiritual side because many have taught me don't speak about religion and politics. With that being said I will break a rule today lol! I am not a religious person but I believe in many many things. Those things keep me going at times when I am down. I also try not to feed too much into things cause I don't like to feel as if I want that to be so that I feel good. In other words blind,naive, wishful etc. <BR> <BR> S... Wed, 23 Oct 2013 12:41:41 EST Quick Thoughts Uhmmm yea!!! Just a random thought...I am up at 3:30am only because I was forced to. There is nothing worse than doing something you really don't want to and it isn't even for you or about you at all! then on top of that your back hurts like hell! Oh lets not forget to mention how I dyed someone's hair and really didn't want to! <BR> <BR> Lots of don't wana!!! Happening around here! I rather had been working out! <BR> The one thing that made me smile at all was the thought of my daughter..... Wed, 23 Oct 2013 03:37:57 EST Insert Bad Word HERE So as of yesterday I screwed up my back. It feels like straight blah! I feel lazy as heck because I haven’t done a single amount of fitness, nothing! I know I have to recover but still think I am! I have shifted in my bed in a million and one positions, feels like ants in my pants. So the purpose of this blog is because I am slowly and painfully seeing the truth about the man I am with. Like I have said a million times before I maybe trite but I have to so I can see how stupid I sound... Tue, 22 Oct 2013 00:04:31 EST Self love is hard I am trying to figure myself out. I had no clue I was the biggest jig saw puzzle of my life. I also never understood why I self-bash myself all the time. As a kid I was always picked on and then I learned to make fun of myself to cope. I see now that is not the way to go. Because as you get older it becomes a way of dealing with your own failure like calling yourself fat and lazy! Telling yourself you are more than worth it is a hard thing to do when you tend to rely on others opinions. It i... Sat, 19 Oct 2013 22:37:07 EST I totally ate my feelings right now... I really did just have two different bags of chips and mixed them and just dogged them out! Each time I ate one I was like noooooooo! but I did it any way I should've slept it off..or drank more water....but it had been two days of this dumb craving.... ugh!! <BR> <em>15</em> <em>29</em> <em>198</em> <BR> <BR> I'm mad at myself wth! <BR> <BR> Ginger <em>443</em> Sat, 19 Oct 2013 01:30:34 EST I WILL NOT FEED INTO IT ANYMORE! <BR> For the first time last night I actually held my deep desire to question my boyfriend’s actions. I feel he is doing something wrong. That feeling is either true or I am just that insecure in myself. Yet either way I for the first time truly fought my deep need to “start” something. I thought and prayed to myself in the bed at 1:30am as to what my questioning him would really do? What in the world is it going to get me? Am I really going to get an honest answer? Is he caring enough of my... Fri, 18 Oct 2013 15:26:52 EST So angry right now... I am so angry right now… I can’t explain how it feels. To constantly be mocked by a person that I love, to never be able to ask a single question without an argument. To always feel like I am lonely in my relationship with my boyfriend. I have no idea how to feel. All I know is, I feel like I am shaking and frustrated real bad! All I want is to be friends with my boyfriend to get along… to share my life and laughter… I only cry now out of anger, because I want to express it through violence.... Thu, 17 Oct 2013 20:22:21 EST Abused The phrase “when a woman is fed up there is nothing you can do about it” is about right. I want to talk about relationships and you being on this journey or life style change. What I am about to tell you is a bit rough for some to read and I am also exposing myself as a weak person to others and maybe I may be helping another in a hypocritical type of way since I see I cannot help myself at this moment. <BR> <BR> I think this all boils down to having an abusive (mentally) childhood by my fat... Thu, 10 Oct 2013 10:44:54 EST LIGHTS The sounds reverb off the walls… <BR> bouncing like spears of ice…. <BR> Ricocheting through my heart… <BR> melting what is left of the warmth…. <BR> Flashing lights as they burst into painful stars… <BR> supersonic beats per sound…. <BR> Shouts of a screeching banshee in such turmoil… <BR> at its boiling point…. <BR> Turning inside out as beams of words… <BR> carve small slivers of me… <BR> Without a care all exposed to reveal… <BR> an empty fragmented