FIGHTING4IT's SparkPeople Blog FIGHTING4IT's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Letting Go The other day I was reflecting how far I have come mentally in the last year, but then today creeps up on me and slaps me back into reality. Yes I may have come far, but I am still not even close to where I need to be. <BR> <BR> I am searching for the strength to let go of all that ails me. You would think it would be simple, but it is not. <BR> <BR> I need to let go of... <BR> <BR> ...all the opportunities I have missed. <BR> <BR> ...anything I won't get to do in the future. <BR> <B... Wed, 11 Nov 2015 17:16:40 EST Still Incomplete Here I am alone in my room. Just another Saturday night. Empty house for a couple days. Forced to confront the lonely darkness that has plagued my heart for months, years, maybe my whole life. What causes us to feel so incomplete? You think it is better because it no longer haunts you daily, but there it is. It surprises you with a kick in the throat. Hey, remember me? You thought you lost me? Stop kidding yourself. Would anyone even understand? It doesn't even make any sense to me. Even if t... Sun, 13 Sep 2015 10:46:56 EST Who We Truly Are Why is it that we live our lives so far from who we truly are? <BR> <BR> What you see is not always what you get. What you see is not necessarily who I really am. That doesn't mean I'm being "fake", but that there are "obstacles" which have prevented me from living as true to myself as possible. These obstacles have included, fear, anxiety, depression, low self-worth, just to name a few. I know it's not right to play the blame game, but these problems have a much stronger pull than you, or ... Sun, 6 Sep 2015 11:35:47 EST What do you wanna do with your life? She closes her eyes <BR> Ready for her surprise <BR> Today she turns eighty-five <BR> <BR> She reflects on her life <BR> The memories shine so bright <BR> <BR> Proud mother of three <BR> With countless grandbabies <BR> <BR> Her passport holds all her amazing adventures <BR> And there's always room for one more <BR> <BR> But, none of this would have arrived <BR> Without someone special by her side <BR> <BR> It all began that night <BR> That he first caught her sight <BR> He walked up and ... Thu, 23 Jul 2015 19:41:02 EST Hope and Faith I've been on vacation for the last two weeks from job as a Teaching Assistant. During the beginning of my vacation I could feel myself sinking lower and lower. Possibly the lowest I have felt in a long time. I wrote this one night on my phone. I figured I would use it in a blog later on that week. <BR> <BR> "No zest for life. I accept that this is how my story will end. Prematurely. Halfheartedly. Unfulfilled. no fair. But there's no changing it." <BR> <BR> This represents the mind set I ... Sun, 5 Jul 2015 19:02:24 EST Disappear Behind that smile <BR> she's been lost for a while <BR> <BR> Drifting farther and farther away <BR> from their perceived realities <BR> <BR> For when she stops <BR> she hears the devil's thoughts <BR> <BR> She melts into the dark <BR> where she's buried her splintered heart <BR> <BR> Choke, choke, choke back the pain <BR> hollowness is all that remains <BR> <BR> A glimmer of hope, a speck of light <BR> but she's too weak for this fight <BR> <BR> Running away has trapped her here <BR> wh... Tue, 16 Jun 2015 21:24:23 EST My Weight Over Time So I am feeling very motivated today and am determined to make a change in my life. Early this week I looked at all my previous recorded weights on Spark People so that I could analyze my drastic weight gain. It was both devastating to see how fast I put on weight, but then I was able to see that I am making progress, albeit slow progress. This showed me how i gained 100+ pounds in about 15 months which is insane, but at least I have been continuously losing weight since this past September. ... Thu, 9 Apr 2015 11:43:58 EST Getting Closer Here is my new original poem "Getting Closer" <BR> <BR> Holding on tight, even though it hurts <BR> Wondering what's on the other side <BR> If only I knew, I'd finally open my eyes <BR> But would I even recognize my face <BR> Without all of the scars that lie beneath <BR> Who I am and who I wanna be <BR> They will probably never meet <BR> Taking two steps closer to the edge <BR> As the waves crash against the shore <BR> Whether I'll sink or fly I'm not