BEAUTY_WITHIN's SparkPeople Blog BEAUTY_WITHIN's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Stressed and Scared. let's start with a little history. <BR> <BR> My father and mother divorced when I was 2, and mom raised me from there alone. My father was never around, ddin''t pay child support, ect ect. <BR> <BR> When I was 16, he tracked me down. He was around for less than a year, then went poof again. When I was 19, I tracked HIM down. I wanted to get to know him. In retrospect, I'm not sure that was a good idea. <BR> <BR> We've had a stormy relationship ever since. Lots of broken promises, ... Sun, 6 Jul 2014 12:50:01 EST forever the fat girl? I'm trying to eat to hunger today. I'm tracking as I go, and I have dinner included cause it will be alot od food. This is all great, and healthy. However, I'm at my mom's. As you may recall, her idea of healthy is 1 meal a day, possibly 2. So by this point, having gotten up at 6 or 7, I've had a snack, breakfast, lunch and another snack. When I went in for my last snack, she was all "oh my. God, all you do is eat. Are you really that hungry? ?"" <BR> Yes. Yes I was. But all I could thi... Fri, 4 Jul 2014 15:11:53 EST Ok, time to put on my big girl pants First of all, THANK you everyone, for your support. It was appreciated. It helped me pick myself up and dust myself off. <em>304</em> <BR> <BR> I did my measurements since my last blog. The results were not pretty. <em>42</em> I'm up in all areas except 2 - my upper arm (down by .5!) and my belly (down by .5 also!) Making progress on my belly makes me VERY happy. That's always been a trouble spot for me. So I'm pleased with that. <BR> Ok, things have changed alot in the last 2... Tue, 1 Jul 2014 00:43:39 EST pissed and debating giving up on this I'm so pissed. The scale is up AGAIN! I've been on this site for 3 years, and I was loosing, and now it's coming all back. I'm up to 226. AGAIN! I'm busting my ass, working out regularly - I've got over 1500 fitness minutes this month alone, I'm trying to eat well, and get my water and freggies in, and it's not working. I was down to 198 after my son was born - I LOST weight during my pregnancy. In the 14 mo since he was born, I've gained what, 30 lbs? Why the heck am I even here if a... Mon, 30 Jun 2014 14:11:48 EST New Strength training I did one of Sparks workout plans today. Or more specifically, about half of it. I got through the lower half of a full body one, and I was worn out, and hurting just a little. I aggravated an old injury just a hair. So I swapped the 3 new upper body moves for 1 that I was familiar with, and called it done. <BR> <BR> I'm proud of myself! <em>345</em> It's almost dinner time and I've got 88 calories before I hit my low end, I've gotten 9 (!) glasses of water in today! <em>91</em... Sat, 28 Jun 2014 20:57:04 EST Some questions First of all, I just realized that today will be day 6 of having my calories in or under range. Now I'm still a bit confused by the new tracker. My calories have been within the 1200-1500 range for the most part, but under the goal set with the activity I've done. Not a whole lot; maybe 100-300 tops, but could this be enough to hinder weight loss? I don't quite get that. <BR> <BR> Also, how do you guys estimate the amount of food you've had when you can't measure? My husband makes smo... Thu, 26 Jun 2014 21:09:36 EST *sighs* I'm frustrated. The scale is back up. I cannot seem to get out of the 220s! I've been stuck here for awhile now. I was around this weight when I got pregnant with my son, then after he was born I stuck a toe in Onderland, got down to 196, and now I'm back up to 225. I'm so tired of it. But I don't seem to be able to get out of the 220s. <BR> I guess I need to go back over the calories. The fitness stuff isn't a problem. My water is, I know that. But I think the calories are ok. ... Wed, 25 Jun 2014 00:46:57 EST catching up We got approved for unemployment. *Insert excitement here - I'm too tired for excitement* Yea. It's great to have an income again. It'll be even better when we have an actual job. But I'm happy with having unemployment right now. That's about another 6mo or so of cushion. <BR> I went to the Pride fest today with my family. Walked about 3.5 miles. My knee is so sore and tired. I'm giving it some rest for a little bit, then I'm going to do some