CATTUTT's SparkPeople Blog CATTUTT's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Peeking in to say hi! I was feeling a little lonely tonight and it reminded me of all of you here, so I thought I would come say hello. I appreciate the messages and Goodies I still receive from you guys, it always makes me smile. <BR> <BR> Also I apologize for not being around. I've been sort of consumed with an off-Spark blog ( <link> </link> ) and doing a lot of writing for it. I've also done some freelance writing lately. <BR> <BR> Health has been so-so. My diabetes has... Sat, 2 Apr 2016 22:44:02 EST Has it really been 20 days? I can't believe it has been 20 days since my last post. Time got away from me I guess. Not much has changed though. I'm doing better with my eating, but not great. I'm eating mostly at home which is definitely helping. I'm having a few servings of veggies with dinner every day, instead of very large servings of the main dish, and I know that will help a lot too. <BR> <BR> There hasn't been a ton in the way of exercise, but there should be more in the next 10 days. The weather hasn't be... Tue, 26 Jan 2016 22:24:21 EST Maybe this will get my train out of the station... When I called my mom yesterday, she told me a friend of hers had passed away that morning. I asked what happened and her response was "Something with her breathing or something, she didn't take care of herself and was in bad health." This lady was around my mom's age, 60ish. Not old enough to be dying of "bad health", or at least I didn't think so. I think that's all a game of fooling myself though. I know there are people my age and younger that do, I've just never known one of them. I... Wed, 6 Jan 2016 21:01:43 EST Itty baby victories... Yesterday kind of a roller coaster day. I was started on a new med a bit ago that can cause lightheaded-ness for a period of time. It seems to be that it causes it for me intermittently. I woke up early and took Ginger out, but not long after I started feeling dizzy and laid down for a while. <BR> <BR> When I woke up I felt okay, so I decided to start working in my craft room. I got a fair bit done... and then the dizziness hit again. That means lying down for a while with my feet up, t... Wed, 30 Dec 2015 20:45:40 EST Assembly required: DONE! My mom bought dh and I a small dinette set for Christmas. Our old table had been a game table. It was an actual solid wood one, but still... a game table. And our chairs had always been fabric covered folding chairs. So she decided a new dinette set was in order, about which I certainly did not complain. The catch, of course, was that assembly was required. The table? Easy peasy. I had that sucker done in no time flat. The chairs? Devilish little things. We had to make 2 trips to t... Sun, 27 Dec 2015 22:54:12 EST It's hard to find the energy to start again, even with baby steps... I've dealt with being overweight all of my conscious life. Although I wasn't conscious OF it until kindergarten. Yeah, my dad's mom called me Fat Cat, but I didn't really know that was bad until kindergarten class mates said it in the same way one sad "Cootie Cat". Tough lesson. <BR> <BR> Since that was.. *ahem* 30 years ago... I've gone through a fair number of "This is going to be the time it clicks!" fresh starts. Granted the first dozen or so were before I felt the need to add that p... Sat, 26 Dec 2015 22:13:01 EST Dropping by to say hello! (Potentially a long post, not sure yet...) Hi, everyone. First thing I want to do is apologize to all of you that have sent me comments, messages and Goodies. I've been being a craptastic friend, I know. I've been sort of reclusive, save for my dh and a couple of friends. I guess I just go through that phase now and again. <BR> <BR> Things are okay, though. I'm still missing Mammaw like the dickens, but I think that will always be the case. I am perpetually surprised at all the things that will blindside me and break another pi... Sat, 19 Dec 2015 21:00:41 EST Hi everyone! First, let me say, THANK YOU to everyone who has sent comments, Goodies and messages. I'm really sorry I just disappeared. Part of it was that I was still so brokenhearted over losing Mammaw that I just didn't feel up to blogging. And part of it was that I wasn't doing anything healthy, other than the occasional time of having no appetite. I figured there wasn't much point in saying "Woke up today. Did unhealthy things. Trend seems to be continuing right on into tomorrow." I figured it... Sat, 5 Dec 2015 21:06:08 EST Good evening folks... I realized something this