Saturday, January 05, 2008
I decided to stop... Stop SP, stop meal planning, stop exercising, stop trying to get my physical shape and mind in order. So, I did. Of course, I had a little help. It was easier to stop when I had to care for my Dad during his illness and subsequent death. That was my start to my stopping. Then a few weeks after his death. I stepped on the scale. Those little digits showed that I increased higher than when I weighed in the first time with SP in April 2007. I gave a ho-hum, that is just the way it is. I will never be at "goal"...so, why fret about it any longer.
After all I had lost from 301 pounds plus...I say plus as the scale didn't reach higher than that. the needle was straining and almost popping off the highest weight on it. It had taken me 6 years to get down to the slendering 219 pounds that I weighed in that first day on Spark. I was tired of it all. Why did it seem that others, even those of my age reached their goal within two years, but why did others seem to be like me in a constant struggle. Frankly, I didn't care about the others and I sure didn't care about me.
So, I stopped, I took weeks to evaluate what I had done in the past. Oh, I was feeling good about the lost poundage..but, why had not I lost and become as fit as I wanted within 2-3 years instead of continuing to struggle these past 6 years. I began to feel as if I was to old, to late to start to do things better, that it would take to long, and I was just plain to tired of the mind set that I needed. Then I discovered what the "successful" people have known all along.
It is a battle and, only, can be won through perserverance and diligence. I didn't pop right back into the exercise, meal planning stage. I came into Spark and began to erase mypage, but couldn't bring myself to completey delete it. I began to voice my troubles. I didn't expect to find anyone that could relate or even recognize that I was still with a team. Through all my fat/obese years..the bigger I got the more I became invisible. Yet,
the teams I belonged to supported me. They did not pity me, but encouraged and stood by me. Seeming to support me in whatever decision I would make. No judgements, just pure support.
I stayed this time...day by day my mind knew what I needed to do. During December last year, I began to, sporadically, meal plan, exercise and doing all the things I knew would be good for me. Still, I knew something else had to change. That one solitary thing to change was, my mind. I finally realized it was no one else that had made me eat, or not exercise or feel good about myself at any weight. It was mine and mine alone. The responsibility lay on my shoulders.
I also found the reason the prior weight loss was slow. Why? Because I never for one day in 6 years stayed within my meal plan and though I began to workout fairly consistently, all it took was a rainy, cold day or a day that it was hot and I had an excuse not to go. Of course in that period I took care of a husband who was ill and then subsequently died. Was this an excuse? I think not.
Grief has many forms, it was awhile but, eventually my heart was soothed and I got one foot on the wagon. of weight loss....trying to climb up but fearful of falling down. The end result, I didn't put any more effort into my quest than I had prior to his illness or my dad's.
Now, one might expect since I had figured out these things, I would change and do it "right now." That I would plan my meals and exercise, that the self improvement I needed to take would turn around quickly. It didn't. The knowledge I had acquired was simply things I had known all along just did not admit to. I also knew I needed to have a different mind set. Perhaps, I didn't know "everything there was to know about diet and exercise." I began to think ,perhaps, the "experts" in weight loss were right. Perhaps, I did need to know that I would not starve and that I would become more fit simply by following a plan, and motivation could be helped with visual aids of some type. So....
I began a climb to follow my planned meal and my exercise routine. I started tracking what I ate, I planned before my meals. I set a regular time for my workout. I began to take care of me as well as I had my loved ones. Would I do this every day. No, I didn't make it very well the first few weeks of December but along with support from the teams, my "confessions", putting up visual reminders, I began the slow road to consistency.
Now for the past two weeks I have been successful and the weight is coming off and I am now below what I was when I first joined. Will I succeed? Well, I have found that contrary to what I first thought in October of 2007, I am NOT to old, age gives me wisdom, I need to use it. To late,? never to late as long as I have a god given breath. nor will it take To Long, perserverance will provde the success. To Tired? Wisdom tells me to rest my body and my mind, so, I will. For me, I find the key is to just plain stick with it and my precious friends that have so much in common with me on SparkPeople. I thank you for sticking with me and giving me that support I needed.