CATTUTT's SparkPeople Blog CATTUTT's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Things didn't quite work out as planned... In my last blog entry, I was very excited about the new job I was going to be starting. Welp... that didn't happen. I'm sure all of you that have been friends with me for a long time know, but for anyone that doesn't, I have a severe anxiety disorder and am on disability because of it. <BR> <BR> I thought I was stable enough to go back to work and that I'd be okay, but in the days between being hired and starting work, I had an utter meltdown. The anxiety was completely crippling, I could... Thu, 16 Jun 2016 14:53:32 EST Some Awesome News! I start a new job on Monday. <em>334</em> <BR> <BR> I'm going to be working for an insurance broker, in training for the first 90 days and then as an agent servicing policies afterward. {No selling policies, I'd be terrible at that!} <BR> <BR> I'm really excited, but a little bit nervous. I haven't worked in 6 years and I'm just going on a wing and a prayer that my anxiety can be controlled enough for me to go back. Obviously there's no way to know until I try so... I must try! <BR>... Fri, 3 Jun 2016 14:45:25 EST Beautiful but noisy! {Some photos, but no sound!} Dh was off last night and today, and the weather was super agreeable, so we decided to take the opportunity to go visit a park. In the fall of 2014 we were attempting to visit all the Metro parks here around Columbus, and although we didn't make it to all of them, we made it to most. Today we decided to check out one of the remaining few we didn't hit. <BR> <BR> The park was very lovely... to look at. Unfortunately the freeway ran right over top of it and you had to shout to be heard. I'... Wed, 18 May 2016 20:53:30 EST Lesson Learned: Always wear my glasses when I weigh myself... I decided to get on the scale this morning, and this time I put my glasses on. I wish I hadn't. I guess the number on the scale Sunday morning was blurrier than I thought it was. Unless I managed to gain 9 lbs in 2 days while trying to LOSE weight... the scale did not say 265.4. Today it was 274.9. It was pretty depressing to see that, but not particularly surprising. I thought having lost several lbs seemed fishy, and indeed it was. <BR> <BR> But, I didn't let that get me off track. I... Tue, 17 May 2016 21:19:48 EST Boy that's a relief! Yesterday ADARKARA suggested one of the little cycle things that you just sit on the floor in front of a chair and pedal, that perhaps it would work to get the stiffness out of my knees and get rid of the pain. I was pretty sure she struck idea gold with that one, and went right out today to find a cycle. We brought it home and dh got it ready to use, and after my knees got stiff and painful from sitting for a while, I tried it out. Results? IT WORKS! I pedaled for five minutes, then sto... Mon, 16 May 2016 22:40:24 EST And the scale says... I weighed myself this morning with a pretty good idea of what I would see on the scale... and I was wrong. But in a good way! I weighed in at 265.4 this morning, and the last time I was on my home scale I was at 272 or 273. Somehow, even without doing very much to lose it, I lost some weight. That was an awesome way to start the day! <BR> <BR> I sat and ruminated on the concept of losing weight last night. I can't ignore that my body is falling apart fast, and that getting some weight o... Sun, 15 May 2016 21:52:28 EST PT and such Time got away from me yesterday and I didn't get an after-PT blog written, so here we go. PT was fine. The therapist was a very nice guy. He asked a lot of questions, pinched, prodded, probed, and moved my leg around. He found the initial diagnosis of arthritis satisfactory... unfortunately he also pinched, prodded, probed and moved my right leg around... and there's some arthritis in that knee too. I knew I was starting to feel some pain in it but I was hoping it was just because it was... Sat, 14 May 2016 20:54:45 EST Muuuuuuuuuuuuch better! Today was, as every Thursday is, grocery shopping day. We always eat lunch out on grocery shopping day, but I did much better with it today! We went to our favorite Greek place and I got a gyro salad, which was enormous and delicious. It came with 4 wedges of pita bread, and the dressing was on the side. I was very proud of myself! <BR> <BR> Shopping was uneventful, which is the way shopping should be I suppose. We bought healthy foods for both cooking and snacking. In particular a lot... Thu, 12 May 2016 19:30:25 EST Well that was some surprise sunshine... I got attacked by some fast