AUBRETTE's SparkPeople Blog AUBRETTE's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Whatdidja get for Christmas? Fat :) I got fat! (and I regret nothing!) The me in the mirror full of vim, vigor, and chipper one-liners exercises for the sheer love of it. She likes to get coated in a gruesome slick of sweat and pant like the Hulk or some other raw and masculine super hero. She is visceral and vivid and thinks bruises are pretty. Then there is the first-person perspective of the girl peering over her vast belly and somewhat dirty sweatpants, splayed on the couch and covered in a thin dusting of food debris. She loathes and fears exercise, pref... Sun, 27 Dec 2015 16:17:59 EST What if I am just always fat and sad? 12/11/15 Biking home today, only my forth ride of the week when I usually ride ten, I thought What if this is how I am? I've been trying to lose weight since I was eight years old. I've been melancholy and prone to depression since fourteen. Maybe I will never be the cheery, slender girl I yearn to be. I think this is likely true. I won't cure cyclical depression and my body doesn't seem too eager to dip lower than 175 even at peak performance. But Sparkpeople isn't weight loss, it's healthy li... Fri, 11 Dec 2015 18:58:44 EST Depression and healthy living 12/9/15 My depression is inert. It is not so that I want to lay around motionless and numb, it is that I don't want anything. I lack. I stop. I could stop eating but I don't. I sit and push food at my face--no, not food. Ingredients. Items. Never meals, that would require care. And so I gain. Let me be clear that if I were to do the opposite, to continue my stillness by eating nothing, I would still be harming myself. If I were to lose weight due to my depression I would not be proud. Heal... Wed, 9 Dec 2015 09:48:02 EST December 7, 2015 endurance My last post was titled Breakdown Imminent. I had a few nights of ugly crying and a few zombie days of blank staring. I gained some weight and got a rash of migraines. It's not over but part of overcoming is to endure, to get through this worst part and find another side. I am doing that work now. Here are my small goals to help myself. 1) track again 2) bike to work again (need to fix up my bike so it doesn't hurt my knees, doing that this morning) 3) church again, especially because I... Mon, 7 Dec 2015 08:31:54 EST Breakdown imminent, 11/24/15 Without hyperbole I can verifiably say that I am on path to a major breakdown. Work is killing me. My depression is rearing. I am letting projects slide. I am less friendly. I am disappearing. Strangely, I have lost weight but been bingeing and not exercising. Go figure. I'm not quitting anytime soon. I need to at least fix my own fear of setting boundaries and start really protecting myself at work. If the shenanigans and depression continue then I would be happy to look elsewhere. But... Tue, 24 Nov 2015 14:46:17 EST I am angry, 11/19/2015 ($#@^#!!) I am angry. I am on a bus in public and I try not to be a d!ck in closed quarters, so I am quiet about it. But I. Am. So. Angry. I am angry with the well-meaning condescending canned "information" that I am being fed. 1) anyone overweight is obviously unhealthy and should "educate themselves" --Scientific research is unraveling our stigma against overweight people every day. Why we gain/retain weight is still a subject of hot debate. Whether that weight is patently harmful IS ALSO unclear... Thu, 19 Nov 2015 18:52:47 EST Windy has stormy eyes that flash at the sound of lies! 11/18/15 <img src=""> Gorgeous weather today, children. 25mph winds with a warm undercurrent and splashes of rain. Bluster and splatter. Puddlestomping weather. I had a bad ride Monday on my way home that left me winded with aching knees (bikes should never bug your knees, btw) so I am waiting out this weather before hopping on my Huffy Tricycle again. I got recognized for at work for automating a complex system! I get a... Wed, 18 Nov 2015 08:52:21 EST When success is as scary as failure, 11/17/15 <img src=""> November two big things. The first is National Novel Writing Month. My goal is 50,000 words in a month which means at least 1667 words a day. And for eleven days straight I was doing great. I came home and cleared off the table. I sat down after a light dinner (and the gym!) and groaned, moaned, complained but punched out the words. Then I went to bed feeling self-satisfied. I stopped writing four da... Tue, 17 Nov 2015 09:24:06 EST Morning routine, 11/12/2015 <img src=""> My alarm goes off at 6AM with a jolly, tinkling set of bells that my dead-asleep husband rarely hears. I snooze it three times before maybe turning it off. Then my fitbit buzzes at 6:30. Lately I have slept even past that, waking up at 7 or even 8. Today I got up at 6:10. I stumble to the bathroom where I sit on the toilet and scroll through Facebook while my body decides what it wants to do. Sometim... Thu, 12 Nov 2015 08:06:03 EST Down weight, 11/8/15 <img src=""> I forgot to weigh myself in the morning yesterday so I weighed myself midday with no change in weight. Then I got busy (and did a factory restart on my phone so no Spark for a day) and forgot to put in the weight. So I weighed myself this morning just to check. 