CALLIKIA's SparkPeople Blog CALLIKIA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Three Weeks with Mixed Feelings I am trying so very hard to be positive here. Let's get to the good part and then we'll go from there. <BR> <BR> Highest Weight: 466.6 <BR> Starting Weight: 460.6 <BR> Weight at Pre-Op Diet: 437.8 <BR> Surgery Day Weight: 419.8 <BR> Current Weight (Sunday's Weigh In): 391.8 <BR> <BR> So, how do I do my stats? What numbers do I count? This is how I've been handling it. <BR> <BR> Weight lost since pre-op diet: 46 pounds <BR> Weight lost in 2015: 68.8 pounds <BR> Total weight lost: 74.8 po... Tue, 24 Nov 2015 12:55:00 EST Well, That Didn't Work! So, Monday I thought I was doing well. I toughed it out at work. Fell asleep at my desk a time or two, but woke my butt up and tried to occupy myself with things. It didn't help that I started off the day with bad news that money I've been trying to get for 2 years just ran out for this fiscal year. No word yet on when the next fiscal year begins but we're all afraid it's July 1. It's bad news for at least 3 clients that were counting on this help and the end to countless hours of work I... Wed, 18 Nov 2015 09:18:00 EST On the Other Side So, I know I've been gone for a while. No worries! Not dead yet! (...think I'll go for a walk <em>20</em> ) <BR> <BR> Things have been moving a little fast and furious, so let me see if I can give you all the rundown. <BR> <BR> January 26, 2015 - Weighed in at the doctor's at 460.6. Only 6 pounds off my heighest ever recorded weight - which was recorded back in 2004 when I was on my way to try to get gastric bypass surgery. This doctor's check-in was to start a insurance required pr... Mon, 16 Nov 2015 09:32:18 EST Finally! Made it through this weekend! UGH! <BR> <BR> So, one thing my kids and husband will tell you is that I don't like to sit still. That's why I have a full-time job PLUS operate my own business. Half the time I feel like I'm just running in circles and not getting anything done. Even more frustrating when I'm battling these pains from my broken body. <BR> <BR> I had a full week of work last week. I have a booked week this week (except Friday). And this weekend...I had photography assignm... Mon, 10 Aug 2015 09:31:32 EST Another Week Gone I swear time is moving so slowly right now as I await some word from the surgeon's office...and I haven't even had my consultation yet! <BR> <BR> So, yes, we switched insurance carriers to hopefully speed things up. If I've done my homework right (pretty sure I have), I should be pushed on through with Aetna. I have a couple final little things to clean up to get my insurance dropped (had to have proof from Aetna that we had coverage before my work will drop mine - I got cards yesterday!)... Fri, 7 Aug 2015 14:02:22 EST Or...Not. *sigh* Guys. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm being 100% honest here. I am not trying to overreact, but the level of my frustration can no longer be measured. <BR> <BR> My husband called the insurance company Monday to get our group and member ID number so I could give it to my chiropractor for insurance processing, only to be told that his request for coverage hadn't been "inputted" yet. His work has it on file. Coverage was backdated to 7/16/15, but someone in their office ... Wed, 29 Jul 2015 08:55:02 EST Anxiously Awaiting Thursday. <BR> <BR> Thursday is a day that could alter everything. <BR> <BR> And I'm freaking the heck out over it! <BR> <BR> Once we switched our insurance, I called up the surgeon's office and asked if I could go ahead and get my consultation with the surgeon. That consultation is scheduled for 8am this Thursday. <BR> <BR> I have to say that I'm nervous. Not about the surgery, really. But a bunch of other things. <BR> <BR> * I'm nervous it won't work out again. What if I got all my... Mon, 27 Jul 2015 11:31:17 EST Hows About an Update? Hey, everyone! *waves* <BR> <BR> Okay, so I've been a BAD girl and I haven't been logging into Spark and logging my calories here and blogging and all that. On the upside? I've been logging everything at My Fitness Pal and logging it all in my EC Life Planner. <BR> <BR> So, how are things going? Well, I hate to jinx it and say well, but...Well, actually. Here are the updates: <BR> <BR> Diet - Okay, so at my last monthly weigh in with my doctor my weight hadn't budged. What she didn't... Thu, 23 Jul 2015 09:28:47 EST NSV - Gym When You Don't Want To! Yesterday was one of those overly