BLONDEDOG's SparkPeople Blog BLONDEDOG's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Not such a goodish day... I'm a mess today. Crying again. Ooooh.....I hate this so much. It is so miserable and I'm mad as hell. My friend says "fake it till you make it" but it just isn't working today. <BR> <BR> Today is his birthday. It's the first birthday in 15 years I have spent with him....mine or his. 30 birthdays together....gone like yesterdays trash. Wed, 30 Sep 2015 15:57:11 EST Today is a goodish day... I did my hair, and put makeup up. That's something. I didn't wake up crying. That's something. I woke up with a bit of clarity. One, that I have put him on a pedestal and I need to take him off. Two, that each time he says the words "I want to help you move on" or "if it will help you" or "if you think you need it", what he is really doing is looking for a way to assuage his guilt. Third, that it's been a long time since he has truly shown he cared about me, as far as spending quality ... Tue, 29 Sep 2015 11:27:57 EST Sadder than I ever knew I could be... I went to the therapist and I suppose it helped for a minute, but this afternoon has been a disaster. I do not know how to deal with this. I am starting to give up on the idea of a reconciliation. He is completely opposed to it and I can't force it. He seems to truly have no feelings for me whatsoever. It isn't easy to accept, but I don't think I have much choice. He really seems done with us forever. It's so hard to admit that. Mon, 28 Sep 2015 15:49:42 EST Restoration... Something I heard today resonated with me. Reconciling is building the bridge, but the bridge still needs to be restored. That is my new outlook on this devastating time in my life. I am working on WANTING my husband by my side, not NEEDING him by my side. I am working on admitting my short comings, while also not placing blame squarely on my shoulders. I am not going to focus on his short comings because I can't fix those. I am not going to ask the why's from him. If he wishes to shar... Fri, 25 Sep 2015 09:06:49 EST Crushed... I'm sorry folks. It's gonna be a while before I have anything positive to write about. My whole world is crashing down. My husband is the love of my life. We've been together for 15 years, I was prepared to grow old with him. I know people go through this and they persevere, but it's so hard to remember that right now. He is absolute in his desire to not try to reconcile. Today I have reached a point where I just want to give in and give up. I really want him to be happy, and if that ... Thu, 24 Sep 2015 08:54:07 EST Devestating news... My husband left me. Just said he didn't love me anymore and if he stayed it would kill him. Having a very hard time coping with this. I have made an appointment with a counselor for Monday morning. After that I will see about family counseling for me and my son. John is not interested in doing marital counseling and I won't force him. My heart feels as though it is breaking in two. Wed, 23 Sep 2015 13:28:10 EST Blogging... is everything. It really is. I "forget" to live healthy when I'm not blogging on a daily basis. I'm so glad this particular media is available to me. Even if I complain a bit about the ads. The ads have encroached on my experience here and that is bothersome. I need this though so I have no choice but to overlook it. <BR> <BR> Anyway, it's been a day or two since I've blogged. I'm not going to lie, I haven't been living very healthy. I use life to make excuses for myself. I will say... Mon, 14 Sep 2015 09:49:51 EST A jog with my dog... Yep, wogging with my doggy. I love it. Makes it so much more fun. She is an excellent companion and running partner. Last night we went out and I did 60 counts wogging to 100 counts fast walking. Just one mile. My initial goal is to get to 100/100, then start decreasing the amount of walking until I can eventually "wog" the whole mile. Add that to having my bike rack and I have lots of exciting things happening right now. The best part is having my family involved. <BR> <BR> I hope... Wed, 2 Sep 2015 09:36:10 EST Eeek! My husband is fantastic! Yesterday he went a bought a bike rack for us! YAY! I wish I could call off work to go on a bike ride. That will make things significantly easier. <BR> <BR> We went on a bike ride just around our neighborhood yesterday which is flatter and