BED0FR0SES's SparkPeople Blog BED0FR0SES's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community On falling backwards, food anxiety, setting goals, and trusting yourself It's been awhile, friends. I've had some pretty intense epiphanies, but backstories are required. I'll try to be concise, try to bear with me: <BR> <BR> My last blog, two years ago, detailed my physical issues eating because of TMD (i.e., lock-jaw). Since then, I learned to love my jaw night guard, began work on my dissertation, became certified as a group exercise trainer, started teaching as an adjunct at my university, and accepted a part time job at non-profit which ultimately has turned... Sun, 20 Mar 2016 01:13:50 EST workouts, TMD, and self-esteem, it's been almost 3 months since my last blog! <BR> <BR> I'm sorry I've been so quiet, but I promise I have good reasons! I still am learning about time management as a new teacher, so I find most of my time near the computer has been spent preparing lectures and working on assignments, and so well, when I'm not working, I try to be away from the computer. That means less posting on Spark, but more being out and about in the's a fair trade, I think. I'll try to be better a... Sun, 1 Jun 2014 23:20:44 EST Prelim is turned in. Next hurdle: to drop a dress size! I turned in my prelim! A day early at that! <BR> <BR> I have to confess- today was a *terrible* eating day for me. I added "for me", because I'm pretty sure it would be considered a normal day by the general population. After I turned in copies of my prelim, I met a friend for a late brunch and had a veggie omelet (with egg beaters) and home fries. Later, at the mall, I had a cookie. Finally, post-workout and running late, I picked up a chipotle vegetarian burrito bowl with brown rice and *... Thu, 13 Mar 2014 23:11:45 EST A crazy week ahead So my written prelim is due in 7 days (I swear, I just heard "7 days" in Samara's voice from The Ring...*shudders*). If I don't pass, I'm immediately removed from the program. So, that being said, I'm going to be spending a lot of time refining those 35+ pages into the most beautifully written and persuasive literature review I can muster. This means that I probably won't be as active on Spark from now until next weekend, but I wanted to pop in and hold myself accountable for my goals establ... Fri, 7 Mar 2014 22:12:09 EST Thrust! Tonight's class was AWESOME. My foot held up astonishingly well, I only had to modify one of the moves that we did, and the trainer made sure that I still absolutely felt the burn. <BR> <BR> It feels so good to be in group workouts again, I am reminded why I love them so much. Everyone is so supportive, through the class people kept asking me if my foot was holding up, and I got a LOT of high fives. <BR> <BR> I also notice that I tend to put more energy into group classes, probably becaus... Wed, 26 Feb 2014 23:05:08 EST Your body is only one thing that changes. <BR> So I injured myself running this weekend. I'm not sure how I did it, or what is wrong, but I'm spending my evening with my right leg elevated, alternating cold/warm compresses. <BR> <BR> I almost fell down the stairs while trying to navigate them with only one good leg, my dog had some sort of stomach bug and spent the weekend puking, and I'm so stressed with school I feel like I could implode. On top of that, this morning I mixed up containers and took an entire container of raw spin... Mon, 24 Feb 2014 22:11:22 EST Black balloon Apologies, tonight's post is going to be a long disjointed one. It could be because for the past 3 days I've pulled 10-14 hour workdays, or it could be because the weather here has been so dreary (and yes, I'm in Florida, and no, I don't know what a snow storm is like, but I'm used to feeling sun on my skin on a daily basis, pity meeeee). Either way, my brain is overloaded with thoughts and feelings and I need an outlet. So, feel free to ignore this. I'm just going to spew words until it's ou... Fri, 21 Feb 2014 22:05:32 EST I'm a Sparkpeople success story? Yesterday morning I received an email from Sparkpeople, asking if they could include me as one of their success stories. <BR> <BR> I had a very mixed response to it. <BR> <BR> On one hand, I was extremely flattered and proud. I've been on here for a long time now, and I tell people about this website all the time, so it felt good for Spark to return the praise, in a way. <BR> <BR> On the other hand, I just felt like a fraud, because of the weight I've gained back over the last few month... Thu, 20 Feb 2014 00:56:54 EST Accountability. Well, my size 10 pants are feeling snug. This was a downer because a year ago, this same style/size pant used to feel far too loose after wearing them for just a few hours, so I reserved them for when my size 8s were dirty. Now my size 8s don't button, and the size 10s fit me like a glove, even maybe too tight for an appropriately-sized glove. <BR> <BR> I had been avoiding the scale for a spell. Today I decided I needed to see how bad it was, and did full spectrum of measurements. The bad n... Sun, 9 Feb 2014 23:45:52 EST Pushing Back. I did my first half-marathon yesterday. I was terrified. Thanks