CATLADYX8's SparkPeople Blog CATLADYX8's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community A Week... Well, it's been a week since I blogged about starting again. It has been a difficult week to say the least, but that's not anything new! It's always going to be difficult. I am not going to kid myself about that. There will always be temptations, emotional issues and just plain bad choices for no reason. <BR> <BR> Martial issues have been on the forefront this past week. Really it is stuff that has been brewing for quite some time. I am just finally fed up and need to get a handle on i... Thu, 26 Mar 2015 14:15:51 EST Starting Again!!!!! <em>38</em> How do we let ourselves get to these places? I have just been so out of contact with myself. I kinda checked out. My eating has been terrible. Although I have not gained any more weight, stable at 264 lbs, if I can say that's "stable." I find myself buying "goodies" and indulging in large quantities of them. Like 4 long johns in an afternoon...lemon filled and custard! Yeah, I need those like I need another hole in my head!!! <BR> <BR> Many mornings I get up and say,"... Thu, 19 Mar 2015 11:00:19 EST 4 Weeks... Well, today is 4 weeks since I had my double cardiac by-pass surgery. July 31st I went under the knife to re-route some plugged coronary arteries. At age 52 I was in trouble. Most of the issues was familial, but I do accept my part of an unhealthy lifestyle for contributing to the situation. The surgery went very well and I have experienced a supernatural recovery that only a great and mighty God can provide. <BR> <BR> My sister came up from SC to help but she only stayed a few days once... Thu, 28 Aug 2014 11:08:52 EST Up-Date Well, I had my cardiac catheterization done Friday the 25th. The procedure went well, a breeze really. They did provide me sedation but I was still awake during the whole thing. Unfortunately the outcome was not what I had expected or hoped/prayed for. The vessel disease is too severe for stents or angioplasty. I need by-pass surgery. I am still in shock at the news. Very sad to say the least. I am scheduled for triple, possibly quadruple by-pass surgery on the 31st. I will be admit... Sat, 26 Jul 2014 13:08:49 EST Absent buy not necessarily MIA It has been several months since I logged into SP. DH fussed at me for spending too much time here so I lost interest. I was starting to go into a dark, deep place in my life, not dealing well with the loss of my mom last year and so his complaints just fueled the fire of giving up. <BR> <BR> I finally went to the doc about my worsening depression and she listened and acknowledged I was in deep grief. She also prescribed a new anti-depressant which has worked wonders. Mentally I am feeli... Sun, 20 Jul 2014 16:24:53 EST If At First You Don't Succeed... try, try again!!!! That's the saying, right? <BR> <BR> Well, yesterday I tried to ride a bike for the firs time in 34 years. I was delusional to think that I would get on and be able to ride like the wind. I was imagining going for a 3 mile ride my first attempt out. <BR> <BR> Can you hear me laughing, because I am...hysterically!!!!! <BR> <BR> DH nicely put the bikes together. he had me try getting on it while it was in the kitchen. That was a sight!!! I couldn't get my leg over t... Thu, 10 Apr 2014 10:38:41 EST Letter To Self So the challenge on Sparkcoach today was to write an encouraging letter to myself. Sparkcoach commented on how we give advice to others and are so compassionate and understanding but when dealing with ourselves we are hard and unforgiving. this is so true, for me anyway. I am awful to myself. I am mean and undermining. Totally unfeeling and self-defeating. <BR> <BR> So, here's my letter to myself.... <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Dear Susan, <BR> <BR> I know you have been having a difficult t... Tue, 8 Apr 2014 11:50:15 EST Small Victories Continue Had another small victory this week. Last week I wanted to go to church and the OA meeting but DH had other plans. Not that I made too much of it. It was just more excuses for me not to go. instead of standing up for myself I gave in and didn't go. <BR> <BR> Well this week I set my plans in motion early. On Sunday I told DH that I was going to church Thursday morning and the OA meeting Saturday morning so if he had things to do it had to be on the other days of the week, especially if ... Fri, 21 Mar 2014 09:07:21 EST Celebrating Small Victories So a few things have happened