GABIRUSZCZAK's SparkPeople Blog GABIRUSZCZAK's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community a new tactic in the war on fat... August 18th… I am changing my weight tracker back to 136-pounds – not because I want to fool anyone or delude myself but because honesty hasn’t made a difference so I am trying a new approach – flooding my visual field with the number 136. Although I want to eventually get to 129-pounds this 1st goal is super important to me given that I had reached 136.4-pounds back in February and haven’t seen that weight since ☹. I have it on my home page, a chart on my refrigerator – and now I am puttin... Fri, 18 Aug 2017 11:27:31 EST miracles do happen when you're brave... One of the things I did this weekend is somewhat of a miracle and a huge act-of-bravery on my part – I gave away my bathroom scale – that’s right – I have no way of weighing myself at the present moment. My obsession with those numbers was draining me of all my joy and though I haven’t given up my goals – not in the least – I will wait a while before I buy another scale – in the meantime I am going to get to know my body and its signals again and put more faith in my ability to sense when I ... Sun, 16 Jul 2017 23:40:26 EST how bad do I want it...? July 1st... 2017 -- I am not in a good space right now - still fighting my weight and losing confidence in myself to know what to do. I tried not weighing myself for a few days and discovered I had only gained more weight. I know I am retaining fluid - I know I am not back to my full activity level or my full health... however I can't shake these feelings of failure and without breaking free from this morose attitude I will get nowhere... <BR> <img src=" Sat, 1 Jul 2017 11:42:00 EST HONESTY SUCKS! May 21st... Re-set my weight trackers to more accurately reflect the ups-and-downs of my weight since weighing my lowest back in February. I now have a much more accurate view of this frustrating time. Today I weighed 145-even. I need to show this journey not run from it - hence the additional numbers now on record. I've gained roughly 10-pounds since weighing my lowest, the most stubborn pounds being those that occurred after my surgery on March 22nd. But if I wish to enlist support I ... Sun, 21 May 2017 10:57:30 EST Mother's Day 2017 May 13th… 2017… Ten years ago on this day, the Saturday-before-Mother’s Day, my mama, Hildegard Warner went home to be with her Lord and Savior. I normally don’t speak in such pointedly religious terms but there is no other way to describe Mama’s home-going. All her life was tied together by serving God and her Church. On that Mother’s Day then, in 2007, two things happened – I became an “official” orphan and the matriarch of my family. I haven’t looked at Mother’s Day quite the same sinc... Sun, 14 May 2017 09:55:43 EST HELP! I am so incredibly bummed out and I need support... I have been off my feet since March 22nd due to foot surgery and despite what I think has been a good effort on my part I am now 11-pounds heavier than my lowest weight... I am morose and angry at myself and trying to find some patience in the knowledge that I am so much less active right now. I've even tried to adjust my eating but I think I'm failing at everything... <BR> I just don't know what to do with myself right now.................... Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:45:43 EST You'll Never Believe What I Did... I have been reading Geneen Roth's book "Women, Food and God" (Geneen Roth is one of my "gurus", Marsha Sinetar is the other). I have learned so much about self-love & trust from her books and journey. <BR> But today I did something I don't think I've ever done - we were a local medical facility, keeping one of my best friend's mom company during her treatment... as part of her usual intake process she steps on a scale to weigh-in. It's one of those pressure-sensitive ones built right into t... Tue, 11 Oct 2016 21:32:04 EST IT'S OFFICIAL... I have officially bought my last pack of cigarettes... This is my "quit smoking" kit until I see my doctor again on June 20th... I am scared to death of gaining weight and/or failing at this... However I am committed to this even more! Say a prayer (maybe a lot of them) for me... <img src=""> Fri, 3 Jun 2016 20:32:14 EST Acknowledging Setbacks & Celebrating Victories I re-set my weight track on SparkPeople this morning to reflect my true weight as of this morning – 149#. I am pleased to be back in the 140s after bouncing around in the 50s for the better part of a week. But I realized something upon waking up this morning – if I’m unwilling to acknowledge my setbacks, then how am I to be truly proud of my victories? One almost depends on the other – because had I not had to work as hard as I have over these past few years when it came to my weight (amon... Fri, 3 Jun 2016 11:31:23 EST frustrated and fat... March 11th... My weight has re-calibrated itself stubbornly – whether I eat or don't, exercise or lounge, fiber or mush doesn’t seem to produce any tangible result. Although I know my mental state is