CAALAN23's SparkPeople Blog CAALAN23's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community A tale of two suits... So this month I've been doing things pretty much as we should according to Spark. Moving much, eating less, tracking and whatnot. <BR> <BR> The scale has not budged. Now, I'm not going to lie to y'all and say that I don't care about that. I do. It ticks me off a bit. Well, a lot actually. <BR> <BR> BUT... <BR> <BR> I'm not considering it failure on my part. Why? <BR> <BR> Because of my swimsuits. <BR> <BR> Now, for the truly brave and trendy people out there, I'm sure you have abso... Tue, 2 Jul 2013 14:36:26 EST Do It Anyway... So lately, my subconscious has been trying to undermine me. If you've kept up with past blogs, my life has been...well...weird...and hectic. I could feel my mind trying to wage war within. <BR> <BR> "Take it easy." <BR> <BR> "We have time for that later." <BR> <BR> "It's not something that HAS to be done now." <BR> <BR> "I can do a longer walk the next day." <BR> <BR>'s been trying really hard. I've been fighting back. <BR> Been alone this week due to work schedules but thi... Thu, 27 Jun 2013 15:02:18 EST Long Time No Blog! I can't believe I've gone this long without blogging. Tells you we've been rather busy huh? <BR> <BR> First...the little thing that is driving me NUTS! Skin rash. There is a saying that even the mightiest predators can be taken down my the smallest of creatures such as fleas and flies. I believe it. I have no idea if this is caused by bug bites or just hives but....*scratches* can definitely drive someone crazy. However, thanks to the blessing of an eczemic child, I have an amory... Tue, 25 Jun 2013 10:38:22 EST Bulletproof So...if you haven't seen the fleeting and random updates my past two weeks in bullets: <BR> <BR> * My husband asked to come back. Threw me for a loop. My anxiety went through the roof again. <BR> <BR> * Birthday - Felt stronger than I had in a few years. Still realized how much further I have to go physically but accepted that as I usually do. <BR> <BR> * Mom's house sold. She had moved in to help me. ANXIETY again! What to do now!? <BR> <BR> * Mom found another house, but we are... Tue, 4 Jun 2013 14:07:19 EST Watch out for that tree! So I woke up exhausted. My dreams? Ziplining! Never done it, but mother just got back from Hawaii and had tried it. My dreams were all about ziplining through wooded areas and trying to catch my son....who all I could hear was "WOOOOOHOOOOOHHOOOOOOOO!!" AND...AND...there was soundtrack. A couple of weeks ago my son's 7th grade band held their spring concert...the song? George, George, George of the Jungle...Watch out for that tree! Ha, now it will be stuck in y'alls heads. :P <BR> <... Thu, 23 May 2013 11:25:55 EST Mixed Bag O Nuts Life sure isn't slowing down for us. Mom's house is definitely sold. Gotta be cleared by June 15th. That doesn't give us much time and I'm sure there will be tears and sore muscles. <BR> <BR> I guess what I'll have to do is move all the stuff I accumulated for exiting spouse in the dining area into the garage and move any excess of mother's stuff into that dining area. I still have to shuffle stuff from garage to said ex-spouse to make room for stuff in laundry area that really needs to ... Wed, 22 May 2013 10:57:04 EST Realizations Yesterday, I went for my walk in the neighborhood hills and was planning on doing two loops of it. That would be nearly 4 miles. I did quite well on that first loop, made good time, enjoying the weather (although it was muggy and warm), enjoying everyone else good fortune at either having a green thumb or a yard man. Saw some beautiful birds. <BR> <BR> Just about a quarter way into the second loop my mind was unwinding and just tossing thoughts about of all the things that had happened in... Mon, 20 May 2013 10:29:54 EST It's Been One Wild Week Lots of things happening this week and it feels like a literal whirlwind. From car shopping to house selling to house clearing (People really should do a purge for charity every 3 years or so.) <BR> <BR> Mom's house should be sold. I say "should" because she was out of the continental US in Hawaii at the time. I was her voice in the deal and that was nerve wracking trying to track her down in the islands to haggle over price or fixtures. But it is worked out and what is left should be si... Sun, 19 May 2013 16:13:19 EST Kick in the Baggier Pants This is by no means a positive blog. But it is. I mean, that it is not full of