good for me to build up some endurance. It amazes me how hard it is for me. I used to ride my stationary bike for 45 minutes at 18 to 21 miles an hour. Of course I haven't done that in years. Definitely need to get some of ... Tue, 1 Sep 2015 09:33:02 EST Hello Monday! Well, I didn't have the best weekend, but it wasn't horrible. I did get to go on a bike ride with my family that was quite lovely. There was a big hill that I had to push my bike I was the only one who couldn't make it. My SEVEN year old son made it and he doesn't have any gears on his bike. I could let this get me down, but I choose not to. In fact, I think it's fantastic, it gives me a goal to work towards. Now if I can just convince my family to keep going with me till I ... Mon, 31 Aug 2015 09:11:55 EST Do.not.even.ask. Please don't. Yesterday was not a good day. Not diet wise, no exercise wise. Just don't ask. For real. The key will be bouncing back today and not letting one rotten day turn into 7 rotten days. <BR> <BR> Tomorrow I will let you know how today went. If today goes well then yesterday will effectively be erased. This has been my problem in the recent bad day to rule them all. <BR> <BR> Keep me in your thoughts today. <BR> <BR> MAY I BE STRONG WILLED AND OVERCOME MY T... Thu, 27 Aug 2015 08:58:20 EST I would love... To tell you I was perfect yesterday, but I wasn't. <BR> <BR> To say that I am at my goal weight, but I'm not. <BR> <BR> To say I'm not addicted to food, but I am. <BR> <BR> To say I'm not lazy, but I am. <BR> <BR> To say that regardless of all these things I was successful yesterday. I was. <BR> <BR> I am proud of myself. Yesterday wasn't perfect, but it was an improvement. I am so excited to continue towards better health. <BR> <BR> Join me in patting yourself and each other on th... Wed, 26 Aug 2015 08:27:52 EST I know you The bell rings in the distance <BR> Forcing me to come alive <BR> Forcing my raw nerves to the front <BR> Each ring peels another layer of skin <BR> From my already seeping body <BR> Blood flows freely from each <BR> Bell inflicted wound <BR> My head throbs as the blood leaves my body <BR> Death is on my doorstep <BR> Not knocking, nothing so polite <BR> Kicking the door down <BR> Making itself heard <BR> There is no room for my arguments <BR> It will take me before the night is through <BR> ... Tue, 25 Aug 2015 11:47:59 EST What did I do right? Well I'm glad you asked. I would love to tell you what I finally managed to do right yesterday. <BR> <BR> 1. I brought an extra healthy snack to work for the afternoon because I'm always starving by the time I get home and start snacking before super is ready. Yes! <BR> <BR> 2. I drank all my needed water for the day before I left work. I worked it into my routine....I take a sip between every person I call, or every date I log, etc. Yes! <BR> <BR> 3. I ate a healthy lunch, pretty c... Tue, 25 Aug 2015 08:17:41 EST Weight is up, but... I'm staying positive. I'm going to revamp my routine a bit starting tonight. It has worked well in the past for getting me back into the habit of working out. It's pretty simple soon as the kiddo is in bed I need to hop on the bike. That's it. Easy peasy. I can definitely do that. And how rewarding it will be to finally sit down on the couch and relax. I feel pretty confident that I can do this one minor little thing. I'm not gonna worry about my diet as much this week, ... Mon, 24 Aug 2015 08:32:30 EST 3 steps forward... 2 steps back. We've heard it AND said it a thousand times, but man is it the truth. I'm working, I'm working the minimum at it. Let me just take a minute and be honest about that. I like to tell myself I'm working hard at this thing called life, but I'm not. There's so much more I can do. For instance, last night I just let myself skip my workout. For absolutely NO reason what-so-ever. I just sat there on the couch with my husband watching a movie and being lazy. We're get... Fri, 21 Aug 2015 08:34:13 EST Rough day... I'm have a rough day today. I don't know why. I'm emotional for some reason. Yesterday was mostly a wreck, nothing went right. I did manage to get in 15 minutes on the bike and that felt good, but that was just about it, other than the time I spent with my kiddo which is almost always awesome. This morning I just can't seem to get my act together. I'm sitting at work feeling like I'm going to