FIGHTING4IT's SparkPeople Blog FIGHTING4IT's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Glowing = Poetic Thoughts? I wanna make this declaration before I lose the light. There is something burning deep within my soul. I am certain that I have a purpose. I have yet to figure it out. Although I am determined to see it through. It has been there for longer than I can remember. I've always sensed I was different than the rest. <BR> <BR> So here I ponder. 1 AM. Unable to shake this. Eager to write it down before it dissipates. I am certain that the darkness will again creep up and choke me from within. Just k... Wed, 2 Aug 2017 17:30:29 EST Insignificant (poem) You see a shell <BR> you don't see me <BR> for I am hidden far beneath <BR> <BR> I'd tell you what was wrong <BR> but the words escape me <BR> and I can't even explain <BR> why I feel this angry <BR> <BR> I've built a wall <BR> I've locked the gate <BR> my fears will soon <BR> become my fate <BR> <BR> And if I would simply disappear <BR> they would all still carry on <BR> as if I were never even here. Sun, 21 May 2017 15:47:15 EST Collide (Poem) Come take a listen <BR> to the thoughts in my head <BR> then you'd finally understand <BR> why I struggled to get out of bed <BR> <BR> Trapped in a hole so dark <BR> expecting to never again see the light <BR> destined to remain forever lonely <BR> <BR> Thinking back on those darkest days <BR> I thought I'd never make it through <BR> but now everything feels ok <BR> when I'm lying next to you <BR> <BR> Nights spent dreaming under the starlit sky <BR> wondering if you were out there too <BR... Sun, 21 May 2017 15:43:00 EST Fallen --- New Poem(ish) Just a girl. Masked by laughter. Slowly crumbling in the shadows. Destined to remain forever lonely. But look out. Here it comes. So unexpected. Soaring high. To the moon and back. Best feeling ever. Terrified of the crash. Run away. Just like before. Run away and hide. No. Not this time. And never again. Stop doubting. Simply embrace. Take a chance. Jump. Fall. Fall hard. It's worth the risk. I am finally complete. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=" Sat, 10 Dec 2016 12:33:19 EST Unexpected Souls I have been away a while. A lot of new and exciting changes in my life, but still a lot of personal growth I need to make. Hoping to start spending some more time sparking. Meanwhile, here is my latest poem. <BR> <BR> ~Unexpected Souls~ <BR> <BR> Two souls drifting aimlessly amongst the stars <BR> convinced they're content with where they are <BR> <BR> day and night <BR> spent at war with themselves <BR> oh, what an endless fight <BR> <BR> but just as they're ready to accept <BR> that th... Wed, 3 Aug 2016 12:13:34 EST Close to the Bottom I have been away from Spark for so long. In March/April my anxiety became the worst it has ever been and I suffered the worst panic attack I have ever experienced where I just curled in a ball on my bed and cried for 30 minutes. I thought it would never end. This was unlike anything I have experienced, but since then my anxiety has been better and there are a lot of great changes in my life. I am in my first serious relationship. This is both exhilarating and terrifying. I am not used to allo... Sun, 5 Jun 2016 18:27:54 EST Not Sure Where I Will Land <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Your head is quiet, your heart is light. Is that what happiness feels like? <BR> <BR> Why are we so afraid to be happy? Instead we choose to hide, push people away. Too afraid to take a chance or be vulnerable. Is it easier to embrace the pain? At least it's familiar and you have survived it so far. I think the crash from the high might be too much to bare. Maybe this fear is what holds u... Thu, 25 Feb 2016 22:23:00 EST A Moment with Bliss -A Moment with Bliss- <BR> <BR> I'm just a wandering soul <BR> looking desperately for something to grab a hold of <BR> I wanna dance amongst the flowers <BR> while the sun graces my skin <BR> that unexplainable feeling of peace and inquisition <BR> the loneliness fades as the hope inches its way in <BR> come, carry me away <BR> I'm ready to be free <BR> finally seeing myself for the first time <BR> I can feel the magic <BR> It's all around us <BR> as it always was and always will be <BR> I... Mon, 22 Feb 2016 17:09:22 EST Consumed (poem) Your words