2BASWAN's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=2BASWAN 2BASWAN's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ A Look Back Over The Last 6 Months - Wow, What A Change! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3674850 I thought it might be a good idea to take a look back at where I started and where I am today. <BR> <BR> Weight - 255 lbs March 2010 - 191.8 lbs Sep 2010 - 63.2 lbs Lost In 6 Months <BR> <BR> Height 5'5" <BR> <BR> BMI - 42.4 March - 39.1 Sep - 3.3 Lower After 6 Months <BR> <BR> Body Fat % - 56.1% March - 42.1% Sep - 14% Lower After 6 Months <BR> <BR> Bust - 47" March - 43" Sep - 4" Lost in 6 Months <BR> <BR> W... Mon, 27 Sep 2010 17:58:26 EST First Day At Curves http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3674783 I had my first workout at Curves and I'm beat. Although I've been walking 45 minutes daily for the last few months, today I used muscles that haven't been used in years. My initial start weight back in March 2010 was 255 lbs with clothes on, 253 lbs naked. So far, I've lost 64 lbs. I'm hoping going to Curves will help the weight loss and inches loss. I want to look and feel better and I think going to Curves at least 3 times per week will help me reach my goals. Mon, 27 Sep 2010 17:27:26 EST I'm Sticking To My Goal This Time http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3379743 I lost 3.8 lbs this week, for a total of 35 lbs lost to date. That's the most I've lost in all my dieting attempts. So, what's different this time? I think it's my mindset. I've got the attitude that there's no question about it, this time I'm losing weight and sticking to my goal, no question about it. My obsession with food is improving and in time it will disappear completely. I can hardly wait for that day. To not think about my next meal while eating my current would be so wonderful. I'm... Mon, 28 Jun 2010 17:00:13 EST My Belief In Myself Is Getting Better http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3368653 I read an interesting article on exercise and self-efficacy in SparkPeople. I would rate my belief in myself at around a 5 out of 10. Today for example, I really didn't feel like getting on my recumbent bike because I was feeling cold and tired. I told myself that I would warm up by exercising and then got out of my clothes and into my biking gear. Within 5 minutes of biking, I felt glad I didn't give into the urge to avoid. I listened to the Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan's audio book and before... Thu, 24 Jun 2010 23:28:45 EST I Can't Seem To Celebrate My Accomplishments http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3361265 So, I lost 0.2 lbs this week. It upset me that I lost so little. Immediately and still now a day later, I can't stop obsessing about it. I don't want to do anything but stay in bed. I want to cry. I feel fat. When I look in the mirror, I see the rolls of fat on my 215.8 lb body. I want out of this negative frame of mind, yet I seem unable. My depression was bad today and I know it's the result of the weigh in. I wish I didn't obsess about things so much. It doesn't help one bit. My husband su... Tue, 22 Jun 2010 21:32:35 EST This Time Around... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3334512 I reached a milestone today and I could not be happier. I've now lost 31.6 lbs! I can't believe it! I've passed the 30 lb mark. For so long now, I would lose a few pounds only to gain it back and more. This time around I feel more focused and committed. This time around I feel more in control. This time around I am losing. This time around I feel proud of myself. This time around I will do it! Mon, 14 Jun 2010 20:29:58 EST This Time Around... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3334511 I reached a milestone today and I could not be happier. I've now lost 31.6 lbs! I can't believe it! I've passed the 30 lb mark. For so long now, I would lose a few pounds only to gain it back and more. This time around I feel more focused and committed. This time around I feel more in control. This time around I am losing. This time around I feel proud of myself. This time around I will do it! Mon, 14 Jun 2010 20:29:57 EST Soaring To Freedom http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3071329 I just finished reading 'Eat Pray Love' and feel such a sense of peace and calm. It was a beautiful book and reminded me of the importance of loving all parts of oneself, good and bad, with love and acceptance. Another point that I will take away from this book is the positive effect of meditation. I've been really lazy with my meditation, so I need to give myself a kick in the butt and stop all the excuses for avoidance. <BR> <BR> I made it to my daughter's engagement party, traveling by fe... Thu, 1 Apr 2010 23:23:15 EST Depression Really Taking Havoc On My Body and Mind http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3040015 I've been away for a month now, not away in the sense of travel, just away in my depression. I've been sleeping, sleeping and more sleeping. I weighed myself Monday and saw a one lb gain in the last month. Not a lot considering how much junk and high fat foods I've eaten. I actually got excited seeing the 243, knowing that I'm really close to the 230's. Going off one of my meds is going to really help. I'm being tapered off it really slow to prevent withdrawal symptoms. So far, so good. I sho... Wed, 24 Mar 2010 21:48:01 EST The Day Turned Out Well http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2797052 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/5/8/b589782816.