to the flu, my fitness center closing, and the weather being all kinds of freaky in the past month, I had only gone out running 3 times in the month before the race. To make matters worse, I'd been pressed for time when I'd gone out, so I had run more than 4 miles at a stretch for those few runs. <BR> <BR> I had signed up with the idea that maybe some friends would join me, but no one else did. With no one coming with me, not f... Mon, 3 Feb 2014 22:24:05 EST Picking up the pieces Well, I feel like I've lost all the headway I'd gained in my journey to having healthy self-esteem. <BR> <BR> In November, my relationship ended. It was the first breakup in a long time where I wasn't the one initiating the break-up, and it was the first breakup ever that I did not see coming, and literally pleaded for it not to happen. I wasn't sure I was going to survive it. To make it more difficult, we had been living together and he had no where else to go right away, so for an additio... Sat, 25 Jan 2014 22:12:22 EST A rough night. This entry is going to be a little bit darker in tone than my usual posts, which I try to avoid because I don't want to send negative messages to newer people who may stumble upon this little speck of the interwebz, but I also hope that it helps to see others struggle with things. <BR> <BR> I am a TA for a university, and tomorrow I am giving my first lecture of the semester to my class (for those not familiar with TAs, I'm basically a Professor Apprentice right now, and this semester is my... Wed, 11 Sep 2013 21:47:09 EST Conquering the salad mentality. Something strange and lovely happened to me last week. I was minding my own business, procrastinating on Facebook, and I got a message from a girl who lives in a completely different city than me. We had no mutual friends, there was literally no connection I could find between her and me. Her message simply stated "Hello, I was wondering if you could give me some weight loss tips". <BR> <BR> While flattered, I still felt weirded out. My profile on Facebook is locked down, and due to my batt... Tue, 3 Sep 2013 17:00:56 EST some clean eating fridge/pantry staples Whenever I tell people I try to eat clean, they do one of two things: <BR> <BR> a) blankly stare at me while probably envisioning me violently scrubbing all my food before consumption <BR> <BR> b) tell me I must spend a lot of money of food. <BR> <BR> Regardless of initial response, after both options a & b, people ask me what sort of food I eat and keep in the house. I thought it might be helpful to give a brief overview of things I *always* keep in the house since I started this eatin... Mon, 12 Aug 2013 15:29:40 EST Some hard realizations... So as I mentioned in my last entry, I went to visit/meet my boyfriend's family last week. And as I had feared, we ended up encountering his ex girlfriend. This encounter made me realize some pretty important things. <BR> <BR> I'm secure in my relationship, I trust my partner completely. And yet, for every moment that 'the ex' was in sight, I was filled with gut-wrenching anxiety and insecurity. Why? Because she was skinnier than me. <BR> <BR> My BMI is in a healthy category, I wear a size... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 19:44:01 EST A [minor] setback? I come to you mildly frustrated, but attempting to maintain high spirits. <BR> <BR> The past few weeks, the scale (and tape measure) have told me I'm getting bigger. 7 lbs and 1 inch [on waist/hip], to be exact. <BR> <BR> This is NOT what I'm trying to do, here. <BR> <BR> I am still eating clean, although I tend to splurge when I'm around family (story of my life)...but we're talking fresh salads daily, dressings with only 2-3 natural ingredients, homemade granola bars, home-cooked meal... Sat, 13 Jul 2013 10:19:41 EST 6/22 still eating clean...mostly :P It's been a whirlwind here, the past few months. A dear friend had an accident and was in a coma for over a week in April, an intensive finals week came and went, I hosted a fundraiser party for a non-profit in my town, and this week a new roommate moved in! <BR> <BR> So, in the context of ALL of that...I backslid, but only a little. Besides the occasional splurge (for example, last night i had a grilled chicken breast on a white flour bun and had fries on the side), the only real problem I... Sat, 22 Jun 2013 16:41:40 EST Just an update :) so I'm over a month into my attempt to eat clean, and I've come to some conclusions. Mind you, I am still learning on this journey, and I absolutely do not eat perfectly clean...I just had restaurant pizza last night garlic knots last night, for example! But I would say I'm probably 75% of the way there, with just occassional splurges and a few persistent issues. Here's what I've found: <BR> <BR> The good: <BR> -I have WAY more energy while I'm working or in class...I went from drinking 5-6... Wed, 20 Mar 2013 12:57:31 EST eating clean- reflections and progress Welp, it's been almost 3 weeks since I started trying to eat clean. <BR> <BR> I haven't lost any weight...but to that end, I also haven't gained any weight...and I am so much more enjoying the food that I eat! I'm hoping the lack