DEEGEE757's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=DEEGEE757 DEEGEE757's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Cat Etiquette http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2530072 <BR> If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get on to an Oriental rug, or a shagpile carpet. <BR> <BR> Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. The guest wont dare push you off and will even call you ’nice kitty.’ If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. <BR> <BR> Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. <BR> <BR> For guests who... Tue, 3 Nov 2009 07:56:53 EST Vatican debate http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2527456 <BR> Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good - in fact, he knew very li... Mon, 2 Nov 2009 11:32:14 EST Bumper stickers seen in Michigan ... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2523498 <BR> IF YOU CAN’T FEED EM, DON’T BREED EM! <BR> <BR> Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap. <BR> <BR> If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer. <BR> <BR> Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. <BR> <BR> The Earth Is Full - Go Home. <BR> <BR> So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. <BR> <BR> Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. <BR> <BR> If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? <BR> <BR> Illiterate? Write For Help. <BR> <BR> Honk If Anything Falls Off. <BR> <BR> Cover Me, I... Sun, 1 Nov 2009 00:44:44 EST Ridiculous US-Laws Part Deux http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2521614 <BR> Ohio: <BR> 1. In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday. <BR> <BR> 2. In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man’s picture. <BR> <BR> 3. In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas. <BR> <BR> Oregon: <BR> 1. The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license. <BR> <BR> Pennsylvania: <BR> 1. "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanke... Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:44:57 EST Ridiculous US-Laws http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2519880 <BR> Arkansas: <BR> 1. A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month. <BR> <BR> California: <BR> 1. In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap. <BR> <BR> 2. It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. <BR> <BR> Florida: <BR> 1. Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday’s will be jailed. <BR> <BR> Georgia... Fri, 30 Oct 2009 09:37:54 EST Fart Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2517261 Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. <BR> <BR> One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married. <BR> <BR> A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke... Thu, 29 Oct 2009 09:50:51 EST Little Johnny is at it again... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2514581 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. <BR> <BR> 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. <BR> <BR> 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. <BR> <BR> 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.. 'Giving up?' <BR> Wed, 28 Oct 2009 09:12:32 EST The Pirate http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2511352 <BR> A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven’t seen <BR> you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." <BR> <BR> "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." <BR> <BR> "What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before." <BR> <BR> "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine <BR> now." <BR> <BR> "Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?" <BR> <BR> "We were in another battle. I boarded a... Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:04:44 EST If... Part Two... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2508289 <BR> - If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers? <BR> <BR> - If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? <BR> <BR> - If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care? <BR> <BR> - If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself? <BR> <BR> - If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right... Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:08:07 EST If... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2506911 Feel free to add your own.... <BR> <BR> - If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches? <BR> <BR> - If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam? <BR> <BR> - If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed? <BR> <BR> - If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn’t an exterminator be the opposite? <BR> <BR> - If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? <BR> <BR> -... Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:54:27 EST The Plumber Has Arrived http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2504065 <BR> A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber. <BR> <BR> She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. <BR> <BR> He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?" <BR> <BR> He replied, "It's the plumber." <BR> <BR> He thought it was the lady who'd said, ... Sat, 24 Oct 2009 09:48:27 EST THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2502509 Feel free to add your own ;-) <BR> <BR> <BR> 1. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed our life up we could simply press ‘Ctrl-Alt-Delete’ and start all over? <BR> <BR> 2. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. <BR> <BR> 3. The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement. <BR> <BR> 4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcord... Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:11:14 EST Beethoven Halloween Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2500587 A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from. <BR> <BR> She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.” <BR> <BR> Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. <BR> ... Thu, 22 Oct 2009 19:30:56 EST Chihuahua http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2496619 A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man", the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me". The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. <BR> <BR> Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a see... Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:34:19 EST Judgement day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2494613 <BR> A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." <BR> <BR> "Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment." <BR> <BR> Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you <BR> only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, ... Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:03:02 EST Name Change http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2489921 Judge: "You say you’re petitioning for a legal name change?" <BR> <BR> Leon: "Yes, your honor." <BR> <BR> Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Mr... Leon Crapferbrains, is it?" <BR> <BR> Leon: "Yes, your honor." <BR> <BR> Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Crapferbrains?" <BR> <BR> Leon: " Melvin, your honor." Mon, 19 Oct 2009 07:42:06 EST GAMES FOR WHEN WE GET OLDER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2487595 Please feel free to add your own ;-) <BR> <BR> 1. Sag, you’re it. <BR> 2. Hide and go pee. <BR> 3. 20 questions shouted into your ear <BR> 4. Kick the bucket. <BR> 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over. <BR> 6. Musical recliners. <BR> 7. Simon says – something incoherent. <BR> 8. Pin the toupee on the bald guy. <BR> Sun, 18 Oct 2009 09:01:56 EST Fax Questions and Answers http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2483634 <BR> Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? <BR> <BR> A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax strangers every day. <BR> <BR> Q. My parents said that they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think one should be before they fax? <BR> <BR> A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure. <BR> <BR> Q. If I fax something, will I go bl... Fri, 16 Oct 2009 11:11:03 EST Who said that? ~ Another Little Johnny Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2480517 <BR> It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. <BR> <BR> Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." <BR> <BR> Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question." <BR> <BR> Teacher: "Who said ’Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?" <BR> <BR> Before Johnny can open his mout... Thu, 15 Oct 2009 07:17:41 EST Pearly Gates ~ Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2478011 An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place." <BR> <BR> So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. <BR> <BR> One day, God calls Satan... Wed, 14 Oct 2009 09:12:35 EST Waiting http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2474908 A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. <BR> <BR> The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?" <BR> <BR> The husband replies: "Autumn." <BR> Tue, 13 Oct 2009 06:45:28 EST ONLY at Thanksgiving .. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2472510 List of things a man can only say to his mother in law at Thanksgiving: <BR> <BR> 1. Talk about a huge breast! <BR> 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. <BR> 3. It’s Cool Whip time! <BR> 4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst! <BR> 5. Whew, that’s one terrific spread! <BR> 6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. <BR> 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? <BR> 8. It’s a little dry. Do you still want to eat it? <BR> 9. Just wait your turn. You’ll get some! <BR> 10. Don’t play wit... Mon, 12 Oct 2009 11:22:14 EST Burglar ~ Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2469748 An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. <BR> <BR> Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") <BR> <BR> As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and to... Sun, 11 Oct 2009 10:23:10 EST About Jesus ... Little Johnny Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2462745 About Jesus ... <BR> A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. <BR> <BR> The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. <BR> Susie said, "He was born in a manger." <BR> Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." <BR> Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it." <BR> <BR> Curious, the teacher asked, "And w... Thu, 8 Oct 2009 10:51:18 EST Murder trial ~ Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2460239 <BR> A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. <BR> <BR> "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" <BR> <BR> He looked toward the courtr... Wed, 7 Oct 2009 13:08:32 EST The Red Shirt ... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2456327 <BR> Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" <BR> <BR> The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain´s red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. <BR> <BR> The men sat around on deck that night re... Tue, 6 Oct 2009 08:47:14 EST Cabbie and the Nun ~ Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2454930 A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. <BR> <BR> She asks him why he is staring. <BR> <BR> He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". <BR> <BR> She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." <BR> <BR... Mon, 5 Oct 2009 18:20:27 EST The late son ~ joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2450820 <BR> A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: <BR> <BR> "I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable - it’s just that you look so much like my late son." <BR> <BR> "Oh, that’s ok," he said. <BR> <BR> "I know it’s silly," she continued, "but if you called out ’Goodbye, Mother’ as I leave, it would mak... Sun, 4 Oct 2009 10:28:56 EST Winter ~ too much fun!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2448847 <BR> My 2-year-old son asked our baby sitter for help in getting his boots on. <BR> <BR> He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had already worked up a sweat. <BR> <BR> She almost whimpered when my son said, "Wrong feet!" <BR> <BR> She looked and sure enough, they were on the wrong feet. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her c... Sat, 3 Oct 2009 11:19:24 EST Free haircut http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2447318 <BR> A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God’s work." <BR> <BR> The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. <BR> <BR> A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." <BR> <BR> The next morn... Fri, 2 Oct 2009 15:35:02 EST I’m fine ~ Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2440416 <BR> Farmer Joe decided his injuries from a road accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. <BR> <BR> Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I’m fine," said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule ’Bessie’ into the......." "I didn’t ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer t... Wed, 30 Sep 2009 07:30:54 EST Ever feel like this? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2437867 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/4/0/b408511.jpg"> Tue, 29 Sep 2009 10:00:16 EST Doctor's Visit ~ Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2437757 A 95 year old man said to his doctor <BR> <BR> "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?" <BR> <BR> The doctor was shocked for a second but then recomposed himself and said, <BR> <BR> "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the... Tue, 29 Sep 2009 09:23:48 EST Doctor Quotes http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2433889 - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year <BR> <BR> - On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely <BR> <BR> - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993 <BR> <BR> - The patient refused an autopsy <BR> <BR> - Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital <BR> <BR> - Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days <... Sun, 27 Sep 2009 22:39:13 EST Marriage Made in Heaven? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2428733 On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. <BR> <BR> The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if t... Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:42:18 EST No need for thanks http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2426182 A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. <BR> <BR> The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor th... Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:53:54 EST Different needs http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2424435 Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." <BR> The husband says "WHAT??" <BR> <BR> The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman." <BR> <BR> The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. <BR> <BR> So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. <BR> <BR> He walks a... Wed, 23 Sep 2009 22:49:51 EST Welfare Dept Letter Excerpts ... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2419176 The following are excerpts from actual letters received by the welfare department of an unnamed state. <BR> <BR> "I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children." <BR> <BR> "I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my <BR> baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?" <BR> <BR> "Mrs. Jackson has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy." <BR> <BR> "I cannot get sick pay, I have six children. Can you tell me why?" <BR> <BR> "I am... Tue, 22 Sep 2009 07:58:21 EST Adam and Eve ~ another joke... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2414902 <BR> After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. <BR> <BR> He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." <BR> <BR> Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" <BR> <BR> The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." <BR> <BR> "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?" Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:33:57 EST Your Name was guessed ... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2413079 <BR> One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the <BR> homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. <BR> <BR> "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the mailman comments. <BR> <BR> Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am... Sat, 19 Sep 2009 21:16:03 EST School ~ no offense to teachers- I loved all of mine of course ;-) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2409653 "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. <BR> <BR> After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. <BR> <BR> "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. <BR> <BR> "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." <BR> Fri, 18 Sep 2009 10:04:32 EST True Warning labels, once again ~ feel free to add your own ;-) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2407880 <BR> "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer. <BR> <BR> "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the ’on’ position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle. <BR> <BR> "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box. <BR> <BR> "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame. <BR> <BR> "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand... Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:02:11 EST Again - it's only a joke - no offense ;-) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2404113 Why are married women heavier than single women? <BR> <BR> Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. <BR> <BR> Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. <BR> Wed, 16 Sep 2009 10:07:01 EST A Dog Wants an Office Job http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2398153 <BR> <BR> A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." <BR> A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. <BR> <BR> Getting the idea, the receptionist got the off... Mon, 14 Sep 2009 10:27:20 EST Welcome to hell - another joke... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2396356 <BR> A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want." <BR> <BR> The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he op... Sun, 13 Sep 2009 17:02:25 EST Another Blonde Joke ~ still no offense http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2394062 A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. <BR> <BR> "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." <BR> <BR> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. <BR> <BR> The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? <BR> <BR> "Well, ... Sat, 12 Sep 2009 15:58:48 EST A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. ~ Again, no offense meant at all... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2391734 A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. <BR> <BR> The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole. <BR> <BR> Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole. <BR> <BR> The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the... Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:26:21 EST Why did the chicken cross the road?: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2389098 <BR> CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. <BR> <BR> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. <BR> <BR> GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. <BR> <BR> ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. <BR> <BR> KARL MARX: It was a ... Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:20:35 EST Not exactly the same http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2383330 Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." <BR> <BR> The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back." <BR> Tue, 8 Sep 2009 16:12:36 EST No offense ~ Blonde Joke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2380962 ... A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says," T-G-I-F." <BR> The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T." <BR> The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F." <BR> The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T." <BR> The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday." <BR> The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday." Mon, 7 Sep 2009 20:43:56 EST