unicorns eating snowcones and pooping rainbows, but it's flipping a switch. <BR> <BR> Not that I won't regress because I'm fickle as all get out, but I am trying to latch onto "future" things, not past. <BR> <BR> So for some random good things: <BR> <BR> Offers are coming in on mother's house. That will be less stress but a bit of sadness. We will try to focus on making vintage and traditional sleek meld int... Fri, 17 May 2013 11:57:09 EST Ain't No Mole Hill Today, my son and I had plans for Mother's Day to climb to the top of local mountain. It isn't a very vast mountain but it's a quick and nifty workout. Well, it was quick for him, LOL. It took me quite a while but I did do it. Gorgeous views once we got up there. <BR> <BR> There is a quite obvious trail and my son had never been there before and of COURSE he took off with enthusiasm and left me in the dust. He did not realize however that there are many MANY trails up that mountain and ... Sun, 12 May 2013 17:13:30 EST Random Thoughts Just wanted to jot down my thoughts which are at the moment like flying squirrels. If my dog could actually see them as I pictured it...he'd be SOOO happy. <BR> <BR> Anyway, self, I wanted to congratulate you for getting through your first few nights alone and being productive. Maybe you weren't as productive as you would have liked but you needed the rest too, so get over it. <BR> <BR> I actually got a strength session in. I am hyper critical of my weakness in this area and it intimidat... Sat, 11 May 2013 15:21:06 EST Mountains: Emotional and Physical So last night I conquered my first night of being alone. Now, I've been alone before mind you, between the ex working nights and my kid going on sleepovers but this was my first one where I knew it was just me. Well, I did have my dog, and that was nice. <BR> <BR> I made sure not to wallow. I jacked up the stereo and later got on the treadmill. Watched the Voice while doing intervals for 75 minutes (got steamed at Adam for letting go one of my faves.) <BR> <BR> Had a small dinner while ... Fri, 10 May 2013 09:56:47 EST Pressure Thank you to all the Spark Warriors out there who commented on my blog yesterday. Each one of you showed the capacity humans have for grace and compassion. Most people don't think of those characteristics as weaponry, but truly, when it comes down to it those are the weapons needed the most. It is sadness, depression, and other unruly emotions that do the most damage in the world and they are not fought any other way than with kindness, empathy, grace, and compassion. So yes, you are all ... Thu, 9 May 2013 15:28:55 EST May Goals Even though I am not on pace with my track line for my longer term goal, I felt confident in my accomplishments in April. With every thing that is going on, I think I'm doing fine. I've lost 5 pounds since restarting Spark. I've actually lost about 15 total but never reset my higher weight in Spark. My clothes are ridiculously loose and I'll be able to "shop from my closet" very soon. <BR> <BR> Mostly in April I was focusing on exercising 5 times a week and trying to check in with Spark ... Thu, 2 May 2013 13:58:04 EST Breathe Deep or Snort if you will... So today I did one of my least favorite things. Actually, it was one of my least favorite things at its worst level. I hate going to the dentist. Hate It. Today, was endodontist for root canal. This time, I went ahead and got the nitrous since I tend to get nervous but work through it but with everthing else that is going on...I said what the heck. Last free ride on someone else's dental anyway right? <BR> <BR> What a difference that makes. Just wow. <BR> <BR> The thing is ... the ... Tue, 30 Apr 2013 16:13:35 EST Serenity Now!!! Right now!!!.... This was the first weekend without my son due to the divorce and it was rough for me. I kept busy. I cleaned like a madwoman...have a house appraisal scheduled for today and there was so much I needed to get done just for the man to actually be able to "see" the house. <BR> <BR> Yard looks pristine. House was gleaming. I felt like crap. <BR> <BR> I ate poorly due to the demanding pace I kept...mostly carbs. Did not necessarily work out but again...heavy duty cleaning. Plus the house w... Mon, 29 Apr 2013 12:00:42 EST Action Steps I like that phrase. Action steps. I'm on the Spark Coach thingamajig and they use that a lot. <BR> <BR> So my action step for today was to find motivation outside the scale and circumference of my waist line. <BR> <BR> Motivation without math. ALWAYS a good thing, yes? <BR> <BR> Anyhoo, the biggest thing I've noticed this time is my skin. Now, if you knew me well from a prior stint on Spark, you'll know I was a HUGE tea drinker. Not bad for you, but it kept me from drinking my water. ... Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:13:26 EST Learning by giving So I just commented on someone's blog that I was holding on to what I knew instead of what was right. That I had pushed people away or hurt them in doing so.'s amazing when my epiphanies come out of my face while giving to others. It's like a triple score in scrabble. <BR> <BR> My heart is doing that. Holding on to what it knows. Seriously, from what I learned about love growing up, to what I learned about love in a failing marriage. No one likes to leave the "comfort" zone,... Tue, 23 Apr 2013 10:09:28 EST Unburdened A change is gonna come. Oh, well, yeah, I know...divorce...refinance...mother moving in...yadda yadda yadda. Whatevs. <BR> <BR> That is nothing, people. <BR> <BR> I mean, I've come to a place of realization that all of that just does not matter. I mean, it does in the sense that I have to deal with it and it will be hard. But that last couple of weeks of grace and then a couple more of "forgiveness" and I am starting to get it. <BR> <BR> I am starting to see and feel who I am. Every... Fri, 19 Apr 2013 13:13:12 EST We go on In the wake of the tragedy in Boston, my troubles seem so trivial. I pray for peace for those affected directly or otherwise. It was a hit to a community that promotes healthy, whole, and just goodness. What to do after something like that? <BR> <BR> We go on. We keep running, walking, bonding, talking, sharing, and caring. Because if we stop they win. <BR> <BR> In my journey to recovery, I have felt the setbacks, the niggling voice in my own head that attacks. I had not recognized it... Tue, 16 Apr 2013 09:45:50 EST Embracing Grace...if the Grinch can do can I. So, if you've been following along, you know there's a divorce in the midst and that I'd had a really rough couple of days....weeks...just...yeah. <BR> <BR> You may even know that I've been in counseling. It's faith based, which while not new to me, has been on the backburner for YEARS. So my past week or so I've supposed to have been embracing grace. <BR> <BR> I knew what grace was. I've seen it in people and even on Spark in the last week, but the purpose was to embrace it and what tha... Thu, 11 Apr 2013 10:02:45 EST Rough Night Had a very rough night last night. <BR> <BR> It all started with my mother. Bless her, she's trying to help, we organized the kitchen some more. Cleaned out more cabinets, relined and she made suggestions to move things around. <BR> <BR> Then I attempted to make dinner and couldn't find a damn thing. I know looking back on it, it's kind of funny. I probably looked like I was dancing while cooking but inside I was just spinning like a top. <BR> <BR> Then on top of that, I keep finding... Wed, 10 Apr 2013 10:22:05 EST Clearing Out This weekend I stayed busy. Had to. I'll go crazy otherwise. Sessions with counselors are enlightening but they also bring all that dirt to the forefront of your brain. Things I'm going to have to face have left me speechless in fear. <BR> <BR> So you guess it. I cleaned. Now when I say cleaned I do not mean picking up stray socks, dog toys, and magazines. I mean C-L-E-A-N. <BR> <BR> I gutted my garage, built wire shelving, boxed up all his clothes and whatnot and set it on those s... Mon, 8 Apr 2013 10:16:46 EST Random Blogging...*waves arms* So last night I will admit to avoidance. Sort of. I had my counseling session in the evening after work and after I fixed a meal and cleaned up, I literally crawled into my bed and passed out. I realized that is when I snack...big time...after a counseling session and I've had this "Ah HA" moment and feel release...I EAT. I know it's because it's that is. I just need to redirect that. I mentioned in my status that I paint. I just started that actually, so I'll try... Fri, 5 Apr 2013 10:02:45 EST I probably should be flailing... but...I'm not flailing. Sure I have really rough moments. Really rough. And after the trip to the dentist and the quote of a small foreign car to fix my face, I should be flailing on the ground. I'm not. <BR> <BR> Just like in my status, I just look at this like the Plan. I've got a plan for the divorce, my child, my health, dental included, and for once it feels good to not fit it in to someone