yoga. It's been awhile since I've done... Sun, 22 Jun 2014 23:10:27 EST Feeling a big discouraged I'm doing well on the health stuff. So that's good. <BR> I'm discouraged with other stuff. Like the job stuff. When Chris and I got married, he was the one who worked. We both preferred it that way. I was supposed to stay home and freelance, and later, look after Nate. <BR> Well, I have't had a freelance job since Nate was born 14 months ago, and Chris has been job hunting for 6 months now. I'm so frustrated. I'm regular-job hunting now too, which is depressing, because I never wante... Tue, 17 Jun 2014 19:37:42 EST 6/16 Argh! I accidentally deleted my original blog! <em>28</em> <BR> <BR> I think today was an exercise in endurance! I had to endure scrambling for money when I found I had miscalculated our finances, I had to endure the failure of my plans for my husband's day when my body gave out on me, and I had to endure through my son not going to bed till midnight! <BR> <BR> Today was hard, but it reminded me of something, and taught me something else. Reminder - PAY ATTENTION! The money proble... Mon, 16 Jun 2014 02:17:00 EST The ZOO We went to the zoo yesterday. It was PERFECT out! Blue skies, nice breeze, GORGEOUS! We walked about 5.5 miles today. I slept like a rock last night, woke up at 10 this morning, had breakfast, and went back to bed till 1. Hubby is similarly as tired. And I'm SORE! I didn't expect to be sore from walking. <BR> <BR> I am STILL tired. Though I'm annoyed with my fitbit - it only thinks I was active for about 2 hours - we were there for over 4! And even though it counts the steps, it t... Sat, 14 Jun 2014 21:03:02 EST strange discovery I have eaten today, besides just supper. However, supper was the only meal that was decently sized and of a decent amount of calories. I haven't really had any snacks. <BR> <BR> So when supper came, I ate my big supper, in healthy proprtions. And I realized something. You can eat, but not eat enough for you to actually support your body. I didn't really realize this till I found it taking lots of concentration to eat. I got all 8 glasses of water in at one sitting. <BR> I tracked wha... Thu, 12 Jun 2014 22:09:57 EST My interview Well, I can say one thing for the day, I got lots of steps in. Can't say how many, because I didn't wear my fitbit. Silly of me. <BR> So I made great time getting to the area of my interview. I had an hour to spare. So I figured I'd find it and then find somewhere to sit till it was time. <BR> And then I got lost. Google maps had me get off waaaaaaay too soon. I finally made it there - and hour late. I spent almost 2 hours wandering around trying to get unlost. My map was NO help. I fin... Wed, 11 Jun 2014 21:16:17 EST NSV and a Puzzle So my aunt said that I lost weight! Yea! But the scale isn't budging. However, I have noticed that my pants are loose in my tummy (Finally! HOORAY!) so what I'm wondering, is it possible to loose the same amount of weight as I'm gaining in muscle? It's a little odd - I didn't think it would be even like that. <BR> <BR> But I'm THRILLED to see progress in my VERY stubborn tummy! <em>9</em> I am so sick of having a poochy tummy. :) And since I lost the baby, it's been a painful re... Sun, 8 Jun 2014 20:03:03 EST Feeling a little sad We took my inlaws grocery shopping today, which was an eye opener. The cart was full of alot of junk. Stuff that not to long ago would have been our cart. Cookies, chips, over processed rice and flour. <BR> I was amazed to see how the small changes we have made over the last 3 years have really added up. I felt sad that although I did suggest healthier alternatives, (brown rice instead of white, for example ) they had no interest. Oh well. I certainly can't force them. Sat, 7 Jun 2014 15:44:30 EST I had a really nice day A couple of my family's friends were in the city today. Normally, we'd have gotten together, eaten at some expensive and not healthy restaurant, or gone for frappechinos or something. <BR> None of us had the money for that, so we decided to get food from Walgreens (NOT the cheapest option, but we were low on time) and have a picnic in Grant Park. We had a BLAST. It was so nice out! The kids got to run around, we all got some fresh air, and we had a picnic with sandwiches and fruit and ve... Fri, 6 Jun 2014 00:45:32 EST What am I