food this afternoon. And by "attacked" I mean I decided to eat fast food, and enjoyed it. Or, at least I enjoyed it until after I was finished and realized how much I suddenly wished I hadn't eaten it. Someday I'll learn a lesson from it, but for now my fast food addiction lives to fight another day. <BR> <BR> Things did get better after that, though. We went to the Farmer's Market to strolled around for a bit. We didn't buy anything, since it's so early in t... Wed, 11 May 2016 19:39:08 EST Rain! Always Rain! It has to have been raining an unholy amount of rain for me to complain about it. Normally I love a rainy day. Now that it has been a rainy month, I'm over it. I'd like to get out and enjoy Spring before Summer heat blasts it's way in and takes over. Everything is so green and fresh, but the weather hasn't allowed for much enjoyment! <BR> <BR> Today hasn't been a terrible day though. It's been a baby step, for sure, but it's been a better day than I've had in some time. I've had fruits... Tue, 10 May 2016 20:46:00 EST Rain! Always Rain! It has to have been raining an unholy amount of rain for me to complain about it. Normally I love a rainy day. Now that it has been a rainy month, I'm over it. I'd like to get out and enjoy Spring before Summer heat blasts it's way in and takes over. Everything is so green and fresh, but the weather hasn't allowed for much enjoyment! <BR> <BR> Today hasn't been a terrible day though. It's been a baby step, for sure, but it's been a better day than I've had in some time. I've had fruits... Tue, 10 May 2016 20:46:00 EST Maybe I'm coming back...? Hi everyone. I know I've been a real stranger around here in the last few months. I found myself busy with other things, and now I just don't know what to be busy with. I kinda feel like I lost my motivation to do much of anything these last few weeks. I'm not getting any writing done, or anything else for that matter. <BR> <BR> I have arthritis in my left knee now, and that's making me realize I'm destroying my body with my weight. Even if the weight didn't CAUSE it, it's not helping i... Mon, 9 May 2016 21:57:55 EST Peeking in to say hi! I was feeling a little lonely tonight and it reminded me of all of you here, so I thought I would come say hello. I appreciate the messages and Goodies I still receive from you guys, it always makes me smile. <BR> <BR> Also I apologize for not being around. I've been sort of consumed with an off-Spark blog ( <link> </link> ) and doing a lot of writing for it. I've also done some freelance writing lately. <BR> <BR> Health has been so-so. My diabetes has... Sat, 2 Apr 2016 22:44:02 EST Has it really been 20 days? I can't believe it has been 20 days since my last post. Time got away from me I guess. Not much has changed though. I'm doing better with my eating, but not great. I'm eating mostly at home which is definitely helping. I'm having a few servings of veggies with dinner every day, instead of very large servings of the main dish, and I know that will help a lot too. <BR> <BR> There hasn't been a ton in the way of exercise, but there should be more in the next 10 days. The weather hasn't be... Tue, 26 Jan 2016 22:24:21 EST Maybe this will get my train out of the station... When I called my mom yesterday, she told me a friend of hers had passed away that morning. I asked what happened and her response was "Something with her breathing or something, she didn't take care of herself and was in bad health." This lady was around my mom's age, 60ish. Not old enough to be dying of "bad health", or at least I didn't think so. I think that's all a game of fooling myself though. I know there are people my age and younger that do, I've just never known one of them. I... Wed, 6 Jan 2016 21:01:43 EST Itty baby victories... Yesterday kind of a roller coaster day. I was started on a new med a bit ago that can cause lightheaded-ness for a period of time. It seems to be that it causes it for me intermittently. I woke up early and took Ginger out, but not long after I started feeling dizzy and laid down for a while. <BR> <BR> When I woke up I felt okay, so I decided to start working in my craft room. I got a fair bit done... and then the dizziness hit again. That means lying down for a while with my feet up, t... Wed, 30 Dec 2015 20:45:40 EST Assembly required: DONE! My mom bought dh and I a small dinette set for Christmas. Our old table had been a game table. It was an actual solid wood one, but still... a game table. And our chairs had always been fabric covered folding chairs. So she decided a new dinette set was in