CURVYDIVA86's SparkPeople Blog CURVYDIVA86's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Done punishing my body! It's been so long since I updated this blog... Yikes. After my last update in May, I had 3 more sessions with Dr. B, and 2 of them were more about family and relationship stuff than eating disorder stuff (though clearly family and relationships contribute a lot to the way I think about myself and the way I think about food). I didn't really feel like I should share that stuff here, so I just didn't write... and then all of a sudden all this time had flown by and here we are in July already! <... Sat, 6 Jul 2013 18:07:34 EST Week 5 (already!) Since I waited so long to update afer my last appointment with Dr. B, I just saw her yesterday and have another update! <BR> <BR> We spent a lot of time talking about my habits while I'm off working as a singer, because they are totally different from my habits as a "civilian" at home. My daily schedule (wake up time, work time, exercise time, etc.) will be SO different, and so are the inherent challenges. I've actually much more experienced coping with the lifestyle of a singer than with th... Thu, 23 May 2013 14:40:53 EST Week 4 Oops, I forgot to write my usual post-therapy update last week! I'm bored out of my mind at work at the moment, so it seems like as good a time as any to jot some things down. <BR> <BR> As I think I mentioned in my last blog, I had my first binge in almost a month after my last appointment. I haven't binged again since, but that whole week was really rough. First I had a lunch event at work, then we drove down to San Diego and spent a couple days with my in-laws, then we drove up to LA for M... Mon, 20 May 2013 14:50:07 EST Week 3 (really Week 4) Dr. B was out of town last week, so today was my third therapy session even though it's been 4 weeks. It was a lot like last time... we talked for awhile and then she looked through my food journal. My favorite little morsel of wisdom from this session was about the recovery process. I told her about an experience I had a couple days ago, when I was in a candy store buying a gift. That particular store always gives you a sample truffle, so I was standing there holding a box of candies and a t... Mon, 6 May 2013 21:05:18 EST Week 2 I'm writing this entry from the front desk of the fitness studio where I'm doing a work exchange... All I have to do is check in a class and sit here for an hour updating my blog, and in exchange, I get to come back on Saturday and take a free Zumba class! So worth it. <BR> <BR> Sooo I had my second therapy appointment yesterday, and it was good. We talked for awhile about my career, which I know is the single greatest source of anxiety in my life. Then she glanced through my food journal, w... Thu, 25 Apr 2013 21:43:51 EST Week 1 I had my first therapy appointment last night, and it went well. She didn't say any of the things I had worried about (telling me to stop watching what I eat or to stop exercising, telling me to just accept myself and be happy at any size, telling me I just lacked willpower, etc.) She wasn't touchy feely at all, and really, she just listened to me give my backstory for most of the session. Even though I had given that a lot of thought in advance, I got a little flustered trying to make sense ... Wed, 17 Apr 2013 14:56:45 EST Thanks and updates! First of all, thank you so much to all those who expressed support, commiserated, etc. on my last blog. It means a lot to know that there are other people out there battling with these demons, and I really do believe that we are all in various stages of winning this fight! <BR> <BR> So just in terms of updates, because there were too many to stick in one status... <BR> <BR> <em>48</em> I haven't binged in over a week, since I told my husband about it. That's a bit miraculous considering... Fri, 12 Apr 2013 23:40:42 EST It's finally time to admit that I have a binge eating disorder. First, a story... <BR> <BR> My husband had clear IBS symptoms for several years before he ever considered seeing a doctor. He always attributed the symptoms to other things (like lactose intolerance), or he just assumed that everyone dealt with these issues and kept quiet about it. Eventually, the symptoms were bad enough that he decided to see a doctor. The doctor couldn't believe he had been suffering for so long on his own, and it's been totally under control for years now thanks to some ... Sun, 7 Apr 2013 13:39:18 EST Thoughts about Bingeing Ok, first of all, I should say that I am actually in a really good place right now. My weight has been slowly but steadily going down