AJALDER20T's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=AJALDER20T AJALDER20T's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Snowball http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=6004040 I have been looking into several aspects of my life, lack of motivation, strong cravings, headaches, etc. and hypoglycemia keeps coming up. Great, another something to try to get control of when I feel like I have lost all control of myself. Still gaining. Partner does things like make cookies after I say I need to control my sugar intake. Completely hopeless and depressed about my compete inability to lose weight, or have any control of my own body. I know I know in all reality I have more c... Fri, 25 Sep 2015 18:37:36 EST Really out of shape http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5926692 Having problems with shin cramps on week 3 of C25k. Going to stay on this week for a while, until I can do the 3 minute jog without having to pause for a minute, almost at the point of tears, and massage out my lower legs. I don't feel bad about this at all. I am doing C25k, first good point. I made it to week three before my terrible state of fitness has become an issue, meaning I rights out first two weeks with my only concession to my weak fitness state being my shuffle pace when jogging, ... Tue, 12 May 2015 02:55:41 EST my turn http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5886266 you know you have become accustomed to pain when you finally get some relief from it and you are kind of shocked by how much pain you have dealt with over such a long period of time, <BR> I did the insanity workout about three years ago now. I "pushed" and completed all but the last workout of the program. I was honestly impressed with myself for doing it because I am terrible at keeping up motivation, but I did. I did it, all but the last one, but given my terrible rep with doing things con... Tue, 3 Mar 2015 13:09:26 EST insatiable http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5882678 One of my biggest hurdles is my non-stop cravings. Even when I KNOW I am not hungry, I still have cravings. When I try to quiet my craving by giving it what it wants I immediately jump to another, then I end the day knowing once again I have way out done my food intake and most of the time I STILL feel like there is SOMETHING specific that I want to eat that I can't figure out. Food logging at this point just depresses me, I well like I am starving when I so eating at the calorie goals Spark ... Wed, 25 Feb 2015 19:10:16 EST dejected and still trying http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5873895 The scale hates me, tired from shoveling 6 foot plus of snow in two weeks. Still going to try to get on the bike at least once a week. Keep and set realistic and accomplishable goals. Beyond frustrated but trying to keep in mind all that it took to quit smoking and that was more than three years ago. Wed, 11 Feb 2015 13:24:03 EST impossible http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5873132 Biked for an hour, eating half what I normally do, substituting water for soda, exercising at work, gained 3 pounds. I am freaking doomed. It is just impossible for me to lose weight. Not without starving myself. I can't keep up motivation when the times that I feel like I am doing the right thing I gain and my body aches. Stresses me out. Tue, 10 Feb 2015 10:30:19 EST at a loss but not losing http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5856541 I have realized I have some other goals (financial, emotional, etc.) That need to take precedent for me but tracking calories and when I meet my goal I either feel so hungry or I gain weight. How can I possibly gain weight eating 1300 cal or less, and not drinking any more water than before. A week of this and I am back into "I can't win, gonna be unhappily fat forever." Mode. What to do. I work overnights so scheduled ng more workout time is almost impossible. Already walking and doing resis... Sat, 17 Jan 2015 16:04:19 EST in for it now http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5838626 If you haven't noticed, I am fond of blogging. Bad news for you guys, I got a phone from this century for Christmas. Look forward to my more often complaining about life and my own shortcomings for all my efforts of getting into better shape and losing weight. Hopefully my rate of typographical errors won't increase too dramatically. Hope you all had happy holidays and have a safe and hopeful New Year. (Remember to set REALISTIC goals for yourself for the upcoming year. I will try to do the s... Fri, 26 Dec 2014 05:02:46 EST the harm of "getting over it" http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5837088 fairly certain I have, hmm, "ranted" about the phrase "get over it" before but it seems just to keep cropping up... <BR> so, let the roller-coaster begin... <BR> fault, i grew up thinking that it was a positive thing for one to be considerate of others. I thought it was a desirable notion to be a person who really thinks about what they say and thinks about how other people respond to what they do and say. to attempt