exacerbating this I feel puffy and fat and every ounce above 144.4 and that makes me sad and frustrated and antsy. Looking back on last month to see what I might have done different to effect the weight loss I did experience I find absolutely no clue into this increase. But I know the scale is... Fri, 11 Mar 2016 08:03:08 EST The End of One Era... The Beginning of the Next Dearest Friends & Family <BR> <BR> It’s been a little under 36-hours since I left the courtroom after learning the outcome of this long home foreclosure process. In a nutshell I have been given 60-days (November 10th) to vacate this property and find a new place to live. The judge kindly extended the time normally given in such matters by a full month so that I might be able to make my arrangements. The normal duration between the closing of a foreclosure case and the time when the propert... Fri, 11 Sep 2015 21:12:45 EST Jackson Tyler Ruszczak - my grandson <img src=""> Sat, 22 Aug 2015 12:34:21 EST July 1st... 2015 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> July 1st 2015… Today is my 25th Anniversary of moving to Rockford. I approach this milestone with a mixture of deep gratitude, unending joy and deepest sadness. On the 23rd of this month my home will be put up for sale as part of its foreclosure process. This is the home I raised my children in and that has been the locus of thousands of memories. On the other hand it is also showing defi... Wed, 1 Jul 2015 12:35:24 EST the ebb and flow of life... I have reset the weight tracker on SparkPeople because I am ready to live in the real world and not just the one of wish. Life is never as static or as simple as fixed numbers depict & the amount of work needed to make life good should be honored and voiced. I am ready to admit my imperfection as well as cheer my bravery and tenacity. While I am using the last of my reserve money to ransom Steve’s ashes I am ready to have him home and feel it is the right & good thing to do. I rely on my ... Sat, 30 May 2015 12:02:09 EST Another Update to my GoFundMe campaign - 5/8/2015 I slept in until 9am this morning, the latest I've gotten up in a very long time. Got dressed and took Kazé for an extended morning constitutional. I did a lot of thinking during the walk – especially as I passed properties that are being fixed-up. I don’t know what I should do – save the money it would take to fix this place up, knowing I will leave it in a couple of months, or try like crazy to keep this house and them put in some money and sweat equity to fix some of its problems. This... Fri, 8 May 2015 12:44:22 EST TOUCHING BASE 05.02.2015 Today would have been my 34th wedding anniversary. Its days like this that give rise to much introspection on my part – of where my life has taken me and where it’s going now. I’ve just finished my third week of work and I am glad that I have the opportunity to contribute to my own support. I am also more keenly aware than ever of how much more difficult my life is without a car. I took the bus to work yesterday – and while I am rejoicing in that feeling of independence it comes with a pr... Sat, 2 May 2015 12:59:08 EST Desperate Times ... Life Makeover 3.0 Although I have excitedly begun my part-time job I am still falling further behind every day... I am not one to ask for assistance easily, but I finally broke down and created a GoFundMe page...I want to keep my home, get a car and move into the life I think I was supposed to live... <BR> <BR> this is the link ~~ <link> </link> Sat, 18 Apr 2015 21:54:59 EST Checking in April 11th... So many changes in just the past couple-of-weeks: Erich & Haley moved into their new apartment so I am now officially living alone! I registered for my GRE and also for Section-8 housing since my home has gone into foreclosure. I have accepted a part-time job at Office Max and made arrangements to get a new set of dentures. I have an appointment (finally) for Energy Assistance. <BR> And I am eating everything that isn't nailed down - terrible choices - and way too much of every... Sat, 11 Apr 2015 10:32:16 EST FUTURE - Here I Come! <img src=""> Sun, 5 Apr 2015 14:42:34 EST touching base... January 24th... Gosh darn it - If I would just stop putting things into my mouth that I know I shouldn't be eating or drinking re-losing those pesky five pounds wouldn't be so darn hard! But alas, I haven't been able to sustain my obedience for more than one meal at a time. However I have reworked my resume and there is a Regional Job Fair next week in Rockford, so my job prospects are looking up. I know that once I start working I will have less time to ruminate over eating. <BR> If only th... Sat, 24 Jan 2015 16:10:22 EST O DEAR <link><BR>d-resident-overcomes-adversity-to-earn<BR>-her-niu-degree/ </link> Fri, 19 Dec 2014 13:02:28 EST The Fat Beast I am at my lowest weight in decades - 159-1/2 pounds and I feel amazing! I walk my pooch at least once a day and frequently we walk 2-3 times for about an hour at a time. It has really benefited him as well - he has slimmed down and the vet is thrilled with his physical