over the past couple weeks, thanks to my heightened efforts. I still want to talk about bingeing, though, so here goes... <BR> <BR> Yesterday I was home alone for awhile in the afternoon (a rarity!) while my husband was at an appointment, and the minute he walked out of the door, I felt the urge to binge. I absolutely did not WANT to binge, but I knew that if... Fri, 22 Mar 2013 12:48:24 EST One Week of Giving it My All One week: that's all I am asking of myself. Rather than getting bogged down in the big picture stuff (like battling lifelong habits of emotional eating, my addiction to things like sugar and peanut butter, my current career frustrations, etc.), I am just going to shut up and DO IT for one week and see what happens. <BR> <BR> This is the second day. I haven't had any peanut butter. I haven't binged. I've planned and accurately journaled all my of food (on MFP). I've exercised. I've practiced... Tue, 5 Mar 2013 20:36:59 EST Oops. I missed my own Sparkiversary! February 6 is my Sparkiversary, and I missed it! The snowstorm on the East Coast actually reminded me of it, because my roommate and I started working out while we were trapped in our apartment during the epic "Snowpacalypse" in 2010. (I posted that whole story in a blog 2 years ago... Feel free to dig it out, check out the photos, etc.) <BR> <BR> I have two feelings about this. One: I am super mega proud of keeping this up (more or less) for 3 whole years without a "relapse". That's a long ... Sat, 9 Feb 2013 12:42:16 EST Where did January go? Seriously, I can't believe it's already the 23rd! I thought I should check in and see how my Resolutions are coming along... <BR> <BR> <em>267</em> Step 1: Clean up the food. <BR> I actually struggled with this for awhile. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner would be very healthy, well-planned, well-balanced meals, and then I wouldn't be able to stop eating after dinner. My mother-in-law gave us a bunch of chocolate for Christmas, and every night after dinner I'd have a piece... and then another... Wed, 23 Jan 2013 14:11:22 EST Low-Carb Turkey "Lasagna" Recipe I made this for dinner last night loosely based on a Giada recipe (which I actually saw while on a treadmill at the gym <em>246</em> ). It was delicious last night, plus it reheated really well for lunch this morning. Each serving was huge and very satisfying! It was really pretty too... I wish I had snapped a picture! <BR> <BR> Anyway, here's the recipe and nutrition facts if you want to give it a whirl. <em>4</em> <BR> <BR> INGREDIENTS <BR> Olive oil, for drizzling <BR> Kosher salt ... Mon, 7 Jan 2013 22:47:10 EST 5 Days Down It's been 5 days of dedication to healthy eating and exercise, and things are going well. I'm sure it's partially (mostly) just the processed, sugary, salty foods being flushed out of my system, but I'm down almost 4 lbs already! I was 140 on Tuesday morning, and I was 136.4 today. <BR> <BR> P90X has been working well for the most part. I'd done the cardio-based videos before (Plyo, Kenpo, Yoga, Cardio, etc), but the weights-based videos are new to me. I haven't gotten to them all yet, but ... Sun, 6 Jan 2013 12:25:50 EST SP Walk of Shame: 2013 Resolutions It's January 1, which means I am (likely one of many) making the pilgrimage back to SparkPeople. The holidays are always a food/fitness struggle, but they seemed even more difficult to navigate this year. The unhealthy food was constant and the exercise opportunities were limited, and my weight definitely crept back up a bit. I weighed in at 140 lbs this morning. Obviously, I'm not thrilled about that, but I'm not going to keep beating myself up about it. It is what it is. <BR> <BR> Last ye... Tue, 1 Jan 2013 17:48:28 EST I really do miss SP... As I indicated in a status update awhile back, I've been cheating on SP and using MyFitnessPal for awhile now. The main reason is that my husband started using MFP after finding out that his cholesterol and blood pressure levels were on the high side for his age. Obviously, that wasn't great news, but he has totally turned his lifestyle around now! In the past 5 weeks, he's lost 10 lbs and more importantly, he's gone from sedentary to very active. He's been biking nearly 100 miles per week an... Sat, 17 Nov 2012 17:50:51 EST 2 Weeks Down Ok, I feel like I should check in. My second week was definitely not as good as my first. I still burned a lot of calories (just under 3000 again), and I still planned/ate a lot of really healthy meals. The problem is, as usual, I got a bit lax and added too many impulse snacks to those plans. Nothing crazy... just bites and nibbles that I didn't