evening... I've been eating less without trying. I've been keeping myself busy, and also not having food in the house that I'm likely to eat just for pleasure. I've been eating when I"m hungry, and not for entertainment. I'm still not eating as well as I should be, but I am eating less. And cooking more. <BR> <BR> It's been kind of a new thing to keep myself busy. I decided to join a church, and I've been very busy with that and activities at the church. I've ... Tue, 10 Nov 2015 19:48:45 EST Hi guys... I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I've been keeping myself busy, but not necessarily with health-related things. I'm focusing on cooking at home, which means eating healthier by default. But that's about it. <BR> <BR> I'm still struggling a lot with missing Mammaw. Friday will make 6 weeks since she passed away, and it still doesn't seem real. I still can't quite understand that I won't ever talk to her again. And when I *try* to understand it, it ends in nothing but a river of tea... Thu, 5 Nov 2015 22:29:55 EST Hip news! The appointment with the ortho was better news than I had feared. It's bursitis, which was actually what my Googling had told me before the x-rays were done. The dr wanted me to have PT, but my insurance doesn't cover enough for that to be feasible. <BR> <BR> So the plan now is to wait a couple of weeks and see what happens. If it doesn't improve, we try a cortisone shot. If it gets worse, I need an MRI to look for muscle/tendon tears. He said it's possible that it will get better on ... Tue, 27 Oct 2015 19:10:28 EST Got an appointment, woo hoo! I see the ortho tomorrow morning at 10:40. They called today to schedule me, and they had just had a cancellation. So hopefully after that appointment I will know what's actually going on with my hip! <BR> <BR> Today was a pretty good day all around. We didn't go hike because I have no way of knowing whether or not I'm hurting myself at the time, but then hours later it would hurt like the devil. I decided I should wait until I can speak with the dr and find out what's actually going on.... Mon, 26 Oct 2015 20:21:08 EST I need to go to the body shop... The day started off well. I woke up when my alarm went off and got up to sit for a few minutes. I felt a bit nauseous, as I always do when I wake up early, but it wasn't too bad. I decided I would go on and get dressed and eat some breakfast and see how I felt. I felt well enough to go on and leave for church. I figured if the nausea hit on the way there, I could come back home and go to the service at 11. Fortunately the nausea didn't come back and I felt fine! <BR> <BR> I attended th... Sun, 25 Oct 2015 19:54:04 EST I really need to learn to do two things at once... I don't mean multi-tasking, because I think that often wastes more time trying to focus on two things at once. What I mean is that I have two modes of existing: 1. Working on my health. 2. Working on my mind. I feel like post WWII Berlin. There's a wall dividing me, and I can't seem to pass through it. I'm on one side or the other, but never in the middle. <BR> <BR> I've been doing a lot of things to stimulate my mind lately... and letting my hip problem be the excuse for not doing a... Sat, 24 Oct 2015 19:53:36 EST 4 Weeks... It was 4 weeks ago today that a phone call broke my heart. At 11:30 am, I got a call from my aunt. She choked out the words "Mammaw's gone", and I just started shouting no at her, that it couldn't be true. But it was true, and my beloved Mammaw was gone. Just like that... gone. <BR> <BR> It both seems like it was just yesterday I heard her voice... and like a lifetime ago that I lost her. It seems to vary from minute to minute. I often think "I will tell Mammaw about..." and then the... Fri, 23 Oct 2015 23:36:25 EST Quickie update... When I got a comment from my awesome friend MSHEL7 checking in on me, I realized it has been a couple days now since I did an update. <BR> <BR> Dh is doing fine after his tooth extraction. Other than still sicking with softer foods, he's pretty much pain free and back to normal. <BR> <BR> My stepdad also seems to be doing well. He's home from the hospital, but will still be off work another 6 weeks or so. So far so good, though. <BR> <BR> The friend that had surgery a few weeks ago, and... Thu, 22 Oct 2015 20:15:51 EST Some pretty awesome news!! I was awake this morning before 6 am, which I was not thrilled about... okay, I was actually really annoyed about. Fortunately my mom was awake, since she normally wakes at 3:30 am for work. She was off today for my stepdad's