ELDIBORPAST's SparkPeople Blog

Quick Post, Old Me Style

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 19:04:11 EST

JUst a quick blog, nothing deep or crazy.

Decided to do measurements today, to feel better. It helped. Won't list them all on here, but I feel like my waist and hips are down (even if my arms are up)

Working on the arms, though. Started doing 100 push ups challenge, which will help with the tone I lost before. I've also started doing this belly dancing dvd for fun, less of a workout plan than a new hobby to try.

It IS a workout, I've found. So far I'm on...

Wheezy McWheezerson

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 21:45:15 EST

Yeah, so much for regular exercise.

Work finally did me in. I've joked for months that I was slowly driving myself into the ground. End of August my allergies kicked in, I felt a bit ill, kept working. Got a cough, kept working all my long shifts.

Told everyone what would be the point of calling out when I've have to come back in the next six days anyway. Might as well work myself to death and get a week when I snapped.

So I did. Not on purpose, but I ran ...

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 21:28:14 EST

So, I'm back. Again.

First blog post in over a year. Spent most of that year miserable, and working myself to death. And regaining weight. Duh. That's why I'm back.

But things are better now, better than any of my previous attempts. I went to the doctor in February, 274 on the scale, and puking with anxiety. Got new meds, circled through a bunch of them, but they all had a similar side effect-- weight loss via loss of appetite. First med check was down 6, then 5...

Where have all my blogs gone?

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 18:09:40 EST

Apparently, I have no written a blog on here for almost a month.

This is not acceptable. I've been writing in my writing blog (a bit sporadically, but still posting) so there is no excuse for not posting here as well.

Today has been FANTASTIC. This whole week has been great, but today rocked.

I've been avoiding the scale, because recently it's been around 275/279. Or at least, it WAS.

I've been trying to be more physically active during...

This is Not A Happy Time

Sun, 29 May 2011 23:08:40 EST

But I'm making myself blog because I said I would. Writing about other stuff is easy but writing about failure is hard.

My other blog has been lacking lately due to stress, but not half as much as this one.

I'm ashamed. There's no other way to put it. I went to post a new photo, but then I realized I don't have one. I haven't let anyone near me with a camera for quite a while.

I can't make myself smile.

I've been sick, off and on for a while n...

I can't quit

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 12:23:29 EST

I just can't. There is no stopping, waiting for nothing. Even if I refuse to act, the world still turns, and time still passes, and people around me are still accomplishing things.

So even if I'm depressed and feel alone and everything in my life is a chaotic mess, I have to DO SOMETHING.

Officially I'm MIA from SP because trying to do much of anything that isn't 100% necessary is really difficult at this time. I mean losing weight is important, but all the frills an...

This is

Wed, 9 Mar 2011 21:14:30 EST

This is the second day in a row that I have sat with this page open, waiting for a blog.

This is also the second day in a row that I have sat in this chair. Sitting and coughing and sneezing and sleepy. I've had no voice, and no appetite. This is bad because I'm not moving, but better because I'm barely wanting to eat, which means good water intake and no snacking to ruin my calorie numbers.

Today was better than yesterday because yesterday I was a complete mess, and ...

Needing Others

Tue, 1 Mar 2011 20:07:54 EST

I've always been ashamed when I need others. I much prefer working alone, being responsible for myself.

When I started here over a year ago, I was sure I could do it alone. I didn't do much message boarding, or sparkteaming or commenting on other blogs or pages. It worked alright.

But I made friends, and it got easier. I just thought I was getting used to it, but today I realized something.

It was easier with others. Having gym buddies and sparkfriends ...

The gaping hole

Sun, 27 Feb 2011 15:13:15 EST

I'm declaring it a gaping hole.

As anyone who knew me last year can tell, I've done a 180. I'm never on SP, and I never blog, and I just haven't been able to make time for anything.

It's depression. I'm trying some new stuff for it.

But I'm a mess. And it's one of those times when I just feel down all the time, and I can't explain why, and every little thing irritates me. Even people wishing me well, or trying to cheer me up.

I know a large...

Water water water

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 22:25:35 EST

So, for those who do not see my statuses, I just drank 6 cups of water in a single sitting.

For me, it's quite impressing. And a little bit sickening.

But I'm glad I did it. Water is difficult for me because I never think of it. When I do, I have a small glass, and promise to refill. I bought the small glasses to make limiting all the rest of my drinks easier. It just does the same for water.

And no matter how many times I remind myself it's not much wate...

Short One

Sun, 13 Feb 2011 21:54:10 EST

So I've got my schedule in place for gymming this week. Back on track.

