ANNIEBOLEEN's SparkPeople Blog ANNIEBOLEEN's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community Where have I been? The antidepressants I have been on just plain quit working. I have been having more than my share of side effects. Instead of losing 5 pounds I gained five and now I am at my heaviest. I have been going on binges of sugary foods and not exercising much at all. It is all I can do to get enough sleep. Every other night I am getting about 3 hours. I am tapering off the meds and going to start a Skills Class on how to take care of myself and deal with my depression. I went to a support group and ... Fri, 20 Dec 2013 18:40:27 EST My Mind is Wandering I have cut back on my exercise because it feels better. I think at my age I should not push myself. So instead of an hour cycling I only do 30 min on my Elliptical and I am decreasing the weights when I do them (3 times a week) So hopefully I will sleep better and still keep toned and fit. I have nothing to prove to myself or others. <BR> <BR> My relationship is suffering due to my obsession with food and my disordered eating. I want to work on this and will try to post my progress as I try... Tue, 3 Sep 2013 17:54:10 EST Return to Sparking Well here I am after a long break from Sparking and I have not been taking care of myself. I have gotten back to a more regular exercise routine but my eating has been dreadful. I can say that my success over the summer never lasted though the holidays. I am close to gaining back all that I had lost. I don't have any energy or motivation to tackle my food issues. I hope that coming back to Spark People everyday will help to get me motivated to make some wiser food choices. I am going to try t... Fri, 11 Jan 2013 20:52:20 EST Summer Fun It has been a great summer so far. I have lost 6 pounds and have been eating better. I have a vision of reaching my goal more in focus now. I have had some reprieve from family issues and am getting caught up on projects that I had to put off the last few summers. I will be looking forward to better days ahead too. Wed, 25 Jul 2012 21:42:36 EST yesterday,today and tomorrow How many times have I let what happened yesterday effect how I live my life today. Especially when it comes to healthy eating and exercise. I didn't do so well yesterday, so what the hey, I might as well continue on with my bad habits today. Instead of letting go of the regrets I take the bad feelings and use them as an excuse for bad choices today. Like that somehow is going to make the guilt, pain, remorse go away. Never has worked and probably never will. I must find some pleasure in pun... Sat, 23 Jun 2012 21:38:58 EST The Right to Decide Making a choice,it is something that happens every day and several times a day. I know that a lot of my anxiety comes when I have a decision to make. What usually happens is I try to put it off. If I can’t, I make it and then second guess myself or I feel bad that I don’t follow through on what is important to me. Or even worse yet, I say “Oh what the *bleep*!” I am just going to do whatever I want to and regret it later. <BR> I am making an effort to try and not be so hard on myself. I wa... Sat, 21 Apr 2012 18:16:42 EST Looking Forward ZZZZZZZZZZ...... <BR> No I have not been sleeping or being lazy. I have been tracking my food and checking in with SP everyday. I think I have discovered a few things about me and it has to do with the expectations I have for myself. I am spending too much time in the future tense and not fully living right now. I have a strong connection with what is important to me: health happiness and a positive attitude. My secret passion is creative self expression. All this goes by the wayside when ... Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:04:22 EST Me and My Motivation Somewhere in the past few weeks I have lost my enthusiasm for self improvement. The past week I have been trying to at least get started on some of the things I would normally put off. It has worked pretty well. Bad thing is that my mood has been very low, even though I have made some accomplishments. I feel a bit better and want to do a few projects this week and get going on some organizing. Spring feels near and the cleaning must begin. It sure didn't get done last year. My family life i... Sun, 19 Feb 2012 23:59:10 EST Realistic Expectations 2 So I learned this weekend that if you only have 10 pounds or less to lose you should not try for more that 1/2 pound a week. No wonder I have been struggling. My body was telling me no way and I wondered why I was fighting myself so much. Well from here on I will not expect to lose any more than that. I have only come down 2 pounds since the holidays were over with. Here is to eating healthy and having a positive attitude no matter what the scales say. I am trying to up my protein and cut bac... Sun, 15 Jan 2012 20:01:27 EST A Very Busy Day. I got up at 3 am and took my husband to the Airport to fly away to South America. I will miss him. I got back and thankfully got a few more hours sleep. Went to spin class after taking care of the animals and making a healthy breakfast. Caught up with my husband on Skype and started some projects around the house. I made a nice vegetarian dinner and later a potato salad with yogurt dressing for tomorrow. I also cut up some veggies ready for the homemade hummus in the frig. I have been a cooki... Mon, 9 Jan 2012 23:39:57 EST