CRBSMITH1968's SparkPeople Blog CRBSMITH1968's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Guilt, Shame and Strange Motivation I experience a lot of guilt and shame when I gain weight. I feel like a failure and like I'll never get back to "where I want to be." This starts when I've gained a few pounds and just keeps hammering away at me until I feel so terrible about myself that I start eating doughnuts and candy bars and too much at meals times. Obviously, this causes more weight gain and more feelings of failure. Eventually, I will mentally dig myself out and decide it's time to start feeling good. Sometimes I... Wed, 4 Jan 2012 15:01:47 EST First Week Back I've been back at SP for about a week now. I've really been reflecting on what it means to make a lifestyle change and about my goal to make peace with myself this year. For me, that means admitting that I'm a chronic crash dieter and subsequent gainer. I had an eating disorder in high school and college and still have a somewhat distorted relationship with food. Beyond just realizing that, I need to be at peace with this fact about myself and not let it sabotage my desire to make a perma... Tue, 3 Jan 2012 12:14:12 EST Couch to 5 5 Week 4 Day 2 - First Setback My hip pain has not gone away. I adjusted my bed and woke up feeling like it was less so I started out with my Couch to 5K Week 4 training this morning but had to quit before the last 5 minute run because my hip was really starting to bother me. I quit when I felt a great big tear roll down my face!! It was painful just to walk the rest of the way home. So I will be taking some rest days until it clears up and then try to figure out if I should pick up where I left off or backtrack a litt... Fri, 24 Jun 2011 10:52:54 EST Couch to 5 K Week 4 Day 1 This morning it was raining and I didn't go out for training until after it stopped - just wasn't that amazingly motivated to get soaking wet! But I did get out right before lunch and ran on the high school track. This week, I am up to 5 minutes running at a time and I made it almost exactly 2 laps around the track! So I ran half a mile continuously and I felt good doing it. I also know this means at this pace I could do a 5K in around 30 minutes. My goal is to RUN the whole 5K...I will ... Wed, 22 Jun 2011 17:43:59 EST Couch to 5 K Week 3 Day 3 - Why am I Doing This? I'm on a mood upswing right now. I had a very productive few days of working, making 3 new digital scrapbook products in three days, which is a lot. The downside is that I'm having trouble sleeping - I was up late last night because my mind was racing and I couldn't calm down enough to slumber. So it was hard to get up this morning and I wasn't excited about my training. Also, I started questioning why I'm doing this. Earlier this year, I was reading some books (personal memoirs) about e... Mon, 20 Jun 2011 11:12:10 EST Couch 2 5K Week 3 - overcoming technical difficulties I'm blogging about 2 workouts today. Week 3 day 1 was schedule for 2 days ago and my intention was to run before I went on a short road trip to freshman orientation with my eldest daughter, who is starting college in August. Well, it was raining and I didn't leave myself enough time to complete the workout so I didn't run in the morning, but I did pack my running shoes and clothes so I could try and fit it in during orientation, which was a 2 day event with an overnight at the college in the... Fri, 17 Jun 2011 09:49:55 EST 2 Weeks of Training Completed I had a crummy weekend, eating-wise but when I got on the scale this morning, I was relieved to see that I had not gained any weight. My second daughter baked 3 big batches of cookies on Friday and Saturday and I ate too many. I don't think the C25K program in the beginning is "vigorous" enough to cause any weight decrease. I think I'm only burning about 200 calories per workout in this section of the program. Depending on how I feel, I will think about getting serious about cross training... Mon, 13 Jun 2011 12:04:26 EST Couch 2 5K Week 2 Day 2 - Slow and Steady Wins the Race My mental health is much better today. I actually woke up feeling better yesterday. I had a very stressful day because my daughter accidentally took the wrong dose of her medicine at the wrong time and I had to take her to the emergency room. It was scary! She is fine - she went home before bedtime and should not have any lasting effects. But the weird thing is that bursts of stress or crisis (not chronic stress, which is different) fires up my mental health and zips me out of depression.... Fri, 10 Jun 2011 11:19:15 EST Mental Health and C2 5K Week 2 My mental health is getting to be a problem for me but I do know that I won't stay in any one place on my mood continuum forever - it just feels