Today is day 3 of good eating, good portions, good stuff. So that's better. One day at a time and all that.

Now I've got all these crazy ideas about going to climb a mountain or skydive or something. Need a lot of work to be in shape enough for any of it, but it's a nice long term goal.

Plans are being started for vacation over the summer, since January's vacation bombed so badly. At...

Untitled

Wed, 9 Feb 2011 23:19:03 EST

There are moments when I look in the mirror and all I can see is the face I could have. Just suddenly, I see a hint of a long, thin face, with a little smile and glittering eyes.

And it gives me hope.

When to the gym today, had a panic attack on the way. Fun times. Was slightly out of form on the elliptical, but I got over it. Managed to drown myself in water and survive an alumni event I went to. Otherwise, just another, normal...

New Month, New SparkYear

Tue, 1 Feb 2011 11:16:09 EST

Today I am more rested, and hence in a better mood. I'm also full of energy, because I got a nice big workout this morning. Yeah, the snow is fluffier than expected, but also coming down ten times as fast. I fought for an hour before giving up.

Soon I'll be heading back out to fight the good fight. For the moment, I'm squeezing in a blog entry.

My first year on SparkPeople started out with a BANG and kept clanging away until fall, when it sort of fizzled on e...

1 Year

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 16:48:00 EST

I had planned a whole long blog about the 1 year experience, since this is my sparkversary.

But I just can't bring myself to do it. I wrote a long blog elsewhere, and have been running on next to no sleep. Tomorrow I go back to the shoveling grind, in place of exercising at the gym, and working to prep for more job apps and interviews. I'm also getting ready for an alumni networking reception, at which I have no idea what I'll be doing.

Also starting edits...

The Worst Excuse I Use

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 20:32:30 EST

Really, I shouldn't allow myself to make excuses. Because as much as I want to pretend being sick kept me from working out or blogging, or doing anything on SP, I know better.

I've worked out when I was ill, and felt better for it. Or felt worse, but at least I did it. And that was when I was much sicker. I'm very good at working through the pain. Or focusing through the sickly haze.

And I can't pretend that being sick kept me offline. I was online plenty, but I ...

The Blog Three Days in the Coming

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:44:49 EST

Yeah, I've had this window open for three days, waiting for a blog to be typed in it.

Sadly, I could not think of a topic. Unless the insanity of the snow walls on my street counts. (The street is about 1.5 car widths, with snow piled to high and packed so tightly, that there might as well be walls. And no one plows my street, so it's all frozen slush on the road itself.)

With regards to my lifestyle fixes, I haven't been getting much done. My food has become less of...

10 Days Later

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 11:50:23 EST

I have not blogged in quite a while, and I was surprised with just how long I've been limping along on SP. I log in and do my fitness stuff, perhaps glance at my goals for the 28 day bootcamp challenge. But I haven't even LOOKED at my sparkteams, nevermind posting in them or commenting on a blog or writing anything of my own.

And I hope this is not going to turn into a complete collapse of all my hard work. I've always been good at slipping up, but keeping my footing and p...

The Chaos of This Week

Fri, 31 Dec 2010 14:18:30 EST

So highlights for this week:

Xmas was ok, if a little dull.

I have food poisoning.

We had much shoveling going on at the beginning of the week. I hurt my back because I was the only uninjured person. Yep.

I drove to NH to visit my friend Cait for her birthday. Craziness ensued.

My father ended up in the emergency room twice.

Hence---
My trip to Florida has been canceled. Since it was a family trip. Instead, we ar...

Twas two days before Xmas

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 21:31:14 EST

And all through my house,
people are making a fuss.

My sister is baking a cake in a mug,
and my mother thinks she can talk
me into changing my mind.

She's be studying hard this year
to make me see reason
why this is not always just
a religious holiday season.

The girls all at work,
they do tell her so.
All religions they are,
yet as good people they go

shopping for gifts
and for presents and things...

December is a bad month for me.

Sun, 19 Dec 2010 16:42:47 EST

It just is. And yet somehow, it always slips my mind until I get myself all wrapped up in the month.

I hate December. I should be happy because it's my sister's birthday, and my best friend's birthday and my aunt's birthday and Liz's birthday, and all sorts of fun. Busy and interesting and joyful.

But if I could skip December entirely, I would. It drags me down and wipes me out and I barely can make myself do anything. I take lousy care of myself and I never ...

And because it just had to get worse.

Sat, 11 Dec 2010 18:36:04 EST

So the new washer dryer arrived today. The old set (25+ years) has been giving out for a long while, but everyone was putting off buying a new set until the remodel in january/february. Like, the washer clanged and the dryer took two or more tried to get anything dry.