tired sore days. One of those days when you think, "Why am I awake?" <BR> <BR> My plan and my planner said I was supposed to go to the gym and I told myself about 12 times, "I REALLY don't want to." I was hurting and sore and my body was telling me to rest. <BR> <BR> I didn't listen. <BR> <BR> I went to the gym. Thanks to Shane for pushing me to do that. (He just sent me a message halfway through the day saying, "I'm excited about the gym later!" so ... Tue, 30 Jun 2015 09:10:02 EST Gym - CHECK! Hello lovelies! I know it's been a little while. I've been doing my best, working hard, and reevaluating every bit of my life in the past few months. It's exhausting! <BR> <BR> <em>216</em> <BR> I joined a gym! Shane and I went out to look at a few places in the city here where we work and see if there was anything we liked. Because he is starting a new job soon and his vow to work out with me will be impossible to fulfill most days, we settled on Planet Fitness. It's $20 a month f... Mon, 29 Jun 2015 10:54:35 EST Under the Weather Ugh! So sick of being sick! I've had the same sinus infection for 2 weeks now and I'm SO over it! The first week it made me lose 8 pounds, the second week I gained back 7 of those. *sigh* #annoyed <BR> <BR> Official weigh-in is next Monday and I'd like to lose 3 pounds by then, but with being sick and the stress, I may not make it. Still, I'm going to give myself the best chance I have. <BR> <BR> I've planned out most of my meals between now and Saturday. Still stuck on Saturday lunc... Thu, 11 Jun 2015 09:59:49 EST Ready for the Gym? This weekend was a crazy mess. One more week and then things should calm down just a bit. Actually...a LOT. I'm looking forward to it and to getting super serious about my weight loss and my own journey of self-discovery. <BR> <BR> Update from last post. I did tell the ex that I would not file for divorce yet. I told him I am also not getting back together with him right now. I did tell him that I would try to spend some time with him now and again and give him the opportunity to liste... Mon, 8 Jun 2015 11:43:56 EST It's All a Hot Mess As my kids tell me...if you're going to be a least you're hot! *lol* <BR> <BR> All weekend I had a sore throat. I pushed through it and accomplished a LOT. Had a good walk into work on Monday. Noticed my legs are carrying me better again. Was feeling good. <BR> <BR> Slept pretty much ALL of Tuesday and Thursday thanks to a brilliantly timed sinus infection. *sigh* <BR> <BR> Tuesday I get some annoying texts from the ex...which I ignored and promptly fell back asleep...and t... Fri, 5 Jun 2015 09:29:11 EST A Good Weekend My legs and abs are sore...that's always a good thing after a productive weekend. <BR> <BR> This was the first weekend I've had off from my photography business in a long time. (And I have graduation and a family shoot this weekend so...) I decided to go ahead and do what I needed to do to get my bedroom in order. I have been wanting to paint and redecorate the room so that I have my own private little sanctuary that doesn't remind me of the ex and gives me a little bit of peace. I als... Mon, 1 Jun 2015 09:27:24 EST One Good Day Deserves Another Yesterday was alright. I did alright. I forced myself through. I'm getting better. <BR> <BR> I sat down and wrote out plans. Money is going to be even tighter this week and next, but I'm honestly trying to just give myself permission and forgiveness for not being able to do everything all at once. Going down to one income. Taking on most of the bills. And then most of my bills went up this month for some strange reason. $10-20 is not that much, but when it happens the same month on li... Fri, 29 May 2015 09:31:58 EST Time to Get Serious Yesterday was my very first counseling session I can remember since the split where I didn't bawl my eyes out. I nearly teared up twice, but not a single tear fell. I went in thinking I needed help in trying to figure out how to move on, but in talking it out with my therapist I realized I'm already doing that...and I'm pretty good at it. I recongize that I'm a resilient person. I've always had to be. My childhood was nothing I would wish on anyone and my entire life has been a series of... Thu, 28 May 2015 09:16:12 EST Month 5 Goals Okay, so crazy things are still happening. I told my son the other day that if it weren't for my bad luck, I don't think I'd have any luck at all. He said, "Well, then wouldn't it be better to have no luck?!" *lol* <BR> <BR> Thursday