DERVAPPY13's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=DERVAPPY13 DERVAPPY13's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ I just can't. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5705248 I've pretty much gained everything back and destroyed any progress I'd made. <BR> I can't make myself do anything. <BR> I can't do this and I don't want to try anymore. <BR> It just makes me feel even more terrible about myself when I ruin it all. <BR> <BR> I don't know what else to do. Wed, 28 May 2014 13:13:49 EST Back http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5692874 I didn't mean to "give up" but I guess i kind of did? Whatever, I'm gonna get back on the dang wagon and keep going. At least I didn't regain everything, so if nothing else, I am NOT starting back at square one--I've kept some of my progress!! <BR> <BR> I'm starting my new job soon, so at least i can't mindlessly eat throughout the day anymore. Once I get a decent schedule down mentally, I'll see what I can do. Sun, 11 May 2014 21:21:09 EST Back http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5692873 I didn't mean to "give up" but I guess i kind of did? Whatever, I'm gonna get back on the dang wagon and keep going. At least I didn't regain everything, so if nothing else, I am NOT starting back at square one--I've kept some of my progress!! <BR> <BR> I'm starting my new job soon, so at least i can't mindlessly eat throughout the day anymore. Once I get a decent schedule down mentally, I'll see what I can do. Sun, 11 May 2014 21:21:06 EST Prepare to Gain! (no, seriously, I've been preparing lol) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5659992 Sorry about my outburst in my last entry...I REALLY needed to get all that frustration out to SOMEBODY because it was driving me wild with no outlet big enough to handle the surge that was trying to explode out lol! I'm...staying away from pilates. Like, really away. I don't need to start crying after 80 seconds of trying s video. <BR> <BR> ANYWHO, I FINALLY get the see my boyfriend tomorrow night!! For the first time since August!! I'm so excited it's unbelievable! I get to see my precious ... Sun, 30 Mar 2014 11:45:28 EST I HATE STUPID PILATES http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5658184 Every time I try one of the stupid pilates video I end up crying within 2 minutes. I feel like such a failure and a stupid lump of useless. Even the beginner/intro video makes me just feel TERRIBLE about myself. I end up crying for what feels like forever afterward. I can't seem to do anything. I can't even do the simplest stuff I'm so pathetic. I hate it so much. Thu, 27 Mar 2014 22:33:49 EST BEST. DAY. EVER. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5653280 So I didn't really want to exercise today, so instead of a couple hours of walking I did the 11-minute seated cardio workout because I'm feeling lazy. It was surprisingly fun and actually got my heart up! I need to improve my posture, though...keeping my back straight was the one thing really killing me! <BR> <BR> So....great news, then awesome news. <BR> <BR> One: I finally got a job offer!! It's a seasonal position, but I hope to rejoin them in future summers if I work hard enough! I'm so... Fri, 21 Mar 2014 13:57:59 EST Getting Back to It http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5650713 Though we're all still worried about them, one of my friends can already accept visitors. The others are still going in and out of surgery and apparently some vertebrae are involved now so...yeah, I'll be worried sick until ALL of them can take visitors. :( Thank God for technology so I can get updates as they happen or I would just be beside myself. <BR> <BR> In personal health related news, I've been slacking on exercise the past few days. Partly due to a slight fever on my part (which was... Tue, 18 Mar 2014 11:20:56 EST Hard Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5649478 I've eaten way more than I should today. Way, way more. And I honestly don't care. I don't care if it's emotional eating, either. I just don't. <BR> <BR> Four good friends of mine were in a car accident this morning and, though they're all alive and will be alright, I'm worried sick and feel so far away and helpless. Their recoveries are going to take a good while and it's going to be anything but a picnic, but just THANK GOD they're all alive, you know? I just keep imagining what they're go... Sun, 16 Mar 2014 22:27:14 EST Walks Aren't Enough http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5648697 I've been walking a LOT lately. Today I went for 4 miles in about an hour and had one of my best times yet. And it still doesn't seem to be enough to get ahead of my eating habits. One of the few good things about being eternally unemployed, I guess, is that I have some time to do things. I think I need to try to take up yoga or...or something. Anything to try and beat this. I'm starting to feel desperate over here. I refuse to plateau at a mere 8-10 pounds lost. <BR> <BR> I just....hate ex... Sat, 15 Mar 2014 21:26:12 EST Struggling, but Still Around http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5643697 I'm still having a tough time. It feels like I just can't eat anything and I'm just so hungry so often! It's driving me nuts! ...and all the junk food temptation in the house is doing anything BUT helping. GAH!! I feel like I'm struggling just to stay still and I really want to make progress instead. I just don't know what to do to combat this stuff anymore. I'm getting beyond frustrated now. <BR> <BR> In better news, I'm finally done with all the work needed on my teeth. The issues I was h... Sun, 9 Mar 2014 15:24:45 EST Having a Real Tough Time... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5631899 I can't seem to get better lately and I've really been beating myself up over it, which isn't helping but I can't NOT do it when I'm just failing so badly! My cravings are so intense and when I try to "be good" I'm sooo hungry that even a 2,000-calorie/day limit leaves me so hungry. I just don't know what to do and I almost feel like giving up at this point. <BR> <BR> I'm just not sure what else to do anymore and my willpower is REALLY waning because of how much it feels like I've been strug... Sun, 23 Feb 2014 19:37:47 EST WOW Did I backslide! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5626586 I'm really disappointed in myself. I fell off the wagon for a while BAD...and gained back half--HALF--of what I've lost so far. That's disgusting. <BR> <BR> New goal: burn at least 200 extra calories a day, and lose another 10 pounds from where I am by the time AggieCon rolls around (AKA, first week of April). I need to get back on track here, no excuses. <BR> <BR> I really need to find a way to curb (or distract myself from) these cravings. They're killing me. Mon, 17 Feb 2014 15:41:10 EST Keepin' On! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5616138 Sure I'm still "overeating" a lot, but at least it's not BY a lot! Overeating by SparkPeople's count isn't that bad, but I still need to up my exercise. My problem living with my mom is that I don't want her to watch/see me DO any exercises, and with the bad weather lately she's been home a lot XD Even with all my stumbling so far, I lost 8 pounds in January--that's amazing for me! <BR> <BR> Now that I'm starting to get a handle on my eating and such, I really need to focus on figuring out h... Wed, 5 Feb 2014 16:57:13 EST Losing and Learning http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5599153 So, I learned/realized something at my personal Sunday weigh-in today. <BR> <BR> I've lost 7 pounds since my start weight on January 1st. HOW?! <BR> I couldn't understand it...I BARELY exercise and I've been overeating almost every day! I fully expected to GAIN weight on that scale this week, but I dropped exactly 2 pounds since last Sunday, how on earth could that happen?! <BR> <BR> ...Then I realized something. I was overeating by *SparkPeople's* standards, not necessarily mine (aka, my... Sun, 19 Jan 2014 16:40:25 EST Overeating (& Needing Exercise!) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5595074 I'm overeating way too much. Period. It's not as bad as it COULD be, but it's still not good. <BR> <BR> Luckily, the leftover stuff from Christmas is essentially gone (finally!), so that's some less temptation hanging around. Mom also keeps talking about wanting to lose weight, so hopefully she'll want to/I can convince her to buy less "junk" to keep around the house. <BR> <BR> Really, though, my eating wouldn't be so bad if I was exercising more. THAT is my biggest problem hands down. I N... Wed, 15 Jan 2014 19:08:36 EST OMG YES! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5588427 I don't need a root canal!!! :D <BR> <BR> I was convinced I did, and the X-rays made it look like it was close to the nerve, but once the dentist got in there she said she didn't think she was even close to hitting it, and I barely felt a thing the entire time they worked on me! That was the worst tooth in my mouth--it's all easy-breezy from here on in! Yes! <BR> <BR> Time for a celebratory smoothie! ....especially because I missed lunch due to dentistry, lol! Thu, 9 Jan 2014 18:40:26 EST Belated Week 2 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5585850 I realized last night that I forgot to weigh myself on Monday...so I did that today. Despite having done next to nothing and, honestly, eating TERRIBLY the past few days, I've apparently lost 3 pounds! O_O How I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining! And it gave me some motivation to get back on track, so double awesome, right? XD <BR> <BR> I still haven't written that recipe down, but I know what's in it...it's just not written down yet because I need to fiddle with the proporti... Tue, 7 Jan 2014 15:55:01 EST Saturday is Cheating Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5582390 I need a cheat day if only to keep my sanity. Sure, I went over my calories for the day, but not nearly as much as I could have by any stretch. <BR> <BR> Also, I tossed together some things for dinner and it turned out SO much better than I expected! I'm going to write it all down and make a proper recipe out of it...and hopefully it'll be pretty healthy once I get the proper proportions of ingredients in there. Huzzah! Sat, 4 Jan 2014 21:57:41 EST So Far So Good? (Day 3...) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5581027 I haven't done as much physical activity as I should, but at least I've done SOMETHING. Unfortunately my motivator seems to be "I wanna eat something, but I don't have too many calories left for today....I know! I'll just do an exercise video, THEN eat!" <BR> <BR> ...but at least I'm DOING them, right? Could be worse. <BR> <BR> I've also noticed that the thing I seem worst with is carbs...luckily the cereal I've been eating seems to be a pretty big culprit, and since there's only a bowl or... Fri, 3 Jan 2014 17:04:40 EST Aaaand It's Already Begun http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5577966 January first, day number one of 2014--Year of the Cepheid and my hope for putting my life back together. <BR> <BR> And I already want to facepalm when it comes to my mom's commitment (and, by extent, support for my attempts this time around). Last night at some point I brought up the fact that today would begin our trying to be healthy and all that. Her reaction was that today "is a holiday!" and she'll start on the 2nd. This does not bode well, does it? <BR> <BR> Aaanyway, last night I a... Wed, 1 Jan 2014 13:36:13 EST Coming Back http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5575114 I know I need to quit this cycle of "yeah here I go!" and "Why bother?" and then "Imma start over again and do good this time!" .....but it's just so hard when you feel like you have so little power over anything in your life. <BR> <BR> 2013 was one of the worst years of my life, if not THE worst. 