190.3 lbs. I stepped on the scale a few more times to be sure. Then I remembered I usually weigh myself in my jammy pants (I was pantsless) a... Sun, 8 Nov 2015 10:47:33 EST Perspective, 11/5/2015 <img src=""> I was getting overwhelmed at work and a bit cranky. A slice of very good apricot cake with some *much* needed coffee helped, but then the stress returned as usual. Then, somehow, I got curious about black holes on my lunch break. I Read through what I could of the Wikipedia article and asked my friends what they knew. I was given a podcast to help with layman understanding of this great mystery. It m... Fri, 6 Nov 2015 09:10:15 EST Thursdays are a JOKE, 11/5/15 <img src=""> Go away Thursday, you're drunk. I don't need Thursday. Thursday doesn't serve me. Give me Friday or for God's sake just give me Saturday already. Thursday should be the end of the week, instead it is a horrible minute to minute realization that Oh God I have to go through another day of this before I get my minor weekend relief. I ran out of coffee today. Thu, 5 Nov 2015 08:46:52 EST Wednesday, what even are you? 11/4/15 <img src=""> Why don't we have midweek holidays? Four day workweek sounds solid to me. Wednesdays are just a hurdle. Novelling is going surprisingly well and yesterday I did a better arms day than I thought! I use a counterweight for the assisted pull-up (goal is to bring counterweight to zero so you are lifting your bodyweight) and I put it on 105 yesterday (means I was only lifting 90 lbs of my own weight) When... Wed, 4 Nov 2015 08:50:16 EST Cram life into every minute, 11/3/15 <img src=""> Fall back! It is clear, at least to me, that my own frenetic pace is making me sick. For my own health I need to cut down my productivity at work, which fills me with shame and fear. I feel like that dutchboy with his finger in the dam, and I feel like I just decided to walk away. I pull my hours and I get projects completed, but I take more breaks. I do fewer projects. I set work aside. It helps ... Tue, 3 Nov 2015 08:38:53 EST Upweight, Sunday November 1, 2015 <img src=""> Welp, November will be an adventure from 195 to 190. I suppose I was only kidding myself that I could skip the game, eat more junk, and still lose the weight. But to be honest, Sparkpeople fed my delusion. I bike to work. Have for years. I wore a HTC monitor and average maybe 130 bpm for the trip, that is an estimated 200 calories burned for my age, height, weight and gender. Sparkpeople agrees, so I ... Sun, 1 Nov 2015 14:49:12 EST So that didn't happen lol, 10/30/2015 <img src=""> I didn't gym last night (though I did bike) and I don't really regret it because I had the opportunity to be a good friend to someone instead. I do regret that second slice of cake at work tho!!! I don't have lunch planned so I should pick up a big ol' salad a my treat. Especially since I plan on pizza tonight and some candy tomorrow. I am looking forward to the scale tomorrow morning to see if there ... Fri, 30 Oct 2015 08:43:14 EST Look at this cute Tight End 10/29/15 <img src=""> Weekend is coming and I plan to own it. That means I need to plan these next two days carefully and stick to the plan. Late-ish night tonight with cardio at the gym after so I can sprint out early on Friday. Tonight is football and my adorable TE Jordan Cameron (not Cameron Jordan lol) is playing. I will gasp my way through some of the SparkPeople 500 calorie treadmill workout. Goal today is to comp... Thu, 29 Oct 2015 09:03:56 EST Wednesday October 28, 2015 The Day I Chose Writing for Survival <img src=""> Work boundaries are tough, yo. I don't know how the Japanese survive having an even stricter work culture than Americans but I guess the answer is that they don't. Well, if I have to work in this country with these busy standards and burn-out norms, I am going to do it on my terms! I am joining NaNoWriMo and keeping up my gym streak (*cough* streak that I broke yesterday *cough*) National Novel Wr... Wed, 28 Oct 2015 09:21:59 EST Tuesday October 27, 2015 <img src=""> I work myself sick. In December I have a doctor's appointment to confirm that (as well as to prescribe anti-nausea meds) but based on the 3AM bout of anxiety I had last night and the vague work-related nightmares that haunted my migraine, I am doing this to myself. If I was in a job interview and they asked me the cheap "What is your greatest weakness?"