was weigh in. I did not lose that extra 2 pounds, but I did keep off the 6 I had lost that month. Doctor was pleased. She did adjust some of my medications after I had a pretty serious breakdown last week. I'm still struggling. A lot. I don't know that ... Wed, 27 May 2015 09:19:00 EST Today... ...I have decided to do what's best for me. <BR> ...I will let go of the things that have been holding me back. <BR> ...I will forgive myself. <BR> ...I will allow myself to be perfectly imperfect. <BR> ...I will recognize the things about myself that are amazing. <BR> ...I will understand that my flaws do not define me. <BR> ...I will step forward, courageously, as a strong, independent, single woman. <BR> ...I will make the healthiest choices I can. <BR> ...I will make note of the things I ... Fri, 22 May 2015 10:35:31 EST Work-Work-Work Lots of working going on right now in my life. I finished up my last Senior Session, but I have a family session and a senior mini coming up this weekend, plus my gallery viewing and sales session. I really hope they buy some products! Mostly because I want to see these pictures printed because I'm so proud of them...but also because we need the money right now. I need to get some advertising out there so that people know about my services and I can't do that if I don't have money to adve... Tue, 19 May 2015 10:17:50 EST A Difficult Weekend Well, at least I learned one lesson this week - I am not ready to come off my meds yet. I forgot to take my medicine on Saturday and by Sunday my body was threatening one of the worse panic attacks on record. Too much anxiety and stress right now. Still barely holding it together. I once heard that it takes half the life of the relationship to get over the relationship...if that's true I can just kiss my life goodbye! 10 years of this crap?! I don't think I can manage that. <BR> <BR> Y... Mon, 18 May 2015 11:47:03 EST Goals and Rewards Okay, I'm using this crazy momentum I have right now to set up some goals and rewards for myself. I vow to not count my blessings only as numbers on a scale. I vow to celebrate non-scale victories just as much or more than those I see at the doctor's office each month. I vow to live for myself and do things that better myself - and to give up things that aren't working just because someone I once knew thought they knew what was best for me. No one knows me better than myself. It's time I... Fri, 15 May 2015 14:31:14 EST Hurting Yesterday was hell. Plain and simple. Big fight with the ex. He has since informed me that he is basically over me and that no one will ever love me. (He's a real gem, isn't he ladies?!) <BR> <BR> Thank goodness I had a counseling session and talk with my Mom to talk me out of believing him. Because, honestly, even if I am all alone for the rest of my life, that would be so much better than the torture of being with someone AGAIN who is incapable of loving me in the way I deserve. <BR> ... Fri, 15 May 2015 09:31:35 EST Another Off Day I will really be happy when I have less of these. I do notice they directly relate to interactions with the ex, so...I'm doing my best to limit those interactions right now. He's not making it easy. <BR> <BR> Tonight is my night without the kids...which sucks. Thankfully I have a lot of editing photos to finish up, so hopefully I'll finish the night with a super healthy dinner and lots of editing to finish up that work before my Senior Viewing Session on Saturday. <BR> <BR> ...and he jus... Wed, 13 May 2015 14:31:59 EST Progress. Finally! I did make it a point to leave early today so I could stop by my doctor's office and weigh in. It's been a couple weeks since I've checked in. My last doctor's appointment was actually April 22nd. At that appointment I was back up to 458.2 and trying to move on. I set a goal to be back down 8 pounds by my next weigh in on the 21st of this month. Another week and a couple days away. I have struggled a lot since then, but I've been making as many slow, deliberate steps as I possibly can a... Tue, 12 May 2015 09:26:54 EST Mother's Day Weekend Well, it went better than I expected. Did I eat some not great things? Sure. Did I overindulge? Maybe a little. But did I make some smart decisions as well? Yep. <BR> <BR> The truth is, I was really nervous about telling my mother what was happening in my life. She was more supportive than I thought she would be, but there's always a fear that it won't be the case. <BR> <BR> So, I did have some