CATTUTT's SparkPeople Blog CATTUTT's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Just a short one tonight... I will keep this one short and sweet, since there isn't much to say. I didn't do anything I planned to do today. I did decide to take some sort of proactive step and go to the library and check out some books on grief. Even though losing Mammaw feels like the worst thing that has ever happened in the world... I know others have gone through it, and perhaps I can learn from their wisdom. <BR> <BR> I have therapy tomorrow also. I did my homework for it, which was actually from 2 weeks ago ... Mon, 5 Oct 2015 22:06:36 EST RAAAAAAAAAAGE! This is the THIRD TIME I am trying to type this entry. I hate the new blogging thing! It keeps disappearing on me for some reason when I'm almost done with a post. I usually don't complain about website changes but this one is driving me mad. <BR> <BR> SO the summary is -- Went to the Renaissance Faire. Walked over 10k steps, but also ate a lot of unhealthy stuff. It was a lot of fun, though, and got me out of the house so I wouldn't sit here and dwell. <BR> <BR> It was good to get... Sun, 4 Oct 2015 21:54:01 EST Friends can be more valuable than you would ever imagine... Since we lost Mammaw, my friends have kept me going. I have two very dear friends whom I have typed to for hours on end, just talking about whatever I felt I needed to talk about. And both of them have let me type, and then tried to comfort me when I really needed it. <BR> <BR> Then there have been all of you guys here, leaving me supportive messages and Goodies. So many of you have told me that I can talk about it as much as I want until I feel better. It means so much to hear that, bec... Sat, 3 Oct 2015 19:49:44 EST Grrr! I had a blog entry half typed out, and then it disappeared somehow. Grrr. I'm not going to attempt to retype it all, so I"ll just hit the highlights. The main highlight is having gotten a tattoo in memory of Mammaw. I felt like it was something constructive to do with my sadness. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I love it, and find some measure of peace in knowing I will always have her memory with me. <BR> <... Fri, 2 Oct 2015 20:41:04 EST Grief is a strange thing... Last night was rough, but I managed to fall asleep after only a couple of the panic attacks that have been plaguing me since Mammaw's death. Unfortunately I slept terribly, and ended up giving up and getting up early, despite being horribly exhausted. <BR> <BR> The morning wasn't as bad as I had expected, other than being really tired. I didn't feel like eating, so I just ate a small piece of cake and called it good. When dh woke up, we went out to run some errands. I took my great grand... Fri, 2 Oct 2015 01:35:30 EST I am home... Dh and I just got here a few minutes ago. I fit enough pain and emotion into two days, to last me for a lifetime. It was such a jumble of feelings. Mammaw was gone and my heart was broken... but I hadn't seen my mom in 5+ years, and my aunt it had been even longer, so it was also a reunion. I felt like I was a whole different kind of bipolar. One second I was sobbing, and the next we were all smiling and laughing. I guess death and grief f*cks up even the best of us. <BR> <BR> It was a... Wed, 30 Sep 2015 20:24:37 EST Leaving in the morning... I just wanted to drop by and say we will be heading Virginia tomorrow morning. We'll be there mid afternoon. There's a family only viewing for Mammaw on Tuesday morning at 10, and then the service will be Tuesday afternoon at 1. It's being held in the mausoleum at the cemetery. <BR> <BR> I'm glad it's going to be a small and mostly private service. Mammaw would not have wanted tons of people streaming in and out, looking at her corpse. Can't say as I blame her. If it were up to me, it ... Sun, 27 Sep 2015 19:38:47 EST You guys are amazing... I cannot even begin to tell all of you how much I appreciate you. The comments and Goodies you've left for me have brought tears to my eyes, both because my heart still hurts that my Mammaw is gone, but also because I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends. Because I am disabled, I don't spend a lot of time around people other than dh. Having all of you here reminds me I have a big group of friends, even if we aren't in close proximity. <BR> <BR> Last night was a rough night. Despite b... Sat, 26 Sep 2015 20:15:32 EST My Mammaw... When I was still a newborn, my mom developed a very severe ear infection that caused her to lose her hearing in both ears