FIGHTING4IT's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=FIGHTING4IT FIGHTING4IT's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ REFOCUS! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5717028 So my mom is going on a trip to visit my uncles in North Carolina which means I have the next five days off from work so I can babysit my nephews. So, I wanna use this time to kick start my journey again. The problem is that I have lost motivation for my life. It's not that I don't wanna change because I want it more than anything. It's that I feel like I never will. But, it is time to refocus. The reason I need to change my life is not so that I can meet the unrealistic expectations of socie... Fri, 13 Jun 2014 08:11:16 EST WHISPERS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5715210 ~Whispers~ <BR> <BR> Dream big. <BR> Dreams die. <BR> Run. <BR> Run away and hide. <BR> Too late. <BR> No choice. <BR> Why bother. <BR> You can't. <BR> It's over. <BR> Forget. <BR> The past. <BR> Doubt. <BR> The future. Tue, 10 Jun 2014 19:26:55 EST I AM DIFFERENT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5670526 I am starting to realize that I AM DIFFERENT! I always thought that being big is what made me different and that is why I always gravitate towards other people who are weird or different. But, now I am starting to think that isn't the case. It is even possible that I am big because I feel different on the INSIDE. Maybe? Who knows? <BR> <BR> The truth is I am different from other people and I am starting to accept that, hell maybe even embrace. I think differently than other people. I see th... Sat, 12 Apr 2014 13:51:00 EST What does this mean? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5660486 I seem to see bunnies a lot by my home. I come home from work really late and several times I have seen bunnies running across the road, even in the middle of winter. Also, I have seen them in the bushes by where I park. Then, last night I got out of work early and I had pulled over so I could shazam this song I heard on the radio. Just when i pull over a rabbit runs out in front of me. I probably would of hit it if I hadn't pulled over. <BR> <BR> I don't see the rabbits daily, but if I had... Mon, 31 Mar 2014 02:47:28 EST Someone Somewhere Someday http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5643617 I am constantly flooded with these visions of you and me lying breathless beneath the stars. The stars, they were painted just for us. Wrapped in your arms. This is home. It seems so familiar. Yet so far away. Like a dream I hardly remember, but can never quite forget. My hopes begin to disappear. But, your smile pulls me back in. And your eyes melt away my fears. It's getting harder to wait. For that day when our eyes finally meet. And everything stops. We're frozen in time as the world spin... Sun, 9 Mar 2014 13:24:32 EST TIME TO GET IT TOGETHER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5640839 One of my besties just came to visit me for my birthday. We did a little a shopping and a lot of relaxing. We also discussed and made about how we can get back on track and reach our goals. <BR> <BR> GOALS AND REWARDS <BR> <BR> -April 4th <BR> Goal: 20lbs <BR> Reward: Mani & Pedi <BR> <BR> -May 3rd <BR> Goal: 35lbs <BR> Reward:Jewelry <BR> <BR> -June 7th <BR> Goal:50lbs <BR> Reward: Pierce Nose <BR> <BR> -July 5th <BR> Goal: 65lbs <BR> Reward: Buy Something Sexy <BR> <BR> -August 2nd <... Wed, 5 Mar 2014 22:11:51 EST Twenty-Six http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5637716 ~Twenty-Six~ <BR> <BR> So 26, <BR> ends like this? <BR> <BR> I thought it, <BR> would be so different. <BR> <BR> I've smiled, <BR> and I've cried. <BR> <BR> I've said my goodbyes. <BR> To everyone, but you. <BR> <BR> You held me down <BR> and made me weak. <BR> You taught me how to hate. <BR> <BR> But I think it's time <BR> to let go <BR> of all the pain <BR> I've come to know. <BR> <BR> For this finally ends tonight. <BR> When I blow out the candles <BR> and say goodnight.... Sun, 2 Mar 2014 13:47:42 EST I AM AN OVERCOMER! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5633511 So I have been on this site for almost three years now and have made no progress. In fact, I have gained weight since I initially joined. But, I am still here and I am still willing to fight. When you are so used to living and thinking one way it is hard to picture your life as anything else. But, we all have the power to change our lives. <BR> <BR> I will be turning 27 in less than a week!!!! 27 is a scary number! Just surviving my 27th year will be a big accomplishment because not everyo... Tue, 25 Feb 2014 14:08:22 EST Gonna be a busy year http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5600553 So I was having hard time with things, but i am doing a lot better now. I'm sure I will have bad days again. I started making a list of some things I want to so this year and that helped me get back on track. Here are some of my goals for the year, some of which are the same as my new years goals and some that are more specific. <BR> <BR> ~THINGS TO DO THIS YEAR~ <BR> <BR> -Go to Boston for my Birthday <BR> -Kathy Griffin Show in April <BR> -We Are the In Crowd - Concert <BR> -Fall Out Bo... Mon, 20 Jan 2014 20:18:32 EST Time to Escape http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5596523 I'm just done with it all. I'm sick of putting effort into people who don't do the same for me. Maybe I'm being selfish. But it would be nice for someone to be there for me once. I put all my effort into other people and get nothing back in return. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. Gonna be stuck in this nightmare forever. I just need to escape. Disappear. Wish I could pack my bags and leave everything behind. I don't see how it can get better. Fri, 17 Jan 2014 00:46:55 EST The Voices Are Back http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5590056 The voices are back. I feel like I am never going to get to live my own life. I'll never get to travel to all the places I want. I'll never get to fall in love or get my heartbroken. I'll never get to say 'I Do". I'll never get to have a family or kids of my own. I feel like my future has been decided for me and I don't even get a say in it. Why don't I get the same opportunities as everyone else? It's not fair. At all. Sometimes the alternative seems better. Sat, 11 Jan 2014 10:00:59 EST Released - New Original Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5586265 ~Released~ <BR> <BR> Acknowledge me <BR> <BR> Caress me <BR> <BR> Save me <BR> <BR> From insanity <BR> <BR> Look deep <BR> <BR> Within my soul <BR> <BR> Although there's scars <BR> <BR> There's still hope <BR> <BR> I won't beg <BR> <BR> I won't plead <BR> <BR> I'm done waiting <BR> <BR> For you to see <BR> <BR> How I've been longing <BR> <BR> To be set free <BR> <BR> But, I believe <BR> <BR> Things can change <BR> <BR> So now's the time <BR> <BR> To destroy the pain <B... Tue, 7 Jan 2014 22:45:50 EST Good Riddance 2013! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5575968 I am definitely happy to say goodbye to 2013. It has been one of the roughest years of my life. I did not achieve a lot of the goals I set for the year. However, that does not mean the year was a waste ( even though I often feel that way). I am excited to begin 2014! This feels like my year! I may be at my heaviest weight ever, but I am not done. I refuse to give up on myself. So bring it on 2014! <BR> <BR> ~HIGHLIGHTS FROM 2013~ <BR> -Spent my Birthday in Saratoga <BR> -Reunited with Colle... Mon, 30 Dec 2013 19:51:39 EST The Perfect Song http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5568373 One of my favorite bands is Simple Plan. They are a Canadian pop-rock band. I have been listening to them for probably close to ten years. they always have songws that appeal to individuals who feel different or lost. They just released an EP called "Get Your Heart On - The Second Coming". (Read that album name a couple times and see if you catch the innuendo) <BR> <BR> One of the songs on the album is called "Lucky One". I love the song so much and it honestly fits my life almost perfectly... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 00:24:34 EST I've Underestimated Everyone! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5561708 I've spent so much time living in fear, pain, and uncertainty. I have allowed myself to just get by in life. Convincing myself that the future was hopeless. But, I have made so many mistakes. i have underestimated other people and I have underestimated myself. <BR> <BR> I have spent my days being tormented by thoughts that revolve around my problems and insecurities. I have been fearful of new situations because I expected people to judge me so harshly as a result of my size. The truth is t... Tue, 10 Dec 2013 23:19:51 EST This isn't living http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5545637 I continue to struggle to figure this all out. I used to be motivated and passionate about getting healthy and about life, even though I struggled with countless insecurities and although I never truly made any progress with my weight. When I think back to when my depression was at it's worst, the physical pain and mental anguish I endured, I almost prefer that to where I am now. At least when you are in pain, you know you are still living, still fighting. This isn't living. This is giving in... Tue, 19 Nov 2013 22:01:35 EST Lost at Sea -- New Original Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5538348 ~Lost at Sea~ <BR> <BR> This is a mayday <BR> Can you hear my plea <BR> I'm alone and lost at sea <BR> <BR> I was searching for an escape <BR> But, the storm followed me <BR> <BR> The lightning strikes <BR> The thunder booms <BR> Please send help soon <BR> <BR> I'm afraid that I might disappear <BR> Without a trace that I was ever here <BR> <BR> Desperately trying to hold on tight <BR> As these crashing waves threaten my life <BR> <BR> But, part of me believes <BR> It'd be better to gi... Mon, 11 Nov 2013 14:27:10 EST Your Dream Life Awaits http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5532013 Right now my life is far from where I want it. In fact, I would argue that nothing in my life is right. My financial situation is tragic. My love life is non-existent. I am currently car-less until I either fix my car or get a new one. I hate hate hate my current job. I am unhealthy and doubt that will change any time soon. I am struggling with countless insecurities. And none of this seems like it will ever end. So situations like these cause us to dream about the future. I am constantly pr... Mon, 4 Nov 2013 13:51:33 EST The Stress of What If http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5523028 THE BACK-STORY <BR> <BR> In 2009, my brother passed away unexpectedly. My brother and his two kids had been living with my mom and I since 2005, most of the time I was away at school. Before that a lot of my spare time had been spent babysitting and stuff like that ever since my first nephew was born on in 2002, when I was 15 years old. A year after my brother's death my mom got custody of both kids. The oldest has many demanding health problems such as epilepsy and a mild form of autism. ... Fri, 25 Oct 2013 09:30:50 EST Faded - New Original Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5496792 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/2/0/l205613274.jpg"> <BR> <BR> ~FADED~ <BR> <BR> I don't know what you see in me <BR> But it's not reality <BR> <BR> If only life were a fantasy <BR> Imagine how happy we could be <BR> <BR> But there are demons in my head <BR> They keep me stranded in this bed <BR> <BR> Busy dreaming of what could've been <BR> It might be too late for me my friend <BR> <BR> What do you want me to do <BR> 'Cause I'm not as strong as you <BR> <BR> And damn... Thu, 26 Sep 2013 11:05:59 EST It's in the Stars -- New Poem! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5487757 ~It's in the Stars~ <BR> <BR> If only the rain could <BR> wash away the tears <BR> <BR> The clouds could carry me <BR> far away from here <BR> <BR> So the sun could <BR> melt away my fears <BR> <BR> Then, the wind would <BR> guide my spirit home <BR> <BR> As the flowers remind me <BR> that I'm not alone <BR> <BR> The falling leaves would <BR> show me how to dance <BR> <BR> The trees would give me <BR> the courage to take a chance <BR> <BR> And each flake of snow <BR> would beg ... Mon, 16 Sep 2013 22:41:17 EST The Attack --New Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5458938 So this is a new poem I started the other day at work. The idea came about because i was thinking about the different things I would say if I were to talk to someone about my issues. I hope you enjoy! <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/8/0/l807364798.jpg"> <BR> <BR> ~The Attack~ <BR> <BR> Listen to the story I'm about to tell <BR> I can't remember the last time I was well <BR> <BR> I've got a lot to say <BR> and it definitely won't be easy <BR> <BR> I've den... Sun, 18 Aug 2013 14:28:17 EST Day #1 (Retry #785) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5453203 Welcome to day #1, or in all actuality more like day #785, of my journey to get healthy. There have so many things holding me back from getting healthy. Fear. Depression. Laziness. Insecurity. Comfort. But I am finally done with living this way and I am determined to do something about it. So, today I created a health journal and binder. I am hoping that this will help me stay on track. <BR> <BR> In my binder I created a rewards list for when I reach certain weight loss goals. <BR> <BR> ... Mon, 12 Aug 2013 19:03:35 EST That'll Never Be Me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5451822 ~That'll Never Be Me~ <BR> <BR> I sit here as my life goes by <BR> Forced to watch how everyone else got it right <BR> I wish I was lucky enough to have it that easy <BR> To be happy is all I would need <BR> But that'll never be me <BR> <BR> That girl is so damn pretty <BR> She doesn't fight the mirror every day <BR> Everything always goes her way <BR> She has the life that I dream <BR> But I know that'll never be me <BR> <BR> She's found the love of her life <BR> and she just became his ... Sun, 11 Aug 2013 14:14:54 EST Addiction & Pain http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5444975 The following is an excerpt from the book, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. <BR> <BR> "Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to.