since my last post. <BR> <BR> I went to therapy for my eating disorder, a scheduled appointment, and we had a good session. We talked a lot about my mom and I got out feelings I didn't know I was having. Of course there were a lot of tears as it was the 9 month anniversary of her death. <BR> <BR> My therapist again encouraged me to accept that I was powerless against this eating disorder. Just like the 12 steps of AA the 12 steps of Overeaters is to acknowle... Sat, 15 Mar 2014 17:05:31 EST So, What Do You Do When... you're a compulsive overeater and are on a binge??? <BR> <BR> I have had a bad week. Since Monday I have been eating poorly. Fast food has been my nemesis this week. I rarely binge on fast food. This week it has been McDonald's and pizza. Almost every day I am having one or the other and then I don't know when to stop. <BR> <BR> Today was pizza, the end of the Pizza Hut pizza from the other day. But that's not all I eat. I ate two slices of pan meat lovers pizza, a Smart Ones thin cr... Thu, 13 Mar 2014 18:47:30 EST Where did she go??? In 2012 I was really into my weight loss journey. I was practicing a healthy lifestyle and it was showing. By November I had lost 12 pounds and I was thrilled with my progress. I was exercising on a regular basis and was really motivated. Here is a link to a video my insurance company made about my journey with their coaching program for weight management: <BR> <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> That woman doesn't exist anymore. I want to know where s... Sun, 23 Feb 2014 18:42:19 EST Backward journey Well, February is almost half over so I thought I would get an early start on up-dating my progress or lack thereof. I am not completely going backwards. <BR> <BR> - I am dressing every day as one of my goals <BR> - I am drinking 8 glasses of water each day <BR> <BR> BUT I am not brushing and flossing every day, still a work in progress. I will admit I am just lazy about it. I know, I know, no excuse for poor oral hygiene. So many other physical ailments can come from poor oral health.... Wed, 12 Feb 2014 17:04:14 EST February Goals Today is the last of January and although I didn't meet all my goals for the month I did surprisingly well. <BR> <BR> I never did lose the pound I wanted to. Actually I gained two!!! Oops. But I am not letting that get me away from my progress. The scale is only a small part of this journey. <BR> <BR> I am on two streaks. The first streak is that I have exercised for 18 days in a row adding a minute a week so I am now up to 14 minutes of continuous exercise each day. I have taken to e... Fri, 31 Jan 2014 09:14:44 EST Half Way Point... So half the month is over with, well almost. One more day. I thought I would get a head start on reporting in on how I was managing with my January goals. By now many of you that made resolutions have forgotten them already. I haven't forgotten mine. I work on them every day. Some days have better results than others. <BR> <BR> My January 2014 goals were to: <BR> <BR> - lose 1 pound. Starting weight was 243, I am up a pound right now, but that's due to salt consumption yesterday. Oo... Tue, 14 Jan 2014 08:05:32 EST Goodbye 2013...Hello 2014!!! I must admit I am not unhappy to see 2013 go. It was not a very good year for me. My mom's chronic illness ending in her death took a toll on me. <BR> <BR> I was very ambitious at the end of 1012 and set some, what I thought, were great goals for me to accomplish. Little did I know that the focus I had on myself would shift to my mom. I relinquished my self preservation mode to spend time caring for my mom long distance. I only realized after her death just how much I did for her on... Tue, 31 Dec 2013 22:06:09 EST Making Progress! I seldom get to acknowledge I am making progress so WooHoo to me!!!! <BR> <BR> Things are going well with my personal trainer. I have been going for 5 weeks and have not missed a day. That is a great accomplishment for me. Normally I would have given up or at least missed a day or two. Now don't get me wrong. There was one day I wanted to cancel and made the call to do so, but when I got Shana's voicemail ( my trainer) I hung up and put my big girl panties on and went as scheduled. ... Sun, 17 Nov 2013 13:15:09 EST Pushing On!!! This is the challenge I posted for this week on the Pet Lovers team. It has been a rough week for me and I came up with this challenge as much for myself as for the team members. Battles are not won by retreating. No matter how