order, about which I certainly did not complain. The catch, of course, was that assembly was required. The table? Easy peasy. I had that sucker done in no time flat. The chairs? Devilish little things. We had to make 2 trips to t... Sun, 27 Dec 2015 22:54:12 EST It's hard to find the energy to start again, even with baby steps... I've dealt with being overweight all of my conscious life. Although I wasn't conscious OF it until kindergarten. Yeah, my dad's mom called me Fat Cat, but I didn't really know that was bad until kindergarten class mates said it in the same way one sad "Cootie Cat". Tough lesson. <BR> <BR> Since that was.. *ahem* 30 years ago... I've gone through a fair number of "This is going to be the time it clicks!" fresh starts. Granted the first dozen or so were before I felt the need to add that p... Sat, 26 Dec 2015 22:13:01 EST Dropping by to say hello! (Potentially a long post, not sure yet...) Hi, everyone. First thing I want to do is apologize to all of you that have sent me comments, messages and Goodies. I've been being a craptastic friend, I know. I've been sort of reclusive, save for my dh and a couple of friends. I guess I just go through that phase now and again. <BR> <BR> Things are okay, though. I'm still missing Mammaw like the dickens, but I think that will always be the case. I am perpetually surprised at all the things that will blindside me and break another pi... Sat, 19 Dec 2015 21:00:41 EST Hi everyone! First, let me say, THANK YOU to everyone who has sent comments, Goodies and messages. I'm really sorry I just disappeared. Part of it was that I was still so brokenhearted over losing Mammaw that I just didn't feel up to blogging. And part of it was that I wasn't doing anything healthy, other than the occasional time of having no appetite. I figured there wasn't much point in saying "Woke up today. Did unhealthy things. Trend seems to be continuing right on into tomorrow." I figured it... Sat, 5 Dec 2015 21:06:08 EST Good evening folks... I realized something this evening... I've been eating less without trying. I've been keeping myself busy, and also not having food in the house that I'm likely to eat just for pleasure. I've been eating when I"m hungry, and not for entertainment. I'm still not eating as well as I should be, but I am eating less. And cooking more. <BR> <BR> It's been kind of a new thing to keep myself busy. I decided to join a church, and I've been very busy with that and activities at the church. I've ... Tue, 10 Nov 2015 19:48:45 EST Hi guys... I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I've been keeping myself busy, but not necessarily with health-related things. I'm focusing on cooking at home, which means eating healthier by default. But that's about it. <BR> <BR> I'm still struggling a lot with missing Mammaw. Friday will make 6 weeks since she passed away, and it still doesn't seem real. I still can't quite understand that I won't ever talk to her again. And when I *try* to understand it, it ends in nothing but a river of tea... Thu, 5 Nov 2015 22:29:55 EST Hip news! The appointment with the ortho was better news than I had feared. It's bursitis, which was actually what my Googling had told me before the x-rays were done. The dr wanted me to have PT, but my insurance doesn't cover enough for that to be feasible. <BR> <BR> So the plan now is to wait a couple of weeks and see what happens. If it doesn't improve, we try a cortisone shot. If it gets worse, I need an MRI to look for muscle/tendon tears. He said it's possible that it will get better on ... Tue, 27 Oct 2015 19:10:28 EST Got an appointment, woo hoo! I see the ortho tomorrow morning at 10:40. They called today to schedule me, and they had just had a cancellation. So hopefully after that appointment I will know what's actually going on with my hip! <BR> <BR> Today was a pretty good day all around. We didn't go hike because I have no way of knowing whether or not I'm hurting myself at the time, but then hours later it would hurt like the devil. I decided I should wait until I can speak with the dr and find out what's actually going on.... Mon, 26 Oct 2015 20:21:08 EST I need to go to the body shop... The day started off well. I woke up when my alarm went off and got up to sit for a few minutes. I felt a bit nauseous, as I always do when I wake up early, but it wasn't too bad. I decided I would go on and get dressed and eat some breakfast and see how I felt. I felt well enough to go on and leave for church. I figured if the nausea hit on the way there, I could come back home and go to the service at 11. Fortunately the nausea didn't come back and I felt fine! <BR> <BR> I attended th... Sun, 25 Oct 2015 19:54:04 EST I really need to learn to do two things at once... I don't mean multi-tasking, because I think that often wastes more time trying to focus on two things at once. What I mean is that I have two modes of existing: 1. Working on my health. 