2ABBYNORMAL's SparkPeople Blog http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=2ABBYNORMAL 2ABBYNORMAL's Blog on SparkPeople, home of free diet plans and a healthy living community SparkPeople.com http://assets2.sparkpeople.com/assets/nav/logo_spark.gif http://www.sparkpeople.com/ Profound Statement http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5574251 The question of the year!!!!?? <BR> <BR> We are now always hearing about how Social Security is going to run out of money. <BR> <BR> How come we never hear about Welfare running out of money? <BR> <BR> What's interesting, the first group "worked for" their money... the second didn't!!? <BR> <BR> <em>24</em> Sun, 29 Dec 2013 00:42:13 EST "Black Coffee" http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5558406 "Black Coffee" <BR> <BR> Black coffee is my name <BR> Black coffee is not a thing <BR> Black coffee, freshly ground and fully packed. <BR> <BR> Way back you all know, since I don't know when <BR> See I got hungover before I was 10 <BR> So hot black coffee, that's where it's at. <BR> <BR> Well you hear that <BR> Some black tea, well it can't compare with me <BR> Black tea (can't compare with me) that's right <BR> Black tea, well it's as good as, it's as good as, it's as good as it ... Fri, 6 Dec 2013 13:13:12 EST Dear Coffee http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5534324 Dear coffee, thank you for being there for me morning after morning!!! <BR> Maxwell House, Master Blend, aka Max, is in the house, you are the best! <BR> <em>334</em> <em>224</em> <em>67</em> Wed, 6 Nov 2013 21:42:09 EST Happy Birthday To Me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5500462 BEATLES <BR> Birthday Lyrics edited for me. <BR> <BR> They say it's my birthday <BR> I'm gonna have a good time <BR> I'm glad it's my birthday <BR> Happy birthday to me <BR> <BR> Yes, I'm going to a party, party <BR> I would like to dance (birthday) <BR> Take a cha-cha-cha chance (birthday) <BR> I would like to dance (birthday) <BR> Dance, yeah <BR> Whoo <BR> Come on <BR> C'mon <BR> Everybody <BR> Oo-ance <BR> <BR> Today is my birthday. So, for once, I'm saying Happy Birthday to myself. ... Mon, 30 Sep 2013 15:01:40 EST I WANT http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5491561 -To every man, woman & child I want an end to the glamorization of negativity in the media. <BR> -I want an end to status symbols dictating our worth as individuals. <BR> -I want a meaningful and universal education system. <BR> -I want substance in the place of popularity. <BR> -I will not compromise who I am to be accepted by the crowd. <BR> -I want the invisible walls that separate by wealth, race & class to be torn down. <BR> -I want to think my own thoughts. <BR> -I will be responsible f... Fri, 20 Sep 2013 23:17:14 EST Trait 3: IDIOCRACY IS SYSTEMIC http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5471890 TRAIT 3: IDIOCRACY IS SYSTEMIC <BR> <BR> There are systems and processes put in play to manufacture idiocracies. Propaganda, oft-repeated lies, opinions packaged as news and false choices – all are ingredients of idiocracies. An example of an ‘apparent dichotomy of choice‘ is: are you liberal or conservative? As if – these are the only absolute and permanent choices in the world! I’m with Chris Rock on Liberal-Conservative - who holds a rational view. I mean, seriously! What bonehead... Sat, 31 Aug 2013 18:03:26 EST IDIOCRACY 101 - TRAIT 2 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5439199 TRAIT 2: IDIOCRACY IS TIMELESS <BR> <BR> Entire civilizations have been led into battle over trivial matters - including enemy, women and stray pigs! I hold that any civilization that, even for a second, accepts that everyone else is out to destroy because ‘they hate freedom’ – is a one of two things: a Lilliput people trampled under a governmental Leviathan, rendered incapable of free speech; or a gullible little teenager of a country who’s only dream is to become the lead-whore of the ... Tue, 30 Jul 2013 23:17:39 EST Idiocracy 101 - Trait 1 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5436783 April 6, 2013 by Adnan R. Amin <BR> <BR> Idiocracy is democracy gone wrong through idiocy. <BR> <BR> We live in a world where wars are made for peace, governments act against citizens, corporations come before humans, gadgets are smarter than students and morality is rooted out of governance. This is the global idiocracy. There are a few indicators and traits that identify the idiocracy. <BR> <BR> TRAIT 1: IDIOCRACY IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE <BR> <BR> Wars to establish peace/democracy are ... Sun, 28 Jul 2013 23:47:44 EST 3 Couples, 2 Compliments, 1 Adventure! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5417141 Three couples went to a restaurant. <BR> The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. <BR> "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. <BR> "Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second. <BR> "Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third. <BR> <BR> <em>487</em> <em>487</em> <em>487</em> <BR> <BR> This had to put a little grin on your face. I hope so. <BR> <em>41</em> Wed, 10 Jul 2013 20:49:41 EST Definition of Diplomacy http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5412787 Q: What's the definition of diplomacy? <BR> <BR> A: The ability to tell a person to go to h_ _ _ in such a way that they look forward <BR> to the trip. <BR> <BR> Come on! It has to make you smile, doesn't it? <BR> <BR> <em>334</em> Sat, 6 Jul 2013 22:56:35 EST Becky's Update http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5409173 I don't know if any of you remember from previous posts a long time ago. My niece, Becky, had a brain tumor and we weren't sure what the prognosis would be. <BR> She had radiation zeroing in on the tumor. She will always be deaf in her left ear, her left eyelid won't work on it's own. The eyelid always stays open. She has eye drops for dryness of the eye, can manually close