shell <BR> <BR> Ginger A <BR> <BR> ... Tue, 8 Oct 2013 20:26:09 EST Almost a year later since my last blog.... The need to love myself is greater than I can explain. I am a 33 year old woman that does not see herself as being an adult because I do not have adult things. I do not live with my husband in my own house. I have a boyfriend instead. I do not have nice clothes and a great career, all I have is the ones I can afford for my budget and size, 18/20. I am a hairstylist who is much like a starving artist who ultimately works for herself. I have a very old used car that I had to borrow money to buy... Thu, 3 Oct 2013 15:54:33 EST NO!!! I'm insecure and unhappy.. I am at fault for that. I haven't been doing my best to change that. Why? Because I tend to forget about what I want just to give the person I love what they need first. <BR> <BR> For example I now have a man in my life for some months now. I have been so wrapped up in his world I completely forgot about my own. Now that is not only unhealthy but very stupid on my part. Again why? Because he like many other people, will take and take and not worry about giving bac... Thu, 11 Oct 2012 10:24:43 EST Not as negative as I thought Getting my butt in gear lately has been so annoying that I cant even stand myself! I really feel like a big cluster fudge. I have all these dreams and nightmares daily. Not being able to sleep sucks. Working to just pay bills and not enjoy my life really is getting to me. The next person that asks me what’s wrong and I answer and they give me that “aww it will all be okay” speech again I think I will scream! <BR> <BR> I never cared about bills. I promise you I am far from one of those people... Mon, 13 Aug 2012 10:39:49 EST Hi! I over ate today... Yay!! I really over did it today! I think working next to a Publix supermarket does not help. Though I do try and go there than say the Taco Bell or Pollo Tropical in the same walking distance. Or better yet the Peeking House Chinese restaurant. But never the less Publix is better. I always get a sub the Italian. On wheat. Not bad. I will get a whole and save the other half for work tomorrow. Today was not the case! Not only did I eat that whole effing thing! I ate sweet coleslaw, chips and a half ... Sat, 14 Jul 2012 20:26:19 EST Push reset with my food So starting over in some things has been ridiculous! Lol!! I mean only because I am remembering how hard it truly is to keep this going. Many times I know that what I am eating is not what I would've been eating before when I was hard core. Yea I would nibble here and there but never full blown chow down on junk. It's funny how I am now trying hard again and my body now is craving crap! It's almost like when you have to use the bathroom after a long trip and your find yourself doing that dan... Sun, 8 Jul 2012 08:40:25 EST I haven't Blogged in forever! I haven’t written a blog in a very long time. I haven’t expressed my feelings towards this life style change in months! My life has changed so much I do not recognize myself. So many bumps, cracks, blocks, boulders…in my road, that I lost track of where I was going and what I wanted to do. I started to focus on things that really didn’t matter. That never mattered before when I was focusing on my journey to happiness. I some how made needs appear from no where because I couldn’t do what was o... Thu, 5 Jul 2012 11:57:24 EST New year...Still working on old problems.. I have good news!! & bad...blah...I finally took the classes to get my drivers license!!! The bad news is that I now have no car!! my car broke down weeks ago and I have been trying to fix it and no luck at all! :( So because of this I had no time to go to the gym that I pay for. It makes me nuts! Cause I miss doing the work outs period. I know I can do them at home. But once again I have the worst schedule. AHHHHH!! I just want my life together. I WILL, I CAN GET THIS DONE... I need a hug..... Tue, 3 Jan 2012 18:52:07 EST Here is to us making it, no matter what! So all I have left to reach 200 is 40 pounds and man oh man is this the hardest 40 pounds ever! I know I can do way better than I am doing. I work so much I have decided to start going to the gym at 5:50am. It was doing well till I got sick. Then I had a busy week at the salon & spa I work for, which is inside of a hotel. That week beat me up. Yet I was happy to get work! So then Monday came and I was all about it. Tuesday the same thing. Until the car broke down! So now we are into Thursday ... Thu, 8 Dec 2011 19:51:04 EST Had to change the plan...I NEED MY GYM TIME! So I was trying to walk home from work to get