CAELESTIS's SparkPeople Blog CAELESTIS's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community So much Stress So much stress I could scream. So i fell off plan hard. More like I fell down & rolled off a cliff into a volcano....perhaps not that bad but meh. I am back yay. The good news is that I am learning that I do have some control over how I feel. Yes life can throw crap at me to make me feel like crap but where I go from there is up to me. It is not easy. But I can do it. I am choosing to be happy, or atleast choosing to try very hard to be happy. (not quite there yet lol) <BR> <BR> So it starte... Mon, 14 Apr 2014 11:37:12 EST Progress Pics as I near Onederland Ok so my DH keeps telling me that I have lost sooo much weight but the scale is not showing it to be all that much. But I am down to my size 18 pants that before I couldn't wear until I was in Onederland. So logically yeah I have lost inches atleast but even knowing that I wasn't feeling it. <BR> <BR> Well today while I was getting ready I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror in just my sports bra & panties. I was kindof shocked about how good I looked. I have lost weight & it actually... Tue, 8 Apr 2014 11:53:28 EST Stress but a happy weigh in Today was my weigh in day & yay I lost 2.8lbs! Which was far better then what I was expecting. I have not been doing great or rather I'd like to say that I have not been on plan. <BR> <BR> I am making better choices. I haven't given up. I am trying. But I am not doing nearly as well as I should & I am quite a mess. But it is a process and even when I fall I can pick myself up & learn from my mistakes right? <BR> <BR> Well one thing I am learning is I have a much bigger issue with grazing t... Sun, 6 Apr 2014 23:40:50 EST It is an emotional journey as much as it is physical Things have been...difficult to say the least. Stress, bad dreams, feeling over whelmed by starting all of this it just got to me and I crashed. The good news is that I didn't just bury myself in the rubble and give up. I messed up surely but I didn't straight binge- I did graze but I didn't binge. I still did things. Which often for me when things go bad I just retreat & do nothing. Instead I still got laundry done, did the dishes, cooked dinner. So I am happy about that. I am being positive... Fri, 4 Apr 2014 14:49:30 EST Defining a Routine I woke up this morning from a very bad dream in tears. A recurring dream of my husband cheating on me, lying to me. The joys of having been cheated on I guess. It surely did not set the mood for the day as cheery... <BR> <BR> I then laid in bed longer then I liked before getting up. Went to do laundry but someone else in the building had all the washers in use. I was cranky & upset and this could have been an easy day to say to hell with it and go crawl back into bed. Instead.... I took my 2... Wed, 2 Apr 2014 11:36:56 EST Loving Thyself!! I am happy. Truly unimaginable happy. It is strange for me. Honestly I am scared. Like perhaps it is a lie & at any minute it will come crashing down. Yes all the negative, bad thoughts are still there. I have an anxiety disorder, It doesn't just go away. But I am learning to manage it. It is not easy but I am actually happy. <BR> <BR> I think one reason is that I am loving myself. Loving yourself seems to be like the hardest thing ever right? It is so easy to just hate on yourself, put your... Tue, 1 Apr 2014 00:59:58 EST Gold Star So I had went to one of my favorite sites & posted about my whole cycle of failure & got a really helpful response. About how I needed to give myself credit & reward myself for the little success. Just like my whole no zero days thing I was talking about. <BR> <BR> I need to be conscious of the things that I do not just what I am not doing. <BR> <BR> Today I am giving myself a GOLD STAR &#9734; <BR> <BR> I woke up, took a 20 min walk. I came home did 30 wall push... Sat, 29 Mar 2014 11:51:36 EST A cycle of Failure So I just started updating my blog and I go and I weigh in today and update all of my tickers and my weigh in page. I notice that I started my weigh in page in Jan 2011. It is now March 2014 & what do I have to show for it? From that first weigh in I am like 12lbs lighter.... <BR> <BR> I have been down lower 30lbs even but I bounce back up. I just keep yo-yoing around 200lbs. I so hate this. <BR> <BR> I don't stay committed. I give up. I let myself fail. <BR> <BR> I wanna fail at failing f... Thu, 27 Mar 2014 11:10:33 EST Difficult Journey Life is certainly a difficult journey. I look at where I have come from & where I am today and it