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Up 0.4 lbs this week. Dang it all to hell! <BR> <BR> I saw my doctor today and when I told her my total loss since Jan 11th was only 2-1/4 lbs, she said that was fine because with one of my meds, expecting 1/2 lb losses is more realistic! Did she just say what I think she did....1/2 lb loss per week! No friggin way! She told me I must really learn to love my body and myself as I am because this journey will take awhi... Mon, 25 Jan 2010 22:20:41 EST I'm Moving In A New Direction http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2769541 I lost 0.4 lbs this past week. Not what I had hoped for, but sure as hell better than a gain. Better than the loss is the fact I've lost weight three weeks in a row. That's huge for me. <BR> <BR> I'm trying to do some new things this week to see if it will help. <BR> <BR> First, I'm going to go to the pool for aqua fit every single day. I've been two days in a row, with three more to go. It wasn't as hard as I thought with getting up at 8 a.m. I really enjoyed the aqua fit and I'm going t... Tue, 19 Jan 2010 21:48:15 EST Before Pic for 8 Week Battle http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2732554 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/1/3/b132537988.jpg"> <BR> <BR> For the 8 Week Battle, above is my before pic and measurements. I did it quickly so I wouldn't have to focus on the numbers or image. I'm embarrassed by how I look. I'm determined to stick with the battle this time around and to give it 100% rather than 400% for 2 weeks, then 0% for the remaining 6 weeks. I want to be a success this time. I've set my goal to lose 1 lb each week. I was realistic in my goal to reflect t... Tue, 12 Jan 2010 00:40:50 EST A New Year A New Me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2694497 2010, another new year, another opportunity for a fresh new start. Looking back at my weight losses and gains depresses me, so I'm going to focus on the here and now. I am setting monthly goals which are attainable yet still a bit of a challenge. For January my goals are to go to the pool for the shallow water aquafit Mon, Wed, Fri as well as using my Wii Fit Plus three times per week. <BR> <BR> As I said, these goals are attainable, yet a challenge. It's the old "it's safe in the house, I ... Mon, 4 Jan 2010 21:06:24 EST A Clearer Vision Of Where I'm Going http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2608828 I've been away from SparkPeople for a bit trying to get to the root of why I can't seem to stay on track. I started thinking about how I behaved when I was a healthy weight and what I came to realize was that I ate when I was hungry, stopped when I was full, walked or biked to work and lived an active life. <BR> <BR> So, that's what I'm doing now. I'm stopping the obsession I have with losing weight and living my life. For the past week I've eaten what I wanted when hungry and not binged at... Thu, 3 Dec 2009 23:55:01 EST Happy I Had A Weight Loss http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2584704 I am so grateful. I lost 2 lbs this week and I couldn't be happier. This proves that indeed I CAN lose on my new meds. I wasn't expecting 2 lbs, especially since I only went to the pool twice. I did eat healthy and only had one night, last night, where I did eat from the peanut butter jar. So overall, I am stoked! <BR> <BR> This week I commit to going to the pool Mon to Fri afternoons, drinking tons of water and eating healthy. I have this recipe from Weight Watchers called Garden Vegetable.... Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:48:02 EST Back In The Saddle Again http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2566952 Up 2.5 lbs. I discovered I gained on Friday which sent me to the F**k It camp. I proceeded to eat more than I should and as for any desire to exercise, well that went by the wayside. I hadn't made it to the pool either what with the depression leaving me in bed. Last night though and this morning while journaling, I was brutally honest with myself and knew that if I didn't get my act in gear that 250 lb mark just looming at the edge would become my reality. <BR> <BR> So, with a new attitud... Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:01:19 EST Participating In Life http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2549054 I lost 1.4 lbs this week. Definitely not what I had hoped for, but better than a kick in the butt. In reviewing last week I found the following: <BR> - I didn't drink at least 8 glasses of water daily <BR> - I was below my minimum calories 5 days <BR> - I exercised twice <BR> <BR> This upcoming week I will: <BR> - Ensure I drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water daily <BR> - Ensure I eat at least 1,200 calories <BR> - Ride my recumbent bike daily for a minimum of 10 minutes in addition to goin... Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:30:28 EST When Sleep Is Better Than Being Awake http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2538620 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/6/3/b638694442.