are kind <BR> your hands are strong <BR> but, they can't save someone <BR> who is so far gone <BR> <BR> The damage, it was far too deep <BR> and they looked away <BR> as it slowly consumed me <BR> <BR> So I'll embrace the stars <BR> for one more time <BR> how I longed to reach you <BR> but never made you mine Thu, 21 Jan 2016 20:52:46 EST My Diagnosis I am constantly making bad choices which I never learn from and I often instantly regret them. This is led me to my self-diagnosis. I have what I call "wrongchoicitis". Wrong-choic-itis is a molecular degeneration of the cerebral cortex which impairs one's ability to make sound decisions. (sounds legit doesn't it) I just made it up and tried to sound professional, but there really should be a disease for this because I can't stop it. It seems like I am always making the wrong choice. I usuall... Mon, 18 Jan 2016 08:45:11 EST The Heavy Truth I find it frustrating to listen to people complain about certain things because it makes me feel even worse about myself and I just want to scream "you have no idea". I know that it is not fair to compare pain, but this still makes me angry. This made me reflect on how no one around me really needs what I have gone through. This is the heavy truth. Even the couple people I have shared the most with really have no idea! No one will ever know the horrible things I say to myself inside my head. ... Sat, 16 Jan 2016 14:02:16 EST Let Go of Me Heart racing. <BR> Hands shaking, <BR> High expectations. <BR> Overthinking, <BR> So much noise. <BR> Can't breathe. <BR> Anxiety. <BR> Let go of me. Tue, 5 Jan 2016 20:57:36 EST Why do we struggle? Why do we struggle? <BR> Why do we hurt? <BR> Why do I still have no answers? <BR> Is it possible that this is just the way it is? <BR> Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? <BR> Is there a reason for this? <BR> If so, what is it? <BR> Why do we hold onto the darkness? <BR> Why do we push away the light? <BR> Why do we struggle? <BR> Could you just send me a sign? <BR> Does it really get better? <BR> Do I get my forever? <BR> Someone to gaze at the stars with. <BR> And we'll jus... Sun, 6 Dec 2015 09:53:22 EST Letting Go The other day I was reflecting how far I have come mentally in the last year, but then today creeps up on me and slaps me back into reality. Yes I may have come far, but I am still not even close to where I need to be. <BR> <BR> I am searching for the strength to let go of all that ails me. You would think it would be simple, but it is not. <BR> <BR> I need to let go of... <BR> <BR> ...all the opportunities I have missed. <BR> <BR> ...anything I won't get to do in the future. <BR> <B... Wed, 11 Nov 2015 17:16:40 EST Still Incomplete Here I am alone in my room. Just another Saturday night. Empty house for a couple days. Forced to confront the lonely darkness that has plagued my heart for months, years, maybe my whole life. What causes us to feel so incomplete? You think it is better because it no longer haunts you daily, but there it is. It surprises you with a kick in the throat. Hey, remember me? You thought you lost me? Stop kidding yourself. Would anyone even understand? It doesn't even make any sense to me. Even if t... Sun, 13 Sep 2015 10:46:56 EST Who We Truly Are Why is it that we live our lives so far from who we truly are? <BR> <BR> What you see is not always what you get. What you see is not necessarily who I really am. That doesn't mean I'm being "fake", but that there are "obstacles" which have prevented me from living as true to myself as possible. These obstacles have included, fear, anxiety, depression, low self-worth, just to name a few. I know it's not right to play the blame game, but these problems have a much stronger pull than you, or ... Sun, 6 Sep 2015 11:35:47 EST What do you wanna do with your life? She closes her eyes <BR> Ready for her surprise <BR> Today she turns eighty-five <BR> <BR> She reflects on her life <BR> The memories shine so bright <BR> <BR> Proud mother of three <BR> With countless grandbabies <BR> <BR> Her passport holds all her amazing adventures <BR> And there's always room for one more <BR> <BR> But, none of this would have arrived <BR> Without someone special by her side <BR> <BR> It all began that night <BR> That he first caught her sight <BR> He walked up and ... Thu, 23 Jul 2015 