dissolve into tears any second. I want to just go home and have a good cry, get it out of my s... Wed, 12 Aug 2015 10:05:11 EST Managing.... Okay, so I've been posting pretty heavy stuff lately. I think all of that was sort of holding me back and I needed to get it out there, be honest about it. It's hard to do that because I am so ashamed of it, but it happened and I can't go back and change it. I CAN move forward. <BR> <BR> So, moving on to a lighter subject. <BR> <BR> I managed to go to the fair last night and not eat like a little piggy....thank goodness it was this week and not last week because that would have been a di... Tue, 11 Aug 2015 08:59:46 EST Finale... So, Friday I left off having had my son and weighing quite a bit less than I did pre-pregnancy. So, what happened next? <BR> <BR> I pumped for 12 months, so for 12 months I kept right on eating healthy. I lost 30 pounds without even trying. It melted off. By this time, I knew I could do it. It wasn't a matter of if, but WHEN. I stopped pumping, but I kept right on eating healthy. But I was stuck. I needed another change. So I added in cardio. But I struggled to stick with it. A fr... Mon, 10 Aug 2015 08:59:24 EST How I got to be thick....part 2 So yesterday we left off with me continuing to gain weight after stopping my weight gain causing seizure medicine. <BR> <BR> Here's the thing. By that time I was a young, happily married, very unhealthy woman. But I was missing something in my life. A baby. I wanted one so bad. So, when I was 5 years seizure free we started trying to conceive. Two years later I finally admitted that we needed help. The first thing they said was that I need to lose weight. Mind you, my primary care do... Fri, 7 Aug 2015 09:30:05 EST How I got to be...ahem...thick So, it is so frustrating to do so well and then backslide. Some of you may know my story, some may not. <BR> <BR> My weight problems began...I think....around my senior year of high school. I had always maintained a healthy weight simply by being active, BUT I never learned to exercise specifically for health reasons....I was just active because the sport/activity was available to me and I enjoyed it. It's the same old story after school that a lot of people more organized acti... Thu, 6 Aug 2015 09:43:47 EST Day 3 of my reboot... Exercise = <BR> <BR> much better. Yesterday I added in 22 minutes of walking. I did one less minute on the bike, but I stepped up my speed and did the same distance in less time. I also added in a 30 second plank. <BR> <BR> Today's goal: Walk one mile and do 10 minutes on the bike doing a plank every 3 minutes for as long as I can hold it. <BR> <BR> Food = <BR> <BR> Eh. Not so great. I have a pretty good idea of why that is and hopefully that will pass. I did fix a healthy lunch... Wed, 5 Aug 2015 09:26:20 EST Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday It is Tuesday and the second day of my reboot. Yesterday was OK. I ate more than I would like, but still it was an improvement over the day before. I exercised a minimal amount, but I did it. It's a start. I am trying to get back into the habit of logging my workouts again and blogging every morning. Blogging helps me more than just about anything. Anyone who knows me knows that I have said that many times in the past. <BR> <BR> Another area for concern is my house.....I hate a mess... Tue, 4 Aug 2015 13:46:56 EST Good morning, good August Hello friends. It's been a while, I know. I'm not going to lie, I haven't been doing great. I never do when I stop blogging. I have managed not to go back over 200 and I suppose that's something to be happy about. But you know what? This is a new month and I'm going to buckle down and try to get my eating under control and exercise regularly again. I have been so sick the past week and I know without a doubt that if I was still exercise regularly and eating healthy that I may not have ... Mon, 3 Aug 2015 08:41:27 EST Trying... To use this website from my computer is the most frustrating experience. The ads have gotten so bad it's practically not worth using anymore. And unfortunately the app leaves a bit to be desired. I'm here, but struggling to make Sparkpeople work for me anymore. Hope all of my friends are doing well. Mon, 27 Jul 2015 09:55:21 EST Hello friends... I'm still around, though not doing as well as I could be. I am recommitting