my work outs in, since I hardly get gym time. No bueno! It totally was not working. I was getting home later and later from the bus. By the time I would reach my destination, it was already 9pm or later. Then to walk a 50 minute walk after that <em>40</em> HELL NOOOO! I was doing it don't get me wrong. But I was freaking out and the neighborhood to get to my house is like a very scary movie. I said screw this crap! I am going to wake up early. I... Mon, 7 Nov 2011 15:01:07 EST So this is what I decided to do... I decided to start walking home from work. I did it yesterday and it was a 50 minute walk. Very long and painful since I did not have my good sneakers on. Plus I had a backpack. It was light for a regular walk, but lord knows that was painful. I still pay for my gym so my other plan is if I can get up early enough I can at least do 20-30 minutes. I need to push myself. Though I am still tired a lot. But somethings gotta give. I will not freaking give up! I have never been this determined in ... Wed, 26 Oct 2011 18:08:32 EST How do you keep balanced? I started a new job with traveling time...on the bus and train...sometimes car..and being on the road traveling to work and back so much I have found I am barely keeping up with myself... I am super glad I have not gained fact from walking around so much to and from the train and bus I have lost a few pounds...but I know I could be losing more if I did a better job...BTW I have also lost strength and lost work out time <em>46</em> <BR> <BR> So what do I do! I mean I miss being a... Sat, 15 Oct 2011 20:39:37 EST READ ME...I'm happy! I am super excited! I can not believe how hard one pound was for me. I mean at one point I told XPHEONIX I effing quit! She told be just 2 weeks ago not to give in. I am super happy I didn’t give up! <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I had been under so much stress since the end of July. Too many things were on my mind. My new job. The old job. My ex-boyfriend was back in the picture. Yes, yes I know people. I made a choice because I love h... Sat, 10 Sep 2011 11:56:11 EST I am NOT myself today! I have been wanting to blog for a freaking minute now. Yet I haven’t had the chance since my life has been mentally busy. Yes, mentally busy. You know that feeling when your mind has taken up more time then what you are actually doing? Well to catch everyone up, this past week and some days, it has been to me, crazy! First off I want to exclaim I am super cranky lately. Today especially. Everything and everyone has gotten on my last minuscule nerve! All I want to do is cry or punch a cow! Th... Mon, 22 Aug 2011 10:19:07 EST "If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission" I found this picture the other day. It is my current back round on my page and my motivator. When I found it I was looking for something about the word “greatness”. I thought that word meant so many things and I was not expecting to find what I did. This very awesome stencil with a girl who looks like she is spray painting the walls. With the quote “If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission”. How incredibly true! I never thought I was asking for permission until I read this... Mon, 15 Aug 2011 00:50:23 EST Very Thankful I have never wanted something so badly as I want this. The only other thing was to have my daughter and be the best mother I can be. Wanting to succeed has been something completely new to me in my life. It is a new territory. With doing this I have awakened a competitor that I thought I lost years ago. This want to have better for myself shocks me at times. The fact that I would not and will not settle for less has been blowing my mind. I no longer tell myself I can not do it. I tell myself... Thu, 11 Aug 2011 08:24:50 EST Death to the Mohawk Over Grown Calculator! I sit here starring at the scale. All I can hear is this sinister laugh coming from it as it is saying “Bahahahahaa!…I will stay 247 pounds!”