not to harm anyone with words but somehow manage to be truthful about your... Tue, 23 Dec 2014 01:15:18 EST not what you thought http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5831603 I think I had the basic concept even when I was fairly small that all those things that I believed in, there weren't all true. Santa, while amusing, was a representation of all the caring feelings that for some reason we bottle up til the end of the year until the time of year we have culturally chosen as the giving season then we flood out our guilt and try to make ourselves feel better about being so damn stingy towards causes that we should be participating in all the time. Reindeer don't ... Thu, 11 Dec 2014 21:23:34 EST title to be imagined later http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5830729 I won't lie, I am not going to even try to make this short. <BR> Burning in a boonie-fire- I used to write. No, really, I used to WRITE. All the time. I had notebooks and notebooks of things. Conversations, overheard snippets while I was sitting having coffee or just wasting time, thoughts about my day, and people (because I have always felt a little disconnected, but that comes later.. maybe), profound subjects like spiritualism and religion and eternity and spinning through space as a flea... Wed, 10 Dec 2014 08:47:13 EST running out of time and getting nowhere http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5712519 so, <BR> my cousin is getting married in october, and back in december of last year i gave myself a weight loss goal that had me losing something like 3/4 of a pound a week.... totally doable right??? I had ten months to reach this goal and was going to be happy going to my cousin's wedding feeling a little better about myself, not carrying so much of this 50 pounds i am trying to lose. <BR> and now here it is, june, and i have managed to lose maybe five pounds (depends on the day of the we... Sat, 7 Jun 2014 06:16:34 EST exhaustion="hungry" http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5694410 I put hungry in quotations because I KNOW that the reality of it is that this, being my one day off a week, is the day where the rest of my weeks worth of TIRED catches up with me. <BR> I am glad I got in two GOOD workouts plus some lawn mowing time this weekend because, the way I calculate my days, I have now missed three days of working out... and to top it all off today I ATE all day long. I KNOW I am not hungry but being at home and tired I tend to make a thousand trips back and forth to... Tue, 13 May 2014 20:44:58 EST a note on exercise, stretching, maxing out, and minding your bumps and bruises http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5692409 This week, I have had my mind blown, twice. <BR> As per previous post in the week, firstly I had my mind blown by having one single day at my stupid gas station job where there were not threats made to me by some angry someone regarding my refusal to sell them alcohol or tobacco (that could be stretched into a much longer story but no novels today, I promise). Magically this managed to happen TWO days in a row, but that was not the second mind blowing I was referring to. <BR> Moving on. <B... Sun, 11 May 2014 06:35:48 EST as if it isn't hard enough... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5692120 just a quick something to say here. <BR> <BR> as if it isn't hard enough to reach weight goals, be they loss, healthy gain, or maintenance, it really is total poo to: get on the digital scale, have it read out a number to you, get off the scale, get back on the scale and have it READ OUT A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NUMBER, get off the scale, get back on the scale (because you are frustrated and just curious what the scale's OPINION THEREABOUTS of your weight might be) only to have the scale spit... Sat, 10 May 2014 17:55:01 EST one good day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5690560 hope i am not jinxing myself but I finally had one day at my gas station job where i didn't have someone yell at me when i refused to sell them alcohol (NEVER would i have thought I would be so glad to have been raised in a dry county). <BR> I am a great target, it turns out, for ticked off alcoholics to come in and attempt to buy alcohol from, and get turned down. If you work in an establishment that has the responsibility of selling alcohol/tobacco you probably know how serious the fines ... Thu, 8 May 2014 12:33:36 EST getting over it (?) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5683451 i have learned to hate that expression "get over it". <BR> I think it is possibly the worst thing that one could say to another--- okay, maybe not THE worst thing that someone could say to you but talk an extraordinarily concise way of telling some "i don't give a sh-t about what you are going through right now and although you have tried to confide in me, ask my opinion, or simply get something off your chest, because i am supposed to be at least your friend, i have nothing helpful to say t... Tue, 29 Apr 2014 19:46:15 EST splitting home http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5534970 I finally got my as$ on a plane and went down to see my family. Check that Two planes there and two planes back. I am still scared of flying but I did it. A few things about it: I was never so glad to see the smoggy skies of Atlanta, nor so glad to sit in my parents living room while my dad napped in his chair, waking slightly and apologizing for being "bad company" every once in a while. Got to hang out with some family, and unfortunately my odd sleeping patterns I Have developed here contin... Thu, 7 Nov 2013 13:59:51 EST something like clinging http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5504020 so, I haven't deleted my profile, but nothing has changed. I have been still stressing out about how much I eat and still eating roughly the same amount of calories. I have been pedaling on my "bike" five out of seven days for thirty minutes a day, I walk at work, I cut back and control my portions, and NOTHING CHANGES. Still the same freaking weight, not losing anything, and feeling crappier about it every day. I can't briskly walk from office to car without feeling out of breath, and a quic... Fri, 4 Oct 2013 01:00:51 EST giving up http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5470195 fairly certain i am going to cancel my membership in spark people here soon. I track all my food and count my calories and do workouts and try to find energy to stay awake at work and lose a pound and half and gain in back and lose and gain counting calories the whole time, to the point that i feel like i am not getting enough calories, and i feel hungry all the time, and that makes me grumpy and unpleasant and tired all the time. then i try to relax and give myself some leeway some days whil... Thu, 29 Aug 2013 19:12:37 EST wow, I am distractable person.... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5450335 So I finally lost a COUPLE pounds and then I go on for six days without tracking ANYTHING, even though I KNOW I have to baby-sit MYSELF. I have to constantly remind myself that I have to remember to track things because staying on my own case about keeping track of everything is the only way to get it done and to make sure I stay on track (I didn't have anyone backing me up when I quit smoking and I got no one being my cheerleader on this one either, I have to be my own support on a daily bas... Fri, 9 Aug 2013 22:02:58 EST fool's awakening http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5427950 So, i HAVE been bright enough to figure out that most of my (speakable ;) ) calorie burning that used to be was... walking. I walked to work, I walked at work, I walked home, I walked to and from social events, I walked to the park, I walked circles at bars, I WALKED. (I clocked over 250,000 steps in one shift when I worked at Sonic as a carhop ---> didn't trust my skating skills :) ) So, the HUGE difference between here and there -----> besides all the psychological and emotional turmoil I h... Sun, 21 Jul 2013 06:00:59 EST baby step http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5425981 so, since starting a night shift job i have to try to keep myself functioning later at night, just so i don't mess with my body clock every week. I sat down at the computer after my partner went to sleep for the night then thought to myself, "okay. so what's your excuse now? why not do a workout now instead of logging another big fat 0 for your workout minutes...?" <BR> <BR> and, it may not be a "workout" in most minds but 40 minutes of wii fit is better than nothing. <BR> <BR> just joine... Fri, 19 Jul 2013 01:48:38 EST emotional mud---or is it quicksand? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5423721 first of all, thanks to anyone and everyone who has sent positive energy my way relating to my previous posts(rants). <BR> I know a few things at this point, <BR> a. nothing that i want to do FOR MY SELF is going to be easy, mostly because I haven't truely been doing very much for myself since I moved up here and especially since the day I was accused of being selfish. <BR> b. it is TIME for me to really think about myself. I have let a fear of becoming a heartless selfish individual play ... Wed, 17 Jul 2013 02:22:49 EST wow, what a week http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5234522 beginning of new management job, getting this started back up again for the location, ordering, hiring, shift covering, recooping, new programs, lots of changes, etc. , no time to sit and eat has meant losing almost 7 pounds. That i know is not the best way to lose weight but it kind of shows me how much i have been sitting and eating for no reason instead of eating when i am actually hungry and NEED to eat. <BR> long conversation with an old friend, and the honesty that comes out of an exha... Sat, 2 Feb 2013 13:12:18 EST spiral http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5200960 at this point, I feel like I don't have any control over my life. I don't feel as though I matter, either. The last time I tried speaking to my partner about my depression, she ended up calling me selfish. My parents still don't have her cell phone number, that they have been asking for in case of emergencies. <BR> I could go on and on, but: 1. I really am at a point where I don't feel like my thoughts and feelings about anything matter to anyone. 