GERIKRAGH's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=GERIKRAGH GERIKRAGH's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ A Midget In Pain http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5744292 A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. <BR> <BR> "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put... Tue, 22 Jul 2014 14:07:02 EST Run! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5742702 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: “What’s happening?” The runner replied breathlessly: “A lion has escaped from the zoo.” “Oh my, which way is it heading?” “Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?” <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Being Grateful For What You Have In The Present <BR> Use your eyes as if tomorrow you would be struck blind: Hear the music of voices, the so... Sun, 20 Jul 2014 12:15:54 EST The Baptist White Lie Cake http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5740064 Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, <BR> <BR> but forgot to do it until the last minute. <BR> <BR> She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclai... Wed, 16 Jul 2014 12:10:56 EST Go To School http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5739231 Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" <BR> <BR> "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." <BR> <BR> "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." <BR> <BR> "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" <BR> <BR> "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." <BR> <BR> "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." <BR> <BR> "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for anothe... Tue, 15 Jul 2014 09:46:08 EST Monkey Business http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5730636 <BR> <BR> This is the funniest video. I want to see the monkey do the same thing in one year! <BR> <BR> <BR> https://www.youtube.com/embed/fPXkUXXFoCw <BR> Wed, 2 Jul 2014 13:58:41 EST Monkey Business http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5730635 <BR> <BR> This is the funniest video. I want to see the monkey do the same thing in one year! <BR> <BR> <BR> https://www.youtube.com/embed/fPXkUXXFoCw <BR> Wed, 2 Jul 2014 13:58:37 EST Juggle Test http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5729857 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop. <BR> <BR> "I juggle them in my act." <BR> <BR> "Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. <BR> <BR> "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now Tue, 1 Jul 2014 12:52:03 EST Do You Remember These? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5729145 <BR> <BR> <BR> A few I wasn't familiar with, but most of these I remember.......another time and place. <BR> <BR> <BR> I know some of you will not understand this message, <BR> but I bet you know someone who might. <BR> I came across this phrase yesterday. <BR> 'FENDER SKIRTS' <BR> <BR> <BR> A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about <BR> 'fender skirts' started me thinking <BR> about other words that quietly disappear from <BR> our language with hardly a notice like '... Mon, 30 Jun 2014 14:31:45 EST The Maid http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5719223 <BR> The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "Now Maria,” she asked. “Why do you want more money?" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." <BR> <BR> "The first is that I iron better than you." <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Wife: "Who said you iron better than m... Mon, 16 Jun 2014 15:29:23 EST Golf http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5712154 <BR> > 3 ladies are <BR> > playing the 4th hole when a naked man wearing a bag over his <BR> > head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The 3 <BR> > ladies look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood. The <BR> > first lady says well he definitely is not my Husband. The <BR> > second lady looks at his manhood and says he for sure is not <BR> > my Husband. The third lady takes a good look and Says. <BR> > " He's not even a member of this <BR> > club." <BR> > Fri, 6 Jun 2014 14:03:42 EST Old Ole http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5711408 <BR> >> Ole was hunting geese <BR> >> up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge <BR> >> against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck <BR> >> would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, <BR> >> it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the <BR> >> groin. <BR> >> <BR> >> <BR> >> Several hours later, lying in a Duluth <BR> >> hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. <BR> >> "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da <BR>... Thu, 5 Jun 2014 15:01:02 EST drinking buddies http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5710795 <BR> Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I. <BR> <BR> <BR> Happiness <BR> Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, if you capture it agai... Wed, 4 Jun 2014 20:53:42 EST Husband and Wife http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5709867 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go... Tue, 3 Jun 2014 15:52:23 EST Little Johnny http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5708755 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there." <BR> <BR> <BR> QUOTE: Success, Emerson <BR> "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciatio... Mon, 2 Jun 2014 09:33:58 EST Boss http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5707504 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!” <BR> <BR> TIP: <BR> <BR> <BR> Make better decisions faster <BR> If you’re straggling to make a tough decision after examining the issue from all an... Sat, 31 May 2014 13:34:46 EST The Wongs http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5706105 <BR> Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. <BR> The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. <BR> <BR> 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents... <BR> 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' <BR> <BR> The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... <BR> <BR> Are you ready for this? <BR> <BR> ... Thu, 29 May 2014 14:09:45 EST Marine Pilot http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5705456 <BR> <BR> The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: <BR> <BR> Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. <BR> <BR> There were all the regular types of stuff. Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" <BR> <BR> "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my mommy. She ... Wed, 28 May 2014 19:11:35 EST Confession http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5700614 <BR> A Man walked into a Washington D.C. Catholic Church Confessional. <BR> <BR> He tells the Priest: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the crap out of my congressman.” <BR> <BR> <BR> The Priest responds: "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service!" <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Thu, 22 May 2014 09:34:39 EST Prayers http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5699859 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? <BR> <BR> Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. <BR> Wed, 21 May 2014 09:35:58 EST Fun Things To Do In An Elevator http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5699248 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" <BR> <BR> 2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" <BR> <BR> 3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. <BR> <BR> 4. Sell Girl Scout cookies. <BR> <BR> 5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. <BR> <BR> 6. Greet everyon... Tue, 20 May 2014 13:16:09 EST Lottery Winner http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5698245 <BR> <BR> <BR> At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> "What would you do if I won the lottery?" <BR> <BR> She replied, "I'd take half and leave you." <BR> <BR> He said, "That's Great !! I won $12 yesterday. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Here’s your $6. Stay in touch." <BR> <BR> Mon, 19 May 2014 09:29:14 EST Men Teaching Women http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5695714 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Men Teaching Classes for Women at <BR> THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED <BR> By April 30, 2014 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL <BR> OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Class 1 <BR> Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat <BR> Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. <BR> Me... Thu, 15 May 2014 13:03:38 EST I Wanted a Car, Not a Bible http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5692001 <BR> <BR> A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealers showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study, told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and how ... Sat, 10 May 2014 13:47:48 EST Under Bill's Bed http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5691412 <BR> <BR> When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise <BR> <BR> never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th <BR> <BR> anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 <BR> <BR> empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that <BR> <BR> she knew what was i... Fri, 9 May 2014 15:53:37 EST Captain http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5687867 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a pie... Mon, 5 May 2014 09:41:57 EST Fire Truck http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5687262 <BR> The Joke of The Day <BR> Kid Jokes :: #20831 <BR> By from USA. <BR> <BR> A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. <BR> <BR> ‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy. <BR> <BR> ‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’ <BR> <BR> Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, t... Sun, 4 May 2014 14:43:41 EST If You Meet or Know a Soldier..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5686590 <BR> > <BR> > These are <BR> > great! Attitude tells a lot about a <BR> > person. <BR> > <BR> > 1.If a hug is needed, don't be <BR> > shy! <BR> > No one appreciates a firm handshake <BR> > more than a soldier. (DFW airport, <BR> > 2013) 2. If they prefer not to shake <BR> > hands. .then a chest bump will <BR> > do. Just make sure you do a duck face afterward <BR> > so they can laugh at <BR> > you. 3. Admire their medals. They were <BR> > hard-earned. 4. Alw... Sat, 3 May 2014 16:23:54 EST Seniors http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5685356 <BR> Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. <BR> <BR> “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing”, I said. <BR> <BR> Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. <BR> <BR> She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. <BR> <BR> I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her... Thu, 1 May 2014 23:26:54 EST Another Blonde Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5680460 Thanks margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> One day a blonde decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse. <BR> <BR> It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the horse started to go faster. <BR> <BR> She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn’t hold on to the horse and her head started hitting the ground. <BR> <BR> She was almost knocked unconscious when the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the machine. <BR> Fri, 25 Apr 2014 19:08:28 EST Anethesia http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5677211 A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” <BR> <BR> Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!... Mon, 21 Apr 2014 15:45:10 EST Gold Watch http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5673835 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe? <BR> <BR> Joe: I won it in a race. <BR> <BR> Bill: How many people participated in it? <BR> <BR> Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!! Wed, 16 Apr 2014 20:05:29 EST Advice From a Retired Husband http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5672685 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it <BR> <BR> <BR> becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping <BR> <BR> <BR> as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell <BR> <BR> <BR> at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an <BR> <BR> <BR> oversensitive woman. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> My name is Jerry. Let me relate how I handled this situa... Tue, 15 Apr 2014 09:52:35 EST True GRoaner http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5669789 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager." <BR> <BR> She walked back... Fri, 11 Apr 2014 11:46:06 EST Fast and Faster http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5667716 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes! <BR> <BR> His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you Tue, 8 Apr 2014 21:34:24 EST Me too! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5666508 <BR> One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay. <BR> <BR> The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000. <BR> <BR> The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The ... Mon, 7 Apr 2014 12:34:24 EST Scientist http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5665055 A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life. <BR> <BR> He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant. <BR> <BR> After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive. <BR> <BR> The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?" <BR> <BR> The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!" <BR> Sat, 5 Apr 2014 13:23:18 EST Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5664293 ------------ <BR> --------- --------- --------- <BR> ---- <BR> Men can read smaller <BR> print than women can; women can hear better. <BR> ------------ <BR> --------- --------- --------- <BR> ---- <BR> <BR> Coca-Cola was originally green. <BR> ------------ <BR> --------- --------- --------- <BR> ---- <BR> It is impossible to lick <BR> your elbow. <BR> ------------ <BR> --------- --------- --------- <BR> ---- <BR> The State with the <BR> highest percentage of people who walk... Fri, 4 Apr 2014 12:10:50 EST City Slicker http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5663445 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either plantin... Thu, 3 Apr 2014 11:56:08 EST Porch http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5661566 <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the <BR> summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing <BR> a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. <BR> <BR> <BR> She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any <BR> odd jobs for her to do. <BR> <BR> <BR> "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will <BR> you charge me?" <BR> <BR> <BR> Delig... Tue, 1 Apr 2014 09:33:46 EST CIA Test http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5660669 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> The CIA had an opening for an assassin. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman. <BR> For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. <BR> 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Inside the ... Mon, 31 Mar 2014 09:35:50 EST Oops, My Bad! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5660036 Thank you margemf! <BR> <BR> "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. <BR> <BR> "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. <BR> <BR> "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." <BR> Sun, 30 Mar 2014 12:59:17 EST Second Notice http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5653907 <BR> <BR> A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. <BR> <BR> "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective." <BR> Sat, 22 Mar 2014 12:37:43 EST Don't Mess With the Elderly http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5653068 A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. <BR> <BR> "Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." <BR> <BR> "You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got.... Fri, 21 Mar 2014 09:34:01 EST Penguins http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5652712 A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." <BR> <BR> The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" <BR> <BR> The... Thu, 20 Mar 2014 21:00:39 EST The Ultimate Ethnic Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5650609 <BR> An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an <BR> Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a ... Tue, 18 Mar 2014 09:34:06 EST St. Patrick's Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5649273 Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender, <BR> "Pour me astiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with <BR> the little woman." <BR> "Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?" <BR> "Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patick replied, "herself came <BR> to me on her hands and knees, she did." <BR> "You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come <BR> out from under that bed, you <BR> gutless weasel! <BR> Sun, 16 Mar 2014 16:43:22 EST Cup Holder http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5646276 Thank you margemf: <BR> : <BR> <BR> Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" <BR> <BR> Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" <BR> <BR> Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. <BR> <BR> How do I go about getting that fixed?" <BR> <BR> Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" <BR> <BR> Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." <BR> <BR> Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. <BR> <BR> D... Wed, 12 Mar 2014 14:46:30 EST Snotty Receptionist http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5645679 <BR> An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. <BR> <BR> In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" <BR> <BR> All the patients in the waiting r... Tue, 11 Mar 2014 21:08:51 EST $5.37 Taco http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5644601 <BR> That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. <BR> I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. <BR> Having already handed the <BR> kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change <BR> when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. <BR> He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." <BR> <BR> I turned to see who he... Mon, 10 Mar 2014 15:19:59 EST Groaner http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5640812 Thank you margemf: <BR> <BR> A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard... Wed, 5 Mar 2014 21:24:52 EST