BLONDEDOG's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=BLONDEDOG BLONDEDOG's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ So, I didn't ride my bike, but... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6199098 I did walk. And even better? I walked with my kiddo. Stupid Pokémon Go. I never thought I'd see the day. I'm not a Pokémon fan, but I am a fan of getting out of the house and getting some exercise with my kiddo. It was hot and sticky, but we sure had fun. The worst part is that we kept getting kicked off the server, which is quite annoying. But it's a pretty neat game. <BR> <BR> I'm going to try to get in my water today and get at least 18 minutes of exercise. I prefer the bike beca... Tue, 12 Jul 2016 08:30:34 EST Well.. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6198675 My plan was a complete failure. Never mind that though. I refuse to let it deter me. Oh, I did cook a healthy lunch for myself for the week. Honestly, I didn't want to. I helped move my boyfriends Mom for about 6 hours yesterday and I still had to go to the grocery. By the time I got back I was dead on my feet. I made myself do it anyway and I am so happy I did. I fixed my power lunch. It gives me energy and tastes so so yummy. Basically it's unstuffed green peppers. <BR> <BR> 3 ... Mon, 11 Jul 2016 12:46:56 EST Da plan... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6196882 Alright. I did it. I did 15 minutes on my bike last night. I am relieved. I don't have a whole lot to talk about right now so instead I'm just going to review my plan for today through Sunday. <BR> <BR> Today: Focus on water. I've been doing terrible with that all week so today I will try my best to get in all of the water I am supposed to drink. 15 minutes on my bike. That's it. Simple. <BR> <BR> Saturday: Water and bike. Super simple. <BR> <BR> Sunday: Water and bike. Only... Fri, 8 Jul 2016 09:03:41 EST Okay....I.can.do.this http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6196359 I did my workout last night. It was kind of late so I'm happy I followed through. It would have been so easy to skip it. It was important for me to get back into it right away. Now....tonight. Tonight I'm planning on another 15 minutes on the bike. I love the bike because I can read or watch tv while doing it. Makes it go by very quickly. I'm also going to do some more cleaning tonight. Laundry, dishes, 10 minutes of speed cleaning in each of 3 different rooms. I need this to happen... Thu, 7 Jul 2016 09:29:48 EST Exactly what I was afraid of... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6195765 This is new. It is so new to me. I mean, I've done it before, very successfully, but right now this is a new lifestyle for me. I was doing great. Then the holiday weekend happened and it all went to crap. Because I am not yet strong enough. The routine isn't built in enough that it just comes naturally to me. So. 1 day off turned into 5 days off. Oh my word. I am frustrated with myself. I didn't work out last night. Didn't even think about doing it. Urgh. I'm not really surprise... Wed, 6 Jul 2016 09:29:29 EST Feeling ill... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6195094 I feel awful today. I believe it is a combination of lack of sleep, terrible eating, and no exercise. I am definitely feeling pained. I'm at work....I want to go home so badly, but I hate to disappoint my supervisor. I honestly feel so crappy I can't think of anything to say and frankly I do not feel like doing anything, even typing. Ugh. <BR> <BR> It was a great/fun weekend, but I am definitely paying the price. I was not yet strong enough to make it through that unscathed. I'm not... Tue, 5 Jul 2016 08:52:39 EST So far so good....but http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6193043 What happens when I won't be home to ride my bike? I can't say I will workout tonight because I honestly don't know if I will have the opportunity. And I won't have the opportunity tomorrow either. This weekend is going to be rough. Honestly it wouldn't be such a big deal if my routine was well established, but it's not. It's very much in it's infant stage. I can say this. I will try to think outside the box for my workouts this weekend. Sure, walking doesn't have the same affect on m... Fri, 1 Jul 2016 13:11:56 EST Push, push it real good.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6192383 I got to man. I got to keep pushing forward. Even if it isn't perfect, even if it's ugly. I have to keep moving, I have to keep trying. I'm so happy that I managed to do my workout last night. A couple of weeks ago I didn't think I would be here, but I am. Also, yesterday I read a blog about purging from a friend of mine. I didn't really purge clothes, but I tackled something that's been driving me up a wall. My sons toys. I put a tarp on the floor in the garage and I had Gibson put ... Thu, 30 Jun 2016 11:35:37 EST Cha Cha Cha http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6191790 Hello! How are we today? Terrific I am hoping. I have to say yesterday I was in a pretty craptastic mood. I was seriously grumpy. I've been having a rough week with my job. Today I woke up sluggish, but now I am feeling significantly better and more optimistic. I have no idea why, but I will take it. <BR> <BR> So, yesterday I planned to workout (on my bike) for 15 minutes. But when I got home I realized it was a perfect day to mow. I do the push mowing and my boyfriend does the ri... Wed, 29 Jun 2016 12:13:18 EST Hello friends.