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    AGENT32  
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My Crazy Mother

Sunday, January 06, 2008

I've gone through so much emotional abuse from my mother in the past, and it hasn't really changed at all through time. I just went through another 'episode' with her and I want to document it here.

This is just one of countless frustrating interactions I have with my mother. I am constantly shown that she is not a functional human being-- she doesn't seem to live in reality.

My mother is shopping for a sweater for her mother (a nursing home patient with schizophrenia whom i've been alienated from by my own mother). She's looking online for a zip-up style sweater that will fit her-- she's a 2x. During her search she mentions something to the effect of "it's hard to find clothes for fatties". I, being the empowered fat woman I've blossomed into (hahaha), tell her not to use that word-- fatty-- that it's filled with negative connotations for me. She doesn't respond.

I ask her if she's listening to me. She makes an unrelated comment about the website. I ask her if she can hear me. She makes another comment about the website.

These types of things used to depress me. I am VERY happy to say I can now properly feel anger. So I got angry. A few minutes later, when she asked me a question about plus-size clothing, I responded that I wouldn't listen or respond to her until she gave me that basic respect.

As I wrote this, she asked me another question. When I didn't respond, she called me a "mo-ron" and, shortly thereafter, yelled that "YOU CAN'T FIND CLOTHES FOR FATTIES!!".

She completely ignores the important parts of life-- communication, relationships, respect... She is an serious alcoholic who spends all of her free time sedentary in front of her expensive television with her VERY expensive cable (all movie channels) and netflix subscription. It's an escape-- because she can't handle reality.

It seems impossible she can be ignorant of the sad state of her life, but it's interactions like the one above that show me she truly doesn't understand.

I'll just say it feels fantastic to be able to live through this BS and be angry, and not depressed. When I lived with my mother in high school, I would get depressed-- repeat mantras of self-hate, blockade myself in my room, and cry. My cat would scratch at the door to be let in and comfort me, believe it or not. She was the only respite from this adolescent hellhole. I look forward to the day I can take her and everything I own from this house and never look back.

For future breaks, I'm going to ask off-campus friends for places to stay so I don't get trapped here with her. It never turns out well.

Can you believe she pulls this "fatty" crap on me even after I lose 50 pounds? And it's not just indirectly-- she continues to tell me to lose weight... AS I DO AEROBICS VIDEOS IN FRONT OF HER. It's just insane!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROYALETBONE 1/7/2008 12:29AM

    First- HI! I love your blogging- keep it up! You've got class!
Second- the world really needs a Spark program for RUDE people that you could try to hook your Mom up with---- wouldn't that be cool? Unlikely, but it would be cool
Third- your Mom is seriously computer illiterate. Try putting 2 bookmarks in for her that say- BIG-Catherines & BIG- Lane Bryant- or Grandmother, or Fat, or whatever would get her to use the darn thing. No clothes in 2x, my fat ass! Yes, there are!
Fourth- I seem to be able to swear in my blogs- but I can't use cartoon signs for them. I think it is a computer problem. Just so you know. The 'pound' sign, for instance seems verbotin.
Keep up the hard work, and good luck! Watch out, your feet will shrink, then you can use that earlier pair of tennis shoes!
Mary

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BRYTTANI21 1/6/2008 3:02PM

    Wow! My life is the same exact way. I have the worst relationship with my mother and it's all because of this kind of ignorance! It's sad when familly treats you worst than the people you meet on the street.

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SHERRY99 1/6/2008 2:55PM

  I can relate to you. My mother is obsessed with constantly talking about dieting and how much weight she has gained and how much weight she has lost and she can't eat this and she can't eat that-blablabla. She calls me and asks me if I want various pieces of clothing that she has because since she has lost so much weight they don't fit her but they will probably fit me. Even though I have lost more weight than she has she never mentions this. She seems intent on constantly putting me down because she weighs less than I do. My solution- try to minimize the amount of time you spend with toxic poeple-even if they are family. If it pisses them off- so what. They don't care if they piss they off. Best of luck!

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CARISSANNE 1/6/2008 2:46PM

    It sounds like you and I could be sisters. I think our mothers are the same person. I'm 30 and my mother has always and continues to make ugly comments about not only my weight but EVERYONE's weight. Including innocent people in public, people on TV and commercials, my sisters, and all of my family actually. I have alread accepted that at 72 she is never going to change. She is just hateful when it comes to appearence. When I moved out of the house from her when I was 22 it made a huge difference for me but I am still consistantly reminder by her that I am fat and need weight loss surgery. Then I looked into weight loss surgery and she told me "You know you can't eat a lot when you have that surgery?" YEAH....like I don't already know THAT"S HOW IT WORKS LADY!!! Anyways, just letting you know that I think a lot of people struggling with weight have the same problem with their mothers. One year my mother in law gave me a red sports bra. Uhhhhh is that a hint or what?? One of my sisters has lost over 100 pounds and my mother still asks her what size is she wearing today. It's just never ending and so irritating that it isn't easier to just block them out. Just know that other people are in your shoes as well.

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