AUTUMNHOPE's SparkPeople Blog AUTUMNHOPE's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Thank you dear friends Just a note to say THANK YOU for all your encouragement & out pouring of well wishes. i am in a very difficult place in my life. I'm being tested in many ways daily & feel like I'm being defeated more than not. <BR> Then God blesses me with such kind outpouring from friends I haven't given to in so long. <BR> <BR> Your kind words mean more than you'll ever know <em>304</em> <em>223</em> <em>214</em> Mon, 17 Feb 2014 20:09:56 EST Update for my dear Spark friends Howdy all ! <BR> <BR> Yes, I am still alive ! Again , as I've apologized before, Sorry for the lack of communication & support to you all. I think of my great community of friends often. <BR> Ds is still transitioning to a home. So lots going on there, besides dealing with his behaviors daily. Work & some personal issues have me out straight. I have NO free time to Spark or anything else for that matter. All I can do is balance what I have to the BEST I can . I've dealt with some pretty... Sun, 16 Feb 2014 19:21:32 EST Feel like I'm in a traffic circle & can't figure how to get off I just saw my blog before last titled, "Struggling With Food." I should have that as a tattoo . <BR> <BR> Just kiddin' <em>4</em> <em>24</em> <BR> <BR> Have done okay this week. Some times good,other times eating these darn carbs. I even binge on healthy ones.Which aren't so healthy in excess. Excess, that's a good word to describe my craving/ eating times. <BR> I eat until I feel full & felt I got my craving fix, but realize 15min. later I have ate/ gorged until I'm very... Sat, 30 Nov 2013 19:26:47 EST This weeks check in to stay accountable As you who've read my recent blogs know since starting back at work several weeks ago I've struggled with carb cravings & binges again. <BR> I was really moving back up the scale quickly with this behavior, but couldn't seem to get a handle on it. So I blogged. ALL your support & empathy really helped me. <BR> One comment told me that I just need to resist & the cravings will get better. That I'll feel better the next day because of it. <BR> She was right ! I haven't been perfect, but M... Sat, 23 Nov 2013 09:44:40 EST Struggling with food Hey everyone <em>213</em> <BR> Thought I'd do a quick blog to release some disappointment & frustration I'm feeling. I've gained FOUR pounds so far this week ! Can you believe that , & that's with exercise & eating right during the day ! Imagine if I didn't !!!!!!!!!! <BR> <BR> It frustrates me how EASILY I can gain weight, but what a struggle it is for me to lose. I'm sure most of you have felt this way at some point. <BR> <BR> I am back to eating processed snacks(chips) every... Fri, 15 Nov 2013 05:05:40 EST Who are you ? Toady a wonderful person & Spark friend sent me a link to Jason Gray's song Remind Me Who I am. <BR> <em>250</em> song ! <em>304</em> <em>335</em> <BR> <BR> It got me thinking I AM beloved in Gods eyes. No matter what I am going through or how I feel I am still loved , it also brought to mind the question ... <BR> <BR> Who Am I ? I live as a caregiver & mother of a special needs person with mental illness & most days the mental illness swallows me up & I'm ... Sun, 10 Nov 2013 15:32:35 EST Update on my journey 11/9/13 Hey Spark Friends <em>213</em> <BR> <BR> A LONG week for me. DS is having great difficulty.We've slightly changed meds a couple times recently with short lived success. I couldn't get him on the bus one day this week. I've had to pick him up from his program a couple times because he wouldn't board the bus. <BR> He received a couple ones 1-10 one being the worst behavior <BR> He's challenging me at every request in the mornings. Put on your socks, for instance. His response is 'I D... Sat, 9 Nov 2013 23:11:15 EST 10-27-13 update for my Spark friends Well, work HAS been a challenge. I'm back in the swing of things, but last week was REALLY challenging with a bad cold, but I managed work & my workouts, so i was proud of myself for that.We were three people down daily so that means you have to work at least double as hard EACH day. Difficult, especially when you're sick, but I got through it. <BR> Employees are calling out & quitting so the boss is doing some massive hiring ! <BR> <BR> I've continued to have BIG difficulties in the eat... Sun, 27 Oct 2013 21:53:25 EST An update for my Spark friends Seeing time is limited during the week I wanted to update