2. Working on my mind. I feel like post WWII Berlin. There's a wall dividing me, and I can't seem to pass through it. I'm on one side or the other, but never in the middle. <BR> <BR> I've been doing a lot of things to stimulate my mind lately... and letting my hip problem be the excuse for not doing a... Sat, 24 Oct 2015 19:53:36 EST 4 Weeks... It was 4 weeks ago today that a phone call broke my heart. At 11:30 am, I got a call from my aunt. She choked out the words "Mammaw's gone", and I just started shouting no at her, that it couldn't be true. But it was true, and my beloved Mammaw was gone. Just like that... gone. <BR> <BR> It both seems like it was just yesterday I heard her voice... and like a lifetime ago that I lost her. It seems to vary from minute to minute. I often think "I will tell Mammaw about..." and then the... Fri, 23 Oct 2015 23:36:25 EST Quickie update... When I got a comment from my awesome friend MSHEL7 checking in on me, I realized it has been a couple days now since I did an update. <BR> <BR> Dh is doing fine after his tooth extraction. Other than still sicking with softer foods, he's pretty much pain free and back to normal. <BR> <BR> My stepdad also seems to be doing well. He's home from the hospital, but will still be off work another 6 weeks or so. So far so good, though. <BR> <BR> The friend that had surgery a few weeks ago, and... Thu, 22 Oct 2015 20:15:51 EST Some pretty awesome news!! I was awake this morning before 6 am, which I was not thrilled about... okay, I was actually really annoyed about. Fortunately my mom was awake, since she normally wakes at 3:30 am for work. She was off today for my stepdad's surgery. So I chatted with her for a good while before the normally very early rising ADARKARA got online. Then I chatted with her for a while, waiting for time to take dh to the dentist. <BR> <BR> It was finally time to go, and we headed to the mall. The dentist i... Mon, 19 Oct 2015 19:42:09 EST Some prayers and positive thoughts, please? Today has been a pretty good day thus far. I had tea with The Buddy this morning, which is always awesome. Our conversations are like those thought bubble things they make you do in English class where one bubble branches into other bubbles. Those things never actually worked, but that's how our conversations flow and it's pretty awesome! <BR> <BR> After that I came home and worked on treat bags. Apparently I no longer have command of basic math skills because I ended up not having enoug... Sun, 18 Oct 2015 18:54:35 EST Much better day... Today has gone far more smoothly than any day has for a while now. I was able to sleep pretty well, which was nice. When I woke up, I offered to take dh to Church's Chicken so he could get some food. He's not going to be able to eat much for a while after Monday, so I figured I'd take him. And I was proud of myself because I only had a single biscuit and nothing else from there. That NEVER happens! <BR> <BR> We also stopped at a thrift store on the way down there in hopes of finding a w... Sat, 17 Oct 2015 20:36:12 EST Oy vey... Been yet another tough day. Dh wasn't able to have his tooth extracted today because it was still too swollen. His appointment is rescheduled for Monday, and it should be gone by then. <BR> <BR> Early this afternoon, I was waiting on the mailman. I went downstairs to see if the mail had been delivered, and it hadn't, but he was at the building in front of ours. I decided to walk while I waited on him to get to our building, to see how my back and hip felt. The pain eventually worked out... Fri, 16 Oct 2015 20:34:34 EST Earlier start, but less stressful! For whatever reason, my body decided I needed to get up at 5 am. I woke up at 5 and figured I'd just get up for a few minutes and then I'd get sleepy again and go back to bed. Nope. I was slightly sleepy, but I was in that horrible limbo between being able to sleep and being able to concentrate on productive things. I was able to do neither. I decided maybe a shower would get the rest of the cobwebs out of my brain, but it helped only marginally. <BR> <BR> Then I decided to give myself ... Thu, 15 Oct 2015 19:34:04 EST Geeze... I feel like we just can't catch a break around here lately. I had a text