quite sure <BR> The winds swallowed... Tue, 10 Feb 2015 19:54:55 EST Failing Forward Someone on SparkPeople recommend that I read Failing Forward by John C. Maxwell. The book is really inspiring. I definitely recommend the book if you are someone, like me, who is really hard on yourself when you make mistakes and you are constantly filled with regrets. While I was reading the book on my kindle I was highlighting all the quotes that truly inspired me. Then, I made up a sheet with some of the inspiring quotes to put into my health binder. <BR> <BR> Here are some of the motiv... Mon, 19 Jan 2015 11:39:55 EST Make every moment count! We deserve better! How did this happen? How is it possible that 2015 is upon us? It's that time of year where my regrets start to feel extra heavy. Where did the time go? It has been almost four years since I have been felt like I knew who I was and I was happy (or at least close to being happy). I hate myself for allowing my pain and struggles take a hold of these past few years. Think of all the time I've wasted! <BR> <BR> But, I can no longer look back on the past and overwhelm myself with what-ifs. I can'... Wed, 31 Dec 2014 18:24:19 EST The Real Problem The truth is that the real problem isn't my weight. The real problem is that I don't feel good enough and I probably never will. I wish I could figure out why I feel this way, but I don't think I will ever know. It is because of this that I stuff my face. I eat to numb the pain. I eat because for that brief moment all the troubles just fade away. It is because of this feeling that I find it so hard to picture a real future. It's hard to just get out of bed. Now I am looking for jobs and this... Thu, 23 Oct 2014 18:24:17 EST Setting Fire to the Life That I Know One day I'm up, the next day I'm down, but I am not giving up yet. I am hanging on tight to that glimmer of hope that one day things will get better. In hopes to get myself back on track I made these two motivational collages. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> "My road. My dreams. My life." <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Check out the song "Burning Gold" by Christina Perri. It... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 13:07:35 EST Autumn Breeze Poem Autumn breeze come carry me away <BR> From all the scars that lie beneath <BR> I'm tired of hiding these broken wings <BR> I just wanna find some peace <BR> <BR> Autumn breeze rejuvenate my soul <BR> Before I completely let go <BR> Although I pray that there's more <BR> Sometimes I'm not quite sure <BR> <BR> So autumn breeze, I'll give this one more try <BR> 'Cause I'm not ready for my goodbye <BR> Maybe this will finally be the day <BR> My heart finds it's reason to stay <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Fri, 17 Oct 2014 17:38:47 EST Losing Myself It seems like my struggles are getting worse by the day. I'm losing myself. The only thing scarier than being at your lowest is not caring that you are at your lowest. How can I pick myself up off the floor and change my life? I'm too weak and it hurts too much. There is the physical pain because of the weight, but that's not the worst part. The emotional and spiritual pain, that's what I can't handle. My soul is broken and honestly I don't think it can be repaired. Occasionally I have these ... Mon, 29 Sep 2014 10:55:02 EST If I'm Being Honest A life of pain <BR> I can't let go <BR> It's hurt more than you know <BR> So, if I'm being honest <BR> I've given up <BR> These days are numbered <BR> And that won't stop <BR> My soul aches from the truth <BR> Yesterday, today, and tomorrow <BR> Will be spent without you <BR> But, maybe the next time <BR> I could get this right. <BR> <BR> So, if I'm being honest <BR> I've accepted my fate <BR> I know things will never change <BR> I'll never find my way <BR> But, if I get that second chan... Sat, 27 Sep 2014 12:04:44 EST One Day You Will One day... <BR> <BR> will have a voice <BR> will feel strong <BR> will be healthy <BR> will be adventurous <BR> will see the world <BR> will make mistakes and be okay with it <BR> will love that girl in the mirror <BR> will discover who you were meant to be <BR> will make a difference <BR> will fall in love <BR> will get your heart broken <BR> will get swept off your feet <BR> will take that leap of... Tue, 9 Sep 2014 11:46:56 EST ~SOMEDAY~ Hello stranger in the night <BR> I think of you all the time <BR> The stars made a promise they didn't keep <BR> Maybe it's never meant to be <BR> <BR> But still my heart waits for you <BR> In hopes that dreams do come true <BR> 'Cause I would give it all away <BR> To grow old with you someday. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Wed, 27 Aug 2014 15:05:00 EST I really do WANT it but... I can remember back to the days where I used to care. I used to log onto Spark People every day. I used to have hopes and goals. I used to care. But, those days are becoming more and more rare. I may have been clinically depressed before, but there was still a spark of hope. There was still a desire or motivation to change. Now I don't feel the same pain as I did then, but this might be worse. I've just kind of accepted the way things are. <BR> <BR> The problem isn't that I am failing at ge... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 16:07:38 EST REFOCUS! So my mom is going on a trip to visit my uncles in North Carolina which means I have the next five days off from work so I can babysit my nephews. So, I wanna use this time to kick start my journey again. The problem is that I have lost motivation for my life. It's not that I don't wanna change because I want it more than anything. It's that I feel like I never will. But, it is time to refocus. The reason I need to change my life is not so that I can meet the unrealistic expectations of socie... Fri, 13 Jun 2014 08:11:16 EST WHISPERS ~Whispers~ <BR> <BR> Dream big. <BR> Dreams die. <BR> Run. <BR> Run away and hide. <BR> Too late. <BR> No choice. <BR> Why bother. <BR> You can't. <BR> It's over. <BR> Forget. <BR> The past. <BR> Doubt. <BR> The future. Tue, 10 Jun 2014 19:26:55 EST I AM DIFFERENT I am starting to realize that I AM DIFFERENT! I always thought that being big is what made me different and that is why I always gravitate towards other people who are weird or different. But, now I am starting to think that isn't the case. It is even possible that I am big because I feel different on the INSIDE. Maybe? Who knows? <BR> <BR> The truth is I am different from other people and I am starting to accept that, hell maybe even embrace. I think differently than other people. I see th... Sat, 12 Apr 2014 13:51:00 EST What does this mean? I seem to see bunnies a lot by my home. I come home from work really late and several times I have seen bunnies running across the road, even in the middle of winter. Also, I have seen them in the bushes by where I park. Then, last night I got out of work early and I had pulled over so I could shazam this song I heard on the radio. Just when i pull over a rabbit runs out in front of me. I probably would of hit it if I hadn't pulled over. <BR> <BR> I don't see the rabbits daily, but if I had... Mon, 31 Mar 2014 02:47:28 EST Someone Somewhere Someday I am constantly flooded with these visions of you and me lying breathless beneath the stars. The stars, they were painted just for us. Wrapped in your arms. This is home. It seems so familiar. Yet so far away. Like a dream I hardly remember, but can never quite forget. My hopes begin to disappear. But, your smile pulls me back in. And your eyes melt away my fears. It's getting harder to wait. For that day when our eyes finally meet. And everything stops. We're frozen in time as the world spin... Sun, 9 Mar 2014 13:24:32 EST Twenty-Six ~Twenty-Six~ <BR> <BR> So 26, <BR> ends like this? <BR> <BR> I thought it, <BR> would be so different. <BR> <BR> I've smiled, <BR> and I've cried. <BR> <BR> I've said my goodbyes. <BR> To everyone, but you. <BR> <BR> You held me down <BR> and made me weak. <BR> You taught me how to hate. <BR> <BR> But I think it's time <BR> to let go <BR> of all the pain <BR> I've come to know. <BR> <BR> For this finally ends tonight. <BR> When I blow out the candles <BR> and say goodnight.... Sun, 2 Mar 2014 13:47:42 EST I AM AN OVERCOMER! So I have been on this site for almost three years now and have made no progress. In fact, I have gained weight since I initially joined. But, I am still here and I am still willing to fight. When you are so used to living and thinking one way it is hard to picture your life as anything else. But, we all have the power to change our lives. <BR> <BR> I will be turning 27 in less than a week!!!! 27 is a scary number! Just