COACHMILLICAN's SparkPeople Blog COACHMILLICAN's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Long time Hello spark friends. I just got my computer back from being fixed. <BR> <BR> Lotsa water under the bridge. Bad news is, I'm back to an fairly high point in my current weight. I've gained back all that I've lost in the past 10 years. <BR> <BR> Good news is: Hell, I'm here, and I'm blogging. <BR> <BR> How does that Philosophy Talk statement go? "I think, therefore, I blog." A bit of arrogance, but I can see the point. If I take advantage of this medium, it's a great forum to share my tho... Fri, 20 Oct 2017 01:35:15 EST Starting over Ok. I'm starting over. Going through changes. Therapy helps. So does doing things that feed and nourish my soul. Yeah, I'm smoking again. Bad, I know. And I'm drinking. Not to excess, but there was a time that I wasn't drinking at all. Yeah, I know, it's empty calories. <BR> <BR> I've gained so much weight--it's ridiculous. I am now at 315# with my clothes on--the heaviest I've weighed in almost 10 years. <BR> <BR> I'm worried about my future. I'm struggling to pay all my bills--I may hav... Sat, 17 Jun 2017 22:55:50 EST MAY 2017 DRIVING VLOG I describe revelations on what I did in the past wherein I was successful, with the past 20 years, where I have failed miserably... to lose weight. Thu, 1 Jun 2017 22:19:57 EST The day I know this is better if it is more specifically directed, but I just feel the need to share, so here I am. <BR> <BR> I'm more lonely than anything else, and I've got a house guest, my brother, who has been with me since yesterday. <BR> <BR> After 24 hours I'm exhausted. I love my brother, but I generally can take my family only in small doses. <BR> <BR> They overwhelm me. <BR> <BR> I haven't logged my food in ages, I started smoking again, I've gained 25 lbs and I want to crawl into a... Mon, 29 May 2017 19:32:31 EST choose my thought On my way home from work today, I came to the realization: I need to decide to change my thinking about food and the moment to moment choices I have every day, that together add up to failure or success with getting healthy and losing weight. <BR> <BR> I have this thought pattern that goes through this endless loop after work each and every day. It's the impulse, feeling then thoughts around what to eat for dinner, and whether I'll choose something healthy at home, or more importantly, whet... Fri, 24 Mar 2017 02:03:02 EST journaling Damon describes the benefits of journaling Sat, 17 Sep 2016 02:46:04 EST Prisoner I feel like I am a prisoner in my own life. I'm acting out and pigging out on fast food to make myself feel better. It's kind of a crisis because I'm gaining weight and I'm concerned that I'm going to get diabetes or something else RIGHT NOW; very soon, you know, within the next weeks, unless I nip this overeating in the bud. I'm scared. <BR> <BR> I'm working 7 days a week. I have to, in order to pay my bills right now due to many circumstances. Things to alleviate the circumstances, like ... Sat, 17 Sep 2016 02:07:16 EST Affirmations, love, depression, rest, workaholics anonymous, and the journey called life I had a long weekend recently and I had high-hopes for fun, and I ended up being depressed all week--I was in a 3 day depression binge. When I have to work I'm galvanized and when I don't, I simply get depressed. I want to accomplish things and cook and eat foods that I prepare and clean up after myself and yet I'm working so much that I'm easily overwhelmed by simple activities at home. <BR> <BR> I find I that when I have spare time I am so exhausted from not sleeping that accomplishing a... Sat, 10 Sep 2016 23:41:49 EST working 346 hours a week I am starting a new part-time job, in addition to my regular job. It's a job I've done before. It's more stressful than my regular job. And, ya know, the stress is not good. Things like, figuring out when and where I can go to the bathroom--you know, EXISTENTIAL type questions. Potential major-dude stressors. When one is on the road, one must PLAN. I need to plan my life around bathroom breaks and when you have to do that--it's stressful. Reducing caffeine will be in order, don't you agree... Fri, 2 Sep 2016 00:08:49 EST Hugs and Journals, Kites and Jobs I took a rare morning off yesterday. I hung out, slept in and contemplated my navel. Actually, it has been many a moon since I contemplated my navel. I can't even SEE MY NAVEL. When I shower, I reach down there... feel around the middle of my bulbous belly, and relax and sigh. Just need to