hiding from? I read somewhere that sometimes people use their weight to hide from things or to protect themselves. It was something that resonated with me, so I'm going to explore it here. <BR> What am I protecting myself from? Eesh, just typing that question is making me tense. <BR> I don't want to look like a fool. Trying to do things and finding there's no way in hell I can do them. LOOKING weird. One thing a "friend" (someone who I thought was a friend, and turned out not to be) once said rea... Thu, 5 Jun 2014 02:12:09 EST Lots of time in the car We spent a lot of time in the car today picking up my best friend from the airport. It was far longer than I planned, so I didn't manage my run, AGAIN. I'm beginning to think if I want to be running and training for the 5K, I need to get my butt up and out earlier. It just doesn't seem to be happening otherwise, and I don't want to leave my training to chance. <BR> Boy did it feel AWESOME to do some yoga today! Got to unkink everything, get it all back in alignment, and just RELAX. I wou... Wed, 4 Jun 2014 02:06:02 EST Since you asked. .. A couple people asked what my hubby and I had for dinner that was a day's worth of calories. We went to TGI Fridays and split a sizzling shrimp and chicken with mashed potatoes, I had a cup of cheddar broccoli soup, and we split the Tennessee Whiskey cake. <BR> I knew the calorie counts would be high, but I figured splitting it would have helped, but it was still really high! Ouch! Sat, 31 May 2014 22:44:26 EST huge portions I went out for dinner with my husband today. just ate a days worth of calories in one meal. And that is with my husband and I splitting everything - the appetizer, entree, and dessert. <BR> I had the room for it, since I was active today, but was shocks me is how many calories I would have had if I had eaten a full entrée and dessert by myself, as many people do. <BR> Wow. My meal - 1meal! Would have topped out at over 2,000 calories! And we wonder why most of us are fat!! We as a so... Sat, 31 May 2014 21:49:21 EST today's blog So my foot is healing. I walked about 3 miles today, and it aches only occasionally. I didn't think I wanted to push it by running, though I definitely miss it. <BR> Tomorrow my husband and I are planning to go hiking. I can't wait! I totally need some time in nature! After that, we'll stop at my moms and pick up the champagne. It's left from our 1 year anniversary, so that's kind of cool. <BR> The hotel has a pool, so there will be LARGE amounts of swimming! I can't WAIT! <BR> T... Sat, 31 May 2014 02:11:40 EST On the horizon My foot is doing better today. I still haven't done day 3 of week run for my running program though. I'm thinking I'll do my 1.5 mile walk tomorrow, and if I'm still ok, I'll try a run either tomorrow night or Sat morning before my husband & I go to the hotel. <BR> We're having a get away for our anniversary. Our anniversary is the 4th, and our friends & family have all pitched in to give us a great day/night out. My mom paid for the hotel, one of my besties lent us her car, and my inlaws... Fri, 30 May 2014 02:45:26 EST Choices So following the holiday, we have tons of sweet, sugary desserts. Cake, ice cream, sherbet, cookies. All of it. <BR> So today after dinner, I wanted something sweet. I am so proud of myself - I actually WANTED a smoothie. I wanted fruit. I even looked at the cake, and decided it sounded kind of yucky. YUCKY. Me, about CAKE. <BR> I was reading one of the spark articles, and it was saying that you can eat your favorite treats, in moderation. What it didn't say is what I've found to ... Thu, 29 May 2014 00:04:55 EST OW! #$%^&&&^%*&* I am REALLY hoping my toe isn't broken. I was doing something at the kitchen sink this morning, and I felt a crack. In my middle toe on my right foot. It felt kind of when I had a joint hyperextend a few months ago. So I didn't think a whole lot of it. It had a dull ache, but that was it. I could walk okay. <BR> I was on my way back up the steps to my home carrying my son after dinner when suddenly I had alot of pain in that area again. It suddenly felt like I'm walking on bone. I nea... Wed, 28 May 2014 00:18:46 EST Reviewing the challenges of our new home <img src=""> <BR> <BR> We are fairly settled into our new home. In regards to unpacking, the master bedroom and the living room