CANNIE50's SparkPeople Blog CANNIE50's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community I'm on to my self A few months ago, I promised, via a blog, to share some lessons learned from my visits to a very helpful therapist. This is a therapist who has restored my belief that therapy is a useful tool. Well, she and a friend of mine who is also in the profession and who is a very balanced, wise, kind person who seems to really help the people she sees. Let's face it, some of us know some people who bill themselves as counselors or therapists, or who possess advanced degrees in psychology or psychiatr... Wed, 9 Jul 2014 23:26:31 EST vintage WHINE "I don't want to restrict my food, give up sugary foods, pizza, etc etc etc because I already don't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes - I don't want to give up EVERYTHING - wah wah wah wah.....!" That, my Sparkly friends, is my vintage WHINE. Time for an attitude adjustment. Me allowing myself to be so undisciplined about food feels disrespectful of my (29 years as of yesterday!) sobriety and freedom from nicotine and other drugs. Plus, being so fat - I am 5'3", small boned, and just a handf... Sat, 5 Jul 2014 17:54:34 EST I want to be like HER! That is what I whispered to my best friend, after we stopped to chat with a woman on the trail. My best friend and I set out on this gorgeous sunny Pacific Northwest day, with our four combined dogs (she left one of hers, a sweet but ancient Lab, behind at my house). We also had my 10 year old Payton, with us, along with my sweeter-than-sugar 3 month old nephew, Wyatt. Anyway, it was a perfect day to be outside. Sometimes, we encounter grumpy people on the trail, which is unfortunate, but ... Fri, 30 May 2014 21:47:59 EST Goals. Diet. Cleanse. Each of the words in the title of this blog - Goals. Diet. Cleanse. - cause me a bit of anxiety and make me think of failure. I am more a fan of challenging myself, in many little ways, rather than setting big, lofty goals. One of the things I challenge myself to, is to get a lot of nutrients into my body, especially before noon, so as to start my days off better. Diet, to me, is a loaded word that makes me think "short term, temporary, failure". In terms of doing a "cleanse" I treat my li... Wed, 28 May 2014 13:34:06 EST update from CannieLand Hi beautiful, Sparkly people. I've been AWOL for over 30 days but I trust you won't throw me in the Sparkly brig. Knowing you, you will welcome me back open-armed, because that is the kind of people you are <em>220</em> <BR> <BR> Why have I been gone so long? No one specific thing has kept me from this place. It is, as is so often the case, a multitude of things. Life piled up, pounds piled on (or rather stayed piled on) and I just had to step back a bit. I needed to gather some perspecti... Tue, 20 May 2014 23:22:13 EST a measure of fitness I recently saw a definition of fitness: "flexibility, strength, endurance, balance". If your immediate thought was to feel bad and think that you don't possess any of these qualities, or at least not enough of these qualities, I am kindly asking you to <em>227</em> Now, read that list again and sit with the idea that you do possess these qualities in some measure or you would be six feet under, or at the very least, completely bedridden. I think the key, for me anyway, is to compare me t... Tue, 25 Mar 2014 18:55:02 EST everything but the food That is what I told my therapist that I wanted to talk about, when I saw her earlier today. I have been going to see this therapist for a couple of months, roughly once per week, after a hiatus from any type of counseling for years, because I had lost faith in the value of therapy. Fortunately, I met A, upon the recommendation of a friend of mine who is a therapist, and my faith in therapy has been restored. One of the things to spurred me to seek help is my weariness at fighting and fighting... Tue, 11 Mar 2014 19:26:51 EST Holy Mother Nature! Two weeks ago, tonight, I set off on a road trip to Eugene, Oregon, which is several hundred miles south of my home, to see my sister J. J. was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and was scheduled to endure her 2nd chemotherapy visit, so I wanted to be there to offer support and assistance. My mother, and another of my sister's was with her for her first chemo treatment, and another sister helped her through her initial surgery, diagnosis, and surgery recovery. I am one of six sisters. Two are ... Tue, 18 Feb 2014 20:37:20 EST Come along with me.... as I visit my therapist. Okay, I promised I would let you know how it