down moments. But I had some highs too. <BR> <BR> I didn't order a donut with the kids w... Mon, 11 May 2015 12:56:24 EST Failing... Gah! I'm so SICK of falling apart at night! <BR> <BR> It started yesterday at lunch. Lovely coworker thought it was nice to bring us some Wendy's Frosty treats. SUPER nice! Super not what I needed. Not to mention, it was a large, and though I tried to stop halfway, I ended up sitting there and chatting and finishing the thing. *facepalm* So I basically ruined any chance at a normal dinner. As much as I wanted to go straight home and go to sleep and hit my calorie goals and be fine...... Thu, 7 May 2015 09:30:51 EST M4:W2:D4 - Ready to Plan Three days in a row of blogging and logging my food! NSV FTW! <BR> <BR> So the past two days have been crap as far as calories are concerned. Spark puts my calorie goals at 2130-2480. My doctor put my calorie goals at 1800. I've been above both. I do fine during the day, but the evenings kill me. Monday it was my coworkers wanting to go out - which meant fried food and alcohol. (No, I don't have the power to resist right now.) Yesterday was a genuine "I hate my life right now" binge. ... Wed, 6 May 2015 09:03:12 EST M4:W2:D3 So, day 2 of blogging! It's a start, right? <BR> <BR> Yesterday was rough. I had one of my "hungry" days and fought really hard to fight against it. And then my coworkers invited me out to dinner and it all went to hell. Two ciders and 4 chicken fingers later (and some fries). *sigh* It could have been worse, I guess. What I didn't do is go home and snack some more. I thought about it, but I didn't. I went up to my room and chilled out on the bed away from the kitchen. I also walke... Tue, 5 May 2015 11:16:31 EST Life Changes Ugh. So, I'm going to warn you that you won't find warm fuzzies here. In fact, I'm writing this blog more for me than anything else. I'm not going into a ton of detail (or I might), but I need to keep track of the journey in organize my head. The best way for me to organize myself? Writing it out. <BR> <BR> So, as you'll notice, April I was blatently absent. I honestly was absent from life much of the time. I was in the "just barely getting by" stage and struggling a lot. Shane moved... Mon, 4 May 2015 11:49:37 EST M2:W2 Update Well, here we are. One week done with month two. Just two more weeks until weigh-in. Thankfully, I've talked my doctor into letting me weigh in weekly by myself at the office so I can keep track of how I'm doing. Today was weigh-in day. <BR> <BR> As a refresher -- <BR> <BR> Feb-Mar 2015 Goals <BR> Current Weight: 458.0 <BR> Goal Weight: 450.0 <BR> Weight Loss Goal: -8 pounds <BR> <BR> Today's Weigh-In: 453.6 <BR> Loss Thus Far: 4.4 pounds! <BR> <BR> More than halfway there! <BR> <... Fri, 6 Mar 2015 10:45:11 EST On to Month Two Jan-Feb 2015 Goals <BR> Current Weight: 460.6 <BR> Goal Weight: 450.6 <BR> Weight Loss Goal: -10 pounds <BR> <BR> Actual Weight: 458.0 <BR> Weight Lost: 2.6 pounds <BR> <BR> Yeah, this wasn't all I was hoping for and I know a lot of it was caused by a mindset that just isn't quite there yet. I'm still in fake it til you make it mode, so it's hard to say no to things like I used to. That being said, a loss is a loss. I will do better next month. <BR> <BR> Food Goals: <BR> - Make goo... Mon, 2 Mar 2015 10:22:17 EST My Stressed Out Crazy Life Let's just say I have no idea what's going on with me weight wise. My scale right now won't currently weigh me (damn weight limits!). That means I have to go blindly and hope I'm doing the right thing. What's more...I spent most of the first week of this month out of my element...but I THINK I did alright. <BR> <BR> Many of you probably don't know this, but I run a photography business part-time. It's a new venture for me and my lack of clients the past year I've been in business has bee... Thu, 12 Feb 2015 14:44:30 EST Fail to Plan - Plan to Fail And here we are at Day 2...again. <BR> <BR> Life is honestly full of disappointments. One of my oldest and best Sparkfriends yesterday reminded me to keep my eyes open. As she said, I shouldn't set myself up to fail. She's right, of course. All of the pitfalls must be avoided wherever possible. The only problem can't plan for an accident. <BR> <BR> If any person who was ever in a car accident could have had the option to prevent that option with the prior knowledge that it wou... Wed, 28 Jan 2015 11:39:44 EST Forward Progress First things first, I did finally get a call from the Weight Loss