her eyelid or wear her eye patch. <BR> The left side of her mouth will always droop down a little, but you would... Wed, 3 Jul 2013 00:31:06 EST Speeding Ticket 2 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5405091 A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. <BR> <BR> "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further. <BR> <BR> The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. <BR> <BR> "What on eart... Fri, 28 Jun 2013 23:39:44 EST Older and Smarter http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5404042 George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. <BR> <BR> George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. <BR> <BR> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said "All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is ... Thu, 27 Jun 2013 22:30:27 EST Rookie Police Officer http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5401951 A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. <BR> <BR> The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. <BR> <BR> The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." <BR> <BR> A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" <BR> <BR> Intimidated, the group of people b... Wed, 26 Jun 2013 00:11:54 EST Caught Speeding http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5398720 Me: Is there a problem, Officer? <BR> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. <BR> Me: Oh, I see. <BR> Officer: Can I see your license please? <BR> Me: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. <BR> Officer: Don't have one? <BR> Me: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. <BR> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. <BR> Me: I can't do that. <BR> Officer: Why not? <BR> Me: I stole this car. <BR> Officer: Stole it? <BR> Me: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. <BR> Offi... Sat, 22 Jun 2013 23:47:31 EST Final Test for the CIA (My Dark Side) http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5382031 The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. <BR> <BR> On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." <BR> <BR> The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" <BR> <BR> ... Sat, 8 Jun 2013 00:46:28 EST A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5380935 A mink in the closet, <BR> <BR> A Jaguar in the garage, <BR> <BR> A tiger in the bedroom, <BR> <BR> And an A$$ to pay for it all! <BR> Fri, 7 Jun 2013 00:14:44 EST Truck Driver & The Bikers http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5374208 A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. <BR> <BR> One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. <BR> <BR> As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he... Sat, 1 Jun 2013 00:59:10 EST BRAINS http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5371014 An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research. <BR> <BR> ''How much is this one?'' he asked. ''Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20,'' he explained. <BR> <BR> ''How much is that one?'' he asked ''Well that one is a female brain and its $100.'' he explained. <BR> <BR> ''And how much is that one?'' he asked. ''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' he explained. <BR> <BR> ''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked. '... Wed, 29 May 2013 00:57:27 EST Can people really be this stupid? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5356913 Can people really be this stupid? <BR> <BR> 1. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know h... Wed, 15 May 2013 00:01:51 EST Verizon's New DVR Will Spy On You http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5335874 "Google TV, Microsoft, Comcast, and now Verizon have all submitted patent applications to create televisions and DVRs that will watch you as you watch TV. <BR> <BR> Earlier this month, news came out that Verizon applied for a patent to create a DVR sometime in the future that has cameras and microphones that can see and hear what you're doing and saying, while watching TV. Sounds, actions, food choices, and your ethnicity -- all tracked by the DVR -- will influence what you see in your comm... Fri, 26 Apr 2013 00:18:49 EST Profile Picture http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5332394 I received the following message in my e-mail on SparkPeople: <BR> Hello <BR> <BR> I got a report about some of the pictures on your SparkPage because they violate our Community Guidelines. Your profile picture is too graphic for our "PG-rated" site, and the Hitler picture could easily be offensive to other members. Therefore, I had to remove both of them. <BR> <BR> Please keep this in mind when posting pictures in the future. Thanks in advance for your cooperation. <BR> <BR> Jen <BR>... Tue, 23 Apr 2013 00:06:41 EST Tainted Water for up to 60 Years http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5287844 I don't know if anyone was able to read this article in SparkPeople Health Highlights for March 15, 2013, but it is well worth reading. My partner served in Vietnam and was stationed there a few times. Scary, isn't it. I hear all the reports about chemicals in food, but here's positive proof that our water is bad. Our air is bad. Every product, especially makeup is bad. It just sucks! <BR> <BR> Marine Base Had Tainted Water for up to 60 Years: Report <BR> <BR> Cancer-causing solvents ... Fri, 15 Mar 2013 14:24:18 EST Stranded cruise passengers facing dirty conditions http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5248498 HOUSTON (AP) — The head of Carnival Cruise Lines said Tuesday his company was working hard to ensure the thousands of passengers stranded on a disabled ship in the Gulf of Mexico were as comfortable as possible while the vessel was being towed to port in Alabama. <BR> <BR> The reassurances made by Carnival Cruise Lines President and CEO Gerry Cahill were in sharp contrast to what some passengers have told relatives about dirty and hot conditions aboard the ship, including overflowing toilets... Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:51:57 EST 2/6/13 Health News http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5240428 If you don't or didn't get a chance to read the Health News on SparkPoints today, this is very interesting. <BR> <BR> Fewer May Get Insurance Under Health Care Reform: Report <BR> <BR> Only about 27 million more Americans will have health insurance by 2017, instead of the 32 million to 34 million originally projected by the Obama administration when it implemented the health care reform law, according to a Congressional Budget Office report. <BR> <BR> It said that the smaller number of ... Wed, 6 Feb 2013 15:39:35 EST Why It Matters! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5226378 This is a serious blog. <BR> How the Lack of Senate Debate Threatens Our Democracy? <BR> Why the Senate Can't Get Anything Done? <BR> <BR> Unanimous consent. <BR> All 100 Senators must agree that the business of the Senate will go forward. One Senator can stop bills, nominations, appointments, even ordinary actions like naming a post office. <BR> <BR> Preventing discussion of a bill. <BR> There are four ways an individual Senator can block debate and discussion of a bill. <BR> One Senato... Sun, 27 Jan 2013 23:16:45 EST THE PHONE CALL http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5223771 A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang. <BR> <BR> The husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather bureau!" <BR> <BR> As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked, "What was that all about?" <BR> <BR> He replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear." <BR> Fri, 25 Jan 2013 23:06:36 EST Way To True http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5215677 Eino and Toivo, two upper Michigan handymen were hired to paint a flag pole and were going to be paid by the inch. As they were standing at the base of the flagpole looking up, trying as they may to figure how much to charge, a young woman walked by and asked what they were doing. <BR> <BR> "We are supposed to find the height of this flag pole" said Toivo, "But we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape m... Sun, 20 Jan 2013 14:26:54 EST The Post Office http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5214652 A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. <BR> <BR> As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?" <BR> <BR> The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right." <BR> <BR> The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." <BR> <BR> The littl... Sat, 19 Jan 2013 19:09:24 EST Dangerous Discipline http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5213720 Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. <BR> <BR> They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. <BR> <BR> The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. <BR> <BR> The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. <BR> <BR> The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the... Fri, 18 Jan 2013 23:24:53 EST Stupid Quotes by George Bush http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5192375 All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it. <BR> -- George Bush, US President <BR> <BR> It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another. <BR> -- George Bush, US President <BR> <BR> I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. <BR> -- George Bush, US President Sat, 5 Jan 2013 23:11:29 EST The Amount of a Can of Coke http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5190848 Cruise lines were evaluated on sewage treatment, water quality compliance, and air pollution reduction. The group fared the worst on the last category: Ten received an "F" and none got an "A." Beginning last August, a new rule began to require ships to use cleaner fuel with 1 percent or less sulfur content in the waters off the North American coast. By 2015 that number must be reduced to .1 percent. Tens of thousands of ocean-going vessels continue to use bunker fuel, which is "bottom of the... Fri, 4 Jan 2013 23:07:30 EST Rudolph The Red Nosed Wino http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5175548 Rudolph the red nosed wino, <BR> Had a very shiny nose, <BR> And if you got too close to him, <BR> He would take off his clothes. <BR> All of the other winos, <BR> Used to laugh and call him names, <BR> They never let poor Rudolph, <BR> Join in any wino games. <BR> Then one chilly Christmas Eve, <BR> Rudolph froze to death in an alley. <BR> End of story. <BR> <em>33</em> Tue, 25 Dec 2012 00:10:35 EST Rigorous Exercise for Over 60 http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5174819 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. <BR> <BR> After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato ... Sun, 23 Dec 2012 23:43:35 EST One for you, one for me http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5174049 There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. <BR> <BR> Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one ... Sat, 22 Dec 2012 23:36:14 EST Girl in Sunday School http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5173335 There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. <BR> One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" <BR> The teacher said. <BR> The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. <BR> The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teach... Fri, 21 Dec 2012 23:52:36 EST If I Were The Devil http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5171620 This one will hit you right between the eyes! <BR> <BR> IF I WERE THE DEVIL <BR> <BR> PAUL HARVEY <BR> <BR> This was done 47 years ago and look what we have now. Paul Harvey was a very perceptive person and one who seemed to have a handle on how things were progressing in a very non-productive and negative way. <BR> <BR> This video ..... should certainly be seen by everyone. Have