went, when I visited a therapist to seek assistance in freeing myself from disorderly eating. I will spare you the gory details, but I will share with you some of the things she is asking me to do, in case you find any of it helpful. So far, we have not done any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (C.B.T.) which is what I told her I was seeking when I began this counseling. She is experienced at C.B.T. but she said she uses a "... Wed, 22 Jan 2014 18:26:36 EST "you can cry while you are doing the dishes" Someone gave me this advice..."you can cry while you are doing the dishes" many, many years ago when I was in my 20's and facing down alcoholism. Basically, what they were saying, of course, is that even when you are feeling sad and a bit overwhelmed by emotion, you can still take care of the business of daily living. This advice rings true for me, nearly 30 years later, and I definitely had to follow it last week. I was facing an overly busy week. I had over-booked myself, which is a habit... Tue, 14 Jan 2014 19:08:21 EST and so it begins... I met with a woman today, who offers counseling and who utilizes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as one of her tools. Talk therapy only goes so far, and I am interested in actual tools to re-wire my haywire behaviors, especially as it relates to the area of over-eating and disorderly eating. My first impression of this woman is really good. I liked her personality immediately, I felt comfortable right away, and I particularly like that she offers a free half-hour consult to see if it will be a... Mon, 6 Jan 2014 22:25:45 EST 1.Keep 2.Going My sister-in-law posted a quote from Runner's World, to her Facebook page. "I made two New Year's resolutions: 1. Keep 2. Going." That about sums it up, right? Although, to be specific, "keep going" in the right direction. Lately, I have been traveling in the wrong direction. I have been feeding my compulsion and truly struggling with food and fat. Nothing new for me, just more pronounced lately. I had a <em>3</em> moment this morning, while struggling through an icy walk with my <em>... Sat, 4 Jan 2014 14:13:41 EST "put a team together" I have been going for acupuncture for the past month or two. My doctor recommended it, along with Physical Therapy, for treatment of my damaged ligaments (from the injury I sustained 4 months ago). I did not do them simultaneously because (a) I wanted to figure out which treatment was helping and if I were doing both at the same time I would not know which one was doing what and (b) I didn't want that many medical appointments in a week and (c) we have plenty of bills, including medical and ... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 20:15:38 EST if you can't beat 'em, join 'em When I was a teenager, I had a good friend named Margaret. She was one of the scrappiest girls I ever met which was probably what attracted me to her. I was very afflicted by the disorder of "people pleasing" at that time in my life, and to be around someone who would say anything to anyone at anytime, no matter how much it annoyed or angered them, was kind of fascinating to me. Anyway, the first time I visited Margaret's home, her mother was drunk. In the middle of the day. Margaret expl... Mon, 28 Oct 2013 15:39:37 EST no regrets I am in week 6 of my recovery from torn ligaments. I am also dealing with an impinged nerve in my hip that was exacerbated by the walking boot I wore for several weeks. I am faithfully keeping my Physical Therapy appointments and I am doing the exercises they recommend, which consist mainly of using the elliptical and working on my balance (balancing on my bad foot/ankle is pretty pathetic at this point but I am determined to re-build strength) and I am getting back into strength training by... Tue, 1 Oct 2013 19:03:29 EST Accept, Adapt, Adjust I sprained my ankle over a month ago. I began physical therapy this week, after being in a walking boot. The physical therapist did some tests and then we discussed treatment. She said, because my sprain was a Grade 3, which is severe, my recovery is going to take longer than I thought. I gave up Boot Camp, running, hiking, long & fast walks, because I simply could not do any of them. I did not give up walking around, going up and down stairs in my house, and being on my feet, because I ... Thu, 19 Sep 2013 17:32:41 EST getting my house in order Well, so much for exercising at home while I am rehabbing my injury and wearing BUB (BigUglyBoot - thanks for naming "him", Sparkler Jitzuroe ; ) I had the best intentions, so much so that I blogged about it. But, I