my Spark friends on the past couple weeks. <BR> <BR> I am back at work. 8:00- 3:00. Up at 4:10 ,put DS on bus at 7:20 & off to work. I am fitting a 20 -30 min. workout in at this time , as well as taking a few moments with my Lord. <BR> <BR> I have been welcomed back with open arms. Customers , too. How nice it feels hearing, "it's good to have you back." So kind of people & makes me feel liked & needed. <BR> My managers boss a... Sun, 13 Oct 2013 16:10:34 EST My Catharsis I am writing this as more of a cathartic expression than anything. I have been on a roller coaster of weight loss & binges since Feb. I played around with the thought of weight loss halfheartedly many times before that & failed/quit quickly. This time I did not quit. Started at 211 & am 192 as of today. Not a record breaking loss at this point, but a loss all the same. <BR> <BR> What has happened this week is the reason I blogged. For the first time I can remember in my life I felt in con... Sun, 29 Sep 2013 15:13:37 EST Need some advice Okay, two good days so I return to Sparking a bit more frequently as long as things remain this way. <BR> Even with ALL the stress I stayed on plan & was down to my lowest 192 last week. Since he started improving it's like my bingeing has returned! The better he's doing the more I'm shoveling in my mouth ! At first I didn't worry too much because I had dealt with A LOT of stress , but now it's like I'm back to being out of control with binges again. I've done it for several days now & I'm... Wed, 18 Sep 2013 21:00:02 EST An update for my Spark friends Hello everyone <em>213</em> <BR> First let me <em>304</em> for all the kind words of support, goodies & being kind enough to take of your own precious time to support me or reach out to help me feel less alone. <BR> <BR> You may never know how much just a quick hello, I'm thinking of you meant. Or Bible verses left , to lift my spirits. I have dealt with the pain of physical illness in those I love, as MANY of you have. My brother was in a car accident at 19, was in a coma for so... Tue, 17 Sep 2013 08:46:00 EST Not goodbye , but see you soon to my Spark friends As I stated in my status, DS will be starting his program Tues. I will start back at work a week later as long as he transitions well. <BR> He is doing okay at the moment, far from perfect, but it's hard to balance being able to function & being medicated enough to hold back the Bi-polar. I am hopeful , though & putting our fate in Gods hands because this whole thing has been bigger than me for a long time now. <BR> <BR> I have much to attend to before he starts next week . I'm gonna tr... Wed, 28 Aug 2013 16:15:09 EST Me Time (with photos) Well my DS(autistic /bi-polar) went off with his aide today. He seemed excited which made me glad for him that he was able to experience a positive emotion today. He chose , The Lone Ranger & Pizza Hut after. When he told me he wanted to see the Lone Ranger I instantly started Duddlunt, duddalunt , duddlelunt da da da lunt da da daduddle dunt ! As I rode my invisible Silver around the kitchen ! <em>224</em> <BR> <BR> He yelled , NO , Ma ! you can't do that ! <em>234</em> <BR> Okay ,... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 17:16:41 EST Sharing a short Irish blessing this Sunday <em>137</em> <em>137</em> <em>137</em> <em>137</em> <em>137</em> <em>137</em> <BR> <BR> May God grant you always... <BR> A sunbeam to warm you, <em>67</em> <BR> a moonbeam to charm you, <em>31</em> <BR> a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you <em>188</em> <BR> Laughter to cheer you, <em>246</em> <BR> faithful friends near you . <em>220</em> <BR> And whenever you pray , Heaven to hear you <em>458</em> <BR> <BR> Thank you God for my suppo... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 10:20:09 EST The blessings of pink skies at night What a blessing of an evening I had. I was able to spend time with my brother from Florida & my nephew whom I hadn't seen in about two years . <BR> <BR> My DS did really well ! He brought a chair out to the kitchen with us , instead of sitting in front of the TV in the living room by himself. He wanted to be part of things. He was calm & well behaved.