ALYSSAR2012's SparkPeople Blog ALYSSAR2012's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community I Have A Fear Of Being Thin I have a fear. I’d call it an irrational fear to some extent. I am scared to be thin. It is what I want the most, yet I fear it tremendously. <BR> <BR> There are several reasons for this: <BR> <BR> 1. Attention. I want more and regular attention from guys. I want girls to tell me I look nice and that my outfit is pretty. But I also hate drawing attention to myself. I am used to being in the background. I don’t want people to notice me, really. I’m too opinionated when I do speak to be... Thu, 21 May 2015 12:20:20 EST Goal 1 - 299 A couple days ago I was 307.2 lbs and had set a goal to be 299. (No specific time frame, that would just be my next small goal.) This morning I weighed in at 301.8! <BR> I have not been working out. I have just been monitoring my eating. I am trying this thing called intuitive eating. It is basically listening to your body and knowing when you are satisfied (and then stopping once that satisfaction is reached). <BR> <BR> I have not been excluding any foods, but I have been making better cho... Tue, 19 May 2015 14:08:29 EST Feelin' 22: Day 1 - Stepping Back in the Game I recently turned 21 (about a month ago). So I came up with this idea that I want to be the healthiest I've ever been in my life by 22. Subsequently, this personal challenge was created. If in the next year of doing everything in my power to be healthier, I still end up feeling/being worse off than right now, I can quit. However, the likelihood of that ending up being the case is slim if I'm actually following through the way I need to be. :) So I still win, because if no effort was really pu... Mon, 22 Dec 2014 19:35:09 EST I Don't Think She'd Be A Good Workout Buddy... My friend asked me to work out with her. I am all for working out, and I know it is always less boring with a partner, but.. <BR> She and I are not in the same place. Yeah she's out of shape and needs to lose weight, but she's already half my size. <BR> <BR> My friend is like 170 trying to be 145ish at 5'0. I am 312 trying to get to 120 slowly but surely at a height of 5'2. (We are both 19 years old.) We are very different stats wise. We have different builds. She's heavy up top (cone?) an... Sun, 15 Sep 2013 13:28:30 EST Coming Back Strong + September Goals My last blog was about putting in 100% of my effort and dedication, and then I completely ceased to be here. I have been in a lot of pain and could barely get out of the bed. Some nights I didn't go to sleep because of the pain. I was dizzy often and sick always. Just my luck. Every time I get really into this lifestyle change, something pulls me back down. <BR> <BR> I was going to continue to post on here throughout that time, but for one, the light really hurt my eyes and secondly, people... Mon, 2 Sep 2013 16:16:36 EST 100% Dedication - Day 2 So yesterday, my official day 1 after my post the day before, I did not exercise. <BR> Why? <BR> Because I woke up around 8pm, and that was only because my friend came over. By time she left it was 1am and I was tired again. Today, I woke up around 7pm. I refuse to not workout AGAIN (although I guess yesterday could be counted as a rest day). I normally don't exercise at night because I have a fear that people outside can see me (or my shadow rather). <BR> Today I'm making an exception and... Wed, 24 Jul 2013 22:06:14 EST 100% Dedication I've been relatively consistent ever since coming back from my illness and injury period. I hit 301 at my last weigh in (last week on Wednesday) and desperately want to be under 300 this upcoming weigh in. <BR> <BR> In feeling how bad I want this, I realized I want to stay routinely consistent so that 1) I don't have to stress over every weigh in or weigh myself everyday to make sure my mess ups the day before didn't hurt me too bad, and 2) so that I can gain confidence and KNOW for sure th... Mon, 22 Jul 2013 11:27:04 EST Weights And Ages At Those Weights Most of these weights were taken in school during health exams in P.E. <BR> <BR> 5- Starting getting fat. No known weight. <BR> <BR> 6 - When I started noticing I was bigger than everyone else. (My son is going to be 6 in about 6 days, and I'm so thankful that he is always one of the smallest of his peers. I always make sure he is age, weight, and height