rough the battle is, you gain ground by pushing ahead. So that is what I am challenging myself and anyone else who wants to join me, to do this week. PUSH ON!!! <BR> <BR> No matter how rough your journey is you have to "Push On." Don't give up, keep pushing you... Sun, 3 Nov 2013 11:45:18 EST Week's 3 & 4 Reflections So, how am I doing with my goals??? Not well. Ashamed to blog about it as I am letting myself down. The binge monster and lack of motivation have taken over my life. You know, since my mom died in June my life has changed drastically. I have let everything go, myself most importantly. It's almost as if I don't care anymore. That's what I feel. I just don't care. I don't test my sugars four times a day anymore, I don't do my eye drops like I am suppose to. I just don't do it and don'... Mon, 28 Oct 2013 19:34:46 EST New Family Additions Am I crazy or what!!!! We adopted two kittens the other day. Bella and Willow. They came from the pound but had been staying in a foster home. I saw them in the on-line photos from the pound and immediately fell in love. So, I am now back to officially being catladyx8. <BR> <BR> It is crazy having babies in the house again. Bella is friendly but when she got home hid for several hours. Then finally in the evening, around bedtime, she came out from under the bed and looked at me as if ... Sat, 26 Oct 2013 07:02:03 EST Week 2 Reflections Still struggling with my action steps. Trying my best but I know I can do better. I am just being lazy. I know it, I admit it!! LAZY!!!! How do you light that fire under your behind parts??? <BR> <BR> This week I really struggled with eating 80/20 and eating every 3 hours. I found that I was hungry or so I thought around the 2 hour mark. This week I will try to focus on why I am eating when I eat between meals. Is it really hunger or just my mind playing tricks on me?? <BR> <BR> My ... Sat, 12 Oct 2013 12:09:05 EST Week 1 Reflections So week 1 of my new goals/habits is done. How did I do???? Let's just say I could have done better, but I'm not finished yet. I will continue for another week and keep trying to do my best. Life gets in the way sometimes....we all have experienced that. <BR> <BR> Step 1: Eat 80/20 had difficulty with this. Had more than 20% off days. <BR> Step 2: Control blood sugars. Did better with this and used less insulin <BR> Step 3: Get 8 hours sleep. Went to bed an hour early most nights a... Sat, 5 Oct 2013 10:59:02 EST Reflections So yesterday I took a day of rest and reflection. I thought about what has been going on in my binges, lack of motivation, feeling bad about myself, <BR> stuff like that. <BR> <BR> I looked at what I wanted at this point in time. Right now, I want to feel energized like I used to. Last year I was really energized and feeling good. Not so much now. How did I get to this point??? Well, my binges haven't helped. They make it difficult to control my blood sugars and I have to ... Sat, 28 Sep 2013 11:40:30 EST Is There Any Help For Me??? I am on a fast track to nowhere. I am binging like cray. Every day this week has resulted in binge eating. I am just out of control. Today I consumed over 2800 calories!!!! Yikes!! How do I expect to lose weight when I am putting in more calories every day?? <BR> <BR> I thought I was making progress. I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem and sought out therapy for it. I have been in therapy for a month and I am no closer to stopping the binges than I was before I started... Wed, 4 Sep 2013 18:33:00 EST What's Different About This Week? Last week things went well. I had my binge eating under control or so I thought. this week is another story. The binges started again but smaller in quantity so that's a plus. <BR> <BR> After reviewing what was different I realized that last week I was making a conscious effort to eat mindfully. It was a challenge I was doing on my Pet Lovers Team. Once I got the hang of it, it went pretty well and I was finding that I was not eating after my scheduled meal. I was satisfied. Could it... Wed, 7 Aug 2013 18:37:02 EST Taking Positive Steps.. So when my mom got sick I let myself go. I stopped journaling my food, although I tracked ( most of the time). The binges started all over again and I got into trouble. Then when mom died I really stopped focusing on me and just let life happen. It doesn't take long for the old habits to work their way back into your life and they seem even harder to break. <BR> <BR> Last week I got sick of my behavior and started looking into solutions. I put my focus on seeking counseling for my eatin... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 10:41:18 EST So, what do you want???? Today Sparkcoach posed a good questions...what do you want out of life? It asked you to list 5 things you could be people, goals, things you want to do. Just list 5 things you want. Then it said to ask yourself, "what you are doing today to reach those goals?" <BR> <BR> So, what do you want out of life??? My 5 things were: <BR> <BR> - to skydive <BR> - to wear a size 18 jeans <BR> - to be happy <BR> - to be healthy <BR> - to develop consistency <BR> <BR> Not necessarily in th... Tue, 16 Jul 2013 12:05:09 EST Thank You!!! I just wanted to take a minute to send a big THANK YOU to one and all for the support you have shown me during the illness and recent death of my mom. My Spark family is truly a great group of people who show care and concern at every turn. Your prayers and words of encouragement have been touching and are what have helped me through this difficult time. <BR> <BR> I have been home for a week now and I am only just starting to get back into my sparking. I still miss my mom terribly but she... Sat, 6 Jul 2013 12:03:09 EST And So It Is Finished... My mom was finally laid to rest on the 24th. It has been a busy week and a half. Her wake was on the 20th, her memorial service on the 22nd and her burial on the 24th. During all of this I was cleaning out her apartment and trying to get probate papers in order. <BR> <BR> I thank God for my DH. He has been great. Very supportive, kind and understanding. He has worked hard and I know it has been physically difficult for him. He has been a trooper. <BR> <BR> I was doing good until I sa... Sat, 29 Jun 2013 19:20:19 EST The time has come... I got "the call" around 10:15 this evening that my mom had passed away. I am devastated and that doesn't even begin to tell you how I feel. I know she is now in a better place free from pain, but that does little to comfort me. <BR> <BR> Thank you all for your kind words on my other blog. I do have a lot of great memories that right now will be a two-edged sword. <BR> <BR> You are my family now in more ways than you'll ever know. I count you all as blessings in my life. <BR> <BR> <e... Fri, 14 Jun 2013 23:07:47 EST Time is near.... My mother has been sick for so much of this year. She has spent more time in the hospital and nursing home than she has at her apartment. Now the time has come to say goodbye. She is dying and this time it does not look like she will bounce back. She has had a fierce determination to live and said for years that she didn't want to die. <BR> <BR> On Thursday, after a week of trying to treat an unknown infection, I decided to go with comfort care only. The doc said she was not responding ... Fri, 14 Jun 2013 20:10:50 EST Please, can anyone help?? For some time now I have been having a terrible time eating at lunch. I plan a healthy lunch and eat it, but right afterwards I am still looking for food. I end up eating tons of calories by eating all sorts of things. I cannot find an emotional reason, but maybe, if I really had to come up with something, I'd say it was loneliness. I think I am filling the lonely spot with food. <BR> <BR> Let me explain to you what I am doing. Today for lunch I had a great meal. I really enjoyed it. ... Tue, 21 May 2013 16:26:12 EST Happy Anniversary Today is my 16th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe 16 years have passed by. Seems like just yesterday we were getting ready for the wedding. I looked at the suit DH wore and chuckled because he is nowhere near to fitting into it anymore. Last year he accidentally put on the pants or I should say, tried to put on the pants and wondered why they didn't fit. (chuckle) I did find something sweet in the pocket of the jacket. The day of the wedding I gave DH a favor, a pink hair ribbon, a... Fri, 17 May 2013 11:06:26 EST Always Learning New Things Here at Spark... I was exploring Spark today looking at teams that do challenges. I already belong to several but I found the 1 day challenge team. I had forgotten all about it. I belonged to it a long time ago but left for some reason I can't remember. Well, while I was looking at the team the challenge today was to listen to Spark radio. What??? I see the Spark radio on my sparkpoints page but I didn't think I could listen to it. Duh!!! I checked it out today and after dealing with some "buffering" ... Tue, 14 May 2013 