amazes me. It has been so difficult some times, sometimes very very difficult. But here I am. I just have to stop & wonder where it will take me next. <BR> <BR> This past year I have learned so much about myself. <BR> <BR> I am stronger then I think I am. I found my strength & discovered that I can rely on myself. I got my GED, I got my driver's permit, I had a real job, & my own money. I wasn'... Thu, 27 Mar 2014 10:53:37 EST Little Black Dress My life has been a hectic mess lately. I have been up & down & seen some of the worst of myself & felt as if my entire world was falling apart. Through it all I am getting up, wiping the dust off & going to come out stronger & better for it. <BR> <BR> Part of that is with getting back on track with a healthy lifestyle and losing this weight. I have been bouncing all around 200lbs but not dropping it really. I got down to 185 when I started my job but bounced back up to 196 with bad diet cho... Wed, 23 Oct 2013 02:25:14 EST Life Turned Upside Down Well things have been very crazy for me lately. I don't even know where to start. <BR> <BR> I guess I can start with the fact that last Sunday May 5th, I got sick with an upper respiratory infection. Super fun right? Well I felt like complete crap & am still sick now more then a week & a half later. I went to the doctor & they were pretty much like get rest & fluids lol. I was so sick the first week I pretty much did nothing but sleep! I also has the worst earache imaginable but luckily it ... Thu, 16 May 2013 11:56:43 EST Agoraphobia & Panic Attacks I have been doing alot of soul searching lately. Thinking about so many things going on with me and how I am feeling. <BR> <BR> I wanted to walk down to the store the other day. I made a plan to do it and felt good &; confident about it. But that morning came, I woke up and everything fell apart.... I freaked out and panicked. My mind flooded with excuses...the weather was bad, it was cold & snowy and super windy. I worried about money &amp; if I would spend too much. I worried about my DH &... Wed, 3 Apr 2013 14:32:40 EST Better Days I am feeling a bit better. Not completely, there is just still alot of bad things there but I just can't do anything about them right now. But I think I can either sit and dwell on what i can't change or deal with that I can. <BR> <BR> I love the serenity prayer for moments like this. <BR> <BR> God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, <BR> The courage to change the things I can, <BR> And wisdom to know the difference. <BR> <BR> So I am CHOOSING to focus on my healt... Mon, 1 Apr 2013 16:25:28 EST All Alone I am starting to feel that I am completely alone & it really breaks my heart. <BR> <BR> I am having really bad relationship issues. I am just not happy. I saw this thing someone posted on facebook talking about 12 signs your relationship is over:<BR>move-on-manifesto/ <BR> <BR> & reading through the list it kindof hit me that right there is my marriage. <BR> <BR> I keep looking back at when we first got together and how happy we were & all the r... Sat, 30 Mar 2013 12:59:29 EST Why does it have to be so hard? I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. Just like a million different thoughts are buzzing around my head &amp; I can't seem to focus. My stress is on high &amp; I really just want to scream & shake it all off. <BR> <BR> I have a huge focus problem. I feel like I have just been slipping down a mountain my whole life, grasping for something solid but not finding it. <BR> <BR> I keep trying to get healthy, lose weight, exercise, get my life together and it feels like I just keep letting it sli... Wed, 30 Jan 2013 22:28:04 EST Day # 32 Stress, feeling sick & men suck Stress sucks. I have NOT been doing so well. It isn't a full on avalanche but my feet are slipping, I have fallen a few times and I just am struggling to keep my balance. <BR> <BR> Fighting a ton with my husband, is never fun. He is a very immature and selfish person. It is not all bad ofcourse. He can be amazingly sweet & loving. He always tells me how wonderful I am, how beautiful, etc.. Some things that he does is just so sweet. & he always gets angry that I only seem to notice the bad st... Mon, 17 Dec 2012 13:31:33 EST Day# 21 The blame game I made bad choices & I know I only have myself to blame. I wish I could blame someone else. Make up some excuse about how it wasn't my fault. That I was out of control. <BR> <BR> Sure last week when I lost 3lbs (yay!!) & walked my goal of 9 miles for the week I was all yay me. I am awesome. No problem acknowledging the choices I made then and