temporarily. That meant she couldn't take care of me because she couldn't hear me cry. My grandmother, Mammaw, stepped in and took me and kept me for weeks, until my mom was better. She gave me back to my mom, but I was her baby from then on. <BR> <BR> This morning she passed away. Anyone that has read my blog with any regularity will know that, despite her knack for ... Fri, 25 Sep 2015 21:56:09 EST Not too much to talk about... I don't have a lot to talk about tonight. My eating hasn't been great, but that was partly because I wanted to eat a larger, high fat meal to test out the gall bladder problem theory. I'm told if it is my gall bladder, I'd have more problems after a bigger, higher fat meal. Results: Inconclusive. <BR> <BR> Otherwise, I made a trip to the library and we did our grocery shopping. Nothing remarkable about either of those trips, just the usual. I tried to walk faster than normal to burn an ... Thu, 24 Sep 2015 20:08:49 EST Close to ending a good day... I almost hesitate to say it, because it may have just been a fluke... but I think *maybe* the new med is helping control my appetite. I woke up several times last night, as I always do, but I did not wake up hungry and end up stuffing my face. It's rather rare that happens {or doesn't happen, as the case may be.} I don't get up and eat every night, because sometimes I'm just to sleepy to care how hungry I am. But actually not even BEING hungry is new, and I'm hoping that's going to contin... Wed, 23 Sep 2015 20:42:51 EST The goods and the bads... Today was both therapy and my endo. Therapy was fine. I realized on the way there that I hadn't done part of the homework she assigned me. I had forgotten all about it, and explained that to her. She was happy enough that I had put together my anxiety box and gotten the coloring books that it wasn't a big deal about the stuff I forgot. We talked back and forth for the hour, getting and giving input and stuff. It was good session, I think. And for next week, I'll do my homework! <BR> <... Tue, 22 Sep 2015 20:04:01 EST Almost done with day 1? I felt SUPER craptastic by the time I fell asleep last night. I think it was a combination of getting up really early yesterday, eating a bunch of crap, and I think my blood pressure may also have been high. My head felt all manners of weird and I was honestly getting concerned there was something really wrong. Of course, I also knew I am a huge worry wart, and that it was most likely nothing of concern. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was worrying about it, but I did eventuall... Mon, 21 Sep 2015 20:07:42 EST Diabetes Walk... Today sure got off to an early start! It is a widely known non-secret that I hate waking up early. But wake up I did, and it actually wasn't terribly difficult. I was pretty excited to get up and get going. <BR> <BR> I had some breakfast, got dressed, and waited for my cousins to arrive to pick me up. Somehow they managed to get here within 2 minutes of their predicted 9 am, which is pretty incredible to me, since they were driving down from more than 3 hours away. When they called to l... Sun, 20 Sep 2015 19:51:01 EST Emotionally tired... I felt better last night by bedtime, and actually fell asleep really easily. I was hoping that meant the depressed feelings were gone. Unfortunately I woke to find they had returned. I'm really struggling with issues of worth, and feeling like I have never, and will never, accomplish anything. Just... craptastic feelings. I'm trying to remind myself that, just like the manic episodes, and the severe anxiety, this too shall pass. Not always easy to believe that in the moment though. <BR>... Sat, 19 Sep 2015 20:06:53 EST Well, that wasn't a stellar start... I stayed up until after 3 am last night. I got wrapped up in my book and couldn't make myself put it down until I was finished. But even when I did finish, I still didn't go to bed. I laid on the couch and chattered at poor, long suffering dh for at least another hour. Not about anything in particular, just talking about stuff that popped into my head. Bless his heart, he listened, and responded, the entire time. Finally around 3, he declared he was making something to eat and wanted to... Fri, 18 Sep 2015 20:07:13 EST Thank goodness for coloring books! Our interwebs went out a little before 1 this afternoon. I entertained myself with reading until it was time to wake dh. I assumed things just needed to be reset, and I can't get the cord out of the back of the modem. When he came out here to look, the internets