11:36:49 EST Why not just give up???? That's what I began asking myself today after receiving some more bad news. Over the past week, week and a half it seems bad thing are happening. In nursing we always knew that bad things happened in 3's. People always died in 3's. It always happened that way. We didn't expect anything else to happen. Well, in regular life it is the same way, not with people dying but with bad things happening. <BR> <BR> Last week one of my kitties died, that was the first thing. Then my mom fell and ... Wed, 8 May 2013 19:29:33 EST Australian Trek Week 5 The outback trekking is almost over. I have been enjoying my journey, even though it is virtual. <BR> <BR> Week 5 had us trekking from Pemberton to Walpole, 121 miles. <BR> <BR> As we left town we passed under the big Gloucester Tree. Last week some brave trekkers climbed the tree. I wasn't one of them!!! We walked on through the Kari forest to the Cascades where there were several waterfalls. We took a short break and I ate a package of my peanut butter crackers. After our break we c... Sun, 5 May 2013 10:33:03 EST Thank you... Just wanted to send out a big THANK YOU to all the sparkfriends who responded to the death of my cat, Big Guy. You all are terrific people. To be so understanding and supportive. Your kindness at this time is greatly appreciated. <BR> <BR> <em>304</em> Thu, 2 May 2013 12:27:07 EST Sad news :( I am devastated. My oldest kitty, Big Guy had to be euthanized yesterday. I noticed that he had been slowing down. Then this week he started drinking lots of water and was sleeping more. He had also begun meowing more, almost constantly. yesterday he wanted to sleep in the tub and he just wasn't acting right. When we got to the vet the doc said kitty was very sick and until he did blood work he couldn't be sure what we were looking at. I suspected diabetes or renal failure. Of course ... Wed, 1 May 2013 09:40:38 EST Australian Trek Week 4 Week 4 of our trek brings us halfway on our journey. We're going from Balingup to Pemberton. <BR> <BR> Day 1 takes us through the Golden Valley Tree Park where there are over 5,000 trees from around the world. we trek along the edge of the Blackwood Valley and see beautiful views of forest and farmland. In the distance you can hear cows mooing. As we trek we come to an area that had a bushfire. Bushfires occur frequently in Australia during the hotter months due to the hot, dry climate.... Sun, 28 Apr 2013 10:10:38 EST Australian Trek Week 3 And so week 3 of our Australian trek continues. <BR> <BR> On Day1 we left Dwellingup and got to Lane Poole Reserve. The Murray River was flowing and several people were seen fishing. I wonder what kind of fish they were catching? There was wildlife everywhere. Lots of birds keeping the trees alive with noise. The wildflowers provided bursts of color throughout the forest. We camped again and luckily there was a privy. Back top rations. For lunch I had a tasty Italian style sandwich ... Sat, 20 Apr 2013 15:39:03 EST New video link!!! I too was still having trouble getting the link to my video. I contacted someone today about it. The woman said people she knew were not having trouble viewing it but she supplied me with a new link to try so here goes: <BR> <BR> <link> </link> <BR> <BR> I checked it out today and it worked great. I connected to the video without any problem. So please try the new link out. I watched the video this morning for the 100th time!!! It motivates me and... Fri, 19 Apr 2013 10:40:14 EST My video is on YouTube!!!!! For those of you who follow my blogs you may remember back in November of 2012 I did a video for my Humana insurance company. It was for their coaching program. Well, the video is now out. It is on YouTube. I was notified today. I am not happy with how I look in the video but the video itself is good. I am pleased with what it says. <BR> <BR> I hope the people who see it are inspired to make healthy lifestyle changes and get started regardless of where they are now in life. <BR> <BR> ... Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:53:02 EST Week 2 of my Australian Trek This week was fabulous. Tiring but enjoyable. So much to see. We started out at King's Park and Botanic Gardens in Perth. I briefly visited the park during week 1. The views and coloful wildflowers were great. I got to see some dolphins swimming in their natural habitat. That was really neat. I did see some birds on the trail - an Australian Ringneck and a White Cheeked Honeyeater. <BR> <BR> On day 2 I got to see some kangaroos. The trees were alive with the sounds of birds. One pa... Sat, 13 Apr 2013 11:48:56 EST Things That Made Me Smile Today One team challenge today is to write a blog about two things that made me smile today. <BR> <BR> #1 I smiled today because the sun is shining and it is warm out. Ohhh, there is nothing like the warmth of the sunshine. I know my cats love to lay in the sun. When I open the front door and the sun shines through they follow the sun beams and sprawl out soaking in the warmth. <BR> <BR> <BR> #2 I smiled today because my DH made me laugh. He had a tick on his behind parts that I had to ... Sun, 7 Apr 2013 12:27:52 EST Virtual Trek to Perth This week I started a virtual trek in Australia. It is done on the Chair Exercise team and it is great fun. I've done several of these and it is a great way to get exercise and see the world even though it is virtual. The sparker who invents these trips does an excellent job with providing information about the areas we trek in. I know some of you don't understand this, but to reassure everyone I DID NOT go to Australia. I am there virtually. <BR> <BR> Week one of the trek was spent pre... Sat, 6 Apr 2013 12:02:02 EST Accentuate the positive!! Today has been off to a good start. I've had some "lightbulb" moments and that's always good. I have been having a hard time at lunch with over-eating. I eat a good meal. It is always within my calorie range but when I am finished I want more. I am not hungry, I just want MORE food. Instead of stopping myself I give in and usually make 1 cup of white rice with 2 slices of reduced fat cheese in it. Sometimes it doesn't stop there. I can also give in to 1 or 2 frozen burritos in additio... Fri, 29 Mar 2013 13:39:01 EST What A Difference A Year Makes!! Things for me have really changed since a year ago. It was about this time last year that I finally got serious about my weight loss. I stopped looking to other people to see what they did to lose weight and focused on what I needed to do to lose weight. When I saw that other people had lost significant pounds I asked them how they did it. I asked if they had any tips or tricks for me. Everyone had good ideas, but I finally got ahold of the key that has worked for me. The key for me is ... Sun, 17 Mar 2013 18:12:56 EST 1 inch...really???? No this isn't about weight loss. It's about snow!!!! We were forecasted to get about an inch of snow yesterday. Well, Friday night into Saturday. By Saturday evening we had 8 inches!!!!! What?? 8 inches, really? Who blew that forecast? The little flakes started Saturday morning and then stopped for a little while ad then started back up. I always heard that the small flakes are the ones to worry about. big flakes don't do anything but little ones add up to big problems. How true!!!... Sun, 17 Feb 2013 14:15:02 EST I reached a goal!!! After the rough start to 2013 I got myself together and got back on track...for the most part. I still stumble, but then I wouldn't be human if I didn't. <BR> <BR> I am finally down by 17 pounds so that's good. My weight fluctuates daily, but I am learning to live with that. I don't get bent out of shape like I used to when I weigh a pound or more because I know in another day I'll be back down. <BR> <BR> Some time ago, probably a year ago, I bought a size 20 jeans. I tried them on and ... Sun, 27 Jan 2013 07:23:50 EST Rough start to 2013!!! :( I had all the best hopes for 2013. My goals and game plan were in place. Boy did I have a rude awakening!!! And it is all because of a delicious snack that I got...sesame sticks. Sesame sticks for me are like crack to a druggie!! I ordered some on-line and then found some at a local Amish store. I was loaded down with the blasted things. The worst part was when I found out the serving size I was appalled, but did that stop me from eating cupfuls??? NO!!!! I couldn't help myself. The... Sat, 5 Jan 2013 14:29:01 EST 2012 In Review and Plans for 2013 When 2012 started I made goals for myself. The first time I had ever done something like that. I used to make resolutions but they lasted maybe one day. So I decided goals were a better way to go. <BR> <BR> My goals for 20121 were: <BR> - Eat more freggies <BR> - Exercise better portion control <BR> - Continue using a smaller dinner plate <BR> - Lose 10 pounds <BR> - Save 2% of my income <BR> - Exercise 3x/week <BR> - Use exercise equipment - treadmill and stationary bike <BR> <BR> How d... Mon, 31 Dec 2012 12:40:29 EST