condition. But still I have one quandary - although my calories intake is good I can't seem to eat withing my "fat percentage" allowance to save my life - HELP! <BR> I just don't know how to get this one number down and I... Fri, 10 Oct 2014 10:00:40 EST The sweet successes of summer 2014 I haven't weighed this in decades - I am 167-1/2 pounds on my super-accurate (even when I wish it would cheat) digital scale. I feel better and look better. Walking the dog three times a day has definitely helped, as has the increase in daily activity - turning housework into exercise. <BR> It's been a hectic summer with lots of ups and downs, but this is definitely one of it's highlights! Soon there will be more to blog about here on my Sparkpage, but for now I just wanted to share my joy. ... Sat, 5 Jul 2014 22:53:11 EST for all this I give thanks... THANKSGIVING DAY… Thursday, November 28th… I woke up early this morning, having gotten a good night’s sleep. I immediately began to think about the meaning behind this day – as I do every year, in part, I think, because I am a writer and archivist of the family. Two-thousand-thirteen was a tumultuous year – Angie has been sick and in-and-out of the hospital since early January; Ashley, Stephan and Daisy moved back into my house in early summer and are now waiting to hear if they have a hous... Thu, 28 Nov 2013 23:21:57 EST September 5th 2013... I am back at school and deliriously happy and productive. Better still I am sober, starting to exercise, and making some profound emotional changes with respects to how I view life, eating, and adhering to a "LIFE PLAN" instead of "DIETING" ~~~ <BR> By the end of this month it will have been 1 year since I regularly logged my food intake, or even refused myself unlimited quantities of foods I know are not in my best health interests. Gave myself the toxic permission to drink too much too oft... Thu, 5 Sep 2013 12:19:01 EST the last two years... a short summary This is a copy of the letter I sent to the Admissions Department of NIU... I thought I would share it here because I think it sums up succinctly what the last two years have been like... <BR> <BR> I began the Fall 2011 semester with a 3.893 cumulative GPA. I enrolled for 15 hours of coursework that semester – all of it at the Honors level. Sadly, one-third of the way into this semester, on October 13th, 2011, my beloved husband of 30 years, Erhard Ruszczak, passed away suddenly from a mass... Mon, 19 Aug 2013 15:13:10 EST Checking in - 08.17.13 <img src=""> <BR> August 17th, 2013 -- I keep resetting my weight tracker higher as I struggle to get the momentum required to return to logging my food. Even watching what I eat is becoming difficult. So much on my mind these days -- from going back to school (HURRAH!) to finding a source of employment, to managing my time effectively so I can get work done around the house. <BR> <BR> I haven't lost my sense of purpose yet though. I a... Sat, 17 Aug 2013 13:41:48 EST What I can't do on my own... my return to discipline June 24th 2013 ~~ After months of trying to do this on my own, only checking in to SparkPeople for some sense of accountability I find myself heavier than I have been in almost 5 years. SIGH. I know what to do and I also know what I am NOT doing... but without the benefit of tracking my food, alot of my choices have drifted back to the unhealthy way I used to eat. <BR> Come JULY 1st however, this will change as I recommit myself to living a SparkLife! I ask all of you for your support, p... Mon, 24 Jun 2013 13:05:13 EST 2012 – The Year the World Didn’t End It’s ten-after-three in the afternoon, December 29th, 2012 and I am contemplating the conclusion of another year. So much has happened in just the last few months that it almost seems like the first part of the year didn't happen. All this year there had been talk of the great Mayan Apocalypse of 12.21.12 – a day that actually slipped by almost unnoticed in the end. But so much has changed that maybe in a way my world really did end and I am just now coming to terms with just how different... Sat, 29 Dec 2012 17:37:57 EST CHRISTMAS 2012 It’s snowy and frosty outside… the quintessential White Christmas. Right now the house is quiet, neither man nor dog yet roused from their slumber. I am reflective maybe even melancholy as I gather my thoughts to write this. Last year this house was still reeling from the death of our beloved father and husband, Erhard. This was the day, one year ago, I found out my brother was in the hospital – the beginning of the ordeal that would eventually take him from us. This year they are both ... Sat, 29 Dec 2012 17:37:04 EST AUGUST 22nd 2012 In just a little under a week I will begin school again... the summer has gone by quicker than I had thought possible, but it was full and productive. Now in these last few days I turn my attention once more to my education – I have started to complete my previous semesters' work and by Friday I will have some idea about selling Erhard's car, making this month's bills, and registering for additional classes. Then a week from