Well when my sister was here after Thanksgiving, the dryer finally gave out. We've been playing laundromat for a couple of weeks, and hating it.

So a pair of stackable machines was bought, to be stacke...

Of Sickly Days and Bursting Pipes

Sat, 11 Dec 2010 09:07:33 EST

Yeah, so I've had a miserable week. Hence, no blogging, no message boarding, no lurking around online. I've been eating somewhat well, and I exercised a handful of times, but otherwise just miserable.

I felt ill most of the week, plus TOM, so basically I spent all my time bundled up in a sweater in bed or curled up in a chair watching movies. I caught up on all my tv viewing and read a couple of books.

I felt much better yesterday and today I'm almost good as new. He...

Time For A Blog

Fri, 3 Dec 2010 14:35:50 EST

First topic on the agenda: Cracking down this month.
Seriously, I need to crack down on the food this month, because I have a little under five weeks until I leave on vacation to Florida, and I am completely living in terror of not being able to fit in the airplane seats and/or on amusement park rides. I've failed thus far at my goals, but it's mostly because of my lackluster attitude concerning my eating.
Right now, I'm continuing my exercise and telling myself I have to suck it...

The Most Epic Weekend of My Life

Sun, 28 Nov 2010 13:26:52 EST

Ok, so maybe not THE most epic weekend, but AN epic weekend in the sense of the sheer rush I've been getting.

No, I have no been focusing on my food or exercise, and I haven't been getting enough sleep. Yes, I am dreading my weigh ins. (No, I forgot to weigh in this morning)

Thanksgiving was interesting. I stayed up until 3:30 the night before, got up to have breakfast with my sister, listened to the latest drama about my brother and his wife, then crawled...

I Drank A Coke Last Night

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 11:05:22 EST

Not that there is anything wrong with drinking Coke. I do it a couple of times a week. But at some point I came up with the brilliant idea of mixing Coke and Diet Coke to cut the calories without it tasting like vomit. But that's beside the point.

I haven't been drinking as much Coke lately. I didn't drink it that much when I was a kid, but I got hooked in college, when the vending machine next to my dorm room offered me unlimited drinks whenever I needed a study break. ...

My Aunt Tripped Herself

Sat, 20 Nov 2010 20:19:36 EST

And she did it on a curb, falling and smashing her nose in. But she's back from the hospital and amazingly it's not broken, and she'll be fine to host Thanksgiving dinner for her kids and cousins.

But I wanted to go on with the same theme I've been doing, and she just conveniently made it possible.

I've been doing so-so. Exercising has been hard the last few days, plans getting canceled often, and my body fighting back, hating the whole let's work out every day thing. ...

My Brother Burst In

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 14:53:08 EST

Yes, I had another visitor while working on my nanowrimo. This was not half as pleasant as my sister's visit, even taking the abandoned cake into consideration.

Because my brother visiting was awkward and very upsetting. He basically walked in the door, ready to divorce his wife of two months. And then she showed up, and waited outside for him until she couldn't take it anymore and called for him to come out. We made her come inside.

It was a fight/intervention and l...

My Sister Visited

Sat, 13 Nov 2010 18:03:27 EST

My current NaNoWriMo calendar tracker.

My sister visited for a couple of day this week. I manged to keep on track with both my exercise and my writing.

But that little snot. She shows up, is bored, BAKES A CAKE for no reason other than boredom, then LEAVES. So there's a huge cake sitting around the house, tempting everyone. Luckily, I don't like cake, so I'm in no danger, but honestly. What a way ...

Because I Jinxed Myself

Tue, 9 Nov 2010 21:46:51 EST

Ok, so I'm blogging, because I do it all the time.

And also because I jinxed myself. I was half joking when I said in the NaNoWriMo Sparkteam that I had writer's block from being cursed for being so far ahead. I was planning on kicking out a few more words and then watching tv and probably writing a couple thousand before bed. Because that's what I do these days... stay up late-ish and write. It has been working.

But now that I said it, I DO have a terrible cas...

Visitors Will Not Throw Me Off My Game

Mon, 8 Nov 2010 16:47:17 EST

So, for the past few nights, my brother and SIL have decided to drop by. They claim to want to keep US company, when really, they just want someone to entertain THEM.

And then they don't like what we plan. If I'm at my parents, I know nights consist of watching shows, whether on tv, or on dvd. My family are not night people. Ask at 7am to do something, they go out, they take a trip, go to a museum or the mall or a store, just drive around for hours. But 6pm things slow down....

