FIERCESTCALM's SparkPeople Blog FIERCESTCALM's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community the gym is good for my soul As someone that is recovering/in recovery from an eating disorder many people can be concerned that I am using activity (aka exercise) for the wrong reasons and to compensate for eating. I can see where their concern comes from but...... <BR> <BR> I always feel SO much better about myself after the gym (I workout with a personal trainer who knows me and my history very well) and feel emotionally lighter! This particular week my body image has been in the toilet and when I look in the mirro... Wed, 12 Jun 2013 17:43:32 EST so many victories! Life has been so interesting lately....well, lately being these last 4 months. There have been so many stunning and breath taking moments and also periods of overcoming struggles. <BR> <BR> In my blogs I have been very open and honest about my struggle with bulimia and my fight for recovery. The last blog I wrote was nearly 2 months ago on the eve of my 5th month of abstinence. I am now 2 days away from 7 months!! I have not used my bulimic behaviors/symptoms since October 28th, 2012. ... Sun, 26 May 2013 23:59:58 EST update....big milestones It's been hard for me to be consistent with using spark these last few months. I have used it as an unhealthy way to act out in my eating disorder and I'm having a hard time using it as the healthy tool it is meant to be. <BR> <BR> With that being said I will get 5 months of abstinence from purging on Thursday which is astounding to me. I can't believe I have made it as far as I have. I have been reaching out more for in person support/connections which has also resulted in decreased time... Wed, 27 Mar 2013 10:59:39 EST been absent for a month....... I didn't mean to take a spark break. oops. honestly though, I think it was actually a really good thing for me. my eating hasn't been perfect and I've definitely struggled with skipping meals and not eating enough. HOWEVER, I have been doing AWESOME with not purging and no, I am not replacing purging with restricting. this last week has been kind of tough and I just haven't been very hungry. <BR> <BR> My cousin is doing very well and recovering from her open heart surgery. things were ... Thu, 17 Jan 2013 22:19:39 EST heavy hearted....could use some prayers/positive vibes Long story short: one of my favorite cousins had to have open heart surgery today (at age of slightly older than me) for a recently discovered congenital heart defect that she's had her whole life. She made it through the surgery and they found that the hole was bigger than anticipated.....if you touch your middle finger to your thumb that's how big the hole was today but that it's ALWAYS been proportionally that big even as a child , they also found an aneurysm in her pulmonary art... Mon, 17 Dec 2012 23:39:27 EST going on a bear hunt I have not gotten out into the woods nearly enough lately. In fact today was the first time I had been in the woods in something like nearly 3 weeks. EGADS!!! No wonder things have been tough lately. I gave up the one thing that is best at helping to keep me centered and grounded. Needless to say the situation needed to be rectified PRONTO so I left work an hour early and headed to the woods for an hour and a half before heading to therapy. the birds were talking to me today and I haven... Wed, 5 Dec 2012 21:31:57 EST huge victory! today has been a huge victory for me. I had a final in my anatomy lab today and while I don't think I got the grade that I really want, I know that I tried my best. The reason that today was such a huge victory is that this is officially the first test since returning back to school in 2010 that I haven't binged and purged my way through as a way of coping with my stress. There have been several times today when I really didn't think that I was going to be able to make it through the day ... Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:53:40 EST keep chugging........ today has been a pretty intense day. started off with court for a speeding/headlight violation which resulted in a fine that I can't pay. really stressed about that but lessoned learned....DO NOT SPEED with a broken headlight even if it has just gone out!!!!! sad thing is that I wasn't going faster than the flow of traffic....oh well. lesson learned. <BR> <BR> after court I came home and took a nearly 3 hour nap. didn't sleep well last night AND I had taken sleep meds last night and I... Mon, 26 Nov 2012 23:29:49 EST emotional grab bag this has been my longest streak of abstinence on an outpatient basis (meaning only seeing a therapist and not actually in some form of program) from purging. Today is day 35 I think.....maybe 28...not entirely sure. regardless I've never made it this far before and I'm getting close to having the longest streak ever since my relapse in 2010. longest I've ever made it was 42 days and 28 of that was in residential treatment. <BR> <BR> today has been a really tough day. had a situation that... Sun, 25 Nov 2012 23:19:37 EST so conflicted.....and being very vulnerable Went out to dinner with my coach last night and while it was good, it was also really intense. We ended up talking about the relationship with my husband and I and I'm just so confused. I realize that this is ultimately my decision to make but I really don't know what direction to take. I need guidance on this issue with someone that isn't invested on a decision in either way. This is such a hard time for me. I wish it was easy to make this decision. I don't know why I feel like I have ... Sat, 24 Nov 2012 22:12:53 EST Happy Thanksgiving Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there! Had a pretty good day with my family and enjoyed spending time with most of them. I have this one really creepy uncle that makes really inappropriate sexual comments and is very sexist. Honestly he really gives me the creeps and I often wonder why on earth my aunt married him. She could have done so much better and had a better life if she had married someone more on her level. <BR> <BR> Anyway, I have a cousin that has a new baby (she's on the... Thu, 22 Nov 2012 22:21:19 EST 3 yr anniversary since becoming cancer free! As the title says today is my 3 year anniversary of being cancer free. In 2010 on this day I underwent a body scan after radiation treatment and surgery to remove my thyroid and the lymph nodes that the cancer spread to and received the news that I was clear. While on the one hand it's great to say I'm cancer free I wonder if it will be easier to accept and trust when I hit the 5 year mark or the 10 year mark? That makes me sound ungrateful and I'm not.....I'm so grateful to be able to sa... Mon, 19 Nov 2012 21:29:02 EST I don't know what to do........thoughts? I am working on completing the pre requisites to get into nursing school and am down to my last 4 classes. I had registered for 2 of those classes a few weeks ago and did some major schedule tweaking with my work schedule in order to have THE BEST professor on campus for one of the classes. I heard mention the other day that they had opened up some other lab sections and so I logged on today to see if there was anything that worked better for my schedule. Not only are all the lab sections ... Thu, 15 Nov 2012 21:45:55 EST about me one word answers Copy and Paste into your own blog. Change the answers just as I did when I got this from another Spark Friend. <BR> <BR> Where is your cell phone? <BR> table <BR> <BR> Spouse? <BR> mom's <BR> <BR> How Is Your Hair? <BR> long <BR> <BR> Where is Your mother? <BR> home <BR> <BR> Where is Your father? <BR> home <BR> <BR> What is Your favorite thing? <BR> hiking <BR> <BR> Describe Your dream last night? <BR> weird <BR> <BR> What is Your Favorite Drink? <BR> bailey's <BR> <BR... Tue, 13 Nov 2012 21:04:16 EST how do you stay in the moment and not live in the future or the past? I'm really having a day today. To be honest the last 2 days have been pretty tough emotionally. So far I've mostly stayed on track behavior wise (no purging thus far) but I'm starting to feel really overwhelmed by it. There is a recovery organization on campus that I want to join but you have to have 6 months of abstinence from symptoms before you are able to join. The longest I've made it is 42 days and 25 of that was inpatient. I'm really feeling overwhelmed at the idea of having to st... Mon, 12 Nov 2012 21:48:55 EST staying on track and focusing on positives I went out to dinner with my coach tonight and it was an AMAZING time!! We went to a restaurant that was new to me and were seated on an enclosed patio next to a roaring fire!!! I ADORE fires with every fiber of my being. in fact I came home and built one just to have more fire around me. there's something very soothiing about them to me. Today was kind of rough so this was the perfect way to end it. I'm so grateful to have my coach in my life. When I'm ready to start working on the 12... Fri, 9 Nov 2012 23:26:27 EST trust no one was let down today by someone that I thought had my back. I thought they were cheering for me and would help me achieve