Center. NOTE: The nurse I was waiting on works for the OTHER doctor in the practice, so at least there's that... <BR> <BR> I finally had my first appointment yesterday with my new PCP. Must say that I am extremely pleased. I was beyond nervous for this appointment. I have fretted for two months now over it, and then nearly cancelled twice just out of the stress. My husband finally said he would join me because he could e... Tue, 27 Jan 2015 14:17:23 EST Scared Okay, so since my husband doesn't understand, I needed somewhere to put this. I'm scared. Terrified, actually. I've taken the steps required of me to start the process for surgery. I even talked one-on-one with what seemed like the nicest secretary of one of the doctors and she offered to help me try to fast-track everything. I got back with her the information she requested....I had to leave it all via message because she NEVER answers the phone at work. And she left me a message askin... Mon, 12 Jan 2015 12:04:13 EST 2015 Goals Another year. Not any closer to where I wanted to be. Last night was rough. Like I had to pop some pills in order to dull the pain enough to sleep rough. I am seriously losing myself here. The physical pain wears on my mentally and I just feel like I'm falling apart. Trying to not lose hope. <BR> <BR> I have an appointment to see a new PCP on January 26th and I'm hoping this starts a one-year journey to weight loss surgery. Because my body needs help. My willpower body nee... Wed, 7 Jan 2015 09:27:50 EST Planning... So, I'm sitting with myself in the car this morning asking myself: "How do I get this going? What has worked before? What can still work with where I am now?" <BR> <BR> I have to go back. WAY back. Before Spark even. <BR> <BR> I've been dieting my whole life. I hate dieting. It sets off a cycle of self-hate in me that just hurts my heart and my bones. I punish myself for not losing weight fast enough, for not being strong enough, for not having a body like my friends and family. It'... Fri, 24 Oct 2014 09:14:06 EST Back Again Ready for more torture... <BR> <BR> HA! <BR> <BR> Okay, no, seriously. I need to do something. I need to get my head on straight. It's going to be baby steps. I'm not going to be good company for a while. I'm in the fake it 'til you make it stage and trying to focus on the positives when all I can think is, "It HURTS!" If you aren't in the headspace for a little negativity dump, you can come back when I'm back where I need to be mentally...but I can only give what I've got and I need ... Wed, 22 Oct 2014 08:53:00 EST Week 2 Check-In Okay. so let's just start by saying tomorrow is weigh-in and I am not looking forward to it. Week 2 was certainly harder, just as anticipated! <BR> <BR> Goals for this week: <BR> <em>274</em> Drink 8 glasses of water a day. <BR> <BR> I actually don't think I was able to do this yesterday. No clue what my problem was yesterday. <BR> <BR> <em>267</em> Log all food and try to stay within calorie goals. <BR> <BR> Yea, I had 2 days of not logging. I will try to go back and recapture s... Tue, 10 Jun 2014 11:17:59 EST Week 1 Recap - Week 2 Goals Week 1 Recap time! <BR> <BR> SP Redux SW: 435.0 (5/28/14) <BR> Goal for this week: 433.0 <BR> Actual for this Week: 430.2 <BR> Weight Lost this Week: 4.8 pounds! <BR> Total Weight lost: 4.8 pounds! <BR> <BR> Goals for this week: <BR> <em>274</em> Drink 8 glasses of water a day. <BR> <BR> Pretty sure I nailed this one. #winning <BR> <BR> <em>267</em> Log all food and try to stay within calorie goals. <BR> <BR> I did this at least 5 of the 7 days. I really started logging this week... Wed, 4 Jun 2014 09:40:26 EST Week 1 Check-In So, the way I had this setup puts weigh-in on a Wednesday. I actually quite like that. There's so much pressure put on a Monday. I used to love the quote that said, "What kills a diet? Mondays." So, Wednesday it is. That means I haven't weighed in yet and don't know if any of what I'm doing is doing any good...but I'm doing it. <BR> <BR> Quote for today: <BR> “Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trot... Mon, 2 Jun 2014 13:44:21 EST Week 1: Again SP Redux SW: 435.0 (as of yesterday morning) <BR> Goal for this week: 433.0 <BR> Actual for this Week: --- <BR> Weight Lost this Week: -- <BR> Total Weight lost: -- <BR> <BR> Goals for this week: <BR> <em>274</em> Drink 8 glasses of water a day. <BR> <em>267</em> Log all food and try to stay within calorie goals. <BR> <em>311</em> Begin walking every day. <BR> <em>212</em> Start