sound on... <BR> <BR> This was 47 years ago. April 3, 1965. An amazing prediction. <BR> <BR> Do y... Thu, 20 Dec 2012 00:58:21 EST Damn Parking Enforcement http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5170665 I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. <BR> <BR> So I went up to him and said, <BR> <BR> "Come on, how about giving a man a break?" <BR> <BR> He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. <BR> <BR> So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!! <BR> ... Wed, 19 Dec 2012 00:55:01 EST Four Catholic men and a woman http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5164954 Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. <BR> <BR> The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." <BR> <BR> The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." <BR> <BR> The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'." <BR> <BR> The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.... Wed, 12 Dec 2012 23:40:59 EST Charm School http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5163827 Two ladies were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me." <BR> <BR> The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's very, very good!" <BR> <BR> The first one says, "And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me." <BR> <BR> The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's very, very good!" <BR> <BR> The first one says, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy tha... Tue, 11 Dec 2012 23:40:27 EST No Ice! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5160606 Rum & ice will ruin your liver. <BR> Whiskey & ice will ruin your heart. <BR> Gin & ice will ruin your brain. <BR> Pepsi & ice will ruin your teeth. <BR> Apparently ice is lethal!!! <BR> Beer is OK , no ice! <BR> <BR> <em>297</em> Sat, 8 Dec 2012 22:48:32 EST Little Johnny jokes-Definitely http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5158754 The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence. <BR> <BR> Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" <BR> <BR> The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," <BR> <BR> To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely sh*t my pants". <BR> <em>9</em> Thu, 6 Dec 2012 23:24:03 EST If My Body Was A Car! http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5157735 If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've go bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...But that's not the worst of it. <BR> <BR> My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. <BR> <BR> My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. <BR> <BR> My whitewalls are stained wi... Thu, 6 Dec 2012 00:49:30 EST The Carpenter http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5155196 Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. <BR> It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side-by-side, sharing machinery and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch. <BR> <BR> Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference and finally, it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence. <BR> <BR> One morning there was a knock on John's door.... Mon, 3 Dec 2012 20:57:35 EST Moose Hunting http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5154055 These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. <BR> <BR> Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) <BR> <BR> They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. <BR> <BR> The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. <BR> <BR> So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. <BR> ... Sun, 2 Dec 2012 22:01:51 EST The Mightiest http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5153082 A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. <BR> <BR> He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" <BR> <BR> The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" <BR> <BR> Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" <BR> <BR> The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" <BR> <BR> On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an ele... Sat, 1 Dec 2012 22:52:26 EST 3 Elderly Ladies http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5150108 One afternoon three elderly ladies were sitting around a table enjoying tea. <BR> <BR> One woman said to the others "you know, sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonaise in my hand, and can't remember if I am supposed to put it away or make a sandwich" <BR> <BR> Another woman chimed in saying "you know, I have the same problem.... sometimes I find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going up or coming down". <BR> <BR> The third woman proc... Thu, 29 Nov 2012 00:54:32 EST Update on Rebecca http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5147825 This is an update on my niece, Rebecca, who has the brain tumor. <BR> <BR> She still has Bell's Palsy on the left side of her face. Her left eyelid won't stay open so they have her wearing an eye patch. I don't know the reason behind that. <BR> <BR> On her last visit to the doctor, it was discovered she has shingles in her mouth. It must have been caught early because she wasn't complaining about her mouth. Strange to me, since she just turned 24. <BR> <BR> She is back to work a... Mon, 26 Nov 2012 23:47:53 EST Good News/Bad News http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5145463 Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there." <BR> <BR> Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's ... Sat, 24 Nov 2012 22:03:53 EST Male or Female? http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5141008 Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: <BR> <BR> FREEZER BAGS <BR> They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. <BR> <BR> PHOTOCOPIERS <BR> These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. <BR> They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong butt... Tue, 20 Nov 2012 00:06:43 EST