ERINLINDSAY83's SparkPeople Blog ERINLINDSAY83's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community In an awful, terrible, rotten place; mentally and spiritually. Lots of awful, random things on my mind. This will probably seriously upset or offend some people. I’m sorry. I need to vent; need to get it out. It’s just swarming in my head, poisoning me further . My soul feels grey rather than brilliant white. I’m bitter, angry, frustrated, exhausted, etc. <BR> <BR> Popular quotes of encouragement, inspiration, strength, etc., just do not apply wholly to someone with chronic pain or illness. Take, for example a popular quote from Charles R. Swindoll ... Mon, 12 Oct 2015 16:51:14 EST Hospital x 2 Update on Older Sis (Ali): She still hasn't spoken a word to us. She unfriended everyone on FB, as did her husband. *sigh* Can only keep praying for her and hope she comes to her senses. I hope she is staying sober! <BR> <BR> Update on Daily Headaches: Still pounding bad everyday; worse than historically, probably due to stress and lack of sleep (which is also due to stress.) I do have a prescription now for Ambien, since I was only sleeping 2- 3 hours a night. But, that can't be taken ever... Mon, 12 Oct 2015 10:43:13 EST Weekend in Michigan My Aunties (and uncles and cousins) live in Grand Rapids MI. We see them twice a year, which is quite sad since we all have so much fun together! This fall we decided to make the trek over to see them, rather than them coming by us. Dad, Sis Ash, Niece Maddie and the two pups headed over on Thursday morning. (Hubs was supposed to come but I messed up on scheduling for his band and they booked a gig. My fault, so they couldn't cancel.) It's about a 5 hour drive, but it's a nice drive that pas... Wed, 7 Oct 2015 15:48:32 EST Eye Update and Vacation So I had my eye appointment yesterday. (See previous blog.) Long story short, the doc thinks I am having worse migraines than I "realize" or "give myself credit for." He thinks I have them more frequently and just brush them off as a "regular headache." This logically seems like a 'danger' of chronic pain...I'm so "used" to having pounding headaches, I don't realize when one is a severe migraine. (I also worry that someday I'll have a brain tumor or aneurysm and not realize it because I'm so... Wed, 30 Sep 2015 14:13:31 EST Eyes So I've been noticing for weeks that my pupils have been different sizes on and off. (I've noticed this for a few years, but it would only have once or twice a month and the eye doctor that I work with, spoke to but didn't see for an appointment, said that it was likely related to the daily headaches and chronic migraines. Seemed to make sense.) <BR> <BR> However, it seems to be daily now; sometimes for an hour, sometimes the whole day. Sometimes only slightly noticeable, sometimes so notice... Mon, 28 Sep 2015 16:49:35 EST Strange New Issue? Saturday afternoon, after we were hiking, I noticed my headache was absolutely pounding worse than usual. I have a prescription for Percocet, that I use maybe twice a month, in cases where I cannot tolerate the migraine pain. I took a Percocet and we left the campsite headed for the Mini Golf Park. On the way I felt like I was getting car-sick. I do get some amopunt of motion sickness when I take a Percocet, but it was getting worse and worse. Over the 20 minute drive, I was so unbelievably d... Mon, 21 Sep 2015 13:07:47 EST Camping! <BR> <BR> Hubby is a very busy guy. Unless I "request" a full weekend about a year in advance, he usually has a band gig at least once a weekend. I noticed about a month ago that he had no gigs this past weekend, so I jumped on it and booked a camping trip! I knew we had the Alzheimer's Walk on Saturday, so I booked a site at the local State Park. (We do a lot of hiking there but have never camped there.) <BR> <BR> Friday's forecast was awful. Severe rain/storms all evening/night. Great... Mon, 21 Sep 2015 10:44:26 EST Emotions Running High *Warning: Rambly blog about a whole bunch of random crap !