like it sometimes. I have had a terrible time getting up in the morning the past week. It is like fighting my way up from the bottom of the ocean and the ONLY reason I get up is to make sure the kids are off to school on time. There is no other reason. I know it's my medication and low mood so I made the decision last night to skip my dose one tim... Wed, 8 Jun 2011 10:28:51 EST C25K W1D3 - HOT mama I was excited to do my Week 1 Day 3 workout today because my shins are barely hurting at all and my quads have NO pain in them after a rest day. I woke up from having a dream about running a race, which is kind of funny. My mood is a little on the low side right now - I am not compulsively working or cleaning, which is good but I am quite groggy even with 9 hours of sleep. The good side is that I am content most of the time...but the house is messy and I'm behind on some work stuff. I ca... Mon, 6 Jun 2011 14:25:30 EST Couch 2 5K Mental Game I felt so great after my first C25K workout that I was really excited to keep going...but then the pain slowly started to build up in my legs - especially my shins. It's a good thing that I have a goal to work for, instead of saying I'm going to "try" running because that's the only thing that got me to do my workout today. I was not excited at all and I also couldn't decide where to go. <BR> <BR> Finally I decided to just make a decision, whatever it was and GO. I knew the workout was o... Sat, 4 Jun 2011 11:08:06 EST First Couch to 5K Workout Monday was Memorial Day so I'm mentally off all this week - I thought it was Friday but it's Thursday and after the excitement of getting new running shoes/socks, shorts and a sports bra yesterday, I actually had a little trepidation before starting my first C25K workout this morning. Every time in the past when I've tried brisk walking or a little bit of running (like doing the mile fitness test last year here on Spark People), I've felt crummy during and after the workout. Medium fast wal... Thu, 2 Jun 2011 10:28:33 EST I'm Back Well I had a great run at SP last year but I fell off the bandwagon a bit around the holidays. It all started when I was on jury duty for nearly 2 weeks and had a hard time fitting in my workouts while being downtown all day long. I also became less careful about what I ate and quit using the nutrition tracker so I've gained 10 pounds back of the 30 I lost - I think almost 3 pounds in the last 2 weeks after going on a cruise!! But it's the time of year I get excited about going outside and... Wed, 1 Jun 2011 12:35:51 EST Exceeded my Goal My original goal on SparkPeople was to lose 30 pounds. I've lost 34 pounds and have basically gone into maintenance mode. I "supersized" my goal a few weeks after I started here because I had so much excitement and enthusiasm for the site and how well I was doing and the progress that I saw others making. It was definitely positive peer pressure. But as I have hovered around this weight I have realized that I am just in a season of life where it would be best for me to stay here. I am th... Wed, 10 Nov 2010 11:22:17 EST Longest Continuous Workout The Turbo Fire DVDs come with a workout program that I am following except I am moving my rest day from Wednesday (their schedule) to Sunday (my schedule). When I first started my weight loss efforts, all I could manage was about 20 minutes three times a week. I couldn't even wrap my brain around the idea of working out almost every day. NOW, I am excited to work out! Today's workout is the longest one I've ever tried - 55 minutes of intense cardio, including 2 HIIT intervals in the middl... Thu, 23 Sep 2010 16:57:39 EST Ready to PUSH I did the first High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) class with Turbo Fire today. It's only 15 minutes long and I was able to complete ALL the intervals. I need some more practice to get the moves down better but I did not have to quit because I was physically unable to do them. Again, I felt really energized and good after this workout and I was NOT sore from yesterday. After EACH interval, I felt a great sense of accomplishment. I think I'm really going to love this program. Up unt... Tue, 21 Sep 2010 14:13:22 EST This Momma Ain't No Pansy My Turbo Fire DVDs came today and I was able to test drive the first 30-minute workout. I did have a few naysayers looking on. It was kind of funny. I did 40 minutes of Turbo Jam cardio this morning and I was honestly adding extra kicks and moves to make it hard enough. I *knew* I was ready for something harder. I used to poop out half way through that workout! <BR> <BR> But some of my kids watched the intro Turbo Fire DVD and thought the moves looked pretty hard. Honestly, I did too! ... Mon, 20 Sep 2010 23:03:20 EST Stopped but Restarting So