19:41:02 EST Hope and Faith I've been on vacation for the last two weeks from job as a Teaching Assistant. During the beginning of my vacation I could feel myself sinking lower and lower. Possibly the lowest I have felt in a long time. I wrote this one night on my phone. I figured I would use it in a blog later on that week. <BR> <BR> "No zest for life. I accept that this is how my story will end. Prematurely. Halfheartedly. Unfulfilled. no fair. But there's no changing it." <BR> <BR> This represents the mind set I ... Sun, 5 Jul 2015 19:02:24 EST Disappear Behind that smile <BR> she's been lost for a while <BR> <BR> Drifting farther and farther away <BR> from their perceived realities <BR> <BR> For when she stops <BR> she hears the devil's thoughts <BR> <BR> She melts into the dark <BR> where she's buried her splintered heart <BR> <BR> Choke, choke, choke back the pain <BR> hollowness is all that remains <BR> <BR> A glimmer of hope, a speck of light <BR> but she's too weak for this fight <BR> <BR> Running away has trapped her here <BR> wh... Tue, 16 Jun 2015 21:24:23 EST My Weight Over Time So I am feeling very motivated today and am determined to make a change in my life. Early this week I looked at all my previous recorded weights on Spark People so that I could analyze my drastic weight gain. It was both devastating to see how fast I put on weight, but then I was able to see that I am making progress, albeit slow progress. This showed me how i gained 100+ pounds in about 15 months which is insane, but at least I have been continuously losing weight since this past September. ... Thu, 9 Apr 2015 11:43:58 EST Getting Closer Here is my new original poem "Getting Closer" <BR> <BR> Holding on tight, even though it hurts <BR> Wondering what's on the other side <BR> If only I knew, I'd finally open my eyes <BR> But would I even recognize my face <BR> Without all of the scars that lie beneath <BR> Who I am and who I wanna be <BR> They will probably never meet <BR> Taking two steps closer to the edge <BR> As the waves crash against the shore <BR> Whether I'll sink or fly I'm not quite sure <BR> The winds swallowed... Tue, 10 Feb 2015 19:54:55 EST Failing Forward Someone on SparkPeople recommend that I read Failing Forward by John C. Maxwell. The book is really inspiring. I definitely recommend the book if you are someone, like me, who is really hard on yourself when you make mistakes and you are constantly filled with regrets. While I was reading the book on my kindle I was highlighting all the quotes that truly inspired me. Then, I made up a sheet with some of the inspiring quotes to put into my health binder. <BR> <BR> Here are some of the motiv... Mon, 19 Jan 2015 11:39:55 EST Make every moment count! We deserve better! How did this happen? How is it possible that 2015 is upon us? It's that time of year where my regrets start to feel extra heavy. Where did the time go? It has been almost four years since I have been felt like I knew who I was and I was happy (or at least close to being happy). I hate myself for allowing my pain and struggles take a hold of these past few years. Think of all the time I've wasted! <BR> <BR> But, I can no longer look back on the past and overwhelm myself with what-ifs. I can'... Wed, 31 Dec 2014 18:24:19 EST The Real Problem The truth is that the real problem isn't my weight. The real problem is that I don't feel good enough and I probably never will. I wish I could figure out why I feel this way, but I don't think I will ever know. It is because of this that I stuff my face. I eat to numb the pain. I eat because for that brief moment all the troubles just fade away. It is because of this feeling that I find it so hard to picture a real future. It's hard to just get out of bed. Now I am looking for jobs and this... Thu, 23 Oct 2014 18:24:17 EST Setting Fire to the Life That I Know One day I'm up, the next day I'm down, but I am not giving up yet. I am hanging on tight to that glimmer of hope that one day things will get better. In hopes to get myself back on track I made these two motivational collages. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> "My road. My dreams. My life." <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Check out the song "Burning Gold" by Christina Perri. It... Mon, 20 Oct 2014 13:07:35 EST Autumn Breeze Poem Autumn breeze come carry me away <BR> From all the scars that lie beneath <BR> I'm tired of hiding these broken wings <BR> I just wanna find some peace <BR> <BR> Autumn breeze rejuvenate my soul <BR> Before I completely let go <BR> Although I pray that there's more <BR> Sometimes I'm not quite sure <BR> <BR> So autumn breeze, I'll give this one more try <BR> 'Cause I'm not ready for my goodbye <BR> Maybe this will finally be the day <BR> My heart finds it's reason to stay <BR> <BR> <BR> ... Fri, 17 Oct 2014 17:38:47 EST Losing Myself It seems like my struggles are getting worse by the day. I'm losing myself. The only thing scarier than being at your lowest is not caring that you are at your lowest. How can I pick myself up off the floor and change my life? I'm too weak and it hurts too much. There is the physical pain because of the weight, but that's not the worst part. The emotional and spiritual pain, that's what I can't handle. My soul is broken and honestly I don't think it can be repaired. Occasionally I have these ... Mon, 29 Sep 2014 10:55:02 EST If I'm Being Honest A life of pain <BR> I can't let go <BR> It's hurt more than you know <BR> So, if I'm being honest <BR> I've given up <BR> These days are numbered <BR> And that won't stop <BR> My soul aches from the truth <BR> Yesterday, today, and tomorrow <BR> Will be spent without you <BR> But, maybe the next time <BR> I could get this right. <BR> <BR> So, if I'm being honest <BR> I've accepted my fate <BR> I know things will never change <BR> I'll never find my way <BR> But, if I get that second chan... Sat, 27 Sep 2014 12:04:44 EST One Day You Will One day... <BR> <BR> will have a voice <BR> will feel strong <BR> will be healthy <BR> will be adventurous <BR> will see the world <BR> will make mistakes and be okay with it <BR> will love that girl in the mirror <BR> will discover who you were meant to be <BR> will make a difference <BR> will fall in love <BR> will get your heart broken <BR> will get swept off your feet <BR> will take that leap of... Tue, 9 Sep 2014 11:46:56 EST ~SOMEDAY~ Hello stranger in the night <BR> I think of you all the time <BR> The stars made a promise they didn't keep <BR> Maybe it's never meant to be <BR> <BR> But still my heart waits for you <BR> In hopes that dreams do come true <BR> 'Cause I would give it all away <BR> To grow old with you someday. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Wed, 27 Aug 2014 15:05:00 EST I really do WANT it but... I can remember back to the days where I used to care. I used to log onto Spark People every day. I used to have hopes and goals. I used to care. But, those days are becoming more and more rare. I may have been clinically depressed before, but there was still a spark of hope. There was still a desire or motivation to change. Now I don't feel the same pain as I did then, but this might be worse. I've just kind of accepted the way things are. <BR> <BR> The problem isn't that I am failing at ge... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 16:07:38 EST REFOCUS! So my mom is going on a trip to visit my uncles in North Carolina which means I have the next five days off from work so I can babysit my nephews. So, I wanna use this time to kick start my journey again. The problem is that I have lost motivation for my life. It's not that I don't wanna change because I want it more than anything. It's that I feel like I never will. But, it is time to refocus. The reason I need to change my life is not so that I can meet the unrealistic expectations of socie... Fri, 13 Jun 2014 08:11:16 EST WHISPERS ~Whispers~ <BR> <BR> Dream big. <BR> Dreams die. <BR> Run. <BR> Run away and hide. <BR> Too late. <BR> No choice. <BR> Why bother. <BR> You can't. <BR> It's over. <BR> Forget. <BR> The past. <BR> Doubt. <BR> The future. Tue, 10 Jun 2014 19:26:55 EST I AM DIFFERENT I am starting to realize that I AM DIFFERENT! I always thought that being big is what made me different and that is why I always gravitate towards other people who are weird or different. But, now I am starting to think that isn't the case. It is even possible that I am big because I feel different on the INSIDE. Maybe? Who knows? <BR> <BR> The truth is I am different from other people and I am starting to accept that, hell maybe even embrace. I think differently than other people. I see