Friday, January 18, 2008
When I woke up today to see that I had about 60 e-mails from Sparkpeople (as opposed to the typical 5 daily newsletters) I knew immediately "something must be up." I wasn't too phased by it because it has been a year or so since I've lost most of my weight and I have shared my story many times and received much praise.
But as I began to read all of the comments (which I'm still sifting through) and seeing all the adds, my heart felt warmer and warmer. I'm used to the compliments and I'm used to people speaking of what an inspiration I am, but truth be told I really do think being the spotlight today is sort of a god-send for me.
See, the truth is .. I gained the most I have in a while over the holidays. Actually, I gained it directly after the holidays. After struggling between 178-180 for a year or so, I finally climbed up to 189 last week. Yes, it is just about 10 pounds more and I've gone down already but I think what shocked me the most is that when I saw the rise, I was completely okay with it - until I realized I was seeing it at 179 and not 189! My mind was playing tricks on me!
Lately it has just been really tough. My mother was tested for cervical cancer while I was more than 1,000 miles away. She's on a breathing machine at nights now. My father's spinal chord is deteriorating. My sister is trying for her first child and is terrified (She'll be 32 this year, but she has had a lot of trauma in her life). My niece and nephew are growing up without me around. My other brother is struggling greatly with debt and love. I live more than 1,000 miles from all of them. I also found out some very traumatic news while on vacation this winter that really turned my world upside down.
One of the biggest issues for me is that I am graduating after this semester with my Bachelor's degree. Fantastic! I know, but my heart is set on graduate school. I largely want to stay here in NY for it, but that means more and more years away from my family in Florida and even more struggle with money. I don't know if I can afford it, I don't know if I can make it, and I don't know what is the right decision.
These matters have been weighing on me so heavily, especially after a visit to Fl for the holidays. I find myself eating more than ever at night - snacking like I never ever have before. I keep looking for the right trigger to lead me back on track and to motivate me. I bought a little notebook with a daily calendar to write down what I eat every day. I started tracking my food again. But it has made no difference.
This - today, waking up to all of you seeing the progress I have made so far - I think this will finally be what I need. The reminder that there are so many other people out there struggling too - not only with weight loss but with family issues, work issues, school issues. I am not alone. I know I am not, but for some reason I just was keeping to myself. I need to reach out once again. I need to share myself so that I can relieve myself of these burdens.
I know I have come a long way and at times I am still very happy even at 180lbs (despite the fact that according to BMI that is still obese!) but gaining just those 9 pounds put me in a world that I did not like. I felt the gain immediately and felt my body opposing it. I don't feel good when I snack all night, I miss my work outs more than ever. I keep putting it off because classes begin soon and then I'll be working out on campus...but I need to do something NOW.
Thank you SparkPeople. I may not of had my journey here at Spark and may have come only after I had most of my success - but you have motivated me once again to reach for my ultimate goal and find out just how much further I can go.
I am definitely going to try and start involving myself more in the community here once again, even if it is just blogging about my activities. But as of now, I'm going out to rake the leaves :)
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