Thursday, September 27, 2007
Last night's therapy session was the most honest I've ever been with myself. Last night I allowed myself to 'feel' what I was saying. I've gotten into such a bad habit of just talking and talking, like it's my job to make sure everyone is comfortable and entertained never really allowing myself to really 'feel' anything. The first couple of sessions I talked and talked AT my therapist. Not really taking a break to look deeper at the issues I was bringing up, just talking to bombard him with 'data'. Yesterday I spoke slowly, with less anger and actually felt every word I said. Of course I cried most of the session, but today I feel cleansed and positive.
My outlook on food has changed. I have hope and therefore feel like I don't need to fill myself with food, I feel more intouch with me. Today I ate for the first time without stuffing my face like its my last meal.
Andy asked me to write a letter to my dad, never having to send it just something we can discuss in our session. I discovered that after all these years, my childhood memories of my father still terrify me, and although I cut him out of my life a few months ago I still have a lot to learn from. But, this I already knew.
What shocked me the most was the revelation that for the first time in my life I could admit that I am lonely. I am a lonely person who doesn't really have close girlfriends to shop with, go to dinner with and do those typical things girlfriends do. My bestfriend of 12 years I've come to realise, we aren't really on the same page, we've grown apart.
So now, I have to step outside the square and do something about that. I dont know join a social group or something. Any suggestions?
I guess that's all for now. I have so much to think about, I feel solemn but empowered. I can feel the new me coming out, slowly but surely.
Until next time.