I Don't Wanna Live with the Fat Girl Mentality

Sun, 7 Nov 2010 11:04:21 EST

This month, I'm very distracted. My time is spread all over the place, and my family thinks I've gone insane because I'm so scatterbrained. And I admit I'm not doing as much sparking anywhere except the NaNoWriMo sparkteam. I'm still working out, and still blogging, obviously, but I'm spending much less time just lurking and surfing around the site.

But I have been on here enough to think of something. There are several different types of people on this site. And by types, I ...

Hot Mess

Fri, 5 Nov 2010 00:15:19 EST

quick blog because I'm up and I'm in a goodish mood.

Seriously, I sicken myself. Because I'm doing everything right, and making all my goals and just am amazing. On paper. Because on paper everything is going smoothly.

I just don't really feel that way until I say it in words. I've felt like a slob all day because I kept thinking of things I should be doing, or need to do. And I got all hung up on how I wasn't writing my nanowrimo.

But I knew once the h...

I'm Not Going to Ignore My Blog for the Month

Tue, 2 Nov 2010 21:39:32 EST

I have every intention of blogging what I can, when I can. Just don't be surprised at how much I complain about my NaNoWriMo project.
Which I'm well above pace on, by the way. I'm just terrified of pulling another year of great start and then going no where. Which is what I usually do. Last year I finished, but it was rough, and the only thing that saved me was the fact that I was doing 2000 words a day the first week. Because it got rough, and the last bit was terrible. Had nothin...

Halloween

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 20:38:38 EST

So this blog is going to be less about Halloween and more about the month ahead.

Because tomorrow is November.
Sidenote: Oh jeez, it's Sunday and a measurement day so I will get around to weighing in and measuring before bed, I swear, but I've been having an off day so I almost forgot completely.

I might add a photo to this later, or post a photo in a new blog once I get the photos from Jane, whose camera I used all night.

I have some sort of ...

The NonProgress Progress

Mon, 25 Oct 2010 21:44:59 EST

In some senses, it is progress. It's taken months for everyone in the house to get the point of how little I need the crap in the house.
But somehow, this feels just as bad. If not worse.

Backing up.

So, I've had issues with candy and pizza in the house since the beginning. And I've gone through the song and dance routine with other sparkers, how I need to just go and throw it all out, blah blah blah.

But it's not my food to throw out. I can...

I waited a week to blog

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 15:02:44 EST

And that's just not right.

Not that I've had much to blog about. Spent plenty of time futzing about a job that I ended up being too old for (they hired 11 high school freshmen instead, so they could get more time out of them). Filled out an application today for a part time cashier job at the farm down the street, working in the store selling milk.

Cleaned a few days, worked with my cousin organizing some of her stuff another day. Went to the gym twice with allergies ...

Because I'm Not Vain Enough in my Blogs

Sat, 16 Oct 2010 13:22:45 EST

... which is arguable, I know.

I'm rather self centered in my blogs, which some people (in my everyday life) feel is enough vanity for anyone.

But I haven't really done a blog about my goals in terms of selfish wants.

Come to think of it, I haven't really devoted an entire blog to talking about goals in a full and well thought fashion. Just listing ideas and such.

So yeah, my current goals.

Right now I want to be able to be fast again....

Food Compulsions

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 19:58:49 EST

So, I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday. I saw the topic in an ad earlier in the week and knew I had to tune in.

It was food compulsions. Not just cravings, but actual issues with eating anything besides the foods that make up the compulsion. It's kinda an eating disorder, the one I have.

Because I am well aware I have an eating disorder of a sort. I'm just relieved that it's not just me. And I feel like I need to just say it and put it out there, because until this w...

Was that a good weekend?

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 10:54:14 EST

I don't know if it was.

I kept busy, didn't overeat, and drank plenty of water.

I also didn't exercise, sat around both in a car and in various places (restaurant, theatre, my brother's house, etc).

I weighed in yesterday morning at 261.2 which wasn't bad considering I was practically 265 the week before. This morning I'm back to 262.4 which isn't terrible, I know, I just.....

I'm really mad at myself. Severely mad at myself. Because i...

Those Famous All Nighters

Fri, 8 Oct 2010 22:32:30 EST

My sister is visiting for a couple of days. She's here at the house, in bed at the moment, exhausted.

Yeah, I wish I had her ability to go to bed early because it's good for her, blah blah blah.
How she's in bed already is beyond me.

Or rather, how different she and I are is amazing to me, because we really are so alike in so many things. I think it's a nurture vs nature thing. Our similarities are nurture (my parents spreading certain interests and habits) and o...