some goals. They weren't honest with me when I first asked them about something and now that it's time to follow through on what they said they would do they tell me that I don't meet the eligibility requirements. very frustrated that they weren't honest with me in the beginning. I feel like I am being punished for being honest about where I was. <BR> <BR> from now on I... Wed, 7 Nov 2012 23:36:47 EST continuing to put one foot in front of the other Today has been an interesting day. Found out that I'm the favorite for one of my students (he can be a bit beligerent but we seem to have developed a rapport) and as a result he's been a lot of fun to work with the last several days. It always feels good to be the favorite for my students (we work one on one but they can see as many as 6 teachers a day) and helps me stay upbeat at work. our work is really intense but very rewarding. Studied cats tonight in anatomy and fortunately have a r... Tue, 6 Nov 2012 21:42:17 EST race results/goals for the week I ended up having a really good race! I achieved my goal and came in under 35 minutes and my official time from crossing the start/finish lines was 34:26 which is 32 seconds faster than my previous best 5k time. YAY!!! I finished 316 out of 758 women and came in 35/84 in my age group. I feel pretty good about that and think I might be hooked with running races. <BR> <BR> Today has been an interesting day. I feel like I've eaten too much today and I'm really struggling to not act out and... Sun, 4 Nov 2012 23:36:00 EST anything is possible I am getting ready to try and take a nap even though it's nearly 6pm because I am doing a 5k at 1:50 in the morning!!! what on earth was I thinking?!?!?!? seriously. I think it should be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to it but am really tired at the moment. just went and picked up my race packet and got my pj pants!! instead of race T-shirts old navy made pj pants. I got a pair of christmas ones with candy cane hearts and a green background. <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeop... Sat, 3 Nov 2012 18:03:42 EST making big and important changes It's been a few days since I last blogged and I'm not really sure what I want to say. I have put in some really hard and intense work in therapy this week and as hard as it was to lose my beloved therapist in May, I'm glad that I'm with my current one. I think she's a really good fit for me and we have been talking about so many things in therapy that I've either never talked about or that I haven't talked about in a long time. She makes me feel supported and like she's on my side. The th... Fri, 2 Nov 2012 22:17:06 EST duality.....or the tendencies of a gemini During therapy the other day it came out that I am too afraid to hope. Having hope means that you can be let down. It means that expectations or desires have the possibility of not being met and that just leads to greater disappointment. I am afraid to hope because I feel like I held on to hope for a while that things HAD to get better and instead they just got worse. The situation that I currently find myself in financially is the culmination of several years of crap not working out the ... Wed, 31 Oct 2012 21:36:06 EST spark let me down I posted on the nutrition board looking for tips (hoping the dietician would chime in) about how to deal with having to increase the meal plan. I wasn't and am not looking for tips on what to eat just on the best way to handle/cope with increasing. like is it better to add a whole meal or should I add a component or 2 of it, then once that is manageable look to add more components. maybe I didn't clearly state what my actual question was. <BR> <BR> instead of getting any advice on HOW to ... Tue, 30 Oct 2012 22:30:48 EST emotional recharge My daughter spent the weekend with her grandparents and got to play with her 2nd cousins. That means that Mommy had the weekend off!! Friday night I just relaxed and took it easy doing absolutely nothing. <BR> <BR> Saturday I took time for myself and did some activities that recharged me. As I mentioned in a previous post I did some baking on Saturday in preparation for the dinner and a movie night. Dinner was good but simple...spaghetti with ground turkey and salad. We actually ended u... Sun, 28 Oct 2012 21:18:43 EST created a new cookie!!! I have plans to do dinner and movie tonight with some amazing ladies that are also recovering/in recovery from eating disorders. It has been decided by the woman that runs the organization that I am responsible for bringing cookies for dessert (at the risk of sounding cocky I AM a great baker) and everyone there LOVES my cookies. <BR> <BR> anyway, I decided that I wanted to experiment and so I literally INVENTED a new recipe!! so excited bc it seems like it turned out really well. the tas... Sat, 27 Oct 2012 14:04:55 EST a better day of sorts have had an increase in my daily caloric intake consistently for the last 4-5 days AND I'm glad to say that I don't appear to be ballooning. in fact, it seems like I am fluctuating between a .5-1 lb loss. my goal is to add in a 3rd meal after a week of maintaining this level of increase. IDK what I'll do if I see a consistent gain though. I'm so scared of that. <BR> <BR> I'm really angry about how things have played out and feel abandoned by the nutrition side of my team. trying to just... Thu, 25 Oct 2012 21:30:02 EST asking for help my financial situation has become quite dire. I will spare you all the overwhelming details. It's NOT pretty right now and I can't make ends meet right now. I can't even make it from paycheck to paycheck and I've cut ALL expenses but gas, groceries, medications and treatment costs. anyway, the point of this blog is that I finally bit the bullet and emailed my parents letting them know exactly where things stand right now. waiting to hear back from them but I feel VERY vulnerable right no... Wed, 24 Oct 2012 21:53:33 EST need $5 a day to live (a story) went to an EDA meeting (eating disorders annonymous) tonight and heard a great story/analogy. <BR> <BR> A girl figures out that she needs exactly $5 to live each day. So every day she goes to her mom and asks for $5. Her mom only gives her $2.50 so she can either not take the money and not live. OR she can take the money and then try and figure out how to get the rest of what she needs. <BR> <BR> sometimes our support systems are like this. we go to one person hoping that they can giv... Sun, 21 Oct 2012 22:17:16 EST just keep swimming had my 5k today. didn't have my best run BUT I did manage to do it in 35 mins which is an accomplishment considering I had to walk over a mile to even get to the starting line! after the race I got a bit lost walking back to my car and ended up spending ANOTHER hour walking around and finally ran into a race worker who was picking up the cones from the race and he helped me get to my car. I was so grateful to him and relieved to get back to my car. I was so physically exhausted that I was... Sat, 20 Oct 2012 21:42:54 EST apparently I'm in ketosis ugh. saw my RD on Tuesday and she told me that I'm in ketosis bc I haven't been eating enough in general (And ESPECIALLY not carbs) and exercising too much. she has put limits on my physical activity which I am none too thrilled about. I've really had to step things up these last 2 days and it's been really hard. I'm terrified that I'm going to balloon up and to be honest I'm still 30 lbs away from the goal weight SHE set (mine would be 50 lbs). logically I know that she's top in her fie... Thu, 18 Oct 2012 21:16:46 EST fake it til you make it this seems to be the consensus among my team. I need to fake it til I make it. I have to follow my meal plan, go out with people and not isolate, keep utilizing my support system until I can come out of this dark cave that I've gotten stuck in. just gotta keep faking it until I make it. this feels very daunting to me but I'm going to give it my best and really try to fake it. I mean I'll be honest with my team about how I'm feeling (and my friends too) but I'm going to work really hard o... Sat, 13 Oct 2012 23:02:52 EST thoroughly overwhelmed the proverbial you know what keeps hitting the fan and I just can't cope/deal with it all. I am very close to my breaking point and really struggling to keep it all together. honestly if it weren't for my daughter I would do something incredibly stupid and permanent. but I cannot leave her with that kind of a legacy or thinking that she wasn't good enough. I do not say that lightly or as a joke or for attention. I am being very honest and blunt about where I am. My whole treatment team ... Thu, 11 Oct 2012 23:43:13 EST mediocre this will be a short blog bc spark will not allow the kind of language needed for this. <BR> <BR> got my test results back. I studied my butt off and only managed a a c. really???? a c?? feel like such a failure and like my dreams are slipping through my fingers. <BR> <BR> that is all. I promise I'll be back with happier stuff soon. Tue, 9 Oct 2012 23:19:35 EST I think I can call myself a runner I realized tonight that I started running again nearly a month