proportionate and have taught him to like healthy food. He also loves to exercise. I even got him a boxing bag+ gloves, a soccer ball, and... Sun, 21 Jul 2013 03:34:32 EST Waterrrr and Getting Healthy Today I feel as though I have discovered water. Haha <BR> <BR> I hadn't been able to drink water for at least the last 2 weeks or so, so when I tried yesterday and I could drink it without feeling like a spiky rock was in my stomach or my throat clogging up, I tossed back 28 more ounces (in addition to like, the sip I had when I was testing my limits). It feels so good to be able to drink water again and I don't feel as heavy when I walk around and stuff. My body feels lighter. Like everythi... Mon, 15 Jul 2013 06:43:49 EST Which Weight Do You Go By? Your weight naked, or your weight with clothes on? <BR> <BR> Just curious as to which one is more accurate. <BR> <BR> Hope you all are doing well! <em>9</em> Fri, 5 Jul 2013 19:43:36 EST Dehydrated and Can't Drink Water This is so frustrating. <BR> <BR> I finally went to the hospital yesterday (still no insurance, but I said what the heck, I'm dying over here). They basically just took an xray and claimed they didn't see anything. The doctor referred me to two other specialists, one for my more recently developed stomach issues and one for my back. They did so because they can tell that both of these areas have problems, but they are not detectable by the x-ray and require an mri (for my back) and probably... Mon, 1 Jul 2013 05:42:56 EST I'm Having A Weak Moment! For the last few hours, or for at least the last half of the day, I have been wanting to indulge in unhealthy foods. I have resisted all day. It is around 11pm. I am thinking of calling it a night (but I normally don't sleep until like 4am or later, I am an insomniac) so that will probably be unsuccessful. <BR> We went grocery shopping a few days ago and my sister picked up corn dog nuggets and all sorts of other unhealthy things like hamburger helper. If looks could kill.... she'd have died... Wed, 26 Jun 2013 23:03:26 EST All I Needed Last night, I didn't get much sleep. I let my son borrow my fan for once, because it's super hot, and we have no AC. Whatevs. I'm used to not sleeping anyways. <BR> So, anyways, I got a lot done last night. I managed to input my meals in on MFP and see that I have been seriously undereating the last few days (when in pain or sick, I don't eat very much). Yesterday was around 800 cals total for the day (and that's an overestimation because I didn't count off the parts of the food I didn't fin... Tue, 25 Jun 2013 15:20:11 EST How Trustworthy Is WebMD? I know that NO online diagnosis is comparable to an actual in person doctor. <BR> <BR> However, I don't have insurance, I have like 4 past due medical bills, and this is the best I can do... <BR> <BR> According to web MD I have a high probability of having a broken (fractured) upper back vertebra. If so, it's been this way for a few weeks now. -_- <BR> <BR> I blogged about the incident when it first happened, but then it started feeling a little better. This morning I woke up and my enti... Sun, 23 Jun 2013 19:27:04 EST I Do Better When I Am Regularly Active On SP When you see me blogging and being really active on this site, I am much more successful than when I take breaks that are 3+ days long. <BR> <BR> I haven't completely fallen off track (I've been using MFP), but I've definitely been slacking. I definitely realized that there is a positive connection between SparkPeople and my success. I haven't backslid or gained weight (since the last time I blogged anyway), so that's a good thing kind of. I mean, there was a brief period where I went back ... Thu, 20 Jun 2013 03:29:01 EST Binge Free June So I'm adding a goal to my list of goals for June. I want to start a streak of days that I go without binge eating. I don't binge in the sense that I get loads of junk food and just stuff myself. I binge in the sense that "there is such a thing as too much much of a good thing". I overeat, even healthy foods sometimes. When I decide it's okay to treat myself, I also overeat that. So now I'm going to make a conscious effort to not overeat/binge. <BR> <BR> Not too much else going on today. G... Fri, 7 Jun 2013 01:38:27 EST Weight, Spine, and Eating Habits, Update + Parenting Frustrations Firstly, thank you everyone who commented on my last blog about my