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6191175 So, maybe we're sick of hearing this by now, but I managed to workout again last night. Yay. It doesn't matter to me at this point whether I want to do it or not (I don't), but that I build the habit in there. That is very important to me right now. The food? Well, that's a different animal all together, but I firmly believe it will all come together if I just keep exercising. <BR> <BR> Last night I conquered a fear of mine. A silly one. I have never been able to really shop at Aldi... Tue, 28 Jun 2016 11:53:16 EST An improved attitude? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6190411 I should say so. I didn't hesitate to exercise last night. I can't really go into the details of why that was amazing, but it was. I bumped it up to 15 minutes last night and I will continue doing that for a while. This is exactly what I need, the determination to exercise every single day. I firmly believe that is the secret to my success. At this time I would like to lost about 20 pounds. It's amazing how different I feel at 190 vs. 210. I feel like that is an extremely doable goal ... Mon, 27 Jun 2016 08:39:15 EST It's Saturday http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6189282 <img src="http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/67104ad5-2fee-4cba-a766-b9e07fef08c1.jpg"> Guess what? Yesterday I was at my moms house from 6 to midnight. About 10 I said "oh no I was supposed to exercise". So, while they were setting up the movie outside I hop on my moms exercise bike dress and all over. Whoo! I was very proud of myself. I am also proud of myself because here is Saturday and I am on spark people and blogging. I will be walking a round a lot today but I'm still going to pl... Sat, 25 Jun 2016 09:21:45 EST Not what I had planned... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6188686 So, I had planned to workout yesterday. But life sort of went crazy. It was almost comical in the way everything seemed to go wrong or take longer than it should. Actually, it was funny. My boyfriend and I just laughed about it. He certainly appreciated my patience. My Dad dropped my kiddo off at my work yesterday while he was on his way to an event. As he was pulling away he told me he thought he forgot to turn the water off in his kitchen sink so I told him I would go do that for him... Fri, 24 Jun 2016 08:23:14 EST Moved to tears... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6188120 Just a very short time ago I didn't want to exercise. I couldn't even consider it. I made excuses why I couldn't/wouldn't do it. Last night I did my 3rd day in a row of exercise. Now this is AFTER walking around the fair for 2 hours, getting home late, and my boyfriend telling me I didn't need to exercise because we walked around so much, AND my friend being at my house when I did get home. So....even if it was only 12 minutes and even if it was only the 3rd day in a row....I am happy, I... Thu, 23 Jun 2016 08:51:52 EST Moving forward... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6187462 So, it's been two and a half weeks since I came back to Sparkpeople and started blogging 5/7 days. When I first started blogging I wanted nothing to do with getting exercise. Nothing. I was stuck in the precontemplation stage. I am happy to report that yesterday I did my 2nd day of working out in a row. Not much. I know. But it is something. it is a start. This my friends is why Sparkpeople is so important. This is why I can't quit blogging. Just being here and knowing I'm not alon... Wed, 22 Jun 2016 09:07:31 EST I managed it.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6186779 Finally, for the first time in what feels like months I got back on my bike. It was only 10 minutes, but it wasn't hard and I felt good about it when I got done. It helped me to remember that it is doable, but only if I quit making excuses. <BR> <BR> I woke up this morning feeling like I got a great nights sleep but not wanting to get up. My bed just felt so cozy. But I forced myself up....taking a shower usually helps get me jump started. Not this morning. I feel sluggish and exhaus... Tue, 21 Jun 2016 08:26:07 EST Happy.