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ATRANSFORMATION
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Pushed to the edge....

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I did not fall into the ocean, or get swept away by the rain....only dangled over the edge...spent a few days on an eating binge. Felt like cr--, and today, started over with a green smoothie, and stayed within my range. Walked two miles.

Something about the heart. My dear heart cried out to me....remiinded me that it needs my attention, and doesn't want high fat, high calorie meals. GIVE ME LIVING FOOD! So I listened. No pain, no problems, just an internal awareness, that life is short, and I really cannot keep testing, pushing myself to the edge...

I am determined to do this. I think about food all the time. I think about it when I am over eating. I think about it when I am tracking and staying focused. I think about it when I eat mindfully and I think about it when I "wake up" after eating unconsciously...I think about it when I see someone thin, or when I see someone obese. I think about it when I see it, when I smell it, or when I hear someone mention it. I told my husband, it is worse than drugs...and I know it is a battle I will have to fight til I die...and I would rather die later than sooner....

Oh, I wish I was "normal". Or is what I DO normal? Of course, I remember what my mom used to say...If wishes were horses, then beggars could ride...(but I think she really used to say, If wishes were kisses....)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v JUDYSPOSITIVE
    Hi, I know what you mean, I to feel that weight and it's issues are all I think about most days. Somedays are easier than others, but if we have to fight for this then I guess that's what we do. You have done a wonderful job so far, you have gone through so much and yet you still keep going. For now maybe it's one day at a time or one hour at a time. Listen to your heart, it knows the way to go.
    Judy
    3040 days ago
  • v ZESTYLADY
    I think Jude nailed it. MY food has been okay lately, so I switched over to obsessing about scale numbers...when that's okay, I shall choose a new obsession. For me, it's entering into my "empty space" and seeing and accepting whatever is in there. I fear the loss of people important to me and know that you are going through that as well. I also think you hold the answer in your heart and you do what's required to nurture your mind, body, and spirit as often as you can. Peace.
    3040 days ago
  • v JOEGIRL6113
    AT, so you had a down day and now you are back on track. I think your body will tell you what you need to do. Just listen to it. I too think of food way more than I think I should. I am not hungry, just want to nibble. I am going to change my ways! We can do this. Rosy
    3041 days ago
  • v SHORTYK21
    Awesome job on one day down!!! It is how we have to fight the battle, with baby steps. Great job!

    Your blog entry really hits home with me, I can't believe how much we are alike with our food habits. It is reassuring to see that there are people like me, and that I am not alone! Together with eachother's support we can fight this and win!
    3041 days ago
  • v CASSIOEPIA
    sounds like the "Seafood Diet" (see-food) that I'm always trying.
    3041 days ago
  • v COSMIC_ENERGY
    Normal--scary word. Normal May mean someone who is not thinking deeply about their lives too. Not sure I want normal or believe it exists if we are all individual beings that reflect our unique version of Infinite Being.

    Would I like to not think about food all the time, worry about finding clothes that are flattering or that fit? Yes.

    I think that will happen when I learn to TOTALLY love and accept myself as and for who I am NOW. The whole food issue is a diversionary tactic that our minds play with us to keep us off track there.

    We'll get there Kathy, we'll get there.
    3041 days ago
  • v SHELL367
    I completely understand what you wrote. Food is on my mind 24/7. on good days and bad days.

    I wish I knew how we could get past that.
    3041 days ago
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