back/spine injury. I will be getting it checked out eventually (waiting for insurance app to be processed). It gets more stiff and painful by the day, so much for trying to exercise.. <BR> <BR> I gained 3 lbs last week, putting me at 311.1 lbs, since I wasn't able to work out. (I usually eat averagely and then compensate for it by working out really hard.) Now I have to really focus on my eating in order to stay successful l... Wed, 5 Jun 2013 13:31:22 EST Scared To Work Out I was in the car a day or two ago, and somehow managed to move in a way that audibly popped/cracked the top of my spinal column. Right after than I was leaning forward while my sister was driving and she hit the breaks suddenly, which made my neck feel like part of my spine was lodged in my throat. Now I'm laying in bed, and every time I sigh or breath deeply, I get this painful sharp stabbing feeling in my back. My mother said she thinks it's whiplash. (She's a nurse/lpn.) <BR> ------------... Mon, 3 Jun 2013 03:40:05 EST June Goals I almost forgot to make this blog post. I need to go back and see how many of my May goals I accomplished. I may post that as well. <BR> <BR> My goals for the month of June: <BR> -Get out of the 300s (last weigh in was 308) <BR> -Be drinking water on a regular basis by the end of this month <BR> -exercise 3x a week for at least 45 minutes, no excuses (aside from light headedness/dizziness a vomiting... since heat makes me get physically sick... I hate summer..). <BR> -Do not give in to fast ... Sun, 2 Jun 2013 01:09:07 EST My Own Mother Mocked Me This was maybe, a day or two ago... but I can't get it out of my mind. <BR> <BR> Me and my mother were at my son's school. We were parked, waiting to pick him up when the bell rang. As the other parents started to gather around the waiting area, my mother observes them and says "God, I hate skinny bitches..." with this dramatic scoff afterwards. (Most of the mothers are skinny/thin or healthy looking women. There are very few overweight parents that I have seen. They even have a morning run... Sat, 1 Jun 2013 00:50:06 EST Weigh in 6 Today I weighed in at 308 lbs. not sure what I was a week ago, because I've been weighing myself daily. I think I had went up to 314.8 or something a week ago. Overall I have lost 14 lbs thus far... I'm trying to be out of the 300s in the next couple of weeks. It feels very possible. I probably would have weighed in a little lighter this morning, but I ate yogurt really late last night (around 4am). I count it as last night because I hadn't been to sleep until around 7am. I'm supposed to work... Sun, 26 May 2013 16:13:56 EST Used the Nutrition Tracker for Once. So I used it today. I felt like I ate really well today, but apparently my sodium is out of control. It's gotten to 4,000+ and I'm not even finished tracking. (Going to have yogurt and popcorn later because saturday is movie night where me and my son pick a dvd and watch it together while sometimes having a snack.) My son is only 5, so we get all snuggled up together while watching a movie. (I think he wants to watch Spiderman again tonight. We watched that last week too. I strongly dislike h... Sat, 25 May 2013 19:27:08 EST Started Using My Workout Dvds Again I just popped in the Zumba Cardio Party DVD. Halfway through the warm up I started to feel it. It has only been 7 minutes and I am sweating. My ankles hurt (I am pigeon toed, so anything physical hurts almost immediately, especially since I'm overweight). After I finish my entire workout I will edit it into this blog post, just to keep a record of what I started with. I know this is something I will feel tomorrow. I don't even feel like this on the elliptical. Maybe I set my resistance too lo... Sun, 19 May 2013 18:30:59 EST Biggest Loser Summer Challenge I just put my name on the waiting list. I'm excited for it to start on 6/16. :) I'm a first timer. Should be a great experience. I saw so many people talking about it that I had to join. Good luck to everyone! Not completely sure how this thing works (the challenge) but I will try to find some info on it on the sparkteam. <em>9</em> <em>381</em> Sun, 19 May 2013 06:00:45 EST What A Night I've been trying to sleep all night.... but no. Not likely. It is now around 6am and I still haven't had much sleep. All night (and throughout the day yesterday) my son has had this wretched cough. It is