CANNIE50's SparkPeople Blog CANNIE50's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Role models <img src=""> I was "talking" (via SP comments) with a friend I admire. We are both on the verge of turning 60. Well, I'm actually 56 1/2 (can you tell I spend time with kids? ; ) so 60 is the next milestone birthday. I take note of role models. I figure we are all inspirations or warnings, at any given time. I know I've been both. I go to a lake near my house nearly every morning so that my hooligan dogs can romp a... Mon, 21 Dec 2015 15:19:25 EST Struggle forward I am a confirmed struggler. Very few things come easily to me. Talking, eating, reading, writing...these things come a bit more easily to me than other areas of my life. Speaking of other areas of my life, I can tell you that since I last checked in, via blog, with Sparkfriends, I have been humbled in basically every area of my life. Health? Yes, I've struggled with some illness. Weight? Yes, my weight remains 40 lbs north of comfortable. Marriage? Yes, serious discussion of separation thankf... Wed, 18 Nov 2015 14:54:30 EST safe place to spill I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. I am a person blessed with good friendships, both here and in my daily life. At some point in my 30's I began to let go of more difficult friendships that left me feeling worse about myself and my life. I don't have room for those kinds of relationships - I have enough of those in my extended family, including in-laws, thankyouverymuch. I have some close friendships, some lovely but more distant friendships, and some friendly acquaintances. Tw... Wed, 29 Apr 2015 15:20:17 EST Hawaii 2-oh- two My husband's old friend is getting married in Hawaii, in June, and he booked us a trip (and then told me about it but that is a different story, and I am deciding to be grateful for the trip, instead of being annoyed that he did not check with me to see if the dates would work - I have responsibilities, too!...oops, back to grateful). Anyhooooo.....I won't lie. One of my first thoughts was "ugh, fat in Hawaii" but then, thankfully, I recalibrated my attitude about that, as well. I reminded my... Wed, 22 Apr 2015 19:02:47 EST stress and chaos I still meet with a therapist but only every few weeks now. At our last session, my kind and empathetic therapist said something that really struck a chord with me. "Stress is the perfect breeding ground for regression." I had been disappointed in myself for letting go of some good habits that I worked so hard to adopt (daily exercise, for instance) and I had gone back to some unhealthy habits that I worked so hard to let go of (like over-eating at night). When she told me about stress and re... Thu, 2 Apr 2015 22:57:35 EST big fat truths The truth is, I am feeling big and fat and very uncomfortable. <BR> <BR> The truth is, I am tired of telling you this, Sparkly people. <BR> <BR> The truth is, I am more comfortable feeling like I am being a bit inspiring and encouraging than I am feeling stuck and uninspiring. <BR> <BR> The truth is, my willingness is in short supply and I have been on a fruitless search for a big dose of willingness to replace the rebellion, and stubbornness, and continual feeling of struggle and failure... Mon, 30 Mar 2015 16:49:35 EST Not easy, but worth it. "I did not tell you it would be easy, I told you it would be worth it." Russell Wilson <BR> <BR> Okay, non football fans, Russell Wilson just happens to be the darling, determined, precocious quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks. They just happened to pull off a historically improbable, "do you believe what you just SAW?!" kind of victory, last Sunday, in the NFC Championship game. All hope appeared to be lost, but they pulled off a win because they refused, absolutely refused, to give up to... Thu, 22 Jan 2015 16:16:53 EST Big messes and little miracles Hi Sparklers. I have missed you. I was feeling too much unwillingness around eating well (I was eating like the proverbial hungry goat trapped in a 7-11, basically) and emotionally overwhelmed (more about that later) to feel like I had anything to bring to the Spark table. I knew I would be back, though, and here I am. My dear friend, Sparkler Jitzuroe, posted a blog and that was the catalyst to come back today. I find it often just takes one friend reaching out a hand to help us find our way... Thu, 8 Jan 2015 17:41:10 EST precious Precious:a resource of great value; not to be wasted or treated carelessly. <BR> <BR> I have a challenge for you, and myself. Each time you think about your body, insert the word "precious" as