today. I started by being honest with my weight. I have gained just over 5 pounds since I last logged my weight. Honestly, I expected it to be worse. I can handle 5 pounds. I've been on vacation the past week and not eating very well or exercising was pretty bad most days. No worries though, I'm way past the time when I would just give up on myself. I know I can do this and I know it doesn't ma... Mon, 13 Jul 2015 08:40:19 EST Stepping up... I absolutely must step up. It isn't always easy. Especially right now because I am SO busy. I am away from home at least 9 hours a day 5 days of the week. Sometimes by the time I get to a point that I can exercise (and I cannot do it in the morning....I tried and failed miserably) there's no time left in the day and I'm about to fall over. To top it off my back has been hurting for some reason this week. Yesterday was a crusty day....I laid on the couch on the heating pad two different ... Wed, 24 Jun 2015 09:33:25 EST Trying... Good morning. So, most of you know I've been struggling a bit. This is part of my attempt to regain control over my body. I feel so many negatives from letting my health slide. But right now I'm going to talk about a positive of getting back to working out. My energy level. It is finally starting to improve. All last week I ate veggie stew for my was so yummy and I think really gave me a lot of the vitamins and such that my diet has truly been lacking. Also I have met one ... Tue, 23 Jun 2015 08:09:41 EST Hola friends... A goal. One that will help me get back on track more than anything else. One Spark blog per day. It doesn't matter what time of day, it doesn't matter how many words, only that I do it. That I make it happen. This outlet works so well for me and I KNOW it. I must get back to it. I'm amazed at how many of you have stuck with me and I know I am so very lucky to have you in my life. <BR> <BR> So today my goal is to ride my bike for 27 minutes BEFORE I sit down on the couch. I cannot sit... Mon, 22 Jun 2015 12:34:09 EST Good morning! Well the sun is definitely not shining here today but I'm doing my best to bring my own shine to the party. I've been missing in action for a while, I know. All is not lost. I am exercising more, though still not where I want to be. My eating habits.....well.....let's just say they aren't spectacular. I am currently working on making small changes....things that I know work. <BR> <BR> 1. Water. I need more of it so I have a rule that I have to drink 32 oz of water BEFORE I have my m... Fri, 19 Jun 2015 09:12:05 EST I'm here.... I swear I am. I will do my very best to drop in tomorrow for a better blog. I just wanted to let you know I'm hanging in there. Diet is crap, exercise is improving. I'm working on the diet, but not very hard. I am making small changes and that is helpful. Take care, I hope you are doing amazing! Thu, 18 Jun 2015 22:04:48 EST Well... I'm here. It's been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me, but I'm hanging in. I was reluctant to put this out there, but at this point there's no real reason in keeping it quiet any longer. My husband and I decided to try for a second child. I'm getting up there in age and so it needed to happen sooner rather than later. I have a medical condition that requires me to take medication to get pregnant. Unfortunately during the 4th round of it (it only took 2 rounds with my first kidd... Wed, 10 Jun 2015 08:23:02 EST Gaining... So, something that MANY of us are familiar with here....gaining weight when you first get started. poor husband has gained two pounds and is getting might frustrated. Last time he lost weight all he had to do was cut out regular soda....well he isn't finding it as easy this time. I hate watching him go through it and I keep waiting for him to give up. I've tried to encourage him to find out how many calories he should be eating and even to join Sparkpeople with no luck yet. It... Thu, 28 May 2015 09:49:36 EST Hangin... We are hangin in there. Things are crazy right now with my hubby being in a play he's gone a lot....I cannot wait until it is over. BUT him being on bored with working out is helping me stay motivated. Yay! The only problem is that he keeps gaining weight and so he's getting frustrated. I am hoping he can stick with it long enough to start dropping pounds. I definitely sympathize with him. I am proud