Twisted emotions; Cranky at SP
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
So, I've decided, from staring at my user picture too long, that I don't look bad at the weight I am. However, in comparison to what I will look like, I don't. I'm not too fat, or too ugly, that's all in my head. However, my head only sees the girl on the right, and knows that she is the girl on the left.
So, since I'm not totally unhappy with the way I am, I find it hard to change. Yeah, I would be healthier at a lower weight, but at what cost? I don't feel like I want to "give up" weight loss, I do want to be thinner. But I really want to do it on my terms. I'm not giving up everything and switching to a regimented life. I like freedom and variety.
This blog entry came from the next habit I should have in my new healthy life. That I should eat so much of this and so much of that every day to be healthy. Yeah, they're probably right, but dammit, I don't care about that yet. I don't want to keep moving forward in this program. I feel like I'm being railroaded. I want to be able to eat the things I want to eat. I want to know how many calories I should eat a day, and how many I am eating. But I don't want to 'waste' all of my calories on 3 servings of complex carbs, 6 servings of veggies, 2 servings of protein and whatnot. Some days I don't eat any veggies, some days I eat nothing but, so what?
I just wish I knew how to pause this program. I know how to go back to stage one, but I just want to go back to the first habit in stage 2. I wasn't done working on that one, and I'm not ready for the new one.