so loud and constant. He has asthma, but at first I assumed it was just a regular cough (I myself get sick when the season/weather changes). Tonight, was much worse than last night, though. Tonight he was coughing so much he couldn't sleep. So at first, I was up all night, googling what it co... Thu, 16 May 2013 06:07:33 EST Tell Me Again, Why Should I Care? I just went down and wished my mother and her friend a happy mother's day. When the person who says it is a mother as well, the typical response is "Thank you! Happy Mother's day to you, too!" My mom just said oh thanks. Her friend just nodded her head. I live in a household of 6 people. I am baking a rainbow cake for my mother (she's a lesbian). My sister took her out to eat and got her a gift. I got nothing. From anyone. No card. No gift. No happy mothers day utterance. It's as if the day d... Sun, 12 May 2013 02:40:28 EST School's Out! Well, almost out. I have one more final left on Tuesday. None today. I have to finalize my paper and presentation today and have it ready for tomorrow morning, but then I'm completely finished with classes until August 23rd. I'm so ready to just mentally relax! I can finally read the books I want to read, or read the chapters in my bio book just because I'm interested without a deadline. I can focus on weight loss a little more. I could do absolutely nothing if I want to! *sigh* <BR> <BR> I... Mon, 6 May 2013 03:18:00 EST Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified I just got finished watching a documentary called Super Skinny Me, where two women were trying to get to a size 0 or 00 from a size 12 in 5 weeks or something like that. One of them developed a slight eating disorder, or at least was showing the signs of being on the verge of one. She talked about how slowly she ate and how she played with her food. They talked about her feeling guilty for eating. She would think she would think she was eating too much, when it was a normal amount. She tried ... Tue, 30 Apr 2013 21:13:55 EST Weigh In #4 Today I weighed in at 309.7 after drinking some orange juice. I had forgotten that I was supposed to weigh myself. Ah well, I'll take it. Last time I weighed myself before my injury I was 312 lbs. I think to still have lost a bit of weight without exercising in over a month is pretty good. I'm glad I'm finally able to workout again. Maybe now I can see some even better results. <BR> <BR> I ordered some jeans in the mail from a website called I hope they fit. Is polyester a str... Mon, 29 Apr 2013 13:02:45 EST May Goals Hey, just wanted to post some goals for the month of May. <BR> <BR> -Lose 6 lbs <BR> -Make a meal using tofu <BR> -Get a puppy :) <BR> -Pass my finals <BR> -Keep my environment clean <BR> -Exercise at least 3 times a week <BR> -Go through my stuff and my son's stuff and get rid of things we don't use/need <BR> -Post YouTube videos often <BR> <BR> That's all I've got for now. Hopefully I'll post a weigh in blog tomorrow morning. <BR> <em>253</em> <em>102</em> Sun, 28 Apr 2013 22:51:24 EST So, I Guess All of That Pushing Sometimes Comes with a Negative Side.. I was pretty active on here a few weeks ago. It's been a while since I logged on, or worked out, and I want to share why. <BR> <BR> For once, it wasn't because I just completely lost motivation or had given up. It was because of an odd injury. <BR> <BR> I think I started out too strong. I pushed too hard too fast. I say this because, never in my life, have I ever just randomly woken up with a numb body part. I don't have any conditions or diseases that would possibly lend a hand to what h... Mon, 1 Apr 2013 07:44:02 EST Weigh in 2/3 I missed last week's weigh in because it was exam week at my school and I completely forgot to hop on the scale. So here is this week's weigh in acknowledging them both. :) <BR> This week I weighed in at 312.0 lbs. which felt great. That's 5.2 lbs down from my last weigh in two weeks ago. Yay. Let's keep this trend going. I just got off the elliptical. Did that for 20 minutes at a resistance of 4. I don't remember the incline. I was sweating bullets though. Lol. My psych meds doctor put me o... Sun, 3 Mar 2013 12:36:46 EST Weigh in 1 I lost 4.7 lbs this week. This is also period week, so I'm pretty proud. Especially since I craved just about everything in sight. My starting weight was 321.9 lbs and my current weight is 317.2 lbs. I