have proven to myself once again that I am a person who does much better exercising in a gym and exercising outdoors. I haven't given up on the thought completely, and I have a great little workout planned out, thanks to suggestions from my 9 year old son, and from some of you... Tue, 3 Sep 2013 19:03:46 EST focusing on what I CAN do Since my Sparkname is Cannie, I need to focus on what I CAN do while rehabbing a messed up leg. I was sort of surprised when, earlier today, after hearing about my best friend's plans to go on a hike (one she and I and our brother dogs <em>200</em> <em>200</em> have done many times together), I started to cry (after I hung up, I didn't want to make her feel bad for doing something I am happy she can do). My son, Payton, noticed the tears and I explained that I was just sad about being ... Sun, 25 Aug 2013 14:51:20 EST and then she called me a fat *&%*@ Yup, a woman called me a fat b***h. I did not actually hear her say that to me, but, unfortunately my VERY protective 9 year old heard it and he yelled at her to "shut your pie-hole". Yikes. I hustled him out of there and reminded him that, if there is arguing to be done with grown-ups, it will be me who does the arguing because I am pretty good at it, actually, and because it is not a 9 year old's place to argue with adults, no matter how foolish or rude they are, especially if I am standi... Sat, 24 Aug 2013 21:39:21 EST it looks SO much better in the store than it would on me No, I am not talking about an LBD <em>346</em> , I am talking about a gorgeous, delectable, oh-so-fancy <em>475</em> . As I was shopping the other day, I walked right by the in-store bakery. "Walked right by", those being the operative words. Those seductive little calorie-bombs were not even safely contained in the bakery cabinet, some had escaped and they were lying around, on several different display tables, with their come-hither frosting, and their sugary promises of momentary tr... Tue, 20 Aug 2013 01:46:56 EST Cannie's big fat ankle I did something to my ankle. Yesterday, in a chaotic moment (there are lots of those around here) I hurt my ankle/foot/calf. I jumped from the step of my back deck, in an attempt to grab my dog <em>200</em> before he escaped out the back gate, which my 9 y.o. son's two (hooligan) friends left open. I landed in a little hole, my ankle rolled, I felt something tear, and I was on the ground yowling. The two (hooligan) boys quickly left, my dear son came running over to me "is something br... Wed, 14 Aug 2013 15:41:34 EST popsicles & Gatorade My 9 year old had his tonsils and adenoids out on Monday. He was so good about complying with all the instructions, pre-surgery. No eating or drinking after midnight, brushing his teeth but not swallowing any water, taking a shower and not applying that gawdawful "cologne" (it should be illegal to call it that) Axe (the favorite of pre-pubescent boys everywhere, as if they aren't pungent enough in their natural state). I was proud of myself, too, because I actually fit in a workout and rac... Thu, 8 Aug 2013 18:10:27 EST What if..... If you, like I, struggle with compulsive eating and weight gain/loss, what if you, and I, stepped outside of the struggle for a bit? <BR> WHAT IF, instead of thinking you have to eat strictly Paleo, or gluten-free, or some other strict plan, you just focused on freeing yourself from one self-sabotaging habit for now? For me the habit I am conquering is eating after dinner and up until bedtime. I have successfully retired this habit in the past, and can retire it again - eating late into the ... Wed, 31 Jul 2013 16:28:24 EST Mother Nature's Stairmaster aka The Grouse Grind That is what the people of beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia <em>636</em> call the infamous Grouse Grind (I tried to post a link but I guess you can Google it instead ; ) This is how I chose to spend my 54th birthday, climbing nearly 3000 "steps" up Grouse Mountain, a smallish mountain but still a freaking mountain <em>198</em> My best friend and I set out early Wednesday, July 3rd, and crossed the border into "Supernatural British Columbia" - whoever coined that term was exactly r... Mon, 8 Jul 2013 13:06:09 EST big old skin-bag My 9 year old son makes me laugh each and every day (thank God) and this morning he was commenting that he is happy with how he looks, and with his body type. He is a big kid (I am 5'3" and he now looks me in the eyes - I think he has one inch to catch me). He is a solid kid but definitely tends toward the chubby in his cheeks and his belly. He is built just like his birthdad