else's plan. And it may be Plan B, E, Q, or whatever, but it's mine. <BR> <BR> I had such... Wed, 3 Apr 2013 11:08:54 EST It's all in the hips. Yeah, there is a fat joke in there somewhere...but...let's not. <BR> <BR> Seriously, since I've picked up the pace in my powerwalks, my hip is screaming by nightfall. To the point that my house smells like old lady ointment and Advil is my Easter candy. <BR> <BR> I've got to purchase a foam roller and really start a stretch routine. Good gracious, it's hard to get in all these "types" of exercise. Today will be strength training since it's raining. I do have a treadmill but I think my h... Tue, 2 Apr 2013 09:47:05 EST Into the Fire Between the dreams I am having that are constant reminders of what I've lost, the constant tension I seem to have with my son at the moment, and the fact that I'm trying to instill new habits in all of us now I am going it alone. <BR> <BR> Had a blow out with my child over sending him to school. He has missed so much already and he always seems to want to stay home. I understand it. My brain does understand it. I know how he feels as I've lived through it myself at his age. Doesn't chan... Fri, 29 Mar 2013 10:08:05 EST I Can Do This So, yesterday showed me how tough this being a single mom is going to be. Had to get up a 5 a.m. to help tween with homework he was just too exhausted to finish the night before. Worked a full day, dealt with soon to be ex over minute crap in rush hour traffic, over stuff I’d already discussed and he’d forgotten (ugh. That won’t happen again.) Rush home to get kid, hurry to salon for unexpected but much needed shearing of kid, then rush down the road to pool for his practice. While he is... Wed, 27 Mar 2013 14:18:53 EST Well that was Prophetic... Prior blog entry, yes it was in 2011, was prophetic. Divorce happened. Just two weeks ago, was taken for a car ride like a dog and told I was not wanted. <BR> <BR> Handled that with enough tears to solve drought, if salty water was any good for drought. <BR> <BR> Still have rough moments and I'll probably delve more into that in blogs later, but for now, I have to move forward. I was told in no uncertain terms that my lifestyle was not conducive to raising a child. Believe me... Mon, 25 Mar 2013 11:45:52 EST It's a conspiracy. ***Warning*** <BR> This blog is for me. It is venting, and it is whiney but flavored with sarcasm. Yum! <BR> *** <BR> <BR> So I know it's not likely that I get my walk in during a Payroll Monday at work. Too much stuff happens and I just am practically chained to the desk putting out fires. <BR> <BR> BUT...I figured I had most of my chores done Sunday, I could just jump in my clothes and be ready to come home and walk the pooch after dropping off the kid at the pool. <BR> <BR> I drop th... Mon, 3 Oct 2011 22:51:34 EST Shallow Girl I'm getting this in under the wire for my Fierce Fabulous Unstoppable Spark Warrior team. We are to write of our shallow goals for losing weight / getting fit instead of our noble ones. <BR> <BR> 1. Because seriously, what woman doesn't want a whole new wardrobe, right? Even better is it is justifiable by necessity. Awesomesauce! <BR> <BR> 2. Boy-shorts. I want. <BR> <BR> 3. I want to look good in flats, not like a woman who has flattened her shoes. <BR> <BR> 4. I want shoulders s... Mon, 26 Sep 2011 10:42:49 EST Ramble ramble ramble So, the standoff with the kiddo has ended. I could tell he was so uncomfortable with my silence. He would ramble about how cool fog looked and the traffic looked like it was backing up. Big clue...when an 11yo is lookin and commenting on traffic he has come to a wall and doesn't know what to do. <BR> <BR> I asked him if he felt any regret. BAM! He started talking about how he was sorry but the words would get stuck. This is the second time he has done this. This is hereditary. Not on... Thu, 22 Sep 2011 15:48:11 EST Venting Have you ever fallen down so fast and hard that you had absolutely no chance of catching yourself before hitting the ground and seeing stars? <BR> <BR> No, I haven’t injured myself. I did not fall. But that is the only thing I can compare to the heart hurt I received last night and this morning. <BR> <BR> I’ve been warned that the years between 11 and 16 are just different views of hell from year to year with teens and even with that warning, I was not prepared for the viciousness that po... Tue, 20 Sep 2011 13:44:15 EST Holly Be Gone So we spent a solid day this weekend with a revamp of the front yard and beds. The massive E-Veel holly bush is down. *dances* <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> It was so mad about being cut down that it promptly sucked my child into a nasty bike wreck. He has a lovely bruise on his thigh to remember it by. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> You can see just over the bike where th... Mon, 19 Sep 2011 12:18:34 EST Fresh Starts...a great motivator Hubby is on vacation this week and decided to get a jump on some house projects. He decided to paint the front bedroom. After a few mishaps with samples, (Oy, one was sooooo pink) we finally hit on a color we could agree on. This is a room we both spend time in because it houses the treadmill and weight equipment. <BR> <BR> So after getting the color decided he went to town painting while I did all the schedule running, (school, practice, dinner, homework...yadda yadda yadda.) The room ... Wed, 14 Sep 2011 12:41:58 EST *SiGh* Seems Life is paying attention but not respect. After blogging about beating down resentment <BR> <BR> <link><BR>urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=4471774 </link> <BR> <BR> Today I woke up with a massive migraine, mucus and a missing cellphone. (No, it's not in my nose causing the migraine either. :P ) Okay, the cellphone is my fault but I do resent being so dang sensitive to airborn crap. :P Went for a BEAUTIFUL walk last night and dearly paid for i... Thu, 8 Sep 2011 13:43:01 EST Resentment - Food Challenge FFUSW So, here I am, posting my weekly blog challenge for the Fierce, Fabulous, Unstoppable, Spark Warriors. Awesome team, come and join. /end shameless plug <BR> <BR> This week’s challenge is to name my weakness food and ponder what I can do to control it. On the flipside, name my fave healthy food and a healthy food I cannot stand. So…yeah, we’re blogging about nosh. Here we go: <BR> <BR> Oh, when I started thinking on this, my mind was jumping from one thing to another. Ice cream, chips... Wed, 7 Sep 2011 14:41:19 EST Smackdown So, yeah, Life has been a bitter sarcastic jilted woman lately. You know how that is right? Day after day of little things piling up. Money draining school supplies, mid price repairs on vehicles, errors by medical staff that just cause woe to my schedule and Boo's. Minor but building annoyances in day to day marital life. Makes ya want to find a hidey hole. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Well, that won't get me anywhere will it?... Wed, 7 Sep 2011 12:18:32 EST The Claws Are Out. Life has been needling me. Nothing major. A whole lot of little things. <BR> <BR> I mentioned the car door breaking just outside of warranty in an earlier blog. Said repair is over $400. <BR> <BR> Body decided to throw me a curve ball and give me a minor health concern that stopped workouts and pretty much major movement in its tracks. <BR> <BR> Schedule decided to blow up. Just when I thought we were handling things pretty well, people I normally rely on are on vacay, problems surface... Wed, 31 Aug 2011 22:23:13 EST So you think you know me... 1. Were you named after anyone? <BR> Nope. <BR> <BR> 2. When was the last time you cried? <BR> Phhhssst. I cry all the time, just yesterday the email showing the young boy receiving his father’s flag at his military funeral. As for bawled? Been a while. <BR> <BR> 3. Do you like your handwriting? <BR> Never thought about it. I suppose so. <BR> <BR> 4. What is your favorite lunch meat? <BR> Oven-roasted chicken <BR> <BR> 5. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?... Fri, 26 Aug 2011 11:32:51 EST Back to work! This past week has apparently been the real vacation from Spark that I THOUGHT I would have while on vacation in FL. Make sense? LOL, well it does to me if I squint just right. <BR> <BR> It's been crazy busy with the start of the school year and new times for swim practice. Plus, my body decided to throw me a curve and give me some hellish allergies. So I took a mini-Spark-vacay. I was decent on food consumption as far as calories (but not as far as sugar) but not so good about "real" e... Tue, 23 Aug 2011 12:53:18 EST Fave Non Scale Victory So Far - Blog Challenge FFUSW Blog challenge for the team this week was to blather about my fave Non Scale Victory (NSV) so far. Or one I'm looking forward to. <BR> <BR> I'll preface this by saying that one of my major stressors in losing weight has been the time factor. When you are working full time and are the primary care-giver in the family, it