- alcohol, legal or illegal food, drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intim... Mon, 5 Aug 2013 08:52:27 EST Broken Mirror - New Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5405443 ~Broken Mirror~ <BR> <BR> Your words they tear at my skin <BR> Yet I continue to let you in <BR> <BR> Then you grab me by the throat <BR> You hold me down and won't let go <BR> <BR> Now I'm just stuck here <BR> looking into this broken mirror <BR> <BR> I scream, as you drag me across the floor <BR> I've lost the girl I was before <BR> <BR> My voice, it shakes <BR> There's nothing left for you to take <BR> <BR> Oh, why do I still fear <BR> this ridiculous broken mirror <BR> <BR> I wi... Sat, 29 Jun 2013 11:49:10 EST Maybe This Is It http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5379827 New Original Poem! <BR> <BR> ~Maybe This Is It~ <BR> <BR> Her lips. <BR> They lie. <BR> They say that she's fine. <BR> <BR> Her eyes. <BR> They hide. <BR> The secrets inside. <BR> <BR> Her heart. <BR> It cries. <BR> <BR> Maybe. This. Is. Goodbye. <BR> <BR> She thinks no one sees <BR> how badly she bleeds. <BR> <BR> She feels lost and weak <BR> but she's stronger than she thinks. <BR> <BR> She's searching for the sign <BR> that she can make it through <BR> to the other side. <BR>... Thu, 6 Jun 2013 01:23:45 EST 40 Reasons to lose Weight and Get Healthy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5369790 I did a blog similar to this two years ago with 20 reasons to get healthy. This list has more reasons and pictures to go with. Inspired by RISINGBLUESTAR's blog. <BR> <BR> ~40 Reasons to Lose Weight and Get Healthy~ <BR> <BR> 1. So I have more energy <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/8/5/l854512444.jpg"> <BR> <BR> 2. So I can easily tie my shoes <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/2/l1281282856.jpg"> <BR> <BR> 3.So I can go sleeveless <BR> <img src="... Mon, 27 May 2013 22:19:48 EST The Real Reason I Can't Lose Weight http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5368280 So it has taken me a while, but I think I have finally stumbled upon the real reason or at least one of the primary reasons why I am unable to lose weight. I realize now that if I lose the weight then I lose this "shield" that I use to distance myself from people. That's the real reason. I have used my weight as a way of distancing myself from others and from pain. So if I were to lose the weight that would mean I would lose this protection I have put around myself. That would make me vulnera... Sun, 26 May 2013 10:05:55 EST I Finally Survived Day 1 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5365216 I have been on this site for a couple years now and I have done more bad than good when it comes to my health and weight loss.This might not seem that amazing, but it is for me. Getting started is the hardest part for me, but I finally did it. I finally survived Day 1 of this journey. Making it through this first day just shows me that i can do this. That I am strong enough. <BR> <BR> What I Did Well <BR> -Woke up Early <BR> -Took a Walk - 1 Mile <BR> -Tracked all My food for the Day <BR> -... Thu, 23 May 2013 01:01:27 EST New Before Pics http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5362470 Here are some new before pictures that I took today. I barely even recognize myself in the photos. I never wanna see myself like this again. now i need to use this to motivate myself to really change! <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/2/0/l2018291589.jpg"> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/8/l1833095950.jpg"> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/3/l1314935590.jpg"> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.co... Mon, 20 May 2013 15:40:11 EST Silly Happy Endings - A New Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5360022 ~Silly Happy Endings~ <BR> <BR> So tell me, <BR> How do I fix this life? <BR> How do I make things right? <BR> <BR> 'Cause I don't know where to start <BR> now that everything's fallen apart. <BR> <BR> This isn't the life I planned <BR> and I've forgotten who I am. <BR> <BR> I'm just trying to find my way <BR> through these dark and lonely days. <BR> <BR> But, it's getting hard to believe <BR> In those silly happy endings. Sat, 18 May 2013 08:59:30 EST A Way Out ~ New Short Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5359335 So this is a short poem. I wanted it to be a little longer, but nothing felt as right as these lines did. I might add more later if I find lines that work with the poem. Please do not take the poem too literal. I think anyone who has struggled with something whether it be weight loss, depression, or a bad relationship can relate to this poem. It's about giving up on something you are struggling with. Enjoy! <BR> <BR> ~A Way Out~ <BR> <BR> I finally see my way out <BR> but it's not the way t... Fri, 17 May 2013 13:00:46 EST Breathless ---A New Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5349086 So I just took a trip to Maryland and DC to visit my friend from college. I wrote this poem on the train on my way back home. I was feeling hopeless romantic! Enjoy! <BR> <BR> ~Breathless~ <BR> <BR> I can feel him out there <BR> He's out there somewhere <BR> Closer than I realize <BR> I wonder what he's doing <BR> Or if he's looking for me too <BR> Just waiting for that moment <BR> When our eyes meet <BR> And my heart stops <BR> I'm breathless <BR> You're what I've been waiting for <BR> B... Tue, 7 May 2013 21:06:17 EST Shadow of Who I Used To Be --- New Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5332184 ~Shadow of Who I Used to Be~ <BR> <BR> How did I get so lost <BR> Lost inside this nightmare <BR> The room is spinning around me <BR> I've got them all laughing <BR> As I'm breaking down <BR> Choking on the words I can't find <BR> <BR> I've fallen to my knees <BR> Trying to crawl my way out <BR> Tired of running from my past <BR> I'm barely breathing <BR> <BR> We're all too busy to notice <BR> I'm just a shadow of who I used to be <BR> I'm drowning in the questions <BR> Of what will b... Mon, 22 Apr 2013 20:43:52 EST Time to Change http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5323203 I am just coming back from an amazing weekend with some of my closest friends. Looking at photos form the weekend make me feel disgusted because I have to acknowledge how much weight I have truly gained. The weight also holds me back from truly living in the moment. It is something I am constantly aware of. Honestly I would normally feel like crap after seeing these photos and realizing these things, but I am not feeling that way this time. This time I am feeling motivated! i want to change! ... Sun, 14 Apr 2013 20:58:19 EST My Struggles: A New Perspective http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5316033 So this blog was inspired by a goodie and message I sent to another Spark member. She really inspired me and as I was writing her a message I decided it was a topic I wanted to write about more. <BR> <BR> So the topic of choice is our struggles! <BR> <BR> There are so many times I have wished I just had it easy. That I could be "normal" like everyone else. There are so many times I have wished for a different life. You know how people say they don't have any regrets, I am NOT one of those... Mon, 8 Apr 2013 15:04:24 EST My Dark Confession http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5313437 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/1/8/l1827427086.jpg"> <BR> <BR> So I sat down with the intention of writing a poem, but I was not feeling inspired. Instead I found myself coming clean about something I can no longer deny. I am finally giving into the fact that I am indeed depressed. Yeah me! (Humor makes it feel less tragic) Truth is I have been depressed for a long time. I am now realizing that I probably spent much of my adolescence and young adult years in a state of depres... Sat, 6 Apr 2013 09:15:58 EST Ugly Side of Me - Original Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5304929 It's gnawing at my skin <BR> A truth I dare not say <BR> <BR> The words have grown too heavy <BR> For me to try to get away <BR> <BR> These voices, they are strong <BR> They won't even let me speak <BR> <BR> My laughter is a mask <BR> For the ugly side of me. <BR> <BR> The lies, they're so convincing <BR> I start to believe them too <BR> <BR> Breathless and numb in this bed <BR> Without a sign of what to do <BR> <BR> Barely fighting this nightmare <BR> With a dream of being free <BR>... Sat, 30 Mar 2013 00:57:04 EST My Rules for Life http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5304364 It is so easy to lose sight of... well EVERYTHING! I've been lost for as long as I can remember and I'm trying to find my way back. I thought that creating a list of the rules I wanna follow for me life might help me find my way back. So here goes! <BR> <BR> <BR> --Stacy's Rules for Life-- <BR> <BR> 1. Be Brave and take lots of chances! <BR> <BR> 2. Believe in yourself! <BR> <BR> 3. Trust that everything happens for a reason! <BR> <BR> 4. Never stop learning! <BR> <BR> 5. Eat healthy,... Fri, 29 Mar 2013 12:59:55 EST Someone Somewhere http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5297874 What if you do it? <BR> What if you just said all the things you are afraid to say? <BR> Would the pain be unbearable or would it help you heal? <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/8/5/l857321404.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I just want someone who gets it, who gets me. <BR> <BR> Someone who sees how broken I am, but still thinks I am perfect. <BR> <BR> Someone who understands how hard I have struggled and how lonely I have become. <BR> <BR> Someone who understands that my ... Sun, 24 Mar 2013 03:42:44 EST Say Something! - New Unexpected Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5295766 So this might be my favorite poem yet and it happened totally by accident. I was getting ready to write another blog and the beginning of the poem was originally my intro for the blog. However, I really liked how it sounded so I just continued with it and wrote a poem instead. I love this poem and how it can be interpreted in so many ways. It could be about love or life in general. Plus, after reading it I realized