EVILPASSION's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=EVILPASSION EVILPASSION's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Getting to a better place? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5653667 Well, i made this a post and realized its more of a blog. I lost my 27 year old daughter this past month, and haven't been "right" since. sorry, but that is how i feel. i don't even know that i'm back yet....but this last six months has been awful. the worst was february, when penny died from an overdose. Like so many addicts, she had been clean a while and decided to take "one last" dose. RIP, penny lane. the world will miss you, but no where near as much as your mom and sisters will. <BR>... Sat, 22 Mar 2014 02:43:32 EST 4 a.m. and I cannot sleep http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5442928 So I decide to take the dog for a walk, because all I've been able to think about since midnight is Ben and Jerry's and thank goodness the kid is spending the night at friends', or she and I would be on our way to the grocery.... But...I digress. <BR> <BR> Yes indeedy. Dog and I were out in our little town snooping around and who should come barreling down the main drag in a pickup full of teens...at 4 a.m....... in a town so little they could not POSSIBLY have been up to anything good.....b... Sat, 3 Aug 2013 04:30:22 EST So why do i sit here....... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5368069 So why do i sit here <BR> eating these crackers <BR> when I know the calories <BR> make me go quakers <BR> I know that the wheat <BR> makes me feel fatter <BR> makes tummy puffy <BR> and never grow flatter. <BR> I eat and I snack, <BR> I chomp and I chew <BR> and all the good foods <BR> I swear, I eschew. <BR> So why do I do this <BR> when its clearly so bad? <BR> the more that I think <BR> the more i get mad. <BR> <em>198</em> <em>29</em> <em>234</em> Sun, 26 May 2013 01:26:43 EST NutriBullet! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5335556 Finally decided to invest. Works like a dream if you follow the directions. I will give it some time to see if the liquified fruits and veggies works for me -- i love veggies but hate fruits and this is an effort to balance my diet a little. <BR> <BR> This thing can WHIZ. <em>368</em> Thu, 25 Apr 2013 17:52:37 EST So far, so good http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5252243 So even though I ate junk, I stayed below my calorie and carb limit. Trying hard to think of stuff like frozen greek yogurt as alternatives to hardcore junk foods. So far, so good. I could have eaten the whole container, instead of soemthere between a quarter and a half of the container. No matter, it was a long hard day and another will follow tomorrow. Anywhere in the ballpark will work, kthankx. <BR> <BR> Settled on red beans and rice and jambalaya for the service. He loved New Orleans. I... Sat, 16 Feb 2013 03:09:42 EST Another death....... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5251745 2013 has been very stressful. I don't think i know anyone that hasn't had a death either in their family or close circule of friends in 2013. Tomorrow is the service for my dear friend and religous advisor, my "cousin from a different oven". He has been ill a long time now (in his 40s) but the death itself was very quick very quiet, and completely unexpected. <BR> <BR> The family has made the decision to have a small, quiet 'circle' now and a memorial in a couple of months. If you're pagan, ... Fri, 15 Feb 2013 14:38:46 EST Temporarily, my Coffee plan is derailed http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5244661 I spent this week detoxing from coffee. I felt like I was coming off heroin (and I have a child that was addicted to heroin, so we know what it is like). Did real well. I think I finally shook it. <BR> <BR> THEN I GOT SICK. Like S*I*C*K. You guessed it. Coffee was the only thaing that would 1) cut the crud enough that I could swallow and 2) stay down. Not even water would stay down. <BR> <BR> The whole thing made me do lots of thinking about the devil and his temptations while I was halluc... Sun, 10 Feb 2013 03:07:39 EST So it's all on my butt again....... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5205452 Finally forced myself to get back on the scale and yesssss indeed I am back at 280. I'm actually surprised it is not more, but still. The combination of the holidays and a very traumatic death in the family just about did me in. <BR> <BR> Methinks it is back to gluten free....which seems to make a huge difference to my personal weight plan. <BR> <BR> sigh. <em>15</em> Sun, 13 Jan 2013 18:39:33 EST Man made disease: Diabesity http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5189407 In my work, I had a client request that I do a study on "diabesity" for them. I'd never heard of it. Much to my surprise, many parts of the world are calling the combination of diabetes and obesity "diabesity". It's not a very complementary disease; it is completely preventable and completely man-made. We're doing it to ourselves. <BR> <BR> Given my recent mindset, which I've thoughtfully shared (pffft!), I thought I would share other musings, this time on survival, and being