2. I find no point in going into great detai... Thu, 10 Jan 2013 18:09:56 EST welcome to another failure, by ...me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5044470 so, finished all but the last week of insanity. (sorry, blueberry fields needed raking, and there was work to do.) lost roughly ten pounds. ... <BR> stopped working out, gained it all back, self-esteem took a nosedive (again), got fired from my job, commenced to eating everything in the house. <BR> this is what happens. this is my pattern. i get so damned close to actually accomplishing something, and BOOM! <BR> i still have no friends in the area, i still barely leave the house, i am still... Tue, 4 Sep 2012 19:37:36 EST verging http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4945952 I am SO STUPID CLOSE to breaking the 170 mark. I am doing Insanity (and still thoroughly enjoying it, despite the strained ankle, which was totally my fault for having loose shoelaces) HOWEVER it seems that the 170 lb mark is my NEWEST brick wall. I CANNOT seem to get under 170!!!! (((Can you tell I am frustrated about this??)))) <BR> I am tracking all of my food, I am trying to make sure I eat a proper snack/mini meal after my insanity workout to make sure my body doesn't put itself into st... Thu, 28 Jun 2012 09:43:33 EST getting there http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4936086 In the last few years, things have gotten nothing but HARDER. Moving so far away from friends and family, struggling to find a job I even kind of like and keeping it despite all kinds of cut backs, being rejected from jobs that I have a college degree qualifying me for, being laid off from a job that a half-brain-dead monkey could do (which hit a hard deep blow to my already deeply waivering self esteem and confidence), watching bills climb and climb and not having any way of taking control o... Thu, 21 Jun 2012 11:01:07 EST a QUARTER http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4930007 I am learning, the hard way of course, that I need to learn when to not listen to other people. I have always been stronger than people have tended to give me credit for, in a lot of ways. I have shouldered more than I have gotten credit for, and I have toughed out more than a lot of people know, and some have proven they didn't care to know my woes, just as long as I answered the phone when they called to tell me their problems. <BR> I am not saying I want to become heartless, because I hav... Sun, 17 Jun 2012 11:48:11 EST Insanity Day 6 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4920039 People were warning me a couple days ago that I should take it easy and saying that I shouldn't do Insanity. Well, today is day 6 of insanity, I am looking forward to it, and I am pushingmyself EVERY DAY and succeeding at Insanity. There is AT LEAST one point in the workout a day where I am laying on my floor, sweating and spitting, and cussing at the tv, and ten seconds later, I am back up and doing exercises again. I love this workout. I had sore muscles and it felt great, and I still did t... Sun, 10 Jun 2012 11:28:07 EST wolves http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4915881 I am now going with my "throw them to the wolves" motto of my life. I will be doing day three of the INSANITY work outs today, while I am a little sore, and a little tired, I am still looking forward to going home and working out today. I am getting a better sense of how much weight that i can lose EASILY i have been carrying around. I am making sure to eat, watch my calories, but I am also trying to keep better track of things like salt an protein. It almost seems I have been substituting on... Thu, 7 Jun 2012 08:16:06 EST i hate making up titles, the meaning comes out in the works http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4909813 so, as i explained to a friend just abit earlier in the day, i iam going to start walking again. i used to walk all the time (and smoke and drink, and....do all the things that twenty year olds do....) and spending four years in college carrying a twenty plus pound backpack and walking miles upon miles everyday PROBABLY had something to do with me keeping off the wieght even though i have a significiantly sized sweet tooth. <BR> Honestly, i have done ....okay....these last couple days, track... Sun, 3 Jun 2012 10:24:34 EST finally figured out how to blog here http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4903261 I joined sparkpeople just a short while after quitting smoking. I have been an ex-smoker now for eight months, I had problems getting logged in to Spark for a while, and when I could get logged in I couldn't figure out how to post a blog until today. I blog because it seems to help me work out things when I am able to write/type them out. I used to write on Myspace faithfully until I was without internet for a couple years. I quit smoking, after many failed attempts by going on www.becomeanex... Tue, 29 May 2012 19:16:07 EST