the first, and perhaps only, adjective. I just ate a nutritious breakfast and, before eating, I silently said grace and this was my prayer: "please help me to take proper care of my one and only precious body". I actually prepared myself a good breakfast, and I actually sat at the table to eat it, and ... Fri, 7 Nov 2014 12:03:28 EST It's been awhile This is a long blog so if you don't know me, feel free to skip it, but I have the urge to reconnect with my Sparkly friends. I have not Sparked for two weeks, and I have not blogged for over a month. But, I cannot spare energy for guilt so I am just blogging, and checking on Sparkfriends, and logging my food. I am coming off a couple of weeks where I broke my vow of not taking on anything too exhausting, but I am recognizing that and making some corrections. As is often the case, I went on a... Wed, 15 Oct 2014 16:21:55 EST I feel 10 pounds better I noticed something today, as I was on a trail walk with one of my dogs (the crazy lab puppy <em>338</em> ) We were walking up an incline and I realized it felt easy, and I wasn't breathing hard at all. I realized "I feel ten pounds better." I have lost ten pounds in the past month or so. I have been tracking my food on SP, with the exception of a couple days. I have been saying "no thank you" both to myself and to others, a little more. I have stepped up my exercise on some days, stepped u... Wed, 10 Sep 2014 13:30:59 EST I got my body into this... so it is my job and my obligation to get my body out of this. That is the thought I had when encountering altitude sickness while climbing Grouse Mountain (see previous blog) and that is the thought I have about being 5'3- ish and weighing 188 pounds. I have tried very hard to accept my weight and shape since I feel so trapped by fat, for so long, but here is the thing. I simply cannot accept the unacceptable as long as there is something, anything I can do about it. My body recovered nicely... Tue, 19 Aug 2014 14:46:54 EST Well, that was humbling... This past Friday morning, I headed up to beautiful Vancouver, BC with some good friends, to tackle Grouse Mountain, the infamous (and rightly so) Grouse Grind. 1.8 miles, 2800 feet, and nearly 3,000 "stairs" (I am 5'3" - these rough, uneven stairs were not designed with short people in mind, believe me) along with boulders and rough trail. To get ready to tackle this climb once again, I began training a couple of months ago by climbing thousands of stairs, and miles of hills, with various fr... Mon, 18 Aug 2014 15:46:17 EST You just have to adapt I was talking with my sweet 10 year old son, P. He was telling me about football practice. He described a drill where they run and various coaches fire the ball <em>281</em> at them, and they attempt to catch as many as they can. He caught 5 of 7 which is pretty good considering he is a lineman, not a receiver. Anyhoooooo.....I said "did the coaches give you kudos?" (I know, it sounds like a dorky question because it was a dorky question.) He said "Mom, they didn't really say anything. If... Thu, 31 Jul 2014 17:04:35 EST Fighting for her life I began today at the gym with my best friend. We were doing circuit training. The last circuit was a boxing workout. I punched first, she held the mitts. She laughed as I began to punch. "Oh my God, you are punching so hard it's like you are thinking of someone in particular." I told her I was. I was, and am, thinking of my dear friend Bren aka Jitzuroe (on Sparkpeople). My best friend knows Bren's story. She knows Bren has arbitrarily and unfairly been hit by two vicious, debilitating condit... Tue, 22 Jul 2014 14:00:59 EST Fighting for her life I began today at the gym with my best friend. We were doing circuit training. The last circuit was a boxing workout. I punched first, she held the mitts. She laughed as I began to punch. "Oh my God, you are punching so hard it's like you are thinking of someone in particular." I told her I was. I was, and am, thinking of my dear friend Bren aka Jitzuroe (on Sparkpeople). My best friend knows Bren's story. She knows Bren has arbitrarily and unfairly been hit by two vicious, debilitating condit... Tue, 22 Jul 2014 14:00:59 EST To Boot Camp or not to Boot Camp... that was the question. I previously blogged about swearing off Boot Camps because I honestly feel I had basically aged out of them. Then, my best friend, who is stubborn and disagreed with my assessment, bought me a punch card so I could work out with her. I thought about giving it back to her, for her to use, but agreed to just "try it out". I am happy I did. It is not actually a boot camp, first of all. It is more circuit training/strength training. It lasts 45 minutes which is so much more... Fri, 18 Jul 2014 13:33:27 EST I'm on to my self A few months ago, I promised, via a blog, to share some lessons learned from my visits to a very helpful therapist. This is a therapist who has restored my belief that therapy is a useful tool. Well, she and a friend of mine who is also in the profession and who is a very balanced, wise, kind person who seems to really help the people she sees. Let's face it, some of us know some people who bill themselves as counselors or therapists, or who possess advanced degrees in psychology or psychiatr... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 23:26:31 EST vintage WHINE "I don't want to restrict my food, give up sugary foods, pizza, etc etc etc because I already don't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes - I don't want to give up EVERYTHING - wah wah wah wah.....!" That, my Sparkly friends, is my vintage WHINE. Time for an attitude adjustment. Me allowing myself to be so undisciplined about food feels disrespectful of my (29 years as of yesterday!) sobriety and freedom from nicotine and other drugs. Plus, being so fat - I am 5'3", small boned, and just a handf... Sat, 5 Jul 2014 17:54:34 EST I want to be like HER! That is what I whispered to my best friend, after we stopped to chat with a woman on the trail. My best friend and I set out on this gorgeous sunny Pacific Northwest day, with our four combined dogs (she left one of hers, a sweet but ancient Lab, behind at my house). We also had my 10 year old Payton, with us, along with my sweeter-than-sugar 3 month old nephew, Wyatt. Anyway, it was a perfect day to be outside. Sometimes, we encounter grumpy people on the trail, which is unfortunate, but ... Fri, 30 May 2014 21:47:59 EST Goals. Diet. Cleanse. Each of the words in the title of this blog - Goals. Diet. Cleanse. - cause me a bit of anxiety and make me think of failure. I am more a fan of challenging myself, in many little ways, rather than setting big, lofty goals. One of the things I challenge myself to, is to get a lot of nutrients into my body, especially before noon, so as to start my days off better. Diet, to me, is a loaded word that makes me think "short term, temporary, failure". In terms of doing a "cleanse" I treat my li... Wed, 28 May 2014 13:34:06 EST update from CannieLand Hi beautiful, Sparkly people. I've been AWOL for over 30 days but I trust you won't throw me in the Sparkly brig. Knowing you, you will welcome me back open-armed, because that is the kind of people you are <em>220</em> <BR> <BR> Why have I been gone so long? No one specific thing has kept me from this place. It is, as is so often the case, a multitude of things. Life piled up, pounds piled on (or rather stayed piled on) and I just had to step back a bit. I needed to gather some perspecti... Tue, 20 May 2014 23:22:13 EST a measure of fitness I recently saw a definition of fitness: "flexibility, strength, endurance, balance". If your immediate thought was to feel bad and think that you don't possess any of these qualities, or at least not enough of these qualities, I am kindly asking you to <em>227</em> Now, read that list again and sit with the idea that you do possess these qualities in some measure or you would be six feet under, or at the very least, completely bedridden. I think the key, for me anyway, is to compare me t... Tue, 25 Mar 2014 18:55:02 EST everything but the food That is what I told my therapist that I wanted to talk about, when I saw her earlier today. I have been going to see this therapist for a couple of months, roughly once per week, after a hiatus from any type of counseling for years, because I had lost faith in the value of therapy. Fortunately, I met A, upon the recommendation of a friend of mine who is a therapist, and my faith in therapy has been restored. One of the things to spurred me to seek help is my weariness at fighting and fighting... Tue, 11 Mar 2014 19:26:51 EST Holy Mother Nature! Two weeks ago, tonight, I set off on a road trip to Eugene, Oregon, which is several hundred miles south of my home, to see my sister J. J. was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and was scheduled to endure her 2nd chemotherapy visit, so I wanted to be there to offer support and assistance. My mother, and another of my sister's was with her for her first chemo treatment, and another sister helped her through her initial surgery, diagnosis, and surgery recovery. I am one of six sisters. Two are ... Tue, 18 Feb 2014 20:37:20 EST Come along with me.... as I