ago on 9/12. That first run had a pace of 14:07. Tonight I went for a run and the average pace was 11:05! I have always wanted to be able to call myself a runner. I think I can finally do that.....even if it's a slow runner. I am extremely pleased to see such tremendous progress in a month. All of this has been outdoor running....I can do faster on a treadmill but it's not as much fun as an outdoor run. <BR> <BR> struggling... Mon, 8 Oct 2012 22:46:17 EST please read!!! this is the final draft of my poem. I'm pretty happy with it. writing it has been a little bit more motivation to me and my recovery. <em>30</em> I have to admit that I do feel vulnerable putting this out there for the world to see. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> My Body......... <BR> <BR> will never be a size 2, weigh 100 lbs <BR> tall enough for the cat walk <BR> or fit society's standards of beauty <BR> <BR> has been battered, bruised <BR> burned and broken <BR> battled in wa... Thu, 4 Oct 2012 20:51:09 EST my body........amazing first creative writing I've done in over 5 years. it's still super rough and needs revisions but here it is. <BR> <BR> <BR> My Body......... <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Will never be a size 2 <BR> tall enough for the cat walk <BR> or fit society's standards of beauty. <BR> <BR> <BR> has been battered, bruised <BR> burned and broken <BR> battled in wars of my own creation <BR> <BR> <BR> has bent but not broken <BR> been cut more times than I can count <BR> and has healed every time. <BR> ... Wed, 3 Oct 2012 22:22:05 EST at least it's over had my dreaded anatomy midterm today. there was stuff I definitely knew and stuff I definitely did not know. I feel very stupid right now and like I didn't study enough though I know I studied more for this test than I've ever studied for anything in my life. going to take a break from the books until Thursday and then I'll start studying for the final. at least it's over with. now I just gotta wait for the grade. <BR> <BR> it's been an awful food day. tomorrow is another day and I'll ... Tue, 2 Oct 2012 20:53:14 EST tomorrow is D-day tomorrow is my midterm for my anatomy lab. this test counts for 42.5% of my grade. I'm really anxious about it, but I HAVE been studying a lot and I know that if I don't get the grade I want on the test that it's not from lack of effort. I have tomorrow off and am going to be working on last minute review stuff most of the day. I'm feeling okay about the bones, joints, and anatomical names of body. BUT I am super anxious about the tissue samples. that will be what I'm reviewing tomorro... Mon, 1 Oct 2012 22:13:45 EST good bye september you have been a thorn in my side and while you have been a beautiful thorn I am not sad to see you go. I am hoping and praying that October will be better. <BR> <BR> I need a break. I have a fairly easy day at work tomorrow which is good and I have the following day off because of my big anatomy midterm. <BR> <BR> really trying to understand the definition of coping skills and if they are designed to help minimize urges to act in negative ways, or to help reduce the emotions that are caus... Sun, 30 Sep 2012 20:39:09 EST flying leap forward I went out to dinner with my recovery coach tonight. Going out to eat is really difficult for me and something that really scares me but when I'm with her I forget that I have an eating disorder and just feel like a normal person out with friends. She's so great for me!! Anyway, my goal for this dining out experience was to eat something that contained carbs. Carbs scare the beejeezus out of me and I'd rather just not eat them at all but my dietician keeps harping on me that I can't conti... Fri, 28 Sep 2012 22:48:34 EST running makes things more manageable you know, I have ALWAYS wanted to be "a runner". Idk if I can call myself a runner yet, but I'm finding that when I feel lots of turmoil that if I go for a run things feel more manageable and I feel better equipped to fight my demons. just got back from a short 3 mile run.....hahaha.....I NEVER thought I would call a 3 mile run short!! I'm running a 5k with my work in a little less than a month and REALLY want to get my time under 35 minutes. I've got a little ways to go but it's not unre... Thu, 27 Sep 2012 22:52:08 EST who cares if you are not me...who made you king of anything not much to say tonight. <BR> <BR> had an AWESOME hike before therapy this afternoon. the hike was so relaxing and just what I needed. I even discovered a new trail in the park and I thought I had found them all