I've been holding steady weight wise for about 2 weeks I think. I have not been tracking my food and my working out has been sporadic so I'm actually surprised I haven't gained. I started back selling my digital designs at a site where I used to work and all my extra time and mental energy has been going into getting started there. And honestly I haven't had a whole lot of extra mental energy because school has started and I've been having trouble with my moods, migrained, medication an... Thu, 16 Sep 2010 14:50:18 EST Progress Pictures, 30 pounds lost I have a "sort of before" picture and and a now picture up on my spark page. I was too mortified to really take a before picture but I did take one when I had lost 10 pounds and again at 30 pounds lost. (now) I am excited because I now fit into ALL the clothes in my closet. 20 pounds was what I put on while being on medication for bipolar and then I kept on with bad eating habits and gained another 10. I am on a different medication now and feeling good most days. Exercise and eating righ... Wed, 1 Sep 2010 10:53:40 EST More Family Drama My eldest daughter is really shaking stuff up around here. She ran away from home for 2 days (we have her back). The stress is really dragging me down. Even though she is home safe, we have lots of aftermath to deal with. She was vomiting when she got here. She hadn't taken her mental health medications. She had gone to urgent care, needing IV fluids. Obviously, we can't just act like nothing happened and she has lost all her privileges like having a phone, driving the car and using the ... Thu, 26 Aug 2010 11:22:17 EST Reflections on 3 Months of Sparking So a few days ago, I passed my 3 month spark anniversary here. It seems like a good time to review my progress. So far I have lost 28.6 pounds. That's only 1.6 pounds away from my initial goal of 30 pounds, which I wanted to reach by Sept. 5. I should make that and want to keep going to my longer term goal of 50 pounds lost by the end of the year. I have lost 12.75 inches off my waist, hips, arms and thighs. I am down 3 solid pants sizes. There is almost no "muffin top" when I wear jean... Fri, 20 Aug 2010 16:35:37 EST Suicide Attempt - Repost something went wrong first time I posted this. Here is the complete version <BR> <BR> Suicide Attempt <BR> Those words have ruled my life since July 22. That's when my 17-yr old daughter intentionally overdosed. She suffers from depression and anxiety and it all got to be too much. I spent the next 4.5 days with her in the hospital. She was seriously ill. But I want to say that GOD IS FAITHFUL and He definitely saved her life. <BR> <BR> Let me back up a little – <BR> <BR> Lately, I ... Sun, 8 Aug 2010 19:12:40 EST Suicide Attempt this blog post was incomplete!! can't figure out how to delete so I am reposting. <BR> <BR><BR>_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3515964 Sun, 8 Aug 2010 16:23:53 EST Success While Away from Home I was gone to a Christian music festival for four and a half days last week (Wed - Sun) and I still had a loss on the scale yesterday! I have not done cardio for a week. I do it M-W-F and didn't get it fit it on the day we left because of packing and stuff. BUT!! I walked approximately 4 miles every day while we were gone - the camping area was located away from the music area. In fact we had to walk to do everything including showering and using the porta-potties LOL. <BR> <BR> What's ... Mon, 19 Jul 2010 17:56:37 EST Already and Not Yet That's where I am. I've already lost almost 20 pounds but I'm not yet happy with how I look. Actually, I thought I was until I walked toward a three-way mirror in the Target dressing room last night. I absolutely did not like how my upper thighs jiggled and chubbed. I don't have a full length mirror at home (probably a good thing) and I was wearing workout shorts, which was a bit of a mistake in public. It was just more than I needed to see. <BR> <BR> Earlier in the day, I did my monthl... Tue, 13 Jul 2010 18:20:21 EST More Understanding Yesterday continued the menstrual problems. I had an enormous headache most of the day and I was crabby and tired. I couldn't face doing any exercises so I didn't. My food choices were poor although I managed to keep my portions scaled back compared to what I might usually eat. I only went over my calories by about 150. This morning I posted what I ate into my food tracker and noticed that my sodium was pretty high as it the previous day also. I have just begun to track that. <BR> <BR> ... Wed, 7 Jul 2010 09:23:05 EST With Apologies to the Guys sorry guys, this is about hormones. LOL <BR> <BR> Seriously, it's hard to track weight loss when Auntie Flo comes around and messes with water weight and your appetite. I thought I was going