needs to be finished. <BR> <BR> The hard part is now building a routine that works for us. The "us" however, is now 7 people. While my husband and I are only responsible for us and our son, we're facing the difficulty of 7 people eating, so when we buy ingredients for meals, sometimes they get eaten befor... Mon, 26 May 2014 02:39:32 EST The long weekend So far it has been a great weekend. I'm exhausted, but as I sat down here listening to some quiet music and catching up on spark and some email, I realized what I have been missing the last few days - alone time. It's been go-go-go-go since the end of last week. <BR> <BR> You see, one of my besties is out of town, and was generous enough to lend us a car. Having a car generally means we do lots of things we normally can't - spend extra time with my family, take care of errands out by her... Mon, 26 May 2014 01:18:27 EST Determination! Today Grandma watched Nate, and Chris and I went to a movie, since we had a car. :D We also ended up stopping at the dollar store, and hitting steak n shake for dinner. So basically, the middle of the day, while fun, involved eating lots of crap. Which I'm STILL feeling. UGH. I got back on track when I got home but I still feel crappy. :( I'm in calories still, but my tummy is NOT happy. <BR> <BR> I signed up for a 5k! It's an at-night-race called the Blacklight Run. So I started ... Thu, 22 May 2014 00:01:16 EST Today So my day, once again, was a bit unplanned. I didn't get up to run in the am, before it got hot. I figured I'd run at dusk. No, that didn't happen. I ended up not running because we were out before it stormed, and then when I got home and WOULD have been able to, it was starting to storm. So that was a bust. <BR> I also haven't done my st, which I don't have an excuse for since the machine is the room over from mine. Maybe I'll still go do that before bed. I don't know. <BR> <BR> ... Wed, 21 May 2014 00:23:24 EST Oh my goodness. I walked 6.20 miles today. And I did it without really thinking about getting my steps today. I certainly got them! And THEN some! Probably because of that, I was really hungry. I was in range again today. This makes 4 or 5 days; I have to check. <BR> I'm feeling really good lately! I have been WAY more active - to the point where I have a 1,500 fitness minute award today! <em>208</em> I'm going to probably do my running tomorrow; I still haven't done it. It was supposed to be t... Mon, 19 May 2014 23:48:45 EST I'm so Tired!!! So today was supposed to be a running day. <em>363</em> Yea, no. It so is not happening. I am POOPED! Let's see, I worked in the garden for 2 hours with my son and father in law. Nate was SO cute! He was an absolute MESS by the time we were done, but he had a blast. <BR> I pulled some fresh mint that I still have to wash and do stuff with. I'll probably dry some for tea, and set some aside for dinner. Right now, I'm too tired. I'll tackle it before bed. <BR> Then I did my st... Sun, 18 May 2014 21:14:50 EST day 3 Working hard! I did a 30 min yoga dvd tosay, and did my 1.5 mile walk today. It was good to have my walking buddy back! <BR> Today is day 3 of being in calories! ! I also got my water! I had a very good day. Sat, 17 May 2014 22:58:12 EST I am PISSED! So I did my measurements today. And I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't done them since Nov of last year. Almost EVERYTHING went up - I had 2 places that went down, and that's IT. I'm SO mad at myself. I knew I hadn't done the best, that I had let things slide, but This was RIDICULOUS. I am so angry, and so disappointed. <BR> <BR> So I ran. I put on my gym shoes and I pounded the pavement. I only went a block, cause I'm going to be walking 2 miles here in a little bit, but it felt g... Fri, 16 May 2014 19:30:26 EST Fruit Vs. Ice cream I asked my husband to make us a smoothie for desert tonight, and I said that I really liked doing that - having some kind of fruit for desert. And he asked me if I liked it better than the ice cream we have. I really thought about it for a moment, then said yes. How's that for wild? I've come to love the frozen fruit creations we have better than regular ice cream! Though I will say that frozen yogurt, and especially the frozen soy yogurt tend to still win out. <BR> I'm really happy wi... Thu, 15 May 2014 21:59:40 EST Girls Night Out, and the rest of the day My walking partner bailed on me today. I was going to walk without her in the morning at first, then I realized I had to walk 2 miles anyway today. I considered doing both, but since my ankle was hurting yesterday, I decided against it. I also was meeting some friends at the mall, and was expecting that we'd do some walking. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. <BR> <BR> We went to the mall, got dinner, and then chatted the whole time. I don't think any of us wanted to get up. But it wa... Thu, 15 May 2014 01:07:50 EST Mixed bag I think I'll name this after I write it, I don't know what to call it yet. <BR> Heath wise, it's been a good day. <BR> I'm about 300 low on calories with the activity I did. Most of what I had was pretty healthy. I got about 2 miles of walking in today. I want to do some yoga tonight, but my ankle hurts, so I'm not sure I'll do that tonight. Today was originally a ST day, but i did that last night instead, so I settled for just walking. <BR> <BR> Emotionally, I've been a yoyo. Couldn... Wed, 14 May 2014 00:07:56 EST another food I can no longer eat Stovetop stuffing. I used to love it. I had it tonight with dinner and it left a greasy taste in my mouth. Not so good. So I think that's another food to cross off my list. This is kind of a hard process to deal with. I mean, it's a good thing, but it's sad to see my list of favorite foods become things I can no longer enjoy. I do know it's good that my body wants healthier foods, but they were things I loved. It makes me sad. :( <BR> I keep wondering if there are any of my favorit... Mon, 12 May 2014 23:05:14 EST Random Musings I'm squeezing this in just before midnight to count for my challenge. I am under on my calories, and I'm full, so I think it's going to stay that way! I have eaten a decent amount of processed foods today though, and I've felt kinda bleh for it. I've not been trying to eat cleaner yet, though that is on the list of what I want to do on this journey. So far it's been happening bit by bit, just not intentionally. <BR> <BR> That's the big thing for today. I walked another 1.5 miles toda... Sat, 10 May 2014 00:43:53 EST I did lots! So I've done TONS today. Had a great day. I did yoga this morning, then again this afternoon, I walked 1.5 miles with my workout buddy, ran around with the dog, and did some gardening. <BR> <BR> It should have come to no shock to me that even after my healthy dinner & desert, I was hungry an hour later. Like OMG I SO need to eat hungry. What shocked me is that I had the CALORIES for it! I burned off way more than I thought I did today! <BR> <BR> So even after my oops of a lunch (1,... Fri, 9 May 2014 00:53:15 EST oops! I goofed. Had lunch out with my husband and his brother. It was DELISIOUS! Cheeseburger with Mushrooms, and a chocolate malt. I knew the malt was gonna be high, but I figured I still had room. However, the burger was the same amount of calories as the shake. OOPS. 1,200 calories later... <BR> I have about 200 calories left for the rest of the day, if I want to hit my low end, which is the goal. I'll see what I can come up with. <BR> <BR> At least there's only 1 more meal to go, I ... Thu, 8 May 2014 16:59:34 EST A little over I'm a little over today. I had a craving for potato chips, which was so odd for me. (I usually want sweet stuff) so I went ahead and had a serving. <BR> I have a workout buddy! We're going to walk 2 miles a day, 3 times a week. My usual walk is 2 miles, so one walk isn't a stretch for me, but it will be for her. However, I've never been that consistant, so that will be my challenge. We made a time for our walk and everything. 11 am. The other 2 days a week, we're supposed to be doin... Thu, 8 May 2014 00:57:49 EST The day in review Yes, another blog from me. I seem to be writing a storm today! <BR> <BR> So I got up, had a healthy breakfast (smoothie) did a good 20 minutes of yoga (yea!) Lunch was good. My work thing was not so good. I drank alot of calories today, and not healthy ones. <BR> Dinner was healthy. and when we were done I was craving desert. Wasn't overly hungry, but I was low on fruit. I was a little over on calories, so I finally decided to be ok with the over as long as it was healthy, so I aske... Tue, 6 May 2014 00:19:14 EST My vision Doing alot of work today! <BR> <BR> INSPIRATION <em>437</em> <BR> <BR> <BR> What do I want my life to look like in (1, 5 or 10) years? <BR> I want to be healthy, emotionally and physically. I want to be active, and able to keep up with my son. <BR> <BR> What would my ideal days look like? <BR> I want to be teaching my son (and myself!) to question things, to explore, to be unafraid of new things. I want to get up, and do stretching, and yoga. I want to do some kind of work that h... Mon, 5 May 2014 02:52:12 EST Why I'm not motivated One of the articles on Spark suggested writing - free writing, with no sensor - why I'm having trouble with an aspect of my healthy journey. My big one has always been motivation. So here goes. Be gentle when you respond please if you choose to!!! <BR> <BR> When I get upset, I eat. it's comforting. It makes me feel better, so I choose to eat. Fixing this? Keep things that do comfort me, like a book, or crocheting, close at hand. <BR> <BR> The things that we have are high in carbs and ... Mon, 5 May 2014 02:13:47 EST I fought the carrot cake, and the carrot cake LOST! <em>4</em> We have carrot cake in the house. Yummy, delicious carrot cake with buttermilk frosting. YUM. One of my favorites. I got myself a glass of water, and I wanted a snack. Right there in front was the carrot cake. I pulled out a place, pulled out the cake, and went for a fork. <BR> <BR> <em>227</em> Then I stopped. I remembered looking at my calorie count after dinner and being just a hair over. I added my biking for the day and I was fine. I remember the last time I t... Mon, 5 May 2014 00:35:08 EST tired of tracking and everything I am really tired of tracking. Tracking, worrying about calories, forcing myself to drink water. This one still won't click with me. I can do tea, but I'm not a water fan. <BR> I have seem some progress, so I'm not sure why I'm so aggregated tonight. <BR> I guess cause I can't seem to get past the 210s. I keep going back up and sown. I briefly was 198 after my son was born, but I couldn't maintain it. <BR> I just want to stop spinning my wheels. It wouldn't be so bad if I seemed to be get... Thu, 1 May 2014 18:48:50 EST The move is finished Life can now begin to find a rhythm again. We turned the keys in to the complex today, so that is done. A good chunk of the unpacking is done. Both bedrooms resemble rooms! Not just box piles. :) Yea! <BR> So now we can begin to settle things down. There a few more business things that need to be taken care of, like applying for LINK and reapplying for unemployment (in a couple of weeks), but for the most part we can breathe again. Now it's just back to the business of finding work f... Thu, 1 May 2014 01:28:09 EST Stress Journal #5 It's been hard getting everything settled down. We're unpacking, wrapping things up at the apartment, getting the baby used to his new room, trying to jigsaw everyone's schedules together... <BR> It's been stressful. But not as bad as I expected. I'm hoping tomorrow it will be nice enough to go outside and do some yoga out there; I could use some good grounding. :) Tue, 29 Apr 2014 00:25:32 EST Voices in my head Lots to say today. So the move is almost done. There's a little bit of stuff left at the apartment. We were all too tired last night to finish; we moved stuff till about 10pm. And today, we woke up and we were all so stiff and sore, so it was mostly a unpacking day. Hubby and my father in law went over there and did another load, but there's STILL more. (!) <BR> I put the crib together yesterday. That was a real experience. I have only put together one other piece of furniture in my l... Mon, 28 Apr 2014 01:40:41 EST Tomorrow's it So tomorrow's the big day. We're almost entirely packed up. The plan tomorrow is my father is coming over, him and my hubby will load the car, and dad, my son, and I will take the first load over to our new home. That way Nate can stay with his grandma while I start unpacking with my father in law. <BR> We have a red room! :) <img src=""> That's about the right color. <BR> <BR> I'll post picture when it's ready! Sat, 26 Apr 2014 00:15:59 EST Spark diet I found the original sparkdiet page again.. I realized, I never got outside of week 1 with this. Maybe that's why I keep faltering. I feel stuck. Because I HAVE been stuck. So here's to week 2! 3 years later. LOL. Fri, 25 Apr 2014 00:17:09 EST