ASHLEIGH_BRIANA's SparkPeople Blog ASHLEIGH_BRIANA's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community (no title) Back on track, or trying to. Gained 5ish pounds when I was sick, lost a mile off my training. Ran 2 today, and ate 2 muffins instead of 1. Would have been on track if I had my willpower. Zumba tomorrow. Tired of feeling gross. Mon, 17 Sep 2012 18:51:28 EST Moving On I feel better today. I spent the morning cleaning out Kenna's dresser and mine, as well as our closet, and donated a bunch of stuff to Salvation Army. I don't know why it was bothering me so much. I know I like to control things. I think that's why this program works so well for me. Anyway, literal cleaning out of the closet made me feel a bit more motivated to tackle the day. I rocked my Zumba workout, though admittedly, I'd been debating not going, because I wanted to clean more. But there ... Sat, 18 Aug 2012 15:09:16 EST Keeping Busy I over scheduled the hell out of next week. I'm sort of regretting it. I just... I want to be busy. If I'm busy, maybe I won't think about other things. I'm trying. Friends are helping. I have good friends, even if I didn't realize it. And it's going to be okay. Fri, 17 Aug 2012 14:38:04 EST What doesn't kill you...? I think my best friend of 12 years and I have broken up for good, after the first fight we've ever had. Granted, it would have been nice if some of this nonsense had been addressed when it first occurred, rather than drug up from years ago. I don't know. I feel empty. I feel alone. I feel angry. I feel scared. I feel guilty. I feel hurt. I feel sadistic. I feel numb. I feel accepting. <BR> <BR> I wish therapy wasn't a week away... Thu, 16 Aug 2012 08:33:00 EST The Breaking of the Fellowship When the cold of winter comes <BR> Starless night will cover day <BR> In the veiling of the sun <BR> We will walk in bitter rain <BR> But in dreams <BR> I can hear your name <BR> And in dreams <BR> We will meet again <BR> When the seas and mountains fall <BR> And we come, to end of days <BR> In the dark I hear a call <BR> Calling me there, <BR> I will go there <BR> And back again Wed, 15 Aug 2012 23:16:08 EST I know that this could be more than just flashing light and sound... So, while I was in my therapy session today, which is right down the hall from Housing, they share a floor, some guy got pissed and went crazy, and he had a gun, the building was on lockdown, they evacuated everyone who wasn't on our floor. When our session was over, this lady was outside the door waiting and like pushed us back into it and said there was a situation in Housing, and we couldn't leave, but then the big scary police with rifles came and said everything was fine, but we had to t... Tue, 14 Aug 2012 17:37:59 EST "At the Bottom of Everything" - Bright Eyes Tue, 14 Aug 2012 08:35:27 EST Remembering... <img src=""> <BR> I miss you, beautiful... Happy 25th... Mon, 13 Aug 2012 21:47:37 EST Paint skylines on the lake, reflections light our eyes... It would have been Caitlin's 25th birthday on Tuesday, so I'm meeting Courtney at the lake after Kenna goes to her dad's. It's supposed to be cold and rainy all day, but then warmer and sunny tomorrow. I hope being cooped up in the cottage doesn't make me go crazy. I'll already be sad. And drinking. I know I shouldn't, but once in a blue moon, isn't it okay to let this be my therapy? For what it's worth, I tracked Summer Shandies into my nutrition tracker, and even left a little wiggle room. ... Sat, 11 Aug 2012 09:21:02 EST Hoodie Weather My breakfast pursuits took longer than anticipated, and now it's later than I meant for it to be by quite a bit. I wanted to start 5K training today, and I still can, but do I want to run outside in the the rain, or go to the gym? It is my most favorite weather out... Chilly and rainy and deliciously gray. The gym will watch Kenna, the outside run won't, and then--- <BR> <BR> *stops* <BR> <BR> I am supposed to be stressing less. I'm supposed to go with my gut. My gut says run outside. So I ... Fri, 10 Aug 2012 09:55:02 EST Acceptance My psychologist and I keep going in circles. I keep saying I'm starting to feel numb and apathetic, she says it's acceptance. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how I feel. <BR> <BR> It's not a particularly good day. Thu, 9 Aug 2012 13:08:12 EST Ramble On... I haven't updated... Things haven't been terribly busy, but for some reason, I just couldn't find the time. I was still careful about what I ate, and continued my fitness routine, even mixing things up with some hiking on Monday. But the scale showed less than .5 pounds lost. I haven't lost a full pound since mid July. I'm plateaued, and I am not entirely sure what to do about that. When I started this program, I was ahead of my goals, and now I'm behind, despite doing everything correctly, a... Wed, 8 Aug 2012 18:21:01 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #14 (And Other Things) <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My ultimate goal weight is 120. I don't know why. I mean, I do, but it's silly. 120 is what I weighed almost 6 years ago, before I got pregnant. Being at 120 would put me at a healthy BMI, and would basically "undo" the damage I did during my bedrest pregnancy. But at the same time, I know that's stupid. Reaching a certain number on the scale doesn't necessarily mean I'm healthy, nor that I will be happy. For examp... Fri, 3 Aug 2012 22:12:35 EST 10 More Minutes... I seriously need to remember that working out always makes things better. I have a giant report due today, and a final, and I'm stressed about Kenna's loose tooth, and her birthday tomorrow, and therapy later, and just so many things. I woke up late, and I wasn't going to go to the gym so I could study, and then I did a 10 minute Spark People workout for fun, and that turned into 20, and an hour later, I burned as many calories as I would have if I Zumba'd. And now I'm sweaty and gross but I ... Thu, 2 Aug 2012 10:54:25 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #13 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I would say I'm losing weight the healthy way. I'm not 100% on that, though. I know that when I track everything, I do my best to stay in my ranges, but I'm not quite at the point where I'm ready to follow their meal plans. For example, if I can make Taco Bell fit into my counts, I'm going to eat Taco Bell. It might not be healthy fat, but it's in range. Though lately, I'm