* <BR> <BR> First, I have to follow-up my Grandpa post. I mentioned I visited and prayed a bunch with him. (He told me he had prayed for me to have peace amidst the storms, for a while after I left. ) That was Tuesday night. Wednesday I worked my usual 8a-8p shift at work. It was a good day. I was just in a GOOD mood. It was the first time I'd felt GOOD in weeks. All interactions with Sis (Ash) were fun and lighthearted. My co-worker... Fri, 18 Sep 2015 11:25:01 EST Grandpa So as I mentioned a few days ago, when I went to do my weekly "chores" by Grandma and Grandpa's house on Saturday, I found out he was in the hospital. (But, since my Mom's siblings are all a bunch of jerks, no one would talk to me enough for me to have any idea what was going on.) I'm super clsoe to Grandpa, so in addition to the other major stressors in my life, I was worrying about him as well. I'd been calling daily to see if he was home from the hospital yet, and last night he called me ... Wed, 16 Sep 2015 10:22:43 EST Blessings... As I was laying awake in bed last night, as I have been most nights the past few weeks, I thought only about my blessings. I've been so weighed down by insane amounts of stress and health issues and it's been taking it's toll on me physically and mentally. Last night I was finally able to calm my brain and just dwell on all my blessings. Given how much I've blogged about the negatives lately, I figured I'd blog about the positives, to really solidify them in my thoughts. <BR> <BR> My husban... Tue, 15 Sep 2015 17:39:53 EST Where Do I Even Begin.....? I'm exhausted. (Read previous two blogs for a more thorough update...). Friday I got a call from my Sister's (younger Sis, Ash) neighbor, saying she busted her knee and was headed to the hospital, and I needed to pick her daughter up from school. Well, I was at work, and have missed/left work several days in the past few weeks taking care of my older Sis. I called said Older Sis, to see if she could pick my niece up from school, even though she isn't allowed to have Maddie alone, until she go... Mon, 14 Sep 2015 11:41:38 EST Update on Sis.... So last I posted about some major stress with Sis I was dealing with.... when I'd left it, she had a few days without talking to anyone. That in itself is super odd, since we're all very close. Well Wednesday I was at work, and had heard from Dad and other Sis, that Ali (older Sis) was "drunk-texting" people gibberish, accidentally calling then hanging up after one ring, etc. <BR> <BR> Around 5pm (I work 8a-8p) on Wednesday last week, Ali called my phone, and I am always willing to help, ev... Wed, 9 Sep 2015 13:47:18 EST So so so so Stressed I need to blog. I need to get it out, but I'm not sure how much I want to share. This will be LONG. <BR> <BR> A few tidbits you need to know before I divulge any info.... <BR> <BR> 1.) My older Sis Ali was diagnosed with Lupus about 4 years ago. She's been on every well known and lesser known med, including immuno-suppressants and a form of chemotherapy. NOTHING has ever helped her Lupus. 3 Years ago she had to stop working, because she is just too sick. She was one that would work 50 hour... Wed, 2 Sep 2015 17:57:22 EST Six Years Tomorrow will mark 6 years since the day hubs and I 'fell in love'!!! (Went out to lunch, as friends, and were basically inseparable after that.) <BR> <BR> We've been through A LOT. We've dealt with his ex, HATING me for no reason, treating me like crap, talking down about me to anyone who will listen, and for the first few years following hubs to his band gigs and crying/begging him to come back to her. It's been trying. (Still is, as we are co-parenting...) <BR> <BR> Also dealt with a... Fri, 28 Aug 2015 10:26:28 EST Bored, Q's! Would you rather go into the past and meet your ancestors or go into the future and meet your great-great grandchildren? <BR> ~Wouldn't that depend on my ability to have chlidren? <BR> <BR> Would you rather have more time or more money? <BR> ~Personally, money. I have enough time. But, if I could give hubby more time, I would choose that so we could see each other more! <BR> <BR> Would you rather have a rewind button or a pause button on your life? <BR> ~Pause. No point in rewinding things... Fri, 14 Aug 2015 11:35:08 EST Beauty of Normalcy My husband is a busy, busy man. Add into that equation my odd work schedule and having 2 kids with us, part time, and I really don't get much quality time with him. We get a "date night" maybe every couple months....? We see each other a few hours a week, usually in passing, and frequently with a child. (Not complaining; love the time we get to spend with his daughter and my niece.) <BR> <BR> Well this weekend we found ourselves with time together. He didn't have to work, he wasn't teachin... Mon, 10 Aug 2015 11:38:20 EST Yesterday