know it's still there and hasn't been sucked into some overweightian black hole. <BR> <BR> Ya know, when I eat fast food, I'm not gonna beat myself up. I simply need a respite from all this deep self-exami... Thu, 1 Sep 2016 23:44:06 EST The big evil computer. The reason for massive obesity. As I blogged yesterday, I created first-hand testimony to myself. I recognized that sitting in front of the computer is not the best thing. Yet, last night I sat there till 12:30am, after blogging that I will work on not sitting in front of the computer! <BR> <BR> After laying out this manifesto, I proceeded to talk myself out of getting up from the desk with the same old self-talk that I use all the time: "I'll be ok. I'll start tomorrow." <BR> <BR> That has been my excuse for 40 years. H... Wed, 31 Aug 2016 00:00:23 EST Late Night Eating/Emotional Vulnerability I have an inability to stop late night bingeing. It's a supreme problem. I'm unable to stop eating at night and my behaviors are so consistent. Consistently bad. I get tired and I go to "Oh, Gosh, I just need to relax now.!" And then I relax and grab something easy and unhealthy to eat. I used to ask my students--I'd bring them two kinds of snacks--"Do you want something healthy, or UNHOLY." They, like my late night eating, would inevitably reach for the chips, the chocolate, the nuts or wha... Tue, 30 Aug 2016 00:08:41 EST Thought Processing I'm getting more things done, and that makes me feel good. <BR> <BR> I want to communicate, so I blog, it helps me. It's the UPWARD spiral I long for re: my self-esteem. Behaviors that by their action reward me, tend to make me feel good. Isn't that what it's all about? <BR> <BR> These good behaviors are helping me ward off some of the depression. I can come into some sort of greater understanding of why I do what I do, especially in the evening. <BR> <BR> My boss brings in pastry to the... Thu, 25 Aug 2016 23:16:41 EST Thought/Emotional Choices I’ve been sleeping better since I quit smoking. I’m feeling better. The pain in my chest, the trouble breathing, the staying up late, the headaches; all can be attributed to smoking. Now that I’ve quit (knock on wood!)… I think these problems will abate. <BR> <BR> I pigged out yesterday and a bit today. However, I’m feeling less of the self-hating/self-loathing. I do feel guilty, overeating, of course. I think I can try to work out some sort of understanding of why I did that and how I can ... Wed, 24 Aug 2016 23:49:37 EST Depression and Upsets and Eating I'm stressing out about work and about money. I'm unable to pay all my bills, and concerned about that. I'm not able to pay my student loans and am concerned about getting my wages garnished, and all of these things are weighing on me, and so my ability to differentiate my many problems with my losing weight, is getting in the way with my ability to manage myself. I am totally 'at effect' of my emotions and regularly use an upset as an excuse to go unconscious and eat, generally high fat, hig... Tue, 23 Aug 2016 01:03:49 EST Big Changes Well, many changes, and not very many of them good. Well, at least I'm blogging. <BR> <BR> Today's blog has not good news. I've gained weight, I'm smoking again, I'm stressed out, and big changes on the job front, not the least of which includes working seven days a week. <BR> <BR> I'm 60 years old and deeply in debt. <BR> <BR> I had to abort this blog mid-blog, and I had several responses from spark friends--I thank you so much! <BR> <BR> I think I'm most concerned that my eating is ou... Thu, 18 Aug 2016 13:41:46 EST Walking I used to walk with authority. The other day I caught my reflection in a window as I passed, and I was shocked at what I saw. I walk like an old man! I wobble through my life. I used to feel like a cat: poised and ready to spring. I walked with a dancer's 'elan'. I walked with confidence in my body and my body's ability to move through the universe. I'm no longer doing that. I haven't done that in years, and I long to get some of that mojo back. I long to dance: to even want to dance! Righ... Sun, 5 Jun 2016 13:52:37 EST MAKING CHOICES I ate like **** after work yesterday. Perhaps eating a bit more here at work before I leave would help.  Get some more clif bars, that is a good idea.  