who is a very big, muscular guy who also had chubby cheeks and a chubby belly when he was 9 years old. My point is... Wed, 26 Jun 2013 17:45:38 EST It takes what it takes, Babycakes! I would like it to be easy to lose weight and feel great. I really would. I want someone to whack me over the head with a magic wand and VOILA! Fat melts right off into a big pile of goo, and I just walk away from the mess and the madness of being fat. Um, yeah, it doesn't actually work that way. It takes what it takes. It takes accepting my part in the mess. I can't change my DNA, and I can't fix my own thyroid (though I cooperate in the fixing attempts, by taking the tests an the vario... Wed, 19 Jun 2013 14:27:34 EST Expectations are just advance resentments. I read that somewhere, recently, in some unlikely place and it has stuck with me. I constantly catch myself having expectations, and, of course, often they are not met, either by me or by someone else. This often leads to resentments, which are expensive emotional cargo. I have let go of some old resentments recently, which is very liberating. I don't need to add new ones in their place. I was working out this morning and it occurred to me that I need to shed my expectations about exerci... Wed, 17 Apr 2013 15:48:40 EST holy junk food, Batman! I took a road trip recently, with my 9 year old son. We went to visit my husband's sister and her husband and their 12 year old son. My husband did not join us, which is not unusual. My husband is a workaholic which is a whole 'nother blog topic. Anywhooooo.....for several days before I left on this little journey, I had been marveling at the fact that I seemed to have switched out of "fat and getting fatter" mode, and into "fat but getting fitter" mode. Over a 6 month period, I regained... Tue, 9 Apr 2013 13:55:46 EST whole lotta love That title (besides being the title of one of the best rock and roll songs ever written and performed) pretty much sums up the past couple of weeks of my life. As many of my Sparkfriends know, my husband and I took in our youngest child as a baby. He is now 9 years old. He began life as our nephew, the child of my husband's "baby" brother and his then wife. Addiction took hold of the birthparents, took them to awful places, and they simply could not take care of a child. We took P. in an... Sat, 23 Mar 2013 14:02:21 EST Cannie doesn't play that game.... Yesterday I spent some time in the company of a woman I don't know well. She is a friend of my sister. My sister's friend is exactly my age (53). She is tall and very slender - I am neither. Neither is my sister. My sister and I have a lot of nice qualities but a comfortable height-to- <BR> weight ratio is not among them. My sister's friend has legs that are not much bigger around than my arms. So, when she began to refer to herself as "fat", when she made a number of references to ho... Sat, 23 Mar 2013 00:54:53 EST I am a sugar perv! I just had this distressing realization when I responded to Sparkfriend Musically Minded, and her status about being weary of seeing her friend's Facebook photos of cupcakes, cakes, cookies, candies, etc. I told her that I can relate because I have a near-visceral reaction to sightings of sugary concoctions, whether it be while walking past a bakery, or leafing through a magazine, or watching a television show or movie. When I see any kind of sugary-food porn, I swear my heart rate goes up,... Thu, 14 Feb 2013 22:54:13 EST bam bam, bam bam bam I joined a new gym. My last gym closed suddenly, so, for three months, I was without a gym. I relied on a little running and a lot of walking for exercise. I did no strength training. I have always said that I love strength training. For some reason, though, apparently I don't love it enough to do it at home, alone. Apparently I need to be around people, with a fitness instructor firing off directions, in order for me to strength train. I have been averaging 4 workouts a week at the gy... Tue, 29 Jan 2013 23:27:26 EST One hundred small things There are at least a hundred different ways I can make each day of my life better. Out of respect for your time, I certainly won't list a hundred or more things, but a few come to mind: <BR> <BR> *Getting up before anyone else in my family, to have a little time to ease into the day. <BR> *Making sure the dog, and I, get a walk. <BR> *Taking the 30 to 40 minutes to put my 9yo son to bed-making sure he brushes his teeth, etc., reading a Beverly Cleary book with him, saying a prayer, tucking ... Tue, 22 Jan 2013 22:44:49 EST I am such a liar I have often said "I don't really eat fast