even taking sole credit when I wasn't actually feeling that well and some of it may have just been water & not fat :( <BR> <BR> Yesterday I ate nearl... Thu, 6 Dec 2012 10:02:45 EST Day #19 RIP my parakeet Last night my parakeet Skye passed away. Just like 2 1/2 years old which is just too young. I really do not know what happened. That day he seemed fine. I had let them out to fly around earlier and even that evening I had been in the room and saw that they were both fine. But that night I went to go to bed and Icarus (my other parakeet) was acting like he wanted out of the cage, which is very strange for bedtime. They usually can't wait to have the light off and go to bed lol. So I went over ... Tue, 4 Dec 2012 11:51:30 EST day #16 my sweet husband I haven't written in a bit, I just have been feeling meh. I haven't let it throw me off track though so yay. I think just all the changes I am making are throwing my body for a loop. I have to remember I am diabetic and that probably is some of it. My DH says it is because I am just active now where before all i did was sit and that totally could be a chunk of it. I just hope things balance out. <BR> <BR> Speaking of my darling husband, he said some really amazingly sweet things to me yester... Sat, 1 Dec 2012 11:16:48 EST Day #12 christmas shopping woes I feel exhausted right now and it is only 7pm...yuck lol. I ended up waking up late this morning, I didn't sleep all that well. But I turned the alarm off in some type of sleepy haze and didn't fully wake up. 45 mins later I woke up though lol Which is kindof nice that I didn't over sleep by hours. <BR> <BR> I was reading a blog post here @ Peanut Butter Fingers about streamlining your morning routine. I took it to heart & was alot quicker getting out of the door today. Yay me. It wasn't as ... Tue, 27 Nov 2012 19:40:56 EST Day # 10 - Facing & understanding my fear/panic Yay me! I went out for my walk today. Yesterday I might have hit a bump and let myself fall but today I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got back out there! <BR> <BR> I fished out my scarf and I think it helped quite a bit. It was still cold but I said just push through it. I realized that yesterday I just panicked. I have a panic disorder I should totally be used to this by now lol. I get nervous, scared, anxious, frustrated, etc... and I panic. I give up and run away because I just ... Sun, 25 Nov 2012 09:49:28 EST Day #9 Winter's Casualty I am not off to a good start today at all. I didn't want to get up this morning at all but I did about 20 mins later then usual. I got ready and even cleaned the litterboxes and took out the trash so I thought I was pushing forward. <BR> <BR> But then it all went to hell. As I was getting ready I could hear the wind howling outside, it was nasty out. But I figured it would be fine and left for my walk. It was freezing out but the worst was that wind. I only have one direction I can walk from... Sat, 24 Nov 2012 11:27:04 EST Day #8 Post Thanksgiving day & non food related guilt Thanksgiving is now over but it went fairly well diet wise I think. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Wed morning right before we left I check all the animals, make sure they have plenty of food and water. Well my rats were sicks :( They had porphyrin around their nose and were sneezing. At first I thought it was blood but then I remembered reading about it and went and looked it up again. It can be they have an infection or from stress. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> If any of my pets are sick I automatical... Fri, 23 Nov 2012 11:22:54 EST Day # 7 Happy *Almost Turkey Day I feel like crap. I am not completely sure why. Maybe I am getting sick, the subway I ate last night is messing with me or stress. Either way my stomach is doing cart wheels and refuses to behave. I felt just alittle off this morning when I first woke up but then in the middle of my walk my stomach just flip flopped. I felt so nauseated, it was awful. <BR> <BR> I still finished my walk but it took me longer then normal. 