-type problem, I would say that I first ask wha... Tue, 27 Oct 2015 08:49:44 EST Monday October 26, 2015 <img src=""> I missed posting Sunday but at least I was no longer sick! A friend came over and made me matzo ball soup--yum! Cured all my ills. Blessed as we are in this family we still seem to have ills. Hubs is very stressed, I can tell because he talks in his sleep. I've been pulling long nights and getting sick on the weekends so I need to scale back as well. Tried the 500 calorie treadmill workout yesterd... Mon, 26 Oct 2015 08:11:40 EST Saturday October 24, 2015 <img src=""> How do you keep your calories low on a day with a pie-tasting competition? Wake up with a massive migraine and spend the day sleeping and trying to not throw up :( Monday I'm calling my doctor for an anti-nausea prescription. Sat, 24 Oct 2015 23:47:00 EST Friday October 23, 2015 <img src=""> It is Friday!! Usually this is my day off from the gym but I was a groggy silly mess after leaving work late last night so I skipped the gym. That means today is my make-up day: treadmill!! This weekend is a pie competition where I am going to bring tiny chicken liver hand pies and maybe a sweet pie that doesn't gross people out lol. I also get my meat CSA share this weekend so time to plan some cooki... Fri, 23 Oct 2015 08:54:15 EST Thursday October 22, 2015 <img src=""> Yesterday was my first junk food day. I finished my evening watching shows with my husband (learning about an awesome Steam Train game called Undertale) and realized--this is ridiculous--I only then realized *I have cupcakes and fudge in my refrigerator!* Yes I had one of eaxh, yes they were amazing. And spark people swears I am still in my calorie range (which I think is kind of high but I am aiming... Thu, 22 Oct 2015 08:44:15 EST Wednesday October 21, 2015 <img src=""> I have been pretty upbeat and smiley recently and I think it is because I got so much sleep when I was sick! I am a little concerned, though, since I oscillate between highs and lows around my period or when I am depressed. A big low could be just around the corner. I tell myself I will work through it like I always have. If I get out of work early (*only* stay an hour late) then I will take some b... Wed, 21 Oct 2015 08:32:37 EST Tuesday October 20, 2015 <img src=""> Yesterday I stayed home sick and slept, totalling 20 hrs in about 24 hours. I guess I was sick. I still got to the gym when I was feeling better and biked a little. Today I went to work and pulled a 12hr shift. Then I did a teeny bit of strength training just to keep my steak up! Now:sleep. Tue, 20 Oct 2015 23:21:59 EST Monday October 19, 2015 <img src=""> I have a big even downtown today at work. I can see it unfold right now: I put on my lovely green dress, take some dramamine, and grit through a long day of nausea and exhaustion. Or, instead, I stay home to sleep it off and try to go for a nice walk at the gym later. When I get sick it is always on Mondays which makes me wonder if it is more in my brain than my stomach. I don't want to regret no... Mon, 19 Oct 2015 08:33:54 EST Sunday October 18, 2015 <img src=""> I got real sick today. No, not a hangover. I didn't even drink last night. I had more cheese than a human should but that was more than 14 hours before I had to rush off a train to throw up in a trash can. I have terrible DOMS and so I will do a gentle yoga and then have a hot hot shower before bed. In all, I feel awful. I also lost fantasy football :( Tomorrow is a better day. Sun, 18 Oct 2015 19:38:53 EST Saturday October 17, 2015 <img src=""> The food pantry down my street, the one that operates out of my church (a church I haven't stepped foot in for some months) had a charity event last night. It was lovely and lively, with tastes and sips from around the neighborhood. The tickets were expensive already, but then the bidding came. I brought a friend just to introduce him to the fun festivities and get his ticket-price donation. But du... Sat, 17 Oct 2015 10:33:01 EST Friday October 16, 2015 Fitspo: <img src=""> On Wednesday I wanted to do barbell squats but the racks were taken, so I opted for leg press and rowing machine. I have strong legs. I bike every day to work. I have split pants with my thighs. I went way too heavy (180) on the machines, nearly my own weight. Now I am tottering around like a septugenarian penguin. I thought I had actually broken something when my pee was red this morning... Fri, 16 Oct 2015 08:56:12 EST Thursday October 15, 2015 <img src=""> I gotta warn you guys, I am super hot. I'm model-hot. I hide it nicely under a layer of winter fur and nearly 200lbs of body mass. I deflect the gaze with my belching and readiness to leave the house unshowered. But truth is I am a 5'8 blonde bombshell who is just gassy and doesn't much like shaving. Today is football which means Cardiovascular Day! I am trying to work my run game so I can escape Naz... Thu, 15 Oct 2015 08:48:23 EST Wednesday October 14, 2015 <img src=""> Yesterday I made a funny twisting motion while walking and accidentally popped *something* in