Eat a clif bar at work, before I leave work for home, as opposed to going to McDonalds, for a 1000 calorie, high fat junk food dinner. <BR> <BR> Ok, the internet doc selling his supplements says: no canned soup, no msg, and no high-fructose corn syrup, (hfcs). I agree with all that. It's truly amazing how much MSG is in canned and processed ... Sun, 22 May 2016 14:53:08 EST New Plan - Half Way There! I am doing HealthyWage, where I'm challenging myself to lose 40# in six months. Well, guess what? It's been just over a month, and I'm half way there! So, things are working well, despite all the weird circumstances in my life. Very weird, but very wonderful Sun, 21 Feb 2016 11:01:54 EST Excuses It's the end of my workday. I play tricks with my mind oftentimes, making excuses for fast food, including rewards for surviving the week, or simply going unconscious... This going unconscious is status quo for me. Part of the problem is this has become ingrained with who I think i am: a victim. I go into poverty thinking, negative thinking, and I can choose something else. Something else to do, something other than food to think about, or simply to share these fears with you. You know, so... Sat, 6 Feb 2016 20:25:32 EST New plan--week 1 Well, my new plan is working. Now, wait. This is only week one. We'll see if I can sustain this. Ya see, I've done this before. I know. I know. We ALL HAVE. Aye, there's the rub, eh? Yes. <BR> <BR> My PROGRAM is: <BR> 1) record food, <BR> 2) bedtime/get up, consistently, <BR> 3) at least 8 glasses water, <BR> 4) 2100-2400 calories (I'm a BIG guy, and I'm 6'2", and very obese, so, believe me, I'll LOSE weight if I stay in the calorie parameters as established by Spark People food tracker. ... Sun, 24 Jan 2016 20:40:50 EST Damon Joined Healthy Wage I decided to join I will plunk down $20 a month, challenging myself to lose 40# in six months. If I win, (successfully lose the 40# within 6 months). I'll double my $. If I lose (or do not lose at least 40 within 6 months,) I lose my investment[thus, the BET]. Wish me luck, and I invite you to join me! If you do, contact me here! Best of losing to everyone (losing WEIGHT, that is, not any BET that you will--I have utmost faith in each and every one of you! Sun, 17 Jan 2016 22:11:48 EST Healthy Wager I'm thinking of joining healthy wager. I could invest as little as $17/month for 6 months, and if I achieve my weight loss goal of 40#, I more than double my $. I've done a challenge before where I plunked down $20, with the only incentive that I'd get my initial investment back at the end of the month. Needless to say I failed & lost my $20. What do u think? This investment would be $17/month for 6 months (just over $100, and I'd have to lose at least 30#. Think I can do it? Think I sho... Sat, 16 Jan 2016 13:02:31 EST KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT OR WRONG Another key to my weight loss efforts will be to know when I'm doing it right or wrong. This is tough, because true scientific results tend to be in black and white, yes or no, right or wrong. But I'm a human being and there must be room for subtleties within knowing if I'm right or wrong with any given thing. <BR> <BR> The two main strategies for losing weight for me are controlling intake and consistent exercise--of course, two things I have NOT been successful at, at all, really. <BR> <... Thu, 24 Dec 2015 12:40:39 EST CAPABLE OF DOING IT Another aspect of success regarding losing a bad habit, or of changing the bad to good, or simply acquiring a good habit is, <BR> <BR> I must prove I AM CAPABLE OF DOING IT. <BR> <BR> This... is going to be difficult. I did lose 100# from 1996-1997. I gained it all back, and then some. <BR> <BR> In 2006 I think I went down to about 230-240 (from a high of around 300, which is where I am at the moment, I think--I don't even have a scale). <BR> <BR> This is not rocket science. Millions ar... Thu, 24 Dec 2015 12:26:05 EST WANT TO DO IT So, I must delineate my emotional problems from my simple desire to lose weight. <BR> <BR> Regarding losing weight: I'm really not motivated to blog, or to share at all today. It's Christmas Eve, and I'm a bit under the weather. I'm home alone, as usual, and I just want to rest--which is what I plan on doing. But I wanted to get down some thoughts I've had regarding that thing that keeps us motivated and inspired--the simple WANTING something. <BR> <BR> I want to lose weight. Sure, but a... Thu, 24 Dec 2015 12:15:09 EST Habits 2015 is almost gone. Amazing how time marches on, but bad habits tend to stay entrenched. Amazing how like mice we are, still killing ourselves to go up the tunnel for the cheese,eh? My habits are like the rockface of a mountain. Entrenched. It takes millenia to grind the stone into grains of sand. <BR> <BR> However, habits