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Today I slept. I slept all day. Literally. At 4:30 p.m. when Paul got home, I finally pulled my body from the security of my bed. I missed the depression group, physiotherapy and pool. Do I regret this? Of course, but there's not a hell of a lot I can do about it now. I allowed my body to become one with my mind which resulted in my sleeping so many hours. I didn't want to rise and be aware of how crappy I felt. It's ... Fri, 6 Nov 2009 00:58:36 EST Bluer Than Blue, Sadder Than Sad... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2535795 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/1/6/b164867723.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Bluer than blue, sadder than sad....that's all I can remember, but the song is playing over and over in my head and appropriately so since I'm feeling quite depressed. Paul asked me to rate my depression out of 10 and I told him I was around a 6. So not so bad I couldn't function, but enough to make me feel on the verge of tears and not want to do anything. I actually picked up my crocheting and worked on it for a cou... Thu, 5 Nov 2009 01:24:34 EST Weight Gain This Week http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2528048 So, what does caramels, chocolate, tootsie rolls and McDonald's equal? Weight gain. 3 lbs to be exact. I'm disappointed in myself to say the least. I'm now back at my start weight yet again. <BR> <BR> Today is a new week and I start the community rehabilitation at the pool this afternoon. That exercise in addition to not over eating will ensure a weight loss. <BR> <BR> Something is going on here. I keep sabotaging myself and I don't know why. I can't seem to stick to a plan. I over plan se... Mon, 2 Nov 2009 14:29:47 EST Get Lost Avoidance Monster! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2513275 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/6/1/b610149662.jpg"> <BR> <BR> What a difference a couple of hours make. I laid down after posting my last blog and all I could think of was how Lacey really needed grooming. I kept saying "get up" in my head and finally I was able to force my body to move. I groomed Lacey and it's good I did because the area on her paw that she licks was raw. Now I'll be able to treat the area without all the hair getting in the way. I felt a bit better after I fi... Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:21:30 EST I Feel Like Crap http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2512889 I feel like crap. I also feel like an idiot. I just got off the phone and am mad I was at a loss for words. It was a call to my sister-in-law to say I couldn't meet for coffee today. Simple enough, but no, I felt panic and fear and then on the phone I was speechless. Why do I get like this on the phone? It's why I avoid the phone at all costs. Stupid. I'm also mad at myself that I've let myself get so big that the plantar fasciitis has really flared up and standing is extremely painful. Becau... Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:18:50 EST New Things In My Life http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2507935 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/5/7/b570598884.jpg"> <BR> <BR> A quiet Sunday evening as Paul is upstairs watching the hockey game. This week I joined a choir, called The Harmony Choir. sing songs like “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.” My first time to go will be this Thursday and I'm so excited. A woman I met at the depression group just joined and we're going together. I have to pick her up, so that will help me go as I know she needs a ride. Sounds silly to need to have an excuse ... Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:42:22 EST I Can't Be The Fat Mother Of The Bride http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2485218 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/5/1/b513668348.jpg"> <BR> <BR> It hit me hard tonight; I do not want to be fat at my daughter's wedding. Now this is jumping the gun since neither of my daughters are engaged, but still, the thought of being this overweight makes me sick. I got panicked because I know my youngest daughter may be getting engaged sometime in the near future, and who knows, a wedding may not be far off. I know the day is all about the bride, but I don't want to be the... Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:50:55 EST Depression Group Was Good http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2482667 I went to the depression support group this afternoon and it was just what I needed. The women were all so welcoming and really highlighted baby steps I'd made. It was comforting to be in an environment where others could understand how difficult it can be just to have a shower. The facilitator asked if phoning me the morning of group would help me get there and I said 'yes.' Viewing it as an obligation will give me that push I need to leave the safety of home. The group also has craft days o... Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:13:48 EST Depression Begets Negativity Which Begets Depression And So On... http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2479741 Another day of sleeping, but this time the dreams were disturbing. That didn't stop me from returning to my bed when awoken with a cold sweat, racing heart and sense of panic. Laying in the fetal position under my flannel sheets and feeling the softness of the fleece blanket against my face brought me comfort. I'm allowing the depression to run it's course and if sleep is what I need, then sleep it will be. Not sure if that's the right solution, but for now it's about the biggest decision I'm... Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:53:32 EST Escape To Dreamland http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2477409 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/6/8/b688595029.jpg"> <BR> The above image can be found at <link>frozenstarro.deviantart.com/art/Fair<BR>y-Dreamland-109784892 </link> <BR> <BR> I slept all day, literally. I got up at 7 am, had breakfast, then went back to bed until 1 pm, got up for my meds, then retreated to my safe haven until 4:30 pm when I finally stayed up. I hide in my dreams. For the most part they are good, comforting and sometimes even joyous which is in stark contrast ... Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:26:34 EST My Before Pic For The 8 Week Battle #6 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2473508 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/7/0/b702689797.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Start Weight: 242 lbs <BR> BMI: 40.4 morbid obesity <BR> Neck: 16" <BR> Arm: 15.5" <BR> Chest: 47" <BR> Waist: 45" <BR> Hips: 51" <BR> Thigh: 29" <BR> Calf: 16" <BR> Waist to Hip Ratio: 0.88 high risk apple shape <BR> Body Fat %: 56.1% <BR> <BR> These stats embarrass me and that is precisely why I am posting them here. I am ashamed of how I've chosen to get bigger and bigger. It's no wonder I'm having plantar fasciit... Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:11:40 EST A New Week By Week Template For The 8 Week Battle #6 Members http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2461910 Hi everyone participating in the 8 week battle #6! It's sure to be a great challenge for all of us. I revised the template I created in battle #5 for ease of use. You can still use that one if you wish by going to the team page, links and clicking on "Template for 8-Week Battle #6 Spreadsheet" posted by LAWOLF2. Thanks LAWOLF2 for posting it because I had forgotten all about it. <BR> <BR> Now, on to a different template that may entice you on your journey.... <BR> <BR> <link>www.editgrid.c... Thu, 8 Oct 2009 00:51:57 EST I've Crawled Out Of The Darkness Once Again http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2461121 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/3/2/b32445349.jpg"> <BR> This beautiful image can be found at <link>tiny.cc/NAp9Y </link> <BR> <BR> I absolutely love the image above. This warrior is titled "New Age Warrior." I like the colourful tattoos that appear strong and defiant, yet feminine and beautiful. The look in her eyes is one of sheer determination to do whatever is needed to be a warrior. She is within me and I need to change my willfulness to willingness and let her soar thro... Wed, 7 Oct 2009 19:13:12 EST Depression Returns http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2439528 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/6/1/b616691271.jpg"> <BR> Image <link>ironcpu.deviantart.com/art/Depressio<BR>n-14182243 </link> <BR> <BR> I lost 5 lbs this week, and yes, I am happy about that, but I'm not happy in general right now. I'm in the down of the roller coaster and as a result am lethargic, apathetic and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I give into the urge to sleep so that I don't have to walk beside the side of me that is disconnected to life right now. I should... Tue, 29 Sep 2009 20:50:07 EST Principle 1: People Who Successfully Navigate Change Have Positive Beliefs. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2427407 I bought this book “The First 30 Days: Your Guide to Making Any Change Easier” by Ariane de Bonvoisin. There are written exercises and I’ve decided to do them here in my blog rather than having another notebook to add to my pile. So, here goes… <BR> <BR> Chapter 1: Change Your View of Change – Beliefs Can Make All The Difference <BR> Principle 1: People who successfully navigate change have positive beliefs. <BR> <BR> 1) Get a sense of your current beliefs about change: <BR> - Change is (ha... Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:47:14 EST Focus On Only Two Goals For Success http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2423321 I'm off to a good start with two days of eating healthy as well as riding my recumbent bike. Focusing on two goals only I think is the key to success. I originally had about ten goals and the pressure to remember and track each daily became all consuming. Now with two I feel more in control. <BR> <BR> My first goal is to record my food before I eat it. In this way I'm being mindful of what I do and forcing myself to think before eating. At the end of the day of eating healthy I put a 'good ... Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:06:04 EST Do As Jillian Shouts...DON'T YOU QUIT!!!! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2417408 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/4/4/b449834223.