of weight loss is due mostly to the fact that it's been miserable weather and i'm sick, so I haven't been working out much the past two weeks. <BR> <BR> I've been really good about avoiding soda (in january I was downing 2-3 servings of diet coke a day), and I've... Thu, 7 Mar 2013 11:37:02 EST Earth Fare and instant tatoes Seriously. They send me a coupon every week at least, those clever little... <BR> <BR> Anyways, I spend more money than I should there, but thanks to my coupons, I'm getting about as much food for the price as I would at a standard grocery store. Two nights ago we got a coupon for a whole chicken with a $10 purchase, so some fresh cheese, hummus, and tea led to a beautiful chicken roasting in the oven, stuffed with garlic and rosemary. We ran out of fresh fruits and veggies though(the weath... Wed, 27 Feb 2013 19:40:12 EST clean eating= more calories?! So I have recently decided to up my healthy game, and remove processed foods from my diet. I was raised on the "buy everything that says 'diet' 'low fat' or 'lite'!" mentality, so this has been an incredibly difficult transition for me. <BR> <BR> I'm eating all kinds of super foods, and for the first time in my LIFE I have had a fresh fruit or vegetable every single day for the past two weeks....but it seems my calories are constantly at the top of my range! <BR> <BR> I'm trying to remind... Sun, 24 Feb 2013 18:33:41 EST One big accomplishment down, a bigger one to go. So, I've had a busy month. <BR> <BR> My 2012 New Year's Resolution was to finally run a 5k. By the end of January I already was running 3 miles several times a week for fun, so to push myself, I signed up for the Tough Mudder obstacle course instead of a regular 5k. I trained for several months, running up to 6-7 miles in a day, and then trying to run the fitness trails so I could alternate running with a strength exercise. Amazingly, two weeks ago I drove down to Sarasota and survived Toug... Mon, 17 Dec 2012 02:36:45 EST Why the # on the scale has gone up... So, I've been using my trusty ole sunbeam scale since before I even started my weight loss journey. And it did me well, but still relying on a $15 scale for over 6 years was not my wisest decisions. In the past 3 months, I was living an emotional roller-coaster by my scale- one weigh-in I had lost a pound, the next I had gained five, the next time I had lost six. I stopped entering in my weight when this happened and assumed it was water-weight and/or muscle growth since I'd started resistanc... Sat, 18 Feb 2012 11:45:31 EST Krispy Kreme Vs Me: Annnd FIGHT! This morning my professor decided to 'treat' us all to doughnuts. He dropped a box of a dozen on our table, and it quickly was passed around. I resisted the first pass around, but somehow the box ended up parked directly in front of me, my notebook brushing against it. <BR> <BR> For the next 3 hours, I stole glances at it. 6 glazed delights sitting in front of me, just begging to be consumed. I knew exactly how delicious it would taste, how the glaze would melt in my mouth and how the sugar... Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:34:01 EST REAL comfort food you can still eat! Hey Sparkers! <BR> <BR> I have been AWOL recently, bought a new house and a puppy so the last three weeks has been moving/unpacking/painting/fixing/decoratin<BR>g the new digs and loving on the new puppy. Oh, and ph.d programs suck the life outta ya. <BR> <BR> I wanted to respond to Sparkpeople's blog on 'healthy comfort foods', because none of their listed items quite fit the bill in my opinion....when I want to eat my feelings, I don't reach for fruit smoothies, angel foodcake, or chick... Sat, 29 Oct 2011 17:47:14 EST Before Pictures: JM Bikini Challenge Hey all! <BR> <BR> I'm taking part of a pretty awesomely intense Jillian challenge, and I wanted to take before and after pictures to track my progress since I've noticed with Jillian that the scale numbers don't necessarily move but the inches will fall off. <BR> <BR> So here are more 'before' pictures. I'm in transition between two places so I don't have my scale/tape measure, so I will go to my status quo weight of between 155-158 lbs, depending on my sodium intake. <BR> <BR> <img sr... Sun, 11 Sep 2011 11:58:29 EST Holy Hell, Hamburger! So today would be the worst day I've had in a while, diet-wise, to cap off the worst week I've had in awhile, food-wise. <BR> <BR> My employment terminated this week [no worries guys- it was a contract position so I always knew it would happen] and my co-workers threw a potluck for the employees leaving...and then there was a staff dash to 5 Guys for lunch of my last day to get together out of the office, and then suddenly I was unemployed, wanting nothing more than to spend my free time lo... Tue, 5 Jul 2011 00:28:41 EST How I lost over 50 lbs on Spark. So sometimes I go into the message boards and give some encouragement/tips to people who are struggling along their weight loss journey. But not everyone can easily access those message boards, and I think it would benefit myself as well to see how I got this far...especially as I am falling back on some of my tried-and-true tactics to banish