just got finished with a 30 minute session on my elliptical. Upped the resistance from 3 to 4 halfway through, and then upped it to 5 for the last 10 minutes. Overall it went pretty well. Hopefully I'll will stay on track. I'm confident that I'll do well this week. I may go do a little strengt... Mon, 18 Feb 2013 17:33:29 EST Vegetarian Foods? Could you guys name some foods that I could put on my list? I am newly vegetarian (non weight related reason). Please be specific if you can. Thanks. :) hope you all are doing great on your journeys. Mon, 11 Feb 2013 22:46:02 EST Back At It! I finally feel well enough to work out again, so I upped the resistance on my elliptical and did 30 minutes. I also had water today, which I rarely do. That was good. I made my starting stats vid on YouTube. Weigh in days are now on Sunday. Can't wait to update my weight next week. :) I'll post my updates on here too of course. Sun, 10 Feb 2013 19:24:29 EST Under The Weather I haven't exercised today. I woke up with a really painful sinus infection and couldn't find it in me to get out of bed. I pretty much lived off of water and mucinex today. :/ I should be feeling better tomorrow. At least well enough to work out. Hope you all had a better day! Wed, 6 Feb 2013 22:31:11 EST February Goals So, I have a couple of goals this month. I shall list them here. <BR> <BR> -Exercise every day this month for at least 15 minutes. <BR> -Resist the urge to weigh all the time. Only once a week. <BR> -Lose 5 lbs. <BR> -Drink at least 4 cups of water daily (gotta start somewhere). <BR> -Begin vlogging my progress on my YouTube. Mon, 4 Feb 2013 00:16:45 EST Update To My Blog Post From Earlier I successfully followed through with my plan to exercise for 30 minutes more on my elliptical. That's a huge accomplishment for me because I always SAY I'm going to exercise "later" and then never do. Today I actually did. Pat on the head for me. :) I ate okay. I ate some things that I shouldn't have but over all it was a successful day. I hope tomorrow is even better. Good luck everyone! Sun, 3 Feb 2013 21:33:59 EST My New Elliptical It's around 1:30 a.m., but I felt motivated a little while ago. So I hopped on my elliptical. It was great and when I was done I felt amazing. I only did 20 minutes, but I'm doing 30 or so more later when the sun comes up. This is my first time exercising this year. Me, my mom, and my twin sister are doing a biggest loser challenge. I'm starting the challenge at 321.5 lbs. (This is my highest weight ever.) I'm going to be making weigh in posts every Sunday. Wish me luck folks. This is going t... Sun, 3 Feb 2013 01:29:20 EST I Finally Decided To Get "The Spark" Just ordered it.. Can't wait for it to get here. Maybe it'll steer me back towards the right direction. It's 12:34 am right now. I really should go to sleep so that I can have a productive day later. <BR> <BR> Plan for tomorrow: <BR> Get official restart weight <BR> Eat breakfast <BR> Exercise <BR> Do homework and study <BR> laundry <BR> Maintain cleanliness of my room <BR> Drink lots of water <BR> <BR> <BR> So yeah.... That's all I got for when I wake up at this point. <BR> <BR> Later ... Sat, 6 Oct 2012 00:36:28 EST Just Do It. I want to start working out again. I just don't know where to start. Like, in my head, I have tons of ideas floating around. I just can't seem to grab one of those floating ideas and physically start doing it. <BR> <BR> I'm starting to think I should just try to force myself to get up and do it... It seems the "motivation" to do it is not just going to appear out of thin air. <BR> <BR> I just cleaned my room yesterday, so I have plenty of space to do my exercise dvds. So there is really n... Fri, 5 Oct 2012 18:07:34 EST I Feel Like Working Out I want to go to the gym today, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to depending on if my mother works today or not. If you're wondering, I'm 18. I don't have my license yet, though. <BR> So, anyways.... Even if I don't get to go to the gym I have a at home back up plan. I wanted to go to the gym to weigh myself as well, but I suppose that may have to weight... :/ <BR> <BR> <BR> Will update this later seeing as it's only 4:30am. <em>253</em> Sat, 1 Sep 2012 04:35:55 EST I Want To Join A Challenge I realize that I don't accomplish the goals I set for myself because there is no competition. I need the competitive