visit my therapist. Okay, I promised I would let you know how it went, when I visited a therapist to seek assistance in freeing myself from disorderly eating. I will spare you the gory details, but I will share with you some of the things she is asking me to do, in case you find any of it helpful. So far, we have not done any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (C.B.T.) which is what I told her I was seeking when I began this counseling. She is experienced at C.B.T. but she said she uses a "... Wed, 22 Jan 2014 18:26:36 EST "you can cry while you are doing the dishes" Someone gave me this advice..."you can cry while you are doing the dishes" many, many years ago when I was in my 20's and facing down alcoholism. Basically, what they were saying, of course, is that even when you are feeling sad and a bit overwhelmed by emotion, you can still take care of the business of daily living. This advice rings true for me, nearly 30 years later, and I definitely had to follow it last week. I was facing an overly busy week. I had over-booked myself, which is a habit... Tue, 14 Jan 2014 19:08:21 EST and so it begins... I met with a woman today, who offers counseling and who utilizes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as one of her tools. Talk therapy only goes so far, and I am interested in actual tools to re-wire my haywire behaviors, especially as it relates to the area of over-eating and disorderly eating. My first impression of this woman is really good. I liked her personality immediately, I felt comfortable right away, and I particularly like that she offers a free half-hour consult to see if it will be a... Mon, 6 Jan 2014 22:25:45 EST 1.Keep 2.Going My sister-in-law posted a quote from Runner's World, to her Facebook page. "I made two New Year's resolutions: 1. Keep 2. Going." That about sums it up, right? Although, to be specific, "keep going" in the right direction. Lately, I have been traveling in the wrong direction. I have been feeding my compulsion and truly struggling with food and fat. Nothing new for me, just more pronounced lately. I had a <em>3</em> moment this morning, while struggling through an icy walk with my <em>... Sat, 4 Jan 2014 14:13:41 EST "put a team together" I have been going for acupuncture for the past month or two. My doctor recommended it, along with Physical Therapy, for treatment of my damaged ligaments (from the injury I sustained 4 months ago). I did not do them simultaneously because (a) I wanted to figure out which treatment was helping and if I were doing both at the same time I would not know which one was doing what and (b) I didn't want that many medical appointments in a week and (c) we have plenty of bills, including medical and ... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 20:15:38 EST if you can't beat 'em, join 'em When I was a teenager, I had a good friend named Margaret. She was one of the scrappiest girls I ever met which was probably what attracted me to her. I was very afflicted by the disorder of "people pleasing" at that time in my life, and to be around someone who would say anything to anyone at anytime, no matter how much it annoyed or angered them, was kind of fascinating to me. Anyway, the first time I visited Margaret's home, her mother was drunk. In the middle of the day. Margaret expl... Mon, 28 Oct 2013 15:39:37 EST no regrets I am in week 6 of my recovery from torn ligaments. I am also dealing with an impinged nerve in my hip that was exacerbated by the walking boot I wore for several weeks. I am faithfully keeping my Physical Therapy appointments and I am doing the exercises they recommend, which consist mainly of using the elliptical and working on my balance (balancing on my bad foot/ankle is pretty pathetic at this point but I am determined to re-build strength) and I am getting back into strength training by... Tue, 1 Oct 2013 19:03:29 EST Accept, Adapt, Adjust I sprained my ankle over a month ago. I began physical therapy this week, after being in a walking boot. The physical therapist did some tests and then we discussed treatment. She said, because my sprain was a Grade 3, which is severe, my recovery is going to take longer than I thought. I gave up Boot Camp, running, hiking, long & fast walks, because I simply could not do any of them. I did not give up walking around, going up and down stairs in my house, and being on my feet, because I ... Thu, 19 Sep 2013 17:32:41 EST getting my house in order Well, so much for exercising at home while I am rehabbing my injury and wearing BUB (BigUglyBoot - thanks for naming "him", Sparkler Jitzuroe ; ) I