yesterday it's back to school! <BR> My weight continues to puzzle ... Thu, 23 Aug 2012 16:15:36 EST UP THE DOWN STAIRCASE … July 31st 2012 I have made real progress these last few weeks, checking items off my to-do list with regularity. I was scheduled to see my therapist today however she postponed our session until next Tuesday to take care of other matters. That leaves me to my own devices with regards to drawing up the next set of tasks for my agenda. These last couple of months have been an emotional roller-coaster, especially in the areas of school and finances. Financially, I have come to the end of any and all monies... Tue, 31 Jul 2012 15:48:22 EST PROOF OF LIFE I don't normally share the contents of my therapy sessions, but since little else in my life really feels normal anyway, I have decided to open my thought processes up to a little observation in the hopes of more accurately communicating just what's going on with me these days. I will not belabor the details of sadness but will admit to it still being a large part of my every waking and dreaming minute. Sadness has caused me to retrench back into myself in many ways that I thought I had lon... Wed, 11 Jul 2012 14:42:42 EST Coming To Terms With My C+ Life March 1st, 2012 -- I took a long drive this afternoon... and did a lot of thinking and re-evaluating of my entire present-day situation. Depressed, angry, completely ready to quit everything and just hide in a cave, I knew I needed to get away and make some decisions. Since today is the first day of March, and the first day of meteorological spring, it seemed like an appropriate time to consider my own rebirth into an identity forged by my hand. Coming to terms with being a solo entity and... Thu, 1 Mar 2012 21:17:58 EST 2011 The road not traveled 'til looked behind, <BR> to see the distance covered blind... <BR> the story of a year – two-thousand-eleven <BR> <BR> We begin each new year hoping it will be eventful and full of new experiences. Obviously we also hope those events will be jubilant, celebratory, highlights in our lives... yet we also enter each year with a bit of trepidation and wonder – at what will transpire during the next three-hundred-sixty-five days. How will it change us? Move us? Teach us? ... Mon, 2 Jan 2012 16:31:49 EST DREAMS AND RUMINATIONS... 12.04.11 My body aches from a weekend spent diligently working to clear the dining room table and living room of stuff in order to ready the house for Christmas decorations. Even parts of the basement are neat and organized. I am proud, but tired. Interspersed with this burst of cleaning there has been the usual work of grocery shopping and fixing meals. On the surface the days seem to progress from one to another in relatively stable fashion. But underneath it all there is a reservoir of anguish... Sun, 4 Dec 2011 21:20:41 EST BABY STEPS... It had been a month since Erhard, my beloved husband of thirty years, suddenly passed away after a massive stroke. The past month had been trying... there was all the minutiae and detail required of filing a dozen different forms and writing countless letters. There was the gnawing sorrow that ebbed only occasionally... there were the long nights. <BR> <BR> But last Saturday we finally had his funeral mass... there had been a delay to allow for organ and tissue donation as well as crematio... Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:07:39 EST In the Blink of an Eye… There are few things in life as capricious as life itself. This can make life an adventure or fill it with dread depending on what kind of surprise it bestows. This weekend life handed me both. Yesterday, a gloriously sunny and cool Saturday my oldest son Stephan got married to his beloved. While the wedding was not a surprise by any stretch its jubilance and celebration took me off-guard. <BR> <BR> The reason sadly was that just a little over 48 hours prior to the wedding my beloved hus... Sun, 16 Oct 2011 18:20:33 EST October 1st 2011 9:30am... I have weighed myself on both the mechanical scale in the bathroom and the digital scale from the front room that I brought into the bathroom. They are 14.5 pounds apart. The mechanical scale reads 185 pounds. The digital scale displays 199.5 pounds. I am disheartened by both, but devastated by the second. My body contours most closely approximates the first, but some of my clothes fit like I weighed the second. Either way I am a long way from 172 pounds, and it's time to get ba... Sat, 1 Oct 2011 10:59:21 EST Thursday, September 29, 2011 Here it is the second-to-the-last day of September and I haven't posted a blog in almost 6 weeks. I can tell I have been busy with school. <BR> Had a wonderful 54th birthday on the 9th of September... <BR> I am currently getting all A's in my classes... <BR> October 1st -- I weigh myself officially and change my tracker to reflect reality! <BR> Life is getting busier now that the semester is in full swing, but I still hope to check out the NIU Gym to see about working out in-between my cl... Thu, 29 Sep 2011 00:24:49 EST 1000 DAYS... August 15 2011 -- As of today I have been a member of SparkPeople for ONE THOUSAND days... I have learned so much, battled so long, accomplished more than I could have dreamed and owe my persistence to the support and direction I have found here at this community. I have dieted in one form or another since I was 9 years old, but this is the first time in my life I have made a solid effort towards approaching this as a life choice instead of a temporary trial on my way to a "perfect Mon, 15 Aug 2011 05:12:43 EST NO MORE EXCUSES... 