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6186140 I had a great weekend. Except for the fact that it was yet another weekend without my kiddo. I miss him more than words. And I get to see him nearly everyday through the week for at least a few minutes because my dad watches him at my house. I can't imagine simply not seeing him for an entire week. <BR> <BR> So, my boyfriend traded his jeep for a truck. A big, lift truck, on big big tires. Tires I was very concerned about. He said even if the tires were bad he was still coming out a... Mon, 20 Jun 2016 08:34:53 EST Got to hustle... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6184664 Super quick. My boyfriend took me for a walk in the park yesterday after I told him I absolutely MUST workout. We walked for about 40 minutes or so, not all of it active, but still. Also, found a new berry patch! Yay! When my husband divorced me I lost my berry patch I've been using for the past 15 years cause it is at his Mom's house. This new patch is decent sized and easy to get to. Only about 5 % of the berries were ripe so I should have a good pickin over the next week or so if no... Fri, 17 Jun 2016 13:36:00 EST Excuses.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6184054 So, I really could write a very long blog about this, but I must keep it short. <BR> <BR> So, I know everything I've been blathering about is just and excuse and way of putting it off. I KNOW that. But just blogging about it truly helping me get back to where I want to and can do something about it. I'm already making slightly better choices. Last night I took the bun off my sandwich. Don't get me wrong, yesterday wasn't a good diet day, but I did make some choices I wouldn't have made ... Thu, 16 Jun 2016 13:48:02 EST Finally....sort of... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6183460 Okay, so it's quite a bit late today. I just couldn't get to it until now, but here I am, blogging away. I'm excited because I actually stuck to my vagueish goals I set yesterday. <BR> <BR> 1. Blogging every day. Well. I consider this a success because I wasn't able to do it at my normal time, but I still got on here to do it at the first opportunity. Yes! <BR> <BR> 2. Decluttering my house. Okay, now obviously I did not get my whole house decluttered last night. But I did pick u... Wed, 15 Jun 2016 14:03:02 EST Well.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6182561 Okay, so yesterday might not have been the best day for me to start working out. Well, it would have been okay except things never seem to go as planned. Back in the day it wouldn't have mattered. I would have done that workout any time, even midnight if that's when I got the chance. But when it's your first day back....not so much. There was just too much to do and then my best friend dropped in. I barely got anything on my list done. At least I got to the grocery. Unfortunately I di... Tue, 14 Jun 2016 08:21:38 EST Refreshed... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6181914 What a wonderful weekend. I was so busy and spent so many hours riding in the jeep in the hot sun. Spent the afternoon swimming with the BF's family yesterday. The only dark cloud was not having my kiddo there with me so he could enjoy it as well. But I have to say I woke up this morning feeling happy, loved, and rejuvenated. It's just what I needed. Now I hope I can transfer that to my mood about losing weight. <BR> <BR> I will say that I am absolutely OVERWHELMED by the messiness/d... Mon, 13 Jun 2016 08:37:59 EST Have you seen my Spark? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6180136 It's missing at the moment. I woke up feeling grumpy and out of sorts. Again, I believe this is a pre TOM issue that will resolve itself shortly. I am so sleepy and can't stop yawning and the day has just begun. What I really want to do is just go home and sleep, but we are having guests over for dinner tonight so that isn't going to happen. <BR> <BR> So, what am I going to do right this minute to fight this BLECH feeling? I'm going to go fill up my water bottle, staying hydrated alwa... Fri, 10 Jun 2016 08:38:11 EST So today... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6179502 I'm feeling slightly more motivated. Slightly. I have to admit the water didn't go well yesterday, I was so busy first thing in the morning that it through my whole day off. Also, I hit up the vending machine again. So, today I remembered to leave my wallet in my car. This has almost always been effective for me.....that is, until I forget it's in my car and go into a store and can't find it. Whoops. <BR> <BR> Anyway, today I promised my amazing friend that I would focus very much on ... Thu, 9 Jun 2016 08:16:17 EST Oh goodness... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6178843 Even the smallest of goals "stay out of the vending machine" was failure. I did not succeed at that yesterday, but I am determined not to give up. I will stay out of the vending machine today. I meant to leave my wallet in the car, but was in such a rush I forgot. So, my rule is, if I want to go to the vending machine I must take my wallet to the car and leave it there for a minimum of 30 minutes first. This should be plenty effective for me. <BR> <BR> Also, I believe I need to up my w... Wed, 8 Jun 2016 08:13:59 EST Forcing myself... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6178124 I am forcing myself to get on here today. I said I was going to do it and I will, but still....I don't want to. It's embarrassing. I am heavier now than I was before I lost my 65 pounds. Oh dear. I could cry just typing that out. I haven't said it out loud until now. I have just been living in denial. I am so ashamed of myself. And frustrated because I know I shouldn't be ashamed. I should just pick up the pieces and move on. Here's the thing. I lost my weight the right way, and f... Tue, 7 Jun 2016 07:56:13 EST Hello.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6177428 It has been a long while since I have posted. I am so unmotivated at the moment. I don't really want to be doing this right now, but I'm forcing myself. The fact is, I'm perfectly happy the way I am....until I see pictures of myself. I need to make a change, but I'm not completely dedicated to it yet. I figure that just jumping back in to Spark will be a big help. My goal for this week is to blog every day Mon - Fri. That's the only start I feel up to right now. I hope that you haven'... Mon, 6 Jun 2016 08:48:58 EST Today is important... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6115060 Every day is important. I know that. I simply mean, in regards to my health, this day is important. Today is day 3 of my streak....this is where I've been falling off lately. I NEED to make it past this day and meet my goals. Today I am going to drink 64 oz of water, and exercise 10 minutes. It isn't much, I know this. I do not care. I KNOW this is what got me going before and it will get me going again. I'm not too worried about my diet at the moment, that will come later. Although ... Wed, 9 Mar 2016 10:10:56 EST A start.....for the 1,382 time... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6114103 I met my goals for yesterday. I rode my bike for 10 minutes. I had a huge to do list and when I got home it was so nice that the boyfriend wanted to go for a ride in the jeep. We ended up being gone for over an hour and a half. Whoops. I had all these things on my list and one of the them was my 10 minutes on the bike. I could have made an excuse not to do it since I had so much to do. What would have happened the day before? I would have done the other things on my list and then been... Tue, 8 Mar 2016 08:34:38 EST Alarming.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6113231 My weight is going up at an alarming rate. I had managed to hold steady, but the lifestyle is finally getting to me. I talk a big talk, but dang I keep failing. Last week I wanted to work out 3 days, 20 minutes each day. That is so minimal....it should be easy. I was wrong. I let myself get busy and before I know it it's time to go to bed. So once again I'm going to make the goal even easier to meet, one day at a time. Today my goal is to do 10 minutes on my bike and drink 32 ounces o... Mon, 7 Mar 2016 08:26:36 EST Same old same old... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6107382 Well poop. I am terrible on follow through. I only managed to workout 2 days last week for a total of 40 minutes. Bonus? I worked out 2 days last week! Woot! This weeks goal, workout at least 3 days and bump up to 15 minutes of cardio instead of 10. It's not much, but it's something. My weight is creeping up so I need to get a handle on this and FAST. It will help if I get in here and blog daily. <BR> <BR> I'm about to have (I think) one of the best summers of my life, if all goes... Mon, 29 Feb 2016 08:50:23 EST Same story, different day... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6105370 So, I decided to try to workout....I made up a great tracking log and started right away which happened to be Tuesday. The routine is simple.....some very mild strength training along with 10 minutes of cardio. I was so excited because I actually went home and did it. No excuses. I did once everything else was done but BEFORE I sat down for snuggles. It didn't take long and was fairly pain free. Wednesday comes along and BAM, nailed it! Plus I did a couple extra minutes cardio just bec... Fri, 26 Feb 2016 12:02:36 EST Why is it so hard? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6102693 Why is something that used to be so easy now so hard? It drives me crazy. I cannot figure out how to get back into exercising. The day just slips away before I know it. I am clearly not committed to it. I can't even manage to do 10 minutes a day. I want to do it in the morning but that has never worked for me. I never have enough energy in the mornings to make any workout I do effective. My body feels so "heavy" in the mornings. Yuck. But the evenings aren't working anymore either. ... Tue, 23 Feb 2016 08:30:22 EST So much love... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6087458 With the tragedy that happened in my family yesterday (my cousin and his 4 year old grand daughter died in a house fire). I was amazed with the out pouring of love from the community. I have a huge family. Just about everyone in my hometown and surrounding communities knows one of us, is married to one, went to school with one, played baseball or softball with one, or fought with one (lol). What a blessing to see how the community has truly been touched by their lives. <BR> <BR> Today a... Thu, 4 Feb 2016 08:25:38 EST Holy meatballs batman... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6086607 Today I was supposed to do a 2 1/2 minute plank. I tried. I got 2 minutes and 10 seconds. I was disappointed, but determined I was going to do it. I rested for a while and then got back down there and did it. I didn't think I would ever be able to do that. I cannot tell you how stoked I am about that. Tomorrow is a rest day thankfully and then I think I have 2 more days of 2 1/2 minutes and then I bump up to 3. I swear I never thought that it would be possible, but why not? Why not m... Wed, 3 Feb 2016 09:19:51 EST Busy busy and holy cow that was hard! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6084644 So, what a wonderfully busy weekend. My kiddo was with his Dad this weekend and that's always hard. I miss him so much when he's gone. I find I definitely appreciate him when he's back though. I spent the bulk of Saturday at an off road expo with my boyfriend and his 19 year old son. We had a blast. They are fun people. It was fun to hear my boyfriend talk about something he enjoys so much, turned into a little boy. His son said something really nice about us. He said it's the happie... Mon, 1 Feb 2016 08:46:14 EST Kachow! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6082181 Hehehe! In such a good mood today. I was sick yesterday, which was a bummer...but I recovered pretty well by the end of the night. I managed to do 10 minutes on the bike. It's a start. I'm not worried about how much time I spend on it right now, I'm concerned with consistency. I know me and I know if I get on there trying to do what I used to do I'll end up giving up because it's too hard. I am way out of shape. I have to get in the habit, the increase. Yay! Also, I did my 1 1/2 min... Fri, 29 Jan 2016 08:57:40 EST A start http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6081351 So, I did what I set out to do yesterday. I moved the bike back to where it belongs. I feel great. I am up to hold a 90 second plank, the goal being 5 minutes...oh my! I haven't rode my bike in months, but I'm ready. <BR> <BR> I'm working on feeling beautiful, inside and out. I must find my confidence! <BR> <BR> Hope you all have a wonderful day. Today I am going to ride my bike for at least 10 minutes. No excuses. Thu, 28 Jan 2016 09:58:07 EST A new chapter... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6080535 So, I'm struggling to exercise. Hard. I keep telling myself I'll do just 10 minutes, but I get distracted and busy and skip it. I end up on the couch snuggling with my loves and deciding that's more important. Tonight I am not promising to exercise. Tonight I am promising to move my bike back to my living room. It was moved to make room for a Christmas tree that has been down nearly a month. It is time to put it back where it belongs. I feel like once I get this done it will be far ea... Wed, 27 Jan 2016 10:53:50 EST Moving forward...and upward http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6079763 So, here I am. Updating again. Few and far between. Life isn't fair sometimes, you know? Stuff has been crazy lately. My divorce is final. I knew it was coming, but why it was so difficult to actually here that it was over....I have no idea. It hurt pretty bad. That was a rough day. Another rough day....yesterday when my ex told me he was getting a house with his girlfriend, the singer in his band. The girl he has been claiming all along he wasn't seeing. I'm seeing someone, so why... Tue, 26 Jan 2016 14:12:09 EST Big changes! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6060989 Hello friends. I know I've been absent far too long. I have to say things were going pretty rough and I was gearing up for the worst holiday season of my life. Somehow it turned in to one of the best. The exception being that I missed so much time with my awesome kiddo so that he could spend time with his Dad. He loved it thought and it all worked out pretty well. So long as he's happy that's all I care about at the moment. <BR> <BR> Some of you know that my husband left me a few month... Tue, 5 Jan 2016 10:38:41 EST Rough... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6044187 Hello friends. It's been a rough couple of months. My life has turned completely upside down. I just never saw this coming, guess I had blinders on. Life without my husband in it has been difficult. He has been my best friend from nearly the second I met him. <BR> <BR> There have been so many things happening since I chatted here last. So, most of you know my husband left me. He filed for divorce rather quickly....a month or so after he left and we agreed on everything so it will be ... Tue, 8 Dec 2015 08:29:59 EST Today is a (that person) free day... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6010338 I have determined that for one day I need to be free from that person. I will not name him, I will not speak about him, or to him. I will not respond to texts, nor initiate texts. Today I am free. Today, I give myself permission to laugh and be free. Today, I get to be me again, even for just the day. <BR> <BR> Thank you so much for your continued support. It helps keep my (in person) friends and family from burn out, lol. <BR> <BR> So, onward. Today I intend to begin my exercise r... Tue, 6 Oct 2015 10:02:02 EST Meh... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6009595 Today is a blah day. I am miserable without my husband. I'm trying to fake it till I make it. Some days that works better than others. I hate that I allowed myself such a false sense of security. I feel like the past 15 years have been some giant cosmic joke. Jokes on me. Haha. Nothing like hearing I love you for 15 years just to find out maybe that was never true. Hard not to tie your self worth to that. Ultimately I know that this problem, whatever it is, is his. But still, in th... Mon, 5 Oct 2015 08:52:31 EST Not such a goodish day... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6006895 I'm a mess today. Crying again. Ooooh.....I hate this so much. It is so miserable and I'm mad as hell. My friend says "fake it till you make it" but it just isn't working today. <BR> <BR> Today is his birthday. It's the first birthday in 15 years I have spent with him....mine or his. 30 birthdays together....gone like yesterdays trash. Wed, 30 Sep 2015 15:57:11 EST Today is a goodish day... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6006141 I did my hair, and put makeup up. That's something. I didn't wake up crying. That's something. I woke up with a bit of clarity. One, that I have put him on a pedestal and I need to take him off. Two, that each time he says the words "I want to help you move on" or "if it will help you" or "if you think you need it", what he is really doing is looking for a way to assuage his guilt. Third, that it's been a long time since he has truly shown he cared about me, as far as spending quality ... Tue, 29 Sep 2015 11:27:57 EST Sadder than I ever knew I could be... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6005663 I went to the therapist and I suppose it helped for a minute, but this afternoon has been a disaster. I do not know how to deal with this. I am starting to give up on the idea of a reconciliation. He is completely opposed to it and I can't force it. He seems to truly have no feelings for me whatsoever. It isn't easy to accept, but I don't think I have much choice. He really seems done with us forever. It's so hard to admit that. Mon, 28 Sep 2015 15:49:42 EST Restoration... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6003781 Something I heard today resonated with me. Reconciling is building the bridge, but the bridge still needs to be restored. That is my new outlook on this devastating time in my life. I am working on WANTING my husband by my side, not NEEDING him by my side. I am working on admitting my short comings, while also not placing blame squarely on my shoulders. I am not going to focus on his short comings because I can't fix those. I am not going to ask the why's from him. If he wishes to shar... Fri, 25 Sep 2015 09:06:49 EST Crushed... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6003184 I'm sorry folks. It's gonna be a while before I have anything positive to write about. My whole world is crashing down. My husband is the love of my life. We've been together for 15 years, I was prepared to grow old with him. I know people go through this and they persevere, but it's so hard to remember that right now. He is absolute in his desire to not try to reconcile. Today I have reached a point where I just want to give in and give up. I really want him to be happy, and if that ... Thu, 24 Sep 2015 08:54:07 EST Devestating news... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6002769 My husband left me. Just said he didn't love me anymore and if he stayed it would kill him. Having a very hard time coping with this. I have made an appointment with a counselor for Monday morning. After that I will see about family counseling for me and my son. John is not interested in doing marital counseling and I won't force him. My heart feels as though it is breaking in two. Wed, 23 Sep 2015 13:28:10 EST