so that was very exciting. the hike wasn't terribly long....only 4.83 miles and took me 1 hr and 38 minutes so not terribly fast either which I wouldn't expect with the hills I was having to climb. <BR> <BR> day 3 is complete. not real sure how I did on my food today. I think i... Wed, 26 Sep 2012 21:56:42 EST vent.......needing encouragement my (ex)husband informed me today that he intends to fight me for primary custody of our daughter. ed is screaming (and so are other non ed things) and I'm devastated at the thought that I could possibly lose my daughter to her pot smoking alcoholic (in recovery from the alcohol supposedly) dad. really struggling. but I ate my stupid dinner anyway. chatting with friends and heading to bed WAY WAY early to try and cope without doing really stupid stuff. walked into my class tonight crying. <BR>... Tue, 25 Sep 2012 22:22:47 EST dusting myself off getting back on the bandwagon and allowing yesterday to just be a blip on the radar instead of allowing it to make me continue to make poor decisions. went for a 2.32 mile run and shaved another 8 seconds off my pace per mile!! yahoo!!! that is a victory in and of itself because my dinner was not sitting well on my stomach and kept threatening to make a repeat experience during the entire run. <BR> <BR> no stupid behaviors today. some not so great choices but much better than yesterday. ... Mon, 24 Sep 2012 22:04:20 EST dove off the cliff today has not been a good day. Today was day 16 and I ended up blowing it tonight. My husband (we are separated and not living together) sent me all kinds of messages trying to bait me into a response. Needless to say it got progressively more upsetting the more I ignored it. <BR> <BR> Not only did I give into my eating disorder and totally act out there, but I also ended up doing something else even more stupid and blew a much longer streak of about 10 weeks. oh well. what can I learn ... Sun, 23 Sep 2012 22:29:43 EST day 15 took last night off from running and I'm really regretting it today. My back is killing me!! to be specific I think it's the sacroilliac joint in my low back. not sure if it's from taking the night off from running or if I tweaked it today when I was holding my 4 yo dd. I went for a short run tonight because I couldn't bear the thought of not running 2 days in a row. it was only 2.25 miles and was a bit slower than my last few runs. oh well. I figure the fact that I did it anyway is a ... Sat, 22 Sep 2012 23:51:14 EST I lied....the breeze was calling me so I did end up going for a run tonight. It was a short run. only 2.03 miles BUT I just set a new personal best for running with a pace of 11:39 which is 48 seconds per mile faster than my previous fast run on Monday!!! super excited bc I didn't think it was going to be a fast run. I was just focusing on how much I was enjoying it and how good it felt to be outside in the cool breeze. Thu, 20 Sep 2012 23:13:21 EST progress not perfection I have hiked and or walked the equivalent of a marathon this week! holy cow. I'm actually sitting here trying to decide if I am going to go for a run tonight or not. part of me wants to go and part of me wants to take the night off. <BR> <BR> I've really been pushing myself today to get more food in. I have managed what seems like an awful lot to me but in reality is probably not quite 2 meals on the meal plan my dietician has me on. progress not perfection and the fact that I've gott... Thu, 20 Sep 2012 21:32:56 EST success this is going to be a super short blog. I have successfully made it through day 11 of no purging! woo hoo go me!! I even increased my intake a little today. of course, I have to start focusing on getting the intake up bc my dietician threatened to take running away from me if I don't fuel adequately. she said that even though I'm not running to purge that it is essentially what's happening and she's worried that I am going to run myself into the ground. really going to start trying hard... Tue, 18 Sep 2012 22:27:28 EST just a running fool/things I learned today I have been a running fool here lately! these cooler fallish evenings get my legs itching to do something and it's a much better thing to do than just sit here watching TV that I don't really care about. I got off early today and was originally supposed to have dinner with a friend so I decided not to go for a hike. instead I came home and went for a short run (2.15 miles) which was AWESOME because I shaved 21 seconds/mile off my fastest pace from last night's run. The urges to use my eat... Mon, 17 Sep 2012 21:57:21 EST