2014 has to be better or...honestly bad things might happen. <BR> <BR> I tried to convince mom to try and get healthier this year with me, not just for our health, but partially because I want les... Sun, 29 Dec 2013 22:45:17 EST Having a Tough Time... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5514126 I had a complete mental breakdown yesterday. It wasn't triggered by anything, it was just the weight of everything finally breaking through. Again. Times like this I HATE being so dang poor, because I think I honestly need medical mental help with deal with my depression and anxiety but there's just no way I have access to something like that. <BR> <BR> I know my feelings are irrational and make no sense and "it's not the end of the world," but that doesn't help me cope. I KNOW they're mess... Tue, 15 Oct 2013 10:28:45 EST Game On http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5507043 No wonder I had such a terrible week/weekend...female troubles decided to go "Ohai we missed you!" XD No wonder I'm feeling EXTRA stressed and yucky, right? At least I didn't have work--I just have a tiny job right now, but I'd hate to make a horrible first impression by not being able to physically function during my first days on the job! ....I swear, I'm going to lose jobs in my life because of how awful my cramps debilitate me. Not that any doctors believe me when I tell them what happen... Mon, 7 Oct 2013 13:37:14 EST Measuring & Family http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5502309 Okay, overate a bit yesterday. Learned that I need to weigh and record some of my food beforehand rather than enter the information later and be floored at how many calories that means. I need to invest in plastic wrap...I have a digital scale I bought for estimating shipping costs on items, but I think it'll be a nice addition to my tiny spring scale for smaller items that call for only a few ounces or grams. If I wrap the scale in plastic I won't have to worry about the food touching it an... Wed, 2 Oct 2013 09:47:04 EST Disruption (warning: rant ahead) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5500859 I'm intentionally "going off the wagon" for a few days. I'm trying to reset my sleeping schedule and it's really messing with me. Once that's taken care of I can make sure my body is okay to handle things again. The sleep alone is really messing with me, so if my body says it's hungry, I'm going to feed it without worrying what meal it is. <BR> <BR> Also, I think losing weight with my mom with me is going to be HARD. I broke and ate a bunch of Cheetos I found....I certainly didn't buy them. ... Mon, 30 Sep 2013 23:23:55 EST Working On Working Out http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5497010 I just tried out the 10-Minute Cardio Kickboxing Workout video and, while I couldn't do *everything* in the workout yet, I'm really proud of myself and when I was done I was sweating! I feel like I DID something and it was fun! <BR> <BR> I have orientation for my "job" this Saturday...I'm getting paid less to wake up earlier for a dead-end job that seems to value those in my position less than the last place I worked. Needless to say, I'm not excited, but some better is better than no money... Thu, 26 Sep 2013 16:09:09 EST Headway Here, Backtrack There http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5494933 So I seem to be going in two different directions--victories in some areas while I need some help in others. <BR> <BR> I keep overeating. I'm just so hungry at night, and even if I'm not *hungry* I have that itch to eat something so bad that I'm climbing the walls and desperate for something of substance to munch on! I really think I'm quite literally addicted to the sense of taste with how much I NEED to be eating something. <BR> <BR> If I was getting enough exercise I could chalk it up to... Tue, 24 Sep 2013 13:34:10 EST Not the Best Start http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5492040 My snacking and portion control are terrible, but I'm working on it. If I can get my stress and, by extension, my depression, under even slight control, I think my food intake will go down, even if by a bit. When you feel too petrified and awful to do anything but sleep, eat, and stare at your computer, you end up with bad results. <BR> <BR> My mom is actually going to start SparkPeople next week. I can't decide if this is a good or a bad thing, lol! Having someone to lose with is great, but... Sat, 21 Sep 2013 15:26:22 EST Fast Break / Stress Buster Challenge http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5489578 I realized recently that my stress level is what's really destroying, like, half my life...that has to be fixed ASAP. Heck, it's more important than my weight if you think about it: stress is supposed to help you hold onto fat, wear out your body, can make ya stress-eat, obviously ruins your mood and energy levels, and when you start to add all of that up...that's a lot of pounds my body is holding onto simply because it's too petrified with fear and worry to let go! <BR> <BR> I have a ton ... Wed, 18 Sep 2013 19:37:41 EST