to go to the loony bin yesterday without some chocolate. I had eaten a nice filling dinner and I sat there thinking, "was that IT!!?? neeeeed chocolate. need it NOW." I had 2 servings of No Pudge brownies and then I ended up with a belly ache when I was already bloated. Oh PLEASE. <BR> <BR> Pretty s... Tue, 6 Jul 2010 08:45:59 EST MELTDOWN I had a meltdown yesterday and I want to dissect it for its instructional value now that I am removed from the situation and can think about it more clearly. It culminated in me nearly crying on my kitchen floor with half the fridge spread out on the floor around me. I was really upset that I couldn't find the fresh mozzarella to make my favorite salad with tomatoes, basil, balsamic vinegar, olive oil and the cheese. It started 2 hours earlier when I told my #2 daughter that I would finall... Thu, 1 Jul 2010 23:00:41 EST Precarious Position I am in a bit of a precarious spot right now. The weight loss is starting to show and people are noticing and saying how great I look. Some of my clothes that didn't fit before do now. I feel stronger and better than when I started. <BR> <BR> So why is this a problem? I feel a little like taking it easy, gliding along and maybe changing my goals to 40 pounds lost instead of 50. My initial goal was 30 and I'm halfway there now. I am only 5 pounds away from being in the "normal" BMI zone... Thu, 1 Jul 2010 13:56:54 EST Discipline Multiplied In the middle of March, I went to a mini retreat and really met the Lord for some healing in my emotions and mood. I purposed in my heart to renew my daily Bible study/journaling/quiet time and have been pretty consistent since then. I think that is a HUGE reason I have been able to consistent with nutrition and exercise since starting SP in the middle of May. <BR> <BR> Instead jamming in a big thick double slice peanut butter and jelly the minute I get up, I wait and eat a little later ... Tue, 29 Jun 2010 13:23:09 EST A Confession and New Strength I had to admit to the truth to myself this morning, as painful as it was. This will probably seem really obvious, but I am an overeater. Seriously, I was in denial about this – telling myself ridiculous things like, "I'm NOT an overeater, I just eat too much sometimes." Sure, then why is my waist the size that it is? <BR> Coming to terms with this is freeing, not shameful. It feels like it doesn't have such a grip on me anymore. That I am not hiding and ashamed of my eating anymore. And t... Thu, 24 Jun 2010 17:21:39 EST *BOO* on Fake Food I am through buying fake food. I don’t get it a lot but I think I've been disappointed with almost everything I've ever gotten that was meant to be a "healthier" version of the real thing. I would rather have 5 chips and some real homemade guacamole than the ridiculous guacamole "flavored" quaker rice crispy things I bought at the store this past weekend. They were only a buck a bag and around 100 calories per serving. That's from memory because I threw away the bag pretty fast – about 5... Wed, 23 Jun 2010 08:48:52 EST Swimming Suit Story We went to the beach yesterday for a little fun on Father's Day. Like many people here, the idea of being seen in public in a bathing suit is a little less than exciting for me. I have this one swimming suit that I think I've had for about 8 years and it is literally beginning to disintegrate on me. It's a two piece where none of your belly shows and it has a little skirt. I actually really like it and am sad that it is falling apart. That probably has a little bit to do with the fact that... Mon, 21 Jun 2010 09:25:01 EST Settling Into Strength Training I am mentally more used to the strength training. I did two SP-generated workouts this week but was having some trouble with the wall push-ups and "superman" because of a wrist surgery from years ago and some low back issues. So I swapped out for some other exercises that still work my back and arms but aren't so painful. I've added a 10-minute cardio warm-up with Coach Nicole, which I find to be a great warm-up (and an additional 300 calories burned per week). My legs are *almost* done h... Sat, 19 Jun 2010 14:18:46 EST Testing I had a big rollercoaster of a day yesterday. Our eldest daughter got caught for underage drinking and I had to go get her in the middle of the night. In the morning we had to start talking about her consequences and where to go from here. We did not want to be out to punish her (the legal system will do that) but unravel how she got to this point and what areas we can reign her in so she is less likely to get into situations like this in the future. <BR> <BR> She melted down in the middl... Fri, 18 Jun 2010 21:55:02 EST Inches Lost and Lessons Learned I've been here for about a month now. I've stayed in my calorie