th... Sat, 12 Apr 2014 13:51:00 EST What does this mean? I seem to see bunnies a lot by my home. I come home from work really late and several times I have seen bunnies running across the road, even in the middle of winter. Also, I have seen them in the bushes by where I park. Then, last night I got out of work early and I had pulled over so I could shazam this song I heard on the radio. Just when i pull over a rabbit runs out in front of me. I probably would of hit it if I hadn't pulled over. <BR> <BR> I don't see the rabbits daily, but if I had... Mon, 31 Mar 2014 02:47:28 EST Someone Somewhere Someday I am constantly flooded with these visions of you and me lying breathless beneath the stars. The stars, they were painted just for us. Wrapped in your arms. This is home. It seems so familiar. Yet so far away. Like a dream I hardly remember, but can never quite forget. My hopes begin to disappear. But, your smile pulls me back in. And your eyes melt away my fears. It's getting harder to wait. For that day when our eyes finally meet. And everything stops. We're frozen in time as the world spin... Sun, 9 Mar 2014 13:24:32 EST Twenty-Six ~Twenty-Six~ <BR> <BR> So 26, <BR> ends like this? <BR> <BR> I thought it, <BR> would be so different. <BR> <BR> I've smiled, <BR> and I've cried. <BR> <BR> I've said my goodbyes. <BR> To everyone, but you. <BR> <BR> You held me down <BR> and made me weak. <BR> You taught me how to hate. <BR> <BR> But I think it's time <BR> to let go <BR> of all the pain <BR> I've come to know. <BR> <BR> For this finally ends tonight. <BR> When I blow out the candles <BR> and say goodnight.... Sun, 2 Mar 2014 13:47:42 EST I AM AN OVERCOMER! So I have been on this site for almost three years now and have made no progress. In fact, I have gained weight since I initially joined. But, I am still here and I am still willing to fight. When you are so used to living and thinking one way it is hard to picture your life as anything else. But, we all have the power to change our lives. <BR> <BR> I will be turning 27 in less than a week!!!! 27 is a scary number! Just surviving my 27th year will be a big accomplishment because not everyo... Tue, 25 Feb 2014 14:08:22 EST Gonna be a busy year So I was having hard time with things, but i am doing a lot better now. I'm sure I will have bad days again. I started making a list of some things I want to so this year and that helped me get back on track. Here are some of my goals for the year, some of which are the same as my new years goals and some that are more specific. <BR> <BR> ~THINGS TO DO THIS YEAR~ <BR> <BR> -Go to Boston for my Birthday <BR> -Kathy Griffin Show in April <BR> -We Are the In Crowd - Concert <BR> -Fall Out Bo... Mon, 20 Jan 2014 20:18:32 EST Time to Escape I'm just done with it all. I'm sick of putting effort into people who don't do the same for me. Maybe I'm being selfish. But it would be nice for someone to be there for me once. I put all my effort into other people and get nothing back in return. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. Gonna be stuck in this nightmare forever. I just need to escape. Disappear. Wish I could pack my bags and leave everything behind. I don't see how it can get better. Fri, 17 Jan 2014 00:46:55 EST The Voices Are Back The voices are back. I feel like I am never going to get to live my own life. I'll never get to travel to all the places I want. I'll never get to fall in love or get my heartbroken. I'll never get to say 'I Do". I'll never get to have a family or kids of my own. I feel like my future has been decided for me and I don't even get a say in it. Why don't I get the same opportunities as everyone else? It's not fair. At all. Sometimes the alternative seems better. Sat, 11 Jan 2014 10:00:59 EST Released - New Original Poem ~Released~ <BR> <BR> Acknowledge me <BR> <BR> Caress me <BR> <BR> Save me <BR> <BR> From insanity <BR> <BR> Look deep <BR> <BR> Within my soul <BR> <BR> Although there's scars <BR> <BR> There's still hope <BR> <BR> I won't beg <BR> <BR> I won't plead <BR> <BR> I'm done waiting <BR> <BR> For you to see <BR> <BR> How I've been longing <BR> <BR> To be set free <BR> <BR> But, I believe <BR> <BR> Things can change <BR> <BR> So now's the time <BR> <BR> To destroy the pain <B... Tue, 7 Jan 2014 22:45:50 EST Good Riddance 2013! I am definitely