Reasonable Expectations I have been discouraged and depressed the past few days. I realized I had been on Sparkpeople for over a year and I am still 10 pounds heavier and still eating way too much junk food. I thought to myself that I am only using Spark people as a diversion and not really making any positive changes. Even though I don't have much to lose, I don't want that 10 pounds to turn into 20. Being over 50 now and 60 coming up fast, I think all the more reason to stay healthy and fit. Part of my unhappine... Wed, 4 Jan 2012 23:51:28 EST Family and Friends I spent the day cleaning house and running errands. I meant to do something nice for someone today. I guess I still have some of the Christmas Spirit in me. I will be giving away something that I got for a gift and already had. I asked my husband if I could do something nice for him and he said I am already nice enough to him. I don't feel like I was really successful in my endeavor. I don't give myself enough credit sometimes. I want everything I do to be extra special and so I always feel l... Sun, 1 Jan 2012 01:49:17 EST An Inspiring Day All in all it was hard to stay positive today and even so, it turned out great. I began the day doing a short meditation. Then I decided I would try doing some Mudras with some short meditations through out the day( 5 minutes). I didn't eat well and was getting discouraged with myself. I came home late from shopping and thought about not working out at all today. After I did though I felt so much better emotionally. I have some things planned to improve my food choices. I also have three bo... Wed, 21 Dec 2011 00:03:08 EST Thanksgiving recovery time I have gained a few pound back. I am reading The Spark now. Slowly, but getting inspired by it so far. I liked the part that said something like What goes on in your head is more important than what goes into your mouth. Stopping a downward spiral is what makes the difference not that I ate this bad food or overate at one meal. I also liked the section Be Happy not Hungry. I will use that as an affirmation because that is my big fear in trying to eat right and lose some weight. I REALLY don't... Tue, 29 Nov 2011 23:12:31 EST Grocery Shopping and New Goals I have started using the Nutrition Tracker as a guideline to plan my meals. I don't plan on following it exactly, just get ideas for healthy meals. I did a lot of experimenting on different food plans and finally found one I really like. It is vegetarian with no eggs or tofu. Funny though, I plan on eating eggs and tofu. Just only when I want to. <BR> <BR> I was really surprised when I went grocery shopping. I bought several vegetables and paid more than I normally would on a few. As well ... Tue, 1 Nov 2011 20:23:05 EST Lifestyle Changes I was relieved in a way this week when the MRI results were reviewed by the Doctor. It showed some damage in my cartilage that he said he could do surgery on. He only gave it a 50% chance of success though. I really did not want to go through surgery so I decided against it for now. I will see if the pain gets worse. I was disappointed that he did say no walking or hiking or impact sports. I will have to change my exercise classes. I think I will try cycling and keep up my yoga, as well as my... Sat, 29 Oct 2011 21:12:56 EST Return to My Life After a long and difficult Spring and Summer, I now feel like I can focus on me for a while. I have a loving family and still we have so many issues. It is now time for me take care of myself. I will make an effort to live with more joy and enthusiasm instead of wondering how I will take care of the next problem. I pray that nothing sets me back again for a while. <BR> I have been trying unsuccessfully to overcome my sugar fixation and a problem with my knee is slowing me down. I am feeling ... Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:18:43 EST Planning Ahead I know one of my downfalls is not planning my meals ahead of time. I don't track my food on the Food Tracker. I have tried and find it way too time consuming and then I end up not following it anyway. Still I would like to at least have an idea for a healthy meal before I get hungry. I often end up grazing and then have no idea how much I have eaten just because I have not planned. So this week I will keep up my new habits and work on thinking ahead about my meals. As far as last weeks goals... Sun, 15 May 2011 14:37:03 EST New Habits I have been doing well on my goals and lost 3 pounds from my heaviest. My new habits have served me well so far. <BR> <BR> I am really wanting to make a change now in how I eat my meals. I rush through my meals. Sometimes taking another bite before I even swallow the last. I don't take the time to enjoy my food. I generally think about how healthy or not the food is or about my problems. I have made efforts before but always fall back quickly into fretting fussing and eating fast. I wish I ... Fri, 13 May 2011 17:29:56 EST A Brief History I sure have been on a lot of diets in my life: <BR> 1. The Atkins diet lost 20 pounds. Kept it off a long time but eventually it came back <BR> <BR> 2 Weight Watchers lost 15 pounds. Joined 3 different time. Weight came back almost right away. I hate depriving myself <BR> <BR> 3 The Rice diet. 3 cups of rice a day one with fruit one with veggies and one with protein. It is amazing I did not starve. Don't remember much it was a wonder I survived. <BR> <BR> 4 Not