from my mom this morning saying she might have to take my stepdad to the ER. He decided to tough it out, and is scheduled for surgery in 5 days anyway. <BR> <BR> So then dh comes home. He mentioned yesterday that a tooth was bothering him a little. I ask him how is tooth is and look up at the same time, and see the right side of his face was extremely swollen, at which point I said "Oh. Well that answers that quest... Wed, 14 Oct 2015 20:35:17 EST Hey guys... I'm feeling a little bit smited today. On the trip to Virginia for Mammaw's funeral, my hip started to hurt. I figured it was because of the driving and time in the car and didn't think much of it. But now, more than two weeks later, it's still bothering me pretty significantly. I went to the doctor today to get a professional opinion and her professional opinion is that I need an x-ray. She says "x-ray" and I hear "expensive ray". I asked her if she thought there would be any harm in g... Tue, 13 Oct 2015 19:30:49 EST Making a little progress... Today has gone pretty well. I woke up around 9:30 and stayed awake til 10, then went back to sleep til 11. I was awake from 11 til noon, and went back to sleep again. On my THIRD round of waking up, my brain felt more rested. It didn't feel like I was forcing myself to wake up, nor did it feel like my body was being jolted awake by the anxiety. I sleep more peacefully in the day, but normally I fight the urge to do so, so that I will sleep that night. But it felt darn good today! <BR> ... Sun, 11 Oct 2015 21:29:59 EST So tired... I've felt really fatigued the last few days. It is my guess that it is a combination of the stress and anxiety wearing me down, along with increased doses of two psychological meds that can cause drowsiness. Whatever it is, just getting up the stairs was a struggle. The Buddy had to cancel our walk tomorrow, and that may have been for the best. I probably would've had to stop at every bench along the way to recover for a few minutes. <BR> <BR> But other than the fatigue, it hasn't been a... Sat, 10 Oct 2015 20:40:38 EST Emotions are weird... It's amazing how quickly emotions can cycle through in succession of one another. Been that kind of day. The first thing I did this morning was go see my psychiatrist. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he seemed to be grasping the monumental loss I am feeling right now. He's a very detached, clinical man, so I feared he wouldn't understand at all. But I guess all his years of education and psychiatry experience have taught him a few things. <BR> <BR> After the appointment, I was st... Thu, 8 Oct 2015 20:49:40 EST One Day At A Time... When I was a child, there were commercials for those Time Life collections of music, and one of them was classic country songs. One of the songs they always played a snippet of was "One Day At A Time, Sweet Jesus". For some reason that song would stick in my head like it was Gorilla glued there. Now, some 25 or so years later, I understand the song in a way I never did. Though I am not religious, that is my mantra right now... one day at a time. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was therapy. The majo... Wed, 7 Oct 2015 20:23:39 EST Just a short one tonight... I will keep this one short and sweet, since there isn't much to say. I didn't do anything I planned to do today. I did decide to take some sort of proactive step and go to the library and check out some books on grief. Even though losing Mammaw feels like the worst thing that has ever happened in the world... I know others have gone through it, and perhaps I can learn from their wisdom. <BR> <BR> I have therapy tomorrow also. I did my homework for it, which was actually from 2 weeks ago ... Mon, 5 Oct 2015 22:06:36 EST RAAAAAAAAAAGE! This is the THIRD TIME I am trying to type this entry. I hate the new blogging thing! It keeps disappearing on me for some reason when I'm almost done with a post. I usually don't complain about website changes but this one is driving me mad. <BR> <BR> SO the summary is -- Went to the Renaissance Faire. Walked over 10k steps, but also ate a lot of unhealthy stuff. It was a lot of fun, though, and got me out of the house so I wouldn't sit here and dwell. <BR> <BR> It was good to get... Sun, 4 Oct 2015 21:54:01 EST Friends can be more valuable than you would ever imagine... Since we lost Mammaw, my friends have kept me going. I have two very dear friends whom I have typed to for hours on end, just talking about whatever I felt I needed to talk about. And both of them have let me type, and then tried to comfort me when I really needed it. <BR> <BR> Then there have been all of you guys here, leaving me supportive messages and Goodies. So many of you have told me that I can talk about it as much as I want until I feel better. It means so much to hear that, bec... Sat, 3 Oct 2015 19:49:44 EST Grrr! I had a blog entry half typed out, and then it disappeared somehow. Grrr. I'm not going to attempt to retype it all, so I"ll just hit the highlights. The main highlight is having gotten a tattoo in memory of Mammaw. I felt like it was something constructive to do with my sadness. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I love it, and find some measure of peace in knowing I will always have her memory with me. <BR> <... Fri, 2 Oct 2015 20:41:04 EST Grief is a strange thing... Last night was rough, but I managed to fall asleep after only a couple of the panic attacks that have been plaguing me since Mammaw's death. Unfortunately I slept terribly, and ended up giving up and getting up early, despite being horribly exhausted. <BR> <BR> The morning wasn't as bad as I had expected, other than being really tired. I didn't feel like eating, so I just ate a small piece of cake and called it good. When dh woke up, we went out to run some errands. I took my great grand... Fri, 2 Oct 2015 01:35:30 EST I am home... Dh and I just got here a few minutes ago. I fit enough pain and emotion into two days, to last me for a lifetime. It was such a jumble of feelings. Mammaw was gone and my heart was broken... but I hadn't seen my mom in 5+ years, and my aunt it had been even longer, so it was also a reunion. I felt like I was a whole different kind of bipolar. One second I was sobbing, and the next we were all smiling and laughing. I guess death and grief f*cks up even the best of us. <BR> <BR> It was a... Wed, 30 Sep 2015 20:24:37 EST Leaving in the morning... I just wanted to drop by and say we will be heading Virginia tomorrow morning. We'll be there mid afternoon. There's a family only viewing for Mammaw on Tuesday morning at 10, and then the service will be Tuesday afternoon at 1. It's being held in the mausoleum at the cemetery. <BR> <BR> I'm glad it's going to be a small and mostly private service. Mammaw would not have wanted tons of people streaming in and out, looking at her corpse. Can't say as I blame her. If it were up to me, it ... Sun, 27 Sep 2015 19:38:47 EST You guys are amazing... I cannot even begin to tell all of you how much I appreciate you. The comments and Goodies you've left for me have brought tears to my eyes, both because my heart still hurts that my Mammaw is gone, but also because I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends. Because I am disabled, I don't spend a lot of time around people other than dh. Having all of you here reminds me I have a big group of friends, even if we aren't in close proximity. <BR> <BR> Last night was a rough night. Despite b... Sat, 26 Sep 2015 20:15:32 EST My Mammaw... When I was still a newborn, my mom developed a very severe ear infection that caused her to lose her hearing in both ears temporarily. That meant she couldn't take care of me because she couldn't hear me cry. My grandmother, Mammaw, stepped in and took me and kept me for weeks, until my mom was better. She gave me back to my mom, but I was her baby from then on. <BR> <BR> This morning she passed away. Anyone that has read my blog with any regularity will know that, despite her knack for ... Fri, 25 Sep 2015 21:56:09 EST Not too much to talk about... I don't have a lot to talk about tonight. My eating hasn't been great, but that was partly because I wanted to eat a larger, high fat meal to test out the gall bladder problem theory. I'm told if it is my gall bladder, I'd have more problems after a bigger, higher fat meal. Results: Inconclusive. <BR> <BR> Otherwise, I made a trip to the library and we did our grocery shopping. Nothing remarkable about either of those trips, just the usual. I tried to walk faster than normal to burn an ... Thu, 24 Sep 2015 20:08:49 EST Close to ending a good day... I almost hesitate to say it, because it may have just been a fluke... but I think *maybe* the new med is helping control my appetite. I woke up several times last night, as I always do, but I did not wake up hungry and end up stuffing my face. It's rather rare that happens {or doesn't happen, as the case may be.} I don't get up and eat every night, because sometimes I'm just to sleepy to care how hungry I am. But actually not even BEING hungry is new, and I'm hoping that's going to contin... Wed, 23 Sep 2015 20:42:51 EST