32-ish mins on the track for a mile because I kept stopping and/or walk... Wed, 21 Nov 2012 10:06:52 EST Day #5 busy little bee Today is my husband's day off and I am always afraid that it will totally screw up my schedule but so far so good! I woke up and walked & felt awesome. I am getting way good with all my stretches. I long to be just awesomely ah-ma-zing at yoga but so far I haven't lol. Alot of stuff I just can not do and I worry about the right form. I have a video and look online but I wish I could take a class though yeah right like I would lol. But I am slowly trying to add in stuff. I do the sun salutatio... Mon, 19 Nov 2012 09:30:18 EST Day #4- Weigh in & drowning in my mistakes I am feeling so upset right now I don't even know how to start this off :( Yesterday morning I was on fire by that evening it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on me and I sat drenched, cold and sad. <BR> <BR> I guess I shall start with the facts... a few days ago I made this chocolate zucchini pumpkin brownie/bread thing. It was good but I didn't cook it long enough so it just wasn't very firm. Even with all those veggies it was made from a box cake mix and high in calories. I ... Sun, 18 Nov 2012 09:01:26 EST Day #3- Girl on Fire "Oh, she got both feet on the ground <BR> And she's burning it down" <BR> <BR> "Everybody stands, as she goes by <BR> Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes" <BR> <BR> This Girl is on Fire! <BR> <BR> I feel on fire today! I am just so pumped. I want to take on the world. Nothing can stop me! <BR> <BR> I woke up this morning, got ready and went for my walk. At the start of my walk I kept thinking about the article I read yesterday- <link><BR>... Sat, 17 Nov 2012 09:33:29 EST Day 2- Overslept Day #2...So two days in on my new routine and plan and both days I have screwed up. sigh...this is NOT a good start. <BR> <BR> I am disappointed in myself but I am still trying to stay positive and see all the good things I am doing. I am not completely screwing up. And I can improve and do better. Just have to take one day at a time. <BR> <BR> So this morning I overslept by 3 hours, yuck! I slept pretty bad & woke up at 4am too hot and had a rough time getting back to sleep. Then I woke up... Fri, 16 Nov 2012 20:35:24 EST A rough day but positive My day was almost evenly split between some good and some bad choices. <BR> <BR> On the good side- <BR> <BR> I woke up early this morning and followed my schedule really well! Which btw I love my new schedule plan, it works perfectly to keep me focused and not getting side tracked. I don't want to wonder aimlessly. My day having purpose means things get done. <BR> I did great exercise wise- I walked almost 2 1/2 miles. It felt great. It was so cold outside this morning though. I nee... Thu, 15 Nov 2012 19:22:08 EST Creating a Routine I feel like just so much is going on. First Monday when I took my cat to the vet they just decided to keep him overnight. It is silly but I was really sad :( I missed him and felt sad that he was locked in a cage all night by himself. But I got to go get him at 1 tues and his neutering went fine and he was a bit groggy but fine. For some strange reason they clipped his claws extremely short and he is having the worst time with that. he goes to scratch or climb and can't. I had already trimmed... Wed, 14 Nov 2012 15:49:32 EST May the positivity stick I feel amazing like a star about to burst with joy! I am awesome & i know it! First I am feeling the positivity flow. That is a hard one for me. I have for so long drowned in the negativity. Where everyday I just put myself down. Now I am on a different positive path. Sure I am not perfect and I am sure it will creep back up but I won't let it over take me. Now I fill myself with alot of affirmations. If everyday i fill my head with negativity and putting myself down I start to believe that,... Mon, 12 Nov 2012 10:27:13 EST Cats remind me not to take myself too seriously I love my cats. I am a huge cat lover & ofcourse I have the greatest cats in the entire world! Kye who is my baby, loves to remind me why every chance he gets. <BR> <BR> The last few days I have been doing pretty good staying on routine. A few slips here or there but pretty much on track all the way! So every morning after my walk I stretch, do some yoga and meditate. And every morning Kye attempts to interrupt this. <BR> <BR> I am sitting on the floor meditating and here he comes standin... Sat, 10 Nov 2012 18:51:03 EST And out of the darkness she shines... I have been in a very dark, bad, negative, evil place for a while. I sank deeper & deeper and thought I had lost all hope. It was a scary place. Mostly I think it can be said that I just gave up. <BR> <BR> I have heard you have to hit rock bottom before you can see how bad it is and make a change. And if I wasn't there I was surely as close as I ever want to be. I feel apart into this depressed mess of a girl who just couldn't shake it off. I stopped taking any type of care of myself or any... Thu, 8 Nov 2012 08:08:26 EST Tomorrow I will.... I say it so often it might as well be my catchphrase. Sigh, it