had the best intentions, so much so that I blogged about it. But, I have proven to myself once again that I am a person who does much better exercising in a gym and exercising outdoors. I haven't given up on the thought completely, and I have a great little workout planned out, thanks to suggestions from my 9 year old son, and from some of you... Tue, 3 Sep 2013 19:03:46 EST focusing on what I CAN do Since my Sparkname is Cannie, I need to focus on what I CAN do while rehabbing a messed up leg. I was sort of surprised when, earlier today, after hearing about my best friend's plans to go on a hike (one she and I and our brother dogs <em>200</em> <em>200</em> have done many times together), I started to cry (after I hung up, I didn't want to make her feel bad for doing something I am happy she can do). My son, Payton, noticed the tears and I explained that I was just sad about being ... Sun, 25 Aug 2013 14:51:20 EST and then she called me a fat *&%*@ Yup, a woman called me a fat b***h. I did not actually hear her say that to me, but, unfortunately my VERY protective 9 year old heard it and he yelled at her to "shut your pie-hole". Yikes. I hustled him out of there and reminded him that, if there is arguing to be done with grown-ups, it will be me who does the arguing because I am pretty good at it, actually, and because it is not a 9 year old's place to argue with adults, no matter how foolish or rude they are, especially if I am standi... Sat, 24 Aug 2013 21:39:21 EST it looks SO much better in the store than it would on me No, I am not talking about an LBD <em>346</em> , I am talking about a gorgeous, delectable, oh-so-fancy <em>475</em> . As I was shopping the other day, I walked right by the in-store bakery. "Walked right by", those being the operative words. Those seductive little calorie-bombs were not even safely contained in the bakery cabinet, some had escaped and they were lying around, on several different display tables, with their come-hither frosting, and their sugary promises of momentary tr... Tue, 20 Aug 2013 01:46:56 EST Cannie's big fat ankle I did something to my ankle. Yesterday, in a chaotic moment (there are lots of those around here) I hurt my ankle/foot/calf. I jumped from the step of my back deck, in an attempt to grab my dog <em>200</em> before he escaped out the back gate, which my 9 y.o. son's two (hooligan) friends left open. I landed in a little hole, my ankle rolled, I felt something tear, and I was on the ground yowling. The two (hooligan) boys quickly left, my dear son came running over to me "is something br... Wed, 14 Aug 2013 15:41:34 EST popsicles & Gatorade My 9 year old had his tonsils and adenoids out on Monday. He was so good about complying with all the instructions, pre-surgery. No eating or drinking after midnight, brushing his teeth but not swallowing any water, taking a shower and not applying that gawdawful "cologne" (it should be illegal to call it that) Axe (the favorite of pre-pubescent boys everywhere, as if they aren't pungent enough in their natural state). I was proud of myself, too, because I actually fit in a workout and rac... Thu, 8 Aug 2013 18:10:27 EST What if..... If you, like I, struggle with compulsive eating and weight gain/loss, what if you, and I, stepped outside of the struggle for a bit? <BR> WHAT IF, instead of thinking you have to eat strictly Paleo, or gluten-free, or some other strict plan, you just focused on freeing yourself from one self-sabotaging habit for now? For me the habit I am conquering is eating after dinner and up until bedtime. I have successfully retired this habit in the past, and can retire it again - eating late into the ... Wed, 31 Jul 2013 16:28:24 EST Mother Nature's Stairmaster aka The Grouse Grind That is what the people of beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia <em>636</em> call the infamous Grouse Grind (I tried to post a link but I guess you can Google it instead ; ) This is how I chose to spend my 54th birthday, climbing nearly 3000 "steps" up Grouse Mountain, a smallish mountain but still a freaking mountain <em>198</em> My best friend and I set out early Wednesday, July 3rd, and crossed the border into "Supernatural British Columbia" - whoever coined that term was exactly r... Mon, 8 Jul 2013 13:06:09 EST big old skin-bag My 9 year old son makes me laugh each and every day (thank God) and this morning he was commenting that he is happy with how he looks, and with his body type. He is a big kid (I am 5'3" and he now looks me in the eyes - I think he has one inch to catch me). He is a solid kid but definitely tends toward the chubby