( if any reading don't know me , my DS is Autistic & has Bi-polar / OCD) <BR> <BR> Then we came home & they all came over here to... Mon, 22 Jul 2013 21:47:23 EST Not a public blog, for my Spark friend, Dachelle(can offer support,though) I know you're doubting yourself a bit .Just wanted to send you some inspiration to help motivate you in the start of your new goals. <BR> <BR> I know <em>306</em> You ARE the mighty Hula Hoop Queen !! <BR> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <BR> Remember how you felt in the beginning. Then remember the girl on the top of that mountain <BR> Do you think you can work up to running a 5K now ?... Sun, 21 Jul 2013 08:15:57 EST Reflecting on my actions this week Did really good today staying active, getting in extra movement besides my workout to burn cals. <BR> Ate a little more in snack cals than I usually would , but ended the day within range. Put my son to bed. Was winding down & getting ready to end the day myself, but I kept getting a strong nagging feeling to eat. S upper was at 5:30 this was 9:30. I felt it was hunger & chose 1/2 apple w/tsp PB, then cottage cheese with cinnamon. I thought that would be the end of it , but I piled on a few ... Sun, 30 Jun 2013 22:57:36 EST De Ja Vu Up , down , up , down. I hate the way I am inconsistent with my eating plan/ will power. Had a couple negative eating moments this week. Turned it around with sticking to my nutrition plan & some good workouts. <BR> Then BAM! DE JA VU ! Today I bought a bag of chips , just to have as a portion controlled side, I told myself ! <BR> Right <em>100</em> I had the side & almost the entire bag 2 hours later ! That brought out the carb monster <em>333</em> which led to the sugar monster j... Thu, 27 Jun 2013 17:43:04 EST Try , try ... AGAIN The same 5 lbs. Yesterday I blogged because I had a binge the day before & I hadn't done that in weeks. I did refocus. I didn't beat myself up or mope around like someone had died. I took a friends advise & just planned a healthy day & didn't look to the scale at all yesterday. <BR> <BR> I did well, all day, until last night. I ate my dinner about 5:00 & did well with cals, but I ended up staying up way too late which I never used to do & it's becoming a habit & not a good one.I think having no chores to... Tue, 25 Jun 2013 06:48:07 EST Haven't binged in weeks... until TONIGHT ! I was concerned yesterday because I knew I was going to a family outing today.I knew there were no healthy options. i found out exactly(brands etc.) what was being served. Cut cals slightly earlier in day & tracked what I'd eat at the outing. I did this perfectly, BUT when I got home I went on an all out binge. I could've made worse choices, but I downed a lot of cals ! about 600 I think ARRGGGHH! <BR> In the moment I was beginning to binge I thought of blogging, but I couldn't seem to stop... Sun, 23 Jun 2013 20:22:58 EST A message to my personal spark friends Today I met with some people that interviewed me & DS.It's hard to interview him. Lack of communication . They see if his needs are being met by the worker that comes & if he's happy, etc. <BR> they recommended that if it's even a possibility that I might put my DS in a residential home in the future I should get him on the waiting list , because it may take a long time. They said if a spot became available I could refuse it if I chose to , but still keep him on the list & each time they'd... Wed, 19 Jun 2013 21:25:54 EST Blogging my feelings#2 Well, the day has been a good one all in all. No outbursts or acts of anger & control. There's always testing & defiance, but it was at a minimum today. Thanks be to God & his mercies on his doubting daughter. This is a faith battle. I'm sure the devil knows how weak I am & loves when I start drowning in the black hole & see no way out.Then God reminds me he's there through people like my Spark friends who lift me up, help me refocus & share their beautiful songs to remind me we ALL have our... Tue, 18 Jun 2013 20:08:20 EST Blogging my feelings for myself I have cared for loved ones through their death. Dealt with years of not knowing if my son would survive . Countless Dr. visits & hospital stays. the pain of seeing your child suffer. Sitting back & watching as friends & their children made play dates , shared birthdays & holidays while I watched from afar , just glimpsed it because my child couldn't attend the functions & interact without scaring the other children. Learning what an Autistic was ,spending hours doing therapies.Had so many ni... Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:22:08 EST Pictures for my personal Spark friends I told you I would & I found a way to do it I could afford, so here they are. <BR> They are in my photo gallery. <BR> AARRRRRGGHHH! I HATE to see pictures of myself , especially SO fat <em>15</em> <BR> Oh well I guess I'm less fat than when I started. I hope you're proud of me for being brave. Very few pictures of me exist, because I don't like to see myself. <em>32</em> <BR> <BR> I wanted to share some of my beautiful family, too. <em>30</em> <BR> <BR> I am 5'3, ash... Fri, 14 Jun 2013 18:34:24 EST EMOTICON & GOODIES GETTING OLDwhat's your vote? I LOVE using the Spark goodies to cheer on people & support friends. I think most of us love to add the happy faces , etc. I've been on this site for awhile now & even before my newest start date & they haven't seemed to change much. <BR> <BR> I vote that The Spark Staff let us Sparkers suggest some new emoticons & goodies. They can pick a few, then post them & have the Sparkers vote on the best ones. Add 10-20 more or something . to keep it fresh & fun <BR> <BR> What do you think <em... Wed, 12 Jun 2013 08:28:05 EST Seeing beyond the scale Spark coach challenged me to blog about ways I see improvement that don't involve the scale. <BR> <BR> Before I started this journey with spark People the scale was the only real measure of success to me. If I had a slip up I saw myself as a failure & quit. If there weren't slip ups ,but no scale movement I quit.All or nothing. <BR> Now, <BR> one of the biggest measures to my success is not seeing myself as a failure. Seeing this experience as a learning tool & a journey instead of a d... Fri, 7 Jun 2013 14:04:26 EST June 4th Blogging my difficulty to release the negative energy. I'm sorry that so much of my blogging is not inspiring & helpful like some of yours. I know hearing of my repeatative struggles helps no one , but myself. <BR> I do believe this is the biggest reason for my binges & I know this leads to my severe depression episodes & anxiety. Blogging seems to help as a stress helper. <BR> <BR> Tonight my DS had an episode that lasted about 2 hours & the focus was on me. It is intense, wearing, emo... Tue, 4 Jun 2013 21:33:25 EST Gods Birthday Gift I need to take a moment before I go about my day to share. <BR> <BR> I've written many times now regarding my Autistic , Bi-Polar 21 year old son & how difficult it has been. <BR> He is moody, almost constantly. Negative & defying a lot. Comes with this illness. We started on a new level of meds the other day. Tired , but not much of a change, even though I TRY to focus on the positive. <BR> <BR> My son awoke hours ago . He has been smiling, laughing & following directions without ... Mon, 3 Jun 2013 10:19:48 EST Inspiring Just wanted to share. MATTEROFHEART recommended reading NILLAPEPSI'S blog the other day. I did & was glad I did. <BR> NILLA has a blog today that is so inspiring & i wanted my other Spark friends & Spark people to see it if they have a chance. This woman is priceless. Mon, 3 Jun 2013 09:06:00 EST Updating my goals This is my challenge today from Spark People & my friend , MYSHEL also brought June's goals to mind with her blog. <BR> As i expressed to her , I don't like making goals, because I always seem to come up short, but I do need to challenge myself to get out of my binging rut & keep the scale moving down from my lapses. <BR> So today on my Spark Page I'm changing some , keeping some & adding a couple. <BR> ... Sun, 2 Jun 2013 09:22:33 EST Update for my Spark Friends May 31 Appt went well. Dr has gone up another pill 2x daily. That's a moderate increase for this med. With this increase he's at a high low end to low medium dose daily. there's still room to tweak the levels. He's asleep now , because it makes him tired <BR> <em>102</em> <BR> <BR> The drowsiness wears off with time in his system. I hate giving him meds, but I saw there was no other o... Fri, 31 May 2013 13:35:51 EST Check in #2 May 30th Proof I'm changing Okay, Check in #1 I was really down. My son has gone to bed on a good note. <BR> <BR> I never had anyone to support me before. I was searching the site & my Spark Pal, MSHEL sent me a message of support. What it means to someone when you feel so alone in this world of mental illness to have someone let you know you aren't a failure & you aren't alone. <BR> I decided to take her advice, I did the wrong thing earlier, but do the right thing now. Usually an episode like I dealt with has me ... Thu, 30 May 2013 21:02:29 EST Check in May 30th <em>198</em> This is me right now. I HATE being negative. I'm a naturally cup half full girl, but