surgery. So I chatted with her for a good while before the normally very early rising ADARKARA got online. Then I chatted with her for a while, waiting for time to take dh to the dentist. <BR> <BR> It was finally time to go, and we headed to the mall. The dentist i... Mon, 19 Oct 2015 19:42:09 EST Some prayers and positive thoughts, please? Today has been a pretty good day thus far. I had tea with The Buddy this morning, which is always awesome. Our conversations are like those thought bubble things they make you do in English class where one bubble branches into other bubbles. Those things never actually worked, but that's how our conversations flow and it's pretty awesome! <BR> <BR> After that I came home and worked on treat bags. Apparently I no longer have command of basic math skills because I ended up not having enoug... Sun, 18 Oct 2015 18:54:35 EST Much better day... Today has gone far more smoothly than any day has for a while now. I was able to sleep pretty well, which was nice. When I woke up, I offered to take dh to Church's Chicken so he could get some food. He's not going to be able to eat much for a while after Monday, so I figured I'd take him. And I was proud of myself because I only had a single biscuit and nothing else from there. That NEVER happens! <BR> <BR> We also stopped at a thrift store on the way down there in hopes of finding a w... Sat, 17 Oct 2015 20:36:12 EST Oy vey... Been yet another tough day. Dh wasn't able to have his tooth extracted today because it was still too swollen. His appointment is rescheduled for Monday, and it should be gone by then. <BR> <BR> Early this afternoon, I was waiting on the mailman. I went downstairs to see if the mail had been delivered, and it hadn't, but he was at the building in front of ours. I decided to walk while I waited on him to get to our building, to see how my back and hip felt. The pain eventually worked out... Fri, 16 Oct 2015 20:34:34 EST Earlier start, but less stressful! For whatever reason, my body decided I needed to get up at 5 am. I woke up at 5 and figured I'd just get up for a few minutes and then I'd get sleepy again and go back to bed. Nope. I was slightly sleepy, but I was in that horrible limbo between being able to sleep and being able to concentrate on productive things. I was able to do neither. I decided maybe a shower would get the rest of the cobwebs out of my brain, but it helped only marginally. <BR> <BR> Then I decided to give myself ... Thu, 15 Oct 2015 19:34:04 EST Geeze... I feel like we just can't catch a break around here lately. I had a text from my mom this morning saying she might have to take my stepdad to the ER. He decided to tough it out, and is scheduled for surgery in 5 days anyway. <BR> <BR> So then dh comes home. He mentioned yesterday that a tooth was bothering him a little. I ask him how is tooth is and look up at the same time, and see the right side of his face was extremely swollen, at which point I said "Oh. Well that answers that quest... Wed, 14 Oct 2015 20:35:17 EST Hey guys... I'm feeling a little bit smited today. On the trip to Virginia for Mammaw's funeral, my hip started to hurt. I figured it was because of the driving and time in the car and didn't think much of it. But now, more than two weeks later, it's still bothering me pretty significantly. I went to the doctor today to get a professional opinion and her professional opinion is that I need an x-ray. She says "x-ray" and I hear "expensive ray". I asked her if she thought there would be any harm in g... Tue, 13 Oct 2015 19:30:49 EST Making a little progress... Today has gone pretty well. I woke up around 9:30 and stayed awake til 10, then went back to sleep til 11. I was awake from 11 til noon, and went back to sleep again. On my THIRD round of waking up, my brain felt more rested. It didn't feel like I was forcing myself to wake up, nor did it feel like my body was being jolted awake by the anxiety. I sleep more peacefully in the day, but normally I fight the urge to do so, so that I will sleep that night. But it felt darn good today! <BR> ... Sun, 11 Oct 2015 21:29:59 EST So tired... I've felt really fatigued the last few days. It is my guess that it is a combination of the stress and anxiety wearing me down, along with increased doses of two psychological meds that can cause drowsiness. Whatever it is, just getting up the stairs was a struggle. The Buddy had to cancel our walk tomorrow, and that may have been for the best. I probably would've had to stop at every bench along the way to recover for a few minutes. <BR> <BR> But other than the fatigue, it hasn't been a... Sat, 10 Oct 2015 20:40:38 EST Emotions are weird... It's amazing how quickly emotions can cycle through in succession of one another. Been that kind of day. The first thing I did this morning was go see my psychiatrist. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he seemed to be grasping the monumental loss I am feeling right now. He's a very detached, clinical man, so I feared he wouldn't understand at all. But I guess all his years of education and psychiatry experience have taught him a few things. <BR> <BR> After the appointment, I was st... Thu, 8 Oct 2015 20:49:40 EST One Day At A Time... When I was a child, there were commercials for those Time Life collections of music, and one of them was classic country songs. One of the songs they always played a snippet of was "One Day At A Time, Sweet Jesus". For some reason that song would stick in my head like it was Gorilla glued there. Now, some 25 or so years later, I understand the song in a way I never did. Though I am not religious, that is my mantra right now... one day at a time. <BR> <BR> Yesterday was therapy. The majo... Wed, 7 Oct 2015 20:23:39 EST Just a short one tonight... I will keep this one short and sweet, since there isn't much to say. I didn't do anything I planned to do today. I did decide to take some sort of proactive step and go to the library and check out some books on grief. Even though losing Mammaw feels like the worst thing that has ever happened in the world... I know others have gone through it, and perhaps I can learn from their wisdom. <BR> <BR> I have therapy tomorrow also. I did my homework for it, which was actually from 2 weeks ago ... Mon, 5 Oct 2015 22:06:36 EST RAAAAAAAAAAGE! This is the THIRD TIME I am trying to type this entry. I hate the new blogging thing! It keeps disappearing on me for some reason when I'm almost done with a post. I usually don't complain about website changes but this one is driving me mad. <BR> <BR> SO the summary is -- Went to the Renaissance Faire. Walked over 10k steps, but also ate a lot of unhealthy stuff. It was a lot of fun, though, and got me out of the house so I wouldn't sit here and dwell. <BR> <BR> It was good to get... Sun, 4 Oct 2015 21:54:01 EST Friends can be more valuable than you would ever imagine... Since we lost Mammaw, my friends have kept me going. I have two very dear friends whom I have typed to for hours on end, just talking about whatever I felt I needed to talk about. And both of them have let me type, and then tried to comfort me when I really needed it. <BR> <BR> Then there have been all of you guys here, leaving me supportive messages and Goodies. So many of you have told me that I can talk about it as much as I want until I feel better. It means so much to hear that, bec... Sat, 3 Oct 2015 19:49:44 EST Grrr! I had a blog entry half typed out, and then it disappeared somehow. Grrr. I'm not going to attempt to retype it all, so I"ll just hit the highlights. The main highlight is having gotten a tattoo in memory of Mammaw. I felt like it was something constructive to do with my sadness. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I love it, and find some measure of peace in knowing I will always have her memory with me. <BR> <... Fri, 2 Oct 2015 20:41:04 EST Grief is a strange thing... Last night was rough, but I managed to fall asleep after only a couple of the panic attacks that have been plaguing me since Mammaw's death. Unfortunately I slept terribly, and ended up giving up and getting up early, despite being horribly exhausted. <BR> <BR> The morning wasn't as bad as I had expected, other than being really tired. I didn't feel like eating, so I just ate a small piece of cake and called it good. When dh woke up, we went out to run some errands. I took my great grand... Fri, 2 Oct 2015 01:35:30 EST I am home... Dh and I just got here a few minutes ago. I fit enough pain and emotion into two days, to last me for a lifetime. It was such a jumble of feelings. Mammaw was gone and my heart was broken... but I hadn't seen my mom in 5+ years, and my aunt it had been even longer, so it was also a reunion. I felt like I was a whole different kind of bipolar. One second I was sobbing, and the next we were all smiling and laughing. I guess death and grief f*cks up even the best of us. <BR> <BR> It was a... Wed, 30 Sep 2015 20:24:37 EST Leaving in the morning... I just wanted to drop by and say we will be heading Virginia tomorrow morning. We'll be there mid afternoon. There's a family only viewing for Mammaw