fat. I hope it'... Fri, 4 Jan 2013 05:02:59 EST Serves 4 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5187447 Not at my house, it doesn't. <BR> <BR> Scary. Today I made a great casserole (very tasty) that served 4. Carefully I split it up and put half in the fridge for lunch tomorrow. Angel and I had our serving. <BR> <BR> We worried about food all evening. <BR> <BR> I think we have a problem. <BR> <BR> My resolution was not to stop eating anything. Instead, it was to eat a serving size of everything and when possible to add extra veggies to the making of the food. I didn't realize it would be ... Thu, 3 Jan 2013 03:28:04 EST An on-and-off pattern http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5127978 Clearly there's an on-and-off pattern in my behavior! It seems that Spark People is the first thing to go when I'm under stress, even though I'm literally desk-tied. You'd think that with being forced to be on the computer all day, Spark People would be my friend. Instead, it looms over me like a slightly disapproving Governess, a Governess I don't listen to. <BR> <BR> I could go off for ages about what autism is doing to our lives, and how stressful autism is. It's like having a family memb... Thu, 8 Nov 2012 01:19:07 EST The Unofficial I WILL NOT QUIT PLEDGE, passing the spark! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5056214 Wednesday, September 12, 2012 - Fitting pledge for today! <BR> <BR> "Today, I promise I will not quit. <BR> <BR> I pledge that no matter, how many ups and downs I pass through, I will continue on my journey. <BR> <BR> I pledge to make a NEW START today, and forgive myself for my past, and to stop being so critical of myself. <BR> <BR> I pledge to take control of myself, to stop making excuses, and stop blaming other people or situations. <BR> <BR> I pledge to treat myself as I would... Wed, 12 Sep 2012 14:38:18 EST Mystery Vegetable Plant - calling all Gardners http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5053837 Quite late in the season (it took a while to warm up this year) I spotted two mystery plants growing where no one had planted anything. They are huge, now expanding roughly 15 feet into my driveway. These pix were taken about 2 weeks ago. The blooms are far larger than my hand, and the leaves, which were originally about 15" across in the pictures, are now between 19" and 2 feet. BIG boys. We can see some kind of something forming, but whatever it is, better hurry. It's getting chilly at nigh... Tue, 11 Sep 2012 06:03:49 EST New and Healthier Menu? Who are we KIDDING? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5051256 So I ordered takeout Chinese, from a local restaurant who advertises a "new healthier" menu and whose pictures show beautiful, healthy food. So....I got it. Who are they KIDDING? About 1/3 the container was shrimp and veggies, the remainder pork fried rice, heavy emphasis on the fried. The whole thing is swimming in some kind of brown sauce, very heavy on the sauce. Wow, I am so displeased. The broccoli is cooked till olive green and limp......I hope this will let me add two pictures, cause I... Sun, 9 Sep 2012 16:25:27 EST Ch-ch-chANGes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5050676 Got on the scale this morning, what a shock. More poundage has disappeared, surprising since i haven't really done anything but work this week. All of my "snug" jeans fit, which is good since the "regular" jeans don't. My one pair of "target" jeans...are still a target. And of course, my goal of wearing my daughter's jeans is still quite a goal and since it's September, I don't really know if I'll make it by Christmas, but wouldn't it be fun? <BR> <BR> Maybe the biggest difference is in how ... Sun, 9 Sep 2012 08:28:03 EST Continuing to plug along...... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5040817 so my weight has not gone up but BOY was I hungry today. Not sure why, except maybe going for Chinese made me want more? We didn't eat much at the restaurant but I was hungry all day. <BR> <BR> Or, it could be that I'm thinking of dating and maybe I'm not ready. Not sure. Who knows.....but at least life is on a more or less even keel. <em>100</em> Sun, 2 Sep 2012 06:51:56 EST A good time was had by all.....NOT. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5017409 Spent much of the day working outside. <em>198</em> Kid complaining, endless whining and hateful talk. I know WHY she does it, but it doesn't help when I'm on the receiving end of endless vitriol. Finally said something inappropriate to her and of course then she nagged on that for about 3 hours. <BR> <BR> It's not just me, she treats everyone like this and doesn't understand why she has trouble keeping friends. Autism sucks. <BR> <BR> Made pasta salad for my friends. I love to cook, lov... Wed, 15 Aug 2012 23:41:53 EST My New Goal http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5012665 well....a mini-goal? Is to fit into Angel's jeans by Christmas. She's 183 right now, but about 3 inches shorter than me..... <BR> <BR> Cheaper than going out and buying a pair of "target size" jeans! Sun, 12 Aug 2012 21:21:29 EST almost 20 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5012355 at one point i had gained up to 289 +, now I'm hovering around 270. Part of this is that I've been busy and not hanging around the stove and fridge. I've also been worried about something, and not really feeling like eating. Blue cheese and donuts is NOT balanced.......! I guess in my own way, I'm on a bender. However, I have a chicken in the oven and tonight will involve real food. <BR> <BR> Back to work. I need to do my work work so I can finish up the living room and get the exercise th... Sun, 12 Aug 2012 17:10:41 EST I blew it and I enjoyed every morsel. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5007236 This has been a hard week. (Which week isn't?) <BR> I have been relatively good, though not enough exercise or veggies. <BR> Made a plan to get the car key. <BR> Cooked some burgers (oh yeah, catsup is a veggie, so I am fine). <BR> Put some stuff on Freecycle and some of it is already gone. <BR> Unpacked three boxes. <BR> Continued to organize kitchen. <BR> Began to drink. <BR> Don't worry, I mixed the Boone's farm fuzzy navel with green tea, so it's okay. Ate a Reese's ice cream bar. <BR> An... Wed, 8 Aug 2012 20:12:37 EST The frustration continues..... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5004376 So we decided to go to dinner (not that I needed fast food calories). Told the kid to get the keys and that's when it hit the fan. The keys, it seems, are "someplace" and "someone" put them there. Okay, the kiddo is nearly 17, but autism is a wicked thing indeed. For about 2 hours we rattled around looking for the keys with me getting angrier. Finally called a friend to see if he could break into the car. He brought his wife. Having them here essentially defused my frustration. <BR> <BR> Al... Tue, 7 Aug 2012 00:00:59 EST Oh, this is sad. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5002938 Seven AM and I'm at 600 calories already. Too much coffee followed by a microwave "grilled" cheese. Let's hope the day gets more self-control! <em>101</em> Mon, 6 Aug 2012 06:59:19 EST YEAH!!! A pleaseant day!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4966496 This day has been long, isn't over yet by any means....but so far it has been a good day. Kid went with me to Romney, and spent some time in the library while I went to an appointment. Got a snack on the way back -- too many chips, should have just had a sweet drink at McDonald's and ENJOYED the calories. <BR> <BR> Mowed the front, partly mowed the back. No small feat given the height of the grass, which ranged from 6 inches grass to 24 inches "something". If it is nice again tomorrow maybe ... Thu, 12 Jul 2012 00:29:27 EST I stopped at two!!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4964807 spent the afternoon being chased around the house by the screaming teen and the afternoon with the therapists trying to deal with the screaming teen. Wow. She did so many very weird and downright...........commitable......things today, with them there, that the whole thing is terribly sad. After every act, the screeching "I want my computer back!". <BR> <BR> Well......it is clear that someone has an addiction, and this is not a good thing. It is not only an addiction, it is a raging addicti... Wed, 11 Jul 2012 00:16:41 EST In the Still of the Night...... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4963278 Just finished taking out the trash for the trash guys, something I haven't had to do on a regular basis for a few years now. Stayed outside a bit, nice breeze and even the bar across the road was quiet. Kiddo, She of the Violent Temper, was in her bed wrapped up in her mink blanket, door uncharacteristically open. Probabaly afraid I'll run away from home. <BR> <BR> I've thought of it. <BR> <BR> We talked a little bit this evening. She wants her computer back tomorrow. No matter how many ti... Tue, 10 Jul 2012 02:49:16 EST What a miserable day. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4962583 My teenaged daughter, who is a pill most of the time (she has autism, and don't ever let anyone tell you autism isn't a challenge) has been horrid today. Horrid. It culminated in her throwing a 400$ plus computer on the floor as hard as she could, because she was told to do a job. Computer, laptop and cell are gone now, whisked away to the land of Mama's Not Going to Keeping Buying You Stuff. <BR> <BR> After having been chastised by all of the social workers for not contacting the police, I ... Mon, 9 Jul 2012 16:45:33 EST I feel a change coming on http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4955892 So this week, my domestic partner moved out, though he still has stuff around here that he will need to return to collect; that's okay. I miss his company when he's not here, through this is definitely for the best. <BR> <BR> I am increasingly feeling what Christians would refer to as a "pressure on my heart" or "the still small voice of God" to make a particular change, one which I just don't feel comfortable discussing yet. It is too new.....and perhaps too close to the huge change I've j... Thu, 5 Jul 2012 04:37:56 EST Losing 300 pounds in a three month period http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4942628 Since my post of December 2011, I have come to realize that someone who doesn't want to take care of themself simply can't be forced. If they don't want to help themselves, begging won't work, lecturing won't work, being logical won't work. <BR> <BR> It has been very hard indeed for me to realize that if two people are unevenly matched, the one who cares the least .... will "win". That "win" goes firmly in the loss column, but they think they are winning for sure. <BR> <BR> It one person i... Tue, 26 Jun 2012 03:52:46 EST Starting all over again.......? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4800115 Seems like I am always trying to start over. I think this time I will take the added step of putting things in my day planner, so that I have some accountability to ME. <BR> <BR> The domestic partner is still here, still drinking sodas, still expanding, still a computaholic. <BR> <BR> I'm the only thing I can change. <BR> <BR> Thu, 22 Mar 2012 16:43:59 EST Well.....Divine intervention? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4615841 So the domestic partner is home from work until Dec 17, after nearly collapsing the other day when we were at McDonald's. And, yes, I know we should not have been at McDonald's, but the reality was, we were. After he ate, he came back from the bathroom grey, shuffling, and confused, clutching his chest. Right side, colder than the left. Refused an ambulance so I drove him to the nearest ER. <BR> <BR> After determining he had heart arrythmia, his bp was very high and his blood sugar was just ... Wed, 7 Dec 2011 03:51:52 EST Do I want to Find him Dead? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4610030 I've been largely unsuccessful at this -- and have worried sick for my partner, who is radically disinterested in taking care of himself beyond where the next twinkie is coming from. Make that CASE of twinkies. <BR> <BR> I don't know if I can enable him any more. If he won't take any responsibility for his own actions -- and he won't -- then I have to either accept that I may find him dead in my bed any time now, or get that call from his work -- or I may have to end the relationship rather ... Fri, 2 Dec 2011 23:31:37 EST A couple of rough days http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4352370 Without going into pitiful detail, we've been having trouble with a local bar, one which is way too close to the house and which brings in way too much tax money to this little burg. Between the bar, which we'll politely call YourPlace, and the German Shepard Jerry Lee (what a saga that is), and the resulting lung inflammation (yup, longgggg story) I've been both sick and busy. I have, however, been watching the intake. Well.....not one day. One day Steve took me to dinner to relax and took m... Sun, 10 Jul 2011 01:10:31 EST It caught up with me. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4076664 Sure enough, the turkey and potatoes from the past few days showed up on the scale. Today, it's back to eating better and paying attention to what I eat. Took A to the dentist and had to stop on the way back; she was nauseous from the taste of the fluoride treatment and the sealant. We stopped at Sheetz -- what a name, huh? but great place -- and got her lunch and me a mocha with skim, sugarless vanilla and chocolate. Wonderful pick me up. I was right at that point where it was going to be a ... Tue, 8 Mar 2011 16:20:23 EST Of Cinnamon buns and Fast Food Brekkies http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4074486 Today started off bad from a nutrition standpoint when my friend wanted to take me to breakfast (fast food) instead of the nice brekkie we'd planned. Right now, fast food joints are like taking drugs for me. I ended up having a ham croissanwich (which I DEARLY love) which came with breakfast potatoes (which I split with Angel). A cup of coffee, heavy on the creamer, and I was well into carb heaven. TWO cups of coffee and the walmart cream-cheese frosted cinnamon bun sitting there calling my n... Mon, 7 Mar 2011 21:38:40 EST Workin' and Movin' to keep warm! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=1707218 Today is terribly cold here in Ridgeley WV. It is 22 when the thermometer is in the sun and the last radio forecast I heard suggested it might get subzero tonight. Brrrrrrr. I had the thermometer set on 67 and the heater wasn't even pausing. Moved it down to 60, then I froze. The solution was clearly to bundle up and move. Move, but do WHAT? <BR> <BR> I'm rennovating my old house, personally, and very very very slowly. I do't think I said "slowly" enough to describe how slowly <em>18</em> ... Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:46:13 EST starting all over again...... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=1698348 yet again! there are some issues in my house that absolutely contribute to my food issues, including the fact that everything that isn't nailed down, A eats. I could deal with that EXCEPT for the fact that she will eat a week's worth of food at one time. I am going crazy trying to figure out how to support us, and she will eat a pound of cheese at one sitting and then throw a tantrum because she is "hungry" (she's autistic). <BR> <BR> Jars of applesauce, cans of anything except tomatoes or b... Wed, 14 Jan 2009 11:44:23 EST