need. I also had a bit of a binge attack last Wednesday while my hubby was out. It was stupid, but I took responsibility for it and tracked it. I've... Wed, 19 Sep 2012 00:46:11 EST 6 Days Down -- Time to check in! Thank you all SO much for your kind, supportive comments on my last blog! It's never easy to admit that you've fallen into bad habits, but the accountability of a public confession definitely makes it easier to get back on track. As I learned long ago, denial is my #1 enemy!! <BR> <BR> Anyway, today is my 6th day of being back on track and I am feeling great. The first few days were reeeeeally tough and I'm not gonna lie, I was SO hungry! It wasn't fun, but I kept at it, and good behavior i... Sun, 9 Sep 2012 17:29:56 EST I've been avoiding writing this big time... I can't believe how long it's been since I updated this. When I put something off, it just gets harder and harder to actually do it. I know this is true, but I always fall into this pattern! I'm sorry. I've been tracking, but I've been a terrible Spark Friend and have just been glancing through blogs without commenting on them. I will get back to it soon, I swear! <BR> <BR> The last month or so has been really challenging, which is a nice way to say that I've been doing really poorly. Actual... Tue, 4 Sep 2012 00:03:19 EST One Week Down It's been a full 7 days of my 3 week 'No Sugar/Flour' streak, and I feel really good! The scale showed an even 2 lbs loss this week, which is encouraging. Of course, those are the same 2 lbs I've been gaining and losing all summer, so the real test will be next week's weigh in. <BR> <BR> Feel free to check out my tracker for exactly what I've been eating! If you want to be super technical, I think there is a little sugar in some things I've eaten (Annie's Lite Natural Poppyseed Dressing, Lau... Tue, 17 Jul 2012 11:31:38 EST Wow, I have gotten really bad about blogging... I just saw that my last blog was from over a MONTH ago, and I did a double take! I can't believe that much time has passed. I kept telling myself that I'd update when I had something new/interesting to say and apparently nothing ever seemed worth mentioning beyond a status update. Sorry, friends! <BR> <BR> So yeah, I've been here in upstate NY for 6 weeks today. Things were going really well and I felt pretty good about my decisions until recently. As I said in my last blog, there are lots ... Tue, 10 Jul 2012 23:14:33 EST Hello from upstate NY! After a really great, relaxing few days with my parents, I headed up to NY last Monday and have been here just about a week now. I expected many food and fitness-related challenges here.... and I was right. Some are better than expected and some are worse. <BR> <BR> The good news is that there are actually a lot of fitness opportunities here. I'm staying in a big, solidly built old house, so I can definitely do workout DVDs here without really bothering anyone or worrying about the floors ca... Sun, 3 Jun 2012 11:35:25 EST When did the East Coast get so humid? Seriously, after spending the last couple summers in California and Santa Fe, I cannot believe the humidity here!! Here = CT, where I'm here spending a few days with my parents before heading up to NY for the rest of the summer. <BR> <BR> Oh, speaking of my parents, my mom has a Spark account of her very own (Yay!) and reads this blog now (HI MOM!) <BR> <BR> Anyway, my last bit of time at home in California went really well. In the past 10 days, I've finished Body Revolution, run something ... Sat, 26 May 2012 00:05:44 EST Halfway through May... Yikes! I'm not sure how it can possibly be May 15 already, but it is! Crazy. <BR> <BR> So just to touch base about the rest of last week... I did SO well while I was traveling. I sought out really healthy meal options, did not eat out of boredom in airports and while in transit, etc. I felt really good about myself, both for taking the time to plan and for sticking to it! <BR> <BR> I flew home from Milwaukee on Friday night, and then my hubby and I drove down to LA bright and early Saturday morni... Tue, 15 May 2012 13:46:47 EST Epiphany: Take pride in the effort! I'm in Chicago for an audition this afternoon, so I shouldn't be spending tons of time blogging... but I had to jot this down while it's fresh! <BR> <BR> Obviously it's no secret that I've been struggling lately. I really appreciated all of your support and comments on my last blog, but I continued to feel sorry for myself and I let my frustration get the better of me. Since I was heading out of town for a couple days, I made cookies as a treat for my hubby (who is studying 12 hours a day fo... Thu, 10 