it could also be interpreted in a spiritual sense. This was purely accidental ... Fri, 22 Mar 2013 04:07:40 EST "On the Floor" --- New Original Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5289455 So here is another original poem I wrote. I'm undecided about how much this actually represents how I feel, but it is likely that at one time or another we will all deal with something that will make us feel this way. Enjoy! <BR> <BR> "On the Floor" <BR> <BR> Why even open your heart <BR> When it's gonna all fall apart <BR> <BR> 'Cause I took a leap <BR> And fell to my feet <BR> <BR> How I hate to say goodbye <BR> Forever left wondering why <BR> <BR> Can't eat, can't sleep <BR> Just fee... Sun, 17 Mar 2013 03:31:40 EST The Key is to Believe http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5288410 So on Thursday March 14 I got my first tattoo with one of my besties! I was so nervous, but it surprisingly did not hurt that bad! My friend and I got similar tattoos. Jennie got a key with the word "hope" in it. I got a key tattoo with a pink bow and the word "believe" in it. To me the tattoo symbolizes that the key is to believe. You need to believe in yourself. You need to believe in other people and that there is more love than hate in the world. You need to believe that everything happen... Sat, 16 Mar 2013 02:48:23 EST Satisfaction Guaranteed? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5281079 So I have been living (if you can even call it living) a life shut off from the world. Finally admitting to myself that I am the person to blame for allowing myself to be stuck in a world of agony. Now i am slowly breaking out of my cage and starting to truly see what life has to offer. i hate myself for wasting as much time as I have, But I think that things happen for a reason. My hope is that everything I have endured is leading me to a far greater fate than I could have ever imagined. <B... Sun, 10 Mar 2013 11:37:23 EST Thinking is Dangerous! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5275090 I just had an amazing four day birthday weekend. It was exactly what I needed, but the aftermath of getting back to reality was harder than I imagined! I look back on my life and I know that I have had some great experiences, yet these experiences are often clouded by overwhelming negative thoughts. Why is it that my mind is determined to destroy me? I will never be happy if I don't learn how to control my thoughts. They are the reason I got the way I am. The weight is not what I am battling.... Tue, 5 Mar 2013 22:29:05 EST Trapped -- New Original Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5250088 "Trapped" <BR> <BR> It's getting hard to breathe <BR> Smothered by a life I didn't choose <BR> Hating the person I've become <BR> Slowly killing myself to mask the pain <BR> Confined by the guilt <BR> Unable to fix my mistakes <BR> Broken beyond repair <BR> No one could understand <BR> Surrounded by despair <BR> I'd give anything to break free <BR> But feeling forever trapped in these walls. <BR> <BR> <BR> <em>214</em> <BR> <BR> This song is a good representation of how I feel. ... Thu, 14 Feb 2013 08:24:55 EST The Real Problem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5248224 I hate blaming my weight for my problems. The weight is actually just a symptom of the real problem. The real problem is that I am lost and I have been for a long time. I have always felt different and I don't know why. It was easy to use my weight as the reason why I was different when in all actuality it was me, my spirit that were different. I am realizing that I see the world differently than most people. The world is so full of beauty and magic. It is too easy to get corrupted by fear an... Tue, 12 Feb 2013 20:32:34 EST "So Natural and Free" - New Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5237479 I wrote this poem when it was slow at work. Its not the best, but I enjoyed writing it. I am not sure what to call it so there is currently no title. Enjoy! <BR> <BR> <BR> "So Natural and Free" <BR> <BR> She was a vibrant budding tree <BR> Nestled alone on the top of a hill <BR> <BR> Surrounded by beauty <BR> So natural and free <BR> So full of possibilities <BR> <BR> Each year she grew taller as the sun beamed against her <BR> Small crisp leaves scattered along her branches <BR> <B... Mon, 4 Feb 2013 16:25:29 EST Hope --- A New Original Poem http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5222952 So 2012 was a tough year for me, possibly the toughest yet. However, so far 2013 has been life changing and I am in such a good place right now. Although, there are moments when I regress back to old thoughts and habits. This poem represents my journey and how I am changing. I struggled with finding the right tittle, but eventually I settled on "Hope". Hopeful is how I feel and how I wish everyone else will feel. Enjoy! <BR> <BR> <BR> -----HOPE----- <BR> <BR> To take a chance, that's what ... Fri, 25 Jan 2013 11:37:12 EST