really a diet but I would g... Tue, 10 May 2011 23:35:32 EST A Small Start I want to explore how I often use food to soothe my emotional state. I had therapy 2 years ago for a period of 1 ½ years. I learned some techniques for accepting my negative states of mind. I never really had to deal with my eating behaviors because every time I would gain some weight I would diet and take it off. Overeating then starving to maintain my desired weight. Now I have given up the dieting and weigh more than ever. Food is my solace, my medicine my comforter. I get lonely bored or ... Mon, 9 May 2011 12:53:53 EST The Big Picture Ok some of these observations may not be associated with my food choices. I suspect that they are though <BR> <BR> Physical <BR> 1 Head aches <BR> 2 Poor digestion <BR> 3 Tendency for inflammation <BR> 4 Heart palpitations <BR> 5 possible insulin resistance <BR> 6 Extra hot flashes <BR> <BR> Mental <BR> 1. Depression <BR> 2 Poor memory and concentration <BR> 3Moodiness <BR> 4Unrealistic expectations <BR> 5 Have difficulty saying no and standing up for myself <BR> 6 Wanting to be in control ... Sun, 8 May 2011 17:02:54 EST Bad Habits I must confess that my issues with food result in binging and grazing. I have not had a weight problem as much as a eating problem. Since going through menopause and quitting smoking it has been a struggle to keep the weight off. I have let my standards down and taken on some bad habits. I often eat past the point of being full. I eat several snacks between meals. I make poor food choices. I sometimes try to hide my eating from my husband. I rarely cook meals and when I make treats they rare... Sat, 7 May 2011 16:58:10 EST Where is my focus today? I know there are changes that I have to make it I am going to make peace with myself. I need to forget about dieting and instead find a way of eating that is healthy. Stop snacking so much and make better choices when I do. I have been thinking of exercising more, spending 2 hours at the gym instead of 1. Finding a way of dealing with emotions instead of eating is going to be my biggest challenge. Then there are the negative beliefs I have like I can't control myself, or I will suffer if I d... Fri, 6 May 2011 18:48:34 EST My Relationship with Food 1. I eat when I am sad, bored,anxious, or tired <BR> 2.I eat when I am not hungry <BR> 3 I think about food alot during the day. <BR> 4 I feel very concerned about my weight and weigh myself everyday. <BR> 5. I snack alot between meals usually on sweets and carbs. <BR> 6. I rarely plan meals and eat lots of processed foods. <BR> 7 I will eat large amounts of foods or treats and vow to start dieting tomorrow. <BR> 8. I am at a healthy body weight for my age and just want to look 'perfect' <BR>... Fri, 6 May 2011 00:23:43 EST I am not making progress I have so far not been motivated enough to achieve any weight loss. I have not been eating well. Lots of carbs and lots of sugar. I have not had a weight problem for years and now I struggle to limit it to a 10 pound gain. I do lots of exercise so that is not the problem. I am too lazy to track my food each day. My life seems a bit to stressful to focus my energies right now. I am on lots of medications and struggle with depression. I try to stay positive but I have to start living my life di... Thu, 14 Apr 2011 21:00:51 EST Made it to the top! Hiked Spencer's Butte this morning. Made it to the top again this year. I am pretty proud of my 56 year old self. It was fun doing something with my husband. We ate trail mix at the top and took some pictures. It is a mile long trail that goes up 2000 feet. It was so fun and a perfect day for it. Hope every one is enjoying the Spring weather and making progress. <img src=""> Sun, 3 Apr 2011 18:08:19 EST Vegetarian or Not? I have been very torn lately about eating meat. I think I would really rather be a vegetarian full time. My husband and family are meat eaters and I feel like I would be too fussy if I didn't eat what everyone else does. I also don't want to be making separate meals for me as I enjoy cooking and sharing meals. Well I also worry that I would not not get enough protein too. I laid awake thinking of what animals must go through. We don't even need to eat meat to survive and it also pollutes the... Sun, 27 Mar 2011 22:52:24 EST The Perfect Me There is always some idea I have of a perfect me. The one who never makes mistakes or never feels bad. That view of me that is telling me I don't measure up. Its making me feel bad about what I can or can't do. Well I have come to the conclusion that this perfect me is totally irrelevant. If I live up to that standard I would feel disappointed if I fail again and if I don't live up to it I feel even worse. It is a no win situation. So when I think of myself in comparisons I refuse to let tha... Thu, 3 Mar 2011 15:41:25 EST Trip to Florence Yesterday I went to Florence Oregon where my brother is. I took him to a dentist appointment and did his laundry for him. I have been helping out until he gets into a care facility. My husband drove for me and we took some time in Old town while we were waiting. I hope things are settled soon. I have missed alot of my exercise classes lately because of traveling so much. <BR> I didn't sleep well last night so have not been to perky today. I did spend 30 min on the elliptical and tracked my f... Fri, 25 Feb 2011 21:37:12 EST List This morning I made a list