every morning with at least 1 positive affirmation. <BR> <em>7</em> Take starting measurements. <BR... Thu, 29 May 2014 13:39:44 EST Every Journey... ..starts with a single step, right? Mine has included several stumbles, trip ups, brusies, cuts and scrapes. Nothing is easy. I recognize that. For me, weight loss is one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. It has consumed so much of who I am and how I feel about myself that to take for granted the path I've been on since age 5 is to deny who I truly am. <BR> <BR> Last time I thought I had it. I really did. I thought I knew what I was doing. I really thought I had a handl... Mon, 12 May 2014 12:13:21 EST March Goals So, I know I'm halfway through the month already, but let's pretend I had the insight and attitude to be able to start this on the first of the month, okay?! We have to start where we start, right? <BR> <BR> Two days ago I added a new fitness challenge to the fridge. (Every few weeks for the past several months, I add a fitness challenge for the family to compete in. It started as a way to keep my youngest going when wrestling was getting a bit hard, but it helps to keep all of us focused... Mon, 17 Mar 2014 10:52:58 EST Trying Times...We Keep Trying Things have been difficult around here lately. I won't go into details but life has been toying with me lately. My marriage has been a little on the rocks and I've been doing my best to keep my head about me and keep moving forward. It's fine. We are working on things and have even planned a day trip together in order to reconnect and/or make some serious decisions about what we both want moving forward. That being said, eating right and exercising right now is both the most important thing... Sun, 16 Feb 2014 14:35:23 EST When It Hits the Fan Everybody talks about that turning point, right? The moment they KNEW things were going to change, they were going to make an effort. When I first started Spark I didn't have a huge "AH-HA!" moment like most people talk about. I didn't really know what to think about that, but it worked for me...until it didn't. But last night, I had a moment - less of an "AH-HA!" and more of a "OMFG! NOOOOOO!" moment and I knew I was moving toward the right headspace to get myself back in the game. Last... Fri, 6 Dec 2013 09:24:06 EST My Brain is Full You guys know that this is a very real thing, right?! I doubt that this is my problem, but it can happen to people. Stress really can be a harmful to your health! <BR> <BR> Today is December 3rd and I still feel like I'm on day one. <BR> <BR> Yesterday I went home from a slow, boring day at work (a little burned out here too) and went straight to the computer to start editing Sunday's family session. Of course, with being worn out and burned out on everything I feel like half the picture... Tue, 3 Dec 2013 10:59:29 EST THANK Goodness That's Over! Things have been absolutely INSANE for me lately. You see, on top of wanting/needing to lose weight and this salary job that sometimes requires me to work over, travel, spend long nights making sure everything is in place for a client...on top of all that I went and started myself a portrait photography business. <BR> <BR> Smart, right? ;) <BR> <BR> Honestly, it's one of those steps to pursuing my dreams and not letting my weight be a reason I don't do something. But, it means I have been... Mon, 2 Dec 2013 14:35:35 EST Reasons to Start Over * "Finish what you started!" <BR> <BR> * You are not a wimp...or a quitter. <BR> <BR> * Because jeans feel better when they hug you, not squeeze the every loving life out of you. <BR> <BR> * Because hitting a heavy bag is fun. <BR> <BR> * To boost your maneuverability during photo shoots and get the best shots ever. <BR> <BR> * To be known as a superhero mom again. <BR> <BR> * Because grocery stores invented Thanksgiving and Christmas to guilt you into indulging so that by New Year's Da... Wed, 13 Nov 2013 10:46:15 EST Day 1 So, let's just pretend I wasn't here before. Let's not talk about the "f" word I'm feeling so much like and let's move on to goals and all that fancy nonsense. (The truth is, I can't afford to wait around until I have a positive attitude about this whole thing again. I have to go back to my "I don't care if you hate it, you're going to do it anyhow" mentality.) <BR> <BR> Yesterday I weighed in at work at 395. Throughout our biggest loser contest I have managed to maintain or gain every s... Wed, 13 Nov 2013 08:39:10 EST