were out altogether. We figured it was just an outage and would be okay soon. <BR> <BR> So we headed off to do our shopping. By the time we were done shopping and got home, it was almost time to go meet The Buddy for tea. I dro... Thu, 17 Sep 2015 22:44:24 EST Debate night! I meant to get a blog written earlier, but I got wrapped up in cleaning and decorating for fall. Very happy to have some of the cleaning done and enjoying my decorations! Really ready for some fall weather, though. <BR> <BR> So, it is debate night and it is going on now. Therefore I'm writing a quickie blog. I didn't do a whole lot today to blog about, anyway. I currently have some chicken grilling on the George to whip up a quick dinner for dh and I. <BR> <BR> I have done some colorin... Wed, 16 Sep 2015 19:34:32 EST Another share... My Step Out Diabetes Walk is coming up this weekend. I wanted to share the link to my personal page again, in case anyone has any spare cash to donate. I'd appreciate anything, but absolutely no pressure to donate! <BR> <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> Last night I did not drift right off to sleep. In fact, I had trouble falling asleep. BUT I was able to calmly lay and read my magazine, even after dh had to leave for work. It's been a while since I've bee... Tue, 15 Sep 2015 19:52:19 EST Another adventure! Dh and I were planning to go back to the orchard today, to visit the country store attached. I wanted more produce! When he woke up, we got dressed and headed off to the orchard. <BR> <BR> Traffic was worse through Columbus, but more sparse on the highway between Columbus and Utica. That was nice. When we got to the orchard, I started my shopping. In the end we left there with 2 boxes of tomatoes, with about 10 tomatoes total in it. I picked up 2 zucchini, a butternut squash and a spag... Mon, 14 Sep 2015 19:56:24 EST Ready to go back to the country! I was so exhausted last night I was a little bit dizzy by the time I got into bed, and I fell right to sleep. That hasn't happened to me in ages! I blame {credit} the fresh country air and the exercise on the orchard yesterday. If I could bottle feeling that way and sell it, I'd be a millionaire! <BR> <BR> I woke up about 20 minutes before the alarm this morning, which is good because alarm clocks are horrible. Or the kind of alarms it takes to jar me out of a deep sleep are horrible, an... Sun, 13 Sep 2015 20:24:44 EST We went on an adventure! Last night I was reading a magazine and it mentioned going to an apple orchard to pick your own, and I wondered how far away the nearest apple orchard was. I had looked several years ago, but at that point I was not driving about 45 mph for any reason, and we ruled out going because it would've been unavoidable. But after a couple of trips to Virginia without too much mental drama, I thought maybe I could make the drive without having a meltdown. Turned out there are a bunch of orchards 40... Sat, 12 Sep 2015 20:10:16 EST Burned a few calories! Last night my back was giving me fits, so I took a good size dose of ibuprofen and laid with frozen veggies on my back for a while. Once the ibuprofen kicked in and the frozen veggies helped, I went to bed, but it was later than I expected to be awake. I didn't have to get up early today, though, and figured I'd sleep late. <BR> <BR> Alas, my body had other things in mind. TOM is super heavy and I kept having to wake up and deal with it, so I finally just gave up and got up. It wasn't ea... Fri, 11 Sep 2015 20:13:03 EST So very tired... I, of course, had trouble sleeping last night. My brain somehow thinks that if I have to wake up early, I should also stay up late. I figured I'd have to drag myself out of bed kicking and screaming... but instead I woke up at 6 am, and was pretty awake. My alarm wasn't going off til 7, but I decided I'd be better off to just go on and get up while I was a little bit awake than to be pulled out of a deep sleep by an annoying alarm. <BR> <BR> Luckily my homegirl ADARKARA was already awake ... Thu, 10 Sep 2015 19:08:06 EST For two people who weren't going to do anything on vacation... We sure seem to have kept ourselves busy this week! <BR> <BR> Tomorrow we are going to see Hillary Clinton speak, and after searching through our closets, we determined we needed to go to the consignment/thrift stores to get something for both of us. I went to the consignment store this morning while dh was still asleep. I had excellent luck there, finding something that was super cheap and looked really nice. <BR> <BR> After that