going over my calories. I was consistently... Thu, 2 Aug 2012 09:27:42 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #12 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Breakfast: egg, toast, cheese, in some variety or toast, peanut butter, banana <BR> <BR> Lunch: something from the cafe, chicken pesto, turkey avocado wrap, salad <BR> <BR> Dinner: something microwaved, regrettably... Wed, 1 Aug 2012 22:24:18 EST Failure I just did the emotional eating thing for the first time since restarting this program in late June. I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I don't know why I did that. I feel disgusting. Tue, 31 Jul 2012 18:56:27 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #11 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My favorite "thinspo" blog? Ummm... <BR> <BR> I like reading the blogs on here. Does that count? <BR> <BR> I don't like this question. Tue, 31 Jul 2012 09:42:18 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #10 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I haven't... really given anything up, per se. I'm just more careful. If I know I'm going out for ice cream later, or I know I'm going to the ballpark, I just adjust my daily calories accordingly. I'm definitely not eating as MUCH as I used to, but isn't that the point? Portion control, everything in moderation, etc? <BR> <BR> Not the best answer. My brain is in a million places today. Not looking forward to later... Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:10:24 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #9 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Until I had Kenna, I'd always been pretty skinny, actually. Never worried about what I ate, never worked out per se, though I'd go for the occasional run if I was feeling upset or stressed. But then I was pregnant, and I was on bed rest, and during that nine months, I gained almost 60 pounds. Friends and family don't make comments about my weight at all, in fact, friends say things like, "You're smaller than me -and... Sun, 29 Jul 2012 10:10:00 EST Vinyasa 101 Yoga is probably the most difficult work out I have ever done. Wow. Sat, 28 Jul 2012 15:44:41 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #8 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My workout routine... <BR> <BR> On Monday, I hit Zumba Gold with my mom. And on Tuesdays, I Zumba. And on Saturdays, I Zumba. That's pretty much all I do consistently. I do have a workout buddy that I occasionally meet up with very early in the mornings for lifting/treadmill/elliptical, depending on what he's got going. But with the depression I've been battling, and the insomnia, it's hard for me to make it. So p... Sat, 28 Jul 2012 00:37:13 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #7 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Do my parents know I'm trying to lose weight? Yes. My dad is indifferent, but he's also severely overweight, and has many health complications because of it. He also refuses to change. My mom cares, and tries to accommodate my healthier eating. But she also makes it out to be a huge inconvenience, if I want to eat something that the rest of the family isn't eating. Our kitchen is small, so it's hard for us to co-ex... Fri, 27 Jul 2012 10:24:05 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #6 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Do I binge... Hmm... I mean, -sometimes.- Not really. I have this problem where once I start, it's hard to shut off. Occasionally I'll have a day where I don't track, and I'm sure I've gone over my limits. Think weekends. I know that the general rule is that if you make a mistake and eat something you shouldn't, just stop, and make better choices for the rest of the day. I can't do that. Once I start, it just goes.... Thu, 26 Jul 2012 21:38:01 EST Easier said than done, but... <img src=""> <BR> <BR> ...well worth remembering. Thu, 26 Jul 2012 20:16:57 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #5 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Why do I -really- want to lose weight? Am I doing it for me? <BR> <BR> I think these questions are stupid. I'm sure as hell not doing it for anyone else. I want to be healthier. I don't want to fall into the obese category anymore. I don't want to get winded walking up stairs. I want to have energy to chase my kiddo around. Yeah, I want to look better in a bathing suit and stuff, too. <BR> <BR> Wed, 25 Jul 2012 00:37:09 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #4 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> Greatest fears about weight loss... I mean, I suppose I'm doing it already. By focusing on a number on a scale. What happens when I get there, if I get there, and I'm still not happy with how I look. In the past month, I've lost 12 pounds, and I've been working extremely hard to get there. I'm far more aware of how much food I'm eating and when, and if I skip a workout, I feel beyond guilty. I'm trying so hard to t... Tue, 24 Jul 2012 09:18:21 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #3 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> <img src=""> <BR> <BR> I don't have a "thinspiration." Honestly, I'm probably approaching this the wrong way, and making my goal a number. I want to say that I'm content no matter what I weigh, but previous experiences have taught me that's a lie. I feel more successful watching numbers drop from a scale, rather than just feeling healthier, or having clothing f... Mon, 23 Jul 2012 01:03:26 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #2 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My height... <BR> <BR> I am 5'3. I like it all right, I suppose. It isn't always the best in crowds, but I like that pretty much anyone I come into contact with is taller than me. I don't know... Do most people prefer to be on the taller side of things, or the shorter? Sun, 22 Jul 2012 18:57:26 EST 30 Days of Weight Loss Challenge: Day #1 <img src=""> <BR> <BR> My stats... Well, when I started this business up again a month ago, I was 170 lbs. I'm now down to about 160 lbs. I don't measure myself in general, but my pants are anywhere between a size 10-12, and my bra is a 38 D. I'm 28? <BR> <BR> Is this what we're looking for? When I hear stats, I think numbers, so I've given you numbers. <BR> <BR> I don't like blogging. I also don't like that I can't make this, or any o... Sat, 21 Jul 2012 15:07:07 EST