. Yes people, I quote this because it is important that I give you the most accurate information about what this mean over grown calculator, as I had once put it before, said to me today. Now if I could manifest this machine into a some being I think it would look like the Mohawk Gremlin from the Gremlins. If I could punt that thing I so would! It make ... Mon, 8 Aug 2011 22:54:58 EST I have a cress in my butt! So after waking up early because my puppy got his head stuck in a peanut butter plastic jar, which by the way was freaking hilarious! He looked like a space cadet! He is fine though. I noticed a sticking of skin situation. Now this may sound weird as all hell. Maybe even a personal...Lol! But I realized it's my butt! I have a cress in my butt again! I had been feeling that here and there and never really thought about it until this morning that it happened again. So I was like what the deuce ... Tue, 2 Aug 2011 09:20:40 EST I won a trip to Vegas! What a crazy day Saturday! It was a quiet and very slow day at work. I had texted my best friend Frankie to see if he would give me a full body massage after I got out of work. He does this for a living, so that’s a plus! He said sure, but since I got to his house like around 5pm he decided to leave it for Sunday. I was fine with it. We sat around his house talking, gossiping and giving each other advice like we always do. After awhile I left. Not even 5 minutes had passed when he called me b... Sun, 31 Jul 2011 22:30:55 EST My Family, AIDS, and My issues with men. I give too much of me to men. The other night I realized I have been letting in the wrong kind of man only because I am asking for the man in the wrong way. I am asking for just anyone. Yes at times I have been specific. But not detailed. I always say I just want a man to love me and my daughter. Forgetting that anybody can just love. Not everyone is true when they do say I love you. I love you has been such a big important part of my life. It has always stuck out a lot. When I was trying to ... Thu, 28 Jul 2011 13:44:32 EST Hello...My name is Ginger, and I am an Addict. Nice to meet you! Today is my “I feel guilty” day. I have had many of those days during my weight loss extravaganza. Those are the days that you just do not want to do crap! Not lift a finger, not worry about a damn calorie, nor the fact that you have lost or gained an effing thing! My day comes because I have a headache that has been mocking me since 4:00am. Yes, I will repeat that 4:00am. I have suffered from headaches since I was 5 years old. So this isn’t really new to me. It just plain ol’ sucks! Usually ... Wed, 27 Jul 2011 15:13:06 EST Progress Pictures (( YAY!!)) Do you know how many years of shopping I have to catch up to! I truly have no clothes I wear the same crap day in and day out. Being a women that’s the thing we do! We shop and have clothes! I have things in my drawers that are brand new because I am in an awkward stage in my weight.So new clothes are just sitting there. I seem to be wearing my gym wear lately. I wear the same dress pants for work too. Now I will say this I wasn’t even able to wear those pants before I had gotten so big. I c... Tue, 26 Jul 2011 18:39:07 EST What the...?! Is She Talking to Herself?! I had this one on one the other day in my car with God. Now some of you may have different beliefs, which is fine, in fact I love that you do. I embrace all beliefs. I am not a religious person at all. But since I was a kid I just always spoke to God. Who is this God I have the slightest clue. Yet all I know is I talk to him like he is my home boy from down the street. It has always been this way since I could remember. Its weird. I really am just myself when I am venting to him. I say the wo... Sun, 24 Jul 2011 23:32:10 EST Interesting what you find at the gym Have you ever had moment where you go “OMG!” <em>40</em> cause you saw a person you haven’t seen in a long time? Then realize “UGHH I LOOK LIKE CRAP!”. <em>198</em> Well that happened to me today at the gym. I ran into an old crush from when I was in middle school! He is first of a player of course, but oh so sexy! We have had our moments here and there since middle school. I always think of this guy it is so crazy! When I do think of him a lot he pops up! I could not believe I saw his fine... Wed, 20 Jul 2011 18:11:52 EST Sexy Beast MINI Challenge 'POSITIVITY PICTURES So we are suppose to post up pictures for the DONE GIRL Sexy Beast Mini Challenge. So I have collected many through out the year and I use them in my back round for my spark page. They make me laugh, they give me a push, or they are just nice to look at! Here are my pictures I have collected through out the year! <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> What I see here is love no matter what you look like! <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak... Mon, 18 Jul 2011 12:37:43 EST My 3 Day Expedition! I came home from work and my best male friend Frankie decided it was due time we went out to a club. There is a free Thursday nights “gay” club, but anyone can go. It’s really nice we have been there before and those night they have drag night. Usually they battle each other the new drag queens. Really fun! So we went with his younger