I came home and woke dh. We had to take him to get his ha... Wed, 9 Sep 2015 19:51:19 EST Another quickie... Good evening, all! Dh and I have been out all evening, most of the time stuck in traffic and part of the time doing a big shopping trip to Aldi for some stock up stuff. We just got home a few minutes ago, and we left 4 1/2 hours ago. We made a couple other stops, but really, it was a ridiculous amount of traffic. Now I"m reminded why we avoid that part of town as much as possible. <BR> <BR> It's been an okay day though. I had therapy this afternoon, which went well. She's really easy t... Tue, 8 Sep 2015 20:38:56 EST Not that I don't love ya'll... But the first Buckeye game of the season is on, and I kinda HAVE to watch it. It's against my religion to miss any Buckeye games, especially the first one of the season. <BR> <BR> It's been a pretty good day, but nothing exciting. So not much to report anyway. <BR> <BR> Now I'm off to read blogs between plays, and enjoy the game. <BR> <BR> Happy Labor Day all, and GO BUCKEYES! <BR> <BR> <em>334</em> Mon, 7 Sep 2015 20:16:05 EST Yummy dinner... Today has been the best day I've had in some time, as far as being healthy goes. I woke up earlier than I thought I would, since we stayed up partying {and by "partying" I mean talking about random things} past my bedtime. I think I mostly woke up because my eye was bothering me and I thought putting a warm compress on it might help. And indeed it did. <BR> <BR> Not too long after I got up, I got hungry. I made myself some healthy breakfast and enjoyed it as slowly as I could, hoping to ... Sun, 6 Sep 2015 19:23:40 EST Stupid eye... Last night, I noticed my left eye was tender. Not the eye itself, but the lids and around it. When I first woke up today, it was even more tender. I was kind of worried about it because I was concerned it could be some strange side effect of the new med. After I was up for a while though, the pain faded from everywhere except the center and outer part of my top eyelid. I am... or was... fairly sure it is a sty developing. The Google told me to rest a warm, wet compress on my eye for a w... Sat, 5 Sep 2015 21:14:24 EST Doin that thinkin' thing... I read a magazine article last night that really kind of resonated with me. It was in the Sept 14th edition of Woman's World. That magazine is kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. It's not a high brow magazine by any means, but I've been reading it for as long as I've been able to read. My grandmother has bought it every week my entire life. So I still pick it up fairly often and devour it. <BR> <BR> As I said, it's a guilty pleasure and NOT where I'd generally turn for health advice. Bu... Fri, 4 Sep 2015 21:06:48 EST Good psychiatrist visit... The meeting with the old/new psych went pretty well, I think. He thinks the other psych's treatment approach is not aggressive enough, with regards to my bipolar disorder, and that if that can be controlled, it will help immensely with my anxiety. He's putting me on a medication that he says should do that. I'm feeling pretty hopeful, and really hoping he's right. <BR> <BR> Other than that, pretty boring day. Just did our shopping and came home. Nothing exciting. I did get lots of heal... Thu, 3 Sep 2015 19:36:14 EST Happy 19th to my darling dh... Today was the 19th anniversary of the day I finally convinced dh to be my boyfriend. At the ripe old age of 16, I had finally hooked the man I would go on to marry a little more than 4 years later. We had met in a chat room 6 months earlier and became friends. I started falling for him pretty hard over that summer, and on Sept 2, 1996, he finally agreed to be my boyfriend. I was thrilled, he was the smartest, most interesting guy I'd ever known. And now, 19 years later, I love him more t... Wed, 2 Sep 2015 20:36:36 EST A somewhat more normal day... Beto decided it was time for me to wake up this morning, before I decided it was time for me to wake up. He was stomping all over me, and meowing. And then when I'd start to move, he'd start kneading me and present his head for some pets. I made a futile effort to ignore him before giving in and scritching his head until he was satisfied, then getting up. I'm probably starting a bad habit by letting him win, but I guess it can go on the list of bad habits I let the animals have. <BR> <BR... Tue, 1 Sep 2015 20:05:55 EST Frustrated, but hanging in there... Pretty sure I have a tapeworm. I have been hungry all stinkin' day! <BR> <BR> I woke up and had some breakfast. It wasn't a big