in his cheeks and his belly. He is built just like his birthdad who is a very big, muscular guy who also had chubby cheeks and a chubby belly when he was 9 years old. My point is... Wed, 26 Jun 2013 17:45:38 EST It takes what it takes, Babycakes! I would like it to be easy to lose weight and feel great. I really would. I want someone to whack me over the head with a magic wand and VOILA! Fat melts right off into a big pile of goo, and I just walk away from the mess and the madness of being fat. Um, yeah, it doesn't actually work that way. It takes what it takes. It takes accepting my part in the mess. I can't change my DNA, and I can't fix my own thyroid (though I cooperate in the fixing attempts, by taking the tests an the vario... Wed, 19 Jun 2013 14:27:34 EST Expectations are just advance resentments. I read that somewhere, recently, in some unlikely place and it has stuck with me. I constantly catch myself having expectations, and, of course, often they are not met, either by me or by someone else. This often leads to resentments, which are expensive emotional cargo. I have let go of some old resentments recently, which is very liberating. I don't need to add new ones in their place. I was working out this morning and it occurred to me that I need to shed my expectations about exerci... Wed, 17 Apr 2013 15:48:40 EST holy junk food, Batman! I took a road trip recently, with my 9 year old son. We went to visit my husband's sister and her husband and their 12 year old son. My husband did not join us, which is not unusual. My husband is a workaholic which is a whole 'nother blog topic. Anywhooooo.....for several days before I left on this little journey, I had been marveling at the fact that I seemed to have switched out of "fat and getting fatter" mode, and into "fat but getting fitter" mode. Over a 6 month period, I regained... Tue, 9 Apr 2013 13:55:46 EST whole lotta love That title (besides being the title of one of the best rock and roll songs ever written and performed) pretty much sums up the past couple of weeks of my life. As many of my Sparkfriends know, my husband and I took in our youngest child as a baby. He is now 9 years old. He began life as our nephew, the child of my husband's "baby" brother and his then wife. Addiction took hold of the birthparents, took them to awful places, and they simply could not take care of a child. We took P. in an... Sat, 23 Mar 2013 14:02:21 EST Cannie doesn't play that game.... Yesterday I spent some time in the company of a woman I don't know well. She is a friend of my sister. My sister's friend is exactly my age (53). She is tall and very slender - I am neither. Neither is my sister. My sister and I have a lot of nice qualities but a comfortable height-to- <BR> weight ratio is not among them. My sister's friend has legs that are not much bigger around than my arms. So, when she began to refer to herself as "fat", when she made a number of references to ho... Sat, 23 Mar 2013 00:54:53 EST I am a sugar perv! I just had this distressing realization when I responded to Sparkfriend Musically Minded, and her status about being weary of seeing her friend's Facebook photos of cupcakes, cakes, cookies, candies, etc. I told her that I can relate because I have a near-visceral reaction to sightings of sugary concoctions, whether it be while walking past a bakery, or leafing through a magazine, or watching a television show or movie. When I see any kind of sugary-food porn, I swear my heart rate goes up,... Thu, 14 Feb 2013 22:54:13 EST bam bam, bam bam bam I joined a new gym. My last gym closed suddenly, so, for three months, I was without a gym. I relied on a little running and a lot of walking for exercise. I did no strength training. I have always said that I love strength training. For some reason, though, apparently I don't love it enough to do it at home, alone. Apparently I need to be around people, with a fitness instructor firing off directions, in order for me to strength train. I have been averaging 4 workouts a week at the gy... Tue, 29 Jan 2013 23:27:26 EST One hundred small things There are at least a hundred different ways I can make each day of my life better. Out of respect for your time, I certainly won't list a hundred or more things, but a few come to mind: <BR> <BR> *Getting up before anyone else in my family, to have a little time to ease into the day. <BR> *Making sure the dog, and I, get a walk. <BR> *Taking the 30 to 40 minutes to put my 9yo son to bed-making sure he brushes his teeth, etc., reading a Beverly Cleary book with him, saying a prayer, tucking ... Tue, 22 Jan 2013 22:44:49 EST