So this entire week, I've had an awful migraine. Cannot get it to go away, no matter what I take or do. ( I worked an extra 12 hour shift on Tuesday as well, so I'm sure that didn't help anything. ) I'm used to having a headache everyday, but this week's has just been exceptionally bad. <BR> <BR> So yesterday I was off, but had Miss Emma all day. Not a problem, she's a good kid, but I had a lot of stuff I was supposed to do. <BR> <BR> The day started off with a dentist appointment, which ... Fri, 7 Aug 2015 10:25:52 EST Weekend in Indy/Best Hubs Ever! Hubby's band books a 3-gig weekend in Indiana (Lafayette and Indianapolis) every 6 weeks. (We are from north of Milwaukee.) I've never made the trip down, because they leave Thursday morning and I work Fridays. This past weekend my schedule got messed up and I had Friday off, so I decided to head down with them! <BR> <BR> We left Friday morning (the Thursday night show was cancelled due to construction, so just two shows this trip.) It's typically a 4 hour drive to get to the hotel in Lafaye... Wed, 5 Aug 2015 09:44:45 EST Life On Friday, I updated the Team Page for our family's Walk To End Alzheimer's fundraising page. <BR> (Here it is if you want to peek!) <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> It was's always hard when I think about Mom. Often, something will trigger a great memory of her, but I soon find myself in tears, knowing I won't get to make any new memories with her. Age 54 is too young to die, especially from Alzheimer's. It's been almost a year since she passed ,... Mon, 27 Jul 2015 13:32:41 EST Book Review - "Respectable Sins" "Respectable Sins" - Jerry Bridges <BR> <BR> 5/5 Stars! Wow!!!! <BR> <BR> <BR> This is a must-read for any and every christian, no matter where you are in your walk with Christ. The book guides us to think about the things we do/think/say on a regular basis, that are sins, but are generally ignored by Christians, because they don't seem as "serious" as other grievous sins. <BR> <BR> When I do book reviews, I like to include excerpts; phrases that I've found myself having underlined. ... Wed, 22 Jul 2015 17:48:41 EST Weekend in Pics! <img src=""> <BR> Friday night, hubs' band played at the local airport, that was having a Wittmann Fly-In. (Kind of a pre EAA party.) I brought both of the girls to see the show after work. They got to look at a bunch of airplanes, see them all taking off and landing, and listen to a super fun band, dancing the night away! <BR> <BR> <img src=" Mon, 20 Jul 2015 09:18:10 EST BFFs Short note: I was talking to a friend at work yesterday. She said she had been looking at all our pics (me and hubs) from our camping trip. She said "I love looking at the pics you post about all your trips. It's just fun to look at them. It seems like you guys are just absolute best friends always having fun!" <BR> <BR> *smile* <BR> <BR> That's because, get this, we ARE best friends, and we ARE always having fun together! It's nice to hear that our love is so awesome and apparent that peo... Tue, 14 Jul 2015 12:39:34 EST Copper Falls - Day 4 Day 4, Saturday...was one of the best days of my LIFE. It was prefect. (WOuld ghave been a bit better had hubs not had to go get the truck fixed and could have slept in and had a big breakfast with me, but, oh well!) We headed out to Saxon Falls. (About a 45 minute drive from the park.) This was my favorite falls when we went in 2013, so I was super excited to head back. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> It is a ... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 16:17:25 EST Copper Falls - Day 3 Friday we woke up and, as expected, were pretty sore from the extensive hiking trip we did the day prior. We decided to hang out at the campground for the day. Copper Falls state park has a nice little beach. After a big breakfast of bacon, sausage and eggs (we love cooking over the fire!) we headed down to the beach. We layed around for almost two hours, just relaxing and soaking up some sun. Twas spectacular! <BR> <BR> <img src=" Mon, 13 Jul 2015 15:14:06 EST Copper Falls - Day 2 Day two, after a hearty breakfast of Corned Beef Hash ove rthe fire (yum!) we decided to head out to Superior Falls. It is about a45 minute drive from the park. The walk down to the shore of Lake Superior from this parking area is SUPER steep. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> We spent a bit of time hanging out on the shore. It is a "beach" of rounded rocks. Of course Josiah spent a lot of time skipping rocks. (He's f... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:41:10 EST Copper Falls - Day 1 Every year hubs and I take one "big" camping trip. Usually 3 nights, 4 days somewhere. This year I booked 4 nights, 5 days up at our favorite park, Copper Falls. <BR> <img src=""> <BR> It is about a 6 hour drive for us. (People grimace a bit when we tell them that, but we love the drive. It is very scenic and we just enjoy each others' company, so the car ride is pleasant! <BR> <BR> We got to the park around 3p... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 13:26:42 EST Such a bad Christian.... I've posted before about my short-comings as a Christian, and I'm sure I will continue to do so. Because, simply stated, I am a very flawed human. <BR> <BR> So this blog needs a bit of a preface... <BR> <BR> We switched churches in 2013, after my attending the previous church for about 15 years. (This is where I met hubby.) Hubs polayed on the praise team for almost 10 years. We were very active, attending Bible studies, volunteering at church functions, etc. <BR> <BR> We were approa... Wed, 1 Jul 2015 11:39:15 EST Giving Up Well, blah blah blah, headaches everyday for 16+ years, blah blah blah. <BR> So I've been seeing a new chiropractor for a few months now. Shortly after I began seeing him, my neck started to get sore (much more than usual, and differently.) It's so stiff and tight and sore it's VERY difficult to drive. I have to turn my whole torso to change lanes or turn and such. I mentioned it to him reight away and we both agreed it was just a temporary thing; my muscles are getting "angry" as my spine ... Tue, 30 Jun 2015 19:06:37 EST Camping - Pics! We took the kiddo camping this weekend. I had to work until 5 on Friday, so we left around 6pm Friday evening. Headed up (just over an hour drive) and got set up right away. (Sadly, in that time I realized I forgot the bag with all of the stuff in it for Emma to do, including a nice big camping scavenger hunt that she was excited to do, and her flip flops! Parenting fail. Ugh.) <BR> <BR> After we got the site set up , we walked back a few yards to the cliff edge that was just behind the si... Mon, 29 Jun 2015 10:45:40 EST Completely Random Brilliant Idea I go to Physical Therapy twice a week to try and treat neck pain caused by or causing (doctors still can't figure any of it out) the daily pounding headaches. I went to counseling on/off for many years as a result of a very abusive (physically, mentally, sexually, etc) relationship I was in shortly before I met hubby and a nutcase stalker that harassed me for many years. <BR> <BR> My PT is basically just deep tissue massage to try and get some of the muscles to chill out after I see my chi... Fri, 26 Jun 2015 15:56:25 EST Headaches, Camping, New Book Update on the headaches....having a lot of ups and downs (weeks at a time they seem to be waning, then the next few weeks they seem worse than usual.) I'm thinking this could be historically how they've been, and I'm just paying more attention to them than I ever had, in hopes of finding some way to tame them. Unsure. For now, still seeing Chiropractor twice a week and Physical Therapy twice a week, abstaining from Apsartame, and taking several mineral and herbal supplements. (Meanwhile, I f... Wed, 24 Jun 2015 13:40:33 EST Dad's Birthday and a Hike - Pics From April through October, my Dad stays permanently (aside from coming home for doc appointments,) at his camper inWaupaca (WI.) We head up to visit him when we can. (It's much easier for my Sisters....I don't get up there too much... what with having a full time job and a family, lol.) Anyways, his birthday was June18th, and Father's Day of course, so I scheduled my Physical Therapy and Chiropractor appointments (every Tuesday and Thursday for me...ugh) for early in the morning so I could m... Mon, 22 Jun 2015 10:49:53 EST Book Review - "Reincarnation: The Missing Link in Christianity" My introduction.... I am a devout Christian. I was raised in the church, stepped away to make my own decisions, came back and never left again. Mainstream Christianity has no room for the ideas of reincarnation. However, having read several stories of reincarnation , where small children are able to identify people and places in detail that they've never met or been