not today & less lately. <BR> <BR> I ate around 2000 cals today & I just got done chopping 2lbs. I put on from the other days binge. I feel so ashamed of myself. I could be in the low 190's if I would stop this . I know that's not the healthy outlook, but who else keeps repeating this behavior over & over & over. <em>42</em> <BR> <BR> I'm feeling a bit lost & afraid tonight. My son ha... Thu, 30 May 2013 19:22:41 EST Journal ? My Spark team said I could go to my journal & write about my stressors. I messaged the leader & she directed me to my Spark Start Page, go to MY Trackers then planner & there's a journal ! Who knew? Obviously not me. Just sharing incase I'm not the only one unaware. <BR> <em>195</em> Wed, 29 May 2013 21:10:01 EST Stress Busting Challenge #1 I've joined a stress relief team. I believe helping this area may be the key to helping me move past binging. I also believe it can help my health. I know this constant underlying anxiety takes a toll on me in several ways. <BR> <BR> The goal is to journal stressors this week. How strong they feel & how I respond to them. <BR> <BR> So I start with the beginning of the day. As I wake up I'm a 6-7 dreading what's to come in my day. Not knowing who I'm gonna see this morning. The okay so... Wed, 29 May 2013 06:34:38 EST Another setback Does anyone have the kinda days where your thoughts seemed to be weighed down by a heavy fog you just can't lift ? I've suffered from depression & anxiety all my life , but reflecting back there were a lot of reasons to have these emotions. <BR> <BR> What my son has been going through the past two years really has worn on me, though. Lately his bi - polar symptoms have returned, he's constantly moody, negative.I can't take a break from it because of his Autism. He needs constant supervisio... Tue, 28 May 2013 07:54:25 EST Reflecting on my weekly weigh in Felt a little twinge of pain & disappointment in myself as I glanced at the scale this morning & saw I was up a 1/2lb. for the week. Started the negative self talks & the woulda, coulda, shoulda, but then my new Spark mind kicked in. <BR> <BR> Yes, I'm up 1/2 a pound. My weekends are always busy , but this one was filled. I didn't get the workouts I usually do in. I ate more cals than I should've at a restaurant. <BR> HOWEVER... I did make smart menu choices. I stuck to one roll, swapped... Sun, 26 May 2013 10:26:41 EST Finding the silver lining <BR> I blogged recently about making that mental connection & did that by not giving up as I had in the past. <BR> <BR> Today I saw the real meaningful reflection of this journey. Today my son had a pretty good day. A much smaller amount of negativity & even better than that I saw that winning smile again. You know, the pudding smile (Jello commercials. ) <BR> <em>334</em>... Fri, 24 May 2013 20:47:45 EST Have you been struggling to stay on plan & feel like quitting ? Spark coach challenged me to write a positive blog. That is an EASY challenge this week. <BR> <BR> As I expressed to another member having difficulties, this is my second attempt at Spark People, because I didn't put in the work & didn't take it step by step last time. I quit when I had a hiccup in my program. The difference this time Is I viewed it as a learning tool & it's helping to change my mindset. If you've had the flu for weeks, do you feel like yourself in a day once it's gone. No... Fri, 24 May 2013 10:44:35 EST Sharing a yummy sweet treat option I saw this on Dr. Oz. I tried it today when I wanted something sweet. It's also a great way to replace that decadent ice cream craving, from time to time. I loved the taste & texture! <BR> Take one full graham cracker, break into two squares , top one with with 2 TBL. coolwhip lite,sugar free,etc. Put other square on top, wrap in plastic wrap put in the freezer until hard. <BR> about 80cals ! Also, about 4-5grams of sugar compared to 15 or more even in a Skinny Cow <BR> sandwich. <BR> <... Tue, 21 May 2013 15:11:21 EST recognizing my behaviors I had a great weigh in today. I'm really proud of the work I've put in & the mental connections I'm making. <BR> However, I wasn't able to have lunch until 1:20. Late for me . I hadn't eaten since my 7:30 B-fast. <BR> <BR> I should've taken the time for a snack, but repeated the behavior ritual of not wanting to have too many cals for just a snack , because I really wanted to enjoy lunch. I need to try & not let food be my enjoyment & reward. To break that cycle & replace