surviving my 27th year will be a big accomplishment because not everyo... Tue, 25 Feb 2014 14:08:22 EST Gonna be a busy year So I was having hard time with things, but i am doing a lot better now. I'm sure I will have bad days again. I started making a list of some things I want to so this year and that helped me get back on track. Here are some of my goals for the year, some of which are the same as my new years goals and some that are more specific. <BR> <BR> ~THINGS TO DO THIS YEAR~ <BR> <BR> -Go to Boston for my Birthday <BR> -Kathy Griffin Show in April <BR> -We Are the In Crowd - Concert <BR> -Fall Out Bo... Mon, 20 Jan 2014 20:18:32 EST Time to Escape I'm just done with it all. I'm sick of putting effort into people who don't do the same for me. Maybe I'm being selfish. But it would be nice for someone to be there for me once. I put all my effort into other people and get nothing back in return. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. Gonna be stuck in this nightmare forever. I just need to escape. Disappear. Wish I could pack my bags and leave everything behind. I don't see how it can get better. Fri, 17 Jan 2014 00:46:55 EST The Voices Are Back The voices are back. I feel like I am never going to get to live my own life. I'll never get to travel to all the places I want. I'll never get to fall in love or get my heartbroken. I'll never get to say 'I Do". I'll never get to have a family or kids of my own. I feel like my future has been decided for me and I don't even get a say in it. Why don't I get the same opportunities as everyone else? It's not fair. At all. Sometimes the alternative seems better. Sat, 11 Jan 2014 10:00:59 EST Released - New Original Poem ~Released~ <BR> <BR> Acknowledge me <BR> <BR> Caress me <BR> <BR> Save me <BR> <BR> From insanity <BR> <BR> Look deep <BR> <BR> Within my soul <BR> <BR> Although there's scars <BR> <BR> There's still hope <BR> <BR> I won't beg <BR> <BR> I won't plead <BR> <BR> I'm done waiting <BR> <BR> For you to see <BR> <BR> How I've been longing <BR> <BR> To be set free <BR> <BR> But, I believe <BR> <BR> Things can change <BR> <BR> So now's the time <BR> <BR> To destroy the pain <B... Tue, 7 Jan 2014 22:45:50 EST Good Riddance 2013! I am definitely happy to say goodbye to 2013. It has been one of the roughest years of my life. I did not achieve a lot of the goals I set for the year. However, that does not mean the year was a waste ( even though I often feel that way). I am excited to begin 2014! This feels like my year! I may be at my heaviest weight ever, but I am not done. I refuse to give up on myself. So bring it on 2014! <BR> <BR> ~HIGHLIGHTS FROM 2013~ <BR> -Spent my Birthday in Saratoga <BR> -Reunited with Colle... Mon, 30 Dec 2013 19:51:39 EST The Perfect Song One of my favorite bands is Simple Plan. They are a Canadian pop-rock band. I have been listening to them for probably close to ten years. they always have songws that appeal to individuals who feel different or lost. They just released an EP called "Get Your Heart On - The Second Coming". (Read that album name a couple times and see if you catch the innuendo) <BR> <BR> One of the songs on the album is called "Lucky One". I love the song so much and it honestly fits my life almost perfectly... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 00:24:34 EST I've Underestimated Everyone! I've spent so much time living in fear, pain, and uncertainty. I have allowed myself to just get by in life. Convincing myself that the future was hopeless. But, I have made so many mistakes. i have underestimated other people and I have underestimated myself. <BR> <BR> I have spent my days being tormented by thoughts that revolve around my problems and insecurities. I have been fearful of new situations because I expected people to judge me so harshly as a result of my size. The truth is t... Tue, 10 Dec 2013 23:19:51 EST This isn't living I continue to struggle to figure this all out. I used to be motivated and passionate about getting healthy and about life, even though I struggled with countless insecurities and although I never truly made any progress with my weight. When I think back to when my depression was at it's worst, the physical pain and mental anguish I endured, I almost prefer that to where I am now. At least when you are in pain, you know you are still living, still fighting. This