Sunday, January 27, 2008
Here I am sitting here at almost 1am in the morning. So many thoughts swirling through my mind that I don't even know where to begin. I had a meeting today with "the" husband. I think that I left that meeting with my mind in more turmoil than before. He threw me for a loop. After all the anger and hurt feelings he actually apologized to me for what he did. I never thought that I would hear that from him. An actual sincere apology. He actually just talked to me, and I really mean talked to me. In our conversation he said that nothing was my fault, that I was everything that I was supposed to be as a wife and mother. I guess in some ways I feel validated that it wasn't me. I know that I am not perfect and I have my faults but to know that I actually did do the "right" things. I so wanted to hate him but I can't. I still love him, but I know that right now my heart can't take being broken again. I have to learn how to open my heart to trust again. Not just for any future relationship but just in general. So here I sit with everything weighing heavily on my heart and my mind. I have been asked for a second chance. I have been told that he knows that if I chose to give him the chance that he is asking/begging for he will have to work for that chance. That trust will have to be earned again. Personally I think that right now we need to be apart and maybe divorce is the best option, clean slate, start over. I think that eventually we could be the friends that we started as before we were in this relationship. Who knows maybe someday WAY down the line we may become more again. Becoming one of those stories of couples who split that found their way back. (Slight smile and laugh) But for right now I know that I'll be alright, and some day I'll love again. I'm bruised but not broken. The pain will fade and the wounds will mend, so yet once again I say I'm bruised but not broken.