it with somethi... Sun, 19 May 2013 14:46:58 EST HELP! BIG carb craving. I just got done a healthy big lunch. I'm more hungry today than usual. not sure if this is hormones or stress ? <BR> Stress level's up due to sons continued difficult behavior, due to Bi-polar. I'm nervous it's not gonna get better or it's going to escalate again. If this continues I don't know if the day program will keep him when he starts in a few weeks.That means I don't work. Haven't since late Dec. & it's been hard to afford food. Anyway... <BR> I'm having a BIG carb craving & want ... Mon, 13 May 2013 13:42:48 EST Lesson learned A+ for my day & outing. <BR> Went to a friends home for the evening 3:00 - 8:00 . I brought dinner. Planned well for that, but didn't plan to stay until 8:00 By 8:00 I had only consumed 1000cals for the day.Very low for me & brought on cravings. I had dinner there about 4:20, I should've had a snack about 7:00.Didn't get home until 9:00 Was ravenous by then. Ate too many carbs, but did pay attention to cal range. Plowed down the 600cals easily to make my high end cal range.Was still cravin... Sun, 12 May 2013 22:09:27 EST My Challenge outcome Well , I challenged myself today to an eating out task & not to dive into my sons ice cream cake. <BR> <BR> I haven't eaten any cake up to this point & I think i'm free from that temptation today. Most importantly to me. I"m VERY VERY proud of my Chinese buffet outing. I did as I planned, easily at that. <BR> <BR> I drank water before I left. I started with green tea, then a bowl of wonton soup. I had 6 cooked shrimp with cocktail sauce. three single pieces of sushi with wasabi & ended... Sun, 12 May 2013 17:54:45 EST Making myself a challenge for today & mini goal Had a weekend full of eating out & Bday party. Did very well for me. Made some concious decisions instead of going with what the cravings are telling me. Yay for me! HOWEVER, had a bit of a carb attack last night. Gave into it, but pulled out before it was a full out binge. <BR> <em>39</em> <em>41</em> <BR> <BR> Disappointed with my weigh in this morning. Was the same as last week. Know I... Sun, 12 May 2013 08:04:09 EST I was giving into the fact that I was just going to be the fat girl...maybe not For years I have focused on my weight & how to lose it. I've watched every Dr. Oz weight loss episode,bought probably 20-30 diet books, a lot of workout dvd programs/eqiptment , pills,& obsess about what I want to eat & then how to lose the fat I've packed on from what I've eaten. <BR> In other areas of my life I'm considered very strong, a leader, the person others speak to for advice. In this area I'm a mess. <BR> <BR> For the second & last time I was giving SPARK PEOPLE a shot because t... Sun, 5 May 2013 21:13:00 EST todays another day Well, yesterday I felt all of defeated. Today I felt pretty good & in control. I was very active . I logged everything I ate.Huge accomplishment. I was recommended to eat between 1250-1550 cals a day, but I raised it to 1400-1700. I have had a life long struggle with food & I usually take in 2200-3000 daily,so I feel this is a reasonable first step. <BR> I just started logging my food & haven't stayed within my calorie range yet. Usually I'd beat myself up & feel like a failure & a pig, but ... Fri, 26 Apr 2013 21:19:23 EST Riding the never ending roller coaster & wanting to get off I've had some difficult days the past week . I was feeling really defeated this morning,because AGAIN I had a late night carb attack & gave in. They seem much stronger the past few years than they used to be. I've made so many good choices , use restraint, am being much more active. I put in the time & work & over & over I ruin it with a carb binge. <BR> I like the Spark People site.I really like that they are helping me look at the emotional issues & helping to change the way my mind think... Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:52:42 EST Reasons for my weight loss SPARK COACH challenged me to Blog about the real reasons why I want to lose weight & what I want to achieve with it. <BR> I guess it's mainly how I feel about myself. Even my fat clothes aren't fitting & I'm unable to work at the moment because of my sons illness so I can't buy anymore.I found myself avoiding being seen in public. When I looked in a full body mirror I'd wince.I am as round in the front as I am in the back. Almost like a fat circle going from my lower stomach around my back... Mon, 8 Apr 2013 08:48:09 EST