range every day except for one when I was over by 50. I've doing at least 90 minutes of cardio every week. My results: <BR> <BR> 11 pounds lost <BR> 4.5 inches lost <BR> <BR> All my pants are looser in the waist and in the seat and I can see the difference in my mid-section and my face too. I feel like I've already made some major, positive changes in my health and that doing cardio is getting to be a habit and something I lo... Wed, 16 Jun 2010 18:14:46 EST I Dislike Muscle Fatigue I'm going to record this thought here on my blog to see if I feel the same way a few months down the road or not. <BR> <BR> I really, really dislike muscle fatigue. By that, I mean, I do NOT like that worn out feeling in my legs or arms or especially my lower back after doing strength training or concentrated work in one area like an abs-only workout. Right now, it does not make me feel good or energized like a nice challenging cardio workout. It feels more like a drag on the rest of my da... Tue, 15 Jun 2010 20:07:44 EST The Problem with Worry On the weekend I started a blog post with some reminders and plans for myself the next time I go through a bout of depression. I thought it was going to be useful and uplifting to me to have some plans in place to keep me on track, focused and healthy when my mood is out of control. Surprisingly, the more I thought about it, the more I started to go in the tank emotionally. Just THINKING about (and probably fretting about) getting depressed was itself depressing. I wrote in my journal thi... Mon, 14 Jun 2010 15:37:01 EST Summer Vacation Starts Today is the first day of the kids summer break from school. I don't think I'm mentally prepared this year. I also have a lot of things I want to work on this summer in addition to exercising and staying on track nutritionally. <BR> • Keep going with Inductive Bible Study (I'm in 1 John right now) <BR> • Work - finishing loading digital scrapbook products in my store <BR> • Work – Advertise more consistently <BR> • Work - Design a new weight loss digital scrapbook kit <BR> • Reorganize kids'... Fri, 11 Jun 2010 10:07:48 EST Started my Weight Lost Scrapbook Yesterday, I got the first reward I set for myself for a 10-pound weight loss. It was a digital scrapbook kit and I made the title page for an 8x8 album I am going to make to memorialize and document where I've come from and where I'm going. I hope this will encourage and support me along the way and when I am in maintenance mode. Here's the first page. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 09:41:34 EST First Ten Pounds GONE My weekly weigh-in on Monday morning showed me a little short of 10 pounds lost and I really want my first reward so I weighed myself again this morning hoping that I would be going shopping today. I *AM*. I have a weight-loss themed digital scrapbook kit picked out and I am buying it TODAY. Woot! My jeans are getting looser, my legs and abs are getting stronger and I look forward to my cardio days and pilates workouts. <BR> <BR> Also yesterday, I had a big reminder of how poorly I work ... Wed, 9 Jun 2010 08:59:10 EST My Goals and My Favorite Day of the Week I love Tuesday. Today is my grocery shopping day. I'll go to Aldi, Trader Joe's and Cub Foods (local chain) to get what I need. Usually I would go for a week, but I'm getting what we need through Saturday this time until I build up my menu plans again to cut out the corn dogs, ramen and other junk I sometimes feed my family. I have an extreme dislike for doing things over again that I've already done so I'm a little irritated that my previous menu system has to kind of go in the trash but... Tue, 8 Jun 2010 11:59:29 EST Menu Planning = Stress I have done 1-week menu plans for years now to cut down on the number of times I have to drag my kids to the store. I had about 6 weeks of different foods that I would rotate through the weekly menu. Some of it is healthier than other stuff but basically a LOT of it doesn't fit in with South Beach living. I feel kind of trapped because I want my kids (all 6 of them) to eat their dinner and not end of being food freaks but I also want to plan meals that are in line with SB too. What I've be... Mon, 7 Jun 2010 13:37:01 EST Settling In for the Long Haul I have been here at SP for about 3 weeks now and am starting to settle in. I wasn't sure how long I would be around and was at first focused on a three-month goal of losing 30 pounds by the beginning of September. Maybe I was thinking I would be off on my own after that and wouldn't need SP any more but after some more reading around here, I believe I'm going to be here for a while! <BR> <BR> I have reset my goal to lose 52 pounds by the end of 2010. It's a HUGE, HUGE step for me to say I ... Mon, 7 Jun 2010 11:43:05 EST