I Went A Little Crazy Today

Fri, 8 Oct 2010 10:37:05 EST

No, seriously I did. And not in my usual way. In a very weird way.

I've been pretty much locked in my room the past couple of days. Somewhat cleaning, somewhat reading, a lot of internet. But, BUT, I haven't been snacking. Not one bit. And snacking has been my issue lately. Just so much food, all of it in the last afternoon into evening and night.

Instead I've been here. Well, here and outside because I've been going to the gym and such. Fewer hours at t...

Taking A Cooldown

Mon, 4 Oct 2010 23:31:23 EST

Recently, I've been less than consistent.

I'm working to change that. In a weird sort of way.

I've been less than responsible on SP. On purpose.

Because I've been driving myself to distraction over this food issue. And it needs to stop. I need to stop eating and feeling guilty for eating. I need to stop eating to punish myself for being bad. I need to stop eating as if by eating better I'm starving myself or something. I'm not dying, but I resent thi...

Missed Another day, didn't I?

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 18:13:13 EST

Yep, I lost Monday. To television of all things.

Spent the entire day catching up on tv. didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't do anything beyond tv. I guess it's good I didn't snack all day, but..... yeah.

Today I've been on my feet, hustling. Cleaned waaaay more than I expected to, am glad at how much I tossed, but am annoyed at how much I kept. I know, that makes no sense, but go with me on this.

And I'll be spending my evening cleaning some more. In...

In an effort to not lose another week...

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 21:21:52 EST

I'm blogging daily.

Today I did well in the morning. Got up, had a good breakfast, headed off to the gym with Jane. We were both a little tired, but I killed it on all the ST we did, even beat some of my old best numbers.

Got home and ruined it all with food. Just a mess, I have no idea what I ate or when, I just fed myself whenever and did not give a thought to just how much it ended up being.

So I feel gross and bloated and stuff.

But tha...

The Lost Week of Eldiborpast

Sat, 25 Sep 2010 22:45:51 EST

Yeah, so as anyone who has seen my status knows--- I have lost my mind.

Or at least my short term memory. Because I have no recollection of any day since Tuesday.

I do remember Tuesday, because I watched the Biggest Loser and wrote far too many comments on a certain sparkpage (Hi Zenthae!!), killing my feed. I do remember it. I worked out, it was nice.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday morning? No idea. None.

I think at some point I...

Yeah, so I stare at the screen and never blog

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 18:01:21 EST

I know it's terrible, and I won't be getting better if I don't blog. Because blogging makes me think and focus and re-evaluate where I am. Instead I have the page open for days and never think to write anything. Or rather, I don't find things to talk about, and don't make the effort.

Which pretty much sums up my healthy lifestyle at the moment. I have good intentions, but no push, no follow through.

Working out has gotten better. In the two/three weeks since the wed...

228 Days

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 17:13:23 EST

So, I was glancing through some blog posts, just looking at titles, and I got caught up in so many talking about the number of days they're at.

I've never really looked at my number of days.

But I'm at 228, which is a rather large number. Almost as large as me.

Yet somehow, I'm still not impressed.

There's Too Much Time To Think

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 21:13:12 EST

And that's the truth of the matter.

All I do these days is think. And pity myself, which is honestly getting me nowhere. Except fatter. I'm at 257, and I saw a brief glimpse of 260 the other day, which scared the crud outta me. It took me a dang long time to get past 260 and never see it again, yet it's back.

I still don't feel fat.

I've been reading about body image and how skewed it can be, especially for people who lose a lot of weight but retain th...

I painted my nails today. It lasted five hours.

Thu, 9 Sep 2010 18:15:13 EST

Sometimes, I forget to think about the other aspects of my journey.

I mean, a large part of Spark People and my participation on the site is because of wanting to lose weight. And I tend to get very wrapped up in it, my successes and failures and gains and losses.

But when I started this, it was about more than just a chance to get down to a healthier weight.

It was about fixing me. Fixing all of it, not just the eating. Because the eating has roots, and ...

Bridesmaid Pics and Other Things

Mon, 6 Sep 2010 12:23:41 EST

So, I'm feeling lively today. Actually, I'm feeling lively for like the third or fourth day in a row. I think it's the beginning of a new burst of activity for me. More blogging, and tracking, and exercising, and photo taking.

I really wasn't even going to blog about the wedding, I feel so good about everything else.

But I believe I promised people photos, so I will add a few here as I go along.

On the topic of the wedding, it wasn't as bad as it could ha...