of him though. And Gibson has been working out with us as well. I have a picture of... Wed, 27 May 2015 08:44:52 EST wogging with the family... So, we've been out 3 days in a row now. We managed a full mile yesterday and Gibson (my 7 year old son) did really really well. It helped having Daddy out there and ahead of us because he really wanted to catch up to him. I am having a bit of an issue with my knee, it really doesn't tolerate this well. My knee brace broke and I had to buy a new one and unfortunately it is just too small for my fat leg and I haven't been able to find a bigger one. I can fasten it, but it doesn't stay in p... Fri, 22 May 2015 08:41:06 EST So far so good... It's just a two day streak, but I'll take it. Especially because that goes for my husband as well....he was very busy yesterday and couldn't go wogging with us, but he did get on the bike before we went to bed. So very proud of him. I only "ran" for 10 minutes yesterday instead of the 15 from the day before but that is because I did it 5 minutes faster. So now I'm going to work on increasing my distance. And running with a 7 year old requires a lot of patience...I am going to have to reth... Thu, 21 May 2015 08:24:22 EST Changes are happening... So, we did it. We went out and purchased running shoes for all three of us. When we got back we went for a short walk/jogging session. My hubby wasn't completely prepared as he still needed some workout clothes so he didn't give it much effort, however, immediately after finishing up our walk he went out and got him some gear AND when he got back he rode the bike for 15 minutes. I am SO proud of him. Now if I can just figure out how to get him to eat fruits and veggies. <BR> <BR> So,... Wed, 20 May 2015 08:18:49 EST Excited... My husband has decided he would like to lose some weight. What does this mean for me? It means REAL support from him. I am so excited over what this could mean. Yay! We decided last night that as a family will we go purchase running shoes this week and then we will start getting exercise TOGETHER. I absolutely cannot wait. He does not want to do workout videos (I think he thinks of them as a girl thing) and in the past he hasn't wanted to run with us because "we'll slow him down", but ... Tue, 19 May 2015 10:01:24 EST Progress....please. Nope. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. <BR> <BR> Seriously. <BR> <BR> And why? Because I am LAME. I get side tracked so easily. I have yet to get truly serious about this. I half ass it, knowing that nothing is going to change. <BR> <BR> I know my flaws, I know my weaknesses. I know how to overcome them and what's more? I know I can overcome them because I have in the past. I just cannot make myself be serious. <BR> <BR> So, in all honesty I will tell you what is going to h... Mon, 18 May 2015 08:29:01 EST Happy Day! It is Friday, what's not to be happy about??? I am determined to have a great day followed by a productive weekend. Although, I am finding it a bit difficult at the moment to keep my eyelids open and it's only 8:30 in the morning. I may be in trouble. I know what I need. I need an amazing workout to put a little pep in my step. I have a HIIT session planned for this evening and I am looking forward to it. I have let my exercise program go by the wayside the past few days. I was worrie... Fri, 15 May 2015 08:32:52 EST Thank you..... A very sincere thank you. My friends situation weighs so heavily on me right now and to log in to read your kind words on yesterdays blog helps more than you know. <BR> <BR> On to other things. I got more sleep last night than I have all week, nearly 7 full hours, and yet I woke up feeling very very sleepy. Still feeling that. How strange is that? And I was seeing trails on everything this morning. It's hard to explain.....sort of like motion blur like if you move your hand really fast... Thu, 14 May 2015 08:32:06 EST So last night... I had every intention of doing my workout last night, I really did. And then I got a call that an old friend was in town. I love her dearly, but was frightened to see her. Let's just say she's deteriorated since she moved to Florida 2 years ago. I don't want to get into the details, but it was painful to see her. She doesn't look good, she acts worse, she's in denial about her lifestyle and her boyfriend. There are 4 of us that are good friends