of 13 reasons to eat healthy and lose some weight. I will keep it posted where I can read it in weak moments. I weighed myself this morning and I did not gain any this past week, I didn't lose any either. The doctor says I am not overweight. I just can not see buying all new pants.. It is only a few pounds I want to lose so I am going to focus on healthy habits and not on keeping track of every little thing I eat or do. My life is a bit stressful right now and I nee... Mon, 21 Feb 2011 16:42:40 EST Congratulations I was thinking today that it so much easier to get upset with myself for the bad behavior than give myself credit for what I do right. It is something I do for the big things in life. Not so much for the rest. When I choose the right food or choose to exercise or track my meals for the day I really do deserve to congratulate myself. It may even reinforce more positive behavior if it feels like something to celebrate rather than a struggle with. I know that I tend to get caught up in my nega... Sat, 19 Feb 2011 16:40:48 EST Challenges I have not been sleeping well. I have family concerns that I must deal with. I think it is more difficult to stick with a healthy diet when tired and worried. Still for the past two days I have been doing good. Today I went out and bought shirt again.. What I need to do is clean out my closet not fill it up. I would like to take the money I waste on clothes and buy healthy food instead. I have that in my mind. Will I do it though? I am having a weak moment right now so thought I would blog in... Fri, 11 Feb 2011 18:25:57 EST New Inspiration I started food tracking again today. I am determined to get healthier and eat right. I don't know why I have been so lazy. It may be the meds I am on or the stress of menopause . Maybe I am just not caring as much. Whatever the reason it is time to do something before it gets out of hand. I am ready to clean out my closet and want to be at my goal weight before I do. I have not been to stressed lately ,just not sleeping to well. I am feeling good about myself and have some confidence that I c... Thu, 10 Feb 2011 16:14:34 EST End of the week blues I just don't feel motivated to make any positive changes in my diet. I have been terrible with my food choices this past week. I would really like to see some improvements instead of back sliding. I have an important meeting tomorrow and am a bit worried about it. I have spent the whole weekend bored and lonely and that does not help my progress. I have been spending alot of time on SP but not doing what I need to do. I am hoping that Spring brings some renewed inspiration. I see my doctor n... Sun, 6 Feb 2011 22:07:09 EST What the heck? I made cookies! I was gone a few days on a short trip. I did well even eating road food. I have not done so well today and yesterday. I weigh tomorrow and wanted to be going down instead of up. At least I have been exercising. It is the food choices I make that are not so good. I get so hungry at night then have a hard time falling asleep. I don't know how I can lose that weight if I feel hungry at all. I think if I just ate when I feel like it and not over do the treats, I would be fine. No dieting needed... Sun, 23 Jan 2011 00:25:39 EST Food Tracking For the past week I have been tracking my meals. I found out some interesting things from the nutrition feedback. I have been eating t0o much potassium , fiber, folate and especially carbs. I see now how my digestive problems, sleeping problems and possibly liver function have been affected by my diet. So interesting! Looks like eating too many carbs can make you hungrier. Who would of thought? So I will be eating less dried fruit , carbs and cut back on the fiber a little. I got a good walk ... Tue, 18 Jan 2011 18:14:13 EST Today's a New Day I have made a motivation collage to help inspire me. I have not had much success lately. I gained back the few pounds I lost. I am determined though to follow through this time. I finally figured out how to use the food tracker and have used it the past couple of days. I have been telling myself when I get discouraged that "I am willing to change" It seems to help me from spiralling out of control. I have to figure out a better strategy while my husband is home. He likes different kinds of fo... Sun, 16 Jan 2011 16:56:48 EST Determination It seems in the past few weeks I have set several goals for myself and not accomplished any of them. I think I was a bit too enthusiastic and overwhelmed by all the Sparkpeople opportunities. I need to focus on a few and stay with it. I have done little to overcome my sugar addiction. I guess I could cut myself a little slack as things have been stressful. I will be feeling better as soon as I get over my cold. I have been exercising and meditating often. If I just could bring the mindfulne... Sun, 26 Dec 2010 20:21:05 EST Day before Christmas Hope everyones Christmas is a special one. I feel grateful today. I have a wonderful husband a family to go to and presents to give and receive. Have a great weekend ! Wishing the best to you all in the year ahead. Fri, 24 Dec 2010 18:03:03 EST High hopes! I feel a bit restless today. I need to get away from the computer more often and do some activities. I did cook today. Some zuchinni corn muffins and tofu tacos. I have been making an effort to eat more veggies. I think I will be fine on these new meds. At least I can focus a bit better