08.10.11 -- Enough stalling already... spent 10 minutes on the stationary bike, biking a little over a mile... it felt wonderful, even though my body complained... time to just DO IT! Wed, 10 Aug 2011 19:14:51 EST July 29th 2011 The last two days have been filled with celebration and lots of food. While yesterday went well at TGIFriday’s®, tonight we ate at the Old Country Buffet and I was hungry. While I don’t think I ate too terribly, calorically it was a bust… But it almost felt good to just relax and eat, not having to count or watch – and as much as I know that diets are not to be postponed until the first of the month or week, the fact that August begins on a Monday is definitely causing the wheels in my head... Fri, 29 Jul 2011 23:37:36 EST Monday, 07.11.2011 It's been months since I started eating below my allotted caloric range. Yet my weight loss is stalled and I am growing impatient and frustrated by its lack of progress. Checking my Sparkpeople Tracker Charts only makes this apparent disconnect more confusing. Although I know there have been days on end where my recording was done from memory and many days I have been blank, I also know that I did not spend every waking minute of those days eating. What am I doing wrong? I just purchased... Mon, 11 Jul 2011 16:41:19 EST Time For Movement... 06.01.2011 -- A new day, a new month...and so many goals. Now that I am done with school for the Summer I can turn my attention to all of the goals I have set for myself regarding the other areas of my life. Spring semester 2011 was a successful one – I ended up with a 4.0 – five A's! <BR> Erich, Erhard, and I are going on Atkins. Erich wants to lose the last ten pounds of body fat he feels is standing in his way of feeling really feeling good about himself; Erhard needs to do something b... Wed, 1 Jun 2011 23:33:22 EST May 9th 2011 It has been just shy of a month since I last took the time to journal here...the last weeks of a school semester are always so hectic and I have been solely focused on completing my work. All I have left to do is complete my 15-page LGBT Honors paper, my 3-5 page LGBT take-home final, take my in-class Psychology of Sexuality final, and attend the last Psychology Lab meeting. Then I will be free to pursue my summer break...I have several important goals and plans ready to be put into practic... Mon, 9 May 2011 15:36:40 EST Another day and so much work ahead of me... My mind is swirling with ideas – fitness and dieting thoughts, schoolwork that has to be done, money woes and solutions... I don't want to backslide and I am terrified that I have started to regain some of the weight I've lost. I have decided that I am going to buy myself a scale with a digital readout at waist-height... no more bending over to see, will probable read for hours today and have a Statistics assignment due tomorrow... need to follow through on my financial goals and plans...espe... Sun, 6 Feb 2011 14:02:23 EST NEW YEAR... NEW ME I know this blog is coming kind of late to the party, after all it's already the 25th of January, but it has taken me a bit longer than usual to gather my thoughts and aspirations for the new year ahead. Last year was so providential – signaling a major shift in both my and many of my closest circle's thoughts about our lives. Yet much of the year was also static, as thoughts gathered with no practicable outlet for their expression. This year will be different, as many of those gleanings a... Tue, 25 Jan 2011 09:42:19 EST Just a Couple of Days... I did absolutely nothing yesterday, in direct opposition to what I had set out to accomplish...SIGH. Today has to be filled with something more...there are only two days left until this year ends and another begins. Two-thousand-eleven will arrive and with it the start of the second decade of the twenty-first century! What a time of recollection then these last few days bring on...of the last year, the last decade. So many things have much to recall! I know that one of my mo... Wed, 29 Dec 2010 14:13:32 EST December 18th The semester is over and I am eating everything in sight... I have eaten out almost every day and the calories are really adding up... <BR> My "lucky jeans" are uncomfortably tight and this really depresses me. I have to add more exercise back into my schedule - I am not really sure why I avoid working out... clearly I enjoy it - the fitness counts from the last two years should be proof enough that when I put my body into motion I love it! <BR> My grades are in - 4 A's, and a B in Calculus... Sat, 18 Dec 2010 11:46:28 EST