can be incredibly difficult to carve out time to work out. A hellish amount of resentment built inside of me whenever another chore had to be added or my husband went to t... Tue, 9 Aug 2011 17:09:42 EST I Got This. Mini-vacay pics and mini breakthrough So I've been on vacation ( a small one) in Destin last week. No big news there, lots of people do that right? It was a small source of stress to me because the last time I went on vacation it was all part and parcel of the spiral o' doom of 2010. I stressed because I didn't want a repeat of that. I knew the vacation itself wasn't the REASON last time but the surroundings of "live're on vacation!" did not help at all. <BR> <BR> I returned victorious. Not one pound gained. I di... Tue, 9 Aug 2011 10:30:08 EST We All Start As Winners (Body Love Challenge) From that first moment when that "little swimmer" found the prize and punched his way in to be a zygote...we all started as winners. <BR> <BR> Then life plods on, maybe we are a little geeky, a little nerdy, a little too girly or maybe not enough. We get bullied or do some bullying. <BR> <BR> We enter adulthood, go to school, find some stress, get a relationship, possibly marriage, hand-picked THAT stress, maybe squeeze out a few babies and keep all that stress as poundage or emotional bag... Thu, 28 Jul 2011 23:07:30 EST I can almost feel the Vacay Boo finished summer rec with Meet of Champs today. It was a loooong day. Just got home; it's nearly 7:00 pm. I worked the awards, which is not as taxing on the body but can be hella crazy with all the revisions and revisions to revisions. <BR> <BR> Boo dropped time in all but butterfly, his best stroke. He's taken up a not so bad habit to have of taking in water because he is flying to low to the surface, then he can't finish hard cause...well, kind of tough to breathe and drink. Coache... Sat, 23 Jul 2011 20:08:21 EST This Blog is Shallow Yep. Might be total fluff. Shallow blog. Why? Because it's Friday! <BR> <BR> <em>236</em> <BR> <BR> So let's think shallow thoughts. *waggles eyebrows* <BR> <BR> When I got out of the shower this morning and doing the routine, I noticed how toned my calves were, and smoooth and shiny. Yay for miles of walking and hydration! <BR> <BR> <em>91</em> <em>311</em> <BR> <BR> There were also a couple of collarbones just making their appearance. Yay for ST! <BR> <BR> <em>320</em> ... Fri, 22 Jul 2011 10:45:03 EST Big Secret Tip...Sssshhhh Y'all ready? Sure you want to hear it? It's so simple and requires absolutely no effort. No lie. <BR> <BR> It's also all emcompassing. Everything from emotional distress to eating to exercise. Won't even cost you three easy installments of $19.95 plus 30 bucks Shipping and Handling. Nope. Not a penny. <BR> <BR> No effort. No cost. <BR> <BR> So what is it you ask as you're about to throttle me? <BR> <BR> Okay here it is: <BR> <BR> <em>56</em> "Give it a Minute" <BR> <BR> No re... Thu, 21 Jul 2011 10:32:40 EST This Space Intentionally Left Blank I love that phrase. Reminds me of meditation or visualization. Start with nothing and then...GO. <BR> <BR> So this space is blank, feel free to zone out a moment. Think of sunflowers, who you want to be in the next phase of your life, the shapes of clouds, your mental motivational movie (what, you don't have one??? Make one now! Starring you of course.) <BR> <BR> Go for it. <BR> <BR> Wed, 20 Jul 2011 16:34:30 EST Message in a Bottle I wish I could take this feeling, I guess it’s nearing the end of the second month of Seriouz Biznezz of Sparking, this feeling of happiness, contentment, and confidence and bottle it. <BR> <BR> Then I would take this bottle and give it to those just starting out. Those that are discouraged by the initial mountain of numbers to overcome. Those that are feeling the body aches of the legs, arms, hips, joints being asked to move when…well they haven’t before. Those that are reading the accom... Tue, 19 Jul 2011 10:14:39 EST Maybe that mood weighed 3 pounds?? Got a shock on the scale this morning. Down 3 pounds??? Believe me, I triple checked that number. I never lose that much in a short span of time. Ever. Hey, I'll take it! <BR> <BR> Even before getting on the scale, I could tell I was better rested and that improved the mood I'd been in drastically. All weekend, I felt either put-out or just drained. I made sure to add an hour to my sleep time and boy, I can feel it. I don't always get that luxury. The next couple of weekends it coul... Mon, 18 Jul 2011 12:13:04 EST