breakfast, but it should still have filled me up for a couple hours at least. Nope. An hour later I was super hungry again. I decided I'd just go ahead and have lunch a little early and everything would be okay. <BR> <BR> Dh and I had some errands to run, so I got a grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad for lunch. Normally that would be enough to keep me ... Mon, 31 Aug 2015 19:38:40 EST Woo hoo for exceeding my step goal! I woke this morning without an alarm, so great start to the day! I had some healthy breakfast, ran to Dollar Tree for a moment, and then met The Buddy to walk. We walked in the mall because... hellacious heat. It was muggy, soupy, and the sun was beaming. NOT my kind of park walking weather. Fortunately The Buddy is basically in agreement with me on that, and we were both happy to walk in the pleasantly climate controlled mall. <BR> <BR> This mall is not very large, and we typically do ... Sun, 30 Aug 2015 20:14:27 EST Lovely dinner out! Dh and I just got home from having dinner with an SP friend. We went to an Indian place, and dh and I had never been to one. He doesn't have a lot of foods he dislikes, but the foods he dislikes, he REALLY WON'T EAT. We didn't know anyone in Columbus that knew much about Indian food, until this SP friend said she did. So the three of us went out so she could help dh figure out what he wanted to eat. <BR> <BR> The food was amazing! I ate too much, but it was worth every calorie. And m... Sat, 29 Aug 2015 20:25:16 EST A gift from the recycling gods... Last night ended really quite well. Dh and I had a drink while we relaxed here at home. Afterward I laid on the couch and he sat in his chair and we talked for a couple of hours about everything and nothing. Finally sometime around 2 am, I got on the futon to go to sleep and he went to bed as well. After the past few weeks with such intense anxiety, it was nice to have a calm, leisurely night last night. If there's one good thing about the hellish nights with the anxiety, it's that it ma... Fri, 28 Aug 2015 20:11:19 EST Some good news! They did my grandmother's ulcer surgery today, and it all went well! The doctor said the ulcer was the biggest he'd ever seen, and he didn't understand how she wasn't in excruciating pain. He also said that it's possible the pain she was having was from the ulcer, and not the gall stones. So it's possible she may not have to have that surgery after all. But even if she does, he said she will need to heal for at least 2 months before they do it. I just talked to her on the phone and she s... Thu, 27 Aug 2015 19:30:29 EST Quick update! Just making a shorty tonight. I went out for coffee with an SP buddy and just got home a bit ago and am about to hop in the shower. <BR> <BR> But a quick update on my grandmother and stepdad. My grandmother does have an ulcer, and it is considerably worse than they were expecting. She was transferred to another hospital and is going to be having surgery on the ulcer tomorrow. She will still have to have the gall stone surgery at some point, but no one is sure when. <BR> <BR> My step dad... Wed, 26 Aug 2015 22:14:33 EST Feeling a bit better tonight... I managed to fall asleep without a bunch of anxiety drama last night, which was amazing. I was afraid I'd be awake all night, but I did manage to sleep. <BR> <BR> I started waking up around 5 am, and slept fitfully until 8:30. When I checked my phone, I had an update about my grandmother, but nothing about my stepdad. My grandmother was bleeding internally, they think from an ulcer, and has been having a blood transfusion all day. She is feeling some better, and the dr is going to do an ... Tue, 25 Aug 2015 19:37:40 EST Man, what a day! Woke up this morning when my alarm went off and got dressed to go to the psychiatrist. I was anxious for the appointment, knowing things very well might not go my way. I felt like I was on pins and needles in the waiting room, so I was glad she only left me waiting 25 minutes and not an hour and a half or more, as she's known to do. <BR> <BR> Unfortunately my fears were confirmed. She gave me a very small amount of medication to treat panic after it happens, but refused to discuss changin... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 20:35:47 EST Well that was traumatic... I just had to give the Heimlich maneuver to the dog after she nearly choked to death. That was not good for my anxiety levels. Ugh. Thankfully she's okay, though I'm not sure I am. I'm pretty sure this face says "No, I didn't learn any sort of lesson from that, and could I have some steak?" <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Otherwise, it was a pretty good day. The Buddy and I had planned to walk, but my righ... Sun, 23 Aug 2015 20:11:21 EST Trying to be tough... Today we got some news that is good for dh, and not so good for me. They're switching him back to working nights. I've been really struggling with anxiety at night anyway, but could tell myself "Dh is right down the hall sleeping if you need him!" Well, now he won't be. But I don't think it's going to make things WORSE for me, but certainly not any better. <BR> <BR> I'm trying not to think about this as "me me me" though, and be happy for him. Working at night means he doesn't have to d... Sat, 22 Aug 2015 19:54:53 EST The First Park Pics of the Season! Last night was seriously rough. As has become the norm for me lately, anxiety set in on me. Worse than normal, I think. I was absolutely miserable and felt completely hopeless. I told myself I'd feel better this morning, and eventually managed to drift off to sleep. <BR> <BR> I did feel some better when I woke up, but not as much as I had hoped. Usually I feel pretty optimistic in the mornings, but not so much so today. I think it's just starting to wear me down knowing that the anxi... Fri, 21 Aug 2015 19:37:03 EST Maybe I'm ready to get it together? Dh and I went shopping as soon as he got off work this morning, so my day got off to an early start. We went out for breakfast, where I downed a few cups of coffee to get me going. My brain wasn't quite ready, I think. <BR> <BR> Once we were done eating, we hit the stores. We had 5 of them to go to, and despite the fact they're all within 5 minutes of each other, it took a while. I was so relieved when we were done at the 5th store and ready to head for home. It may not be heart pumping... Thu, 20 Aug 2015 19:51:56 EST Sometimes a girl's dinner just hits the spot! I woke up feeling exceedingly lazy this morning. Just getting out of bed was a monumental task I wasn't sure I was up to. I reminded myself, though, that if I slept super late this morning, I'd have even more trouble sleeping tonight. So I got up. <BR> <BR> All I did for the first several hours was work intermittently on the menu and grocery list. I made meal plans for both lunch and dinner every day, so that we won't end up "grabbing a bite" at a fast food place. It took a while to che... Wed, 19 Aug 2015 20:19:50 EST It felt so good to move! Today had a pleasant surprise in it -- a walk! Since my tattoo has healed enough to put a shoe on, it has been miserably hot here and I haven't gotten the chance to take a walk outside. Today I checked the weather and found it wasn't brutally hot, and I decided to seize the opportunity. It was definitely much much warmer than is comfortable for me, but it wasn't hot enough to make me sick and give me a headache. I only walked one lap around the apartment complex, but it felt really great ... Tue, 18 Aug 2015 19:26:08 EST Hi gang... Hi all. I just wanted to drop by for a minute and wave hello to everyone. <BR> <BR> First, thank you, all of you, for the well wishes for my grandmother. She was rushed to the ER on Tuesday, and it turns out she has gall stones. She's having laser surgery to remove them on the 24th. Everything had been up in the air until yesterday, when she saw the doctor to find out the course of treatment and when things would be happening. I had thought I might need to go stay with her during her ... Sat, 15 Aug 2015 19:58:05 EST So many apologies... I'm sorry I haven't been around. I just haven't felt great, and haven't felt like I have much to say. I WILL be back soon though. <BR> <BR> Right now I'm kind of waiting to hear about my grandmother and if I am going to have to go to VA to take care of her for a bit. I'm worried about her and really anxious tonight, but hopefully life will be more normal soon. <BR> <BR> Thanks to all of you for your Goodies and messages! Hope everyone is doing well! Tue, 11 Aug 2015 23:15:04 EST I'm still here! Sorry I haven't been around for a few days. I don't really have an excuse, other than simply feeling I didn't have anything going on worth sharing. I haven't been eating so stellar and haven't gotten back to exercise yet, after the tattoo. <BR> <BR> I did cook a yummy, healthy Parmesan cream sauce, Alfredo style, that I made from scratch. I was very happy with how that turned out, and so was dh. <BR> <BR> Today was grocery day, as always. I stocked up on the things to make healthy foo... Thu, 6 Aug 2015 17:35:30 EST