on Tuesday morning at 10, and then the service will be Tuesday afternoon at 1. It's being held in the mausoleum at the cemetery. <BR> <BR> I'm glad it's going to be a small and mostly private service. Mammaw would not have wanted tons of people streaming in and out, looking at her corpse. Can't say as I blame her. If it were up to me, it ... Sun, 27 Sep 2015 19:38:47 EST You guys are amazing... I cannot even begin to tell all of you how much I appreciate you. The comments and Goodies you've left for me have brought tears to my eyes, both because my heart still hurts that my Mammaw is gone, but also because I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends. Because I am disabled, I don't spend a lot of time around people other than dh. Having all of you here reminds me I have a big group of friends, even if we aren't in close proximity. <BR> <BR> Last night was a rough night. Despite b... Sat, 26 Sep 2015 20:15:32 EST My Mammaw... When I was still a newborn, my mom developed a very severe ear infection that caused her to lose her hearing in both ears temporarily. That meant she couldn't take care of me because she couldn't hear me cry. My grandmother, Mammaw, stepped in and took me and kept me for weeks, until my mom was better. She gave me back to my mom, but I was her baby from then on. <BR> <BR> This morning she passed away. Anyone that has read my blog with any regularity will know that, despite her knack for ... Fri, 25 Sep 2015 21:56:09 EST Not too much to talk about... I don't have a lot to talk about tonight. My eating hasn't been great, but that was partly because I wanted to eat a larger, high fat meal to test out the gall bladder problem theory. I'm told if it is my gall bladder, I'd have more problems after a bigger, higher fat meal. Results: Inconclusive. <BR> <BR> Otherwise, I made a trip to the library and we did our grocery shopping. Nothing remarkable about either of those trips, just the usual. I tried to walk faster than normal to burn an ... Thu, 24 Sep 2015 20:08:49 EST Close to ending a good day... I almost hesitate to say it, because it may have just been a fluke... but I think *maybe* the new med is helping control my appetite. I woke up several times last night, as I always do, but I did not wake up hungry and end up stuffing my face. It's rather rare that happens {or doesn't happen, as the case may be.} I don't get up and eat every night, because sometimes I'm just to sleepy to care how hungry I am. But actually not even BEING hungry is new, and I'm hoping that's going to contin... Wed, 23 Sep 2015 20:42:51 EST The goods and the bads... Today was both therapy and my endo. Therapy was fine. I realized on the way there that I hadn't done part of the homework she assigned me. I had forgotten all about it, and explained that to her. She was happy enough that I had put together my anxiety box and gotten the coloring books that it wasn't a big deal about the stuff I forgot. We talked back and forth for the hour, getting and giving input and stuff. It was good session, I think. And for next week, I'll do my homework! <BR> <... Tue, 22 Sep 2015 20:04:01 EST Almost done with day 1? I felt SUPER craptastic by the time I fell asleep last night. I think it was a combination of getting up really early yesterday, eating a bunch of crap, and I think my blood pressure may also have been high. My head felt all manners of weird and I was honestly getting concerned there was something really wrong. Of course, I also knew I am a huge worry wart, and that it was most likely nothing of concern. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was worrying about it, but I did eventuall... Mon, 21 Sep 2015 20:07:42 EST Diabetes Walk... Today sure got off to an early start! It is a widely known non-secret that I hate waking up early. But wake up I did, and it actually wasn't terribly difficult. I was pretty excited to get up and get going. <BR> <BR> I had some breakfast, got dressed, and waited for my cousins to arrive to pick me up. Somehow they managed to get here within 2 minutes of their predicted 9 am, which is pretty incredible to me, since they were driving down from more than 3 hours away. When they called to l... Sun, 20 Sep 2015 19:51:01 EST Emotionally tired... I felt better last night by bedtime, and actually fell asleep really easily. I was hoping that meant the depressed feelings were gone. Unfortunately I woke to find they had returned. I'm really struggling with issues of worth, and feeling like I have never, and will never, accomplish anything. Just... craptastic feelings. I'm