factor in order to thrive. I do okay without friendly competition, but I do better when I am able to say that I won. Haha... I'm hoping I'm not the only one with a competitive spirit here. <BR> <BR> So if any of you know any challenge sparkteams that are currently about to start a challenge for larger people (I'm about 290 something lbs currently) or just weight loss in gener... Thu, 23 Aug 2012 00:52:09 EST My First Time At The Gym Today I went to the gym with my mom, my sister, and my sister's girlfriend. We were there for an hour. During that hour I did NOT stop working out! I tried like 5 different pieces of equipment. Overall I really liked the exercise bike and the elliptical. I didn't try the treadmill, because I hear so many stories of people dreading it (lol). I didn't think I'd like the gym, since there would be other people there, but I really do! I could see myself going there frequently. I am dependent on my... Wed, 16 May 2012 20:58:07 EST Countdown To College: Day 1/111 Day 1 of my countdown to college. College starts around August 23rd. Today is May 5th (aka cinco de mayo). That leaves me with 3 months and 18 days. That's about 111 days total I think. <BR> <BR> <BR> The plan for today is to do my Leslie Sansone Walk Bootcamp DVD which is about an hour long. Then I'll do a few bicep curls. I'd say that's all the exercise I need for one day as someone just starting out. As far as food, we don't really have much. Hopefully we'll go grocery shopping tomorrow... Sat, 5 May 2012 01:06:08 EST My First Gym Membership! I got a gym membership today! It's at my local YMCA. Yayyyyy. =] My mom went and got a family membership for me, herself, and my twin sister. Yup. It's official. I finally have membership to a gym. This is the first one I've ever had. When I go to college, my college has a gym too, so that'll be awesome. <BR> I have always wanted one, but I've also always been scared to go to a gym. This is because I'm fat, and I personally don't like to have other people around while I workout, because I kno... Fri, 4 May 2012 23:52:27 EST I'm Making A Challenge For Myself I would challenge my mom, who also REALLY needs to lose weight, but she has a friend over (who is thin) so that might be a little embarrassing. My mom also hasn't seemed to have had her "AHA!" moment yet, so I know she wouldn't really put forth any effort at all in losing weight. It would just be a nice thought. <BR> <BR> My challenge is going to be called Countdown to College. <BR> I start college Aug. 21 or 23, I believe it's the 23rd. That means I have 4 months and 10 to 12 days. I don't ... Wed, 11 Apr 2012 02:39:06 EST It's Been A While Well, first off, YAY! It's spring break! (I'm a senior in high school.) This means I get a week off from school. <BR> I've been really stressed lately, mainly over school. <BR> So I'm using spring break to do a lot of make up work. <BR> <BR> I'm also using spring break to get back on the health wagon, and possibly lose a few lbs in the process. <BR> So, after this episode of biggest loser goes off (I'm watching an On Demand rerun) I am going to do two 10 minute sparkpeople workouts. I fig... Sat, 7 Apr 2012 19:29:15 EST I Saw 300 For The First Time In My Life Today... And it deeply depresses me... <BR> <BR> However, it also motivates me. <BR> <BR> I've always been one to let everything negative affect me. I soak it all in and turn it into a suicidal attempt in a year or so when I can't bear it much longer... <BR> I realized that's nowhere near being a good example/role model for my 4 year old impressionable son. <BR> My son is not fat, thank God... He's nowhere near chubby (since I'm so strict about being active when it comes to him). <BR> I don't wa... Sat, 18 Feb 2012 12:20:54 EST Personal Response to "Healthy Reflections: Overcoming Your Personal Stop Signs" Here is a quote of the healthy reflection that came in my inbox not too long ago. <BR> <BR> "Many of us use our "limitations" as a stop sign for reaching our goals. While knowing our limits can safeguard us against injury and embarrassment, too often we use them as avoidance methods in our lives. What is holding you back from reaching your goals? How can you push beyond your comfort zone in a healthy way? Many dieters experience such limitations in on their weight loss journeys. Our bodies a... Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:11:24 EST