can be changed, a bit more quickly if: <BR> <BR> 1) I show I can do it and WANT to do it. <BR> 2) I demonstrate that I am capable of doing it <BR> 3) I overcome inte... Sun, 13 Dec 2015 18:30:04 EST Journaling And the Artistic Life More entries from my 'morning pages': <BR> <BR> I get morose whenever I journal. I have literally programmed myself to go into negative, to presume the worst regarding my psyche and my circumstances. I have asked myself "why" for far too long, for most of my life. <BR> <BR> I often feel awkward --sometimes I get--I feel like I'm never really comfortable, even alone--never really... at peace. Something is always wrong; out of set, or out of place. The only time I have ever felt at home, ... Mon, 7 Dec 2015 22:18:23 EST Leading two separate lives Here are journal entries, that point to truths about myself: <BR> <BR> I see how much negative energy I inflate into my life. Sometimes, if I don't have something to resent, I have to rely on.... nothingness, or something other than resentment, like self-hated, my second best friend. <BR> <BR> Resentment and self-hatred have been my constant companions, at least from the time of my marriage till now. <BR> <BR> I harbor so much resentment that I don't really know how to just... be, anymore... Mon, 7 Dec 2015 21:46:50 EST Treatment I know I post a lot about this--but really, a major-dude stumbling block for me seems to be my depression. Part of the problem is that I take bupropion, but sometimes I forget to take my afternoon dose. That kind of excuse is ridiculous, of course, but the net result is... I get more symptomatic when I don't take the required dosage of my meds! <BR> <BR> You know? Most mornings, I have to literally talk myself OUT of feeling depressed and really $***y when I first wake up. Some mornings th... Wed, 2 Dec 2015 15:50:28 EST Thanksgiving Well hello, everyone. <BR> <BR> Sometimes I don't really know how to address this--I have a dozen or so friends on here that I know read these posts of mine and I read theirs... other than that, sometimes I really don't know what I'm doing with these posts-- <BR> <BR> I mean, I keep morning pages at home and they seem, as compared to spark-people blogs... 'safe.' Here, in the SparkPeople blogdom, I feel I need to have 'an agenda' in order to be relevant. I have this self-expectation that ... Thu, 26 Nov 2015 11:39:33 EST BLOB I'm at work, and I describe what's it's like when you catch a glimpse of yourself--perhaps a reflection in a glass door, and you are completely disgusted with what you see. Of course, I try to make some humor out of it... Wed, 11 Nov 2015 23:30:18 EST Depression I discuss depression and how it sabotages weight loss and health efforts Wed, 11 Nov 2015 22:29:03 EST Changes Hello! <BR> <BR> Sometimes I just need to clear my head, and I know I can tell the honest truth here--sometimes I feel like just "dumping" and complaining. I typically follow up with some innocuous words of what, inspiration? Which sometimes doesn't seem exactly real, well, not real with what I'm actually feeling. Maybe they are--sometimes we can CREATE our moods by what we program in there--and by actually typing out these words, they seem to have greater... import, ya know? <BR> <BR> I k... Sat, 29 Aug 2015 18:17:28 EST The day I feel I'm making progress, especially on the social front. I've got a new girlfriend, and she's very supportive in my weight-loss efforts; even wants to lose 30-40# herself. <BR> <BR> I was on the meltdown challenge with my office manager and boss, and my boss actually succeeded in her weight loss. <BR> <BR> I hate it when I begin every sentence with "I"-- very bad writing, but oh, well! I want to become team leader of Streak100 in here, and want to enlist my meltdown challenge friends to... Wed, 5 Aug 2015 12:17:19 EST The day I realize that I eat out of loneliness. I'm lonesome and food has always filled that void. <BR> <BR> I'm typical of many middle aged men (and women, too)--very independent, being divorced for many years. So, I like my freedom, but I miss companionship very much. <BR> <BR> That missing feeling... that great void in my psyche, in my soul, really. I miss someone saying "I love you." I miss hugs. <BR> <BR> So, for most of my life... I've eaten, overeaten, binged even... to fill that void... Sun, 12 Jul 2015 23:04:04 EST THE DAY I started journaling, you know, the morning pages? and I realized that my thoughts today would be perfect for Blogging at SparkPeople. <BR> <BR> You know, I'm not sure if these entries can be viewed