food. Fast food is not my weakness. Fast food is not one of my struggles." Liar, liar - my (bigger) pants are on fire. Sure, McDonalds and Burger King, etc., are not calling my name but Starbucks (chai tea, a cake pop), a frozen yogurt place that my youngest son likes to go to, and a smoothie shop, all saw plenty of business from me over the past few months. I knew it was bad when I walked into the smoothie shop and the sweet guy who works there... Mon, 14 Jan 2013 23:57:59 EST It isn't how you start... it's how you finish. I was reminded of this truism yesterday when listening to the Seahawk's (yay!!) coach's post game speech. They had started the game down by 14 points in the first quarter. It looked like they were going to fail, dismally. They didn't, because they didn't just lie down on the field in utter shame and embarrassment, they just went ahead and did what they knew how to do. <BR> <BR> If you are reading this, and you are like me (and lots of others) and you have stumbled ... Mon, 7 Jan 2013 18:07:14 EST I need to lose 5 pounds eight times. I am 40 lbs from a comfortable, healthy weight so I need to lose 5 lbs, eight times. That's all. Simple, right? Sure, it's simple. I just wish simple meant easy but, as most of us learn the hard way, the most valuable things often require a certain amount of discomfort and dedication and discipline. <BR> <BR> I am basically posting this blog to reconnect with Spark, because I have been so hit or miss lately. I miss connecting with Sparkfriends. <BR> <BR> I also want to... Fri, 4 Jan 2013 13:47:18 EST applying the brakes I am so appreciative of the comments and support I receive when I blog. My last blog, about my need to apply the brakes to steady weight gain based on messy, unneccessary eating, was no exception. While I don't want to be a person who blogs only when things are going well, conversely, I don't want to blog only when I am struggling, either. For the past several days I have applied the brakes by eating a sane amount of nutritious food, tracking what I have eaten so I know where I am at nutri... Tue, 30 Oct 2012 19:56:00 EST hit the brakes! Hit the brakes! That is what I was yelling to myself, in my sleep, last night. I had a dream that I was in my car, in the backseat, and it was drifting onto the freeway, toward a certain and awful crash. This is a recurring theme for me, dream-wise, when my life is unmanageable - in the backseat of a vehicle which is careening out of control and I feel helpless and desperate to stop the inevitable catastrophy. Doesn't take a dream specialist to see what my brain is telling me - take the d... Mon, 29 Oct 2012 14:03:04 EST last half marathon I did my first half marathon in Vancouver BC Canada, not long before my 47th birthday. The weather was awful - blowing sideways, dumping rain - but I finished it. I completed my last half marathon this past Sunday, in Vancouver Washington, at the age of 53. The weather was basically perfect for running. It was in the 50-60's degree range, cloudy, no wind and no rain. The course was lovely, as were the other participants, the volunteers, and supporters along the way. It never fails to su... Thu, 18 Oct 2012 17:58:57 EST A tired body.... will hang on to fat, for all it is worth. I am paraphrasing an article I read today. I have experienced this phenomenon, and I have long believed that whenever anyone talks about weight loss, if they only mention food and exercise, they are leaving out an important component - SLEEP! Actually, more than sleep. Rest. A tired body hangs on to fat, a tired brain craves fat..... and sugar, and simple starchy carbohydrates, as a cheap substitute for rest. This is my experience, anyway. I ini... Wed, 19 Sep 2012 17:00:55 EST Life is messy I am coming off a bit of a rough stretch. To be blunt, and a bit vulgar, I was feeling like life had kicked the $%$# out of my heart. Family-related pain, mostly. I was feeling misunderstood and resentful, especially towards some of my family, especially my extended family. As many of my Sparkfriends know, I am estranged (at his request) from my eldest son. There is no point going over it - nothing has changed. Of course, when there is an estrangement between two members of a family, all... Sun, 12 Aug 2012 14:58:57 EST Q&A re Ragnar Relay I have decided to interview myself regarding my Ragnar Relay experience. I started to post a blog about Ragnar the other day, found myself getting way too wordy (oh, the shock of THAT <em>40</em> ) so I decided to do a question and answer format to try to keep myself from going on and on. Well, let's see how it