my hip back into place. RESTORED! My fitspo for the day is the image of becoming a baby raptor who can cuddle Chris Pratt. I think I have to do sprints for something like that, right? I did reeeal good yesterday. It's strange, I keep waiting for the binge beast to come back. I think the challenge will be t... Wed, 14 Oct 2015 09:00:20 EST Tuesday October 13, 2015 <img src=""> Whatever you do, do it with enthusiasm. Yesterday I had a perfect day coming off a binge weekend. I under-packed for lunch but bought a good substitute. I left work early because my bike lights were drained and spent my gym time just working on hip stretches. My left psoas gives out when I try to get up from a seated position after too long :( I am gonna do some hip work all week and if it doesn't imp... Tue, 13 Oct 2015 08:32:47 EST Monday October 12, 2015 <img src=""> Healthy breakfast. After a binge weekend and a flare-up of depression I am reminded that all my binge food was awesome. I am awesome. Today I will work, gym, and sweat. I want Andrew WK's biceps. I know he got them through partying hard at the gym, so I just gotta follow auit. Mon, 12 Oct 2015 13:57:58 EST Fitspo: Sunday October 11, 2015 <img src=""> + the 500 cal bike burn Breakfast: sausage and cqke. Sun, 11 Oct 2015 13:36:39 EST Dragging myself onto the wagon Thank God the Sparkpeople bandwagon is so low to the ground and slow-moving. It means even with my hands full of treats and my body slick with grease I can still camber into the back and catch my breath around mouthfuls of pie. I'm trying this thing again. It isn't a thing, I know. It's life. I guess I'm trying life again. Fat is insulating and has been an important part of my identity. It protects me from (most) street harassment. It gives strangers a nice surprise when they find out how ac... Thu, 8 Oct 2015 00:19:12 EST Paleo diet: the stupid and the saving The philosophy behind Paleo is a load of bull. The idea is that if we revert to a lifestyle similar to our cavemen brethren (except with iPads, coconut butter and sunscreen) we will be living The Most Natural Life Possible. This is a load of crock. Biologically, humans are omnivores and historically we thrive from our adaptability. Our bodies are made to eat a variety of goods and process them for energy. Cultures have been raised on rice, grasses, meats, berries, nuts, seeds, bread fruit, wh... Sun, 2 Mar 2014 13:48:07 EST Primal (paleo) living, the first days This week I've given myself a low bar: make water go up, sugar go down, and ensure a paleo breakfast. That is plenty of leeway to nibble breads, sweets, and less-than-paelo treats throughout the day so long as I keep my sugar in check and wash it all down with clean water. <BR> <BR> Christmas Eve I invited a dear friend over and we had a primal-style dinner together with fruit for dessert and tea. We went for walks, slept in, and read poetry to each other. My boss gave my fancy coffee beans ... Sat, 28 Dec 2013 11:37:42 EST A three month depression challenge Today I had a moment where I realized, if things keep going on like this I will need to talk about medication with my doctor. I lay face-down on my bed, sobbing and wailing. I was spitting and disgusting, a gross mess of grief and depression. I heard myself making laments so deep and terrible that I was ashamed. <BR> <BR> No one has died. Nothing is wrong. In fact, my life is getting better. <BR> <BR> I'm miserable. <BR> <BR> In the shower, trying to get the snot out of my hair (it was bad... Sun, 22 Dec 2013 16:17:47 EST Preparing for the holidays The non-stop feasting is coming. I love baking and cooking for these holidays, I love hosting meals for people. I love drinking and laughing and tasting. But I have other goals in mind, too. <BR> <BR> I joined a fitness group that will meet regularly on Google Plus to weigh-in and swap information with a personal trainer. It cost me $60 and I was very reluctant to throw that money in. But the support and the personalized nutrition/fitness look promising. <BR> <BR> We officially start on Nov... Sat, 19 Oct 2013 11:00:24 EST Now for bribery It's my favorite part of Sparkpeople, the so-called "rewards" which, yes, are celebratory but c'mon. We're bribing ourselves. <BR> <BR> My classic struggle is follow-through. I think "I cheated" or "I've still got so far to go". Well no more! This is a long-distance bribe but one that I know I'll like. My friend introduced me to and boy, is it full of pretty dresses. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src="http://phot... Wed, 16 Oct 2013 09:07:51 EST When you're "trying to lose weight" and you find you've gained weight It could be any number of things. It could be that I'm still overeating, choosing high-sugar foods, simple carbs, etc. It could be that things are getting stressful around here. It could be that I've amped up my exercise and my body is responsively clinging harder to fat to stave off starvation. <BR> <BR> But when I started this weightloss journey I was sad to have been at the bottom 190s. Now I'm a solid 195 (I've weighed myself throughout the day and it isn't fluctuating). <BR> <BR> It's ... Sun, 6 Oct 2013 10:22:07 EST Steps to ending emotional eating <link><BR>er_body_fat.asp </link> <BR> <BR> I've been reading this resource on ending emotional eating and the first step is to take control and responsibility. They recommend doing this through using "I" statements when confronted with problems. So here it goes. <BR> <BR> My job's schedule leaves me exhausted and unprepared for home-cooked meals. The hours are making me either too tired or too busy to go to the gym. I end up slumped on the couch eatin... Thu, 3 Oct 2013 09:41:30 EST What it means to feel fat <img src=""> <BR> <BR> The truth is, it's in your head. <BR> <BR> The truth is, you *should* be paranoid. Because They *are* trying to brainwash you. <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> That image should be a Fitspo because Cheryl Haworth is an Olympic athlete. She is a healthy, strong, ambitious woman; what we all claim we want to be. <BR> <BR> The truth is I know a 200-lb woman... Thu, 26 Sep 2013 10:16:42 EST Watching 365 days of weight loss <link><BR>-this-insane-animated-gif-of-a-woman-l<BR>osing-88-pounds-o </link> <BR> <BR> This girl's journey is amazing. She follows a paleo diet and 80+ lbs fall off! I'm not ready to go paleo (read: bread, beans, dairy and whole grains are more important to me than looking thinner) but I love the day at a time shots. Maybe they are only a week at a time with the same clothes, but it shows. <BR> <BR> The most resounding advice she gives is that all you... Fri, 6 Sep 2013 01:23:40 EST thought exercise Take a moment and write down or upon all the thoughts that come to mind when you think about dieting or losing weight. <BR> <BR> " I'm an eater" " I'll never be thin so I have to be happy with who I am" " dieting is for schmucks" " I'm not a dieter" "I can maybe lose twenty pounds but I'll secretly always be a fatty" "I would have been scary-beautiful if I were thin." <BR> <BR> <BR> How many of those thoughts are negative? Several typical categories of thinking emerge when people rec... Wed, 4 Sep 2013 01:36:29 EST You are already beautiful Let me start by saying that I'm glad there's a shift from thin bodies to fit bodies in our beauty culture. I'm glad we have new goals of playing with our kids or running your first 5k without stopping. But I think that we still are striving to be someone we are not. We want to be somebody better, somebody who is not this person that we are right now. And that's where the trick lies: we have to be able to love who we are while striving for something more. <BR> <BR> We have to start using th... Sat, 17 Aug 2013 13:22:48 EST Strong Fat <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I'm an eater. <BR> <BR> I work hard and I eat hard. <BR> <BR> I bike six miles to work every day. Sometimes, if I can pull over for thirty minutes, I'll pop into my basement gym and do weight lifting. When I go to see my therapist that is a 15 mile round-trip, sometimes punctuated by a little crying. <BR> <BR> Today I ate an entire wedge of brie cheese. I just keep putting it into my mouth, waiting for somethin... Thu, 8 Aug 2013 21:24:58 EST Technology on my side Wins of the morning: <BR> First day in a week that I didn't wake up to my cat leaving me a dead bug in the living room (or a hairball!) <BR> Perfect weather outside <BR> Not regretting the "impulse" purchase of flowers (try to reward yourself with inedible prizes) <BR> <img src=""> <BR> Put a chocolate-covered cherry in my mouth without thinking, chewed, stopped and thought, "What the hell? I'm making breakfast, this is no time for candy!... Wed, 8 May 2013 11:49:59 EST Make good art Last night I had congee <BR> which I wish was better <BR> which I wish was a sweet date with my husband <BR> where we laughed and touched hands <BR> and asked about each other's day <BR> and lingered too late at the restaurant. <BR> <BR> Instead <BR> we had congealed rice <BR> fish skin <BR> too many peppers <BR> stomach aches. <BR> <BR> I want the food to be so good I don't have to do the work. <BR> I want the food to make the experience for me. <BR> <BR> Because sometimes it does. <BR> ... Thu, 2 May 2013 12:49:10 EST In Bloom <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Be the change you want to see in yourself. <BR> <BR> I want to be a badass cyclist. I want to enjoy my own sweat and feel gorgeous. I want to wake up early and write. I want sore abs, I want to join races, I want to live. <BR> <BR> So I'm doing it now. Today I cut off over 10 inches of hair (don't worry, I'm donating it). I biked over 7 miles north to see my therapist and then decided to donate some blood on the... Mon, 29 Apr 2013 18:56:29 EST