sister. Getting ready was a mission because we had to make up a story for his partner so that we could go out with him getting jealous. So we said I was meeting... Sun, 17 Jul 2011 14:20:04 EST Out of site out of mind So I have had some people in my life that work on this thought process that is kinda crazy to me. They tend to gravitate towards me. I mean I myself am weird. But it makes me wonder. One particular person sticks out a whole bunch. She had a very not so good life style. Didn’t find out until later how she was. By that time it was like ugh damn! She would cheat on her husband all the time. They have been married for many years. And not to give too much detail I have known them from around town ... Wed, 13 Jul 2011 13:13:24 EST Stupid little me So here’s the thing by joining that whole stress free challenge I am suppose to write daily. Either journal or blog. Today I woke up with something on my mind that has been on my mind since the first time it all started back on January 9th 2010. At this point I wish it never even happened at all with how much pain and straight up suffering I have been through. Honestly it was my fault because I should have been stronger than that, but such is life. This whole blog may be a bit long it may no... Tue, 12 Jul 2011 10:44:59 EST Funny how you don't realize things... Crazy how I don’t notice how much I have lost. You see numbers weekly and not realize it as a whole how different your body has changed. I hardly do pictures, though now I think I should start taking some, and every day I look in the mirror and just want to see the body I have been dreaming about already! Plus side of it all is that I have not hated myself in the mirror in a long time now. And the fat jokes to myself are becoming minimal. It is so damn cool to notice that about me. I do have ... Mon, 11 Jul 2011 17:16:51 EST Sometimes I don't want to blog. Sometimes I don’t want to blog. Sometimes I have nothing to really say. Or maybe it’s that I have too much to talk about I have no words to fill the space. Everything seems to be repetitive in my life. What am I suppose to be learning. I have this understanding that we repeat history because we haven’t learned from it. Really I myself could give a rat’s monkey balls about the things I feel. Honestly! I read some of the things I write and have an out of body experience and think wow this girl ... Sun, 10 Jul 2011 23:58:43 EST SHUT UP!....I CAN HEAR YOU!! I can hear you! That lil monster keeps talking to me. Amazing that my sub-conscience is still being occupied by this. It talks to me telling me so much crap. How I can sleep all day on my days off of work. Or clean things later. Laundry next weekend Ginger! Do you really need to brush your hair, where are you going any way? Some days are harder than others. I listen to him. It’s a him for me since he never seems to listen to what I really want! He can be so convincing and almost loving about... Wed, 6 Jul 2011 23:09:33 EST I don't care what the scale says..I FEEL GOOD! I have been sick for the past of course no working out. Then a week prior I had to study for ever it felt another week of no working out. My body in the last 2 weeks has lost and gained about 4 to 5 pounds...I am at 253lbs thank goodness. Do I want more to be off at this stage of the game ..HELLLOOO MC'FLY! Yes I do! Yet I know that being sick and out of the gym for 2 whole weeks can slow things down. So I am blessed to having the weight I do have. Whats even better is I ... Sun, 12 Jun 2011 14:51:59 EST Positively Overwhelmed I had written a blog prior about how I never finished anything in my life. I have always wanted to complete something. My list wasn't very long. In fact it was things like getting my drivers license fixed (I haven't been able to drive legally since i was 20). Never got my high school diploma only because I failed the math portion of the high school competency test by 8 points. I have been struggling with my weight for the past 12 years, never being able to drop the weight and keeping it off! ... Tue, 31 May 2011 16:51:39 EST Are we ROBOTS now? My whole life I tend to give myself to others more than I ever have received back never once thinking I need anything in return. Where I got this from more than likely from my mother, who has always been giving. She would always let my friends and my brothers friends stay at our house when they were kicked out. Or try and give money to people who needed it. Do favors like fix computers for free, give rides with out asking for gas money, or give advice. Because of these habits I would always d... Fri, 29 Apr 2011 11:50:26 EST