May 2012 12:53:43 EST Feeling Down I really need to let this out, so I apologize in advance for a whiny blog. <BR> <BR> I've been feeling out of sorts all day. I realized that it's been 4 full months of me trying hard to get back down to last year's weight. I feel like I've tried everything... In January, I re-adopted the nutrition/fitness plan that got me where I wanted to be last year. When I realized that it wasn't yielding the results I wanted, I started playing around. I played with caloric intake, macros, exercise plans... Sun, 6 May 2012 00:41:02 EST Goodbye April, Hello May! Wow, I wrote this whole blog and then accidentally closed the window before posting it. ARGG!! Ok, here goes Take #2. <BR> <BR> April was kind of a crazy month for me. It started with some really fun performances, my last in Seattle for a year. <BR> <BR> Here's me backstage in my favorite costume: <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> When the show closed, my hubby and I packed up and moved back home to California. Right around then, my foot st... Tue, 1 May 2012 00:14:19 EST Binge Mentality Last night, my hubby went out for dinner with his PhD advisor, so I was left to my own devices. I carefully prepared and enjoyed a beautiful, healthy salad, logged it in my nutrition tracker... and then went into the kitchen and ate 6 tablespoons of Bettern PB. <BR> <BR> Immediately, I felt ill, both because of the extra 300 calories I had consumed and because I had broken my binge-free streak. 300 calories of low fat nut butter might not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of binges, b... Sat, 21 Apr 2012 00:57:10 EST Back to the grindstone! It's been 4 days of giving it 100%, and I feel really great. <BR> <BR> Eating has been right on target... I've been in my calorie zone for 4 days now without any binges or mindless nibbling. I honestly haven't been worrying about macros, just eating stuff that I know is healthy and delicious, and yet the macros have been pretty darn close to the 40-20-40 I had been aiming for. So I am feeling really liberated while simultaneously meeting my goal... I'll take it! <BR> <BR> After taking almo... Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:19:44 EST A long, boring blog about my food issues. Ok, I just wrote this super long, probably incredibly boring blog entry because I needed to work through some things mentally. Please do not feel compelled to read this; I just had to make sense of some of the things swarming around in my head. <BR> <BR> ~~~~~~~~~ <BR> <BR> I think I'm an extremist. That is to say, I have this "all or nothing" mentality about weight loss and healthy living. Even after losing weight and (mostly) keeping it off, I still feel like there's a "right" way to do t... Sat, 14 Apr 2012 15:17:01 EST How do you adjust your lifestyle for an injury? Ok, first some good news --After 14 hours of driving, Hubby, Kitty, and I are home in California! Yay! <BR> <BR> The bad news -- I have some kind of foot injury. The weather was gorgeous in Seattle last weekend, so I ran 4 miles on Friday and 5 miles on Saturday. After that Saturday run, my whole right leg was kind of sore, like something running all the way up the outside back of my leg was tight. I stretched and it went away, so on Sunday, Hubby and I took a 3 mile walk. That night, my rig... Thu, 12 Apr 2012 22:45:24 EST A Couple Yummy Things, Plus Costume Pics! Happy Wednesday, Sparkies! <BR> <BR> As I mentioned in a status a couple days ago, we got some basil for homemade pizzas this weekend and now there's lots left over! I LOVE basil, so I've been finding yummy ways to use it. Here are a couple winners!! <BR> <BR> Open-Faced Tomato/Basil/Cheese Sandwich <BR> <img src=""> <BR> 1 slice of Ezekiel bread, topped with 1 slice lite muenster cheese, tomato, garlic, and basil. I popped this in the ... Wed, 28 Mar 2012 16:12:32 EST Checking In! Hi everyone! <BR> <BR> Yet again, I've managed to go 2 weeks without blogging. Oops! Things have been going pretty well, so I haven't had much to say... <BR> <BR> I've gotten back on track with my nutrition and have been feeling pretty good about my choices. There have been indulgences here and there (like the pizza my hubby made this weekend!), but they've been totally planned, tracked, and burned off. The main thing is that I haven't been mindlessly eating or bingeing, which means that my... Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:53:53 EST Long Overdue Blog! Wow, I just realized it's been over 2 weeks since my last blog. Yikes! I guess that's kind of representative of my state of mind. I've been all over the map when it comes to fitness/nutrition. <BR> <BR> First things first... I had a good trip to LA and made good decisions about 75% of the time. The gym at my hotel was woefully bad, so I went back up to my hotel room, turned on some music, and did a combination of cardio circuits, Zumba, and pushups/crunches. That burned about 500 calories in... Sat, 10 Mar 2012 19:14:43 EST Traveling in (Healthy) Style Well, I am off to LA for the weekend! In the past, I have really struggled to make healthy choices on travel days. Every time I'm in an airport, I have flashbacks of the fast food and pasties and frozen yogurt I used to consume while traveling... and I just can't believe I ever put that crap in my body. <BR> <BR> The thing is, there aren't many alternatives, even at decent airports. I mean, I'm in the Seattle airport right now, and Seattle is a reasonably health-conscious city. Even so, the... Thu, 23 Feb 2012 18:47:01 EST Breakfast dessert? Has anyone else seen this article? <BR> <BR> <link><BR>trition/dessert-at-breakfast-may-help-<BR>dieters.html </link> <BR> <BR> I know it sounds crazy, but I thought I'd try it on a small scale. I've had a banana bite with breakfast for the past few days (banana bite = a frozen, dark chocolate covered slice of banana... I buy them at Trader Joe's and they're awesome!). Maybe it's just a placebo effect, but I haven't had my usual afternoon sugar/sweets... Wed, 22 Feb 2012 01:22:33 EST Jillian Michaels Body Revolution Just a quick note to say that I started the Body Revolution program today! I'm not following her meal plan exactly, but I am going to loosely follow her calorie/macro recommendations. It seems like not quite enough food to me (~1200 calories per day), but I'm just going to try it for a week and see what happens. It's not like I'm losing weight doing what I'm doing now, so why not. <BR> <BR> The workouts are only 30 minutes, and Week 1 seems to be reeeeally easy compared to the other stuff I'... Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:51:36 EST Not much to report I suppose I should recap this week, but it doesn't feel like there's much to report. I've just been plugging along and hoping for results to come! <BR> <BR> <em>341</em> <BR> Nutrition-wise, things have been really good. I've been staying in my calorie range, eating lots of protein, varying my carbs but keeping them low-ish, etc. We've been cooking a lot and haven't really had any big splurge meals to speak of. Next week, I think I just need to make sure that I'm not eating any bites or ni... Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:21:08 EST Two Year Sparkiversary! I technically joined SP in May 2008, but I consider Feb 6, 2010 the first day I really felt the Spark. It was the first workout I did with my workout buddy, when we laid the groundwork for all the changes that would come. That means today was my Two Year Sparkiversary! <BR> <BR> Last year I posted the whole story of my first workout with my roommate, how we turned one workout into a lifestyle change, and how our lives changed for the better over the course of a year. Well, I don't think I n... Tue, 7 Feb 2012 01:33:52 EST Feeling much better. :-) Thanks so much for all of your kind comments on my last blog. I think a lot of you are right, that almost anyone's arms would look bad in that position/from that angle. I know I look better than I did 30 pounds ago, but obviously I have plenty of lingering emotional/mental hangups (my arms being a big one). I think most of us are working through that in some way. <BR> <BR> Anyway, I am feeling much better now. The scale went UP again today (to 138.2) which proves that it is seriously impossi... Sat, 4 Feb 2012 20:12:20 EST Feeling kinda down. Our development director sent me the professional photos from my recital today, and they are really bad. I'm trying not to fixate, but I can't stop looking at them, and I get more upset every time I do. <BR> <BR> I know that I'm not as fit as I was last March, but I also know that I'm not anywhere near as big as I used to be. So how is it possible that I look exactly the same in photos from Sunday as I did 5 years and 30 pounds ago?? <BR> <BR> See for yourself. <BR> <BR> This is from Sund... Wed, 1 Feb 2012 23:20:40 EST Where has January gone?? Seriously, how is it January 31st already?! That just blows my mind. I had high hopes for this month. I planned to be back to (or under) 135 by now, but the scale just isn't cooperating despite my best efforts. Oh well, slow and steady has always worked for me in the past, so it'll work for me now too. I am trying to trust the process! <BR> <BR> Let's see... This week's recap... <BR> <BR> <em>341</em> <BR> Nutrition was really good last week. I was a bit low on the calories, I suppose, bu... Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:23:35 EST So I bought this fat loss monitor... Specifically, I bought this one: <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> (Omron HBF-306C Fat Loss Monitor, Black) <BR> <BR> It was $30 on Amazon, which I thought was totally worthwhile if this actually worked. I've tried it a few times, at different points in the day (though always a couple hours after meals, as the instructions dictated) and it has consistently given me a reading of 27-28%. <BR> <BR> According to Wikipedia, for women: <BR> <BR> ... Sat, 28 Jan 2012 20:21:52 EST Snow Days, Special Deliveries, Cupcakes, and Weekly Check In Hi everyone! Sorry it's been awhile since my last blog. This past week was interesting... Seattle got some snow and we had a couple days at home in the middle of the week. That made exercise easier, but it made nutrition a challenge! Usually I eat breakfast at home, pack my lunch and snacks to eat at work, and eat dinner at home. Instead, I had some days where I had all my meals at home... which meant hanging out... staring at the fridge and pantry... No fun!! <BR> <BR> Also, my very generou... Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:56:32 EST Slipped up a bit. Oops. Sooo I planned out all my meals last night and this morning I made a yummy, healthy salad to bring to work for lunch. I was supposed to eat between 1-2pm, but I ended up having to get some other stuff done instead. By the time I was finally able to eat, it was 3:30pm and I was STARVING. I got home and ate some carrots with homemade hummus, and then some yogurt... and then some pop chips... and then a protein bar. <BR> <BR> I mean, my past binges were something epic, and I can see that this ... Mon, 16 Jan 2012 23:53:54 EST Happy almost weekend!! I have today off, so I thought I'd check in even though the week isn't technically over yet. Here's my very long update: <BR> <BR> Things have been going really well!!! I've been staying in my calorie range with ease, and my macros have mostly been on track. The one exception was yesterday... I was dyyyying for chocolate (thanks, TOM) and opted to have a small piece after dinner instead of eating my cottage cheese and fruit. <BR> <BR> <em>341</em> <BR> I know people say that you should k... Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:05:40 EST All settled in Seattle Hello from Seattle! Hubby, Kitty, and I are all settled in our new place after 14 hours of driving, 1 night of hotel, 2 days of unpacking, and spending $400 at Target. <BR> <BR> (Our little guy in the car:) <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> The trip wasn't terrible, health-wise. Obviously I wasn't as on-point with the nutrition as I would have been under better circumstances, but it could have been a lot worse. There was no fast food or mindl... Mon, 9 Jan 2012 19:03:09 EST Going strong! Yes, it's only been 3 days, but they have been 3 good days! I've stuck to my two resolutions (Make choices I can be proud of / Be true to myself and my needs), and it has served me really well. <BR> <BR> I've been staying in a decent calorie range despite being at my in-laws' house (where I don't have much control over my food). My carbs are all from fruits and veggies; no sugar (or even flour) here! I've been sleeping 8+ hours a night. I've been drinking lots of water. I got in a really gre... Tue, 3 Jan 2012 22:36:33 EST Why hello, 2012! Happy New Year, Spark Friends!!! <BR> <BR> I hope everyone had a fun, festive, safe New Years Eve. My hubby and I had a great evening going out to a wonderful dinner and a concert. We were having such a good time that we kind of forgot to take pictures, but it was very memorable all the same! <BR> <BR> Anyway, I guess I haven't been very active on SP lately. It's been such a long time since I last blogged. Rather than re-hashing every moment of the past 2 weeks, I'll just say that I definit... Sun, 1 Jan 2012 18:45:34 EST Colds are the worst. They really are. At least when you have a stomach bug, you get the benefits of that whole "one stomach flu away from my goal weight" thing. <em>246</em> <BR> <BR> Ok, I'm joking. All illnesses suck. But as a singer, colds really just kill me. I can't sing (except for croaking out some impressive/scary baritone-range notes), which is problematic considering how much music I need to learn by January. I've been plodding along with "silent" work (translating, checking pronunciation, listening ... Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:30:41 EST