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I'm in a quandary. Not sure whether I want to continue sharing my blog with family & friends. I think it's because I say the same thing over and over again. I'm sick of hearing it, so I'm guessing they may be as well. I know I shouldn't just assume this because a mind reader I'm not. <BR> <BR> I'm angry at myself. So angry I can't find the words to describe it. Shame is another adjective to describe how I feel. But ... Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:53:43 EST I Want To Be Free Of My Self Loathing http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2403014 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/7/3/b737194267.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I'm watching The Biggest Loser Australia Season 4 on my laptop and it's the makeover episode. Of course I'm crying; I always do with this episode. To see the changes in each contestant, then to have their family see them is so emotional. I look forward to the day when my husband looks at me and says "You're beautiful." It's been so long since I've heard those words and this is no fault on his part, but my own for allo... Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:53:48 EST Time To Stop The Sabotage http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2398606 Thank goodness the gain wasn't as much as I thought it would be. I ate absolutely horrible this past week. I was on a "to hell with it" roll. I just didn't care. Well, I did care, then I didn't care, then I beat myself up for not caring so then I didn't care even more. <BR> <BR> So what the hell is going on with me? <BR> <BR> Everyone inside wants me to do the collage of them. They've been patiently waiting while I do everything except the collage. In my journal I discovered they want me t... Mon, 14 Sep 2009 12:43:41 EST I Couldn't Keep My Mouth Shut http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2389577 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/3/2/b324592301.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I did what Paul asked me not to do. I confronted the guy out front who left the bylaws about dogs taped to my door. Here's how the conversation went... <BR> <BR> Me: Why did you leave that note taped to my door? Why didn't you just come and talk with me? (had to repeat this twice because he wouldn't respond) <BR> <BR> Him: You weren't home. <BR> <BR> Me: You could have come by when I was home, which is most of the ... Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:04:53 EST Tuesday Was A Crappy Day http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2385719 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/5/4/b549886093.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I had my intake interview with the women's sexual assault centre and it triggered me more than I expected. At one point I could feel the tears forming, but I fought to hold them back. I didn't want to fall apart. There is an 8 month wait time to get individual counselling. It will be good to finally deal with the incidents that happened in 2002 because I carry so much guilt, shame and anger. I am on the wait list for ... Wed, 9 Sep 2009 12:31:45 EST Unable To Celebrate My Weight Loss http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2382864 I lost 2 lbs this week. <BR> <BR> Happy? Yeah. <BR> <BR> Relieved? Definitely. <BR> <BR> Disappointed? Yes. <BR> <BR> After 3 weeks in a row of gaining, I finally lost some weight. I should be happier than I am. I guess it's because I'm still in the 230's. Even writing it makes me feel ill. I'm going to see my sister in two weeks and I'm worried I still won't fit in my jeans and walking will be next to impossible. <BR> <BR> I felt better once I got down to 214; that's 22 lbs lower t... Tue, 8 Sep 2009 13:21:22 EST A Jumbled Mess Of Words http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2377777 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/4/9/b494832388.jpg"> <BR> <BR> My first week back on track is drawing to an end. I can't say I'm 100% happy with my efforts, but what I did do was much better than a couple of weeks ago. I'm getting up by 9:30 a.m. every morning which is so foreign to me. I can't believe how long the day feels now. Yesterday I felt it was time to go to bed and it was only 5:30 p.m. I do like having this extra time. <BR> <BR> One of my sisters let me know she's goi... Sun, 6 Sep 2009 14:12:49 EST Oh The Money I've Wasted On Weight Loss http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2369639 Something interesting I've noticed about myself is that I don't have a strong desire to journal when I'm feeling better. I wonder what that is about. <BR> <BR> I'm noticing that my depression is manageable and that I'm actually experiencing more energy and enjoyment. I'm getting up in the morning and staying up all day. I really appreciate this, but I admit that I also feel fear that it won't last. I don't expect it to last every single day, but a few days, even a week would be total bliss.... Thu, 3 Sep 2009 01:15:39 EST Decluttering...Done! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2366718 I did it. I finally did it. I decluttered my exercise & puzzle room. The table for which my puzzle should be on became the catch all for any and every thing I didn't know where to put. The closet which holds my yarn, games, stationary supplies was filled with Walmart bags, paper and other odds and ends that didn't belong there. Every time I walked past that room I was filled with dread. It was a heavy, dark cloud hanging over me. Now, that it's done, I can actually sit down and work on a puzz... Wed, 2 Sep 2009 02:38:33 EST I Hate This Pain http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2366108 I'm in a crabby mood. <BR> <BR> My knees are so painful that I don't know whether to scream or cry. I had massage this morning and she worked on my glutes, hamstrings, calves & quads, but it didn't help. I see the physiotherapist tomorrow, so I'm crossing my fingers I'll get some relief from that. I've taken 2 tylenol & 2 advil and iced both knees and the pain remains. I haven't ridden my spin bike yet today because I know it's only going to aggravate my knees more. If it was a dull ache or ... Tue, 1 Sep 2009 21:34:30 EST Back At It With A Renewed Positive Attitude http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2363391 Back at it. Day one finished with all of my goals met. <BR> <BR> What have I done today to make me feel proud? <BR> 1) I rode my spin bike for 5 minutes as soon as I got up this morning. <BR> 2) I rode my spin bike for 5 minutes when I got home from Victoria this evening. <BR> 3) I drank 12 glasses of water (lots of peeing happening now). <BR> 4) I did my homework for the A.C.T. group. <BR> 5) I ate really healthy today with no binging. <BR> <BR> What am I grateful for today? <BR> 1) My you... Tue, 1 Sep 2009 01:15:14 EST A Change Is Coming http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2355331 My fingers rest on the keyboard debating which letter to press. So many thoughts trying to be heard, but none making any sense. Nothing makes sense at this moment. I just deleted an entire sentence. Why? Who knows. Who cares. <BR> <BR> The pain between my shoulder blades makes it hard to breathe. Heartburn. From what? The bowl of Shreddies I just downed? Probably. I wasn't even hungry, just ate it "because." <BR> <BR> I didn't accomplish a whole hell of a lot today. Got up around 10:00 a.m.... Sat, 29 Aug 2009 01:34:52 EST The Shame Of Yet Another Gain http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2343104 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/6/9/b692486079.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Another week, another 5 lbs. And that's a gain, not a loss. I know my new medication is the culprit; however some of my food choices could have been better. I left the 8 Week Battle because I just couldn't have my weight gain affect the Red team. I'm just 5 lbs away from my January 1st start weight. I can't believe I've done it yet again. I want to cry, but to do that would mean I'm feeling sorry for myself. <BR> <B... Mon, 24 Aug 2009 20:42:48 EST The Shame Of Yet Another Gain http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2343099 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/6/9/b692486079.jpg"> <BR> Link to Image <link>suetlilanglz.deviantart.com/art/a-sh<BR>ame-33678609 </link> <BR> <BR> Another week, another 5 lbs. And that's a gain, not a loss. I know my new medication is the culprit; however some of my food choices could have been better. I left the 8 Week Battle because I just couldn't have my weight gain affect the Red team. I'm just 5 lbs away from my January 1st start weight. I can't believe I've done it ye... Mon, 24 Aug 2009 20:41:48 EST Hate My Obsession With Body Weight & Food http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2316895 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/7/1/b716453224.jpg"> <BR> <BR> Image can be found at <link> http://limegreensquid.deviantart.com/art/P<BR>rincess-Chunky-Butt-112554718 </link> <BR> I just want to scream. A long, gut wrenching scream filled with pain and agony. A scream that never ends. That is the thread that is coiled within me tangled amongst my veins. Where one carries life, the other is death. Should the latter gain strength and slice through the veins, life shall cease to... Sat, 15 Aug 2009 01:02:25 EST My Vision Collage for the 8 Week Battle #5 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2307455 I can't believe I just did that. I closed my tab with the blog entry I was working on. Aagghhh... <BR> <BR> <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/4/2/b422889410.jpg"> <BR> <BR> I really like my collage. It took me hours to complete, a statement I'm rather embarrassed about, but the end result is good. I always take a long time when doing collages because I want the perfect phrases, images and layout. Not perfect in the sense of flawlessness, but a feeling of "Yup, that's what I envis... Tue, 11 Aug 2009 19:39:25 EST I May Be The Outcast, But That's Okay http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2299618 <img src="http://photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/3/8/b384853604.jpg"> <BR> <BR> It's 2:26 a.m. Sunday morning. I should be in bed. Had I taken my bed meds hours ago, I'd be in a deep sleep by now. Do I regret this? Nope. I love the night. The silence. The stillness of the air. Calm and peaceful. Even my mind is more settled. <BR> <BR> Strangest thing happening. I'm drawing a blank for words. That is so unlike me. I'm usually on the other end of the spectrum. Blah, blah, blah.... <BR> <BR> I kn... Sun, 9 Aug 2009 06:41:15 EST