to, I am not convinced that reincarnation isn't real. (Whoa.....major double negatives going on! ) <BR> <BR> I decided to look... Wed, 17 Jun 2015 16:26:36 EST Hiking - Pics Went out for a short hike after work today. Ran into a few animal friends! <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Fri, 12 Jun 2015 21:33:31 EST Low Budget Fashionista..... For 3 years now I have done a Low Budget Fashion Blog. <BR> <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> I've been super stressed lately, and the desire to do the blog is waning. <BR> <BR> On Friday last week my purse was stolen (maybe I'll blog about that later...if I feel like it, lol) and in it was my camera. I use the camera to take the photos for my blog. I use my camera exclusively for these pics. I rarely use my phone to take pics ever, my camera is with me AT ALL ... Wed, 10 Jun 2015 10:26:16 EST OCD, PL, ADD I feel like people toss around terms WAY too much sometimes. <BR> <BR> For example, so many people say "Oh I'm so OCD about this." or "Oh my OCD is kicking in." OCD is a real, diagnosed medical condition, and people just casually applying it to themselves because they are passionate about things or like things organized in a certain way is just annoying to me. It seems like someone who actually has the disorder would be offended by people just casually using the term, because they are actu... Fri, 5 Jun 2015 11:22:54 EST My Pride - Follow Up Last year on this day I wrote a blog about some MAJOR pride I was dealing with. I wanted to revisit to see how I've dealt with it. <BR> Here is the blog: <BR> <link><BR>urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5709999 </link> <BR> <BR> Well.....since the blog, several more nasty things happened; Mom died, I had a miscarriage, and a few other obnoxious 'personal' things. <BR> <BR> So, how am I doing? Perhaps slightly better? Often I have people say their head hur... Wed, 3 Jun 2015 13:09:17 EST Camping - Pics! Given my husband's insanely busy schedule, (I literally have to black out weekends with him many, many months in advance, ) this weekend was our first camping trip of the season. (We usually go out a bit earlier, but, oh well!) We headed to Willow River State Park in Wisconsin. <BR> <BR> Friday morning, after my Sis picked up my niece (who spends a few nights a week at our house,) we got set to head out of town (7 am.) We set out on the 5 1/2 hour drive early, and quickly saw the rain cloud... Mon, 1 Jun 2015 21:48:56 EST Zoo Field Trip Yesterday was my step-daughter's school field trip to the zoo! She'd asked me a few weeks ago if I would go with her. (Parents are welcomed and encouraged, not just as chaperones.) I didn't have to work, so of course! She was so excited to see me show up at school! It was sweet. <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Checking out the penguins! <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=" Fri, 22 May 2015 11:13:37 EST Camp Timber-Lee 2015 ..See the previous blog for explanation of this camp and the kids who attend....! :-) <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> This is the group we had this year. Ages 2nd - 10th grade. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Carpet ball is a HUGE deal at this camp. I've never seen it or heard of it anywhere else, but the kids (and chaperones) love it! <BR> ... Mon, 18 May 2015 14:41:24 EST Camp Chaperones My closest friend Kristin runs a ministry called Helping Hands. She rents and apartment in a complex in the "ghetto." Every Wednesday she holds a "Sunday School" class and brings Christ into this area for these kids. She has a group of about 20 kids that come regularly. She holds the Sunday School in the main living area. In the bedroom, she has a "store". She takes food and clothing donations. When the kids notice they don't have food or clothes at home...they are welcome to "shop" and take ... Fri, 15 May 2015 11:44:18 EST Neurologist Update Last week I went to the neurologist. My fourth neurologist in a long line of specialists trying to fix my issue of daily headaches/migraines that I've been dealing with for 16 + years. (Peruse previous blogs for snippets of things I've tried (basically everything.)) <BR> <BR> Back up just a sec... The night before the appointment, I had begun to have second thoughts about going. Through regular chiropractoc appointments and religious at-home physical therapy