with her and none of us knew what to say. ... Wed, 13 May 2015 08:28:06 EST Ummm......made myself sick. Sooooo.......last nights Bikini Body Mommy workout. Well, let's just say it wasn't pretty. I rocked the workout. I really gave it everything I had, mostly. It was a longer one, but I felt fairly good while I was doing it. Tired yes, sweaty definitely, but also excited because I already feel stronger. Then I finished. Um. Holy cow. My head started pounding, my body felt like it was on fire, I was absolutely certain I was going to puke (but I had just taken a very important medicine so... Tue, 12 May 2015 08:43:30 EST Happy Monday... Hello friends. I'm hoping that all the Mom's (the 4 legged variety count too) had a wonderful Mother's day. Mine was spent with family, doesn't get much better. <BR> <BR> So, my husband got me a wrist band tracker for mother's day that also checks my heart rate. It was kind of cheap and it's not longer supported by the app that you're supposed to use and I can't get it to track my steps accurately, but I was going to wear it anyway. Then I get to my Mom's house and she had bought me a ... Mon, 11 May 2015 08:40:18 EST No photos and stop asking for them! lol I love you Radooga my dear but I am NOT sharing any pictures. Oh, it's awful. I swear I am the laziest person in the world. Any excuse works. Ugh. I'm thinking we may go mushrooming again tonight and what happens is that I get home and I go "I'm so tired from hiking I'm not going to do my workout". And yes, the hike is good exercise, but it is not enough. It just isn't. I can do better and I have to do better if I'm going to make progress. I have been eating terribly as well so there... Fri, 8 May 2015 08:31:31 EST BBM-excitement again! So, last night I did my first Bikini Body Mommy workout. I did day one, challenge one. I didn't sign up for the program, I'm just watching the videos. It was a short one, 8 minutes, and it was a fitness test. It absolutely whooped my butt. I'm excited to do the test again in a couple of weeks and see how I improve. What it told me? I have gotten weak. Yikes. Another thing? I needed to change it up. I know the difference between when I'm being lazy and when I'm just bored with a wo... Tue, 5 May 2015 10:53:58 EST Woo boy! So, we did go mushroom hunting Friday. I must say it was definitely full of adventures. We found two quickly drying half morels....disappointing, but we won't give up. We're supposed to get some rain this week so I am hoping this Friday will be good for us. I'm really enjoying our Friday hikes. Anyway, while we were out there we decided to walk the part of the creek bed that is dry to get to a spot my Mom used to play at when she grew up there. On the way back my kiddo (who is 7 and not... Mon, 4 May 2015 08:43:52 EST Aha! I did it! Four days in a row. For someone who used to exercise 7 days a week this sounds soooooo lame to me. lol. BUT seriously, I have been practically doing nothing the last month. So right now that's a great stat. I'm going mushrooming tonight so I highly doubt I will get on the bike this evening, but the hiking counts as exercise and I will get a lot more of it than I would riding my bike. My Dad has 37 acres of rolling farmland and we have to hike all the way to the back of the pr... Fri, 1 May 2015 08:13:00 EST Feeling good... Tired, but good. I did something silly this morning. My husband and I bought a new vehicle this past weekend and we've been taking turns driving it this week. Today was my day. Unfortunately I forgot that my laptop for work is in the trunk....of my old car. So here I am at work on someone else's computer, knowing that when they come in I'll be kicked off. Going home isn't an option because it's 35 minutes away. Ahhh.....well. I'll make due. My kiddo has a soccer game tonight, I'm loo... Thu, 30 Apr 2015 08:03:53 EST Sunshine... The sun was shining on my face this morning on my way to felt amazing. I wanted to just close my eyes and take some nice deep breaths, but I didn't figure that would be wise while driving down the road. I am so happy spring is here. I'm hoping the temp gets to the low 70's and stays there for a while, how lovely. Unfortunately, with spring comes allergies....woopie. I'm much less excited about that. I am however, very excited about mushroom hunting. We have gone the last 2 ... Wed, 29 Apr 2015 08:27:16 EST