trying to remind myself that, just like the manic episodes, and the severe anxiety, this too shall pass. Not always easy to believe that in the moment though. <BR>... Sat, 19 Sep 2015 20:06:53 EST Well, that wasn't a stellar start... I stayed up until after 3 am last night. I got wrapped up in my book and couldn't make myself put it down until I was finished. But even when I did finish, I still didn't go to bed. I laid on the couch and chattered at poor, long suffering dh for at least another hour. Not about anything in particular, just talking about stuff that popped into my head. Bless his heart, he listened, and responded, the entire time. Finally around 3, he declared he was making something to eat and wanted to... Fri, 18 Sep 2015 20:07:13 EST Thank goodness for coloring books! Our interwebs went out a little before 1 this afternoon. I entertained myself with reading until it was time to wake dh. I assumed things just needed to be reset, and I can't get the cord out of the back of the modem. When he came out here to look, the internets were out altogether. We figured it was just an outage and would be okay soon. <BR> <BR> So we headed off to do our shopping. By the time we were done shopping and got home, it was almost time to go meet The Buddy for tea. I dro... Thu, 17 Sep 2015 22:44:24 EST Debate night! I meant to get a blog written earlier, but I got wrapped up in cleaning and decorating for fall. Very happy to have some of the cleaning done and enjoying my decorations! Really ready for some fall weather, though. <BR> <BR> So, it is debate night and it is going on now. Therefore I'm writing a quickie blog. I didn't do a whole lot today to blog about, anyway. I currently have some chicken grilling on the George to whip up a quick dinner for dh and I. <BR> <BR> I have done some colorin... Wed, 16 Sep 2015 19:34:32 EST Another share... My Step Out Diabetes Walk is coming up this weekend. I wanted to share the link to my personal page again, in case anyone has any spare cash to donate. I'd appreciate anything, but absolutely no pressure to donate! <BR> <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> Last night I did not drift right off to sleep. In fact, I had trouble falling asleep. BUT I was able to calmly lay and read my magazine, even after dh had to leave for work. It's been a while since I've bee... Tue, 15 Sep 2015 19:52:19 EST Another adventure! Dh and I were planning to go back to the orchard today, to visit the country store attached. I wanted more produce! When he woke up, we got dressed and headed off to the orchard. <BR> <BR> Traffic was worse through Columbus, but more sparse on the highway between Columbus and Utica. That was nice. When we got to the orchard, I started my shopping. In the end we left there with 2 boxes of tomatoes, with about 10 tomatoes total in it. I picked up 2 zucchini, a butternut squash and a spag... Mon, 14 Sep 2015 19:56:24 EST Ready to go back to the country! I was so exhausted last night I was a little bit dizzy by the time I got into bed, and I fell right to sleep. That hasn't happened to me in ages! I blame {credit} the fresh country air and the exercise on the orchard yesterday. If I could bottle feeling that way and sell it, I'd be a millionaire! <BR> <BR> I woke up about 20 minutes before the alarm this morning, which is good because alarm clocks are horrible. Or the kind of alarms it takes to jar me out of a deep sleep are horrible, an... Sun, 13 Sep 2015 20:24:44 EST We went on an adventure! Last night I was reading a magazine and it mentioned going to an apple orchard to pick your own, and I wondered how far away the nearest apple orchard was. I had looked several years ago, but at that point I was not driving about 45 mph for any reason, and we ruled out going because it would've been unavoidable. But after a couple of trips to Virginia without too much mental drama, I thought maybe I could make the drive without having a meltdown. Turned out there are a bunch of orchards 40... Sat, 12 Sep 2015 20:10:16 EST Burned a few calories! Last night my back was giving me fits, so I took a good size dose of ibuprofen and laid with frozen veggies on my back for a while. Once the ibuprofen kicked in and the frozen veggies helped, I went to bed, but it was later than I expected to be awake. I didn't have to get up early today, though, and figured I'd sleep late. <BR> <BR> Alas, my body had other things in mind. TOM is super heavy and I kept having to wake up and deal with it, so I finally just gave up and got up. It wasn't ea... Fri, 11 Sep 2015 20:13:03 EST