so maybe soon I will not be so scatterbrained. I ran into a neighbor while I was shopping today and went to excercise class. I may try to do more at the gym next week. I will be spending time with DH as much ... Fri, 24 Dec 2010 00:00:30 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 13 I am thinking that this is not a good time to do this challenge. I have not been able to follow through on the goals and suggestions. I will take it up again some time when I am doing better and life is more manageable. <BR> <BR> I don't know if it is going off the old meds or the new ones but my concentration is not very good. There is just alot going on right now and I am feeling I need to slow down. I will try to focus more and also try to live my life with more purposeful direction. I h... Wed, 22 Dec 2010 20:59:59 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 12 Today was a good day. The parts came for my car and my husband took care of getting it all fixed. I am feeling a bit more positive. Finally got off the old meds and I am so glad. They were not good for me. I think all will go well with the new one if my body doesn't have a reaction. One bad thing is that I have come down with a cold. I am probably run down from not sleeping enough. Maybe after my brother is in a better place I can quit worrying at night. I have had a lot of motivation and sel... Tue, 21 Dec 2010 20:29:58 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 11 Went to exercise class then came home for lunch. I had an Estate Planning class in the afternoon. On the way there I took a shortcut to miss the train. I thought they had fixed the road this last summer. Well to my surprise underneath a mud puddle was a big pot hole. I went right through it and it bent the rim , and damaged the tire. So with an alignment and new tires and wheel it is going to cost me. Lucky nothing else got damaged. My husband came to my rescue and is helping me get it all fi... Mon, 20 Dec 2010 20:41:40 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 10 My husband walked off and left me in the store today. Nothing new. Still it bothers me. Just did not train him right. He did bring me home flowers and my Christmas presents. Nothing left to do now but make pies on Friday. I will need to visit my brother sometime close to Christmas Day. I am a bit distraught thinking how it will all work out. <BR> I will not have as much time to write and have decided to modify the challenge suggestions. The three minute stress technique is fine. I have 2 of... Sun, 19 Dec 2010 21:57:21 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 9 Today was not a good day. My husbands flight was late coming in last night so I was up till 1:00. When I did get in bed it took a couple of hours to get to sleep. So I only got 5 hours of sleep. I was having trouble concentrating all day. I didn't do anything with this weeks tasks for the challenge. Tomorrow I will review them again. <BR> My husband and I did some Christmas shopping together. It was not much fun as I was tired and hungry for some dinner. I have been eating way too much swe... Sat, 18 Dec 2010 22:44:15 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 8 I went to see my brother today. He is doing well. I bought him a book and stayed for an hour to visit. My sister drove and I just helped with gas. I was glad not to drive while adjusting to the meds. My sister and I tend to argue but most of the day went well. I am always a little on edge when we do things together especially with my brother. <BR> I got home and did 30 min on the elliptical machine. I have not had much to eat today and what I did eat was lots of white flour and sugary. B... Fri, 17 Dec 2010 22:17:53 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 7 One week down on this Challenge. I feel like a big whiner talking about my stressors. I think I have learned some things about myself though. I will post more on the Challenge message board. <BR> <BR> I am on the new meds now. It will take a few weeks to really tell anything about how well they work. I was told I may feel tired for a few days but so far I am fine. From time to time I regret that I have to take these medicines. Today I was thinking " OK I need help and I can accept this, thin... Thu, 16 Dec 2010 20:51:06 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 6 Going on not enough sleep again. As I was driving to the Doctor appointment today my mind was racing. My driving was probably not all that great either. It is a big decision now to change my meds. Especially that my life circumstances are not the best right now. I am going to try another antidepressant and keep doing the things I know help. After my appointment I was emotionally frazzled. <BR> Things are not as bad as they could be. I heard today there are some possibilities for my brother... Wed, 15 Dec 2010 20:49:01 EST Stress Busting Challenge Day 5 All in all today was a pretty good day. I did download something on the computer for my new E-reader. I have not done anything with it yet so not really sure how to use it. I am uneasy because I tell myself I will probably mess up. I know just enough about computer stuff to get myself in trouble. I decided I would use the app that came with it before I try to install another one. I need to learn how it works before I get to carried away. Anyway I can read the E-book on my computer until I fig... Tue, 14 Dec 2010 23:11:41 EST