isn't living. This is giving in... Tue, 19 Nov 2013 22:01:35 EST Lost at Sea -- New Original Poem ~Lost at Sea~ <BR> <BR> This is a mayday <BR> Can you hear my plea <BR> I'm alone and lost at sea <BR> <BR> I was searching for an escape <BR> But, the storm followed me <BR> <BR> The lightning strikes <BR> The thunder booms <BR> Please send help soon <BR> <BR> I'm afraid that I might disappear <BR> Without a trace that I was ever here <BR> <BR> Desperately trying to hold on tight <BR> As these crashing waves threaten my life <BR> <BR> But, part of me believes <BR> It'd be better to gi... Mon, 11 Nov 2013 14:27:10 EST Your Dream Life Awaits Right now my life is far from where I want it. In fact, I would argue that nothing in my life is right. My financial situation is tragic. My love life is non-existent. I am currently car-less until I either fix my car or get a new one. I hate hate hate my current job. I am unhealthy and doubt that will change any time soon. I am struggling with countless insecurities. And none of this seems like it will ever end. So situations like these cause us to dream about the future. I am constantly pr... Mon, 4 Nov 2013 13:51:33 EST The Stress of What If THE BACK-STORY <BR> <BR> In 2009, my brother passed away unexpectedly. My brother and his two kids had been living with my mom and I since 2005, most of the time I was away at school. Before that a lot of my spare time had been spent babysitting and stuff like that ever since my first nephew was born on in 2002, when I was 15 years old. A year after my brother's death my mom got custody of both kids. The oldest has many demanding health problems such as epilepsy and a mild form of autism. ... Fri, 25 Oct 2013 09:30:50 EST Faded - New Original Poem <img src=""> <BR> <BR> ~FADED~ <BR> <BR> I don't know what you see in me <BR> But it's not reality <BR> <BR> If only life were a fantasy <BR> Imagine how happy we could be <BR> <BR> But there are demons in my head <BR> They keep me stranded in this bed <BR> <BR> Busy dreaming of what could've been <BR> It might be too late for me my friend <BR> <BR> What do you want me to do <BR> 'Cause I'm not as strong as you <BR> <BR> And damn... Thu, 26 Sep 2013 11:05:59 EST It's in the Stars -- New Poem! ~It's in the Stars~ <BR> <BR> If only the rain could <BR> wash away the tears <BR> <BR> The clouds could carry me <BR> far away from here <BR> <BR> So the sun could <BR> melt away my fears <BR> <BR> Then, the wind would <BR> guide my spirit home <BR> <BR> As the flowers remind me <BR> that I'm not alone <BR> <BR> The falling leaves would <BR> show me how to dance <BR> <BR> The trees would give me <BR> the courage to take a chance <BR> <BR> And each flake of snow <BR> would beg ... Mon, 16 Sep 2013 22:41:17 EST The Attack --New Poem So this is a new poem I started the other day at work. The idea came about because i was thinking about the different things I would say if I were to talk to someone about my issues. I hope you enjoy! <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> ~The Attack~ <BR> <BR> Listen to the story I'm about to tell <BR> I can't remember the last time I was well <BR> <BR> I've got a lot to say <BR> and it definitely won't be easy <BR> <BR> I've den... Sun, 18 Aug 2013 14:28:17 EST Day #1 (Retry #785) Welcome to day #1, or in all actuality more like day #785, of my journey to get healthy. There have so many things holding me back from getting healthy. Fear. Depression. Laziness. Insecurity. Comfort. But I am finally done with living this way and I am determined to do something about it. So, today I created a health journal and binder. I am hoping that this will help me stay on track. <BR> <BR> In my binder I created a rewards list for when I reach certain weight loss goals. <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 12 Aug 2013 19:03:35 EST That'll Never Be Me ~That'll Never Be Me~ <BR> <BR> I sit here as my life goes by <BR> Forced to watch how everyone else got it right <BR> I wish I was lucky enough to have it that easy <BR> To be happy is all I would need <BR> But that'll never be me <BR> <BR> That girl is so damn pretty <BR> She doesn't fight the mirror every day <BR> Everything always goes her way <BR> She has the life that I dream <BR> But I know that'll never be me <BR> <BR> She's found the love of her life <BR> and she just became his ... Sun, 11 Aug 2013 14:14:54 EST Addiction & Pain The following is an excerpt from the book, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. <BR> <BR> "Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to.