by the general public. I guess it's ok if everyone reads this. There are trillions of daily blogs out there all over the web, and baring my soul, I guess is ok. But I suspect that you gotta be a member of SparkPeople, with an account and everything, in order to view these things. <BR> <BR> No... Wed, 11 Mar 2015 15:21:17 EST EMOTIONAL EATING <em>24</em> I describe the payoff derived from emotional eating Sat, 13 Dec 2014 05:19:16 EST THINGS ARE FALLING APART Things are not going my way, and I seem to be disjointed. Thu, 13 Nov 2014 04:49:29 EST Stress I'm stressing out tonight. I've been screwing up at my job and I'm in danger of losing it. I'm getting older and it's harder for me to remember stuff. I have a fairly simple job and I don't know why I'm screwing up like this. The job is pretty easy and so there's something going on with me. I'm not sure what it is, but in some ways there's kind of a hostile environment here at work. Maybe it's me, and maybe I just need to grow up and smell the coffee. It doesn't help that I have several jobs ... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 00:49:12 EST The Day Finding it difficult to really, totally get motivated. After losing my momentum, I find I have gained weight. <BR> <BR> I really must forgive myself and simply get on with it. It's not always going to be fun, this starting over again. <BR> <BR> But I find if I just jump in, monitor the food, do the best I can, start with small results, and not expect perfection, I find that I might be able to do this. <BR> <BR> Keep it simple. I can't expect to master 2000 calories with half my food bein... Wed, 29 Oct 2014 22:27:41 EST REKINDLING MOTIVATION this is difficult. Once again, I must bring bad news to my blog here at SparkPeople. I ran into an old girlfriend and even after 35 years, I fell in love with her again! I was summarily rejected in that she is rather well off and she has stayed in terrific shape, & I have not aged well and I live near poverty. Needless to say, she did reject me. And herein lies the true problem. I was devastated and completely humiliated. The emotional devastation was daunting, as I had my heart set on this w... Sun, 7 Sep 2014 21:35:40 EST Girlfriends and wealth I have a new relationship. It's complicated, and it's long distance. I've reconnected with my college sweetheart, Mel, almost 40 years after the fact. I'm in Oregon, she lives in Texas. We've not seen each other yet, but will here shortly when she comes up from Texas to visit me and other friends in the Pacific Northwest. <BR> <BR> We have high hopes, but... she is a well-to-do divorcee receiving sizable spousal support, which ends in a few years. At the moment, I am a man of very meager mea... Thu, 24 Apr 2014 12:39:55 EST COACH LOST 6 POUNDS In the past month, I lost 6 pounds. Yeah, yeah yeah. Big deal. I want to know--I managed my emotional upsets this week. Can I manage them responsibly all the time? Wed, 12 Mar 2014 00:35:13 EST today <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I'm working on my housemate/so-called girlfriend dilemma. I think I took on more than I bargained for when I started seeing her. She is a "project" with major-dude health challenges, and it is a challenge for me not to eat out of resentment, anger, frustration, unconsciousness, etc, etc, etc, --you know the drill. <BR> <BR> The challenge, really, as so many of you have reiterated, is to manage my weight, my food ... Mon, 24 Feb 2014 19:21:00 EST COACH IS LOOKING UP IN FEBRUARY <em>334</em> COACH INVITES YOU TO JOIN HIM. IF YOU ARE IN THE PORTLAND, OREGON AREA AND WANT TO JOIN COACH IN A REAL LIVE SUPPORT GROUP, CONTACT HIM HERE! Tue, 4 Feb 2014 23:10:35 EST COACH STABILITY IN OCTOBER 2013 I have a regular, full time job. I finally have some stability in my life. <img src=""> Tue, 22 Oct 2013 18:05:40 EST DAMONS SELF CONFIDENCE AND SELF ACCEPTANCE ON THE ROAD OF EXPERIENCE, EH? Mon, 12 Aug 2013 00:09:53 EST changes It's weird. Last time I was successful in losing weight was 17 years ago! I thought it was a bit harder to lose weight at 40 than it was at age 32, which was my age when I was first married. <BR> <BR> Now, I'm 57 and it's hard as hell! My energy is low, my weight is much more, I work more hours, my metabolism is weird, I have arthritis in my knees and I get indigestion when I don't eat--my gawd, what a laundry list of circumstances that seem to conspire against me! <BR> <BR> I guess I need ... Sat, 27 Jul 2013 15:02:19 EST Damon--back in the fold <em>100</em> I'm back Sat, 6 Apr 2013 23:13:12 EST