is really not the right moment, life is kindof crazy, I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm depressed, etc... so tomorrow I will do it instead. <BR> <BR> But that tomorrow never seems to come does it? <BR> <BR> Lately getting back on track has been in my mind alot. I make some plans or say I will stop doing X and start doing Y but things do not fit in perfectly or I feel bleh and blow it off. Swear to myself that I will start tomorrow. It ne... Tue, 10 Jul 2012 10:50:13 EST Etsy So I haven't been blogging lately at all. lots of stuff going on. Which brings me to some very big news.... <BR> <BR> I am starting my own little business! I am so excited. I have wanted to do it forever but it always felt like a dream that I would do...someday. Well someday is today! My DH really pushed me and said you want to do it, then do it have all the money you want to spend to set up and do not worry. Have fun. <BR> <BR> I am going to be making and selling candles on http://www.ets... Sat, 30 Jun 2012 15:14:04 EST I just feel numb Well I was feeling better. I wasn't on track but I felt positive. And then once again life decides that it would rather throw a wrench in to all my plans... <BR> <BR> He cheated on me again... well to be fair idk how far it has gone. I can't bring myself to ask or talk about it. I knew things were not ok & I just kept pushing it aside, living in denial like if I didn't face it then there was nothing wrong. But I knew he was meeting her outside work. I knew he was texting her and hiding the m... Sun, 6 May 2012 09:52:36 EST Grief Thrives in Silence I was doing better, focusing on the positive atleast. yet it is all still so fragile. <BR> <BR> The other day I fell asleep during the day in the living room chair. Is what chilly (snowing here!!) and I was all curled up in my snuggie with my cat purring on my lap, & being a bit tired I fell right to sleep lol. There was a knock at my door. At first it didn't wake me up. My heater is insanely loud, you can't even like hear the tv over it. So it must have kindof disturbed me but not quite wo... Thu, 26 Apr 2012 13:33:43 EST Weigh in 4/22 Well lately things have been up & down. Some positive things along with some more negative things. <BR> <BR> First the negative to get it out of the way lol. I haven't really been paying alot of attention to my diet or exercise. I am very unfocused and not really trying much. I also ordered pizza & had an argument with myself over it and had some guilt, anger, negativity spawn from that. But I can acknowledge this and improve! This is a new week and I can do better. <BR> <BR> On the positiv... Sun, 22 Apr 2012 16:31:32 EST Healing First of all yay me! I woke my tired butt out of bed this morning & walked my butt off. I walked down to the park and sat & meditated, then walked once around the walking track they have & then walked back home. For just a smidgen over 2 miles. As soon as I started walking I felt like crap. My muscles ached and complained. My mind kept giving me negative excuses that I couldnt do it. I should turn and go home, take a shorter walk, etc.. but I didn't give up. I pushed myself and made it. & I f... Tue, 17 Apr 2012 11:30:14 EST My Inner Amazon In my last post I wrote about losing my inner amazon. How she was hidden deep down inside me, still there but lost to me. I think today I have begun to set her free once again. <BR> <BR> My daily tarot card was once again... the Queen of Swords. This card is taunting me. Showing me the reflecting I try to hide from. Out of my last 5 daily tarot pulls 3 of them have been the Queen of Swords...& to be clear I do shuffle my deck and then split it into three piles to cut. lol <BR> <BR> I think... Sat, 14 Apr 2012 16:17:53 EST Rock Bottom I have heard that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rise up. If that is the case then I think I am ready to start rising. last night was bad. Too bad to talk about. i can't see it as any worse and still being able to be here to write about it. Certainly my rock bottom. <BR> <BR> <img src="">I have started doing tarot readings once again and all I keep getting is sword, swords, swords. I never really view the swords as b... Wed, 11 Apr 2012 20:20:49 EST Control and lack of it I am not really doing all that well. It is a struggle. Each day, each moment. My biggest issue is control. IDK why but I have deep issues with control. That is why I have my panic attacks, why I can barely leave my apartment. I can't control the world. I can't control what happens and it makes everything feel like a chaotic, scary overwhelming mess. <BR> <BR> I