- alcohol, legal or illegal food, drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intim... Mon, 5 Aug 2013 08:52:27 EST Broken Mirror - New Poem ~Broken Mirror~ <BR> <BR> Your words they tear at my skin <BR> Yet I continue to let you in <BR> <BR> Then you grab me by the throat <BR> You hold me down and won't let go <BR> <BR> Now I'm just stuck here <BR> looking into this broken mirror <BR> <BR> I scream, as you drag me across the floor <BR> I've lost the girl I was before <BR> <BR> My voice, it shakes <BR> There's nothing left for you to take <BR> <BR> Oh, why do I still fear <BR> this ridiculous broken mirror <BR> <BR> I wi... Sat, 29 Jun 2013 11:49:10 EST Maybe This Is It New Original Poem! <BR> <BR> ~Maybe This Is It~ <BR> <BR> Her lips. <BR> They lie. <BR> They say that she's fine. <BR> <BR> Her eyes. <BR> They hide. <BR> The secrets inside. <BR> <BR> Her heart. <BR> It cries. <BR> <BR> Maybe. This. Is. Goodbye. <BR> <BR> She thinks no one sees <BR> how badly she bleeds. <BR> <BR> She feels lost and weak <BR> but she's stronger than she thinks. <BR> <BR> She's searching for the sign <BR> that she can make it through <BR> to the other side. <BR>... Thu, 6 Jun 2013 01:23:45 EST 40 Reasons to lose Weight and Get Healthy I did a blog similar to this two years ago with 20 reasons to get healthy. This list has more reasons and pictures to go with. Inspired by RISINGBLUESTAR's blog. <BR> <BR> ~40 Reasons to Lose Weight and Get Healthy~ <BR> <BR> 1. So I have more energy <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> 2. So I can easily tie my shoes <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> 3.So I can go sleeveless <BR> <img src="... Mon, 27 May 2013 22:19:48 EST The Real Reason I Can't Lose Weight So it has taken me a while, but I think I have finally stumbled upon the real reason or at least one of the primary reasons why I am unable to lose weight. I realize now that if I lose the weight then I lose this "shield" that I use to distance myself from people. That's the real reason. I have used my weight as a way of distancing myself from others and from pain. So if I were to lose the weight that would mean I would lose this protection I have put around myself. That would make me vulnera... Sun, 26 May 2013 10:05:55 EST I Finally Survived Day 1 I have been on this site for a couple years now and I have done more bad than good when it comes to my health and weight loss.This might not seem that amazing, but it is for me. Getting started is the hardest part for me, but I finally did it. I finally survived Day 1 of this journey. Making it through this first day just shows me that i can do this. That I am strong enough. <BR> <BR> What I Did Well <BR> -Woke up Early <BR> -Took a Walk - 1 Mile <BR> -Tracked all My food for the Day <BR> -... Thu, 23 May 2013 01:01:27 EST New Before Pics Here are some new before pictures that I took today. I barely even recognize myself in the photos. I never wanna see myself like this again. now i need to use this to motivate myself to really change! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=" Mon, 20 May 2013 15:40:11 EST Silly Happy Endings - A New Poem ~Silly Happy Endings~ <BR> <BR> So tell me, <BR> How do I fix this life? <BR> How do I make things right? <BR> <BR> 'Cause I don't know where to start <BR> now that everything's fallen apart. <BR> <BR> This isn't the life I planned <BR> and I've forgotten who I am. <BR> <BR> I'm just trying to find my way <BR> through these dark and lonely days. <BR> <BR> But, it's getting hard to believe <BR> In those silly happy endings. Sat, 18 May 2013 08:59:30 EST A Way Out ~ New Short Poem So this is a short poem. I wanted it to be a little longer, but nothing felt as right as these lines did. I might add more later if I find lines that work with the poem. Please do not take the poem too literal. I think anyone who has struggled with something whether it be weight loss, depression, or a bad relationship can relate to this poem. It's about giving up on something you are struggling with. Enjoy! <BR> <BR> ~A Way Out~ <BR> <BR> I finally see my way out <BR> but it's not the way t... Fri, 17 May 2013 13:00:46 EST