fat from the Dani-kingdom once and for all! <BR> <BR> So here are some of the things I attribute to currently looking so fiinnnneeeee: <BR> <BR> 1) W... Thu, 9 Jun 2011 20:21:49 EST Funny how vacations are rarely relaxing After my 5 day stint in South Florida, I can safely say that I am even more exhausted than before I left. Being from soflo, most of my family and friends still live there and expect to see me while I'm down. Translation: Having plans with people from 10am-6am every day. Running on literally only 3 hours of sleep just about every day of the break has taken its toll- I'm exhausted and feel lazy since my workouts simply didn't fit in my schedule. The good news is that I still managed to eat fair... Thu, 10 Mar 2011 09:40:05 EST Conquering the bikini Spring has officially arrived in Florida, I have finally retired my peacoat and boots for the season! As a one-piece swimsuit girl for the first 12 years of my life and then Tankini girl for the following 8 years, I've recently been nervously crossing into Bikini Girl territory. Nerves existed for two reasons, the obvious one being that an obese girl does not like to be half naked in private, let alone on a public beach surrounded by naturally skinny i-eat-whatever-i-want-and-still-look-like-... Tue, 1 Mar 2011 11:05:15 EST Excuse me,'s time for you to die. I have absolutely had it with this 'months and months of religiously eating well and exercising with no results' business I've got going on. I gave up on the scale and used a tape measure, also no results. It'd be one thing if the scale was playing mindgames, but the measuring tape don't lie! The only good thing is that multiple measures using the skin fold test revealed at my body fat percentage falls into the 'healthy' range for a lady. It's definitely on the large end of the range, but at ... Fri, 25 Feb 2011 11:39:57 EST diet reflections Today was a good day, diet-wise. <BR> <BR> <BR> When I first started on Spark, I just tried to watch my calories...which translated into eating lots of 100 calorie snack packs of my favorite sweets. Eventually I cut those out completely, but continued to use white flour products because I just 'hated wheat'. As my lifestyle changed, I soon found I quite preferred whole wheat or multi-grain products to anything made with white flour. Today, I can't even eat white bread without making a face... Wed, 26 Jan 2011 22:52:08 EST Grocery shopping: a reflection I love grocery shopping. While scavenging for sales at Walmart today, I realized that what ends up in my cart now is vastly different than it was 3 years ago. <BR> <BR> 3 years ago I would have put in: <BR> <BR> mint chocolate chip icecream <BR> oreos <BR> Reeses' Puffs Cereal <BR> 2% milk <BR> chocolate syrup <BR> premade chicken nuggets <BR> ramen <BR> potato chips <BR> instant mashed potatoes <BR> cherry coke <BR> <BR> get the picture. <BR> <BR> Today's grocery cart ... Thu, 20 Jan 2011 12:39:28 EST Take that, fat! I've been going to Art of the Catwalk [fitness studio in Tallahassee] for about two months now, and I am finally feeling better about this plateau situation. After three weeks at Catwalk, I finally broke 160 and went to 159. Now this morning my scale reads 162, but I've learned that sore muscles=water weight retention, and after all the work I've been doing, my muscles are definitely sore! In order to depend less on the scale, I started measuring myself again...sure enough, since starting Cat... Fri, 2 Apr 2010 11:48:45 EST Bump in the road So 50 lbs later, I am generally happy with my new body and my new life style. I haven't had a chicken finger in over a year [i used to eat them several times a week!] <BR> <BR> I drink water and tea instead of soda, and I exercise regularly. <BR> <BR> However, it's been six months since I lost weight. I am ten lbs away from my ultimate goal, and I can't seem to get to it. <BR> <BR> I rarely overeat, but after a horrific semester both educationally and emotionally, I went home for christm... Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:47:47 EST Doing SO good.... So, the fruits of my labors finally seem to be paying off! <BR> <BR> The scale is steadily staying on 192 lbs now! <BR> <BR> Which means two super exciting things: <BR> <BR> My BMI is back in the 20s <BR> This is the best weight I've had since the fall! <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> I've also bumped my cardio up to about 6 days out of the week, and I'm planning on jogging more and more regularly. I eat crazy better now, and I've discovered a love for cooking, shopping, and going to the fruit ma... Sun, 29 Jun 2008 20:36:29 EST Struggling. I've never weighed this much my entire life. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong before, but after a week on this program it is clear to me. Almost every meal I had included some sort of fried item, and on top of that I stopped going to the gym completely. While I was back home I looked at old pictures of myself, in some of them I weighed about 160. Ironically, back then I used to think I was terribly overweight, and now 160 is my goal weight. <BR> I was feeling good about losing my... Thu, 22 May 2008 00:15:08 EST