was reading a comment left on my last blog over and over and over again. Such wise words she left me.I can't control every little t... Sun, 8 Apr 2012 00:10:46 EST Of Fragile Hearths & Minds I haven't written in awhile, even when things were feeling good and I wanted to write I didn't. When I write somehow the truth pours out so... Realizing only afterwards that I had recoiled into my pretend little ball of distraction. Letting myself have fluff focus on things that don't matter so that I could hide from everything that does. While at the same time making myself feel like everything is ok. <BR> <BR> I feel completely insane. I feel like the walls are slipping away & I am in a fu... Thu, 29 Mar 2012 16:36:26 EST Fast Break Goals So I have been reading the Spark Book and am on the section for starting out with Fast Break Goals. All about setting small simple goals and following through on them for a whole week. <BR> <BR> I think this will be a great start for me. I have not been doing well at all. Stress is over taking me and I just fall apart. But hopefully this will jump start my spark and I will succeed! <BR> <BR> I will follow these goals for this first week feb 1-7th and then move on to the next step. <BR> <... Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:31:18 EST A better day I have alot to say but kindof pressed for time ugh. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I tracked my calories today- woohoo! I ate not well, as in no where near enough. I am probably gonna grab something else soon but I doubt I will be over 700 calories today. Not on purpose. I woke up late and then started doing other stuff. i then grabbed a cheese stick and later grabbed some nuts and finally ate dinner but that just all didn't add up to much. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> Yesterday I threw chicken in the c... Mon, 23 Jan 2012 19:39:05 EST puzzle pieces I feel like I am split into all these different little pieces. And as hard as I try I can't bring them all together. I set something up and find I am missing something else. So I work on that and something else gets left out. I strive for balance and I fall completely apart. <BR> <BR> I feel just screwed up. A scattered mess. It is like I am walking this tightrope of sanity and everystep I tremble and shake and need to either catch myself or fall. <BR> <BR> In the end I am just left wonde... Sun, 22 Jan 2012 05:53:05 EST Building a foundation I am still dealing with my biggest struggle- sleep. I have so many issues with getting to bed on time. I think partly it feels like I am going to miss something. Like I have all this time that I could be doing stuff and instead I am sleeping. But that makes zero sense since I end up then sleeping in and all that time I could be doing something useful lol <BR> <BR> I also have to deal with the issue of pets & husband. On the days my DH doesn't open he stays up late which encourages me to do t... Thu, 12 Jan 2012 21:44:56 EST Big WOW moment I haven't weighed in for quite a while (october) and ofcourse I was afraid of that mean scale lol but I actually am down a whole pound so yay! <BR> <BR> The funny thing is though that as I went around and updated my new weight on the sites I am on and my tickers, I noticed something just far too lovely. 22 lbs lost 44 more to go. (technically it is 21.2 &amp; 44.8 but the one site doesn't count the half pounds it rounds up lol) <BR> <BR> It hit me like a brick. Full stop. Big WOW moment. I ... Sun, 8 Jan 2012 15:49:47 EST Hello New Year A new year is here once again. I realize that I rarely look forward but instead pine for what was lost. I hate the new year, it just serves to remind me of so much wasted time. I haven't done well at all. I was being pretty good last fall until the entire DH cheating thing. It really broke me. I am still not great but I am going to be better. <BR> <BR> Not a whole lot has been going on. I walked alittle before and after christmas. But the weather got kindof yucky and now I have a nasty cold.... Thu, 5 Jan 2012 21:15:29 EST And So She Prays Ebb &amp; Flow~ My mood changes could give you whiplash. I feel alot better today is what I am trying to say. I talked to the DH and idk it made me feel better. He is trying. <BR> <BR> I am a witch. It is sometimes easy to forget that. Forget my spirituality. Forget what I believe and where I am coming from, what I am connected to. <BR> <BR> The Other day was Halloween. It is a major holiday in my religion. I did nothing. It is like not celebrating Christmas seems weird. I gave myself excus... Sun, 6 Nov 2011 13:53:18 EST