goes.... <BR> <BR> Q. What IS a Ragnar Relay? A. It is a 200 or so mile relay race and they are held all over the country and usually involves 12 runners but some crazy/fit peopl... Wed, 1 Aug 2012 20:08:06 EST ready to Ragnar? So, the Ragnar Relay Race (12 runners, 200 miles, 2 days - run, eat, drive, sleep?, repeat repeat) begins this Friday. I am runner one of the 12 women on my team. Our start time is 7am, at the Peace Arch park in Blaine Washington. If you have ever driven into Canada, via I-5, say from Seattle to Vancouver BC, then you have passed through here. It is gorgeous. I am happy for the early start time and for being the first runner. It will be cooler, and there will be less time for me to feel... Tue, 17 Jul 2012 16:34:41 EST addiction claims another soul My youngest sister just called me. She was crying and the connection was not good but I made out the word "died" and my heart sunk. She was calling to tell me that an old friend to she and her husband, had committed suicide. I don't know the circumstances and my rule in situations like this is to ask little but listen to whatever the other person wants to tell. I did not know their friend well but I had met him a few times. I remember the first time I met him my first reaction was one of... Sat, 14 Jul 2012 16:45:26 EST please don't quit I ran a 7 mile trail race today. It is a race that has been around for 45 years and draws hundreds and hundreds of runners and walkers from around my hometown and beyond. The majority of the race takes place on a tree lined trail, with glimpses of a million dollar view of beautiful, sparkling Bellingham Bay. I approached this race as a test for the Ragnar Relay Race that I will be a part of in two very short weeks. In Ragnar, I am Runner 1, of a team of 12 women, and I am responsible for t... Sat, 7 Jul 2012 18:46:50 EST don't leave early.... So, today is my 53rd birthday. I woke up late. I woke up feeling gross from over-eating last night. I have yet to do any of the exercise I had planned today. I am feeling heavy and a bit mad at myself that, rather than being at a comfortable weight on my birthday, I have gained and am uncomfortable. I basically feel like I should have an apple in my mouth and be roasted on a spit! So, this is where I hang my head in shame, pack up my Sparkgoodies, close up my Sparkpage, leave in the mi... Tue, 3 Jul 2012 17:14:05 EST numbers numbers numbers There are days I feel like numbers run my life. Numbers on the scale, numbers on the clock, the numbers on a clothing label. The numbers of minutes I am running late, or how many minutes I can allow to get somewhere without being tempted to up the number on the speedometer which would then result in being way more minutes late and require a number of dollars to be paid, thus making it an idiotic strategy overall. The numbers in my bank account, the numbers of minutes I have exercised, the nu... Sat, 30 Jun 2012 14:16:52 EST persistence is good except when it involves fat and cravings Being fat does not fit in with my plans. When I think about things I have planned, and things I want to do, being fat just does not fit anywhere in the picture. I have a few things coming up - running in a few races, the first being a trail race that is 7 miles long. It starts in a picturesque part of town, and ends at a beautiful park that sits along a bay. The race takes place on July 7th which is my eldest son's birthday, and because we are estranged, it behooves me to have things to d... Sun, 17 Jun 2012 14:27:48 EST Right here, right now, right choice Regret and fear steal a lot of energy. One of my regrets in life is that I allowed myself to become obese, that I have spent inordinate amounts of mental and emotional energy thinking about, worrying about, stressing about, being embarrassed about - being obese. At times, I fear I will never truly be free of compulsive eating, of the extra weight that burdens my joints and my heart and lungs and the rest of my precious, one and only, body. While I still carry more weight than my body needs,... Sat, 9 Jun 2012 14:03:51 EST "Surprise them" I have signed up to run Ragnar. Ragnar is a race that takes place in different parts of the country. The basic premise is this: "12 runner, 200 miles, 36 hours". Team size varies, along with the actual total miles of the course but it is a relay race, with each team member committing to run 3 or more separate legs, varying in length (3 miles to 12 miles), varying degrees of difficulty (think hills), and most likely the team member will be running one leg the first day, one in the middle ... Thu, 7 Jun 2012 12:44:01 EST