happy to say goodbye to 2013. It has been one of the roughest years of my life. I did not achieve a lot of the goals I set for the year. However, that does not mean the year was a waste ( even though I often feel that way). I am excited to begin 2014! This feels like my year! I may be at my heaviest weight ever, but I am not done. I refuse to give up on myself. So bring it on 2014! <BR> <BR> ~HIGHLIGHTS FROM 2013~ <BR> -Spent my Birthday in Saratoga <BR> -Reunited with Colle... Mon, 30 Dec 2013 19:51:39 EST The Perfect Song One of my favorite bands is Simple Plan. They are a Canadian pop-rock band. I have been listening to them for probably close to ten years. they always have songws that appeal to individuals who feel different or lost. They just released an EP called "Get Your Heart On - The Second Coming". (Read that album name a couple times and see if you catch the innuendo) <BR> <BR> One of the songs on the album is called "Lucky One". I love the song so much and it honestly fits my life almost perfectly... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 00:24:34 EST I've Underestimated Everyone! I've spent so much time living in fear, pain, and uncertainty. I have allowed myself to just get by in life. Convincing myself that the future was hopeless. But, I have made so many mistakes. i have underestimated other people and I have underestimated myself. <BR> <BR> I have spent my days being tormented by thoughts that revolve around my problems and insecurities. I have been fearful of new situations because I expected people to judge me so harshly as a result of my size. The truth is t... Tue, 10 Dec 2013 23:19:51 EST This isn't living I continue to struggle to figure this all out. I used to be motivated and passionate about getting healthy and about life, even though I struggled with countless insecurities and although I never truly made any progress with my weight. When I think back to when my depression was at it's worst, the physical pain and mental anguish I endured, I almost prefer that to where I am now. At least when you are in pain, you know you are still living, still fighting. This isn't living. This is giving in... Tue, 19 Nov 2013 22:01:35 EST Lost at Sea -- New Original Poem ~Lost at Sea~ <BR> <BR> This is a mayday <BR> Can you hear my plea <BR> I'm alone and lost at sea <BR> <BR> I was searching for an escape <BR> But, the storm followed me <BR> <BR> The lightning strikes <BR> The thunder booms <BR> Please send help soon <BR> <BR> I'm afraid that I might disappear <BR> Without a trace that I was ever here <BR> <BR> Desperately trying to hold on tight <BR> As these crashing waves threaten my life <BR> <BR> But, part of me believes <BR> It'd be better to gi... Mon, 11 Nov 2013 14:27:10 EST Your Dream Life Awaits Right now my life is far from where I want it. In fact, I would argue that nothing in my life is right. My financial situation is tragic. My love life is non-existent. I am currently car-less until I either fix my car or get a new one. I hate hate hate my current job. I am unhealthy and doubt that will change any time soon. I am struggling with countless insecurities. And none of this seems like it will ever end. So situations like these cause us to dream about the future. I am constantly pr... Mon, 4 Nov 2013 13:51:33 EST The Stress of What If THE BACK-STORY <BR> <BR> In 2009, my brother passed away unexpectedly. My brother and his two kids had been living with my mom and I since 2005, most of the time I was away at school. Before that a lot of my spare time had been spent babysitting and stuff like that ever since my first nephew was born on in 2002, when I was 15 years old. A year after my brother's death my mom got custody of both kids. The oldest has many demanding health problems such as epilepsy and a mild form of autism. ... Fri, 25 Oct 2013 09:30:50 EST Faded - New Original Poem <img src=""> <BR> <BR> ~FADED~ <BR> <BR> I don't know what you see in me <BR> But it's not reality <BR> <BR> If only life were a fantasy <BR> Imagine how happy we could be <BR> <BR> But there are demons in my head <BR> They keep me stranded in this bed <BR> <BR> Busy dreaming of what could've been <BR> It might be too late for me my friend <BR> <BR> What do you want me to do <BR> 'Cause I'm not as strong as you <BR> <BR> And damn... Thu, 26 Sep 2013 11:05:59 EST