strecthing, I had gotten my d... Wed, 13 May 2015 14:14:59 EST In Tears... My Sisters and I were raised in the in church three days a week, every week. I stayed in that life (well, church once a week, fell away for a short time, but never really abandoned the lifestyle, just the building, if that makes sense.) Both sisters fell away. Throughout the years I came back stronger than ever, I attend church every week, (to a point that if I miss it I feel weird all week.) I read my Bible almost daily. I attend Bible Study weekly, and have homework from that d... Fri, 8 May 2015 15:36:44 EST Yesterday Not a special blog...just a recap of yesterday.... struggles with new meds, and goings on. <BR> <BR> Well, to update, I saw a new neurologist on Tuesday (my fourth, in a long line of specialists to try and fix the daily headaches.) He decided to put me back on Topamax, a drug I had tried several years ago, but had gone off of, but couldn't remember why. I may remember why now... <BR> <BR> After just one pill, I no longer like soda. I'm not a huge soda drinker....I drink one soda a day. But... Fri, 8 May 2015 12:06:22 EST Lots of Random Thoughts and Much Gratefulness. Ok.......hopefully you all got to check out my laughing blog I posted last week....still giggling about it! <BR> <BR> First things first , I just need to brag on my step-daughter! <BR> <BR> This girl is such a go-getter! Emma is so smart and loves having fun and being creative. If she wakes up before us, instead of turning the tv on and plopping on the couch to watch mindless cartoons, she gets out her painting supplies or writes a book. So awesome! <BR> <BR> She LOVES being outside! We... Mon, 4 May 2015 13:42:20 EST Have to Laugh.... So, I've been wanting another piercing for years now. I have 8, but I just like them. I recently saw an article saying that Daith piercings have given relief to a handful of people suffering chronic headaches/migraines (because they are on a certain pressure point) ! Well sign me up! It certainly isn't guaranteed by any means, but if nothing comes relief-wise, at least I've got a cute new piercing! <BR> <BR> So I go to the piecring place yesterday and I have the article printed up, with th... Fri, 1 May 2015 16:16:45 EST Q's Who is your hero? <BR> ~Paul....? As in, the apostle Paul. To go from persecuting Christians to teaching about Christ seems like it would have been hard (embarassing?) but he did it! <BR> <BR> If you could live anywhere, where would it be? <BR> ~On a lot with a lot of land outside of Chattanooga Tennessee! Someday....! <BR> <BR> What is your biggest fear? <BR> ~Death of loved ones. Already lost my Mom tragically. I can't handle any more! <BR> <BR> What is your favorite family vacation? ... Tue, 28 Apr 2015 14:43:45 EST Well they say the 1st year of marriage is the toughest.... Well they say the 1st year of marriage is the toughest for any couple, regardless of outside circumstances. Right now, I feel the need to swoon publicly. <BR> <BR> We had our 1 year wedding anniversary on Easter Sunday (April 5th.) We are happy as can be! I mean like..... disgustingly in-love, mushy, puppy-love happy. We've faced challenges that many couples don't have to deal with in their first year... (if ever.) <BR> <BR> Since we got married we've dealt with: <BR> <BR> ~My Mom's dea... Wed, 22 Apr 2015 17:04:40 EST Miscarriage Well labs came back and I officially miscarried my little bitty baby. Tough news to swallow after basically being told since I was 18 when I had my first pelvic surgery that it'd be extremely difficult to conceive. ( I have severe endometriosis and chronic ovarian cysts, and even had had one of my ovaries removed.) <BR> <BR> It's actually been 2 1/2 weeks since I officially miscarried (when the severe pain and cramping happened, though I didn't think much of it because my body is bunk and I... Sat, 18 Apr 2015 19:08:02 EST Kinda Freaking Out So I found out this morning I'm pregnant! Eee!!!!!!! Been wanting it for a long time. I was told it would basically never happen given my history. I have one ovary, severe endometriosis, and chronic ovarian cysts. Basically my stuff is covered in scar tissue and conception would be near impossible. SO...whoa!!!!!! <BR> <BR> Buuuut, I've been bleeding for 2 1/2 weeks (not good...) with pelvic pain and crazy pain during sex. <BR> <BR> So, I had the blood test...they think I'm either 4 wee... Tue, 14 Apr 2015 15:25:46 EST